01x08 - Bewitched, Bothered and Bewildered

[bunniefuu]

[APPLAUSE]

CHE: If you're living your truth,

then you're a part of the revolution.

[CHEERS]

You're a part of the evolution.

We know that visibility isn't justice.

But visibility can be the key
that unlocks it all, y'all.

- [CHEERS]
- Okay?

I want to thank you all for
living in your truth today,

for saying, "f*ck this rain bullshit..."

[CHEERS]

and being here for each other.

I mean, y'all are makin' me wet, okay?

Ba-doop-boop-ba-doop.

[ALL LAUGHING]

And I wanna thank our LGBTQ+ allies.

[CHEERS]

CHE: Yes! I see you. We see you.

- You okay, darling?
- Oh, I'm sorry.

CHE: Live your truth.

You have nothing to hide.

[CHEERS]

That's right. That's right. Yeah!

So, you know what? Hiding
is, like, so five years ago.

Hiding... isn't the key to anything.

Hiding, uh, hiding...

hiding... takes away the
bright light that you are.

- So, f*ck that shade and shine!
- [CHEERS]

- Shine! Yes!
- ["WIG" BY TODRICK HALL PLAYING]

Yes, Queen! Give us that b*at!

Give us that b*at! Yeah, woo, woo!

- ♪ This sh*t is my jam ♪
- CHE: Come on, y'all! Yeah!

Yes! Yes!

♪ This sh*t is my jam ♪

♪ This sh*t is my jam ♪

♪ This sh*t is my jam ♪

Oh, sh*t. I gotta go. Thank you.

Hey! I got us iced coffees.

Uh, yeah, I saw you leaving.

Are you wanted by the law or something?

- No.
- What was that Looney Tunes exit?

Yosemite Sam chasing
you down or some sh*t?

- No.
- Okay.

I saw my son, and I didn't want
him to see me here with you.

He doesn't know about me?

He doesn't know about me,

or you, or, or me with you.

He doesn't know you're
in an open marriage?

You are in an open marriage, aren't you?

I wasn't till you.

Are-are you f*cking kidding me?

I never said I was in an open marriage.

You never said you weren't.

I mean, you get out of my
bed, and go home to a husband.

That's... That's an open marriage.

We, we probably should've
discussed this before now.

Y-Ya think?

I mean, I'm, I'm, I'm on stage
telling people not to hide...

as I watch you, the person I've been
f*cking for the last three weeks,

pretty much nonstop skulking away.

I, I, I know, but...

our times together are so special,

and I didn't want to bring up something,

- something...
- Something like the truth?

- No.
- Jesus Christ, Miranda.

Why did you even put yourself
out there if you're not available?

It's not fair... to not
bring this up until now.

You knew all this was new to me.

New to being q*eer is one thing,

married and lying is another. sh*t.

I, I... [SIGHS]

This all happened so fast.

I wasn't expecting you.

- Mm.
- I've been married for forever,

and I, and I, and I didn't want to...

I mean, it's complicated.

No, I'm sure it is... for you.

But it's not for me.

'Cause I can't let it be.
I'm very clear who I am.

I don't sneak around, I
don't cheat, and I don't lie.

I'm a lot of things...
but I'm not a homewrecker.

- My home's wrecked already.
- Thank you for the coffee.

- Seriously?
- Yeah, yeah.

I can't do this with you,
no matter how much I want to.

Wait, no, no. That's it?

Yeah, it is until
you figure out your life.

I...

- Che, can I get a selfie with you?
- Hey!

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, sure.

FAN: Thank you! We love
you, thank you so much!

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Enter at your own risk.

Oh my God. It's like
the Barneys warehouse sale.

Oh, you remember the
Barneys warehouse sale?

Remember it?

I used to get my assistant

to camp out on th Street

so I'd be the first one in.

- That was quite a scene.
- Oh, don't I know it, sister.

I almost got into a
Kn*fe fight with a woman

- over a Bottega cashmere wrap coat.
- That was you?

I bet you'd cut a bitch
for some cashmere.

And you'd be right.

Mm.

Mm.

You asked me where I've been all week?

This is where I've been,
in my s, s, and s.

And that's just on that rack.

- [LAUGHS]
- CARRIE: Oh...

- Do you want to see something amazing?
- Always.

I don't wanna brag...

but it is my pride and joy.

That's quite a build-up.

- I'm not worried.
- Hm!

[MAGICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

No.

- No.
- Yes.

- No!
- Yes.

Okay.

- What the f*ck am I looking at?
- [BOTH LAUGHING]

Versace.

I've only worn her twice,

once in Paris, and
once here just for fun.

I sat at that window,

and ate a whole thing of Jiffy Pop.

Fabulous. What're you
gonna do with it now?

I mean, besides leave it
to me in your will.

Charlotte's daughter,
Lily, has been here all week

helping me archive everything,

you know, for proper storage

in exchange for some of my...

vintage pieces, which, sadly, were
not vintage when I bought them.

Oh, no, you, you can't smoke in here.

But... I feel like I just had sex.

I know, I'm sorry, but I,
I smoked in here one night,

and then, everything
smelled like a cigarette,

and I was right back there
wanting to smoke morning, noon,

and while I was sleeping.

I swear this is true.
I woke up one morning

with a lit cigarette in my hand.

Exactly, so now, I allow myself

one a day in a walk around the block

with, like, three kerchiefs on my head,

and Playtex kitchen gloves.

I just can't risk having that smell,

you know, in my hair, and...
on my hand going, "Eew."

- That's a good look.
- No, I'm sure I look insane,

but I'll sit on the stoop with you...

if my new neighbor's
not out there again.

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

And, um, we're in line,

and then eventually he
looks at me, and he's like,

- "No..."
- Nope.

Girlfriend likes her some stoop.

She's so cool.

Always very, you know,

one shoulder naked with a gorgeous

rope jewelry, somethin'
special around her neck.

Well, what the f*ck does Ashley know?

- She's f*ckin' crazy.
- She's not crazy.

- You just don't know her.
- Mmm.

- The guy's sexy.
- They always are.

What I wanna know

is how can she afford the good
apartment under me at her age?

- Russian hooker.
- Why would you say that?

It's a common scenario in
high-end real estate.

Didn't know that.

So, they bumped me up to first-class,

and I was like, I don't care
that we just landed, dude,

I'm not gettin' off this plane.

[ALL LAUGHING]

"Air Marshal to first-class,
we have a hostile hipster."

Hipster? Hipster? f*ck you, dude.

What, no one has a name?

- Everyone's just dude?
- Yeah, that's right, dude.

- [LAUGHING]
- Okay.

[BOINGING]

[BOINGING]

Hello?

Oh, hi, it's Carrie.
Sorry, did I wake you?

Nah, yeah, I'm awake, I'm awake.

You sound like you're sleeping.

Nah, I'm just scared.

The only person to call my
phone to talk is my grandma.

And she d*ed, like,
five years ago, so...

I have a very serious question,

and you're the only person
I know who would be up at : .

Yeah, we just ate.

My girlfriend Smoke's
on a design deadline

and she's sewin' like a mutha.

Oh, wait a minute.

You have a girlfriend?

And her name is Smoke?

And she's a designer?

Yeah, I have a whole life.

Well, I hope to meet her sometime.

Can do. So... what's the buzz?

Is there like a cool way

to ask my new neighbor
to please stop making

so much noise outside on the stoop?

Do you own a licensed firearm?

- No, I do not.
- Then, no. Lay low.

The last building I lived in...

the lady yelled out the
window for us to be quiet.

And from then on, we called her

the Wicked Witch of the West Side.

She was only, like, .

Well, I... I wasn't planning on yelling,

but there's, like, a whole group now,

and they're keeping me up.

Dude, just close your window.

I did that, but one
girl has a laugh that...

defies any sound barrier.

- Oh, wait!
- [MUFFLED LAUGHTER]

- There, hold on.
- [WOMAN CACKLING]

- Did you hear it?
- Yeah, I did.

You want me to come over with my g*n?

Jackie, you better not have a g*n.

I don't. It's just a bit!

I'll bring you the g*n tomorrow.

Okay, good night.

MAN: Exactly. And I was
like, "Yeah, I can move out.

I can move out as soon as
you want. How's never?!"

You are so funny! Stop!

Seriously? Stop!

No, you stop!

[ALL LAUGHING]

Swear to God. Swear to God.
She goes like,

"What!" I'm like, if I gotta...

Come on!

[CHATTER STOPS]

- Sorry, ma'am.
- Jesus.

[CHATTER, LAUGHTER RESUME]

Ma'am.

Hey... thought you said you
were going out for your run.

And I thought you said
you were gonna start

wearing this Oura ring today,

and yet, it is still in the box.

I feel silly wearing
a fitness ring, babe.

Well, maybe, you haven't noticed,

but men your age are suddenly
developing heart problems.

Is this about that baked
brie I ordered last week?

Yes. And also, the Hershey Kisses

that I found in
the shoebox in the closet.

- Busted.
- Mm-hm.

So, I splurge once in a
while. What's the big deal?

I'm at my fightin' weight, babe.

If you die on me, I will k*ll you.

Now, this is all
synced up to your phone,

ready to go, so put it on now.

Hm, well, if you want me
to wear your ring, you see,

then you gotta ask me properly.

Harry.

I mean, this is a big commitment.

[SIGHS]

[CHUCKLES] Harry...

- will you wear this ring?
- I will.

- So romantic.
- Mm-hm.

- As long as you're down there...
- Yeah?

You wanna, maybe, seal the deal?

Do you think we have time?

- Hmm, yeah, there's time.
- [LAUGHS] Okay.

LILY: Mom, where's the paper
that you signed for... Oh!

Ow.

- Did she see us?
- She definitely saw us.

Oh sh*t.

You slammed the door into my head.

Oh, baby, I'm so sorry.

But I was, I was checking
your daddy's penis for cancer.

- What?!
- I didn't want to worry you.

And it's fine. It's, it's just a bump.

I, I didn't even break the skin.

Let's go get some ice.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Get you later. Coming!

Hope you're ready for some
heavy lifting today, Lily!

NEIGHBOR: It's your downstairs neighbor.

[SOFTLY]: sh*t.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hi, um, sor... I just... I,
I came to apologize for last night.

I mean, we lost total
track of time partying,

and being annoying, and
having a little too much fun,

so I'm sorry that we woke you.

Oh gosh, no. I wasn't asleep.
No, no. I stay up...

[SPUTTERS]

- I stay up really late, too, yeah.
- Yeah.

No, I only yelled because, um...

because I was, I was,
I was trying to write...

'cause I'm a writer.

- I write books.
- W-Wow, that's so cool.

- Thank you.
- I, I just wanted to say I'm so sorry.

- It won't happen again.
- Thank you.

- It's only because I write.
- Okay.

- Bye.
- Thank you.

[WHIMSICAL MUSIC]

[QUIETLY]: That!

Unbelievable...

- [CHARLOTTE SIGHS]
- All right.

- Now go.
- Sorry, I, I just didn't

feel comfortable blurting this out
in line at The Lobster Place.

Blurting what out?

So, tonight, during our dessert ritual,

I'm gonna ask Steve for a divorce.

Okay, I guess let's table my new
neighbor for a different time.

I mean, I, I have to.

I, I can't sneak around anymore.

- It's not fair to Che or to Steve.
- Or to you.

MIRANDA: Charlotte?

I guess you know what you're doing.

Oh... okay.

No, really. I'm not throwing shade.

Throwing shade?

It's what my kids say.

No, I mean it, Miranda.

It's your life... What do I know
about how you should handle it?

I cannot even handle
my own life right now.

- Is this to do with Rock?
- No, it's Lily.

She came into the bathroom this
morning when I was on my knees

about to blow Harry, and I freaked out.

Uh, back up. Back the truck up.

- You still blow Harry?
- Oh, is it his birthday?

No, and yes, I still blow Harry.

Now, do you guys have
that out of your system,

- so that I can talk about my problem?
- In a second.

- You still blow Harry?
- [GASPS] Is he dying or something?

No, but I panicked when Lily
saw me holding his penis.

Way to put me off my king crab leg.

- [LAUGHS]
- So, I told her...

that I was checking it for cancer.

You still blow Harry?

You guys, this is not funny to me.

I had this whole parenting philosophy

where I wanted to normalize sex,

so that my kids would
never feel weird about it

the way I did growing up.

And in one violent impulse,

- I ruined everything.
- What violent impulse?

Oh, I, I, I slammed the door
and I hit Lily in the head.

Did I, did I not say that?

Well, I did. All 'cause I didn't
want her to see me that way.

Just talk to Lily. You know, reframe it.

Maybe, admit...

that you panicked because of
the way you were brought up.

You know, it's an opportunity
to get closer to her.

Reframe it... Yeah.

Okay, I like it.

- Mm-hmm!
- Okay, I'll do it.

I can invite her to
lunch like two grown-ups.

- CARRIE: Yes.
- We can talk about it.

I mean, we talk about everything else.

Why shouldn't we be
able to talk about...

The fact that you still blow Harry.

I knew you had another one in you.

Oh, bummer. The soup
place we loved is gone.

No, the soup place we love
is here. We just passed it.

Oh, well, I remember that
used to be something else.

I remember when I was something else.

Oh look, it's me, the wicked
witch of my brownstone.

You know what?

I'm gonna bring my neighbors
some brownies to apologize.

- Apologize for what?
- For no longer being cool.

Okay, let's see...

Fat Witch Original, Fat Witch Walnut...

Oh, Blondie Witch. Writes itself.

Hey, do you maybe want to bring Steve

a fancy brownie for your
dessert ritual tonight?

You think a Caramel Witch brownie
might help the situation go better?

- Couldn't make it worse.
- How much is it?

You're exploding his world.
Spend a couple bucks.

I'm not exploding his world.

I'm telling him something
we both already know.

- Which is?
- That we're dead in the water.

That there's no future
for us as a couple,

that I want out.

I'll spring for the brownies.

So...

are you going to tell him about Che?

I don't think so.

I mean, even if Che hadn't come along,

I think I'd probably
have gotten to this place.

- And what place is that?
- Where I'd rather be alone.

Are you sure?

Because, um... alone in theory is...

very different than alone in reality.

I want Che.

And this is something
that I have to do...

or there's no Che.

Right. So...

do you know how much Che wants you?

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

- Yeah?
- Ooh, sorry, sorry.

- Um, I have something for, um...
- Lisette's still asleep.

Oh, okay. Well, would
you give this to her?

You could tell her it's
from her upstairs neighbor.

The writer. They're brownies.

- Well, actually, they're Blondies.
- Oh, we don't eat sugar.

Of course, you don't. I'm sorry. Sorry.

- You keep them.
- Oh, sh*t.

Sorry about that, ma'am.

MIRANDA: Hi.

Hi.

Bad timing. That Uber's
takin' me to the airport.

I have a gig in Cleveland.

Uh, okay. I just have a question.

Am I crazy? Am I making all this up?

Us... These, these
feelings I have for you,

these giant, giant feelings,

I, I feel like you have them, too,

but maybe you don't. So... am I crazy?

- No, you're not crazy.
- Okay, good.

- I'm in love with you.
- Oh, wow!

- Oh, okay then. O-Okay.
- No, it's not okay.

Not okay because of the
circumstance. Not okay for me.

No, I'm, I'm gonna
change the circumstance.

I am!

I love you, too. I am
so in love with you,

and I want us to be together.

Miranda, look at me.

Look at me. Listen to me.
Are you listening to me?

I can't give you anything traditional.

- That is not who I am.
- That's fine!

That is great!

I, I, I don't want traditional.

I, I, I hate traditional.

Traditional got me here.
I am done with traditional.

I just want you, and me, and you and me.

[LAUGHS] I'm gonna take care of it.

Go.

Go to Cleveland.

- Ah, thank you.
- Bon appétit.

Sweetheart, put your phone down.

- The food's here.
- You were on your phone, too.

Yes, we are all on our phones too much.

So, look, let's take our phones,

and put them in the center of the table,

so we can chat.

- Chat about what?
- Well...

I wanted to talk to you about
me and Daddy the other morning.

I need to get a straw for my iced tea.

We'll just have the waiter bring it.

No, Mom. I'm not gross.

But we're at a restaurant.
That's what they do.

[PHONE CHIMES]

[GASPS]

What is this?

- It's nothing.
- It's not nothing.

- Collin thinks it's "hawwwwt."
- Mom, that's my phone.

Where did this account even come from?

It's not your Insta!
I follow your Insta!

- Do you have a fake Instagram account?
- It's private.

- You can't just go digging in my phone.
- I wasn't digging!

It popped up here for the world to see.

- It's just workout wear.
- Sexy workout wear.

And what is this look in your eye?

And who is Collin , and is his age?

Forget it.

Wait... Lily,

where are you going?

We don't walk away from
each other in this family!

Oh, wow. I was never sure of this thing.

Not even when it was brand new.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- [CARRIE CHUCKLES]

Oh, it's your mom.

We had a fight. She
doesn't know I'm here.

I bet she does.

Your mom has pretty good Spidey-sense.

- Hello?
- [ON PHONE]: Hi, is Lily there?

Yes, she is.

Can I sleep over?
I don't want to go home.

Did she just say she
doesn't want to come home?

CARRIE: Yes, she did.

Hey, you know, Lily, I'm gonna
take this in the bathroom, okay?

And then, you have to hear my side.

- Okay.
- Did you get it?

Yes, and I can hear how
upset you are but, sweetie,

you went out to dinner
with me in the ' s

when I was wearing far less.

That was you, and this
is Lily, and she is .

- And who is that pose for?!
- Maybe for Lily.

You know, all week she's
been here trying clothes on,

and looking in the mirror,

and I can see her wheels spinning.

She's trying to figure something out.

You know, who, who am
I? Is this me? Is this?

Well, I am surprised
that she is this Lily.

I thought she was so innocent.

- It's workout wear.
- She doesn't even work out!

Charlotte, it's just clothes.

So, what should I tell
her about the sleepover?

Well, as long as you don't mind.

I think it would be good for both of us.

I think it could be
good for all three of us.

[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING]

That is not cool.

♪♪

[LOWERS VOLUME]

She's not a hooker, or Russian.

She's a Californian, a super-chic, hip,

successful jewelry designer.

Really? Is her stuff any good?

CARRIE: Cooler than you can imagine.

I think Scarlett Johansson

wore her on the red carpet last week.

Colin Jost is a real
estate tease. Just FYI.

Oh, and according to
a piece in "Vulture,"

she moved to New York for
its energy and inspiration.

- And to ruin your sleep.
- Mm... nah, she's fine.

I'm gonna make friends with
her and the whole situation.

I mean, who wants to be seen as the...

crazy neighbor, right?

- SEEMA: I hear you.
- Oh, hi.

Greetings.

Well, I will, um, speak to you...

later.

Hi, I thought I heard you come in.

Oh, okay. You're still mad at me.

[SIGHS] I just think we need to talk.

It's just a stupid Instagram account,

and I don't have anything else to say.

Well, I do. So, let's sit down.

Okay...

You want to sit there,
that's fine, fine.

[SIGHS] Look...

I love that you feel
comfortable in your body,

and I am not trying to shame you.

I was just... surprised

that you were expressing
that side of yourself already.

- I'm .
- Oh, I know, but...

when I was your age,

we didn't feel comfortable
expressing ourselves so freely,

so...

I just can't help feeling protective.

Mom, that Insta...

it's only of my friends,

and Emily's little brother Collin.

Oh... that does help a little.

[SIGHS] So...

what I wanted to discuss with
you the other day at lunch,

though now, I realize I
probably don't need to...

is...

what was happening with Daddy
and me in, in the bathroom.

You know what we were doing, right?

Do you have anything that you
wanna ask me? A-Any questions?

Did you find any cancer?

No... No, baby.

Oh, your father is fine!

Hey.

Do you have your hearing aids in?

One of them.

Well... can you get the other?

I want to talk to you about something.

Just talk into this one.

I'd rather not have to yell it.

Okay... I think it's
in the couch cushions.

[ANNOUNCERS ON TV CONTINUE]

- [TURNS TV OFF]
- Ah! Here it is.

Okay.

Okay.

Ah... sh**t. What do you got?

- Steve, I love you.
- Well, this ain't good.

It depends on how we handle it.

Oh, wait... you're serious?

I, I, I was just kidding. I...

- Give me your hands.
- Nah...

- We never hold hands.
- Please.

Why?

You wanna ask me for
a divorce or somethin'?

I'm not happy.

Holy sh*t, uh, I was just
kidding again. Are you serious?

I, I can't do this
anymore. I'm not happy.

What...? Okay, so what does that mean?

You're not happy?

This isn't enough for me.

- What isn't? Me? I'm not enough?
- This is about me.

Except that you're, you're,
you're talkin' about divorcin' me.

Can, can I have my hand back, please?

- Are you happy?
- I thought this wasn't about me.

- Are you happy?
- What's happy?

If you even have to ask the question.

Okay, yes, I'm happy. Not
happy right now, but...

what's the problem?

I want more.

- More what?
- More everything...

more connection, more energy,

more sex, more me.

More, Steve, more.

- I get it. You want more.
- And what about you?

Do you want more?

I mean, really? This is enough for you?

This, like... TV, and, and,
and little dessert bowls,

and sitting on this f*cking
sectional couch until we're old?

We are old.

We're , Steve. That's not old.

You want more years of this?

Is this really happening? Really?

Are you askin' me for a divorce?

This is really happening, really.

Miranda.

What?

You and me, we've been
together for a long time,

and-and it's always like this.

You... don't think that I'm enough,

then I'm kind of enough,

and then, I'm not enough again.

And I'm always there...

you know...

hangin' in there for us.

And, finally,

in the last couple years,
we come to a place where

it's not so g*dd*mn f*ckin'
up and down every day...

where it's kind of the same.

We get up...

and we go through our sh*t,
and we come back here...

home, to each other.

We sit on the couch.

We talk about Brady,

eat ice cream, and watch some TV.

That's married life, Miranda. It's life.

I don't know if that's life.

Or the life that I want anymore, or...

or even ever.

Well...

I guess...

this is about you, 'cause...

I'm f-fine with this life.

In fact, I'm, I'm, I'm
good with it, but...

if you're not...

you're not.

I'm too old to rally for us again.

I, I don't want to.

And I don't, I don't want you to.

Okay.

Whatever... whatever.

I want you to be happy.

But...

I don't know what else
you think is out there.

I've met someone.

- [PHONE RINGING]
- Yello.

I told him.

Really? How'd it go?

I said it all.

All of my feelings. And
I, I didn't blame him,

and I didn't make him feel
bad, and I, well, I, I said it.

It's done. I even told him about Che.

Wow. How'd he take it?

You know, he's, he's pretty shocked,

but I guess the headline is

he said he wants me to be happy.

Oh my God. You can't believe
how relieved I am, Carrie.

I-I'm in a cab on my way to the airport.

Wait, what? Where are you going?

To Cleveland!

I'm gonna surprise Che at their show,

and tell them that we can be together.

[SIGHS]

Oh my God. I'm in a rom-com, Carrie.

Okay, well, safe flight...

whoever this is.

[LISETTE SHOUTING]

C'mon, get dressed
faster. Get the f*ck out!

- SHANE: Chill out.
- LISETTE: You chill out.

- Get the f*ck out of my apartment!
- I'm goin'.

- Don't be such a psycho.
- I am not a psycho!

You're a liar! You've slept
with every girl in the city.

- Oh, you're exaggerating.
- Oh, okay, well, you've slept

with every girl that I know in the city.

- Don't be such a f*ckin' out-of-towner.
- Get out.

Get out now before I call the cops.

Good luck. They don't come anymore.

[DOOR SHUTS]

[DOOR OPENS]

I am so embarrassed.

I'm mortified that you
had to see me like this.

Oh, it's fine. Are you okay?

I'm an assh*le for ever
going out with that guy.

Well, what are you gonna
do? It's New York dating.

Yeah.

Thank you.

You're cool. [CHUCKLES]

[LIGHT MUSIC PLAYING]

And just like that, I realized...

there are some things that
should never be put into storage.