09x12 - The Kissing Bandits

[bunniefuu]

ADULT ADAM: Back in the ' s,
nothing warmed your heart

on a cold day like winter sports.

And each snowy season,

my family would take to the slopes...

and by slopes, I mean our lumpy couch

where we'd watch 'em on TV.

Who was the first guy
who thought bobsledding

was a good idea?

"Let's get in this tube

and fall down a mountain
with three other dopes."

Tightly packed in a cocoon of my schmoos

huddled together for warmth.

Ooh, I call center bob!

I'm all about speed skating.

Actually, I do a little at home.

After Geoff waxes our floors,

I speed skate to the fridge in my socks.

Seeing my love barrel
into our Frigidaire for some OJ

makes all that back-breaking
waxing worth it.

WOMAN ON TV: Stay tuned for opening day

of the ice dancing competition.

Only on ABC!

I need to, uh, go do
some laundry downstairs...

where I do laundry...

downstairs.

Okay, well, set it to
the "nobody cares" cycle.

I too need to abruptly leave.

Just randomly going our separate ways.

A commonplace everyday exit

none of you should examine further.

None of them suspect a thing.

- I'm tingling in anticipation!
- Positions!

ADULT ADAM: Yep, they were obsessed with

British ice dancing superstars
Torvill and Dean.

Such a harrowing and dangerous sport.

They're basically spinning around

with -inch butcher knives
on their feet!

Barry, look at me.

You don't have to pretend
the danger is why you love this.

Be open and free with Mama.

Dammit, you're right.

It's the grace, the elegance.

The way the light
shines off their costumes

as they're spinning around
like human disco balls.

I know.

I just don't think
my friends or our family

would understand my appreciation
for "the gorgeous game."

Oh, for sure.

And they'll forever judge you
if they find out.

But don't worry.

Mama will take your secret to the grave,

in our double coffin, where our
skeletons will hold hands.

No. Double coffin?
What if we don't die together?

Oh, we will.

You know, I have always
wished that you and I

could take to the ice together.

You know, the very first ever
mother-son ice dancing duo.

Like Torvill and Dean?

But Goldberg and Goldberg!

I love that you feel
comfortable telling me this,

but that will never, never,
never, never, never, never...

Catch Mama in a classic Lutz!

No, not ready!

♪ I'm twisted up inside ♪

♪ But nonetheless,
I feel the need to say ♪

♪ I don't know the future ♪

♪ But the past keeps getting
clearer every day ♪

It was January th, -something,

and I'd just gotten back from
an epic college orientation.

There he is. How was the big weekend?

I loved every moment!

And I'm basically already an NYU legend.

That sounds way wrong,
but spare no detail.

Let's just say I had quite
a few tiny servings of Jell-o,

which at first I thought
was the after-school treat

we all love, but guess what?

- There was alcohol in it?
- So you're aware!

There I was mowing down
all the yummiest flavors.

Grape, lime, wild cherry.

The whole time, I'm thinking
I had a sweet tooth,

but turns out... I'm a wild man!

I sipped my aunt's
Long Island iced tea once,

so... been there.

Best part was, it was packed with

so many bright-eyed
incoming film students,

it was like a roomful of me's.

That doesn't sound exhausting.

They kept passing around my camera,

everyone filming with their own flair,

their own panache,
their own joie de vivre.

What fun new words!

And not at all an obnoxious peek

at what freshman you will be like.

I've got the footage right here.

Let's see the Jell-o Fellow in action!

Ha! The Ed Grimley dance!
Timely and timeless!

"I fart in your general direction!"

My "Holy Grail" material k*lled.

NYU, NYU, NYU...

ADULT ADAM: And then we
saw something that would alter

the course of my life as I knew it.

- ALL: Aah!
- Oh, balls!

I don't remember this!

That's definitely you kissing a girl

that isn't your girlfriend.

That can't be right.
Maybe it's for a scene?

That just happened!
And it wasn't for a scene!

What am I gonna do?!
This'll ruin everything!

It's clear what
the right thing to do is.

- You have to tell Brea.
- Nothing! You tell Brea nothing.

- Wait, what?
- You said it yourself, Adam.

You don't even remember this.

I really don't.

If this tape didn't exist,

none of us would even know about this.

If it were the s
instead of the s,

you'd just be back at
the homestead clearing brush.

The tape does exist,
and at no point in history

would Adam ever be clearing anything.

Sweet angel of deceit!

Now Brea doesn't get hurt,
you don't hurt. No hurt.

- So much hurt!
- You've convinced me.

What other choice do I have?

A very obvious other choice!

And so, I followed
my wise older sister's advice

and acted like nothing had happened,

which was harder than I thought.

MR. WOODBURN:
Today we will be discussing

"The Tell-Tale Heart,"

the story of a man
whose guilt over a lie

leads to his insanity.

- Ah, no.
- You okay?

Yeah, what are you, some kind of liar

who keeps hearing a b*ating heart?

What? No!

Just some "Tell-Tale Heart" humor.

I thought you read the story,
or were you lying?

- Bum-bum, bum-bum, bum-bum.
- [Laughter]

FYI... I've had three heart att*cks,

so if you see me clutch my chest
again, you call a nurse.

Even at home, my deception haunted me.

Hoo-hoo! Even with a wonky eye,

Columbo can spot a liar a mile away.

Maybe the m*rder*r is lying
to protect someone's feelings.

I was talking to the TV.
Please don't interrupt us.

[Doorbell rings]

Hey! Off to my weekend at Brown.
I'm gonna miss you.

Please have so much fun

that you don't even think about me.

Wow. That's surprisingly mature of you.

Yep, I'm super mature.
I'm basically an old man.

I'm George Burns over here.

"Oh, God!", "Oh, God! Book II,"
"Oh, God! You Devil."

All the vaguely comedic greats.

Odd tangent, but honestly,

I'm too excited about
my trip to question it.

Funny you should mention honesty
because I'm a big fan.

Okay. See ya Monday.

I know you did it.

I did! I'm guilty!

I'm so, so guilty!

You kicked the plug out
of the wall, you moron.

Oh. That?

Yes. I'm sorry you had to stand.

Do better.

While I lived in fear
that my lie would get out,

Joanne was about to discover that Barry

had a secret of his own.

Hey, babe, can you grab me a...

Another Hostess Pudding Pie?

I know what my guy likes.

- But maybe she didn't.
- Hmm.

'Cause in that moment,
something caught Joanne's eye.

Intriguing.

Something scandalous.

That's curious.

Something so shameful that if uncovered,

it would ruin him.

Barry, are you super into those British

ice dancing sensations,
Torvill and Dean?

Of course not. I only like manly things.

"T & D" is for trucks and dogs.

Testosterone and donuts.

Tom and Doug. You know, boys' names.

So she tried a different tactic.

Phew, well, that's a relief,

because Torvill and Dean
are overrated garbage.

You shut your gorgeous, filthy mouth.

They're ice dancing gods.

I knew it. You love them!

Dammit! It's true.

And I understand that you have
to pack up and leave me.

I will forever miss your face,
hair, and bottom.

You think I would break up
with you over this?

But it's the opposite of the me that

you and the world have
fallen in love with.

You should be proud of all sides
of your hot, bonkers self.

- Really?
- Really.

Okay then.

- I love ice dancing.
- You don't need to mumble it.

Say it loud, say it proud.

I love ice dancing.

More. Make it uncomfortable.

- I love ice dancing!
- There you go!

Oh, my God.

- Yeah.
- That feels so good!

- Joanne.
- Hmm?

You lifted a great weight from
my super-jacked shoulders.

I love ice dancing!

While Joanne helped Barry
live his truth,

I was still living with
the weight of my own lie.

Until this.

- I kissed someone at Brown!
- Oh, my God!

We were doing karaoke,
and... and I got caught up

in the moment and...

and the song ended, and he kissed me.

Sweet! I did the exact
same thing last week at NYU.

- Wait, what?
- This is perfect.

I did some smooching,
you did some smooching.

We're even-stevens.

- You're happy about this?
- Totally!

Now we can both wipe
our dubious slates clean.

Ooh, boy, what a relief.

Hold on. You kissed
someone over a week ago

and you were never gonna tell me?

I just did.

Only because I told you
I kissed someone.

Exactly. We're both awful, baby.

Forgive. Forget. Even-stevens.

I felt horrible,
and I told you immediately.

And you were just gonna
keep this from me forever?

Not forever. Just TBD.

I have to think about this.

What's to think about?! Even-stevens.

As I got iced out by Brea,

the Winter Games were
in full swing at home.

- [Siren blares]
- Aw, come on, USA!

Canada's flag is a leaf!

That's the weakest
living thing on the planet.

Sure, I pressed a few into
my memory journal

last autumn after
a lovely drive up to Vermont,

but we should be raking these guys up.

Do better, America!

Technically, Canada is America.

The best part of America.

Hoo, go, Canucks!

Since when are you from Canada?

Since the first moment I met you,

and subsequently the millions of
times I've reminded you.

Doesn't ring a bell,

but someone's a little proud
for nothing.

We are literally b*ating your team.

Well, my bladder has won out
over my laziness.

I'm gonna go undo what
the iced tea did to me.

You're early.

Well, I guess you're
here to watch hockey

with the fellas, huh?

Meet me downstairs in an hour,

and we'll have some ice dance snuggles.

No need to whisper, Mother.

I come bearing Pizza Hut pizza
as a side dish

to an equally tasty
and satisfying announcement.

Hot damn! You know how
to enter a room, son.

I'll take two slices, please,

plus whatever nonsense this is gonna be.

As you indulge,
know that I, Barry Goldberg,

the epitome of all that is manly,

love the graceful sport of ice dance.

So we get a pepperoni pie

just for you to say the thing you like?

When Dolores' cousin
made "an announcement,"

there was confusion and tears,
and then a happy acceptance

where we all moved him up
to Greenwich Village.

He now works at a bar called Fellas.

Great cocktails, fun clientele.

You're not enraged at my
betrayal of all that is macho?

Why would you ever keep

your love for ice dancing a secret?

In fact, many moons ago,
I was a competitive ice dancer.

More secrets revealed.

I've talked about this many times.

You're a friend of a friend.

How much am I really expected to invest?

I was one-half of
the Torvill and Dean of Canada.

Tremblay and Brown.

Now... rest in peace, Tremblay.

You skate with the angels now.

While I've enjoyed keeping our secret,

it'll be nice not to have to watch

from the shadows anymore.

And I owe it all to Joanne.

She is the wind beneath
my ice dancing wings.

Moving past that controversial comment,

no, we're gonna watch up here
tonight instead of

in the basement hot tub,
where we pretend

we're just "having a normal
mother-son soak."

Correction... Joanne will
share in our passion

from here on out.

I can't wait to tell her. [Sighs]

Bye!

What the [bleep] just happened?

After coming clean about
his love of ice dancing,

my brother was free to enjoy
his favorite sport

with his favorite girl... and our mom.

Hot stuff coming through,
and also cocoa.

See, I'm playful and not at all
super miffed and confused.

Yep, someone had gotten
between their secret

mother-son winter sport!

All right!

Ooh! Thanks for
the hot chocolate, Mrs. G.

My pleasure, and don't
feel bad that you showed up

empty-handed
like a rude, intrusive guest

who doesn't know her place.

Shh. They're taking the ice.

Wait, is the guy Torvill
or the lady Torvill?

Um, hellooo, Torvill is the blonde fox

in the glittering skirt.

And Dean is the blonde stud
in the sequined tuxedo.

[Laughs] I'm so embarrassed for you.

You're just learning.

Ooh, I love how their outfits
sparkle when they twirl.

I think you mean "twizzle." [Laughs]

Did you hear that, Barry?

She said "twirl" when
she meant "twizzle."

Is that not what it is?

Oh, Joanne, you quirky rube
who knows nothing

and makes this experience so much worse.

It's fine. I didn't learn
the terms the first time either.

So is figure skating always duos?

Is there ever something
crazy like a trio?

It is always two.

Three is garbage

in almost every situation
in life, Joanne.

I'm remembering I have
a lot of homework.

Aw, no, no, come on,

we haven't even gotten to
the judges' results yet.

Seems like maybe it should just
be between the two of you.

Her words, not mine. But also my words.

- [Door closes]
- Mom!

What's wrong with you?

What's wrong with your
girlfriend who doesn't know

a leap from a Lutz?

That's what this is?
You're jealous of Joanne?

I thought ice dancing was our thing.

But I guess you don't see it that way.

Fine. Go.

But just like when Dean frosted
his hair right before

Innsbrook in ' ,
you surprised me tonight, Mom.

While Barry and my mom
had it out, I was desperate

to find a way to get back
in with my girlfriend.

Thank you for coming here to brainstorm

how to undo the damage
I've done with Brea.

So far, my only idea is
"build a time machine."

I once built a soapbox car for a derby.

But my dad did most of the work.

We came in eleventh.

Great, Geoff, quick question...
if you were me,

how would you sum up that
nonsense for the chalkboard?

Sorry, but this never
would have happened

if you would have just
listened to my advice

and come clean right away.

Please, none of this would
have happened if you'd stuck

with my advice and never said anything.

- That's insane!
- Is it?

He could have kept his secret forever

and then had power over Brea
because of her indiscretion.

- Are you the devil?
- That was one Halloween, and PS, buddy,

you liked that costume a lot.

I'm sorry, can I just ask,

do you go around
hiding smooches from me?

Of course not.

'Cause it feels like maybe I'm engaged

to Morganna the Kissing Bandit.

Morganna the Kissing Bandit?

She's this delightful,
top-heavy woman who goes around

from ballpark to ballpark
stealing kisses

from unsuspecting
Major League ballplayers.

Funny that Morganna
was so top of mind for you.

I know that you're hot
for Morganna, Geoff,

and it really hurts me.

I'm so sorry. She means nothing to me,

and oh, my God, are you manipulating me
to get the upper hand?

You see what I did there, Adam?

These are the kinds
of tools that you need

to keep in your relationship toolbelt.

Please don't listen
to my wayward fiancée.

What you need to do is
throw yourself at Brea's feet

and tell her the kiss meant nothing.

I would love that, but I kinda
have a credibility issue.

She won't believe anything I say.

But there might be someone
she would believe.

Do you think he's going to
track down Morganna?

- Would you like him to?
- No!

Yes! Maybe!

Her proportions are ridiculous,

but I'm intrigued by her eager spirit.

As I was determined to repair my wrong,

Barry wasn't feeling quite right.

- Is everything okay?
- That's what I'm wondering.

Have Torvill and Dean lost their magic?

The hairs on my arms are laying flat.

I meant with you.

You have that look
on your face like when

they get your order wrong
at Burger Chef.

What's so hard about light
lettuce, twelve pickles,

three onion slices, double cheese,

two top buns and ketchup-mustard
at a one to seven ratio?

You like what you like.

- And I'm not liking this.
- Hmm.

Are their costumes
less shimmery than normal?

I'm no psychologist,
but I think you miss

watching ice dancing with your mom.

Gross. No.

And I'm furious at her
for the way she treated you

- the other night.
- It's okay.

She clearly was missing
her special time with you,

and honestly, I kinda get it.

- You do?
- Yeah.

You two have been sharing
this one thing together

every four years ever since you
were just a jacked little boy.

I guess watching Torvill and Dean

is the only thing my mom and I
do just the two of us.

Oh, I messed this up.

So go make things right.

I know exactly what to do.

- Just go watch with her?
- Not enough.

My plan has to be
beautiful and intricate,

like a Torvill and Dean twizzle.

I am the clay, you are the sculptor.

Mold me with your
gentle giant sculptor hands.

It would be an honor.

To be clear, you are asking me
to teach you to ice dance?

- Yes.
- Let's not waste another minute.

But there's no ice.
And where are my skates?

You have to earn your skates.

A five, six, seven, eight.

And so, Vic taught my brother
how to dance on the ice.

Yes, Barry.

In the headboard and nightstand
section of a furniture store.

They cha-cha-ed...

they spun...

they even did whatever this is.

Barry, you are ready.

While Vic was teaching Barry
all of his tricks,

I was desperately hoping
to skate by with Brea.

I'm not ready to see you yet.

I get it. I seem like
a scoundrel and a liar,

and as much as I want
to convince you that I didn't

even know the kiss happened...
which I didn't...

I can't expect you
to take my word for it.

Brea, meet Allison Horowitz,
the girl I kissed at NYU.

Oh! You brought the girl
you kissed to my house?

- Sup?
- Allison is here to

explain how meaningless the kiss was.

Allison, you have the floor.

Yeah, it felt like nothing.

Thank you, Allison.

Like, either he wasn't into it,

or he's just a really bad kisser.

- Wasn't into it.
- Just lifeless and sloppy.

Okay, we get the gist.

And don't worry, I have
no feelings for him.

I barely even remembered
the kiss, and as soon as I did,

I called my boyfriend
and told him the whole thing.

So you told your boyfriend right away?

Of course. I'm not psycho.

I thought I vetted you in the car!

Adam waited a week to tell me,
and only because of

something he kept calling
"even-stevens."

It's a common expression.

You waited a week? That's not cool.

- I know, right?
- Like, why would you wait?

Did the kiss mean more to you
than it did to me?

- Oh, oh!
- I thought the same thing.

No!

And you're kind of losing
the thread, Allison.

Well, this has been fun.

Maybe next time you can bring that weird

Princess Leia doll
you keep by your bedside.

She's boxed for posterity.
There's nothing going on there.

Ooh!

My jacket is caught in the door.

Bye.

Barry had learned a few tricks
from an old pro

and was ready to give our mom
the gift of a lifetime.

This isn't "Disney on Ice."

It's not.

And maybe an abandoned parking lot

should have clued you in
a little earlier.

Joanne, now is not the time

for a poorly planned kidnapping attempt

because you're jealous
of my eternal youth.

The blonde is in the building!

Barry, what's this?

Your favorite child
performing on frozen water

- for your delight.
- If I'm dreaming, don't wake me.

I didn't know why I was here,
but now I'm very invested.

And now the student becomes
the slightly better student.

With that, Barry took to the ice.

- [Grunts]
- And despite his best efforts...

Charley horse! Charley horse!

[Grunts]

- [Groaning]
- ...he still sucked.

I can't help but think
I'm partially to blame for

filling a young man's head
with encouragement.

Barry, are you okay?

No! I'm an idiot.

This was supposed to be my big apology

for not appreciating our time together.

I'm the one who should apologize.

I wasn't very nice to Joanne
the other night.

You must think I'm crazy.

Hey, we're all a little crazy
when it comes to loving Barry.

So much for your gift
of my twirling body.

I think I know what the problem is.

You didn't have the right partner.

Wait. Why are you wearing that?

I've been wearing it since
the opening ceremonies.

Is this the world debut
of Goldberg and Goldberg?

You better believe it.

Let me just put on my skates.

- So you're dating that man?
- He's my one and only.

And there he goes,
intertwined with his mom.

♪

They really were.

That day, my mom and Barry became one.

♪

Somehow they moved
with grace and elegance.

♪

They also threw this move in.

Yep, it was a mother-son miracle on ice.

♪

So beautiful.

♪

Are you seeing this, Tremblay?

Are you seeing this?

As my mom and Barry united

to become the first ever
family ice dancing duo,

I was making one last attempt

to keep Brea and me from falling apart.

You really don't quit, do you?

Not when it comes to you.

Please just hear me out.

No tricks this time, just the truth.

[Sighs] Adam, there's nothing to say.

There is.

Brea, I swear on my life,
I didn't even know

I kissed that girl
until I saw it on video.

It meant nothing,
and I should have told you

as soon as I found out.

The fact that I didn't is one of
the great regrets of my life.

I get it. We both made mistakes.

You weren't wrong about that.

It's just...

The thing is I don't know...

I don't know if I want
to keep doing this.

Doing what?

This thing where I'm nervous
all the time about

what next year's gonna be like.

I'm sure it's gonna be hard at times,

but we'll make it work.

Really?

I mean, we couldn't even
survive two weekends away.

What... What's a full year
gonna be like?

What's four years gonna be like?

Okay.

I'll be the one to say it.

Whatever it is, please don't.

We need to break up.

I just said not to say it.

Just don't make this any harder
than it already is, okay?

Goodbye, Adam.

♪ Since you took your love away ♪

That's the thing about growing up.

You make a lot of mistakes.

Sometimes the lessons you learn

lead to something unexpected and joyous.

♪ 'Cause nothing compares ♪

- ♪ Nothing compares to you ♪
- Other times,

they just hurt a lot.

ERICA: Well, I guess you were right.

He should have followed your advice.

- ♪ It's been so lonely without you here ♪
- Maybe.

But I gotta ask.

There aren't actually any, you know,

secrets you've been keeping
from me, are there?

Geoff, never.

I just love my little brother.

He's a great kid
who had too much Jell-o.

- ♪ Nothing compares ♪
- I just couldn't stand the thought of him

getting hurt because of a dumb mistake.

Because you want him to have
what we have someday?

More than anything.

But in the end...

- ♪ Nothing compares ♪
- ...even life's harshest lessons

are made a little easier
when you're surrounded...

by the people you love.

♪ Nothing compares to you ♪

Babe, can you grab me...

A mini box of golden raisins?

I know what my guy likes.

Or do I?

♪

Something you want to tell me?

I like what I like, okay?

You or me?

♪