04x19 - You'd Better Shop Around

[bunniefuu]

Now, look, Uncle Phil,
we don't need nothing too fancy...

...as long as it's got
vibrating bucket seats...

...a refrigerated glove compartment
and a license plate that say:

Will, this car is for basic transportation,
not your indulgences.

That's right, big guy.

We want something that emphasizes
good sense over style and excitement.

How about a '94 you?

- There it is.
- Oh, okay.

Ta-da!

The all new Accountant BX.

It has the latest technology
in childproof door locks.

What are the honeys gonna say about
a dude cruising around in one of these?

They'll say, " Why, there goes
a thrifty, level-headed young man."

Yeah, right before they say,
"And I'll never have sex with him."

Afternoon, gentlemen.

- Philip Banks.
- Pete Fletcher. I'll be right with you.

Thanks, I think we found
what we're looking for.

Oh, good. I like a man
who knows what he wants.

Makes my job a whole lot easier.

Uncle Phil, you not
seriously considering...

...making me drive
this Carltonmobile, are you?

Son, when I was in college,
I drove a manure-brown '65 Dodge Dart.

So why you taking that out on me?

What a piece of junk.

Tow trucks used to follow me around
like vultures.

You deserve better, Uncle Phil.

- Perhaps.
- Don't listen to him, Dad. It's a trick.

Check this out, Uncle Phil.

You like that, right?

There you are, Uncle Phil,
25 years younger...

...thousands of pounds thinner...

...cruising the strip at Princeton.

Wind blowing
through your big old fro.

Honeys checking you out.

They're saying:

"There go Philip Banks,
he is a bad mamma jamma."

They waving at you, Uncle Phil.
Go ahead, go ahead, wave back.

It's okay, wave back. Go ahead.

Right on, sisters.

Dad, did I mention
that the all-new Accountant...

...gets 75 miles to the gallon?

To hell with the Accountant,
I want this.

Excellent choice, Mr. Banks.

Come on in the office,
we'll crunch some numbers.

All right.

Dad, Will just bamboozled you.

And that's the story we'll tell
your mother. Thanks, Will.

You bought a great car, Mr. Banks.

- Thanks for your business.
- No, no, thank you.

- Carlton.
- Someday.

- Will.
- Oh, yes, sir?

I believe this is yours.

Yo, a grand?

Yeah, well, that's the standard
commission for an Evader.

Oh, I forgot something.

What? Another zero?

Hey, hey.

Well, I can only pay commission
to someone who works for me.

Interested?

That sounds great, man.
I can't fade that, I'm still in school.

Well, good for you.
Forget I mentioned it.

What does a college kid need
with cash like this anyway?

Hey, hey, hey.
What you talking about?

Will, I believe you have the makings
of a super salesman, and together...

...we can make piles of money.

Of course, my pile would be bigger.

- How about Saturdays?
- Saturdays?

I tell you, throw a CD changer
in my uncle's Evader, you got a deal.

- Done. How about Sundays?
- You gotta give me some wire wheels.

- Holidays?
- Got to give a brother cellular for that.

"As you become more comfortable
as a salesman...

...you'll develop your own style."

Say, baby, with all that butt,
you might be needing a hatchback.

I'm gonna be so rich.

- Hi, Will.
- Oh, hey.

Hil, you mind
if I kick my sales rap on you?

Pretend you're buying a car.

No offense, Will, but I would never
buy a car from you.

Hil, we're pretending here.

You're not my cousin,
you're somebody else.

Oh, I get it. Okay.

Hi, I'm Will Smith.

And I'm the Baroness Natasha.

I am on holiday in your country with
my husband, the baron, and my lover...

...Gustav.

Okay, look, baroness,
I was wondering...

...if I could interest you
in a sporty new Evader?

- It has a V6 dual overhead...
- Yes, of course, I take six.

Gustav, pay the man.

You take jewels, yes?

Hey, thanks a lot, Hil.

My pleasure. Well, I'm off.

You most certainly are.

Look, G, I was wondering if my sales...

Peasant!

Hey, can I kick my sales rap
around with you?

Later. Your Aunt Viv and I are going
for a ride in Daddy's new toy.

- What is that?
- This is cruising music.

Al Green and the Isley Brothers.

- Sookie, sookie, now.
- Baby.

- Come in.
- Hey, hey.

Will, Will, Will. Man, congratulations.

Five cars in one day.
I've never seen anything like it.

Oh, yes, I have. Me.

Look, I'm telling you, boss,
it is the best feeling in the world.

Well, there's a close second.
You know what I'm talking about.

You know what I'm talking about.

Well, there'll be plenty
of time for that.

Now, if you feel good now,
take a look at your commission check.

I'm sorry, are my pants wet?

How many of your friends can say they
made that kind of money in one day?

What you mean, legally?

But it's a shame.

Tomorrow, when you're in
some chemistry class...

...learning about inert gases, someone
will be stealing your commissions.

- Now, that's where you're wrong.
- That's the spirit.

I don't take chemistry,
but I damn sure know math.

So you can figure
what a full-time check would be?

Yes, sir. Five times this,
carry the six, and add a zero.

- And what do you get?
- I get out of school.

Shake hands with
your new full-time man.

Whoomp, there it is.

Isn't this great?
Family fun and no Will.

- Your turn, son.
- Okay, to me.

"You're in a store and you find $50
on the ground. Do you pick it up?"

Of course not. Geoffrey picks it up.

- Your turn, Ash.
- Oh, okay, Daddy.

"It's clear your teenage daughter is
not enjoying the tedious board game...

...being played in a forced
family-bonding moment.

What do you do?"

Fine. I try to encourage family time
together, and this is the thanks I get.

If you don't wanna play,
you don't have to.

- Go on, get out of here!
- Philip.

That's what it says on the card.

Well, I'd ask if there was
something else she'd rather do...

...and discuss an alternative.

- Good answer, baby.
- Oh, I bet you feel like a big dummy.

Hey, hey, hey.
Yo, I tore up that sales chart today.

Well, congratulations, Will.

If you find something that excites you,
hold on to it.

That's what gets me through the day.

So, Uncle Phil,
what you're saying is that...

...if a guy finds a job that he likes,
he should give it his all.

Absolutely.

- Then I'm doing the right thing.
- Of course you are. What are you doing?

I'm thinking I'm gonna quit school
and sell cars full-time.

Boy, have you lost your damn mind?

There is no way you're gonna
quit school as long as I'm here.

Aunt Viv, it's not like I'm working fries
in some burger joint.

Look, I'm in a suit and a tie
and I'm selling fine cars.

That's right.

College isn't for everyone,
and if Will is happy...

...I think we should
all be happy for him.

That's right. Hey, thanks a lot, Ash.

Listen, I get my license in a few months.
You think you could hook me up?

Ashley, go to your room.

- Cherry red.
- I got you.

- You know.
- I got you, go ahead.

Your mother sent you here
so you could have a bright future.

You quit school,
you're throwing it all away.

- I won't allow that.
- See, now, that's not fair.

Hilary dropped out of school
and turned out great.

Hilary's success is contrary
to the laws of nature.

Totally inexplicable.

Oh, stop.

- Look, that was a bad example.
- Will, I think it's stupid...

- Stupid? It's not stupid.
- Hey. Hey!

Could we talk to Will
in private, please?

It's idiotic.

Look, Uncle Phil, you go to college
to figure out what you wanna do.

I mean, I found what I wanna do,
and it ain't taking me no four years.

Going to college
is not about finding a job.

It's also about finding yourself.

And the search should take
more than one weekend.

Why can't you guys respect my
decisions and treat me like an adult?

Okay, fine. I'm telling your mother.

Oh, Aunt Viv.

Look, Uncle Phil,
I got to do this, man.

All right, Will.

Hey, come on, man,
it's not the end of the world.

Yes, it is.

If I'd waited a few days, I could have
bought that car from you wholesale.

- Yo, what up, J?
- Yo.

I need to ask you a favor.

I need a car with a back seat.

Jazz, I can't just give you a car
to take off the lot, man.

Who said anything
about leaving the lot?

This will do just fine.

Get out. Get out!

Come on, Ophelia.

That's all right,
I have a real friend at the bus depot.

Well, this is impressive, man.

Twelve units in your first week.

You realize I have people on my staff
who don't sell 12 cars in a year?

Well, they in the wrong business.

So you think I should fire Harrison,
do you?

- I didn't say that.
- Well, you're wrong.

- Good.
- You should fire him.

- What? Me?
- Yes.

Because I think you're
excellent management material.

Here, sit down.

Put your feet up.

Good. See? Looks good on you.

Yeah. Feels nice on my butt too.

Imported cigar?

- Lf that's all you got.
- Yeah.

Bite the end off.

I'm not too sure
about this f*ring thing, man.

Will, Harrison's been
sliding downhill for years.

His sales record is embarrassing.

Especially when compared
to a mover like you.

Go ahead, put him out of his misery.
It's the only humane thing to do.

This chair is made out
of leather, isn't it?

All right, all right.

Say, Harrison, you got a second, man?

Sure, I'm just doing some paperwork.

You know, some nights I can barely
tear myself away from this desk.

Maybe you can take it with you.

- Look, Harrison...
- Don't get me wrong.

Did you know I have six kids?

No, I didn't know that. Hey.

You know, I bet you'd love to spend
more time with them, wouldn't you?

Sure, especially since Mary d*ed.

I'll be right back.

Yo, man, did you know Harrison
has six kids and a dead wife?

Of course I know.

He's my brother.

- See, now, that's cold, man.
- No, Will, that's business.

When you're the manager,
you make the tough decisions.

I don't know, man.
f*ring people ain't fun.

It's an acquired taste. You'll learn it.

I have faith in you.

I don't know, man.

That's it, you're out of here, come on.
Don't be eyeballing me neither.

Get on, come on.

Get on!

And wash those shirts.
Especially you.

That's three less mechanics
to worry about.

Great. Tomorrow,
we hit the parts department.

- Yes, sir.
- I'll buy you a steak.

All right.

Hey, hey, hey.
Come on, man, you missed a spot.

You're fired!

Fired!

Now, look, the bottom line is,
he wasn't producing.

Now, in this business,
you either cut it or you don't.

And he didn't.

So y'all can take
your bellyaching elsewhere...

...because it's falling on deaf ears.

Get on out of here
before I have to take my belt off.

Yo!

Oh, that's funny?
Y'all think that's funny?

What were my nieces
and nephews doing here?

Yeah, they were coming to plead
your brother Harrison's job.

I guess none of them
good salesmen either, huh?

You're beginning to scare me.
Can I adopt you?

Hey, Pete, do you remember
November 6, 1987?

How can I forget?

That's the day I set the sales record
for the entire Southern California area.

I sold 11 cars.

Well, 10. One of them
had an exploding gas t*nk.

As far as I'm concerned, once
they leave the showroom, it's a sale.

Well, that don't matter,
because today I'm gonna sell 15.

Nobody can sell 15 cars.

- Will Smith can sell 15 cars.
- Oh, yeah?

Why don't you try your hand
at that angry sister that just came in.

Yo, man, that's my mom.

So what? A sale's a sale.

Hey, Ma.

Boy, where do you get off
dropping out of school?

- Mrs. Smith, if I may interject...
- Who the hell are you?

Mom, this is my boss.
This is Mr. Fletcher.

So you're the snake
that lured my boy...

...from that fine institute
of higher learning.

Mrs. Smith, your son has
a bright and productive future...

...here at Mulholland Motors.

Oh, really?
You ever been b*at up by a woman?

Not without having paid for it.

Will, I'll be in my office hiding
under the desk if you need me.

Now, Mom, listen.

For the first time in my life...

...I found something
that I'm good at and that I enjoy.

- It feels good, Mom.
- Oh, yeah?

- Does this feel good?
- Mom.

- Which way is that college?
- Mom.

- Mom!
- Let's go.

This doesn't feel good, Mom.

My commission!

This fat-free cake isn't bad.

Sir, that's a sponge.

Well, I guess I'll start
my homework now.

I got a lot of studying to do...

...if I expect to make the best
of this wonderful opportunity...

...to get my college education!

Will, your mother's not here.

She went out to dinner
with your Aunt Viv.

Oh, she better had.

Will, I'm sorry we had to
involve her in this...

...but you really left us no choice.

How in the world did she get
the college to readmit you?

She threatened to enroll herself.

We're all glad you finally came
to your senses.

You have plenty of time to figure out
what you wanna do with your life.

And being a car salesman didn't exactly
bring out your most endearing qualities.

Uncle Phil, I was getting paid, man.

Will, what you do for a living...

...should provide you with a sense
of pride and personal fulfillment.

It should tap into that part of you...

...that has something valuable
to give to the world.

Shouldn't be just about money.

- You really believe that, Uncle Phil?
- Yes, son, I do.

Then how do you explain
being a lawyer?

I'm going to get
another piece of sponge.

How in the world did she get
the college to readmit you?

She threatened to enroll herself.

Well, we're all gla...

Well, we're all glad you came
to your senses.

You have plenty of time to figure out
what you wanna do with your life.

And being a car salesman
didn't exactly promote your... * * * *.

It didn't promote...?

Excuse me. It's people from the Lord.

There's people of the Lord
in the audience.

Well, it ain't like they ain't never
used that word.

We sorry.

See... See, James Avery...

See, he's a heathen.

- He's just a heathen.
- Amen.

He's a blasphemer.

Here we go.