06x07 - Not with My Cousin You Don't

Episode transcripts for the TV show "The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air". Aired September 10, 1990 - May 20, 1996.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Will's mom sends him away from his rough Philadelphia neighborhood to live with wealthy Uncle Phil and Aunt Vivian in Bel-Air.
Post Reply

06x07 - Not with My Cousin You Don't

Post by bunniefuu »

[laughing]

- Aw.
- Aw.

[yawns]

[laughing]

Stop.

Why?

Derek, stop.

Okay.

Why'd you stop?

I lost my head.

You know, Ash, it's been
great
being back in town

visiting all the colleges.

But the best part
has been being with you.

Tsk. Oh.

I miss you.

Me, too.

Sixteen years on the same street

and you had to blow it
by moving.

Hey, if I don't get into
Stanford, I'll go to ULA.

And then I'll be around
all the time.

Derek, you'll get in. You're too
smart. I wish you were dumber.

I'd have a boyfriend again.

Hey, you never stopped
having one.

You're saying that
'cause you like me.

No. I'm saying that
'cause I love you.

Aw!

Look at you two.

Almost a year apart and you two
lovebirds haven't missed a b*at.

- Will, look--
- Not another word.

I'm not gonna disturb you.

I'm gonna just go in the kitchen

and get me a little beverage

or something.

[camera shutter clicks]

Although, these are the moments
of your life.

- Will.
- Oh, no, no, yo-you're right.

You guys are grown adults,
and, you know, I don't have

no business disrespecting
you like this.

I'm sorry.
I'm gonna just go away.

[camera shutter clicks]

- I'm sorry.
- Hey.

I got something for you.

- Oh, Derek, what is it?
- Just open it.

Oh, a little horse.

Yep. That's from when we rode
the carousel down at the
pier.

That's when we first held hands.

Unh-unh-unh.

Oh, my God,
a little rollerblade.

Eh? Remember when we went
roller skating down in
Venice?

That's when we first kissed.

Derek, this is so sweet.
I can't believe you did this.

You know, we've had
a lot of firsts together.

I know.

You know, Ashley, there's
a..

There's another first
I think we should do
together.

Really? What?

Well, I love you, Ashley,
and I think we should make love.

Together?

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life
got flipped ♪

♪ Turned upside-down
and I'd like to take a minute ♪

♪ Just sit right there I'll tell
you how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxing all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're moving with
your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab ♪

♪ And when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh ♪

♪ And it had dice
in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say ♪

♪ That this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it ♪

♪ Yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪♪

[instrumental music]

Good morning, Geoffrey.

Playing dress-up again,
Master Carlton?

For your information,
I'm installing

the new intercom system.

You?

[laughing]

Yuck it up, Brit boy, but
remember, he who laughs last..

[electricity crackling]

Laughs best.

[laughing]

You know, I kind of remember him
being taller.

Really? I don't.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

Excuse me, Carlton.

I'm gonna let that one slide,
young man.

Obviously, you've fallen in
with a bad element.

Hey, yo, Derek, man,
I'm telling you, you'd love ULA.

You gotta come down
and check it out.

Me and my man,
we call it the Hive.

Because the honeys be swarming.

- Can you hear me?
- Oh.

Can you hear me?

Oh, hi, Derek.

Oh, hi, Ashley.

That's disgusting.

No. Actually, Carlton,
that's a kiss.

If you're lucky,
one day you'll experience one.

Very funny. By the way, Will,
I just got a call from Oz

the wizard said
your brain is ready.

So, Ash, we're still on
for tonight, right?

Uh, yeah.

What are you, tripping, man?
She can't say no to you.

- Will..
- What?

That's great. Look,
I gotta go do a couple errands.

- I'm out of here.
- Okay. Bye.

I'm watching you, mister.

Really? Let me help you.

[chuckles]

I never liked the cut
of that boy's jib.

I'm not sure
you should be admitting

you've been looking
at that boy's jib.

[instrumental music]

- Hi, dad.
- Hi, baby.

- Um, has mom called yet?
- Yeah, you just missed her.

Is there something
I can help you with?

No. No. I-I just wanted to see

how her conference was going.

I had a question about, uh..

...um, makeup.

Makeup?

Keep away from that
blue eye shadow.

[laughing]

Great. Thanks, dad.

Oh, Hilary, can I talk to
you
for a minute?

Not now, Ash,
my show starts in five minutes.

Uh-oh. Big-sister radar.

It's important, isn't it?

I can tell. I have, like, a
third sense about these things.

Hilary, do you remember the
first time you fell in love?

Oh, this is important.

Come. Come. Come.

Sit. Sit. Sit.

It was Lawrence Young, the most
beautiful man at Bel-Air prep.

Oh! To put it simply,
he was a God.

He had been held back three
years, so he was really buff.

Oh, he had the most amazing--

Hilary, I, I get the
picture.

Oh, Ashley, are you in love?

I think so.
I feel like Derek's the one.

I don't think I'll ever feel
this way about anybody else.

Oh, Ash, I am so happy for you.

But long-distance relationships
don't usually work out.

I mean, look at
the Little Mermaid.

I mean, she was stuck in the sea
and he was stuck on land.

But they ended up together.

Yeah, with the help of
a lobster. You know a lobster?

Look, Hilary,
Derek and I have been
spending

a lot of time together and
we really care about each other.

And last night,
the subject came up about, um..

...uh, sex.

Oh.

- Oh, did you?
- No, no.

No.

But I've been thinking about it

and...I-I just wanna know

how you know if--

I can just tell you that for me

Lawrence and I really loved
each other

and we both felt that
we were able to make

a responsible decision.

We decided that the time
was right.

Any regrets?

Didn't I tell you he was buff?
Hello.

[laughing]

But, I mean, Hilary,
weren't you scared?

Of course, everyone is.
But I was ready.

And only you know
if you're ready or not.

Ashley, for as long as
I can remember

you have been independent

responsible and smart.

Now, I know you're aware
of all the issues

and whatever decision you do
make, I'm always here for you.

Thank you, Hilary.

Oh.

Now I know how mom felt
when we had this talk.

What did daddy say
when you told him?

Are you kidding?
He still thinks I'm a virgin.

[laughing]

[instrumental music]

Okay, what do you think?

- Nope.
- Nope.

Well, if you guys don't pick
one, I'll be going on this date

wearing a headband.

I'm sure Derek wouldn't
mind.

Keesha, he's not like that.

He says we're soul mates.

I don't know what I'm gonna do
when he leaves.

I miss him already.

Somebody is in love.

[laughing]

So, um, are you guys, you know..

No.

Have you guys ever..

- Nope.
- Nope.

But it sounds like
you're getting close.

Well, all I know is when Derek
and I make love

it'll be special.

- When?
- If.

Will, the new intercom system
is working like gangbusters.

Now we can talk to one
another
from different rooms.

Carlton, I don't wanna talk to
you when we're in the same room.

Check out the exciting
new roam feature.

Let's listen to my room.

Well, all's quiet in there.

Ooh, there's a surprise.

Subject, Geoffrey's room.

(Geoffrey over intercom)
'I wonder how I'd look
if I shaved my entire body.'

Changing channels.

(Keesha over intercom)
'If you and Derek have sex,
you'll be the first one'

'in our group
to lose her virginity.'

Derek is leaving tomorrow.
So are you gonna do it?

Keesha, it's not "doing it."
It's making love.

(Ashley over intercom)
'And, yes, I think we're gonna
do it tonight.'

[both screaming]

[both screaming]

[instrumental music]

Oh, my God.
What are we gonna do?

This is what we're gonna do,
we're gonna stop listening.

You're right. Enough listening,
time for action.

She needs de-programming.
We'll make her watch movies.

Lots of movies.
Doris Day movies.

Now, there's a good
wholesome role model.

♪ Que sera sera ♪

♪ Whatever will be will be ♪♪

Wait a minute.
"Whatever will be, will be?"

What kind of devil-may-care
message is that?

- The slut.
- Okay, Carlton. Carlton.

Look, you need to calm down,
alright?

Look, we need to find a
Yellow
Pages. I'm calling a nunnery.

It's late, so I'll need
a 24-hour one.

Carlton, man,
we ain't even Catholic.

Oh! Would you have
an open mind?

Carlton, are you listening
to yourself?

I don't have time for that.

I know, we'll do the
good-cop,
bad-cop thing.

I mean, I'm her brother,
so it's only appropriate

that I play the bad cop.

- No, Carlton.
- Okay, you big baby.

You can be the bad cop.

- Let's move.
- Carlton.

Carlton.

[grunts]

What is..
What is wrong with you?

- Would you unhand me?
- What are you gonna do?

You gonna go upstairs
and make a fool out of yourself?

If need be. Someone has to stop
the insanity.

This is all your fault.

"Ashley could never say no
to you."

I told you I didn't
like the cut of his jib.

Now, are you gonna be
the bad cop or not?

- Look, Carlton--
- Oh!

Come here. Now, listen,
ain't nobody gonna be no cop

and ain't nobody going upstairs
because we wasn't

suppose to hear what she said
in the first place.

Need I remind you there are
demons out there that go

by the name of sexually
transmitted diseases

risk of pregnancy,
improper use of a condom?

And you'd have us do
nothing?

Listen, I didn't say we ain't
gonna do nothing, alright?

Well, then what do you
propose
we do?

Well, you'll know as soon as
I can figure out..

[screams]

- How y'all doing?
- Hi.

- Is Derek here yet?
- Oh.

- He ain't coming.
- What?

Yeah, it was, it was, um

a big accident,
you know, out-out on the 605.

Yeah, a jackknifed big rig

you know, spilled out
a big load of, uh..


Jackknives.

- Hey, everybody, what's up?
- Hey! What's happening?

Thank God you're alive.

- We're gonna take off, okay?
- Okay.

- Have fun.
- See you, guys. Bye.

I'm gonna go get a sweater.
I'll be right back down.

Alright, yeah, Ashley,
that's a good idea.

Go get a sweater.
You know, to..

- So, Derek, what's up, man?
- What's up, man?

Hey, you think
me and Carlton can

have a word with you
for a second here?

What's going on?

We're asking the questions here,
pally.

So, Derek,
you know about football?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, you do?

Or, yeah, you don't?

Are you familiar
with the term "offsides?"

Oh, yeah. That's when somebody
crosses the line too soon.

- Exactly.
- Exactly.

So I can see you know what
I'm
talking about here then, bro.

No.

No, you do?

Or, no, you don't?

Carlton.

Let's put it this way.

You're rounding third base
and you're headed for home.

You're excited because you think
you're about to score easy.

But here's the problem.

You're in a visitor's ballpark

and if you do score

the angry fans might not be able
to be held responsible

for their actions.

And it's bat night.

Alright, are you two in trouble
with a bookie or something?

For Pete's sake, let's stop
b*ating around the bush.

Hey, man.

You're playing chess,
your rook has been
blindsided

by the queen's gambit.

You can play honorably,
leave your bishop at home

but protect your queen's virtue
or you can take the sleazy road

and castle your king
and go right for the mate.

And it's bat night.

Do I make myself clear?

- Ready to go, Derek?
- Oh, hey! What's up?

We were just saying hi.

- Definitely. Let's go.
- Okay.

Oh, Carlton? Why don't you,
uh, take Derek outside

see if his lights and his horns
and stuff is working on the car?

I'm gonna talk to Ashley.

My lights? Wha..

Will, that's enough.
Now, what's going on?

What's going on? That's a
very
intelligent question, Ashley.

"What's Going On?"
That's a Marvin Gaye song
too.

Goodnight, Will.

Ashley, no!

[sobbing]
Ashley, don't do it.

Do what?

Me and Carlton were roaming
on this stupid intercom

and we roamed right into
your conversation

and we-we heard what you said
about you and Derek.

You were spying on me?

Ashley, no-now spying,
that's such an ugly word.

We-we were roaming.

I can't believe you guys invaded

my privacy like that.

Oh, but-but, but, Ashley--

First of all, how dare you

listen to my conversation?

Second of all,
it is none of your business.

- None of my business?
- Right.

This is my life.
I decide what I do or don't do.

[sighs]
You know, I would expect this
from Carlton..

...but not you.

Uh..

[instrumental music]

Honey, you haven't said a
word
all the way up here.

- Did I do something?
- Oh, no, no, no.

So, what's going on?

Carlton and Will listened to me
and my friends

having a really
private conversation.

- Oh, really?
- Yeah.

They heard me saying some things

that I just didn't
want them to hear.

- Like what?
- Just some stuff.

Well, what kind of stuff?

Stuff about, um, me and you.

Oh, good stuff?

Yeah.

They heard me telling my friends
that, um..

...that I wanted you to be
my first.

Did you mean that?

You think you're ready?

Well, if you are.

- Are you?
- Sure. Uh..

I guess.

Ashley, it sounds to me
like you're not too sure.

Well...does it bother you
that you're leaving tomorrow?

Well, yeah.

Does it bother you?

I think it does.

Would you rather not do this?

Well, I just never thought
my first time would be

with someone who was leaving me.

What if we never see
each other again?

Ash, we'll see each other again.

Then we really don't
have to rush.

I'm sorry.

Baby, you don't have to
apologize to me.

[sighs]

So, what do you wanna do now?

I don't know.
Miniature golf?

Let's do it.

Golf.

[instrumental music]

- Ashley.
- Back off, Will.

You telling me to back off,
girl? Hold up.

Now, this is me.

We-we always used to be able
to talk about anything.

Talk.

Well, you know, I just wanna say
that I-I'm sorry

that we invaded your privacy.

- I can't believe you did that.
- I-I know.

I said it was wrong.

It's just hard for me

to accept the fact
that you're doing the..

You know, that you-you're
gonna be..

...you know.

I mean, I know you're cute,
you know, it's just that--

Will, let's just forget
about it.

Well, no. No.
I can't forget about it.

In my eyes, you still
the little girl

that used to follow me around
all the time.

Now you wearing dresses and
got makeup and the whole nine.

It's-it's just
it makes me uncomfortable

to know that you're having..

...a sex life.

Fine. Be uncomfortable.

[sighs]

[groans]

Look, Will..

...I didn't do anything.

I mean..

...I love Derek.

And I thought I was ready

but I'm not.

You know, for a minute,
just for a minute

I forgot how smart you are.

I guess I kind of panicked
a little bit.

Yeah. You remember the first
time I asked you about sex?

You panicked then, too.

- I did not.
- Yes, you did.

You said that you needed
to have a license to have sex

and that I couldn't even take
the test until I was 35.

That's true.

Well..

...I guess it's not
the worst thing in the world

to have a cousin
who cares too much.

Alright, come here.

(Carlton over intercom)
'That was so beautiful.'

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪
Post Reply