04x05 - It's Better to Have Loved and Lost It...

[bunniefuu]

I know when to hold 'em

Know when to fold 'em

Know when to walk away

But don 't know when to shut up

Read them and weep.

This is the best day of my life.

Wait, even better than the day
you met the Van Patten family?

Hey, guys.
I remember the best day of my life.

It was when I did
the wild thing for the first time.

I cut out of high school
to go to Soul Train.

The next thing I knew,
me and this honey was knocking boots...

...behind the Soul Train
Scrabble board.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

You mean you cut high school
in Akron, Ohio...

...to go to Soul Train,
which tapes in L. A?

Hey, hey.
High school was boring, okay?

Yeah, we believe that one.

Yo, man,
I remember my first time.

Right before I came out here
from Philly.

Miss X gave me an unforgettable
going-away present.

- Miss X.
- What was it?

A key chain, Carlton.
What do you think, man?

All I'm saying is
she was very special...

...and this true mack here
was solid gold.

Man, I remember my first time.

It was everything
a young man could dream of.

And it only cost me 35 bucks.

But, of course,
things were cheaper then.

That's very touching, Jazz.

Carlton, you've been mighty quiet
over there about this here subject.

Maybe he ain't got nothing
to talk about.

Lockjaw.

I thought we were here to play poker.

I think he's more used
to playing solitaire.

Solitaire!

I guess y'all don't know.

The only problem this stallion has
is keeping the names with the faces...

...if you know what I'm saying.

You know, Carlton,
tell them about the time.

- Tell them about the time.
- Not that it's anybody's business...

...but my first time
will be a loving expression...

...of my commitment
to the girl of my dreams.

That's beautiful, Carlton.

I call. Check it out.

Three kings and a virgin.

If I had a hammer

Hey, I do.

Hey, Will.

- Hey, what you doing here?
- I'm here to sign up for the reception.

The dean of the business school's
a Princeton alum.

- You know what that means.
- You'll be kissing more butt than Arsenio.

Look, Dean Morgan
could be my ticket into Princeton.

Kissing up is a small price to pay.

Well, you know what?
Just try not to embarrass yourself again.

What's that supposed to mean?

Last night, Carlton.
I mean, this innocence thing.

In high school, that was cute.
But come on, you're a man now.

Start lying.

I have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm waiting for Miss Right.

Carlton, please,
forget about Miss Right.

Go for Miss Right Now.

Will, I don't wanna settle
for just anyone.

When I was a kid,
I used to sit in my tree house...

...thinking for hours
about my dream girl.

I can see her now.

She's got beautiful brown eyes...

...and a smile that lights up a room.

- Carl... Carlton.
- She'll be a great dresser.

Sophisticated.
Beautiful long, dark hair.

- Carlton...
- Let me finish, Will.

She'll love everything I love.

Money, lvy League schools
and America.

Excuse me.
Can I pay for this Business Week now?

The Princeton game is about to start.
I don't wanna miss the national anthem.

Hey, lady, we were talking.

Look, just a second.
I'll be right with you, all right?

- Carlton, man, it's her.
- You think?

Come on, man, baby is all that.
Go on, step to her and ask her out.

- So you're a Princeton fan?
- Not really.

But my favorite singer
is performing the national anthem.

- Who's that?
- Tom Jones.

Stupid, ask her out.

My name's...

Carlton.

Carlton.

Joann.

There's a TV in the student union.

Maybe we could watch
Tom Jones together.

That sounds really nice, Carlton.

Hey, good catch, Carlton.

That girl's a...

That girl's a damn thief.
She stole that magazine. Hey!

Bob, Bob. Bob, calm down.

Bob, judges don't cry.

Bob, this is just an investigation.

Everything's gonna work out fine.
Trust me.

Okay, bye. Yeah. Bye, bye.

- He's dead.
- What's going on, Uncle Phil?

That ethics committee is digging up
dirt on every judge in town.

It's a witch-hunt, man. A witch-hunt.

Goodness. Clumsy me.

Philip, I thought
you were getting the car.

- What's going on?
- That committee nailed another judge.

I sure am glad we don't have
anything to hide.

Will?

Hey, look. I found that Chevette.

The body was already
in the trunk too.

Honey, come on,
we're gonna be late for the party.

I am serious, Will.
You stay out of trouble.

The slightest indiscretion
could cost me my job.

G, what is up with you today, man?

I mean, you're seeming
all jumpy at anything.

Jumpy? No, not me.

- Come on, G, you can...
- Stop persecuting me!

I've done nothing, I tell you. Nothing.

You just can't get good help
these days.

That was the most romantic afternoon
I've ever had.

I knew you'd love
the Tom Jones Museum.

I'm sorry we didn't make it
to the Hall of Sideburns.

Here we are.

Do you live in this hotel?

Oh, just until I find a new apartment.

You could come live at our house.
My little sister is almost 15.

It's time she moved out on her own.

I needed to laugh today. Thank you.

Well, I don't want this to end.

It doesn't have to.

Will you marry me?

You are too adorable for words.

Can I give you a kiss goodbye?

Yes.

Tomorrow morning.

Well, what time should I come back?

Just toast and coffee
this morning, Geoffrey.

Geoffrey's not here, Hilary.

Can he do that?

He was so upset,
I gave him the morning off.

I better go check
to see how he's doing.

Great, so what am I supposed
to do about breakfast?

Oh, here's a crazy idea, Hil.
How about you get it yourself?

Fine.

Bel-Air Hotel? Get me Room Service.

I was up all night
worried sick about you.

Where have you been?
And how come you didn't call me?

Oh, my God, that's my mom's finger.
Get it off my hand.

Pinch me, Will. I'm in love.

I finally found
the woman of my dreams.

And I did it.

The big it.

You mean you and Joann...

...closed the deal?

What are you guys talking about?

Business, Ash.
Here, have some breakfast.

So who put the offer on the table?

She did. And the terms
were so attractive, I jumped on h...

It.

I jumped on it.

And don't worry...

...I protected my investment.

Come on, come on.
Tell me everything, tell me everything.

- What was that all about?
- Carlton lost his virginity.

I'll see y'all later, all right?

Hold on a minute.
Geoffrey has something to tell us.

Hurry up, G. I'm late for work, man.

I have a confession.

Something so shameful, I had hoped
it could remain buried forever.

Oh, I think I got a minute or two
for this one.

I hope this doesn't have anything to do
with the ethics committee investigation.

I'm afraid it does, sir.

I beg your forgiveness
for bringing this pox upon your house.

That's all right,
just don't take another morning off.

Okay, Geoffrey, let's have it.

I'm too ashamed to talk about it.
It's better if I show you.

You did a p*rn movie?

Montreal,
site of the 1976 Olympics...

... where some athletes become
heroes to their countries...

... and where one man
became the shame of a nation.

Geoffrey Butler, a long-distance runner
representing Great Britain...

... was descended from
a long line of running Butlers.

The hopes of a nation were
on this promising runner's shoulders.

Alas, his best was simply
not good enough.

Halfway through the race,
young Geoffrey Butler hit the wall.

But unfortunately,
he would not accept his defeat.

In this amazing footage sh*t
by Japanese tourist, Hashi Takashi...

... Geoffrey Butler's unthinkable
actions were captured.

Geoffrey Butler's false victory
was short-lived.

The Takashi footage was released
almost immediately...

... and the public was outraged.

Geoffrey Butler dropped from sight,
never to be seen again.

To his countrymen,
he is the shame of a nation.

That's the shameful secret
I have kept inside for 17 years.

Hey, hey. Hey, G, man.
Hey, we ain't laughing at you, man.

I guess we kind of are.

Hey, G, why don't you
run into the kitchen...

...and get me something.

Or better yet, take a cab.

Sensitive lot, aren't you?

Oh, Geoffrey, the committee won't care
about any of this.

- They won't?
- Of course not.

You're a servant. Get me some cake.

Geoffrey, what you did
was not a crime.

It was stupid.

So you mean I'm not gonna cause you
any embarrassment or scandals?

No, no.

Oh, man. Hey, G, hold on.

You mean,
that's why you came to America?

That's right, Master William.

When did you get your green card?

Green card? What green card?

Welcome to the ULA
Business Reception.

Weenie?

You are what you eat, buddy.

Hey, there he is, ladies.

- The love machine. Okay, one at a time.
- Will.

Okay, two at a time
if you think you're ready, baby.

Come on, Will, it's hard enough for me
to think about anything else.

Oh, man, I understand.
I remember my first time.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
She gave you a key chain.

There's Dean Morgan.

Oh, I can't just walk right up to him.

Haven't you learned anything
from your experience last night?

You want me to sleep with him?

Carlton, I'm saying
when you want something, go for it.

Now, he's over there.
Just walk over and introduce yourself.

Excuse me, Dean Morgan?

Carlton Banks, class of '97.

I read your paper
on the rise and fall of IBM.

I call it the feel-good
financial analysis of the year.

Let the butt-kissing begin.

Yeah, Banks, Banks.

Yes, you're the chap
who wants to transfer to Princeton.

That's my alma mater, you know.

Really? Well, quelle surprise.

Do you know what it takes to be
accepted into Princeton, Mr. Banks?

Inspiration.

And one phone call from me.

Oh, this must be fate.

I had my inspiration yesterday.

I found a woman who makes me believe
that anything is possible.

Well, I feel the same way
about Mrs. Morgan.

Oh, here she is now.

Sweetheart.

Carlton Banks,
I'd like you to meet my wife, Joann.

Hey, it is great to see you two
together again.

You've met my wife?

I mean, it is great to see you two
together again.

Do I know you?

Well, see...

I'm the manager of this place,
and there's a phone call for you.

Well, who is it?

It's your uncle.

My only uncle d*ed three years ago.

Then you should take the call because
it's probably really long-distance.

Excuse me for a minute.

I'll leave you two
to get better acquainted.

I don't think that's possible.

Why didn't you tell me
you were married?

It's not that simple.

You're telling me. I mean,
this will make it very hard for us.

Carlton, there is no us.
My husband and I are separated...

...but he called this morning
and we're working things out.

- But yesterday...
- No, I was upset.

And you were so cute.

Well, you made me feel better.

Look, I'm not proud of myself.

I love you.

Oh, Carlton.

It was just one night.

I've been waiting my whole life
for that one night.

I'm so sorry.

So what happens now?

We say goodbye.

Hey, look, Carlton, man.
I'm s... I didn't...

You have to go through this
every time you come up here?

No, I take the ladder.

She used me, Will.

Of all the students
in all the universities...

...in all the world,
she had to sleep with me.

I feel lower than dirt.

That would be what, rocks?

Yeah, I feel like rocks.

Really dirty rocks.

You were right, Will.

There's no girl of my dreams.

Hey, Carlton, check it out.

How about we go down and
we discuss this on solid ground, huh?

I'll buy you some rocky road, baby.

No.

I'm never coming down.

Carlton, you're gonna have
to eventually come down.

What happens when you gotta go
to the bathroom?

Down the hall,
third door on your right.

I'm so stupid.

I'm a stupid, dirty rock.

Carlton, man...

...I've been thinking.

Maybe if I didn't play you so much...

...about being a virgin...

...maybe you would've took things
a little slower.

And you would've realized
that Joann wasn't "Miss Right."

Maybe if me and Miss X
had taken things a little slower...

...maybe we'd be a little better off
than we are right now.

Is the almighty Will
admitting he was wrong?

Well, there's a first time
for everything.

Of course, you know that.

Look, if you don't mind,
I really wanna be alone right now.

All right, all right.

Hey, you mind
if I use the ladder this time?

- Do whatever you want.
- All right.

You don't hate me, do you?

No.

It's a nice tree house
you got here, man.

At least you didn't outgrow
your furniture, huh?

Oh, you know what?

I'll never forget my first time, man.
It was right before I went back to...

- I remember that time.
- You remember that time?

- I remember that time.
- I was there.

You was there? I remember that time.

I bet she remember it too.

Okay, hold it.

I mess my line up.

That's next year's Emmy right there.