05x12 - A Pink Cadillac and a Glorious Tribal Dance

[bunniefuu]

ADULT SHELDON: There were
certain status symbols in Texas

that indicated you were a success.

A rodeo champion belt buckle...

Or as I call it, the
Redneck Nobel Prize.

Custom-built ostrich skin boots.

One less giant running bird in the world

is fine by this cowpoke.

And possibly the
ultimate status symbol...

The pink Cadillac,

driven by an elite
Mary Kay super seller.

♪

MARY: Mr. Lundy?

Mary Cooper.

What a delightful surprise.

I can't help but notice
what you're driving.

[chuckles] This old thing?

I was actually gonna trade it in.

Are you selling Mary Kay?

With my theater background,

I just had a knack for cosmetology.

You must sell a lot.

Guilty.

But, these days, I-I manage
my own handpicked team.

Well, I'm happy for you.

- Aw, aren't you a dear? [chuckling]
- [chuckling]

H... Um, hey, do you...

ever do sales?

Me? No.

Really?

An attractive young woman like yourself?

Oh, I don't know about that.

Well, here.

Here is my card, in case
you ever want to talk.

- Maybe one day you'll be driving one of these.
- Mm.

Instead of one of those.

♪ Nobody else is stronger than I am ♪

♪ Yesterday I moved a mountain ♪

♪ I bet I could be your hero ♪

♪ I am a mighty little man ♪

So, spring break is
just around the corner.

I'm counting the days.

Me, too. Have you reserved the lab yet?

Why would I do that?

Without the distraction of classes,

you and I can really buckle down

and get some work done.

I won't be here, Sheldon.

It's my break, too.

Where are you going?

I'm not telling you
where I'm going, Sheldon.

Why not?

Because I'll be happy,

and I want to stay that way.

You're in college.

You should be taking
spring break as well.

And do what?

Traditionally, you would congregate

with your peers and make bad decisions.

But I'm a kid.

Then perhaps a game

of Duck, Duck, Goose.

Sarcasm?

No.

Geez, you really do need a break.

ADULT SHELDON: While
researching how to spend

my first collegiate spring break,

my sister led me to a documentary

- on the subject.
- [cheering]

Are they screaming for help?

No. They're having fun.

Are we watching the same show?

They were stuck in school all year.

Now they're going wild.

Clearly. I don't see a single lifeguard.

You don't have to go to the beach.

Just do something besides school.

There is science that
suggests taking breaks

refreshes the mind and
boosts brain function.

Good. Because the minute I'm old enough,

that's gonna be me out there.

You better learn to swim,
because no one there's

gonna help you.

[laughter and cheering]

[crickets chirping]

Guess who I ran into
at the grocery store.

Mr. Lundy.

Ugh, the weird theater guy?

He's not weird.

He's also a teacher,

realtor, choreographer,

ooh, and local celebrity.

He's actually not doing that stuff now.

He is selling makeup.

He's even got one of
those pink Cadillacs.

Driving a pink car in Texas.

Bold choice.

You got to sell a lot
to earn one of those.

He must be good.

It sure seemed like it.

He's managing a whole
team of salespeople.

Nice.

He gave me his card.

I was thinking about calling him.

Don't you have enough makeup?

I don't.

I'm not buying it.

I'm thinking about selling it.

You?

Yes, me.

Wouldn't hurt to have extra money.

But you already have two
jobs... church and mom.

Well, that second one doesn't pay much.

I do your taxes. The
first one doesn't either.

- Even more reason to call him.
- Mm.

Sales is a tough racket, Mare.

Yeah. It ain't as
easy as I make it look.

Well, I think I'd be good at it.

You sure? Sometimes you
got to do a little fibbin'.

I would do it without that.

And you got to have people skills.

I have people skills.

Do you?

I'd like to throw my dinner roll

at your head right now,

but you don't see me doing it.

I believe in you, Mom.

Thank you, honey.

But you're not getting free makeup.

[sighs] Dang it.

ADULT SHELDON: My sister
suggested I "go wild,"

so I decided to heed her advice

and do the craziest
thing I could think of...

Take a walk outside.

I couldn't believe my eyes.

A whole convention
dedicated to comic books,

science fiction and fantasy.

NATHAN: Pretty cool, huh?

Oh, hello, Nathan.

You going?

I'd like to. Are you?

- Yeah. I quit my job for the time off.
- Wow.

- Well, my job search.
- Hmm.

You know, it hasn't been
announced yet, but I hear

there's a special guest
appearance by David Gerrold.

He wrote the Star Trekepisode
"Trouble with Tribbles."

Uh, no doy.

I just found my spring break.

I'm not really looking for a job.

I don't know why I lied.

MARY: Thank you so much

for finding the time.

Oh, please. Always happy

to welcome a new sales
associate to the family. [laughs]

Well, um, I don't
normally wear much makeup,

so I'm a little out of my depth.

Which brings us to lesson number one.

In sales, confidence is key.

- Oh.
- Are you confident?

- No.
- I knew the answer to that,

but that's gonna be our little secret,

because just like this
full-coverage concealer

for all skin types, we're gonna
cover that right on up. [laughs]

- I'm all for that.
- Now before we go further,

I am gonna have to ask for a check

for your sample kit and
your start-up accessories.

Oh. I was under the impression

that I would take orders,

and the customers
would pay for it later,

like, um, Girl Scout cookies.

I'm sorry. Do you see
Thin Mints in this case?

- No.
- This is a serious business.

If you are not serious,

maybe you are not ready to join my team.

Oh, I... I am serious.

It's just that my husband
isn't totally on board,

and he'll be upset if I
spend a bunch of money.

Oh, well, that's fair.

If you have to ask his
permission, I can come back.

It's refreshing really.

It reminds me of a simpler time

when men made the decisions
and women made the beds.

I'm gonna get my checkbook.

Now there is a take-charge
makeup salesperson. [chuckles]

I am the organ grinder,
and the world is my monkey.

All righty then.

- Show me what you got.
- What do you mean?

Your sales technique. Let's go. Come on.

I'm an Eskimo. Sell me some ice.

Really? Right now?

If you can't sell to me,
and I'm already Team Mary,

how are you gonna sell to a stranger?

Okay. Um...

Hi.

- Let me stop you right there.
- What did I do wrong?

[sighs] It's your face.

What's wrong with my face?

It's your number one sales tool.

Y-You should be advertising the product,

and you're not wearing any.

- Yes, I am.
- Where?

I think the best makeup is
the kind that no one notices.

Right now, you're what no one notices.

This is your billboard,
and I'm... [sputters]

...driving right on by.

I suppose I could put on a little more.

Attagirl! They've
already seen the before.

Let's show 'em the after. Here.

Try this.

That's awfully red.

Exactly. And when you see
red, what comes to your mind?

- Satan.
- Glamour.

Sex appeal, a little va-va-voom!

I don't know.

You are not just selling makeup.

You are selling power,

you are selling confidence,
and that starts right here.

Now are you a powerful, confident woman?

Yes.

Slather this on. Let's try again.

Mm-hmm.

Somebody call highway patrol.

This billboard is causing accidents.

- Really?
- You had the va,

then you got another
va, now you got the voom.

Sell me some makeup.

Hello there.

- Now I'm listening.
- Oh.

Mom, I know what I want to do

for spring break.

What happened to your face?

Told you, people take notice.

This is for my new job.

Is your new job fighting Batman?

Because you look like The Joker.

What do you want?

Can I take a four-and-a-half-hour bus ride

to Texarkana for a
comic book convention?

By yourself? Absolutely not.

- Can you come with me?
- No.

Son, your mother has makeup to sell.

If I get an adult to go with me, can I?

I don't know. Maybe.

Ha, ha. No.

But people wear makeup
to comic book conventions.

You could sell it there.

- Ah, I see. No.
- But...

Read my moisturized lips. No.

♪ No-no, no, no, no, no, no-no, no... ♪

Would you like to go with me
to a comic book convention?

Will there be girls there?

♪ No-no, no, no, no-no, no, no ♪

♪ No, no-no...

And if you order right now,

I'll throw in some extra
concealer for half off.

I mean, this is just allergies.

Does it look like I've been crying?

No! No.

And the best news is

it's only a four-and-a-half-hour
bus ride away.

So you want me to
ride on a bus for hours

with a bunch of kids to
a comic book convention?

It's mostly adults.

Many are in costumes.

No.

Oh.

You look fantastic.

Ready to buy?

No,

but I'm ready to hit the dog track.

And since we're both on spring break,

I thought you might like to go with me.

Sheldon, I am the
president of the university.

You're right. I
should've asked you first.

So is that a "yes"?

No!

Sorry.

No.

- And what do you want?
- For you to go

on a bus with me to a comic
book convention in Texarkana.

[laughing]: God, no.

I don't know.

Trust me, the men are
gonna be lining up.

Well, they haven't been so far,

and I've been basically giving it away.

That's your business really.

But, hey, I am not just selling makeup.

I am selling confidence.

- You are?
- I sure am.

Now, are you a strong
and confident woman?

Not remotely.

Well, do you want to be?

I guess.

Here. Why don't you put this on,

and we will try again?

Oh.

Now, are you a strong, confident woman?

- Sure.
- Come on. Say it like you mean it.

Are you strong and confident?

- Yes.
- One more time.

Yes.

So I can put you down for a starter kit?

Fine.

Well, all right!

Whoo!

You never forget your first sale.

I know. I am still tingling.

I love that feeling.

I don't even drink coffee anymore.

- I just go on tingle power. [laughs]
- [laughs]

And she didn't just get the starter kit.

She got the mud mask,
she got the exfoliator.

I had a feeling about you, Mary.

It's just a matter of time
before you're behind the wheel

of your own pink Cadillac,
and take it from me,

you will be stared at. I am.

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm.

So, where do I go from here?

I've kind of talked to everybody I know.

Mm. Well, new faces are the
lifeblood of our business.

How do I find new faces?

Don't you run a Bible study?

Uh, I don't know that I'd be comfortable

trying to make sales
in a religious setting.

Mary, if God didn't want
people to wear makeup,

he'd have made 'em less ugly.

- Well, that's one way to look at it.
- Mm-hmm.

And you have a daughter, right?

Well, she's not even a teenager yet.

This is when it starts.

Would you rather her
borrowing makeup from friends,

passing it back and forth?

- She has stolen it from my bag.
- See?

Forget about a pink Caddy.
Now we're talking pink eye.

Which, if she does catch it,

a little waterproof
eyeliner, you'd never know.

ANNOUNCER: Attention, science
fiction and comic book fans,

this Friday, Saturday
and Sunday in Ballroom B

of the Texarkana Holiday
Inn, it's Texarkana-Con!

That's right, Texarkana...

Khan!

Celebrity appearances,
panel discussions,

autograph alley, only at Texarkana...

Khan!

Raffles, prizes, costume parade,

Friday through Sunday at Texarkana...

Khan!

ANNOUNCER: William Shatner not appearing.

William Shatner may not be appearing,

but Sheldon Cooper is.

ADULT SHELDON: I was
normally a rule follower,

but one of the rules

of spring break is to
cut loose and break rules.

I'm heading out.

Where you going?

To see my comic book friends.

Hmm. I'm leaving in a
few. You want a ride?

No, I'm taking my bike.

ADULT SHELDON: All the
way to the bus station.

Something funny?

Not funny. Just normal.

ADULT SHELDON: Smooth.

Bye.

ADULT SHELDON: So smooth.

[metallic trilling]

Hey, you made it.

It would have been illogical not to.

[deep voice]: Well, you're
going to have a blast.

I know this is un-Spock-like,
but I can't stop smiling.

There you are, dear sir.

Let's get this pusillanimous bucket

- of nuts and bolts on the road.
- [applause and cheering]

We have a comic-con to get to!

Mr. Givens?

Oh, the pain.

MARY: So, today

I thought maybe

we'd mix things up a little bit,

and do some reading from Esther.

I don't think I've ever read Esther.

Oh, you are in for a treat.

There is some good stuff in here.

Let us open our Bibles

to, uh, chapter two, verse .

"Before a young woman's turn came

to go into King Xerxes,

she had to complete
months of beauty treatments

prescribed for the women:
six months with oil of myrrh

and six with perfumes and cosmetics."

Did anyone else realize

that cosmetics were
right here in the Bible?

I just find that fascinating.

Uh, well, t-this next verse

talks about her being a concubine.

Hey, hey, don't skip ahead.

We're still talking cosmetics.

Did you know that Esther used her beauty

to stop a genocide?

Really?

Sometimes, I think we forget

how powerful beauty can be.

But I know I sure

feel powerful when I'm wearing

this new line of Mary Kay cosmetics.

Take a gander, ladies.

So how do you know Dr. Smith over there?

That's not Dr. Smith, that's Mr. Givens.

He was my high school science teacher.

Oh. Well, he's dressed as
Dr. Smith from Lost in Space.

Oh, I've never seen it.

Yeah, well, you're not missing much.

It was a lame kids' show.

I'm sorry, "lame kids' show"?

For your information,
Star Trek wouldn't exist

without Lost in Space.

[all oohing]

NATHAN: Yeah, well,

at least Star Trek

didn't have to steal its
robot from Forbidden Planet.

[all oohing]

I take it from their
reaction that was a good dig?

- Solid.
- Nice job.

Well, if Star Trekis so great,

how come Lost in Space

kicked its butt in the ratings?

[all oohing]

Well, if Lost in Space is so great,

how come no one's ever remade it?

That's true, they're still
making Star Trek movies

and a new series.

Yeah, which is even
better than the original.

[all oohing]

I'm sorry, what did you say?

You heard me, Star Trek: Next Gen

is better than Original Series.

Lost in Space brought me
hours of happiness as a child,

you... jerks.

Esther would be so proud.

This is a face that would
stop the spilling of blood.

- You think?
- I do.

Now, if you order the
starter package today,

I will throw in the spring palette.

Sold.

Oh, praise the Lord.

Now who's next?

Okay, I enjoy Mr. Data,

but he's clearly just a Spock rip-off.

[all murmuring]

Oh, I'm sorry,

Mr. Data wants to be more human,

Spock wants to be less human.

How is that the same?

ALL: Yeah!

Well, I think we can all
agree that William Shatner

is the better actor.

[others murmuring in agreement]

Patrick Stewart is classically trained.

He's a member of the
Royal Shakespeare Company.

He's too subtle. When William
Shatner plays an emotion,

my shoe can tell what it is.

[murmuring, laughter]

Well, if you like big acting,

[with accent]: have I got
a show for you, dear boy.

And Kirk is a terrible captain.

He always puts the ship in danger.

Picard would never do that.

Oh, I'm sorry, I guess Picard

never got assimilated by the Borg.

ADULT SHELDON: Our verbal fisticuffs

may have seemed unfriendly,
but the truth is,

we were engaged in a
glorious tribal dance,

like the revelers at Daytona Beach.

I will admit, Wesley
Crusher is the worst.

Now you're knocking Wil Wheaton.
He's the best part of the show.

He's an annoying know-it-all.

[scoffs] Yeah, that's
what makes him lovable.

ADULT SHELDON: It was the
best spring break I ever had.

Until my parents realized I was missing

and I experienced something
worse than the wrath of Khan,

the wrath of Dad.

KIRK: Khan!

♪

[water runs, stops]

What the heck?

You think you can

just wash me away?

Yes, I used the gentle
cleansing cream formula one

with special emollients.

Exploiting your Bible study group,

that was just the beginning.

I wouldn't say I exploited them.

Good, don't. It'll be our little secret.

- [scoffs]
- Now, where are we with Missy?

You leave Missy alone.

Mom, help. I can't get out.

Missy!

Why are you sleeping?!

You should be selling!

[screams]

[panting]

ADULT SHELDON: My mother
never sold makeup again.

And as Mr. Lundy predicted,

Missy got her makeup from her friends.

MISSY: My eye feels oozy.

What's the matter, baby? Oh.