03x10 - Asses to Ashes

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

[Tom Jones singing
"It's Not Unusual"]

♪ It's not unusual
to be loved by anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to have fun with anyone ♪

♪ But when I see you
hangin' around with anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to see me cry ♪

♪ I wanna die ♪

♪ It's not unusual
to go out at any time ♪

♪ But when I see you
out and about ♪

♪ It's such a crime ♪

♪ If you should ever
wanna be loved ♪

♪ By anyone ♪

♪ It's not unusual ♪

♪ It happens every.. ♪♪

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about
how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like
to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there
I'll tell you ♪

♪ How I became the prince
of a town ♪

♪ Called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

I figured it out Will. I'm gonna
get dad what he always wanted.

What? A pizza hut in the garage.

Better. I'm gonna clinch
the election by getting

an influential person
to endorse him.

Watch and learn.

[clears throat]

Hello, is President Bush there?

Carlton...Carlton Banks.

It's personal.

Carlton, are you by any chance
an idiot?

Not available?

Perhaps you should
let George know

that as alternate assistant
treasurer

to the Bel-Air
junior republicans

I'm in a position
to scratch his back

if he'll scratch mine.
Capisce?

Hello?

(Will)
'Hey, G, uh,
did you bring the mail in yet?'

No. I've been saving that
genteel pleasure to calm myself.

Lest I get too giddy
from scrubbing the John.

You know, you really
need a woman, G.

What's a woman?

I'll get the mail.

- Geoffrey.
- Sir.

Um, daddy, now you know
how much I love you

and would do anything
for you, right?

Alrighty, how much
do you want?

No. I'm talking about..

- Well, $100.
- Mm-hm.

But I was talking
about the election.

Now, for me to vote for you
and get conscience

I need to know where you
stand
on the issues.

Okay, well, I'm, uh, against
plea-bargaining and--

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
but where do you stand

on a woman's right to choose
the restaurant?

I think we should leave that up
to the supreme court.

Well, I think you're being
really unreasonable.

Well, tough. I don't care
if it is chaperoned

you cannot go to Ensenada
with Macauley Culkin.

Hey, hey! Mail call!

For you, selfmagazine..

...shapemagazine

and sassymagazine.

And for you, sir,
elf magazine..

...apemagazine..

...and sissymagazine.

And for you, sir,
the bill for self

the bill for shape
and the bill for sassy magazine.

Oh, Uncle Phil,
they doggin' you.

What? Let me see that.

"Defeat Philip Banks

"the criminal's choice
for superior court judge.

"Banks wants to
empty the prisons

"fill our streets
with hoodlums

"and run a bookmaking operation
out of his chambers.

Vote Robertson
for superior court judge."

But, dad, aren't
some of those lies?

Carlton, honey,
they're all lies.

How can they get away with that?

'Cause they know
it's too late for me to sue

for a retraction.

Well, there's still time
to fight back.

I'm not gonna fight back.

- What?
- What?

If I sink to their level

I'm just as bad as they are.

Uncle Phil, let me tell you
a little story.

Oh, no.

See, once upon a time
there was this young boy

that lived in Philly, right?

And right next to him
lived the prettiest little honey

you've ever seen in your life.

And he loved her with
his whole heart and soul.

Aw.

Amen, sister.

But see, on the other
side of that girl

lived this little
filthy McRotten dude

and he wanted her
just for her body, right.

So one day, the two dudes
was about to get it on, right.

The girl came out
and stopped 'em.

She said, "No, flip a coin.

And the winner can be
my boyfriend, right."

So the nasty dude snatched off
into his pocket, right.

Calls heads, flips the coin..

The nice guy lost the toss

and the girl,
and it broke his heart.

- And you know why he lost?
- Why?

Because the nasty dude cheated.

- He had a two-headed coin.
- Mmm..

The nice guy
didn't get the girl.

So this story's about you,
isn't it, Will?

That's right,
Uncle Phil.

And to this day,
I just thank God

I had my two-headed coin,
'cause that girl was smoking.

The poll results are in.
Let's see who won.

(man on TV)
'And the race for superior court
judge is neck and neck.'

'Robertson and Banks
are both polling 36%.'

'At this point, anything
could tip the balance.'

'More after this.'

Banks gets into office,
we won't have to hide
anymore.

This city's ours!

[laughing]

Unlike my opponent,
I don't think crime should pay.

I say throw the bums in jail.

(man on TV)
Over the last 20 years,
Judge Robertson has thrown

over 6000 bums in jail.
Philip Banks, none.

Criminals support
Philip Banks. Should you?

(man on TVG)
Throw the bums in jail. Say,
"Philip Banks, no, thanks!"

on election day.

Oh. Oh-oh-oh.

[exhales]
Uncle Phil, you got
to kick that man's butt!

Oh, he, like, begging,
he, like, "Oh, Philip Banks

kick my butt."

Philip Banks,
kick the man's butt.

I can't do it, Vivian.
I'm running an honest campaign.

Philip, that man's evil
and senile.

Why not fight fire
with fire?

Because it goes against
everything I stand for.

What's your point?

I've made my decision.

I'm gonna base my campaign
on the issues, not the dirt.

I have faith in LA.
That LA will have faith in me.

(man on TV)
'With over 90% of the districts
reporting, Judge Robertson'

'has overwhelmingly defeated
Philip Banks.'

I hate LA.

And there's the loser now!

Let's listen in as he makes
his concession speech.

Everyone, I wanna thank you
for your support.

We put up a good fight, and, uh

well, it was
just an unfortunate set

of circumstances that..

Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You don't have to shove!

We got two exits!

Uh, Mr-Mr. Banks, uh

not in recent memory
has someone managed

to lose a race
by such a large margin..

[chuckles]
...and so darn quickly.

Uh, how does it feel?

Well, once when I was a kid,
I zipped my pants up too fast.

Let's just say this brings back
old memories.

Ouch.

Hey, on a brighter note,
I see you've brought

your lovely family with you,
including your daughter

KFPB weather personality
Hilary Banks.

Hilary, you've just seen
your father suffer

a humiliating defeat.

So tell me

are you free
for dinner tonight?

[chuckles]
Look, my father
just lost an election.

I mean, I 'm not
totally insensitive.

- How about tomorrow?
- Great.

[clears throat]

Well, from
the Banks' headquarters

this is Trevor Collins..

...feeling pretty good.

Now, everybody,
put on your best faces.

It's time to go give
the victor his due.

Man. Hey, Uncle Phil,
I got your back.

Well, I got, like, half your
back 'cause your back is like..

Pssh!

[instrumental music]

[applauding]

Whoo!

Want some candy, little girl?

Come here. Mm-hm-hmm.

Judge Robertson, to what do you
attribute your re-election?

To getting more votes than
the other guy.

I mean, why did you
get more votes, sir?

Oh, well, why didn't you
say so, Connie?

You see, all the credit

goes to my campaign workers

who brought me up
when I was down.

Judge Robertson.

Well, who do we have here?

- Carl--
- Uh, I thought I was Carl.

[laughing]

I just wanna congratulate you
on a campaign well fought,sir.

Well, coming from you, Carl,
that means a lot.

- I'm Philip.
- And I am the walrus.

Coo coo ca choo!

[laughing]

Let's get the hell out of here.

That was fun.

There goes Philip Banks

the biggest sap
that ever lived.

'What a stooge!'

[laughing]

- Excuse me?
- You heard me. He's a sap.

A dope.
A loser.

He never had what it takes
and he never will.

- Isn't that right? Mm-hmm.
- Uh-huh.

[laughing]

I think you should
take that back, man.

- Oh, you do?
- Yeah, I do.

Well, I think you should
run along and play

and don't get involved in
politics until you're a big boy.

At least my uncle
stands for something.

Oh, really?
And what would that be?

A buffet?

My uncle fights
for what he believes in.

Ooh! Shame on me!

My uncle's three times the man
you'll ever be.

Oh! He's got my vote.

[all laughing]

And another thing..

...everything you said
in your campaign was a lie.

You have no integrity,
no decency

and you-you're
really, really short.

And I'll tell you another thing,
if you don't like it, man

you can drop dead.

[gasps]

Oh, my God!
He's dead.

Hey, come on, man, if I told you
to jump off a bridge

would you do it?

Aah!

[instrumental music]

How you doing, baby?

Oh, I just feel so guilty,
Aunt Viv.

Oh, come on now, you got to stop
blaming yourself, Will.

He wasn't a young man. He didn't
take very good care of himself.

Now you heard what
the doctor said.

I know, Aunt Viv.

If I could just forget it,
just clear my mind

for one minute..

Well, Will, you really knocked
'em dead the other night, huh?

Don't get him mad, mom.

You don't wanna make him
raise his voice.

Carlton, take out
the trash, honey.

I did it last week.
It's the terminator's turn.

Dan Quayle, please.
I'll hold.

Carlton, why are you
calling Dan Quayle?

Simple. Thanks
to the grim reaper over here

and Judge Robertson taking
the old dirt nap

the governor has
to appoint someone

and the right endorsement
could swing it to dad.

Yeah. Carlton Banks.
That's B-A-N-K-S.

No "E."

Uh, uh-uh-uh, that-that was
a joke, ma'am. Um..

Hello?

The phone's dead...Will.

Carlton, man,
I am not a k*ller!

Aah!

[Carlton laughing]

That's not funny.
That's not funny.

Ashley, you know I'd never
hurt you, right?

I know. I know.

Hilary, you know
that I'd never--

Hurt a fly. We know.

Look, Will, you're taking
this
way too seriously.

I mean, it's not like
you got a bad haircut.

Look, I think
I know how to help Will.

This calls
for tough love.

We've got to draw him out.
Gotta bait him, confront him.

att*ck him
until he defends himself.

Only then will he start
to feel better.

- I don't know, Carlton.
- Look, just follow my lead.

Will, you should be
ashamed of yourself!

How could you do
such a thing?

I hope you never
get mad at me.

[sobbing]

Why y'all screaming at me?

I was minding my damn business
eating some fruit.

Well, I could be wrong.

You won't believe this.

They want me to give the eulogy

at Judge Robertson 's funeral.

You're kidding.

Philip, you know I

I really hate to speak ill
of the dead

but if that little man
hadn't d*ed

I'd have k*lled him myself.

So who's up for Chinese food,
huh?

I'm gonna give
the eulogy, Vivian.

- Philip!
- Daddy, no!

I know Carl changed
over the years

but the man was my mentor.

Now, I'm going to that funeral.

And you're all going
with me.

[instrumental music]

Philip, any chance of getting
those flowers after the funeral?

Sit down, Vivian.

I'd like to welcome you
to the memorial for..

...Carl Robertson.

Saying a few words
on behalf of the departed

will be Philip Banks.

Vivian, where's my speech?

It's on the kitchen counter
where I..

Oh! I'm sorry, Philip.

[clears throat]

What can you say about
Judge Carl Robertson?

What, indeed?

He was a judge.

A judge named Carl.

But he was more,
so much more.

Carl Roberts..
Oh!

He wasn't a very heavy man.

Uh...

Look, I 'm-I'm probably
the wrong person to be up here.

I mean, I just got finished
losing an election to the man

and he used
every dirty trick in the book.

So, uh, at this time
I'd like to invite someone

with an especially warm memory
of Carl Robertson.

Uh, come up here
and share it with us.

Anyone with
a...somewhat fond memory

of Carl Robertson?

Anybody with any recollection
of him at all?

Ah! Yes.

The jerk sentenced me to
six months in jail

for a crime I didn't commit.

I'm just here
to make sure he dead.

Thank you. Yes?

Um, he hired me
to replant his garden.

And when it came time
for him to pay me

he called the immigration
on me.

Gracias.

- Yes?
- I knew Carl biblically.

Oh! Oh, please.

Oh! Sorry.

With him, it was just
a bunch of sex

all the time,
like dating thumper.

Never felt I really
got to know him.

Never felt he cared
about my needs.

- Uh, you were his wife?
- His mistress.

Okay.

For 20 years.

Longest years
of my life.

You don't have any pleasant
memories at all of him?

Mmm. Well..

No.

The man's idea
of sweet talk was

"When are you gonna
bring your sister around?"

Oh.
Mm-hmm.

Well, thank you for sharing.

Whoa-whoa -whoa,
hold up here a minute.

I-I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.
A man is dead here, people.

I mean, did he not feel pain
when he was hurt?

I mean, did he not shiver
when he was cold?

Did he not dream?

I mean, he was only human,
but, yes, he was human.

And I fail to believe
that the world can profit

from a man's death.

And I think each and every
one
of you should be

really ashamed of
yourselves.

And who are you?

I'm the dude that k*lled him.

[applauding]

- 'Bravo! Bravo!'
- 'Whoo!'

Whoo! Whoo!
Whoo! Whoo!

- Tough room.
- Yeah.

Aah!

[instrumental music]

Carl, you're just
wasting your time, man.

Ye, of little faith.

I'm about to get the endorsement

that'll lock up
dad's appointment.

Hello, is Vanna there?

Well, I think heaven is
this wonderful place

where all the people
are good-looking

nothing clashes, and you
never have to wait for a
table

and hell is,
like, the valley.

What do you think, daddy?

I think we're all damn lucky
Hilary has a job.

Thanks, daddy.

No, no, no, no, see, to me,
heaven has to be like

a cross between
a Sir Mix-a-Lot video

and Roscoe's chicken
and waffles.

See, it's, like, I can have
a leg in one hand

and a breast in the other.

So, what do you think, G?

I think I must have been
very bad in a previous life.

You know I don't know why
people are so down on funerals.

[telephone rings]

Banks residence.

- For you, sir.
- Oh, thank you, Geoffrey.

[sighs]
Yes?

Uh, yes, governor.
Yes, it was unfortunate.

W-w-why, of course, sir, yes.
It's an honor. Thank you, sir.

Yes.

Well, what was all that?

The governor just appointed me

to Judge Robertson 's seat!

[all cheering]

- Whoo! Yeah!
- Yes! You're the man!

- Yes! Yes!
- You're the man!

- This calls for champagne, huh?
- Yay!

Oh, oh, oh, oh!
Could I get it for you?

[sobbing]

Why y'all screaming at me?

'I was just minding my damn
business'

'eating some fruit.'

Well, I can be wrong.

(Will)
'What in the hell did you do
to your lips?'

(female #1)
'Alright!'

[instrumental music]