03x08 - Boyz in the Woods

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

- Hey, morning, G.
- Good morning, Master William.

So, ready for the big
camping expedition?

Please, man.
I'm from Philly.

To me, a wilderness
experience

is dating a girl
who don't shave her legs.

My uncle Reggie
always insisted

the woods were safer
than the cities

until the day he d*ed.

Word? Yo, how did he die?

He was eaten by wolves.

Carlton's log.

Earth date, 1992.
It's 6:00 a.m.

Up with the dawn,
the small band of brave souls

prepare to pile
into their Mercedes.

Destination..

...adventure.

Carlton, you look like
Webster on a safari.

Hi guys, I'm doing
the morning weather today.

Oh, goody.

And after that, you're off to
join Miss Ashley and Mrs. Banks

at the spa for their
beauty-makeover weekend?

Beauty makeover?

With this face?
I don't think so.

Good morning, everyone.

[chuckles]

Ah, you know, men

I'm really looking
forward to this.

Reminds me of camping
with my father.

Oh, sleeping under the stars,
climbing mountains

braving winds that could
knock a grown man

flat to the ground. Ha-ha.

Hey, man, I ain't trying
to be nowhere around a wind

that could knock
Uncle Phil to the ground.

Well, I hope
you're prepared for rain.

I'm predicting a 90% chance
of precipitation..

[chuckling]

...and you know
how often I'm right.

Goodbye.

Let's unpack the rain gear.

Yeah.

[thunder rumbling]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about
how my life got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there
I'll tell you how I became ♪

♪ The prince of a town
called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo holmes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo holmes smell you later ♪

♪ Looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[rain sloshing]

Uncle Phil, I got
a bad feeling about this one.

I mean, I think we should
just turn back.

Will, you said that before
we got in the car

when we pulled
out of the driveway

when we pulled
onto the freeway.

When we pulled off
the freeway.

Then do it!

Come on,
Uncle Phil, it's dark

it's raining, and we're lost.

We are not lost.

Will, ye of little faith. Dad
knows exactly what he's doing.

Do you think anyone
would drive by

the same tree seven times
on purpose?

[lightning crashing]

Carlton's log.

We're somewhere
in the galaxy.

My father
has no idea where.

Uncle Phil, I'm telling you,
I think we should

just pull into a gas station.

Will, for the last time,
I don't need directions.

[engine sputters]

You're right.
You need gas.

Okay.
Okay, I made a wrong turn.

It's no big deal.
It's not the end of the
world.

We'll just, uh, we'll thumb a
ride to the nearest gas station.

We used to do it a lot
in the sixties.

Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Uncle Phil can you take a stroll
into the nineties, please?

We are three black men
on the side of a mountain road.

The only people that's gonna
stop is gonna have more sheets

and say stuff like,
"Get 'em, Jim Bob!"

Will may have a point, dad.

Why don't we stay here
and let him go get the gas?

We're all getting
out of the car.

We can make camp right here
and go for gas in the morning.

- Let's get out of the car.
- Oh..

Get outta the car.

[owl hooting]

Oh, my God. Look.
Where's our camping equipment?

Will, you were
supposed to secure

everything to the luggage rack.

I did. Ohh! Wait!

This ain't the Volvo.

The car phone.
We'll call for road service.

Yeah, great idea, Carlton.

You can tell them
exactly where we are too

somewhere in the dark
between a rock and a tree.

(automated message)
'I'm sorry.You're outside
the calling area.'

'Please try your call again.'

Well, I guess sending
for pizza is out.

Alright now.
That's it. That's enough.

We'll just get back in the car
and go for gas in the morning.

- Now, get in the car!
- But you just--

Get in the car!

[sighing]

Uh, you know, Uncle Phil, now

I haven't been
on too many camping trips

but snow is a bad thing, right?

Look, let's look
on the bright side, okay?

This will give us a perfect
opportunity to pull together

and show what we're made of.

Does Bigfoot have to come down
here with a chain saw

before you admit
we're in trouble?

Okay, okay, we can't stay here.
We'll freeze to death.

Just get all the stuff outta
the backseat and we'll

we'll go ahead on foot.
Get outta the car.

- But you just--
- Get out of the damn car!

[instrumental music]

You know, Miss Hilary

I've never seen
this side of you before

baggy clothes

no makeup, tousled hair.

You know,
I feel really comfortable

like this too, Geoffrey.

I mean, I don't need
to hide behind cosmetics.

I'm beautiful
just the way I am.

[knock on door]

- Hilary, you home?
- Oh, my God. It's Trevor.

- Quick, get my hot comb.
- Sorry.

This is the scene
where Barbara finds out

Robert's been cheating
with a button-nosed bimbo.

For you, pretty mama.

Oh, Trevor.
He's adorable. Goodbye.

Ah! Uh, wait a second,
wait a second.

I also brought you...these.

Oh, Trevor.
They're beautiful.

They look just like the flowers
down at the news room.

Just be sure to have them back
before 10:00.

My florist is on vacation.

Oh, my. You look beautiful.

[chuckling]

Here. Why don't you
put this on ice?

Oh, Champagne?

Yeah.

What are we celebrating?

An empty house.

Yoo-hoo!

I, uh, thought this
was your day off.

Correct

but you overlooked one fact.

I have no life.

[doorbell chimes]

Geoffrey, will you get it?

On my day off?

You'd really let me?

Well, uh, I thought we'd have
a quiet evening together

and, uh, I'd make you dinner.

Trevor, that is so sweet.

Alright now.
You get out of the kitchen.

I want this to be a surprise.

[chuckling]

Surprise!

[laughing]

Jazz, what do you think
you're doing?

Looking after you, my pet.

After all, you're a beautiful,
desirable woman

or you would be if you combed
your hair once in a while.

And some lipstick wouldn't
k*ll you, either.

Look, Jazz, go home.

[pot clatters]

Shh.

Stand back.
Let a man handle this.

No! Jazz!

What are you doing here?

I'm cooking dinner.

Good. I like
my steak medium rare.

Now, if you'll excuse me,
I'd like to freshen up a bit.

Hey! Get off me!

Would you..

See? A cave. I told you
everything would be alright.

[wind whistling]

[panting]

- Aah!
- Eh..

I-I'm sorry. I was trying
to scare the bears away.

Carlton's log.

I'm wet.

I'm wet and I'm cold.

I'm wet and I'm cold
and I'm in a cave.

Shut up, Carlton!

I'm shutting up.

I'm shutting up, and I'm wet.

- That's it!
- Hey, hey, hey!

Just relax.

Look, come on.

We'll, uh,
we'll build a fire.

How are we supposed to
build a fire, Uncle Phil?

It's snowing outside
and all the wood is soaking wet.

Then we'll freeze to death.

I don't want to die!

I wanna go to college
and poke fun

at all the kids
on financial aid.

I-I want to see
"Karate Kid 17."

Carlton..

...don't panic.

Will, you check
the cave for dry wood.

Man, I ain't walking around
in this cave by myself.

There's rats
a-and bats and bears

and stuff all over the place.

Me, neither, dad.

I think the three of us
should just cuddle

up close together for the night.

I'm gonna go check the cave
for some wood.

I found this bag, Uncle Phil.

Will, we can't
just burn a bag.

Oh, we're helpless.

It's over. We're dead!

- We're rich!
- What?

Hey, back up! Back up!

Nine-sixty, nine-eighty..

$25,000.

Do y'all mind
if I get butt naked

and roll around in this
for a little while?

Will, we're gonna have to
turn that money over

to the authorities.

If nobody claims it,
then you can keep it.

But until then, I think, uh,
I
think I should look after it.

Whoa-whoa! No. Whoa. No.
I'm alright, Uncle Phil.

You know, I-I'll just find
a safe place to keep it

you know, just for tonight.

[panting]

Goodnight, Abe.

Goodnight, Alexander.

Now, I can't forget you,
Ben. Heh-heh!

Aw, man. I'm sleeping
with the presidents.

Must be what
Marilyn Monroe felt like.

[instrumental music]

What's for dinner?

Jazz, I told you to go home.

How fast were you going
when you hit this?

Now see here...homey.

My lady and I

are trying to have
an intimate moment.

Oh, I get it.

You're trying
to make me jealous.

Well, it worked like a charm.

b*at it, buddy.

How dare you talk
to me like that?

Do you have any idea who I am?

A really bad cook?

Trevor, could you excuse us
for a moment, please?

I have never been so
insulted in my life.

Blind people recognize me.

I could k*ll you.

Okay, baby. Hurt me.

Look, I am not gonna
let you screw this up for me.

Trevor is
a wonderful man.

But I'm Jazz..

...the lover of all lovers.

I put the "afro"
in aphrodisiac.

So lose the stiff

and I'll be waiting
in the pool house.

Oh, and fix yourself up
a little.

[sighs]

[music on television]

What happened
to your friend?

[sighs]
We.. Don't worry about him.

What are you watching?

Oh, one of those
silly sentimental films.

Formula stuff.

Can I watch with you?

Sure.

But I have to go home
in a few minutes.

♪ Memories ♪

♪ Like the corners of my mind ♪

♪ Misty water-colored memories ♪

♪ Of the way we were ♪

♪ Scattered pictures ♪

♪ Of the smiles
we left behind.. ♪♪

I don't wanna alarm
either one of you

but it's about 20 degrees
in here

and it's only gonna get worse.

Carlton's log.

I hate dad!

You know, this wood
is just too wet to ignite.

We need something dry.

I'm afraid it's gonna
have to be something that's

near and dear to all of us.

Oh, come on, Uncle Phil,
at least knock him out first.

I'm talking about
the money, Will.

Uh-uh!

Will, do you wanna die
with $25,000 by your side

or do you want to live
to see tomorrow?

I'm thinking,
I'm thinking, alright?

I'm afraid
there's no other choice.

Alright. Alright.
Alright.

Look, can I just have a few
minutes alone with the guys?

Okay. Okay.

Dad, when you throw
that money into the fire

if I lose my head
and leap in after it

you'll pull me out, right?

Son, there are more important
things in life than money.

Yeah, but I can't
get a date, either.

[sighs]

Alright, here's the money.

What?

[Will moaning]

[moaning louder]

Whoa-whoa! Whoa!
Was that Andrew or Ben?

- It was Ben.
- Ohh..

Oh, I'm sorry, Ben.

You was one
of the few white people

I could really count on.

Carlton's log.

Will has been reduced
to a pathetic shell

of his former self.

I, on the other hand,
have the strength of ten men.

Will's log..

...is about to connect
with Carlton's head!

Hey! Hey! Hey! Hey!
Hey! Hey. Hey. Will.

Give me the log.

That's not why I brought
you two up here.

Oh, I really blew it.

All I wanted to do
was spend time with you

before you went off to college.

You know, there's a better
way
of doing it, Uncle Phil.

Perhaps a matinee
and a box of Raisinets.

Raisinets? I hate Raisinets.

Could we get some Goobers?

It's not the same.

Some of the best memories of my
life are camping with my father.

He taught me how
to hunt and fish

how to pitch a tent.

I'm guessing he didn't teach
you how to use a compass.

[sighs]
Now that he's gone..

...I really miss him.

I really appreciate
what we had together.

He was quite a man.

I learned so much from him.

[wind whistling]

Yeah, that's decent,
Uncle Phil.

At least you had somebody
to teach you stuff, you
know?

I had to learn
everything on my own.

I mean, my mom was working
all the time and everything.

Like, I-I always wanted
to roller skate

but, you know, I didn't
even really know how to do
it.

So, I used to put on one
skate
and push with the other foot.

It never seemed like
I could be fast enough

to keep up with
the other kids, though.

You know, actually that's how I
felt when I came to Bel-Air

you know, like everybody
had two skates

and I was trying
to keep up with one.

Um..

Thanks for my other skate,
Uncle Phil.

[dramatic music]

For a long time,
it gave me nightmares.

Having to witness
an injustice like that..

...it was a constant reminder

of how unfair
this world can be.

I can still hear them
taunting him.

"Silly rabbit.
Trix are for kids."

How come they just couldn't
give him some cereal?

Oh, you guys,
wake up, wake up!

Oh, man.

Oh. We made it. We made it.
Uncle Phil, wake up!

Vivian, Vivian,
I'm not a machine!

- Come on, dad, it's morning.
- Oh..

You know, it stopped snowing.
Come on.

Let's get the hell out of here
and find a Denny's.

Uncle Phil, if I ever agree
to go camping with you all

just hold my head underwater
till I stop struggling.

[indistinct chatter]

Whoa. Whoa.
What's happening?

Right this way, guys.
Right this way.

Come right over here.
Right over here.

Hey, guys, listen. I'm Ed Barker
from station KCBE.

Congratulations, guys.
You did it.

- W-we did?
- That's right.

Now what are your names?

W-well, I'm innocent Will

a-and this is Uncle Phil,
attorney-at-law

and this is little Carlton.

H-he's trying to find his way
back to the circus.

- What did we do?
- A-and was it legal?

Hey, yo, homie, we was gonna
give the money back, man.

- But my uncle--
- Give it back?

It's yours to keep.

See, you just found the last
clue in the KCBE scavenger hunt.

You found the prize money!

[cheering]

Well, now, tell me
something, guys.

How does it feel to be rich?

It's terrible. Uncle Backdraft
made us burn it.

You b*rned $50,000?

50,000?

You said it was 25.

Oh. I must have miscounted.

Ah, well.

[instrumental music]

He taught me how to hunt,
how to fish

how to pinch a tent.

[snickering]

You know, you pinch, you got to
pinch it right down there.

Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

You know, right by the pole
where they put it up.

[indistinct chatter]

How to pinch a tent?

Come here,
you cute little tent.

I'm gonna pinch you.
You's a cute little tent.