03x14 - Winner Takes Off

[bunniefuu]

Okay, here we go.

Put down your money,
find the honey.

Locate the black queen,
and I don't mean Little Richard.

There!

Okay, Carlton, you're pretty
good for a white guy.

- What's going on out here?
- I'm cleaning up, Geoffrey.

I hope they pay you
more than they pay me.

Seriously, Geoffrey,
you should get in on this.

Do you play the Hell's Kitchen
version or the A-train hybrid.

- Huh?
- I'm in.

Alright, here we go.

Zagnut, Goobers,
Good and Plenty

locate the black girl,
you win $20.

That one.

Yes!

Well, there goes
Saturday night at Sizzler.

I had coupons, too.

Beginner's luck,
Master William.

- One last bet?
- No, no, thanks. I'm out, G.

Didn't realize you were
such a coward.

[imitating a chicken]

Chicken.
Bak-bak..

Alright, look, don't nobody
call me a coward.

- What's your bet?
- 50 big ones.

I ain't no punk, but I'll take
that down. Here we go.

I can't look.

- Drat!
- Damn. Oh, damn, G.

Damn!
There, see, that one red.

See, if it was like you, you'd
have won but it red so you lost.

Better luck next time.

He fell for it, Will.
Now let's go hustle dad.

- Oops.
- "Oops?"

Good cover. I'm guessing
you've done this before?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia,
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out, maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought
nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled
to the cabbie ♪

♪ Yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

Oh, you're wasting
your time, Carlton.

Geoffrey already cut out
all the bra ads.

Will, for your information,
I was looking at those

funny little markings
underneath the pictures.

In Bel-Air
we call them "Words."

Hey, guess what, I just finished
my first short story.

Oh, what a coincidence,
your first short story

and your first short son
in the same room.

My friend at Essence magazine
offered to read it.

But, before she does,
I wanted to give you a copy

and I want you to tell me
exactly what you think.

Great, I can't wait to read it.

Well, now that
I am a professional

I'm gonna go check out
that new word processor.

- See you.
- That's my little writer.

Okay, somebody bury this.

Dad, are you crazy?

If I read this story, it'll be

the biggest mistake
I've ever made.

I don't know about that,
Uncle Phil.

Remember them plaid shorts
you wore last summer?

Look, let me tell you boys
something about women.

Now, if I read it
and say I like it

she'll think I'm just trying
to make her happy.

If I say I don't like it

she'll stop trying to
make me happy.

Whoo. Yes, women is a trip,
Uncle Phil.

It's just like, let's say

you accidentally scream out
the wrong name

and they jumping all out
the back of your car like that.

So, what are you
gonna do, dad?

- Hey, I'm the man of the house.
- Yeah.

What do you think
I'm gonna do?

What a man would do.

Buy her a car and hope
she forgets all about this.

You know, we can really learn
a lot from that man.

Hey, G, would you make me
a sandwich?

But of course.

Now you're a sandwich.

You can take it
off your head.

- Uh, G, something wrong?
- You swindled me.

I was planning to use that money
on lottery tickets.

The jackpot's up to
$26,000,000.

Wow!

Could you imagine
what life would be like

with all that money?

Buying whatever you want,
driving fancy cars

dining in fancy restaurants.

Wait a second,
that is what life is like.

I see this is
getting me nowhere.

Now, if you'll excuse me

I'm going to enjoy the one thing
you can't spoil for me.

I don't know, Will.

I mean, Geoffrey works hard
for his money.

- Yeah.
- You know, we have so much.

And he has so little.

- Well, now we'll have more.
- Yeah, absolutely.

(male #1 on TV)
'Let's play "Brainstorm."'

(male #2)
'Felix, I'll take
Famous Quotes for $100.'

(male #3)
'The question is, "What is the
motto of The Three Musketeers?"'

That's an easy one.
"Creamy on the inside

smooth on the outside."

- "All for one and one for all!"
- 'Right again.'

I can't believe
you missed that one, G.

Yeah, even Will could have
guessed that one

and the only thing he reads
is the cereal box.

Yeah, well, at least
I don't fit in one.

Well, if you're so confident
in my lack of ability

perhaps you'd like
to make a little wager.

- Say, $30?
- Done.

(male #4)
'Vietnam for $200.'

(male #5)
'You drew the wild card.'

What do you say, Geoffrey?
Want to double your bet?

Well, it is an
awful lot of money

but, what the hell?

(male #6)
'And the question is.'

'"Who is the South Vietnamese
president'

'k*lled by his own
generals in 1963?"'

Ngo Dinh Diem.

(male #7)
'No guesses? The correct answer
is Ngo Dinh Diem.'

[laughing]
Splendid.

I say we call Immigration.

Is this "Brainstorm?"

How sad. Some people will do
anything for money.

I mean, why don't they just
ask their fathers?

(male #8)
'The category is Greek History.'

'And the final Brainstorm
question is.'

'"What Bronze Age civilization
emerged about 2500 BC?"'

Oh, I know.
The Minoan civilization.

- 'The Minoan civilization?'
- 'Correct.'

Whoa , whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold up, hold up.

Time out. Time out.

Flag on the plate, traveling,
offsides, clipping.

Hold up, wait a minute.

- What's up with this here?
- Hilary, how'd you know that?

Easy, Geoffrey's been
watching that tape all day.

Well, I'm off to the store.

Oh, when you're through,
do turn off the VCR

and return that tape of
"Brainstorm" to my room.

And might I add, ha-ha!

And, ha!

- Carlton, come on, come on.
- Okay, okay.

I wonder what Geoffrey
uses that cape for.

Just..

Give me the lottery ticket.

Alright, watch the door.

Are you sure
we should do this?

Look, come on, man.
He got our money.

I mean, it's either this
or force him

to listen to
Yoko Ono albums.

Boys, your mother is
driving me crazy

about reading that short story.

Well, gee, dad,
why don't you just read it

and get it over with?

I did read it.

Trust me, the only thing your
mother should write is checks.

So, if she asks where I am

you haven't seen me
and I'm not at home.

- Whoa, whoa, but, Uncle Phil--
- No "Buts," Will.

No matter what she says

you haven't seen
hide nor hair of me.

Hi, sweetheart.
How long have you been there?

You read it.
You read it and you hated
it.

No, I lost it.
Yeah, yeah, that's it.

And I was so looking forward
to reading it.

Oh, well, that's okay 'cause,
I made an extra copy. Here.

- And I want you to be honest.
- I will.

Oh, check it out. The
lottery
numbers are coming on!

Turn it up.
Turn it up.

Why, Geoffrey, do you have a
ticket in today's drawing?

(male #9)
'And this week's
SuperLotto numbers are.'

'Sixteen. Twenty-two.'

- 'Three.
'- Oh, my..

- 'Forty-one.'
- Yes! Yes!

- 'Twelve.'
- Yes! Please, God.

Fifteen.
Fifteen, please.

(male #10)
'And the last number
for the $26,000,000 jackpot..'

'...fifteen!'

[screaming]

I'm rich! I'm rich!

I'm rich! I'm rich!

Did someone say "Rich"?

Hey! I don't care how much money
you got, brother, you ain't..

What's going on in here?

And don't tell me
I'm too young to know

because I'm sick of it.

My friends,
this calls for a drink.

- This is incredible.
- I'll say.

Uh, uh, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey, now, that's
a $500 bottle of champagne.

Ah, the cheap stuff.
Not to worry, Phil.

It's on me.

Geoffrey, check it out.
Me and Carlton--

Aha, your Montrose vase

attracts dust like a magnet.

G, listen..

Problem solved.

- Okay, G, listen, listen.
- Philip.

I have $1,000
with your name on it.

Do the family a favor,
get Viv some cooking lessons.

You..

And, Miss Ashley,
how does a Mercedes sound?

Vroom, vroom?

Very clever,
I'll get you two.

Vroom, vroom, vroom.

Nice try.

In case you hadn't
figured it out..

...I quit.

I quit. I quit.

I quit. I quit. I quit.

Mom and dad are gonna k*ll us
when they find out what we did.

No, they're not, 'cause they're
not gonna find out what we did.

Geoffrey's not leaving because
I'm gonna do the right thing.

What, tell the truth?

No, I'm gonna beg
like Keith Sweat.

♪ Money money
money money money ♪

♪ Money money
money money.. ♪

Money.

♪ Money money
money money money.. ♪

Will, do something.

Will!

You can keep the tape.

I'm buying the O'Jays.

Look, G

we've known each other,
you know, a long time, right?

We certainly have.

My God!

All these years.

All these memories.

How do you say goodbye?

Like this, "Goodbye."

Goodbye.

Geoffrey, you remember
when you came to us

and you had no money
and nowhere to go?

Yes!

Well, some things
never change.

Am I missing something?

Yeah, about $26,000,000.

Will did it.

Did what?

We tricked you into
thinking you won, G.

What you just watched was a tape
of last week's lottery numbers.

[laughing]

How clever.

You used my own
ruse against me.

How I admire you.

Die! Die! Die!

Geoffrey, you're k*lling him.

You catch on quickly,
you little twit.

G, G, listen,
I said we're sorry.

Oh, I'm.. I'm..

I'm sorry.
I must not have heard you.

I'm fine.
I'm okay. I'm okay.

Look, G.

It's gonna be alright, man.

Uncle Phil will give you
your job back.

What about the money?

There is no money.

I see.

I have no choice but to leave.

I made such a fool of myself.

Ooh, I shudder to think
what I said to your parents.

It's alright, G.
Come on, man.

I'm too humiliated to stay.

- But Geoffrey, you can't go.
- Come on, G.

It was a joke, man.

Will, what are we gonna do?

Look, I don't know
about you, man

but I'm gonna take
this TV right here, man.

Hey, will you grab that radio,
drop it off in my room for me.

You did what?

Are you out of your horny,
little adolescent minds?

I know I am, dad.

What you did
was not only humiliating

it caused Geoffrey
to quit his job.

Look, Uncle Phil,
it was just a joke.

A joke I had nothing
to do with, dad.

I mean, you know me, I don't
even have a sense of humor.

You two have pulled
some pranks in your day

but this one,
this one takes the cake.

He's about to blow, man.

Make a break for the front door.
I'll cover you.

- So.
- So.

Tell me, if you were me,
what would you do?

I don't know,
forget the whole thing

and get us a couple jet skis.

I like that.
You go..

Look, you big-eared
freeloader

you take the little,
square-headed cousin, here

and you find Geoffrey
and you bring him back

or they'll never
find your bodies.

And I'm a judge.
I can make it happen.

You know, really,
I don't mind the yelling.

But does he have to spit?

This happens all the time.
They think I'm Bryant Gumbel.

Are you the guy from "Webster?"

No.

I told you it was the guy
from "Diff'rent Strokes."

So, Bryant, are you sure
this the restaurant

Hilary said
G was working at?

What are you two nimrods
doing here?

- I'm pretty sure.
- Look, G.

Come on, man, we want you
to come home with us.

I'm afraid that's impossible.

Alright, G,
we made a mistake, okay.

What, are you going to
hold a grudge forever?

How about until I'm dead?

Geoffrey, you can't let
something like this

come between us.

Look, I want you to leave.

I finally found a position where
I'm respected and appreciated.

Geoffrey, the urinals need
mints. Move it.

Inside joke.
You wouldn't understand.

Look, I don't think
it's going to work, Will.

Keep hope alive.

Yay, my man!

Look, check it out, me and my
partner, here

we need a table preferably
by the window. Now.

- Who are you?
- Who am I?

You hear him? Who am I?

I'm a black man
with a short fuse.

Geoffrey, show them
to the table.

Show us to the table.

- Eat fast and get out.
- We're not leaving without you.

Look, G, come on,
everybody misses you.

Well, get used to it.
I can't go back.

You humiliated me.

Geoffrey, we've all
been humiliated.

Yeah, how do you think
Carlton feels

when he changes
into his gym shorts?

That's a very small humiliation.

Hey, what's that
supposed to mean?

[bell dings]

Yoo-hoo, waiter.

If I don't get something
to drink soon

I'm gonna die.

You promise?

Will, I don't think
he's gonna come with us.

Ah, don't worry, baby.
Plan B.

Say, miss, check it out,
look me and my partner

can't afford nothing
on this menu.

Probably, a Vaseline and salt
sandwich if they had one.

Check it out, I'll give you $5
for that salad.

- What?
- Alright, $6.50.

Wait, check it out, $7
for just the lettuce.

Well, I never..

All this money he paying for
this food, girl, you better.

- What's up? What's up? What?
- I'm so sorry.

You're embarrassing me.

Well, you know what you have to
do to get rid of us.

I know you're trying to get me
fired but it won't work.

Just leave.

Oh, my God!

What, are you blind? Your
table's on fire. Pay attention.

- You idiot!
- What is going on here?

Should I tell him?

Or do you want to, dad?

- This is your son?
- Of course not.

Is it our fault you never
married mom?

I know she embarrassed you.

She only had one arm

and when you would go
to concerts

she clapped like this.

Surely, you don't believe this.

Daddy, you're ashamed of us?

This is my brother, Carlton.

He knows we can't afford
any bigger clothes

so he just doesn't grow.

Daddy, I want to grow.

He's never even been on a
roller coaster for God's sakes.

You two are
really something.

Something good
or something bad?

I can't believe you'd go through
all this to get me back.

We miss you.

We love you, dad.

Alright.
I'll come back home.

Daddy's coming home.
Thank you, daddy.

Thank you. Daddy's coming.
Thank you. Daddy's coming home.

[scatting]

You so crazy.

'I'm crazy about you, girl.'