04x20 - The Ol' Ball and Chain

[bunniefuu]

[instrumental music]

Hey, my brother.

I just came back
from the free clinic

and guess what I got?

What, man?

The phone number of
those two nurses we met.

Yo, the twins that
sleep in the same bed?

With some luck, we could put
an end to that streak.

You're the man.

Oh, hey, Phillipe, I need
you to cover my next shift.

Actually, cover
my next three shifts.

You know
how demanding twins can be.

Yes, my brother,
it's going to be some night.

Oh, wait. I just remembered.
I can't go.

- Well, why not?
- I'm getting married.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're moving with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

What do you mean
you're getting married?

Her name is Jewel Robinson.

I saw her on "Cops," getting
busted for grand theft auto.

Jazz, the woman's a convict?

We prefer the term
freedom impaired.

Hmm, how about the term

not playing with
a full cell block?

You don't understand, man.

Jewel makes
my life complete.

See, I know you look
at me and you say

"Damn!
That Jazz has it all."

But the truth is

behind these shades
there's a big, empty hole.

Well, that's for damn sure.

And I was going
to make you my best man.

Oh, really?
Your best man?

Well, you are
my best friend

and all my other friends just
pretend to like me for my money.

That's because
you owe it to 'em.

The ceremony's at the
Women's Correctional Institution

next Tuesday.

Whoa, whoa, Jazz, you..

You're getting
married at the prison?

Why not? It's free.

We follow a execution.

Jazz, ain't no homie of mine

getting married up
in no prison.

Well, unless you got
a rich uncle or something

that's how it's got to be.

♪ Bad boys bad boys
whatcha gonna do? ♪

♪ Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you? ♪

♪ Bad boys bad boys
whatcha gonna do? ♪

There she is, Jewel Robinson

number 54820,
out of Folsom Prison.

Crime, grand theft auto.
Time served, two years.

Let's take a look
at the video tape.

(male #1 on TV)
'Officer down! Officer down!
We need backup!'

(male #2 on TV)
'Get her off of me!
She's biting my.. Oh!'

Has Jazz lost his mind?
I mean, woof!

What's wrong with her face?

Sweetheart, it's
electronically scrambled.

Whatever. I just hope she's
not toying with Jazz's emotions.

I'd hate to see a sweet guy
like that get hurt.

Honey, up till today

you've never had
a nice thing to say about Jazz.

Up till today,
Jazz was available.

Now that he's getting
married,
well forbidden fruit

always looks more tempting,
doesn't it?

Mother, for God's sake,
he's half your age.

Well, I'm happy for Jazz.
I think it is so romantic.

I give it three weeks.

The marriage or her parole?

[laughing]

Yo, whoa, whoa. That's not
funny. Jazz is my best friend.

Was. Be prepared, Will.

Marriage brings
about new priorities.

You may find that
Jazz has less time

to spend with you
once he's taken a wife.

Oh, please,
ain't no way Jazz nor me

gonna let some honey
come in between us.

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

When I married Vivian
I lost all my friends.

Isn't that right, honey?

Ah...but, uh, you know

but it wasn't like
I was gonna need 'em.

After all, I wasn't
gonna have any fun anymore.

Ah...uh, honey.

Ah, uh, sweetheart.

Ah, uh, uh, baby, uh..

Man, Uncle Phil, I knew you had
a man-sized appetite

but both feet?

Don't worry, daddy.
I'll run damage control.

Thank you.

Hey, well, look, I don't even
care. Look, Jazz is in love.

And I'm gonna make sure that
he has the best wedding ever

even if I got
to pay for it myself.

I mean, even though I am
just a poor black man

trying to get my edumacation.

Forget it, Will. I am not
shelling out for Jazz's wedding.

Oh-oh, please, n-now
I seem to remember

a rather large relative
of mine saying that

"If Jazz would
just find some bimbo

"to get his mind
off of Hilary

I'd be more than happy
to pay for the wedding."

Uh, oh, well, now..

Way to go, Judge Banks.

You pretend
to uphold the law

but you're gonna renege
on a verbal contract?

Well...well,
she is a convict.

I could call it a rehabilitation
party and write if off.

Hey, check it out.
You're a judge.

You can perform the
ceremony.
Pay yourself 25 bucks.

- Fifty.
- I don't care.

Pay yourself a 100.
It's your money.

That's right.

[Will imitating a woman]
'Oh, I've finally found
the man of my dreams.'

'Marry me, Carlton.'

Very funny, Will

but while you're
playing with dolls

I'll be securing
the premises.

I mean, we are gonna
have a convict in the house.

Hey, look, Jazz,
would you relax, man?

I can't help myself, Will.
Not with Jewel due any minute.

Oh, is she pregnant too?

Of course not.

I have the deepest
respect for her, Mr. Banks.

She's a class act.

Somebody wants to know
where the bride is registered.

Gillespie Liquors.

[doorbell rings]

She's here.
She's here! She's here!

(Philip)
Carlton!

I also put my diamond cufflinks
in a balloon and swallowed them.

That's more than I ever
wanted
to know about you, Carlton.

Okay, everybody, just relax.

[giggling]
Well, hi there, Mr. Man.

You like my dress?

Hilary, will you get out of
my way? You're blocking my view.

Ms. Jewel Robinson.

- Jazzy!
- Munchkin!

There's a lot to be said

for a woman who's been
in prison a long time.

Hey.

Yo.

Hello in there!

[panting]

Munchkin, these are
the lovely people

who've opened their home
and their wallet to us.

Hey, I'm Will,
the best man.

Oh, yeah? As far as I can
see,
this here is the best man.

I love this bony butt.

And it loves you too, my pet.

Carlton Banks here.

I suppose you noticed
our fine collection

of European autos
in our driveway.

I also noticed
you have a very small head.

Hey.

Don't mind him.

We are very happy
to have you in our home.

Thanks.

And I guess it's true
what they say

"You can't buy good taste."

Hey.

Now, which one of you
is the desperately

stuck-up, self-centered,
clothes horse?

Guilty.

Now just a minute,
young lady.

I'm sorry.

You see, the prison
therapist says

that I should say
what's on my mind

and not keep
too much bottled up.

Otherwise I'd, you know,
go out and do something stupid

like hot-wiring a Lexus.

Although it did
get me on prime time.

Capturing the hearts
of viewers everywhere.

I just wanna say,
if you ever hurt him

I'll hunt you down like the dog
that you are and k*ll you.

Well, gotta go shop
for your present.

Beautiful and nuts.
You must be very proud.

I guess.

Well, hey, look,
I've-I've got an idea.

Jazz, why don't you take Jewel
into the kitchen

and get her, get her some grub.

That's if tubby here
hasn't eaten it all.

[instrumental music]

[knocking on door]

Come in.
Just trying on my wedding dress.

Hey, Jewel, I just
wanted to come and check

and see if there's any
last-minute things you needed.

You know, a cup of coffee,
a blood test.

Actually, I thought I'd see if
you could live up to your title.

You know, best man.

Oh, what'd you
have in mind?

Could you help
me with this?

Oh, it's already
zipped up.

I know.
I want you to zip it down.

Um...I don't think
that's a good idea.

Um, listen, oh, my cousin
Hilary is right down the hall.

- I'm gonna get Hilary.
- Will, quit messing around.

Come on. I gotta take a shower
and do my hair. Now, hurry up.

Y-you know, if-if, if somebody

was-was to walk
in here right now..

...they, they might think
you was hittin' on me.

Trust me, if I was hittin'
on you, you'd know it.

Really?

How?

Okay. You made your point.

[instrumental music]

(Will)
Uncle Phil, you busy?

What's on your mind, Will?

Um...Jewel kissed me.

It's customary
to kiss the bride.

Oh, no, no, no,

Uncle Phil, this was like
one of them "Fatal
Attraction"

elevator scene kisses.

You know what I'm saying?
You know?

Oh, come on.
You're exaggerating, Will.

Listen, listen,
Uncle Phil, I'm telling you.

I went up to the room to see
if she needed anything, alright?

She kissed me on my lips,
alright?

She jumped on me,
and she was stuck on me.

And I was trying to shake her
off, but I couldn't get her off.

She was like a, like a
little naked Velcro midget.

What am I gonna do, Uncle Phil?

I guess, you've only
got two choices.

You can either tell Jazz or not.

And you're a judge, right?

Well, maybe this
story will help you.

You know, when I was younger,
I was a pretty sexy guy.

Look, if you're not gonna
take
this seriously, Uncle Phil..

Do you wanna
hear this story?

[sighing]

Okay, I was driving
home from a party

with my buddy
and his girlfriend.

Now, my buddy fell asleep.

The next thing I know

she leans across
and fastens my seat belt.

You know what I'm saying?
You know?

Please don't do that,
Uncle Phil.

Sorry.

Anyway, I figured
that our friendship

was strong enough to stand
the truth, so we went for a beer

and I told him everything
that happened.

Well, did-did he thank you?

Oh, yeah.

With a barstool
on the head.

Well, well, I mean,
Jazz ain't the violent type.

I don't think.

Well, the point is,
to be a good friend

you have to risk
losing a good friend.

[sighs]

I think I know what I gotta do.

What's that?

I got to find somebody else
to talk to about this.

[knocking on door]

Hey, Jazz.

How's it going, man?

How's it going? This is
the best day of my life.

Did I thank you for everything
you've done for me and Jewel?

Well, not everything.

I hope you two will be close.

She touched me, Will.

And I know she'll
touch you too.

Um, yeah, listen,
a-actually, Jazz

that's-that's kinda what
I wanted to talk to you about.

See, listen, last night--

She told you
about our decision?

- What decision?
- The one we made last
night.

We're gonna have ten kids.

One for every
month of the year.

And we're gonna name
them all after you.

Jazz, hey, you-you
ain't got to do that, man.

Okay, then.
We'll name them Earl.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
that's cool, Jazz.

See, me and Jewel,
we got this crazy dream.

We're gonna keep our kids
out of reform school.

Listen, Jazz--

See, Will,
I don't know how long

this happiness
is gonna last.

If it's for just one day

it's more than
I've ever known before.

So, what did you wanna
talk to me about?

Oh, I-I just wanted
to thank you

for-for picking out these lovely
yellow and greenensembles.

You're welcome.

[instrumental music]

Cell block 41 has arrived.

Welcome, ladies.

Uh, please take a moment
to sign our guest book.

And now, if I could
just have your thumb..

You know, I resent being
treated like a common thief.

Well, you do, do you?

Well, what kind
of cold-hearted

viscous, evil crime
did you commit?

Securities fraud.

Really?
An inside trader?

So, are you here alone?

Ladies and gentlemen, if you'd
all please take your seats.

And, uh, I want to thank you

for attending this
wonderful occasion.

It's a pretty nice
turnout, huh, Uncle Phil?

Are you kidding?
Jazz ain't got no friends.

I hired these people.

Ashley?

[instrumental music]

- Dearly beloved--
- Stop the wedding!

You can't marry her, Jazz.

We're not cousins, are we?

Hilary,
what's the meaning of this?

I'm in love with him.

Oh, my God. What am I saying?

I'm going to go lie down.

[chuckles]
May I continue?

We are gathered together
to join this man

and this woman in matrimony.

'If there's anyone
here who knows'

'why they shouldn't
be joined together'

let them speak now
or forever hold their peace.

[clears throat]

Some friend you are.

I'm sorry, Jazzy.
We can't get married.

- Munchkin!
- Jazz!

Freeze!

Munchkin, please!

What about all our guests,
and-and-and all the gifts?

I ain't never owned
anything that still had

the serial number on it.

Jazzy, I'm sorry.
It just wouldn't work.

Will, see if you
could talk to her.

Jazz, I can't..

For little Earl's sake.

Listen, Jewel,
you cannot do this to Jazz.

Alright?
Marry him, okay?

You guys can just leave
the state and put me behind you.

Will, I can't.

You have to.

No, really, I can't.
I'm on parole.

I'm not allowed
to leave the state.

Damn these good looks of mine!

Listen, now, now, Jewel,
I know it's hard, okay?

But-but you got to
look beyond this charming

sexy exterior, okay?

'You got to see
the real Will Smith.'

I'm-I'm-I'm irresponsible,
I'm unreliable, I'm immature.

Egotistical, self-centered.

Yeah, yeah, that's it!

Conceited,
thick-headed, spoiled.

O-okay. That's fine.

And on top of that, you
ain't
even that good-looking.

Then, why you want me so bad?

I don't want you.

I only came on to you
'cause I figured you'd tell Jazz

and then he'd call
the whole thing off.

But you couldn't even do that.

I kissed you for nothing.

Well, damn.

Will, I've never met anybody

who cares for me
as much as Jazz does.

You know, whenever we go
to a nice restaurant

he carries my tray.

And when it's time to
skip out on the check

he always holds open
the bathroom window for me.

Well, that's Jazz for you.

Can't you see?

I don't deserve a man like him.

I mean, look what
he's done for me.

Beautiful wedding gown.

Getting married
in a Bel-Air mansion.

Do you know where
my mama was married?

No, where?

I don't know.
I was hoping you did.

Uh, Jewel,
believe me when I tell you

you and Jazz are
made for each other.

Listen, trust me,
I've known Jazz a long time

and you are the best
thing to ever happen to him.

Will, I'm scared.

What if it doesn't work out?

It will.

But what if it doesn't?

It will.

- But-but what if it doesn't?
- It will!

Now, look, get in there
and marry that boy.

Thanks.

[instrumental music]

Okay. Let's get a sh*t
of the bridesmaids.

[camera clicks]

[camera clicks]

Okay. We're back, we're
back.
Everything's okay.

Bride just got a little nervous,
but who wouldn't, marrying Jazz?

May I continue?

- Please do.
- 'Good.'

The bride and groom have
prepared their own vows.

Jazz?

You are one jewel
I never want to hock.

Sometimes I want to bite you
to see if you're really real.

If love was craps,
you'd be a seven..

...if it was
on the first roll.

But if it was on the second
roll and say the point was six

you'd be a six.

No, actually you'd be a nine
'cause I play the field

on the second roll
and make a couple extra bucks.

Then you'd be a six on the third
roll and then I'd clean up.

I think you know
what I'm trying to say.

I love you,
and you make me feel lucky.

And now, Jewel.

I love you, Jazzy

and I wanna
be with you always.

Thank you for setting
this little jailbird free.

Body, mind and spirit.

Baby, I love you.

Alright, alright, alright.
Alright, alright, alright.

Do you, Jazz, take this woman
to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Oh, yeah.

Do you, Jewel, take this man to
be your lawfully wedded husband?

Oh, yeah.

By the powers vested in me

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

[applauding]

[instrumental music]

Okay. Um..

Jewel, Jewel,
Jewel, Jewel, get off me.

Hey-hey, Jewel,
I ain't-I ain't playing.

G-g-get off me, Jewel.

Get off of me, Jewel!

(Will)
Okay. You made your point.