06x10 - There's the Rub

[bunniefuu]

(Will)
On the last
"Fresh Prince Of Bel-Air.."

Well, it's off to the
shelter.

Oh, honey,
I think it's wonderful

that you're helping
less fortunate on Thanksgiving.

Sylvia, you can tell
Mr. Wilmore that I quit.

Is that what you want me to tell
the news crew when they show up?

- You wouldn't.
- Try me.

- Two..
- Oh, come on, man!

- Ahh! Oh!
- Look at this guy.

I can't believe this guy.

Mommy, daddy's fallen
and he can't get up!

One special coming right up.

I can't believe
I let you talk me into this.

- This ain't no big deal.
- Freeze!

Yeah, m-maybe
this is a big deal, Uncle Phil.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story ♪

♪ All about how my life got
flipped turned upside down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ Of a town called Bel-Air ♪

♪In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent the most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some B-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared and said ♪

♪ You're movin' with your auntie
and uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to the house
at about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabbie
yo homes smell ya later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[instrumental music]

Well, well, well,
what do we have here?

It's an honor,
Your Honor.

[chuckles]
That's very amusing, Hendricks.

Look, why don't you save us
all a lot of trouble

and just drop this nonsense?

It's not up to me
to drop it, judge

only the DA can make that call,
but I thought you'd know that.

Look, the DA
is not gonna file on this.

It's garbage.
Nothing happened.

Well, we can't say nothin'
happened, Uncle Phil.

You know, there was a couple
of butt-naked honeys

scattered around that place.

You know, when the press
gets ahold of this

they're gonna have
a field day. Lock them up.

Oh, alright,
I guess you just gonna do us

like this, huh, bro?
Just like that?

I guess you wasn't at
the Million Man March, huh?

Oh, oh, Wait a minute. Wait,
wait a minute. Wait a minute.

This cell ain't full yet.

Hey, uh, hold up, hold up.

My-my back. M-my back.

- Alright.
- Mm. Mm, mm.

Another year, another hairdo.

Who you trying to catch, Hattie?

I guess you and Will
gonna be hitting one

of them all-night
Thanksgiving jams, huh?

Oh, girl, that boy
couldn't keep up with me

if I gave him a head start.

I've got one more outside.
I'll go get it.

- He's a hunk.
- Yeah.

Did you see the way
he was lookin' at me?

Girl, that man wasn't lookin'
at you, he was lookin' at me.

Lookin' at me
like it was lunchtime

and my legs were
Colonel Sanders' extra crispy.

Wasn't he, Geoffrey?

If you mean something fast
and cheap, yes.

I'm Skippy.

Skippy. What's up?

Uncle Phil, they cannot
make these charges stick,
man.

Y-you said that yourself.

Will you be my friend?

Um, no.

Wait, Uncle Phil,
where you going?

I'm gonna call my lawyer.

Whoa, whoa. Wait, wait,
wait.

Now, Uncle Phil, now, you might
know your way around

the mean streets of Bel-Air
but I think you better

let me handle this brother
on the phone, alright? Hold up.

Yo, bro, phone check.

Hey, look, we got
an important call to make.

What's the big deal anyway?

It wouldn't be the first time
we broke somebody's legs.

Alright.

I love you too, mama.

You want the phone?

Uh, y-yes, please.

It's yours.

It's for you.

[instrumental music]

Those don't go there.

Yes, they do.
You said before--

No, I told you
those go in the back.

You know, I should expect that
from someone

who's probably never cleaned
a dish in their life.

What's your problem?

From the first second
I got here, you've been on
me

like I've done something wrong.

Sure, maybe I don't come
down
to places like this

and do this kind of work
as often as I could.

And maybe sometimes I say
things that sound
insensitive

and self-centered,
but that's who I am, damn
it.

And it doesn't make me
a bad person.

Just because you volunteer
a couple more days a year

than I do doesn't mean
that you're better than me.

I didn't volunteer at all.

Oh, so you're paid to be
here.

Honey, I live here.

So the plates go in the
back?

That's it. There's nothing left.

What do you mean?

- I'm sorry, folks. We're out.
- Aww.

This is terrible.

How did this happen?

There's just
so many more mouths

than there is money
to feed them.

You had some letter
you wanted me to sign.

Oh, yeah.

I wanna thank you both very much
for your time and your help.

Happy Thanksgiving.

[instrumental music]

[chuckles]

I'm thinking that in a week
when we look back on this

we are just gonna laugh.

Maybe two weeks.

I got it.
Edison Field, fall of 1967.

That was the Dartmouth game.

Tiny Williams. Oh.

And you're Big Phil Banks.

How you doing?

Wait a minute, so, so you guys
are old college buddies.

Oh, hey, it's a good thing, man,
I thought we was gonna have to

Bruce Lee you up in here,
you know?

Skippy?

Oh.

Man, I haven't seen you
since you had your accident

in the big game.

That was no accident at all.
That was clippin'.

Oh, come on, that's not
what the referee said.

And what about that sh*t to the
helmet during the last play?

What was that?

A sh*t to the helmet?

Oh..

[laughing]

So how you been?

Man, my knee was never the same
after that game.

Lost my scholarship,
had to leave school

and then I got drafted.

Ended up with
a head full of shrapnel.

Couldn't hold a job
once I got back.

So to make a few bucks

I drove a friend's car
across country for him.

What he didn't tell me was
there was 40 pounds

of pot in the trunk.

I did ten hard years,
and finally got out.

But after that,
my life started to go bad.

How about you, Banks?

About the same.

Why aren't you talking?

I'm not not talking.
I'm just not talking.

- Why aren't you talking?
- I am talking.

I'm the one
who just asked a question.

You're the one not talking.

Having to participate
in this inane conversation

would keep anyone from talking.

Well, I just think
you're feeling guilty

and that's why
you're not talking.

What in the world would I
have
to feel guilty about?

You profited
from another's misfortune.

You're the one who went
to the shelter

to get the free publicity.

Yeah, but you're the one with
a letter of recommendation

in his pocket.

Face it, you're a taker.

I'm a taker?
Miss "Daddy, can I have
$300?"

Right, Mr. "Hey, Big Guy,
can I have a copy

of your will just in case
something happens to you?"

That's called prudent planning.

Yeah, if your
last name's Menendez.

- You're doing it again.
- What?

Not talking.
Your guilt will consume you.

See, you're a nag.

That's exactly why
you don't have a boyfriend.

And you're a taker.

- Nag.
- Taker.

- Nag.
- Taker.

- Nag.
- Taker.

- Nag.
- Watch the road!

I wonder why Philip and Will
are so late.

Well, maybe they pulled in,
smelled your stuffing

and turned back around.

[laughs]
Now, that's a good one.

Of course,
yours ain't no better.

You know, it's just like men.

They're probably
at some sports bar

puffing cigars, watching
football on a big screen

completely disregarding the
years of suffering that women--

Shut up, Ashley.

I really am worried
about Philip and Will.

Trust me, my son would never
miss Thanksgiving dinner.

It's the holiday.
Settle in, boys.

Nobody's going
anywhere tonight.

There's a bug on mine.

[instrumental music]

You know, a few hours ago
my biggest problem

was judging a stuffing contest.

[scoffs]
Now look at me.

Stuck in a jail cell

with some angry 400-pound
man
whose life you wrecked.

You clipped him, didn't you?

I'm, I'm sorry, Uncle Phil.

[grunts]
It's the worst Thanksgiving
I ever had.

[chuckles]
And thank you so much
for sharing it with me.

Look at us. All hungry.

I'm about to dig in
to this cream-of-bug
sandwich.

And our family

sitting around
the dining-room table..

...big, gorgeous
roasted turkey..

...four different kinds
of stuffing.

Candied yams,
and macaroni and cheese

mashed potatoes.

And little tiny onions

swimming in a sea
of cream sauce.

Hendricks!

Listen, Banks,
if it's a sandwich you're after

they're all gone.

In the first place, it's not
Banks, it's Your Honor.

Now you get your butt
over to that telephone

and you pull
the district attorney

from whatever meal
he may be eating

and you tell him
that you have Judge Philip Banks

in jail under a bogus charge.

And you might wanna
mention the fact

that we have been
denied due process.

A phone call, access to legal
representation

and every other
conceivable right

guaranteed to us
by the constitution.

'And don't forget
to mention the fact'

that no statements
have been taken

no witnesses interviewed

and none of the most
fundamental procedures

that the newest rookie on a b*at
would know, have been followed.

My nephew and I
are completely innocent

and if you don't
take care of this matter

it will be you
having your picture taken

with numbers across your chest.

And we want $10,000
in unmarked bills

and a helicopter on the roof

gassed up and ready
to take us to Tijuana.

Oh, sorry.

I just kinda, kinda got
caught up in the moment.

Okay, get your peanut butter
and jelly sandwiches.

Grape jelly?

You can't make these
with no damn grape jelly.

- Hi, everybody. We're back.
- Aww..

Surprise!

(all)
Oh..

[applauding]

Hey, hey, hey.

[instrumental music]

So, what do you think?

A caterer for Thanksgiving
dinner.

I think it's just as snooty
and stuck-up as you can get.

But I think it's great.
Everybody's having a good time.

That is, until it's time
for me to do the dishes.

Sylvia, let me take care
of the dishes.

My butler, Geoffrey,
can be here in 15 minutes.

How about
if we do them together?

Then what'll Geoffrey do?

Hey, look. It's a little turkey
from the little turkey. Heh-heh.

A turkey? Hardly.

In point of fact,
it's a Cornish game hen.

A flightless bird
hale from the Isle of Wight.

Braised in cognac
with a hint of fennel.

A fitting end for a noble fowl.

You're kind of weird.

So you want one or not?

No, I probably shouldn't have
one 'cause Mr. Wilmore said--

You know what?
This one's on me.

Cool. So you gonna be here
over Christmas?

Yeah.

Sorry, we're late.

This is going to make a
great
holiday piece, Hilary.

The public eats up
this kind of stuff.

Oh.

Oh, I'm sorry, I don't think so.

What?

I exploit people every day
of the week on my show.

It's Thanksgiving,
I'm gonna take the day off.

Well, I hope
the fire's still burning.

- That was really something.
- I know.

I wasn't the least bit
opportunistic.

For the first time in my life

I thought about others
instead of myself.

Ooh. I'm tingling all over.

- I'm really proud of you, Hil.
- Oh, thank you.

So are you gonna tear up
that letter of recommendation?

Oh, Carlton,
I'm so proud of you too.

Judge Banks.

I-I'm really sorry,
Your Honor.

Yeah. Just tell your boy he'd
better be at the next march.

You know,
your limo is here and it's ready

to take you
and your nephew home.

There's no charges,
there's no publicity

and there's no reporters.

No hard feelings?

No chance.

Hey, Banks?

You done alright
for yourself, man.

Take care of yourself, Tiny.

I'll see you on the outside,
brother.

- Happy Thanksgiving.
- Same to you.

Let's get the hell out of here.

Oh, hey, uh, what are we
gonna tell Aunt Viv?

Will, Will, here's another
very important lesson.

When you have
a chronic back problem

and you go
for a therapeutic massage

and wind up
in a house of ill-repute

which is subsequently raided

and you are arrested
by mistake

never tell your wife.
Hmm? Poof.

Oh, you are
definitely the master.

Let's go get
some of them tiny onions.

[laughing]

I tell you,
I really feel like I
connected

with those people
down at the shelter today.

When I reached out to them,
they reached back.

Of course,
I stepped out of the way

so they couldn't
actually touch me..

...but I really connected.

So, what'd you guys do?

Uh, nothing.

Yeah,nada, nadie,
nil, nilch,nothing.

Ah! Look at the bird!

You've outdone yourself,
Geoffrey.

- It looks good.
- Yeah, right here.

- Big bird. Big bird.
- Oh..

- That is beautiful.
- It smells delicious.

Okay, everyone,
let's join hands for the prayer.

'Dear Lord, thank you
for our many blessings.'

Thank you for our health.

Thank you for this food.

But most of all,
thank you for keeping us
safe

and delivering us from--

Tiny.

...Tiny, as well as
larger temptations.

And thank you for bringing
this family together

in love and peace.

- Amen.
- Amen.

A-woman.

(all)
Oh..

- Let us get to grubbin'.
- Oh, yes.

[instrumental music]

♪ We are family ♪

♪ I got all my sisters with me ♪

♪ We are family ♪

♪ Get up everybody and sing ♪

♪ Everyone can see
we're together ♪

♪ As we walk on by ♪
♪ And ♪

♪ And we fly just like birds
of a feather ♪

♪ I won't tell no lie ♪

♪ We are family ♪

♪ Hey hey hey he-ha ♪

♪ I got all my sisters
with me ♪♪

- Oh, man.
- That was all so good.

That was the best
Thanksgiving ever.

So, what about the stuffing?

Oh, it was delicious.

Well, everything was delicious.

Everything was exactly as
delicious as everything else.

So, honey, which one
did you like best?

[laughing]

Like you're a young boy,
right?

You're not gonna tell me
which one you liked better?

- Nope.
- Nope.

What about you guys?

- Nope.
- Nope.

Then why the heck did we
bust
our butts cooking all day

if you're not gonna
give us an answer?

Really.

Because that's all part of

the fun of Thanksgiving.

I guess it was kind of fun
when Vy dropped

that bag of powdered sugar
all over Helen.

Yeah, that was not funny to me.

And I'll never forget
the look on Vivian's face

when she got her apron caught
in the food processor.

Yeah, talk about being led
around by your apron
strings.

It was even fun giving you guys
a hard time all day.

It doesn't matter
whose stuffing was best

it was just fun being
in that kitchen together. Oh.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Listen, I love y'all too.

But the bottom line is
my stuffing was the best.

Any fool can see that.
You tasted it.

You tasted it
with your own mouth.

Slaving in that..

No, I was slaving
in that kitchen all day.

I know who I am. I don't care
that y'all leave the table.

Happy Thanksgiving to you too.

Every man I cook for
likes what I cook.

That's right. I'm alright.

I'm getting out of here. Hah.

I'm going somewhere
for Christmas. Hah.

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪