06x22 - Eye, Tooth

[bunniefuu]

Hey, y'all.
Yo, come check this out.

Look at all this stuff
I found up in the attic.

What? Why?
Well, that's my old trumpet.

I haven't seen that thing
in ages.

Man, I didn't know
you played the trumpet.

Uh, when I was in college
a little bit, you know.

The girls all like
a musician, you know?

[off-key trumpet music]

I met him after Princeton.

Wow, look at all this stuff.

My old coloring books.

My diary.

Wait a minute, I didn't have
Barbie. Who had a Barbie?

Well, it's not mine,
my Barbie's at home fast asleep

in her Barbie dream house.

Um..

It doesn't matter whose it is.
Let me see this trumpet.

[theme song]

♪ Now this is a story
all about how ♪

♪ My life got flipped
turned upside-down ♪

♪ And I'd like to take a minute
just sit right there ♪

♪ I'll tell you
how I became the prince ♪

♪ of a town called Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

♪ In West Philadelphia
born and raised ♪

♪ On the playground is where
I spent most of my days ♪

♪ Chillin' out maxin'
relaxin' all cool ♪

♪ And all sh**t' some b-ball
outside of the school ♪

♪ When a couple of guys
who were up to no good ♪

♪ Started makin' trouble
in my neighborhood ♪

♪ I got in one little fight
and my mom got scared ♪

♪ And said you're movin'
with your auntie ♪

♪ And uncle in Bel-Air ♪

♪ I whistled for a cab
and when it came near ♪

♪ The license plate said fresh
and it had dice in the mirror ♪

♪ If anything I can say
that this cab was rare ♪

♪ But I thought nah forget it
yo homes to Bel-Air ♪

♪ I pulled up to a house
about seven or eight ♪

♪ And I yelled to the cabby
yo homes smell you later ♪

♪ I looked at my kingdom
I was finally there ♪

♪ To sit on my throne
as the prince of Bel-Air ♪

[music continues]

- Hey, hey, mornin', everybody.
- Morning, Will.

Oh, hey, y'all remember,
don't nobody mention to Carlton

that William Shatner's
gonna be on Hilary's show.

Will, don't you think
you're being a bit unfair?

He's coming on the show
and you know Carlton

is a huge fan of his.

Who's gonna be on Hilary's show,
and who am I a huge fan of?

Uh, uh, uh, Billy.

- Billy who?
- Uh..

Uh, uh, uh, Billy Butterworth.

You are never going to believe
what's happened.

Oh, yeah. Billy Butterworth's
gonna be on your show. Big deal.

What are you talking about?
William Shatner's on the show.

Actor, director, novelist,
bon vivantWilliam Shatner?

And you knew?

You slept in the same pool house
with me knowing this

knowing what it would mean to
me, and you didn't say a word?

I don't even know
who you are.

Hey, look, look, look, Carlton--

Hello? I wasn't finished.

Hillary, you gotta
introduce him to me.

No, anyway the network
is so thrilled

with all of our great guests
that they wanna move

the show to New York.

- New York?
- Yeah.

There was a meeting this morning
with the VIPs and they think

that we're ready
for the big time.

Oh, oh, wait, wait,
wait a minute, Hilary.

I can't just uproot
just like that.

Okay.

And what do you mean "Okay?"

- I'm gonna be out of a job.
- So come.

Hilary, I can't come.
I-I still gotta finish school.

- Okay.
- What?

Look, Hilary, how come I didn't
find out about this before?

Oh, don't tell me

someone withheld
information from somebody.

So, so, so, just like that,
you're movin' to New York

and I'm out of a job.

[chuckles]
Okay.

What about New York?

They're movin' Hilary's show
to New York.

Oh, my God,
that's wonderful.

This is the best news I've ever
heard. It's unbelievable.

Ashley, you've never been
this happy for me in your life.

I still haven't been.
This is about me.

- I can still move to New York.
- Now, just hold on, young lady.

Well, you said the only
reason
I couldn't move to New York

and go to the school
of performing arts

was because I couldn't
move there by myself.

- But now that Hilary's going.
- Oh, we'll be roommates.

[both screaming]

(Phil)
Ashley, Ashley, just calm down.

There's more than
that one reason

for you not moving
to New York.

- Like what?
- Uh, uh, I-I think you know.

No, I don't. Come on.

Up in dad's office, there's
a Sunday "New York Times."

We can find
an apartment from there.

Hey, hey, hey, hey,
just stay out of my office.

You can jump in here
any time, Vivian.

Perhaps that iron fist
that you rule with

has gotten a bit rusty, sir.

Perhaps I should
hit something.

Be careful of misguided anger,
sir.

Will, I'm gonna go down
there
and have Shatner sign

my copy of his new book,
"Man O' w*r."

What to wear? What to wear?

What to wear?

[instrumental music]

Hil, I gotta let you know

I-I'm more than a little upset
about how you played me

with this whole
New York thing.

This is a wound
that will not quickly heal.

Okay.

Hilary. I'm d*ck West.

- I'm with the network.
- Oh.

We're just pleased as punch
to have you aboard, pretty lady.

Oh, thank you. We're really
excited about New York.

Everyone, I'd like you to meet
William Shatner.

- How you doing?
- Nice to meet you.

How do you doin'?
Pleasure to meet you.

Bill, Bill, Bill, I'm d*ck West.
I'm with the network.

- Oh.
- I noticed you drove in today.

Thought beaming down
would be too flashy, huh?

Good one, d*ck.

Uh, thanks, guy.
Hey, I'll catch you later, huh?

Oh, yeah.

What is it about these suits
that they feel they have to make

some sort of lame "Star
Trek"
joke when they start off?

- I don't unders--
- William Shatner!

I saw your car out
in the parkin' lot.

I guess you thought beaming down
would be too flashy, huh?

Huh? Get it, huh?

- That's a good one, d*ck.
- Oh, well..

- Actually, his name is Carlton.
- Who cares?

Boy, the "Twilight Zones."

The "Star Trek" episodes.
The movies.

The "TekWar" books.
"T.J. Hooker." Huh.

How about that Heather Locklear?
Hubba, hubba.

Um, listen, um,
now you don't have to

sh**t anything
for the next three hours.

- Anything you wanna do?
- Yeah, get away from this guy.

[instrumental music]

Look, everybody, I just
bought

my first winter coat
and mittens.

And I got long underwear,
wool
socks, scarves and earmuffs.

That's great.
It'll keep you nice and warm.

Warm? It doesn't get
that cold in California.

Daddy, it's for New York.

Yes, but you're not going
to New York.

Oh, and I got these great
fleece-lined boots.

Oh, these are beautiful.

Ashley, is New York
as far away as Disneyland?

Nicky. Nicky. Sweetheart,
she's not going to New York.

- I know. Can I come visit you?
- Yes.

I remember my first
visit to New--

Vivian.

Mexico.

Ah. New Mexico.

Nothing like taking a bite
of the Big Ap.. Tostada.

I am not losing
both my daughters.

She's my baby girl, Vivian.

Daddy, you're not losing us.

You'll know exactly
where we are.

We'll be in New York.

Honey, let's go see
what your sister brought.

- Yeah!
- You are not goin' to New York.

Vivian. Viv..
She's not going to New York.

Ashley, you are not
going to New York.

Did you hear? I'm your fath..
You're not going to New York.

She's not goin' to New York.

[instrumental music]

(Shatner)
Oh.

Alright.
Best three out of five.

Alright, you wanna keep
takin' this here whoopin'.

Most people
are intimidated by me.

They let me win.

Very funny, Will,
giving me the wrong address.

Hello, Mr. William Shatner.

Hey.

Alright. Look, now you can
stay here and you can hang out.

But remember the rules.

Alright, I won't talk.

I promise.

And?

And if I feel myself getting
overexcited, I take a time out.

Alright.

Now go sit down somewhere.

Oh, I don't need a time out.
I don't need a time out.

I'm sorry, Will,
I can't help it.

Look, I forgot to ask you this
back at the studio

but would you please
sign this picture?

Uh, just make it out
to, "Carlton.

My best friend
on Earth, bar none."

I'm sorry, I can't, I have this
arrangement with the people

who do the "Star Trek"
conventions.

I have to charge you $50.

But I don't have $50.

- Would you take a check?
- No.

You could try and cash it
at the bar.

And while you're there,
get me a drink.

Coming right up

Mr. William Shatner.

You know that cousin of yours
is really attractive.

Carlton?

- I mean, he cute, but--
- No, no, no. Not him.

- Your Cousin Hilary.
- Oh, oh, you better watch it.

Hilary be takin' aerobics
and stuff like that.

- It might hurt you.
- Aerobics? That sounds good.

Well, nope,
she's off limits, anyway.

She's takin' her show
to New York. I'm out of a job.

- She ain't even warn me.
- Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

I've been canceled
a time or two myself.

Always led to something better.

I mean, remember,
as long as you've got a job

you do the best job you can.
And look at you.

You're a bright guy.
You'll bounce back on your feet.

Hey, thanks a lot, man.

Hey, you wouldn't happen to know
anybody, would you?

We moved in different circles.

- Here you go.
- Thanks. Now sit back down.

Will, I-I wanna play pool too.

- No.
- Oh, come on, just one sh*t.

I wanna be able to say that I
sh*t pool with William Shatner.

Carlton, he doesn't like
you.

Well, how could he like you
more than me?

You haven't even read
any of his books.

Carlton, he doesn't care
about any of that stuff.

Oh, well, I do.
Now give me the stick.

- Carlton, let go. Let go.
- Give me the stick.

Oh!

Oh! My tooth.

You broke my tooth!

[instrumental music]

My tooth!
You broke my damn tooth!

Oh, I-I'm sorry. We can get you
right to the dentist.

- Stand back. Stand back.
- Alright. Alright, alright.

Don't worry, Jim.
We'll get you there warp speed.

- Get a life.
- Hey, listen, listen.

Look, I know a dentist,
we can get you right down there

and have you fixed up in time
for "The Hilary Show."

I'm not doing any show.

Well, wait, wait, wait a minute.
This is my mistake.

You can't take this out
on my cousin.

I can take it out
on anyone I want.

I'm William Shatner.

Will..

...did you sense the power
in that man?

Shut up.

[instrumental music]

- He's in here.
- Oh, great.

Listen, Will, I'm gonna hop in
the chair with him.

Take a picture. Quick.

Carlton. Now would you
stop actin' stupid?

Hey, Mr. Shatner, look,
um, I'm really sorry

that I busted your tooth,
man,
but can-can you please come

with us to do
my cousin Hilary's show?

[talking indistinctly]

- So, Will..
- Well, um..

Look, you know,
this-this-this is my mistake

and-and I don't want you
to take it out on Hilary.

This is really,
really important to her.

[talking indistinctly]

[laughing]

[talking indistinctly]

Oh, man, Carlton,
listen, he all hyped up

on that goofy gas.
Man-man, turn that thing
off.

(Shatner)
Oh, boy.

[exhales]

[gas hissing]

Will, I don't know
how to work this thing.

(Will)
'Look, come on, come on.
Snap out of it--'

"Hangding."

Carlton, he ain't
snappin' out of it, man.

[knock on door]

Oh, I thought
this room was empty.

Well, you was wrong then,
wasn't you, brother? Excuse me.

Alright, Carlton, look,
this is what we're gonna do.

I'mma pick him up,
I'mma put him over my shoulder

I'mma carry him out,
right, but I need you

to go out there first.
I need you to stay there.

Make sure that the coast
is clear..

[laughing]

Carlton?
Carlton, what is the ma..

What is the matter with you,
man?

Carlton, would you
stop playing?

Come on, this is serious, man.

[both laughing]

[both laughing]

[all laughing]

Hey, Bill, look.

I'm Timmy the Tooth!

[both laughing]

Hi, Timmy!

Wait, wait, wait. I wanna be
Timmy. Let me be Timmy.

Whoo!

[all laughing]

Hey, you Timmy the Tooth.
I'm Bubba Gump.

[both laughing]

Hey, wait, wait.
Wait a second.

Hey, Carlton, look.

Uncle Phil's toothbrush.

[both laughing]

Hey, come on, let's brush.
Let's brush. Let's brush.

Oh, oh, wait, wait.
Hold on. Now, let's rinse.

We gotta rinse it off!

[laughing]

Wait, wait, wait. I got an idea.
I got an idea. I got an idea.

Oh!

Let's brush his teeth.

[both laughing]

No. No, no.
I got a better idea.

Let's pick him clean.

Oh, my God.

Oh, boy!

Spock, is that you?

Your ears are the same
but something's different.

Uhura. Hey, open up
the hailing frequency.

Captain, the dilithium crystals
are almost gone.

The matter-antimatter
reactors are failing.

Scotty, you are black.

The bridge, it's changed.

Spasers on spun.

[laughing]

Oh, my tooth.
Bones, fix it.

Dammit, Jim. I'm a black boy
from Philly, not a doctor.

[all laughing]

[plunger popping]

[instrumental music]

[both laughing]

Will, where have you been?
Huh?

And where is Mr. Shatner?

[muffled speech]
He went.. Oh. He..

Yo, Billy.
Where you at, boy?

Here I go, dawg.

Here you go, brother.

♪ Throw your hands
in the air ♪

♪ If you's a true player ♪♪

[all laughing]

This guy kills me.
He's k*lling me.

Will.

- What did you do to him?
- Nothing.

Hey, Werner,
I just wanna say..

...I love you, man.

Sulu, where you been?
And why are you out of uniform?

I never liked that guy.

Mr. Shatner, look, uh,
I don't know what it is

that this man has done to
you.

But whatever it is,
I apologize

and I hope we can just work
it out without any legal action.

[chuckles]
What you talkin' about?
This guy loves us, right, Bill?

Absolutely. I'll see you
in court.

[laughing]

Everybody, rumba!

- Rumba.
- Rumba.

[indistinct chatter]

Thirty seconds for Mr. Shatner.

Yeah, Mr. Shatner
is not quite ready for air.

What do you mean
not quite ready for air?

You know
who you're talking to?

That's right, boy.
You better recognize.

Mr. Shatner, I didn't mean--

Uh, no, no. You better not
had
meant, I know you ain't mean.

Smarten up, Opie, I may be
in an altered state right now

but when those cameras
are on me

and those lights hit me,
I'll be 100 percent dope.

[both laughing]

- Oh!
- That's right, homey.

It's all good.
It's all good.

It's all good.

Works for me.
Let's get him on the stage.

Okay, posse, this way.

- No, no, no..
- What do you mean "No, no, no?"

This way. This way.
This way. This way.

[instrumental music]

Hello and welcome
to "Hilary."

Please give a warm "Hilary"
welcome to actor, director

and author of this new
and exciting book

"Man O' w*r," William Shatner.

[audience cheering]

William Shatner, what would
you like to talk about?

Ooh, girl,
you's a bad mamma jamma.

I know.

Oh, that goofy gas

gave me such a headache.

Oh, look,
I just wanna apologize

for everything
that I put you through.

The least I could've done
was let you b*at me at pool.

Whoa, wait a minute! b*at me at
pool? You never b*at me at pool.

Oh, Bill, Bill, Bill.

I see you still got your buzz on
a little bit, huh?

Listen, I can b*at you at pool
anytime, any place, any planet.

Oh, now don't let your mouth
write a check

your pool stick
can't cash now.

- That sounds like a challenge?
- Why, yes, sir. It is.

Well, put your hand there.

- You call me sometime.
- Alright.

Okay.

And captain..

...live long and prosper.

Hey, what about my autograph?

[instrumental music]

Oh, look at this one. This one's
on the upper east side.

Oh, the shopping there
is unbelievable.

This is the happiest
I've ever been.

Ashley?

Sweetheart, I've been doing
a lot of thinking

and there's no reason
for you to be so down.

I've decided..

...are you ready for this?

To let you move to New York.

- But, daddy--
- Honey, let him have this one.

Oh, thank you, daddy.

[laughing]

I'm telling you, Will,
he liked me more.

I believe you, Carlton.

He did like me more.
He did!

Okay. Y'all was like brothers
and I was really jealous.

Now, doesn't the truth
make you feel better?

Will, I know that the show's
moving to New York

came as kind of
a surprise to you..

[imitating an expl*si*n]

...but I just wanna let you know
that if you change your mind..

...there'll always be a place
for you at "The Hilary Show."

Hey, well,
thanks-thanks a lot, Hilary.

You know, but you don't have
to worry about me, you know.

Because by then, you know,
I'll probably have my own show.

Yeah, you know, because I might
be unemployed now

but I'm-I'm-I'm the type
of brother you can't keep down.

Okay.

You-you know, because
in-in the face of adversity

you know,
that-that's when Will Smith

you know, really-really shines.

You know, that-that's, you know,
because I-I'm at my best.

You know, adversity
put me in all my glory.

Ad-adversification..

You-you know,
it's really good to see

how much this family cares
about what we think and
feel.

Ah, it sure is,
I mean, you-you should have seen

how Ashley felt
about what I thought.

Yeah, you should have
saw how-how Hilary

was-was acting about,
you know, my future.

She was worried. We got a
lot
to be thankful for, man.

- Yeah, we sure do. We sure do.
- Yeah.

I mean, I lost my job,
you lost your daughter.

- Two daughters.
- Two of them. Deuce! Deuce!

[both laughing]

Oh, yeah, I got a lot
to be thankful for.

Yeah, man.

- Yeah.
- Yeah, yeah, sh**t.

[sighing]

Will you hold me?

[instrumental music]

[theme music]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Yeah ♪

[instrumental music]