04x09 - Fresh Prince After Dark

[bunniefuu]

Family, I have an announcement.

Listen,
Playboy is doing a pictorial...

...on the prettiest weather girls
from coast to coast.

They're gonna call it "Warm Fronts."

And they want me to be in it.

Absolutely not.

But don't you even wanna hear
what I have to say about it?

You heard our father: No!

Carlton, what do you care?

Look, I will not be publicly
embarrassed by a potential scandal.

Now, now, don't get
your Underoos in a knot, stumpy.

Hilary knows what she's doing.

- Wait a minute, I haven't even decided...
- Quiet, Hilary. Work with me here, Hil.

I can see it now:

Long afternoons kicking back
on a chaise longue...

...watching full-body contact
volleyball up at Hef's place.

Hilary, as long as you live in my house,
you will abide by my rules.

- And that goes for the rest of you.
- That's telling us, Dad.

Wait.

I am 24 years old,
and I can make my own decisions.

Besides...

...Mom said it was okay.

Oh, yeah?

Vivian!

So you said your daughter
could pose in Playboy, huh?

No. I said I didn't like the idea.

But I also said she's a grown woman,
and it's her choice.

No daughter of mine is posing
in that kind of magazine, period.

You do this to me all the time, Daddy.

I have a mind of my own,
and opinions...

...and you never let me
express them and...

What were we talking about?

Hil, I think you were in the process
of storming out of here.

Thanks, Will.

So, what do you think?

Look like you got hat-jacked
by Woody Woodpecker.

These are the new booster hats.
Help me set up a display.

Sure thing, boss lady.

Oh, Jackie, check it out.
Hypothetical situation:

Let's just say, like, a famous
men's magazine asked you to pose...

...with nothing but that stupid hat on.
Would you do it?

No way, I don't want
just anybody looking at this body.

Has it changed since
we used to play doctor?

- Stop it.
- See, you have beautiful teeth.

I didn't even know you had those.
That was fun.

Imagine how much more fun
it would be if we was both naked.

Will, you just hit on me
from force of habit.

Now, if you really
wanna go out with me...

...why not step to me like a man?

Well, okay.

So Jacqueline...

I wonder if you'd do me
the honor of having dinner with me.

Okay.

"Okay"?

"Okay" is all right if I offered you
a government cheese sandwich...

...but I'm offering you
a buffet of love, child.

Take it easy, homey.
I mean, you asked like a gentleman.

If you keep acting like a gentleman
maybe we can get somewhere.

Somewhere that we could talk
lying down?

- Will!
- All right, Jackie, I'm sorry.

A temporary cool breakdown.
I'm back now.

Look, so when is good for you?

I don't know. I was thinking about
this afternoon leading into the evening.

You know what the evening leads...
I'm sorry, I need to have that treated.

- I'm sorry.
- I'll call you later.

Come without the stupid hat, okay?

Hey, girl, I was...
Would you stop it! Stop, stop, stop.

Hilary, are you really going to pose
in that magazine?

- Why? Does it bother you?
- A little.

I don't even like to get undressed
in gym class.

Ashley, your body is going
through some changes...

...and they may seem
awkward and embarrassing...

...but I promise you,
it's completely normal.

And the discomfort,
it's only temporary.

I know. I look great naked.

It's just that I don't like a bunch
of gooney people staring at me.

Oh, you get used to it.

I guess I could kiss heaven goodbye...

...because it got to be a sin
to look this good.

You've been playing tennis
with the gardener again, haven't you?

You do look great, Will.

Thanks a lot, Hil.
You can help me out.

I need a name of a smoking place
to take a date.

Sure, we can talk about it
on the way to the party.

- I'm gonna go get dressed.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa. What party?

Well, isn't that why
you're all dressed up?

Oh, did I forget to tell you?

I think you're still in the process
of forgetting.

Playboy called.

They're having a pool party
at the Mansion...

...to kick off the weather girl sh**t.

And?

And since you stood up for me
with Daddy, I'm taking you.

Yes, I knew that.

Let me tell you, you're the best cousin
a brother ever had.

I'm going to the Playboy Mansion.

Well, hello, Hef.

Oh, pshaw.

Don't be silly.
I'm glad I could come.

Oh, Miss December.
Oh, baby, I was gonna call you.

Come here, girl.

Excuse me, Master William...

...if you can tear yourself away
from your imaginary friend...

...a Miss Jacqueline's on the phone.

I forgot all about Jackie.

Look, G. G, G...

If you had to decide between
going on a date with a girl...

...you care about and going to
the Playboy Mansion, which would it be?

The fact you're even asking,
Master William...

...tells me that you
really care about the lady.

- I guess I do.
- Admirable.

Tell me, might this young lady
have a terminal illness?

No, G, of course not.

Then may I point out,
she'll still be here tomorrow.

Oh, I'm sorry, babe. I'm sick.

No, no, no, don't come over.
Because, you know, I could be catchy.

Well, you know, I guess
I'll just have to talk to you tomorrow?

Bye.

So...

...when do we leave
for the Mansion?

Oh, they don't need you, G.
They're fully staffed.

Either that is one tight dress
or a really good paint job.

- Come on, let's go.
- Wait a minute, Will.

- I think I'm having second thoughts.
- What do you mean?

I don't know if doing the layout is worth
having Daddy hate me the rest of my life.

No, no, no,
it's only the rest of his life.

After them pictures come out,
how much longer could he have?

- Will.
- I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking.

- I thought you wanted to do the pictures.
- Well, I do.

I'm saying you can't just let your pop
be pushing you around all the time.

It would be so much easier
if only he liked Playboy.

Liked it?

He's got issues in his bathroom
from, like, 1964.

Come on, just don't worry about it.
Let's just go to the party.

Freeze!

Oh, look, the Little Republican Store
must've opened.

Good joke, Will.
I'll laugh on the way to the party.

Whoa, teeny.

What makes you think
you're going to the party?

I'm not gonna miss out
on Princeton...

...because she wants to expose
her weather balloons.

Carlton, I think
Geoffrey's baking cookies.

Oh, no, you don't.

Look, I'm gonna talk to Mr. Hefner
and put a stop to this.

My voice will be heard.
You must take me with you.

Sure.

- How can you let him come with us?
- Trust me, he ain't gonna say nothing.

Well, how can you be so sure?

Boy gets hot and bothered
talking to average-looking girls.

Five minutes at the Mansion,
he's gonna go into meltdown.

I can't believe it, girl.
Yo, it's just like the magazine.

Except the girls ain't got folds
in the middle and jokes on their back.

Carlton, stand up.

You're drooling on my pumps.

Come on, you guys.

My legs are like rubber.

Yeah, and your head is like a peanut.

What was it you wanted to say
to Mr. Hefner?

I want to tell him
how much I love this place.

Hey, look at that swimming pool.

I have never seen
so many people in one place...

...I wanted to give
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to.

Breathing okay?

- Hey, Hugh.
- Will, why are you shouting at me?

- I'm right next to you.
- Not you. Hugh.

- You who?
- Stop yodeling. Hugh Hefner.

- Excuse me.
- Hey, Mr. Hefner, what an honor.

I'm Will Smith.
This is my cousin Hilary.

Oh, a pleasure. Hilary Banks.

I'm glad you could make it.
Let me show you around.

- Oh, I'd be honored.
- Relax, guys.

Have some fun.
There are suits in the bathhouse.

Yeah.

You def, Hef.

Why didn't you introduce me?

Hey, Carlton, I gotta be honest, man,
I forgot you was even here.

Oh, that's just great.

Hey, Will, isn't that Jazz?

Jazz, what are you doing here?

I'm on the list.

They think I'm the black dude
from Mod Squad.

Would you like to have dinner
with the children?

- Yes, that would be nice, Geoffrey.
- Too bad. They're not here.

Then why did you bring it up?

If you don't care where
your children are, sir, neither do I.

Okay, where are they?

Sir...

...I could never betray
their confidence.

They're at the Playboy Mansion.

All except young Ashley.
She's upstairs with her boyfriend.

- That one's on the house.
- Vivian!

Vivian! Vivian!

Oh, Philip, did you call me?

- Do you know where your children are?
- Sure, they're at the Playboy Mansion.

How come you knew that
and I didn't?

- Because they talk to me.
- Why don't they talk to me?

Because you don't listen. Every time...

So, baby, what you doing
after the party?

Actually, I'll be in surgery.

Looks like everything
on that body is in working order.

I'll be performing surgery.
I'm a doctor.

Well, doc, you can check me
out anytime, trust me.

I'm a cardiologist.
You need a pediatrician.

Miss March, right? I didn't recognize you
with your clothes on.

Don't tell me, don't tell me,
don't tell me. Turn-ons:

Fast cars, shrimp bouillabaisse
and Indian quilts, right?

Very impressive.

- Now, do you remember my turnoffs?
- Do I?

Hairy backs, smokers...

...and abrasive young men
who don't know when to shut up.

Bingo.

Girl, what would it take for a guy
like me to get next to a girl like you?

Five years and six figures.

Thank you very much.

So tell me about yourself.

I have a boyfriend
who plays on the Lakers.

I suppose your boyfriend's
a tackle for the Rams, huh?

No, the Raiders.

Get away from me.

Hey, Will. Hey, this place is great.

I've got two numbers...

...and if I play my cards right,
I think she'll give me the other five.

I don't think I'm gonna hang around
to find out.

Being here helped me
realize how important Jackie...

Bunny hop!

...really is to me.

- What do you think you're doing?
- The bunny hop.

Where's your sister?

She went to Malibu with the weather
girls to have their pictures taken.

Go wait in the car, Carlton.

But I was just gonna go talk
to Mr. Hefner about Hilary...

Go get in the car, Carlton.

I really wanna thank you for taking
the time to talk to me, Mr. Hefner.

Well, it's always a pleasure
to talk to a long-time subscriber.

My man, Linc.

I wanna cut right to the chase here.

It's about my daughter
posing for your magazine.

I mean, well, how would
you feel if your daughter...

...got involved in this whole world?

Well, my daughter is involved
in this whole world.

She runs the Playboy empire.

Okay, let's try this a different way.

Well, look, suppose somebody
that you really care about...

...like your wife,
suppose she decided to pose?

Well, my wife
was the Playmate of the Year...

...and I'm very proud of her.

Don't you understand...

...there are some parents who are
not comfortable with their daughters...

...being stared at
by millions of people?

I understand
where you're coming from.

Look, over the years,
I've had to deal with a lot of parents.

You seem like a good man.

Let me put it this way: I promise you,
the pictures will be tasteful.

Tasteful?

Oh, yeah, right.
I know what that means.

Well, thank you very much.

Jackie, you're here.

Will, I thought you were sick.

Oh, yeah, I was.

You know, I...
At least I thought I was.

You know, actually, I had
an allergic reaction...

...to bunnies.

So, say, what's up with that date?

I'm sorry, Will, but when you cancelled
on me, I made plans to go to the movies.

Cool. Just call up your little girlfriend
and break them.

My " little girlfriend" is 6'2"
with a mustache.

What kind of monster are you?

A man is laying up in his deathbed,
and you go stepping out on him?

Hey, Will, you and me ain't all that.

Okay, okay, okay.
What are you doing after the movies?

I think that's between me and Tony.

- Okay, how about tomorrow night?
- I got basketball practice.

- Cool. I'll watch.
- You can't. You're working.

Mike called in sick. He probably has
what you thought you did.

- Okay, next Saturday night?
- Bachelorette party.

- Christmas?
- I'm going home to Philly.

Then New Year's Eve?
Groundhog Day?

Cinco de Mayo?

Rosh Hashanah?

- I hope you're proud of yourself, Vivian.
- What did I do?

Your daughter is somewhere
in Malibu stark naked.

What are you talking about?

She went and posed for Playboy,
and you encouraged her.

I did no such thing.

When I talked to her,
she hadn't made up her mind yet.

If anything pushed her
over the edge...

...it was your usual
"do it my way or else" charm.

Don't you start with me, Vivian.
No matter what I did, she's my daughter.

A daughter should obey her father.

In that case,
I never would've married you.

Oh, that was different.
Your father had it in for me.

What was it again
he didn't like about me?

It was a tie between your family
and your temper.

Well, I'll tell you one thing,
I sure don't miss him.

God rest his soul.

Sweetheart, listen.

Sometimes a parent has to step back
and let their child find their own way.

I'll be upstairs.

- Hi, Dad.
- Hi.

Daddy, I'm sorry,
but I've already had my pictures taken.

- It's all right.
- It was my choice and...

It's all right?

You're not a child anymore.

You're a beautiful woman.

Beautiful enough for
Playboy to ask...

...and woman enough
to make your own decisions.

No matter what, I still love you.

Oh, Daddy.

So when are your pictures
coming out?

They said in about two months.

You understand, of course,
I can't be here when they do.

Enter.

It's arrived, Uncle Phil.

I don't wanna see them.

It came in the mail today
with a personal letter from Mr. Hefner.

He thinks you should take a look at it.
So do I.

You can forget it, because I'm...

Oh, all right.

Look at that. She's covered up.

Hallelujah, she's covered up!

But this little girl is not.

- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.

You heard our father: No!

Carlton, what do you care?

Look, I will not be
publicly embarrassed...

...by a problem of delivering
my damn lines.

It won't happen, damn it.
It ain't gonna happen.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- I'm not gonna allow it.

- It's okay. It's okay.
- It's over!

It's all right, man!

- Let it go, man.
- It's over.

- It's okay.
- All right.