04x06 - Will Goes a Courtin

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Aired September 10, 1990 - May 20, 1996.*
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Will's mom sends him away from his rough Philadelphia neighborhood to live with wealthy Uncle Phil and Aunt Vivian in Bel-Air.
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04x06 - Will Goes a Courtin

Post by bunniefuu »

Everything is fine, Vivian.

Tell Ashley and Nicky
that I miss them too.

Okay? Okay, love you.

Oh, kiss your sister for me.

God knows I wouldn't do it.

- Morning.
- Morning.

Well, Daddy, L.A.'s favorite weather girl
is ready to go back to work.

- With that on?
- Oh, I know, I'm tired of black too...

...but I want the public to know
I'm still mourning Trevor's death.

You know, I just don't think that black
is the right color for this kind of heat.

Oh, don't worry, Daddy,
this dress is surprisingly cool.

It's like I'm wearing
practically nothing.

She's not my daughter.

Dad, when are you gonna get
the air conditioner fixed?

It's sweltering in our place.

Yeah, man, it's so hot out there
the Uh-Huh Girls just went:

Everybody keeps talking
about this heat wave.

Maybe I should mention it
in today's weather report.

You know, that girl
has got the mind of Willard Scott.

Hey. Come to think of it,
you got his body. Y'all should team up.

No, check it out. On the serious tip,
you got to fix our air conditioner today.

We got some people
coming over for a party.

And as good hosts,
we'd prefer that they didn't melt.

Sorry, Uncle Phil has left the building.

You're now talking
to landlord Banks...

...and he's not fixing anything
until he gets his rent.

You'll get the rent
when we get the air.

What did you say?

I'm sorry, was I talking out loud?

You know what, Uncle Phil?
Forget it, you win.

We'll just move our little
somethin'-somethin'...

...from inside to poolside.

Oh, no, you don't.

No rent, no pool,
no party, no nothing.

What does he mean by "no nothing"?

Oh, don't worry about it,
it's a double negative.

- What's this?
- A bill for your breakfast.

Dad, this is an outrage!
Three dollars for orange juice?

Oh, and I've taken the liberty
of adding a 15-percent gratuity.

Carlton. Of course
you know this means w*r!

It certainly does.
And we're gonna win, right, Dad?

Girl, let me tell you, switching this
to a pool party was a stroke of genius.

Why do you say that?

Oh, couple of reasons.

Girl, I got to tell you, that suit look like
a piece of "good God"...

...wrapped up in some "have mercy"
with a side of:

Really? I mean,
you don't think it's too revealing?

Well, if it is, your secret's safe with me.
You know? You know?

Come on, let's get out of this heat
before I pop something, you know.

Thank you, Chet.
It's good to be back.

Yes, I'm here at the Farmers Market,
and as you can see...

... my fans haven 't forgotten me.

Why haven 't you answered
any of my letters?

Well, the good news is
the heat wave is over.

L.A. Will have a high tomorrow
of only 65.

Oh, sorry, that "LA"
stands for Louisiana.

Our high will be 112.

Well, they have
the same abbreviation.

This is Hilary Banks surrounded by
ordinary people at the Farmers Market.

Now back to you, Chet.

Don 't any of you touch me.

I can't believe she wore that dress.

- Would you like a Swedish meatball, sir?
- Don't mind if I do.

Only one, sir.

The rest are for Master William
and his friends, poolside.

What? I can't believe that he would
deliberately disobey me!

I wouldn't call it disobedience, sir.
It's more like outright defiance.

That's it!

Dance puppets, dance!

Hi, Carlton.

Hi, Steffi, what are you doing here?

I heard the party and
I came to see if Ashley was home.

Well, she's away at her Aunt Helen's.
Now, run along.

I don't think you're age-appropriate
for this party.

Now...

...if you'll excuse me,
I'm going swimming.

Hey, Will, any sign of Dad yet?

Well...

That's either him or a rhino
that got his horn chopped off.

I'm going swimming
in the neighbor's pool.

Carlton, listen.
We have to stand up to him, man.

If he smells fear, he'll att*ck.

- How dare you two defy me.
- Now, see here, big guy.

Oh, my God, Howard!

Come on, Will, let's get wet.

Young lady, would you mind putting
on some clothes and going home. Now.

Whoa, baby, baby, baby.

What you doing? You embarrassing me
in front of my friends.

You should have thought of that
before you defied me.

Hi, Mr. Banks.

Steffi, do your parents
know you're here?

I don't think so. They're in Aspen.

And I'm in heaven.

She came over here on her own.

Will, I am going back in the house,
and when I come out...

...I want all of these people gone.

Well, they will be if you come out
in the morning, Uncle Phil.

Wait, wait.
Let me get this straight, young man.

You are telling me what will
or will not happen in my own house?

Excuse me, but this is my house.

I pay rent here too, eventually.

You watch how you talk to me.

Well, then, Uncle Phil,
stop treating me like a child.

Oh, I'm sorry,
I didn't realize I was talking to a man.

That's right. It's me, Will Smith.

- Oh, well.
- Man.

I guess you're ready
to play a man's game, huh?

All right, Will,
if that's the way you want it.

Don't come back, neither.

G, is Uncle Phil around?

The coast is clear. He's in court.

Geoffrey,
could you get us some breakfast?

I'm not allowed to serve you anymore.

Mr. Banks' orders.

G, listen,
how upset was Uncle Phil last night?

Well, he did something
I've never seen him do...

...in all the years I've been here.

What, a sit-up?

It's a bit more serious than that,
I'm afraid.

You know the cherry cheesecake,
candied yams...

...barbecued ribs left over
from yesterday?

Yeah.

Oh, my goodness, it's still there.

Oh, I'm afraid.

- Hold me, Will.
- Get off of me, man.

I don't know why I ever listen to you.

I was content having my father
push me around for the rest of my life.

Now who knows
what he's gonna do to us.

Relax, man,
what's he gonna do, sue us?

Oh, gosh, now you've gone
and spoiled the surprise.

- What's this?
- Subpoenas from your father.

And may I say,
it's been a pleasure serving you.

Case dismissed.

This is the last case of the day,
number 1218...

...Phillip Banks v. Will Smith
and Carlton Banks...

...for nonpayment of rent.

Philip, I can't believe you're suing
your own son and nephew.

Oh, relax, Lois, this is just
a little lesson in responsibility.

They're probably not gonna show up.

In fact, they're probably home now,
preparing their apologies.

Looks like they've prepared
more than an apology.

Mr. Banks, your opening statement.

I don't have an opening statement.

- Mr. Smith.
- Thank you.

Your Honor, I'm from West Philadelphia,
born and raised.

On the playground
is where I spent most of my days.

I don't have a big bag
of fancy courtroom tricks.

Or a high-priced degree
from Princeton...

...like my worthy adversary,
Judge Philip Banks.

- But what I do have is the truth!
- Oh, shut up, Will!

Your Honor, Mr. Smith is making
a mockery of the entire legal system.

And this man is making a mockery
of a finely cut Italian suit.

Order in the court.

Mr. Banks, will you please call
your first witness.

- I don't have a witness.
- I do, Your Honor.

Fine. Mr. Smith,
call your first witness.

Your Honor, I'd like to call someone
who's not afraid to tell the truth...

...no matter what landlord Banks
might do to him.

Someone who knows
the plaintiff intimately.

Like a son, one might say.

Oh, that's great, Will,
who do we have?

You, dummy.

When we prepared this case, you didn't
say I had to speak against my father.

You don't.

Just read it.

"The night was hot,
forcing our party outdoors.

Will Smith, who is neat,
considerate and responsible...

...smile at me, was having..."

Smile at me?

Oh, I get it.

- No further questions, Your Honor.
- Hold it.

I'd like to cross-examine the witness,
Your Honor.

All right, I'm guilty! I'm guilty!

- That will be all.
- You may step down.

Welcome to my turf.

How did I do?

Your Honor, I'd like to call
my next witness, Miss Hilary Banks.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, boy.

Will you please take the stand?

Certainly, Your Honor.

Do you swear to tell the truth...

...so help you God?
- I do.

Okay, Miss Banks,
you were the previous tenant...

...in the aforementioned pool house,
is that correct?

Yes.

And would you please tell us
of your experiences there.

Am I under oath?

Of course.

Well, Trevor would come over at about
3:00 in the morning, and we would...

Objection!

That does it! You may step down.

Mr. Banks, the court
would like to know...

...the impetus for this little lesson
that's being learned, and make it quick.

I have a 5:00 hair appointment.


Your Honor, I will show that my tenants
were openly hostile and defiant...

...leaving me to believe
no rent was forthcoming.

Why, I was reading in my study
late one night...

Yo, yo, man, this party is dumb!

No, man, this party is stupid!

No, no, no, this party is crazy,
fly, dumb, deaf, doogy!

- You the man! You the man!
- You the man!

Hi there.
I see you're having a gathering.

Isn't that wonderful.

Hey, Pops, you popped my duck.

I'm sorry, son. Here, here's $ 100.

Yeah, that's more like it.

Hi.

Will, where's your aunt's gold watch
that you promised me?

In time, baby, in time.

Why don't you go on,
cool off in the pool a little bit?

Go on, girl.

Hey, hey, look, look,
check it out, Heavy P.

Now, why don't you take
your Humpty Dumpty butt...

...on back up to the main house,
because you're embarrassing us out here.

You know what I'm saying?

I understand. Kids don't like to have
adults hanging around their parties, but...

- Word.
- Well, could you...?

Could you turn your music down
just a drop?

We have to consider our neighbors.

I am, dude.

Right now I'm considering
their 15-year-old daughter.

Hi, Mr. Banks.

Steffi, do your parents
know you're here?

To hell with my parents.

Will taught me that.

You know,
she came over here on her own, chief.

Oh, I believe you.

Well, I guess
I better go back in the house.

Well, I know I can trust you.

I know we've had our differences, but,
boy, you're a great kid.

Boy?!

You call me "boy"?
You better step to me like a man!

Now get to stepping!
Now get to stepping!

Okay, Will,
if that's the way you want it.

Oh, please!

Your Honor, that is not the way
it went down.

How did it go down, Mr. Smith?

I'm glad you asked me that question.

Check it out,
the night was so hot...

...people was pulling up
on camels, right?

So listen...

Gayle, would you mind
if I commented on your swimsuit?

Don't tell me, it's too revealing?

Oh, just a little bit, you know.

I've got some old T-shirts in there that
I was gonna drop off for the homeless...

...but you're welcome to put one on
to cover up.

Oh, Will, my parents adore you.

Oh, Gayle, bring out that book of hymns
I was telling you about.

Oh, this heat is unbearable.

I need to take a dip in the pool.

Safety first, my little non-swimmer.

Only if Dad would fix the air conditioner
in the pool house...

...we wouldn't have to be out
in this sweltering heat.

How could he be so cruel?

He's mad, I tell you, mad.

Stop it. You will not speak
of Uncle Phil that way.

He may be an unreasonable,
pigheaded dictator...

...but he is your father and my uncle,
and you will show him some respect.

You're right, Will. Thanks.

It's... It's... It's him.

Do you know how humiliating it is...

...to have a son who can't swim?

- Listen, Uncle Phil...
- Silence.

If I want your opinion,
I'll b*at it out of you.

- Hello, Mr. Banks.
- What's she doing here?

She wandered over, lonely and crying.
I didn't have the heart to turn her away.

Hit the bricks, you little tramp!
Out of here!

And tell your mother
your father has a girlfriend!

I'm going back into the house,
and when I come out...

...I want all these freeloading parasites
out of here!

Yes, sir, within the hour.

- Five minutes!
- Four.

All right, Will...

...if that's the way you want it.

And then he slapped me
with a subpoena.

- Thank you, Mr. Smith.
- You're welcome.

Mr. Banks,
will you please approach the bench.

Is that victory I smell?

I am disappointed in you for allowing
your family relationship to come to this.

- That's what we saying.
- Shame.

Yeah, ju... Oh, shame.

In lieu of a written lease,
the law stipulates...

...a landlord must provide his tenants
with electricity, gas and plumbing.

Yeah.

However, air conditioning
is considered a luxury.

Rent cannot be withheld
based on a malfunctioning appliance.

Meaning?

- Meaning you'll have to pay the rent.
- Yes!

This will be a good one
for the cocktail parties, Philip.

We're going to appeal this decision.

I intend to cite the landmark case
of Rhode Island v. Schechter Poultry.

That has to do with
the right to hang dead chickens...

...in a butcher-shop window.

Well, then,
you see where I'm going with this.

Guess this whole thing got
a little out of hand, huh?

Yeah.

Will...

Look, let's try not to let this
ever happen again, huh?

I don't want your hand,
I want my rent.

Oh, man, I don't believe...

Did you learn nothing
from all this mess?

Yeah, never rent to relatives.

What did we go through
this whole episode for?

- Money.
- Well, you could at least say you're sorry.

Not until you say it first.

Will you please take the stand?

Certainly, Your Honor.

Do you swear to tell the truth,
so help you God?

I'm sorry.
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