03x13 - Mommy Nearest

[bunniefuu]

- Yo, what up, guys?
- Master William.

Aunt Viv, I've got the cake you
wanted for the family reunion.

Oh, good.

And, uh, guess what's in here.

It's round, it's rubber
and you'll never use it.

Carlton, can we please keep your
hand puppet out of this?

No, look. It's a
California's
driver's license.

I think you're confused, Will.

You need a license
to drive a car, not steal one.

I'm sorry, Carlton,
I didn't understand you.

I don't speak Pygmy.

♪ Now this is a story
all about ♪

♪ How my life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby ♪

♪ Yo homes
smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the Prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

Diva!

Will, what do you think
you are doing?

I'm practicing for when my
mom
and all my aunts get here.

I'm so excited, Uncle Phil.
Aren't you excited?

No.
I hate family reunions.

I always do all the work.

Oh, Philip,
that is not true.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Philip, this is not
the juice Vy drinks

and Helen does not like
this kind of bread.

I guessIwill have to take
it
back to the store.

- No, no, no. Let me do that.
- Great.

Would you pick me up a gallon of
Rocky Road and some sardines?

- Mm.
- Thank you.

And don't eat it all on the way
home like you did last time.

Look who we found.

Diva!

(Vivian)
Janice! Oh, God!

Let me look at you.

No, let me look at her.
Let me look at her. Aah!

Oh, my God.
Frank, how are you?

I'm fine. How you doin'?

Oh, let me look at Frank Jr.

Oh, my goodness,
where did you get

thosebeautifulgreen eyes?

[chuckling]

I'm guessing.
The guy with no rhythm?

- You mean Carlton?
- Oh!

Diva!

Hey, girl!

[laughing]

- Hey!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Could y'all come together next
time? This is exhausting.

Ah! Let me look at y'all.

Vivian, girl,
you are glowing.

Oh, that's 'cause she be
spending a lot of time

in front of the microwave.

Philip, that reminds me
would you pick me up

some microwave popcorn, please?

You know, next time,
I'm going to get pregnant.

Well, you certainly
have the pants for it.

Whoa, Uncle Phil,
if I would've said that

I would've got smacked
in my head.

Oh, look at little Frank!

Oh! Now, that's
the first time

a man has smiled at me
since my divorce.

Aunt Helen, I just want to say
how sorry I am

things didn't work out
between
you and Uncle Lester.

Oh. Thank you, sweetheart.

Do you think he'll still be
sending me a gift

for graduation?

How has he been acting
since the divorce?

Awful. I hate that man.

But I don't like to badmouthhim
without the kid around.

You know, it's like
doing the work twice.

[laughing]

Well, where's Vy? Now she said
she has some really big news.

You know, she told me
the same thing.

Isn't it obvious?

"Really big news?"

She must be bringing me
grandma's diamond earrings.

[laughing]

I don't think so.

Do you like 'em?

Aunt Janice, I never
got to know grandma.

I'd really like to have
something of hers.

Oh, listen, honey,
I have a beautiful

silk handkerchief
of grandma's.

Yeah, like I really want
some old lady's snot rag.

Well, she said it was something
about Robert.

Now, ladies, this could be
an engagement announcement.

- An engagement?
- You know, it could!

No!

Maybe the big news
is something else.

[murmurs]
M-maybe she got cable.

Divas!

[all clamoring]

Big diva.

[laughing]

Mom, it's a terrible idea
marrying this Robert dude.

It's a big mistake.

Baby, I'mnotmarrying
Robert. We broke up.

- Ohh!
- Oh, Vy, now..

- That's the big news.
- 'Oh, my.'

Yes! Alright!

Honey, what happened?
Tell us.

Well, he just wanted more
out of the relationship

and I wasn't sure I could spend
the rest of my life with him.

Amen!

And Will's never been
too fond of him.

No, Will was not.

So, in the long run,
it seemed like the best thing.

Well..

Hey, you know, Vy, I have
a brother who's single.

Although he's not a brother,
I mean, he is a brother

because he's my brother,
but he's just not

your kind of brother.

Oh, brother.

Help me, Will.

No, I think I'mma stick with
the black folks on this one.

[instrumental music]

[laughter]

- Oh.
- Oh.

- I love you so much, mom.
- Oh, I love you, too, sweetie.

You know, hey,
it's great having you out here.

Hey, especially without that
Robert dude.

Getting all in our hair.

Trying like a damn fool
to win me over.

You're not kidding, baby,
you know, for your
graduation

he actually
wanted to buy you a car.

[blows raspberry]

A car?

Yeah.

I'm glad you dumped him
anyway, ma.

Uh-hmm.

What kind of car
he wanted to get me, ma?

Okay, set everything
on the island.

We'll use it tomorrow to serve.

Let me take that, Vivian.

Wouldn't want you
to overexert yourself.

Philip, are you
upset with me?

Vivian, for the past 48 hours,
all I've heard is

"Philip, wash this.
Philip, dust that.

Philip, push me up the steps,
I'm pregnant."

Ohh, as long as you're
not upset with me.

Sir.

When she's not looking

break one of
her crystal figurines.

It'll work wonders
for your attitude.

[crystal shatters]

(Philip)
'Yes!'

Hello, everybody.

You guys missed
a great afternoon.

So did you.

We're down
at the news station.

We got to polish
the silver.

Ooh!

Well, let me tell you

Hilary's the best
weather girl I've ever seen.

Oh, yes, she's beautiful,
she's poised

she's articulate!

Oh, God! I'm really enjoying
all of this

but please stop.

[laughing]

Okay.

Frank, honey, I think it's time
to change Frank Jr.

Okay, babe.
Here.

You know,
you look a little tired.

Why don't you come and lay down,
and I'll rub your feet

for a little while.

Oh, thanks, baby.

That does it.

I'm getting me a white man.

[laughing]

Girl, stop it!

No! Just to help
around the house a little bit.

Now, come on! You know
you all were thinking it.

[laughing]

I'm never driving in a car
with Uncle Lou

and Aunt Eleanor again.

Oh, honey, what happened?

Well, they were blasting
the radio

sticking their heads
through the sunroof

and yelling at other cars.

When they weren't doing that,
they were making out.

I mean, when are
those two gonna grow up?

Oh, baby.
Will you stop it?

[indistinct chatter]

[laughing]

Hey! Get your own girl!

Aunt Eleanor!
Hi, Uncle Lou!

[Lou laughing]
Hi!

Well, look at you two.

Gosh, you look like
a couple of kids.

You look like a couple
of kids yourself. Huh.

[laughing]

Oh, hey, y'all
got to remember

she's carrying
Uncle Phil's child.

Oh, stop.

Oh. Lou, I want to go up
and, uh, freshen up.

Ahem. Me, too.

Uh, see y'all tomorrow.

Now, what does Aunt Eleanor have
that I don't?

A horny husband.

Man, and this is just so great.

My whole family
under one roof.

You know, I-I just wish
that we could

all be together all the time.

Baby, at least you and I
are gonna be together

in a few months.

Oh, get..
You moving to LA?

No, silly,
I'm talking about

when you graduate high school
and move back home.

It'll be just like
old times, baby.

Just you and me, we can do
everything together.

Oh, I can hardly wait.

Oh, I've looked forward
to this for so long.

And I've got so many
things planned.

[voice speeding up]
I can't believe you're
graduating from high school.

[voice gets higher and faster]

[static]

[expl*si*n]

[instrumental music]

[knock on door]

Hi, baby.

I came to tuck you in.

- Here you go. Mm.
- Thanks a lot, mom.

Um, can-can we talk about me
moving back home?

Oh, you're excited, too, huh?

Well, look, now that you
mention it, ma--

Baby, I got your room
fixed up so nice

and keep your fingers crossed

'cause I got a friend
at UFP who thinks

she might be able to
pull some strings

with your application.

Heck, with me working
around the corner

we could have lunch together
every day.

Ooh, every day.

I'll tell you, baby,
these past few days with you

have been so great. I haven't
thought about Robert once.

Really? 'Cause yo, I've been
thinking about himallthe time.

Well, you just
get some rest..

...and we'll talk some more
tomorrow.

Mwah.

See you.

[sighs]

[doorbell rings]

I'll get it!

- Hey, Al!
- Hey, Will.

[coughs]

How are you doing, Mr. Smith?

Oh, hey,
call me Will, man.

Hey, what do you say
you take me down

to one of them, uh, dance clubs
y'all be going to?

♪ Do dop yiddy yiddy ♪

♪ Bop dat doot dat
yiddy brown ♪

- Excuse me?
- Oh, never mind, boy.

I thought you was hip.
Get on outta my house.

Oooh-eee!

Hey, girl! How you doing
your fine self?

Why don't you slide over here
and let big daddy

talk to you a little bit?
Hey!

- You like that, don't you?
- Who was that out there, baby?

Oh, ain't nobody, mama.

Now get your big old butt
back in here then.

- Look here, mom.
- 'What's that?'

A letter from Carlton.

Oh, and the boy
sent a picture.

Oh, look at that,
he look great

and he's so tall.

Lord, who'd have thought
he'd sh**t up12inches

in his freshman year?

Mm..

"Dear Will..

"...and Aunt Vy,
enjoying a relaxing vacation

"with Mariah and the kids.

"It's great to be rich.

"Ha-ha.

"Love, Carlton.

"PS, it's really,
really great to be rich.

Ha-ha."

Isn't it nice
hearing from Carlton?

Mm-hmm.

Baby, why ain't you got on
that leisure suit

I laid out for you?

Because I'm a 72-year-old man

still living
with his mother

and I'm tired of it, mom.

I mean, I want to get married

and I want
to have some kids

and I don't want nobody
telling me what to wear.

I'm sorry.
You the man, you the man.

And high time I start
treating you like one.

You got that right.

Can I have $10
to go to the movies?

Sure, baby.

There you go.

Another dollar
for some gummy bears.

You taking
anybody special?

- Harriet Jenkins.
- Mmm!

You're spending
my social security

on Harriet Jenkins.

Look, mama,
I'm going to tell you

if you mess this date up
for me, I'm moving out of here.

- Okay. Okay.
- I swear!

You know, I was looking
in the paper the other day

and I saw Robert's picture.

Oh, Lord,
here comes Robert again.

Mm, you remember him, don't you?

The man that proposed to me?

I remember.

His wife dead yet?

- No.
- Damn!

I'll use more dynamite
next time.

Lord know he a rich man

handsome, too.

Even hear he giving
money to the church

but I tell you
one thing, baby--

I sure am glad that you talked
me out of marrying him.

Okay, ma, you win.

I'll cancel my date
with Harriet.

Oh, baby, you ain't
got to do that.

You just put on
thatleisuresuit.

I'llcall Harriet.

[intense music]

I'm still half asleep
so don't nobody talk to me.

Did the baby wake you up?

Eleanor and Lou
woke me up.

I swear that man's part
jackhammer.

[laughing]

Oh, Lord, they didn't even eat
this much at"The Last Supper."

Huh, well, I guess you're
old enough to remember.

[laughing]

Yeah, but I'm still young enough
to kick your butt.

- Oh, wham!
- Ooh!

What are you all doing up?

Eating and talking about sex.

Well, personally,
I prefer eating.

You don't have to wait
an hour for seconds.

[laughing]

Alright!

Well, Vy, tell me,
what's the real deal

between you and Robert?

- 'Mm-hmm.'
- I wasn't in love with him.

Girl, are you crazy?

That man had a business,
a car, and money.

Now, what's love
got to do with it?

Can we just for once have
a conversation

without my name
being mentioned?

Sure, Vy...why is a certain
person ruining Will's life

by moving him
back to Philly?

Why doesn't a certain person

stick adrumstickin her mouth
and call it a day?

Oh! Wait a minute now, Vy.

We all family here,
and we all care about Will.

Listen, do I tell you
how to raise your son?

No. But I wish you would.

Um, Vy, I really think
Will had his heart set

on going to school
in California.

Oh,so this is how it is.

Once again my family
has taken it upon themselves

to decide that Vy don't know
how to take care of her own.

- Oh, no!
- No!

No, you're wrong.

You're wrong
and I'll thank all of you

to keep your noses
outof my personal affairs.

[instrumental music]

Okay, okay, everybody, who
is
going to bless this table?

Well, uh, I think it ought to be
the oldest, Vy.

I'm not the oldest,
Uncle Lou is.

Well, he's young to me.

- Lou.
- Lou!

(Lou)
Yes, yes, okay, okay.
Alright.

Alright, ahem,
dear lord, we thank you..

...for bringing
our family together.

'Keep us safe and healthy'

'so that we can come
together again.'

'And we thank Philip and Vivian
for their hospitality'

'and their Jacuzzi.'

(Eleanor)
'Amen.'

Enjoying the reunion,
Master William?

Uh..

I don't know what to do, G.
I mean..

I don't want to move
back to Philly

but I-I don't want
to let my mom down.

But then on the other hand--

I'm so terribly sorry,
Master William.

There's been
a misunderstanding.

Apparently, I gave you
the impression

that I really
wanted to know.

Where did Uncle Lou
and Aunt Eleanor disappear
to?

Oh, my God,
are they at it again?

Those two areanimals.

I-I-I-I-I was in the
bathroom.

Get your minds out
of the gutter.

What?

Uh, now, Will, a-about your
moving back to Philly..

Uh, yeah, I know. The sheets
and bed linens stay here.

No. Well, yeah.

No, what I was gonna say was
I hope that

money wasn't a,
a part of your decision.

Because I'd be more than
happy
to help with your tuition.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot,
Uncle Phil

but I need to be in Philly,
you know, with my mom.

Yeah, well,
whatever you decide

I just want you to know
that I'm behind you 100%.

Hey, tha.. Hey, that means
a lot to me, Uncle Phil.

- Good. Okay, son. Alright.
- Alright.

Okay, Vivian, I told him
everything you wanted me to.

Now give me my piece of pie.

- Hi, baby.
- Hey, what's up, mom?

I have a little
surprise for you.

Yes, I got a deal
on a cruise.

And I am sending you
to the Caribbean

for your graduation.

- Oh! For real?
- Yes.

I always wanted to go
to the Caribbean.

♪ Day-o ♪

♪ Day-o ♪

It'll be so great, baby.

We could go snorkeling
and play shuffleboard.

[exhales]

We? I mean..

- You're going, too?
- Well, sure.

And it's not locked in yet,
but I think the entertainment

is going to be
the new "Fifth Dimension."

Oh, I love them!

Take me!
Take me!

Shut up, Carlton.

Oh, yeah? Well..

Well, you smell
like broccoli.

- What's the matter?
- Mom, this is-this is great.

Um, we need to talk and..

Look, it can't wait, we got to
talk about this right now.

Uh-oh.

Well, I hate to say
I told you so.

I know what you all are thinking
but you're wrong.

Now Will is looking forward
to moving back to Philly

aren't you, baby?

Whoosh!

Look what the wind
did to my hat.

Ma, can you help me
go find it, please?

Will, what is going on?

Hey, look, mom, it's..

Oh, we were just..

Somebody should
fix this light here.

Yeah, there's some
things broken.

(Carlton)
The light.
Uh, the light.

Yeah.

Walk with me.
Talk with me, mom.

- Alright, look, check it out.
- Spit it out.

Alright. Well, see, I was--

Baby, whatever it is,
I will understand.

I know you'll understand

and I'll be on my way
to the emergency room.

Oh! Will, just say it.

Mom, I don't want
to move back home.

How can you say that?

Baby, when I sent you out
here

it was only on
a temporary basis.

I always expected you
to come back home.

Uh..
So did I, mom.

And look, I know I was tripping
when I first came out here

and 'cause you were right.
I needed to be out here.

And I still need
to be out here

you know, it's-it's given me
a head start

you know, so I can break out
on my own.

Well, what about college?

You know I can't
afford to send you

to an out-of-state school.

I know, ma, but look,
I-I was hoping

I could get
a scholarship or-or a loan

and Uncle Phil
said he'd help me.

And if that doesn't work,
I'll get a job

I'll get two jobs,
but please don't make me

move back home, mommy.

Obviously you've given this
a lot of thought, huh?

But I'll be honest with you.

I still want you
to come home.

I miss you.

I miss you, too, mom
but I'll visit

every Christmas..

...and-and every Easter

and-and-and whatever else of
them holidays it'd take

to get that evil look
out your face.

Well, it sounds like
you've made up your mind..

...so I guess I have to
respect your decision.

You do?
I mean, you do!

I-I love you, mom.

I love you, too, baby.

[sighs]
As much as I hate to admit it

your aunts were right
and I was wrong

but don't you dare tell them,
you hear me?

[clamoring]

We're getting
some some coffee.

(Carlton)
Uh, someone should fix
this light here.

- Yeah.
- Uh, the light.

Um, you gotta fix this light.

Your, your secret's safe
with me.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Sir, when she's not looking

break one of her
crystal fusiliers.

You know.. Do you know
what a fusilier is?

A fusilier!
A crystal fusilier!

A fusi..

(Will)
They must got
them in London.

[laughter]