03x12 - The Cold w*r

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Well, well,
I pressed 180 today.

Eat your heart out.

♪ Dum dum ♪

♪ Dum da-dum ♪

♪ Da-dum da-dum
da-dum da-dum ♪

♪ Da-dum da-dum da-dum ♪♪

Way to go,
Arnold Schwartzenegro.

You know, I've had it up to here
with you right now.

Me and you,
mano y mano.Let's go.

- Come on.
- You're on.

Go.

[groans]

[screaming]

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story all about
how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom,
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

Come on, Carlton,
you can't keep moping around

like this forever.

I mean, it's not like
you and Paula just

broke up yesterday, man.

You've had the whole weekend
to get over it.

Will, sometimes
you're so insensitive.

Love isn't something
you can just turn on and off.

Carlton, I still think
you're blowing this whole thing

out of proportion, man.

Now, I've seen Paula, and..

...I don't see
what the attraction was.

What are you talking about?

She's a beautiful, intelligent
girl with a dynamite body.

Oh, yeah, I know. I don't see
what attracted her to you.

These are jokes, man.
Come on, you gotta loosen up.

You gotta have some fun,
you got to do something

or go someplace
that gets her off your mind.

It's impossible.

Everywhere I turn
I see something

that reminds me of her

something we've shared together.

A-a patch of grass,
a, a beach blanket

a swing.

Maybe you should
go to bed.

Vivian, why are you making
a big deal about this?

I say we do it
right here, right now.

Oh, good, a floor show.

Geoffrey, this envelope contains
Mrs. Banks' sonogram.

It's gonna tell us whether
the baby's a boy or a girl.

How can you tell
if it's a boy or girl?

Oh, Ashley,
you are so naive.

If it's a boy,
it's blue.

Come on, I think it's time
for another woman-to-woman talk.

Okay, what do you
wanna know this time?

Hilary's not planning
on having kids, is she?

Philip, I'm not looking
at this sonogram.

It'll take away the excitement
in the delivery room.

Honey, half the thrill
is finding out.

Alright, then it's settled.
We don't wanna know.

Of course, in the delivery room

I'm gonna be too busy screaming.

Okay, I wanna know.
No, I don't.

Yes, I do.

Now, this is exactly why
the doctor

changed his number
on us, Vivian.

Now for the last time,
do you wanna know or don't you?

No.

Fine, then I'll take
the envelope.

I'm not gonna open it.
I promise. Trust me.

Tch, tch.
Aunt Viv, I don't think so.

See, this is the same dude
that said a squirrel

ate that six-pack
of milky ways.

I think Geoffrey
should hold onto it.

- Fine, and don't give it to us.
- No matter how much we insist.

- Got it?
- I think I can handle that.

I got dressed
all by myself this morning.

I feel good about this, Philip.

I think we're doing
the right thing, don't you?

Yes, I agree, baby.
We're doing the right thing.

- Um, um, Unc-Uncle Phil?
- Hmm?

Eh, c-can I talk to you
for a second?

Yeah, sure, Will.
What is it?

Um..

Look, a-a friend of mine
has a little problem

and, you know, I was wondering
since you a judge--

I am not reducing bail.

No, Uncle Phil. No, see that's..
See, check it out.

Now, this friend of mine

knows this squaw that he's
completely in love with, right.

But this particular squaw just
broke up with his best friend.

Now he don't wanna dis his boy
or nothing like that, right.

But he wants to know how long
is a good time to wait

before he, uh, raids
this squaw's village.

- You know what I'm saying?
- Oh.

Interesting you should bring
that up.

I had a case like that
come before me just
recently.

- Really?
- Word up.

Now, this guy started going out
with his best friend's girl

hours after they broke up.

Whoa. He waited that long?

Well, this other guy didn't
think it was that long.

He was very jealous
and he sh*t his friend.

- Dead?
- No.

Let's just say he's, uh,
two olives short of a
martini.

Ooh.

So before your friend
starts raiding any villages

he better be sure
it's worth it.

[instrumental music]

Hey, Paula, how are you doing?
It's Will.

Um, look,
a-about our date tonight..

I'll rock your world.

[instrumental music]

Psst! Geoffrey,
is Mrs. Banks around?

- I believe--
- Shh! Shh!

I believe
she's in the study.

- Shall I get her?
- No.

No. You do too much
running around as it is.

I hate having you
run and do everything.

Mr. Banks have you
been drinking?

Of course not.

You know
and I'd feel a lot better

if you started calling me Phil.

And I'd feel a lot better
if you'd wash

your own underthings, Phil.

[chuckles]

Look, Geoffrey,
now, I know Mrs. Banks and I

made you promise not to show us
that sonogram but, look

I've got to know whether
the baby is a boy or girl

and I can make it
worth your while.

How does 100 bucks sound?

Like one hell
of a night in Tijuana.

Philip Banks, you really should
be ashamed of yourself

bribing Geoffrey with $100.

I'll say. At least
she offered me 200.

[telephone rings]

Hello. Oh, hi, Paula.
Carlton's not here.

Oh, well,
who did you wanna talk to?

Just a second.

It's for you.

It's Paula, as in Carlton's
ex-girlfriend Paula.

Gee.

I wonder why she want to talk
to me?

Maybe I should
just find out.

Hey, Paula, how you doing?

Hey, I'm really looking forward
to tonight so-so we can..

w-work on some homework.

Yeah, you should probably
get
some rest, uh

we might have to
pull a all-nighter.

Talk to you later.

Will, dating Carlton's ex
behind his back isn't nice.

Ashley's right,
if Carlton finds out

he may never speak
to you again.

Maybe you're on
to something.

H-hold up. First, look.

Number one, Carlton is not
even dating

this girl no more, okay.

Number two,
I ain't seen no rings

on her fingers, okay.

And number three Denise got it
going on.

- Paula.
- Ooh, you're right.

I hope that doesn't
happen tonight.

Boy, that Paula's
really bad news.

First she dumps me,
now you know what she did?

No. Hmm, Will, do you know?

[mumbling]
Nah, I don't know nothing.

I'm just a poor black man
trying to make it in
Bel-Air.

She gave me the flu.

Wait. Come on. Look
on the bright side, Carlton.

Most girls don't
give you nothing.

Hi, baby. How was school?

Mommy, I don't feel so good.
I think I got the flu.

Oh, that's too bad, baby.
Get out of the house.

You know, we're getting
more and more

like the Jackson family
every day.

Sweetheart, you know I love you,
but being pregnant

I cannot take a chance
of getting sick now. Now, shoo.

But where will I go?

Well, I guess,
you'll have to move

into the pool house.

The pool house?

Daddy, I live
in the pool house.

And there's no way
I'm giving it up for Carlton.

You wanna start paying rent?

I can be out in an hour.

[instrumental music]

Will, I'm not through
with you.

What you're doing
is despicable.

And what you're doing
is annoying.

Leave me alone.

- Ah-choo!
-Gesundheit.

Will, just a week ago
she was Carlton's girlfriend.

Doesn't that mean
anything to you?

Yes, Ashley. It means
she's having a better week.

Well, Carlton's gonna
put two and two together.

First, Paula had the flu,
then Carlton had the flu

and now you have the flu.

Ashley, I think you're
giving
Carlton too much credit.

I mean, come on,
he thinks "X"is the movie

about Malcolm Jamaal
Warner's
fight for freedom.

Very funny, guys.
Why don't you stop spinning?

And who moved the refrigerator
all the way over there?

How are you feeling, Carlton?

Remember the "Star Trek"
where the insect bored his
way

through the guy's brain?

Yeah.

That'd feel kinda good
right now.

Ah-choo!

Okay, Will, I'm on to you.

Hey, look, Carl, man, I've
no idea what you talking about.

I'm not stupid, Will. I mean,
it's all coming together.

The runny nose,
the watery eyes.

You just couldn't keep
your hands to yourself.

Look, look, Carlton,
now, I know you sick.

You probably
a little delirious.

You probably had
one too many of them

children's aspirins
or something.

That piece was mine.

You ain't got to get
all nasty.

Well, you shouldn't have
done it, Will.

I know, I know, Carlton.
I'm-I'm sorry, man.

I should.. I shouldn't have
taken Paula out.

You're right, man,
but she was coming onto me.

- I couldn't resist, man.
- Paula?

I was talking about
that last piece of cheesecake.

Yeah, s-so was I,
so was I.

[stammering]
No. See, you don't know
about it.

You ain't hip to it, right. In
Philly, we name our food, right?

See, like-like cheesecake
is Paula, right?

And, um, a-a snack pack
i-i-is Boomsheeka.

I can't see him, you can.
Is he buying it?

You backstabbing
girlfriend-stealing

piece of rubbish.

Did you really expect me
to believe you name your food?

Hey, look, Carlton,
I'm telling you, man

it ain't how it seems, man.

Then you didn't go out with
my girlfriend behind my
back?

Okay, it's exactly
how it seems.

But, hey, look, man,
I didn't do it for me.

I did it to for you,
I did it to save you..

...f-from something terrible.

As soon as I figure it out,
I'll let you know what it is.

Every time you've tried
to hurt me

I've turned the other cheek.

Well, I've run out of
cheeks.

Carl, man,
what are you tryin' to say?

I'm trying to say
that I can't trust you anymore.

That we're no longer family,
we're through. Fini,it's over.

Look, Carlton, y-you don't mean
that. You'll get over it.

Oh, yeah?

- Carlton, who are you calling?
- Your mother.

I know he ain't
calling my mother.

Aunt Vy, it's Carlton.
Call me when you get home.

No, mom, don't call him!

I wanna tell you,
how much I hate Will's guts!

He's lying, mom!
He loves me!

No, I don't! Your little slimer
has stolen my girl!

Mom, you know Carlton
never had no girl!

Well, I'm glad
you're out having fun.

'Cause I have to stay here

'cause God only knows
what he'll steal.

Give me the phone.
Get off!

Hey, mom, thanks
for the sweater. Love you.

You've gone
over the line, okay?

You don't never
call a dude's mom.

Oh, so it's okay to steal
a guy's girlfriend

as long as you don't go
tell his mommy about it.

No, no, this is serious, man.

Even in ancient times,
they would k*ll your cattle

they would burn your village,
and they'd stone your family

but they wouldn't never
tell your mother, man.

[imitating will]
But I-I did it to save you

from, uh,
something you'll know.

A-as soon as I figure it out,
I'll let you know.

That's it! We're gonna have to
take this to the street, man!

Aunt Viv!

[instrumental music]

[sighs]

Now, listen, as long as
you're staying in my home

you've to play by my rules.

No crumbs on the carpet,
no hair in the sink

and no dressing up
in my clothes, Carlton.

It was Halloween.

You still haven't
returned my bustier.

What are you doing here?

Look, man, I don't wanna
be here, but I'm sick

and Aunt Viv won't let me stay
in the house.

I think you have
everything you need.

And now if you'll excuse me

I'm going to spend
a quiet evening

with my radio
and Madonna.

Look like you spending the
evening with Little Richard.

I don't care what mom says.
You're not stayin' here.

Why don't you go stay
with Paula?

She asked.
Her parents wouldn't let me.

She has parents? She never
introduced me to her
parents.

She told me
they were dead.

Oh, I really,
really hate you!

I hate you, too.
Just get out of my bed!

Oh, man, nice, firm mattress

just like the one
at Paula's house.

First you steal my woman,
and now you steal my bed.

Look, man, let's get something
straight right now.

I didn't steal your woman.

I rescued her,
and she thanked me

over and over and over..

♪ Raindrops keep fallin'
on my head ♪

♪ Just like a guy
whose feet are too.. ♪

Alright, alright,
stop singing!

Over and over and over!

Why don't you act
like an adult?

Why don't you
look like one?

Well, obviously there's
no reasoning with you.

Look, you just stay
on your side of the room

and I'll stay on mine.

Fine! This is my side
of the room.

Hey, that's not fair!

Guess I'll watch a little TV

seeing as how it's
on my side of the room.

Yo, where's the remote?

On my side of the room.

- Well, toss it here.
- Whatever you say.

[splash]

Go get it!

Make me.

[grunting]

I cut my eye!

[whining]

- Will, you okay?
- Hyah!

[instrumental music]

Thank you for giving me
the night off.

Oh, can I get you
anything else?

No, get out of here,
you knucklehead.

[laughing]

Goodnight.

- Philip, I want that sonogram!
- Yes!

- There's nothing here or here.
- It's gotta be here!

We've searched
the whole house, Vivian.

Oh, what if he's got it on him?

- Ah! Found it!
- You found the sonogram?

No, it's that little chocolate
bunny from Easter.

I've been looking
all over for it.

Philip, honey, at least
take off the foil.

[instrumental music]

- Oh, my head is k*lling me.
- My throat hurts.

[phone ringing]

[groans]

- Now my ears are ringing.
- Mine, too.

(Hilary on automated machine)
'Hi, this is Hilary.'

'Roses are red,
violets are blue'

I'm not in so..

So-so leave a, um..

[phone beeps]

(Paula on phone)
'Hi, honey, it's Paula.
I just heard you're sick.'

'Oh, my poor little baby.
This is all my fault, isn't it?'

- It's for me, man.
- No, it's not, it's for me.

(Paula on phone)
'I wish I could be there
with you.'

'I bet I know
how to make you feel better.'

'First I'd nibble
on your left ear.'

'Then I'd bite you
on your neck.'

'Then I'd..
Oops! There's my other line.'

Hello?

Now look what you did,
you idiot.

You made me miss her call.

That wasn't for you.
It was for me.

Carlton, give it up, man.
She dumped you.

You're like Prince Charles.
You've got the royal flush.

Oh, I'm gonna b*at your butt.

Oh, yeah, what are you gonna do?

Jump up and bang your head
against it?

- Come on. Put your dukes up.
- Come on, boy.

And there's more
where that came from..

...maybe not.

Hey, Carlton.

I'm gonna do something,
that's totally outside my nature

and I'm gonna take
Uncle Phil's advice.

You're gonna go
play on the freeway?

No, man. I'm-I'm gonna be
straight up with you.

I'll tell you everything that
happened between me and Paula.

First time you brought her over
here, man

I thought she was so fine.

And I-I wanted
y'all to break up.

That's very honest, Will,
but I'm still mad!

I guess I'll have to live
with it.

Wait. Th-there's more.

I told her
you had tuberculosis.

- You what?
- I-I don't know, man.

It just came to me.
I'm sorry, man.

I can't believe
you did that!

Well, I'm gonna dig
way down, deep inside

and maybe in time
I'll be able to forgive you.

Wait.

Th-there's more.

I told her
about your hand puppet.

You told her about Binky?
I'll k*ll you!

No, I won't.
I'm bigger than that.

I guess I'll be honest, too.

You remember when Lateesha
suddenly stopped calling
you?

Yeah.

Well, I told her
you worshipped satan.

[exhales]

A-a-alright, alright, alright.
I guess-guess fair is fair.

I'm a man. I can live with that.
I can live with that.

Wait. There's more.

You notice how Ashley has been
acting very funny

around you lately?

Yeah.

Well, I told her
you shave your legs.

- What kind of monster are you?
- Sorry, Will.

I was just feeling a little
jealous of your
relationships.

No, no, that's unforgivable!
That's totally unforgivable!

Uh, wait.

There's more.

You-you remember
your friend Jazz?

Oh, my God.
What did you do with Jazz?

You know that funky smell coming
from the basement?

Psych! This honesty thing
feels great.

What do you say we tell Geoffrey
why his citizenship

never came through?

[instrumental music]

Mmm, this
smells delicious.

You've really
outdone yourself, mom.

- Great oatmeal, mom.
- Thank you.

Um, A-Aunt Viv?

I-in keeping with this-this
new honesty thing

th-this stuff kind of
tastes like drywall

with raisins in it.

[chuckles]

And, Uncle Phil, you know

you really shouldn't wear
silk no more

'cause like when
big folks wear silk--

Well, since we're all being
honest with each other

I'm bloody sick of the two of
you going through my drawers.

Here's your envelope.

I hope you get
what you want.

Well, keeping with
all this honesty

I really wanna see
what we're having.

You mean this isn't oatmeal?

I wanna know, too, Philip.
Okay, let's..

Let's have a look
at that sonogram.

- Oh, my God!
- What is it? A boy or girl?

This isn't a sonogram.
It's a bill for $25,000!

This baby's costing me
a fortune!

Congratulations!
You're having a Hilary!

[instrumental music]

(Vivian)
'Philip, you found
the sonogram?'

No, the little chocolate
Easter bunny.

I've been looking
at it for..

You found the sonogram?

No, it's that little
Easter chocolate bunny.

I've been looking for..

- You found the sonogram?
- No.

It's that little
chocolate bunny from Easter.

I've been looking at it,
looking at it all week..

(Vivian)
It's the little
chocolate Easter bunny!

[instrumental music]