03x09 - A Night at the Oprah

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Will, I can't believe
I took your advice

about my TV campaign spot.

Uncle Phil, you really would've
buried Judge Robertson

if you'd let me put the "Uh-huh"
girls in there. It'd be like..

♪ Banks is the right
one baby Uh-huh ♪

- Oh, here it comes.
- Come, sit down. Sit down.

(Will)
Sit down.

Oh, and, um,
hey, by the way, Uncle Phil

um, I-I don't remember
if I told you or not

but when I dropped
the tape off at the editor

I just, you know, authorized
a few last-minute changes.

You authorized a few chan..
Nobody gave you permission

to authorize any changes.

No, but it's cool, Uncle
Phil,
you're going to love it.

Uh, here it comes,
here it comes.

Hi, I'm Philip Banks
and I'm running for

superior court ju-ju-judge.

Ju-ju-judge.

(female #1)
'Whoo!'

What the hell is that?

That was our
New Year's Eve party.

Oh-oh, Uncle Phil, I,
you know, I just put in

a couple of home movies you
know, to show your human
side.

It gets better!
Check it out.

And if you put me
on the bench

I'll take a real
bite out of crime.

Bite, bite, bite.
Bite, bite, bite.

Vote for Philip Banks.

Philip Banks.
Philip Banks.

Philip Banks.

Ahh!

Aah!

Ooh, ooh, ooh,
ooh, ooh!

Emmy!

Hey, so what you think,
Uncle Phil?

Aah!

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby ♪

♪ Yo homes
smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[music continues]

Dad, Will would like to know
if he can please come in.

Oh, come on, daddy. At least let
him sleep in the house.

Oh, come on, Philip.
He was only trying to help.

Come on, baby.
Come on in.

Look, Uncle Phil, I know we
didn't exactly see eye-to-eye

on the commercial, I mean, but I
got a lot positive feedback.

Oh, please!
From who?

From Lateesha.

She said you looked
really handsome.

Well, she also thought Delta
Burke looked better as a blonde.

Hi, everybody.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey!

Oh, baby, you are positively
glowing today.

Thank you.

New moisturizer.

We can't all be
as blessed as you are...mom.

[chuckles]
Oh, Trevor, that's so sweet.

But, honey,
call me Mrs. Banks.

[telephone rings]

Home of the whopper.
What's your beef?

[chuckles]
Y-yeah, right. Okay.

Will, who is it?

Some chickenhead tellin' about

she from
"The Oprah Winfrey Show."

Oh, oh, oh.
That would be for me, homey.

Alexis. Ah, yes.

So, uh, did you speak
to Oprah yet?

Well, you mean
this call is legit?

Will, Trevor knows lots of
very important people.

So what about Oprah?
Is it a deal?

Ah, super!
I owe you big time, babe.

This is Trevor Collins.
Goodbye...and Godspeed.

[clicks tongue]

[yelling]

(Vivian)
What's all this excitement?
What's..

Oh, now what's
all this excitement?

We're all going to be
on"Oprah!"

We're all going to be
on"Oprah!"

Oh, and it's all
thanks to Trevor.

Well.

- Oh.
- Wa-wa-wait a minute.

Trevor, why should
Oprahcare anything about us?

Well, actually, Phil,
she doesn't. You're nobody.

But Alexis,
the woman who books the show

is an old friend
of Trevor's.

I kinda got the feeling
she had a crush on you.

Well..

Actually, she had the cutest
little nickname for me.

What was it?

God.

(Trevor)
Anyway..

Anyway, Alexis said I couldn't
have called at a better time.

They're doing a show
about political candidates

and their families,
and she said

that one of
the families just dropped out.

So they're flying all of us to
Chicago tomorrow morning.

I'm so excited! I have always
wanted to go to Chicago!

Oh, wait. Am I going to
need a passport?

Alright, alright,
I got things to do.

Got to get a new fade.

I gotta get some new shoe
strings for my Doc Martens.

Oh, man.

I'm gonna be on"Oprah!"

Uh, Phil, I-I hate to
bust the boy's balloon

but Alexis said
she could only book

the immediate family.

- Oh..
- You mean, Will can't go?

That's darned unfair.

And I think I speak for
everyone here

when I say,
what am I going to wear?

Philip.

Honey, how can we
disappoint Will?

- He's a part of this family.
- No.

No, no, Vivian,
he's a part of your family.

Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart

but he's damaged
my campaign enough.

And the sooner we tell him that
he's not coming with us

the easier it will be on him.

Hey, mom, mom, guess what?

I'm going to be on"Oprah!"

And as soon as
you tell him, let me know.

[instrumental music]

Morning. Philip. Honey, how come
you're not dressed?

We're leaving in a hour.

oh, sweetheart, relax.
We have plenty of time.

So, how did Will take it

when you finally
broke the news to him?

I'm sorry.
I couldn't tell him.

Oh, fine!
Pff! I'll tell him.

And how difficult
could it possibly be?

So..

...what do you think?

Have we met?

Come on, Uncle Phil, I mean, I
I just want to fit in with y'all

when we go on"Oprah."

Hey, look, Uncle Phil

I have to tell you, man

taking me to Chicago with you..

...that really means
a lot to me.

Oh, yeah, well, you know, Will--

And it ain't just
'cause I promised Lateesha

I was gonna scream her name
out on TV, you know.

It's because you know, you,
you really make me feel like

part of your family.

Yeah, well,
thanks a lot, Uncle Phil.

So I guess I'll just
go out in the car

and wait quietly
in the back seat, huh?

Mm! Mm!

Well, that's telling him,
Philip.

A-a-alright,
alright-alright-alright, look

he can go to Chicago with us
and watch the show

but we have to
tell him on the plane.

(female #2)
'Excuse me, sir.
Are you Will Smith?'

(Will)
'Uh, yes, stewardess.'

(female #2)
'Your family asked me
to speak to you.'

(Will)
'Wow, look, oh,
I'm sorry for staring'

'but...man, girl,
you real fine!'

'Hey-hey, you know what, I was a
little nervous about flying'

'but, uh, as long as I can look
at you, I know I'll be alright.'

'Oh, I'm sorry. What was you
going to say to me?'

(female #2)
'Can I fluff your pillow?'

[instrumental music]

Wow! Look at this!

Vivian, this is absurd.

We're gonna be on the air
in ten minutes.

We have got to tell Will
now.

Hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Oprah Winfrey's studio.

Hey, hey, come on, y'all,
let's get a picture.

Let's get a picture.

Uncle Phil, I'll get you
in one later.

Uh, look, Oprah's chair!

Yeah, I'm going to send this
to my mom.

Yeah, W--

Honey, couldn't we
just put him to sleep?

You must be the Banks family.
Hi! I'm Alexis.

- Hi.
- Hello.

I'm glad you could make it
on such short notice.

Oh, well, thank you
for having us.

Oh, sure, sure.

Listen, just make
yourselves at home

and I'll be right back.

- Okay.
- Okay.

You have beautiful hair.

I know.

[weak chuckle]

So that's Trevor's
old girlfriend, huh?

Yeah. Wonder what
he ever saw in her.

Okay, everybody remember, dad's
got an image to uphold here

so let's conduct ourselves
with dignity.

Look, look!
Mommy, daddy, look!

You..

You're Oprah Winfrey!

I am. And that means
you must be..

- Ashley.
- It's nice to meet you.

Uh, we're the Bankses.

Hey, great. You made it.
Welcome to Chicago.

Oh, thank you.
This is a real pleasure.

Uh, I'm Philip Banks, uh,
this is Hilary, Carlton, Ashley

and, uh, uh, uh..

- Vivian.
- Yes!

Hi. I'm a very big fan.

Ooh. You sure are!
You sure are.

It's my pleasure.
My pleasure.

Oprah, I always
love your clothes.

And that is such
a gorgeous suit!

Well, I'll tell you what,
if you really like it

I will send you one
in your size.

Wow! I-I always heard that
you were generous, but..

[chuckles]
Oh, my God,
I can't believe this!

Me, neither.

Gee, Oprah, I really like that
diamond bracelet.

Nice try.
Hey, I'll tell you what.

I'll see you guys
on the show.

- Okay.
- Okay. See you on TV.

- Have a good show.
- Thank you.

[upbeat music]

Okay, that's it.
That's it.

That's the theme music. Come on,
it's time to go. Posse out.

Sha-mon!

Come on, guys,
it's time to go.

- Philip.
- Alright, alright, alright.

I-i-it's time to stop b*ating
around the bush.

Okay, um, everybody who's going
to be on "The Oprah Show"

take one step forward.

Not so fast, Will.

[upbeat music]

You know, all families
have their problems

but how would you like to have
your family's dirty laundry

seen in tomorrow's newspaper?

Well, that's an
everyday experience

for most political families.

Please help me welcome
my guest today

Senator Howard Lloyd

'his wife Pamela,
and their daughter Lydia.'

[applause]

And superior court hopeful
Philip Banks, his wife Vivian

'and their children
Hilary, Carlton, and Ashley.'

So, Senator Lloyd,
my first question is to you.

'Now you've been a member of the
senate for quite some time..'

Tell me I can't
be on"Oprah."

Hey-hey, brother,
you mind sliding inside?

My legs are legs are kinda long.
I'd like to sit..

Ahchoo!
Oh, excuse me.

Philip Banks, you are
a successful attorney

with your own private practice
in Beverly Hills.

And now you're running
for superior court judge.

We all know that's
quite a career change.

What do you hope
to get out of it?

I hope to make some changes
in the judicial system

and, well, I've always wanted
my own gavel.

[laughing]

Uh, ooh-ooh-ooh, Oprah.
I have a question.

Uh, we're not ready for that
portion of the show just
yet.

But, Mrs. Banks,
answer me this if you will--

Uh, I'm Will.
Oprah, I can answer it.

- Come here.
- 'Huh? Me?'

Come here.
Come on.

Okay, see,
this is, this is it.

I'm the one
with the microphone

and you can't answer a question
until Iaskthe question.

You understand how it works?

Okay, you-you ask,
then I answer. It works like..

Mm-hmm.
Good. Now sit down.

Sit down.

Oh, my God!
Vivian, is that Will?

No, Philip, it's Richard Nixon
wearing a Willmask.

No, mom, I think that
really is Will.

So, Lydia, you spent
most of your life

on Capitol Hill.
Did that have--

Oh, Oprah, Oprah?

Young brother..

...what do you want?

I-I was just wondering.

Is it the question
portion yet?

- Do you have a question?
- Y-yes.

Okay. What is
your question?

Um, I-I have a question
for-for Senator Lloyd.

Um, senator, let's say
that, you know, you had

a young, urban,
handsome nephew.

Would you let him come on"The
Oprah Winfrey Show" with you?

Well, I sure would, son.

And let me say
I love your Leslie Uggams.

Thanks. Um, m-my next
question
is for Mr. Banks.

- Two questions.
- Yeah.

Um, Mr. Banks, uh,
would you let your nephew

come on "The Oprah Winfrey Show"
or would you make him fly

all the way to
Chicago for nothing

to sit out in the audience

to be embarrassed
in front of his girl?

Hi, Lateesha. Huh?

And, um, after I got out
of Betty Ford

I started a new life

with theMaharishiAnaganda.

[applause]

You are so brave.

I mean, wearing red shoes
with a pink dress.

I have a question
for Mr. Banks.

Has being in politics
ruined your sex life?

No, mine's great.
How's yours, honey?

[laughing]

Oh, Oprah,
I-I have a question.

Will, I missed you. Okay.

Um...my question
is for Mrs. Banks.

Uh, Mrs. Banks, uh, let's say
that your oldest sister

who sacrificed
her-her whole life to raise you

sent her only son
out to live with you

and you promised
to treat him like your own.

Um, and just for
the sake of argument

let's call him, uh, Will.

Um, would you bring him on"The
Oprah Winfrey Show" with you

or would you make him
sit in the audience

like you were
ashamed of him?

W-we're not ashamed of you.

It's just..

Sit down, shut up,
and behave yourself.

Okay, let-let me take
a-a-a wild..

...s*ab in the dark here.

You all are related.

[whimpers]

Yes, Oprah. Oh..

See, it's all coming out.
It's all coming out.

Anybody got, anybody got a
tissue? Anybody..

Thank you. Thank you. Yes.

Here, you poor sweetheart.
Blow.

[blowing]

- Ahh.
- You poor baby.

[whimpers]

I mean, I think
this is, this is terrible.

This is.. You should go up there
and be with your family

where you belong.
Don't you think so,
audience?

Go on up there, and be with
your family where you
belong.

- Move, Ashley. Move!
- What?

Thank you, Oprah.

(Philip)
'You know, you know,
Oprah, there's a..'

There's a perfectly logical
explanation for..

[all booing]

- Yeah, yes, yes, yes.
- Oprah?

Oprah, this guy
can't even run his own home.

Why should he be
elected to office?

[indistinct chatter]

Excuse me, miss, but my husband
would make an excellent judge.

He is a wonderful husband
and a devoted father.

Well, uh, Vivian, I must say
that, yes, you're right.

This looks like
it's a very lovely family.

But I've been doing
shows along time

and one of the things I've
learned is

things are not
always as they seem.

Uh, Oprah, believe me,
my dad is a great guy.

I mean, when I lost my job

and he kicked me
out of the house

he let me live out back.

He kicked you
out of the house?

Well, he didn't actually
kick her out of the house.

He just changed
all the locks

and told her she didn't live
there anymore.

Mr. Banks, is that true?

W-well, I-I didn't
changeallthe locks.

A-a-and she's not
living out back.

She's living
in the pool house.

Well, with the big pay cut
you'll have to take

we'llallbe living in
the pool house.

Look, you can forget it,
there's hardly enough room

for Trevor and I as it is.

What is Trevor doing
in the pool house?

Yes, Hilary. What is Trevor
doing in the pool house?

Oh, yeah, this is good now. This
is good, I feel like we, uh..

I think we're
getting somewhere.

Listen to me.

Hilary, you are not to have men
in the pool house!

Look, I don't like
to tell tales out of school

but Trevor keeps
a make-up case there.

- That's a lie!
- Is not!

Stand on a chair
and say it to my face!

You have both lost
your American Express cards.

Do you want to
work on your Visa?

[sobbing]

These candidates, before you
say they want to be elected

to public office, but it
seems likethey can't even

keep the peace
in their own families.

Mr. Banks, what do you have to
say on your family's behalf?

W-w-well, Oprah..

[sobbing]

Ha. What's the point?

Look.. Look, Oprah,
I have something to say.

What a surprise.

Now look, my uncle brought
me
out from Philadelphia

to live with him so I could get
a head start in life.

And now we have some problems,
but what family doesn't?

All I know is when
I need these people

they are there for me.

[applause]

That's nice of you to say, Will.

Well, if you ask me

your whole damn family
is crazy.

Alright, alright, now see,
brother, if we was in Philly

it might have to
be something but we on TV

and I believe Martin's
philosophy non-v*olence.

So I'mma chill. I'mma chill.

And if your mama sent you
out here to live with them

then she's crazy, too.

Hey, man, don't nobody talk
about my mother, man!

[Will screaming]

We'll be right back.
We'll be right back.

[applause]

H-hey, Miss Winfrey.

Will, I'll tell you what?

You know after all
we've been through

youcan call me Oprah.

You got it "Op."

"Prah." "Oprah." "Oprah."

You know your initials, OW..

Did anybody ever tell you
that spells"Oww!"

Uh-huh. I knew that.

Look, Oprah, I'm..

I-I hope I didn't mess
your show up too much.

And I'm really, really
sorry for the way I acted.

Listen, don't you apologize.

Because I'm thinking it was
a great experience.

- Oh. Really?
- Absolutely!

As a matter of fact, here.

Oh. What's this?

Two free tickets
to "The Donahue Show."

Tell Phil,
Oprah said, "Hiee."

She likes me.

(man on TV)
'On the
national political scene'

Come on, Will, we've heard
enough. Turn the TV down.

- Come on, Will.
- Hmm? Oh!

Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Viv.

Will, you're smiling like
dad does when he finishes

the happy birthday bucket
at Baskin Robbins.

Man, you scream your
girl's name out on TV

you'd be smiling too.

Look, dad, the poll results
are up next.

- Oh, goodie!
- Come on, dad.

I bet being on "Oprah"really
helped you in the polls.

Oh. I'm not worried.

You know, I was going
about this all wrong.

I was trying to come across

as the perfect candidate
with the perfect family.

Voters want a candidate
that's human, flawed.

(man on TV)
'And in local politics'

'Philip Banks has plummeted
another eight points'

'in the polls.'

Oh, come on, honey.
Don't worry.

You're gonna win.

Look, Uncle Phil,
you're going to win

and you know why?
'Cause you're a decent man.

I mean, you brought a kid
out from West Philly

and, and you made him feel
at home in your house.

I mean, there's no way

that Judge Robertson can
compete with that.

(man on TV)
'And in a related story'

'Judge Carl Robertson
announced today'

'that he is adopting
12 ghetto youths.'

Ah, well.

You have both lost..

[gibberish]

[laughing]

You have both lost
your American Express..

You have both lo..

[all laughing]

You have just made
the blooper wheel.

[Will imitates dog]

[Will imitates Scooby-Doo]