04x01 - Where There's a Will, There's a Way Part 1

[bunniefuu]

Philip, did you get too close?

I don't know, Vivian,
is four feet too close?

Nicky, honey, Daddy won't hurt you.

What is about me that baby
doesn't like? Is it my beard?

Because if it is,
I'll shave it off right now.

Don't you dare.
I love the way that beard feels.

I'm surprised you remember.

Sweetheart, it hasn't been that
long since we've made love, has it?

Five months this Tuesday.

Thin walls.

I'm sorry, honey.
I'll make it better, I promise.

I hope so.
There are priests laughing at me.

I'll have my breakfast
in the family room, Geoffrey.

I'll get the wheelbarrow, sir.

- Morning, Master William.
- Hey.

Aunt Viv, Uncle Phil out there grumbling
something about getting his tubes tied.

He's bluffing.

D.J. Nicky, Nicky, Nicky.
Nick in the house.

Get up. Oh, man.

Aunt Viv, this kid is sprouting.

Hey, you know, another month,
he'll be bigger than Carlton.

I cannot believe that you and Carlton
are moving into your own place.

Seems like just yesterday when I was
wiping the tears from his eyes.

No, no, that was yesterday.

I told you that boy wasn't ready
for Jurassic Park yet.

Will, honey, you and Carlton
will look out for each other, won't you?

Come on, absolutely, Aunt Viv.
We got each other's back.

Great, great, great.
You two just be careful.

There are a lot of sick,
demented perverts out there.

Greetings, all.

Hello, Jazz.

I brought a gift for baby Dicky.

- Nicky.
- Yeah.

- Thank you.
- Whatever.

I know it's five months late,
but I wanted to find just the right thing.

This is very sweet of you, Jazz.
Thank you.

You know, Ms. Banks,
since you had that baby...

...there's something different
about you.

Here, Will.
Thank you, Jazz, very much.

- It's a baby pillow. Isn't it beautiful.
- Oh, yeah.

Jazz, this thing says
"Wendy Beth" on it.

So? When you buy a wallet,
doesn't it have...

...someone else's picture in it first?

Jazz, you stole this pillow.

It's the thought that counts.

- Hi, Daddy. Bye, Daddy.
- Whoa, precious. Where you going?

- To the mall. See you.
- Hold it. Sweetheart, come here.

Today is Saturday, baby.

Why don't you and I
do something together.

Like what?

Like, we could go to the mall.

Daddy, all my friends are at the mall.

Do you know what would happen
if I showed up with my father?

What? Be banned for life
from The Gap?

No, Mom. No, school don't start
for another week.

Oh, yeah, the apartment is great.

Yes, it's in a safe neighborhood, Ma.

Oh, check it out.
The candy store actually sells candy.

Yeah, Mom, I know how proud
you are of me that I'm going to college.

Come on, don't do this, Mom.
You know how this affects me.

Well, yeah, it's like a dream come true
for both of us.

I love you too, Mommy.

Bye-bye.

Kendrick Petroleum up three
and an eighth. What did I tell you?

You called it, son. Vectrocomp Industries
down third day in a row.

- The merger k*lled them.
- Yeah.

Good thing we got out
when we did, huh?

I'm gonna miss you, son.

Did you say something, Dad?

I don't want you to move out.

Sorry, Dad, I have to go.

- No, you don't.
- Will says I do.

He says it's time for me to leave
the nest, become independent...

...and have sex with girls.

Safe sex, mind you, but lots of it.

Excuse me. Is this what
you've been telling my boy?

- What?
- That life is one big orgy.

- I never said...
- College is hard work, son.

Followed by a family,
which is even more hard work.

And a teenage daughter who doesn't
wanna be seen with you in public.

And a wife who won't let you
anywhere near her.

And a butler who may be
the father of your child.

- And a gardener, a gardener...
- Dad! Dad!

Hey, Will.

Will, I can't bear to see him like this.

That's why we moving,
so we don't have to.

Well, look at him. He needs me.

No, I don't.
I don't need either one of you.

There is a silver lining
in my dark cloud. Hilary.

I'm sorry, Hilary Banks?

You know, fate works
in mysterious ways.

For years, I've been trying to get her
to move out of the house and now...

...when I'm gonna be alone,
she is my salvation.

So you two, you two go on
with your little lives.

My Hilary needs me.

Okay, everybody, guess what.

Okay, I can see you're stumped.

I'm getting married.

To Trevor.

Oh, Hilary. What is this?

Hilary's marrying Trevor.

Oh, come on. Don't tease me.

- Mother, it's true.
- When did he propose?

This morning, as he was leaving
the pool house.

I mean, this morning on the phone.

You certainly ain't wasting
no time getting a gown.

Mom and Dad bought this for me
when I hit puberty.

One down, three to go.

Oh, Philip, you all right?
You look like you're in shock.

Shock? Oh, no, it figures.

Here's the best part. I asked Trevor
to officially propose to me...

...during his Slice of L.A. segment
on tomorrow's news.

That way, all of Los Angeles
can share in our happiness.

Hilary, sweetheart...

...I think there may be a question
that you should ask yourself.

I already did.

I'm going to register at Tiffany's.

No, no, sweetheart.

Are you in love with Trevor?

What's love got to do with it?
I'm having a wedding.

Hey, back off, lke.
We're having a wedding.

- Let's go do the invitation list.
- Oh, Mommy.

Way to go, sis. The guy's a prince.

I can't believe
she's gonna marry that jerk.

Trevor's not a jerk.

He's a superficial, self-centered,
TelePrompTer-reading airhead.

Sounds like a match to me.

My little girl is leaving me.

Are you gonna be all right, big guy?

Because I can stay here and help you
through this rocky time.

I'll be fine.

We out then.

- Bye, Dad.
- You take care, man.

So if you take package D,
you get basic cable...

...three premiums
and the Lust Channel.

Carlton, how you feel
about the Lust Channel?

I think it's 24 hours
of shallow, pointless nudity.

You heard the bird. We'll take it.

You'll be hooked up tomorrow.

Thank you, Mr. Smith.

You heard that right. Mr. Smith.

This boy's getting
some respect around here.

Will, I've met the woman
of my dreams.

Word? I didn't know
RuPaul lived in L.A.

See, one of my duties as mascot...

...is to walk around
and greet people on campus.

So I'm doing my thing, and this wise guy
starts messing with my plumage.

Then she came to my rescue.

Five feet, 11 inches
of feminine firepower.

I bet she could toss me
around this room.

Hope it works out for you, buddy.

- Oh, Will, she's crazy about me.
- What makes you think that?

Get this, she said she's looking forward
to seeing me again.

- So?
- So no one's ever said that to me...

...except my dentist.

You were right.
We're on our own three hours...

...and my life's already taken
a turn for the better.

Well, let freedom ring.

Oh, that's the door.

Hey, Mr. Gorodetsky.

I thought I said no pets.

I'm not really a peacock.

And I'm not really a slumlord.

Look, if you need to reach me,
I'll be at my home number.

- You don't live here?
- Are you kidding?

Oh, yeah.

I hope that's not
a long-distance call you're making.

Can I see that first dollar
you ever had again?

- Oh, sure.
- Put it away, you cheapskate.

I'm just calling Jazz, invite a couple
of people over. Christen the new crib.

Is there anyone in particular
you'd like to invite?

I don't keep friends.

In time of w*r, they can be tortured
and give up valuable secrets about you.

I was talking
about your Miss Lady Peacock.

Are you nuts? I'm not bringing her
within a hundred yards of you.

What? Carlton, I'm your cousin, man.

The cousin who stole
every woman I ever had.

Oh, please, I stole one girl.

My point exactly.

All right, Carlton, I promise you
I ain't gonna press up on her.

As far as I'm concerned,
she's just a man with breasts.

She does have breasts, doesn't she?

Well, all right.

She runs the campus store.
I'll go ask her.

- Carlton.
- What?

Change your clothes.

Geoffrey. Geoffrey, look.
It's Carlton's first haircut.

Hilary's first day at kindergarten.

Geoffrey. Geoffrey.
Here's Ashley on a diving board.

The way we were.

You've got to look to the future, sir.
Put the past behind you.

I guess. You're right.

- What's for dinner?
- Leftovers.

Hold it, hold it.

- Who do we have here?
- We met at the mall.

What's your name, son?

This.

This is a stick with a snake
wrapped around it.

- It's a symbol, like Prince.
- Prince who?

See, that's exactly why fathers
ain't allowed at the mall.

What's this thing?

It's a symbol for
"get out of my house!"

Daddy, I love him!

Keep it up, sir...

...and I'll be all you have left.

You owe me.
That's Boardwalk with a hotel.

That's 2 grand. Thank you.

- Community Chest.
- Yes, and what a lovely community it is.

Coming through, coming through.

Hey, Carl, where you been, man?

I was watching the sun set
over the Bank of America building.

I think you know everybody...
Oh, except LaTanya.

Hello.

I'd like to set the record straight...

...before any other woman
comes on to me.

I'm in a monogamous relationship.

- Really? How long?
- It's going on five hours.

I'd appreciate it if you scavengers
would refrain from eating this.

I'm saving it for my Jacqueline.

Jacqueline is his imaginary friend.

Hey.

Hey, my brother, can I help you?

Yeah, man, this is where the party at?

What party, man?

The party we paid $25
apiece to go to.

Say, where's En Vogue?

Hey, my brother, I think
you got the wrong crib, man.

This is apartment 206, right?

Well, yeah, man, but it ain't no party.

Read it and weep, man.

"It's the rump-baking,
booty-shaking...

...don't miss the mix
in apartment 206."

- This is Jazz's handwriting.
- How do you know?

All the letters is cut out of magazines.

- Hey.
- Hey, what's up with you, man?

Hey, my brother. This is a private party,
and y'all are going to have to step.

Not without my $25.

Get out or I'll call security.

Not old dude with the flashlight.

He carries a whistle too.

All right, man, we don't want
that kind of trouble.

Guess we'll just go home
and watch some TV.

Sounds like a good idea, my brother.

Hey. Hey.

Why don't you just take the pictures
off the wall while you're at it.

Good idea. Go nice with my new TV.

Look, Carlton, if anybody else comes,
you take care of it.

I'm going to get our stuff back.

Hey, y'all come back here
with our stuff, man.

This should cover your $25.

Oh, the blender's still on warranty.

It looks like your
Jacqueline stood you up.

It also looked like Loni and Burt
had a good marriage.

Dance with me, you freak.

Maybe if you asked me nicely.

This party's played out.

Oh, tell Will the crib is dope.

Like that's all I got on my mind.

Come on, Jacqueline.

My bedtime's coming soon.

Bird man?

Jacqueline.

Wait, I thought there were
gonna be other people here.

Well, there were. They left.

Some with lovely parting gifts.

Maybe I better leave too.

No, don't.

I went and got us some dinner
from Chez Paul.

Filet mignon?

Thanks, but I don't eat red meat.

I'll give it up too.

No need, bird man.

Jacqueline, how about a dance
before you go...

...to christen the new crib.

It'd be my first dance
with a brother from Bel-Air.

Better take the opportunity.
There aren't too many of us.

All right.

What is this anyway?

Bobby Vinton, the Polish Prince.

Well, I have some Manilow
if you prefer.

No, the Polish Prince will do just fine.

It's my Jacqueline.

It's the TV.

Jackie?

Oh, my God. Will.

No, no, no!

Go, peacock. Go, peacock.
Go, peacock.