08x20 - Stalemates

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
Ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

GLORIA: Mmm, I love this tea.

MIKE: More sake!
We're gonna get crazy!

We're gonna get crazy!
Hey, I wanna propose
a toast.

To Bob and Lorraine.

Yeah, happy
seventh anniversary!

Seven years! [CHUCKLES]

[KISSING SOUNDS]

[KISSING CONTINUES]

[KISSING CONTINUES LOUDLY]

To the next seven years.

Maybe by then,
you'll get married.

- Married?
- Why should we get married?
We love each other.

- [SIGHS]
- [KISSING CONTINUES]

[KISSING CONTINUES]

This is delicious.

Yeah,
mine's terrific, too.

- [TAPPING]
- This is delicious.

MIKE: Hello there?

Hello there?

What are we eating?

[LAUGHS]
That's called ika.

And that's tako.

That's cute. Ika, tako.

Yeah. It's very good.

Yeah. That's raw squid
and that's pickled octopus.

Anything wrong?

No, no, no, no,
it's just I remembered

that I'm on
a squid-free diet.

And you won't believe this,

but I had pickled octopus
for lunch.

Yeah? Where?

At McDonald's.
They have a--

They have a new
Octopus McMuffin there.

So, you guys
have been together

such a long time,
it's just like being married.

So why don't you get married?

Why do you need marriage
when you have a good
relationship as it is?

Oh, yeah.
See, we think alike.

Marriage doesn't
change that.
So do we.

We have the same interests.

So do we.

Sometimes we stay up
all night and talk.

So do we.

Sometimes, we stay up
all night and don'ttalk.

[BOB CHUCKLING]

So did we.

Do you realize
that practically
every couple we know

who got married
when you two did

is either separated,
divorced or miserable?

Well, we're not
separated
or divorced.

Or miserable!

That's why we wanted you
to celebrate with us
tonight, huh?

- Seven years!
- Yes, yes, yes.

Our turn to toast.

Oh, okay.

To the only
married couple we know

who is still
together and happy.

Oh, that's nice.
To us, honey.

I mean, you may not have
the same kind of passion,

but--well, you have
other things.

Oh, look at them.
Look at them.

- They are so--
- Together.

Oh, yeah.

You are so together,

you're even beginning
to look alike.

BOB: Here's to you.

Mmm, seven years.

I'm so glad you and Mike
can have a weekend alone
in the mountains.

You're gonna love
the Poconos.

They're in Pennsylvania,
you know.

Yeah.

When I was a little girl,

every Easter I used to
visit my Aunt Emma
in Strasburg.

I'll never forget
my little cousin Richard.

He used to drink buttermilk
and tie me to trees.

Why did he
tie you to trees?

I don't even know
why he drank buttermilk.

But I know the Poconos.

Yeah, Michael and I figured

it'd be a nice place
to spend a weekend.

We're gonna catch up
on our reading

and take nice, long
hikes in the woods

and get some of that
fresh mountain air.

Oh, my, ain't this pretty!

Oh, where did you get it?

Uh, in the mail,
I'll pack it.

Oh, no, I'll pack it.

No, Ma,
I'm a big girl now.
I can pack it.

No, I'll pack it.

I ain't embarrassed.

Well, neither am I.

[LAUGHS]

MIKE: Gloria,
what's taking you
so long?

We gotta get going!

GLORIA: All right,
keep your pants on!

Tell him that when
you're in your love nest

down in the
"Poke Your Nose."

You dirty guy.

Well, I may be
a little dirty,

but I'm on target.

Well, there's an old saying.

If everything is good
in the hen house,

youse don't have to
go out to the store
for eggs.

[CHUCKLES]

Where'd you pick up
that choice bit of wisdom?

Well, you can find
wise little wisdoms
like that

you get your nose outta
that educational TV,

tune in on Hee-Haw
now and then.

- Ma?
- Yeah?

Can I ask you
a question?

Sure.

Uh, how are things
between you and Daddy?

Oh, there ain't nothing
between me and him.

No, I mean,

are things the same now
as they were when
you got married?

Well, the dollar
don't buy as much
as it used to.

No, Ma, I mean the things
we don't talk about.

What things we don't
talk about?

[EXHALES]

Are things the same
between you and Daddy

as when you first
got married?

Oh.

Now I know what things
we're talking about

that we don't talk about.

Yeah, well,
are things the same?

Well, Gloria, you can't
be newlyweds forever.

Oh.

But Michael and I
promised each other

the honeymoon
would never end.

Oh, Gloria,
it's gotta end.

Otherwise, you never get
your housework done.

You know, they say
that Russian spy satellite

that crashed up in Canada

gave cancer to a cow
in Carbondale, Illinois.

What do ya think
of that, Meathead?

Not a heck of a lot, Arch.

Oh, you better
start thinking of
some of these things.

You read this here paper.

This paper'll
make you think twice.

And by the by,

you and Gloria going off
this weekend down to
"Poke Your Nose" there,

if youse think
that it's gonna put
everything right, it's wrong.

Hey, there is nothing wrong
between Gloria and me.

- [CHORTLES]
- There isn't, Arch!

I-it's like
the thermostat
on the wall.

If I turn it down
a few degrees,

we're not gonna freeze.

We just wouldn't be
as hot as we were.

Oh, jeez.

I warned you
about this years ago.

I knew youse was gonna
blow out your thermostat.

Look, Arch, Gloria and I
just need some time

alone together,
away from everything.

Well, yeah, but I tell ya
the "Poke Your Nose"
is the wrong place.

You shoulda did
what I done

with Edith, in a
similar situation.

I took her down to Florida,
to Disney World.

Oh, that's a great place.

And when you're done
with all the love stuff,

just step outside.
You have your real fun
on the rides.

GLORIA: Ma, you got
our number up there
in case of an emergency.

Yeah.

And I left you
the doctor's number.

- Yeah.
- And no candy for Joey.

Yeah. I mean, no.

He's gotta be
in bed by : .

Yeah.

Bye, Grandpa.

Yeah, bye,
Little Girl.

You have a nice time
down there.

- Bye, Ma!
- Have a wonderful time!

Oh!

What're you doin'?
I ain't going nowhere!

- Oh, sorry.
- Joey should be up
in about an hour.

Now, don't let him
play with any rocks,

and don't let Daddy
leave his matches
out on the table.

Don't worry, we'll take
good care of him.

Oh, my, ain't it nice
they can have a weekend
in the mountains.

Oh, the scenery
is so beautiful.

They ain't
gonna see it.

Oh! You!

Oh, stop! [LAUGHS]

Sensational afternoon,
honey.

Yeah, that walk in the woods
as beautiful, wasn't it?

Oh, yeah,
I love the woods.

And I love
that huge fireplace
in the lobby.

Yeah,
it's a beautiful fire.

I just wish they wouldn't
use Presto logs.

Where do Presto logs
come from?

I don't know.
I think Presto trees.

I notice you haven't mentioned
the great gin game.

Could it be because
I b*at the pants off you?

Uh, if you must
know the truth,

I happened
to let you win.
Ha!

That's right, that's right.

I let you win
because I happen to be
such a swell guy.

You let me win. Sure.
Yeah, I let you win.

All right, I don't care,
even if you threw the game,

you still owe me
$ million.
I tell you what.

We'll go double or nothing
for the million.

Pick a number
between one and ten.

Um...nine.

I owe you $ million.

And while we're at it,

I noticed that
we're not mentioning

the great ping-pong game
we played.

That's because
I let you win.

You let me win? - ?

Yeah, well,
when I throw a game,

I really throw
a game.

Honey, you gotta
pull from the heel.

I am pulling
from the heel.
No, you're not.

I got the heel.
This is the heel.

I'm pulling it
right from the heel.
It's not coming off.

I know.
I can't help that.

You need different
leverage, Michael.

Yeah, right.
Push up.
Push up.

No, get down--
Let me get it this way.

Michael.
There. There we go.

Yeah. Yeah.
What are you doing?

You trying to make a wish?

It's coming. I got it now.
I got it now.

Here it...comes.

There it...goes.

There.

Yeah. That was easy.

Uh....

what should we
do now?

Um--(clears throat)--

why don't we finish unpacking?

Oh. Yeah. Okay.

I mean, we still have
all of tonight and tomorrow

to, you know.
Yeah. Heh heh.

Hey, feast your eyes
on this!

Hello!
You like it?

Wow.

Should I wear it?

Well, yeah, of course
you should wear it.

Not now.

Not now?

Well, I-I think it--

it's a little bit casual
for the dining room.

Oh, you mean
we're gonna eat first.

Well, yeah, I-I thought
we'd eat first.

Y-you see the menu?

Prime rib,
strawberry shortcake.

- Yeah, okay.
- Yeah.

Uh, we should change
for the dining room.

We'll change, right,
for the dining room.

That's all.

The romance has gone
out of our marriage.

[GLORIA CRYING]

Why, because
we're gonna have dinner?

No, because we came here
to rekindle our romance.

I have absolutely
no complaints

about the dinners
in our marriage.

So I--uhh--

So...

what're we gonna do
after dinner?

Well, after dinner,

we'll do...

stuff.

What "stuff"?
Watch basketball on TV?

Of course not!
We're here to rekindle.

- We're not gonna watch
a dumb old basketball game.
- Good.

Especially the way the Knicks
are playing lately, it's...

It's my fault.
It's all my fault.

It's not your fault!
They're in a very
tough division.

No, Michael, you know
I'm talking about us.

Now, we came here

to sort of make up
for everything
this weekend, right?

Right.

Now?

All right, all right.

Okay! Hey.

Let's rekindle.

Uh, wh-what
should we do?

You wanna
kiss first, then--

Okay.

There, we did that.

Uh, why don't we
sit down?

Because I'm not comfortable
with my neck, you know--

Yeah, all right,
we'll just, uh,
sit over here.

See, that'll
be a little bit
more comfortable.

- There.
- Okay.

Yeah, uh, honey,
could you get--

- I'm sorry.
- It's--yeah.

You're pressing
against, you know--

Just move your--

Get--no, no--
get your feet--

Now, uh, why--

What's--why isn't this--
there's something wrong.

Nothing, I just
have this feeling

that I'm too heavy
for your lap.

No, no, no,
it's not you, it's me.

It's--I've always had
very poor circulation
in my thighs.

Just see if you can
get your feet up.

Get them up around--

Ah, get--there!
That's it!

That's it!

That's it.

Now hold that.

Go ahead.

Go a--go ahead.

No, no, you know
what's wrong?

It's the chair.

A chair is a place
for kindling.

It's not a place
for rekindling.

For rekindling,
you gotta go to a bed.

Let's go to the bed.
Come on.

Uh, would you like
to carry me over there?

Why? You tired?

No, I just thought
it might be romantic.

Oh, oh, yeah! Sure!
Sure, romantic.

That's better.
There we go.

[GROANING]

Honey, you think you could
walk the rest of the way?

My back's hurting.

Sure, sure, sweetheart.

Sorry.

- Oh.
- It's bigger than
the bed at home.

Yeah. Much more.

[BOTH SIGHING]

- You comfortable?
- Oh, yeah.

- Isn't this better?
- Much.

[BOTH SIGH HEAVILY]

[CLEARS THROAT]

You know what's wrong?

W-we're approaching
this thing

in a very familiar manner.

I think if we--if we
do something different,

if we do something
exciting...

You don't wanna...

tie me to a tree, do you?

What?

Oh, never mind.

Yeah, no,
I just thought that

we're in our same side of
the bed that we're always on.

What if we switch sides?

Oh, that's a good idea.

Let's switch sides.
It'll be more exciting.

Hey, I feel more
excited already
on this side.

- Here, here we go.
- Okay.

Here we go.

[MUFFLED]
See, isn't that better?

- Isn't that nice?
- Mmm-hmm.

- You know what's wrong?
- Yeah.

It's my shoes.

I can't do this
with my shoes on.

It's too sleazy.

No, no, you know
what's wrong?

It is not the poor
circulation in your thighs,

and it is not the chair,

and it is not what side
of the bed we're on.

It is that--

The romance has gone out
of our marriage.

Gloria, don't say that!

But it's true!

What's happened to us?!

We used to be
such animals!

We're still animals!
We are still animals!

We're--we're just, uh, just
a little housebroken,
that's all.

I, uh, I--

I read somewhere that
it's a biological fact

that a man
reaches his prime
at the age of .

But you were in Chicago
when you were .

It looks like I missed
your entire prime.

[CRIES]

I want us to be
like Bob and Lorraine!

Hey, hey, forget
Bob and Lorraine!

You think they're happy?

Hah!
They're not happy!

The only reason that
they're always kissing
in public

is because
they're trying
to cover up

the fact that--that
they're so unhappy!

They're trying to prove
to the world

that it's better
to live together
than to be married.

Well, maybe it is!

Maybe--maybe if we
weren't married,

we wouldn't be so bored
with each other.

We wouldn't have
so much trouble

showing affection
to each other.

Hey, we don't have
any trouble showing
affection!

We can show affect--

Hey, you--you want me
to show affection?

I'll show--
Get over here!

Oh, Michael.
You can't just
order up affection.

It has to come naturally.

It has to be spontaneous.

None of this is spontaneous.

[EXHALES]

I guess we're just going
to have to face reality.

What are you saying?

That we just don't seem

to feel the same way
about each other anymore.

What are you saying?

Maybe...

we shouldn't be married
to each other anymore.

What are you saying?

That maybe
we should get a d--

d--

d--

Divorce?

Yeah, that's it.

Excuse me.

[SCREAMING]

Michael!

[CONTINUES SCREAMING]

Mich--Michael,
you're overreacting.

[SCREAMS]

Michael, you're being
over-emotional.

Now, if you come out,

we can discuss this
intelligently.

[HIGH-PITCHED CRYING]
But you wanna get a divorce.

I'm sorry, honey,
I didn't get that.

What did you say?

You wanna get a divorce.
[SCREAMS]

Michael, Michael honey,
you're so upset.

Please,
we can work this out.

Michael.

Michael,
say something to me.

Michael, please.

Michael, I don't like this
when you don't talk, Michael.

Michael, you're making me
very, very, nervous.

You know what, Michael?

You're forcing me
to break down the door,

you know?

And, well, I don't want
my size to fool you, Michael,

'cause I might be small,
but I can do it.

Honey?

Michael, I'm--I'm going
to break it down

on the count of three,

and you're gonna be real sorry
because the management

is gonna make you
pay for damages.

Michael?

Okay then.

Okay, Michael.

One...two...

Oh!

Oh, honey, honey,

where was "three"?

I didn't hear "three."

You never said "three."

I'm sorry. It's just that
I never did that before,

and I thought you were
supposed to run on two
and hit on three.

No, no, you always
say "three."

You always must complete
the final three, the full.

[LAUGHING]
Is your stomach okay?

Yeah.
How's your shoulder?

Well, I can go like this,

but I used to be able
to go like this.

I thought I'd...do it.

Get a divorce!

W-We don't have to get
divorced, do we?

Oh, no.

Because, Gloria,
I'm thinkin'

we have a lot
of things together,

don't we?

Oh, yeah.

What?

Well, respect?

Respect.
We respect each other.

Yeah, yeah,
we have that. What else?

W-We're very comfortable
with each other.

Oh, yeah. Yeah,
that's a good one,

and--and we have Joey.

And we have a--we have
a deep-seated friendship.

Yeah.

Mmm.

Gloria?
Yeah?

Gloria?
Oh, yeah.

I think we're being
spontaneous.

No, no, no, honey,

don't say it or it isn't.

Yeah, keep going.
Keep going.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
In the bathroom?

Yes.
Keep going, keep going.

Wait, what if
the maid comes in?

I don't want her.
I want you.

All in the Family
was recorded on tape
before a live audience.