01x08 - Lost and Found

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Cake". Aired: September 25, 2019 –; present.
American live-action/adult animated anthology television series features an assortment of short-form comedy.
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01x08 - Lost and Found

Post by bunniefuu »

(percussive b*at)

(electronic warbling)


(groovy music)

♪ ♪

So, um, you know I'm
going back home this weekend.

- Oh, yeah?
- And I was thinking

that you could--
you could come with.

it's really nice over there,

and you could meet my parents,
and I don't know, see all the--

Sorry, can I just
ask you a question?


Do you--um,

do you think
that I love you?



You tell me all the time
that you do,

so I mean, as it were--

Uh, well, y-yeah,

but you know, love,
it's a funny word, isn't it?

It's funny.

I mean, it can mean
so many different things.

Okay, uh, not--
not quite sure what you mean.

- Um...
- Okay. All right.

Um, in the Aegean Sea,
for instance,

uh, they have, like,
five different words for love.

Um, so, like, romantic love
has a different word

than the love you have
to your friend

or the love you have
for great food

or--or good song,
you know.

Um, do you know what I mean?

So, for example,

I absolutely love that snail

that's attached to that coral
over there.

- Okay, yeah.
- Look at it.

I mean, it has such
a beautiful shell.

I--it really ties
this whole place together,

you know, really
makes it feel complete.


And I mean,
you can even love something

as simple as a joke

or a funny thing
that's happened

like, um, when me and my
friends went to Meg's hen do.

- Yeah.
- (chuckles)

We built her, like,
this funny hat...


Made out of
a bit of seaweed...


That looked just like
a giant knob.

- No.
- (laughing)

(both laughing)

It was so funny.

We all loved it.

(both laughing)

I'm--I'm still a bit confused.


Do you--do you love me?

Yes, I love you.

All right.


'Cause, yeah,
I love you too.

♪ You're looking
for a good look ♪

♪ ♪

(dreamy music)

♪ ♪

Hey, good timing.

Holy shit.

You make this for girls
and you expect me to believe

you have trouble
with relationships?

Ah, well, I don't usually
get to the point

where they spend
the night.


I could get used to this.

So could I.

Let's move in together.


No, I'm serious.

(continues laughing)


Yeah, that is, uh...

That's very clear.

You're amazing.

You're like this

open, exposed wound.

- All right.
- (laughs)

You're like
an emotional flasher.


It's like,

Why, darling,
take a look at me soul.

- (laughs)
- All right, well...

Uh, I get it.

You think I'm crazy.

Okay, I'll leave you be,
but, uh,

um, feel free
to enjoy the toast.

No rush.

And it was really nice
to meet you.

Good luck
with everything.


Well, I just need a moment.

I like you, Jerome.

You're crazy.

That's why I like you,
I think.


But I'm not gonna

move in with you,

'cause we've known each other
less than hours.


Maybe we could just

go to the movies
or something?


Sounds good.


(dreamy music)

♪ ♪

But he's your client.

I know, exactly.


I'm not boring you, am I?

Oh, no, no, no.

I--I just can't believe it.

I mean, you crushed
the Armstrong deposition,

and then Moretti
has the audacity

to pull you off the case
before voir dire?

All 'cause he sees
dollar signs?

I love talking to you
about my day.


Just takes
all the stress away.

Maybe we should
move in together.

You're insane.

- (Paige moans)
- That was--


- (laughs)
- (moans)

How does it keep getting--


I don't know.

Will you--

Move in with you?


- No.
- Oh.


(dreamy music)

- (exhales)
- Yay!


What did you wish for?



Say, do you want to--

Don't do it.

You've made
your desires clear.

And it's not a

completely inappropriate
question anymore.

I'll give you that.

I'm just not ready.

♪ ♪

No, it's actually perfect,

'cause I needed a
new key chain anyway.

Well, it's not
for your keys.

It's for our keys.

Our keys?

I'm saying
that I'm ready.

Do you want to
move in together?




do not want to
move in with you.


♪ Sometimes I ♪

♪ Feel like ♪

♪ Flying away ♪

♪ ♪

(change jingles)

(coin clinks)

(electronic music)





Wind knocked out...




Wind knocked out.

Got the wind knocked out of me.





Debra, you got a problem.

You got a problem.


You need to go home.

(quirky music)

Debra, please...

(groovy music)

- No.
- Yeah?


Okay, right on.

Take your time.


Move slowly,
that'll help.


Oh, this is good.

Not that one.

The remix.

The remix.


Dan, Dan, Dan!

Hey, Dan.
I need your help.

Oh, so now
you need my help?

Wait, what are you
talking about?

I always ask for your help.

Oh, yeah; I don't know
why I said it like that.

- (Nicole snapping fingers)
- Uh, listen.

Can you just give me
one second?

Dan, Dan.



♪ ♪

Okay, yeah.

Thanks for waiting.

How can I be of service,
my liege?

Paige asked me
to move in with her,

- but I--
- Oh, that's great!

- Congratulations.
- Wait, wait.

When she asked me, I said no.


I said, "I said no."

♪ ♪


Well, that was
really stupid of you.

All you ever talk about's
moving in with her.

Yeah, I know that, Dan.

But I don't know
why I said no.

I mean, I wanted
to say yes.

My mind was saying yes,
but when I opened my mouth,

the only thing that came out
was no.


I see.

I get it.

What have I always said

about relationships, Jerome?


- are about trust.
- Oh, no, you never said that.

- Yeah, well...
- Come on.

Trust between
you and your gut.

All right?

So when Paige
asked you to move in

and you were like, "no,"

that was your gut talking.

You want my advice?

You better dump this chick

Dan, I love this woman.

I love her.

I have never felt this way
about anyone

in my entire life, ever.

And I'm not gonna let this end
because of one incident.

Yeah, well, you know what?

If you don't call it quits,
she will.

You gotta
b*at her to the punch.

Thanks, Dan.



I know why I said no to Paige.


Yeah, because she sucks, bro!

Ah, he's back.

I'm also
coming to the conclusion

that you have
no f*cking idea

what you're talking about.

You know, I've been taking
your terrible advice for years.

And it's led me nowhere.


Yeah, I--I--

Yeah, I know.

You know?


Yeah, um,

I'm really sorry.

Look, man.

We haven't been as close
over this past year,

but I've changed,

like, a lot.

Um, believe it or not, like,

I'm mostly spouting
this, like, macho bullshit

for your benefit.

It's like our thing, and I

didn't want to, like, mess
with the dynamic, you know?


The truth is,
hanging out with Nicole

has, like,
given me this, like,

whole new perspective.

Like, check this out.

Like, women are people too.

Like, their thoughts
and feelings

should be considered
as equally as ours.

Like, when I realized
that shit, it was like--

(mimics expl*si*n)

And you know what else?

The more I respect womankind,

the stronger I am,
you know what I mean?

Like, I--
I am my own man now

in a way that
I never was before.


My set's over.
Come on.

Fetch my coat.

Let's go.

Yes, Mommy.

Move your ass.

(smacks, Dan gasps, laughs)

I'll see you later.

(horn music)

I know what I have to do.

♪ Just gimme that ♪

♪ Water ♪

(stomach growling)

I need food.


I need a bed.


I need a warm bed.


I need a house.

(upbeat music)

I need a car.


I need a washing machine,

a big sofa, a microwave,

a toaster, a doormat,

a pasta maker.

I need a bigger car.

I need new clothes.
Lots of clothes.

♪ ♪

I need a haircut.

I need to do my nails.

I need to shave.

I need more shoes.

Red flat ones, black heels,

blue sneakers,
green boots.

I need to stop.

I need a boyfriend.

(somber music)

I need to cuddle.

I need to share.

♪ ♪

I need excitement.


I need a lover.

- Mm, mm...
- Oh, yeah.

(woman sobbing)

I need to forget.

I need a friend.

(phone ringing, vibrating)

I need more friends.

Lots of friends.

(thumping club music)

I need to be alone.

(pensive music)

I need to learn
how to be alone.

♪ ♪

I need to create.



I need to create
something good.

♪ ♪

Abortion is m*rder.

Abortion is m*rder!

Abortion is m*rder!

- Hi.
- Hello.


I'm wondering, um,

if I'd be able--
I didn't--

What's that?

I'd like to just...

If I'd be able to get a...

What do you need?

An STD test.


Fill this out,
and bring it back.


(indistinct chatter)

(women speaking Spanish)

(phone ringing)

(indistinct chatter)

- Here you go.
- Thanks.

(women speaking Spanish)


Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
Come here.


Here, I'll just move.

Oh, okay.

(both chuckle)

- Hey.
- Hey.

- How are ya?
- Great.

How are you doing?

- Great.
- Great.

It's so crazy, like, seeing you
outside of the office.

- Right?
- For once.

- Yeah.
- It's so cool.

How's your weekend going?


Really good, actually.

Yeah? Good.

I found a brunch spot.

Oh. Really?


- Good, good, good.
- Mm-hmm.


(woman speaks in Spanish)

You are a m*rder.

(woman sighs)

(women speaking Spanish)

So--so did you have to
do any work this weekend?

- Maria del Carmen.
- Um...

- (speaking Spanish)
- You can head back now.

(traffic whirring)

Did you understand
what they were saying?

Uh, no.

I don't know, I feel
like I should've given her,

like, a hug or something.

I know, right?

(door creaking)


- That's what you--
- f*ck you!

That's what you will be
if you go in there!

(man yelling indistinctly)

Hey, I'm here
for an STD test.

Fill this out,
and bring it back.

♪ ♪

(bird chirping)

(pattering thuds)

(upbeat jazzy music)



♪ ♪


(buzzer buzzing)





Hey, yeah, hi, it's Jerome.


- Look--
- (static)

- Jerome?
- (Jerome coughs)

Yeah, so I say,
it's six inches, all right;

you just got to
measure it diagonally.





(plastic bag rustles)

You know, I--I've--I've been
doing a lot of thinking.

- Uh--
- (static)

Wait, what?

I've just been too emotional
my entire life.

And there's been one emotion
that's ruled among the rest.

It's--it's been fear.

Yo, my man.

Uh, is this gonna take long?

I--I need to use the buzzer.


Anyway, I don't know.

I don't know, Paige,

I just let fear
totally rule my life.

Because I was scared of
getting the thing I want,

because if you have the thing
you want, then--

then you can
lose the thing you want.

And that--that's why
I put myself in these positions

where I was just told
"no, no, no," all the time.

That's why I'd always--
always pressure you

to, like, move in with me.

And then when you finally
agreed to move in with me,

I said no because I was scared,
but I'm done--

I am done letting fear
hijack my life.

I love you.

I love you, Paige Turner.

And I don't want to lose you.

- (static crackling)
- Wonderful times

we had together like--

I got you that
astronaut ice cream.

And then that time you had
that rumbly tummy and then--

My man!

My phone is d*ad, dog.

I just need to use the buzzer.

Shut the f*ck up!


I'm in a groove!

I'm so sorry about that.

I don't--I didn't mean to--

I'm just trying to come to
terms with this whole thing,

and I know I don't deserve you,

but I really love you a lot,
so maybe open the door, we--

- (door thuds)
- Oh.



I thought that was you.

What do you mean?
Of course it's me.

Well, um, the

intercom's down, so--

I just gave you
the whole speech.

You didn't hear
any of it?

A whole what?

I can't hear
what you're saying.

Yeah, I--
I think he might be

losing his voice.
He was

talking to that thing
for a very long time.

Then he started
screaming at me pretty hard.

What did he say?

"Dude, shut the f*ck up!

- I'm in a groove."
- No, what did he say to me?

Oh, well, basically he's got
a lot of emotional problems.

I mean, he's very scared
of a lot of shit,

not like real scary shit
like spiders

and clowns and snakes
and shit, but like, man fear,

like, of feelings and dating.

And stuff like that.

He used to think
that he wanted that shit,

but then he found out
that he was scared.

But because he realized
he was scared,

he's not scared anymore.

And it actually makes sense
when you think about it.

Oh, and he said repeatedly
that he loves you.

Is that right?

(mouths words)

Yeah, um, uh, you think
you could let me in?

It's--it's very cold out here.


And--and he wants to know

if you still want to
move in together.

Oh, Jerome.



But first you really
need to see a therapist.

Oh, yeah.

No problem.

For sure.

(relaxing music)

♪ ♪

♪ Just gimme that ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Just gimme that ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Babe ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Talking your shit ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Rocking your hips ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Locking your lips ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Like, babe ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Water ♪

♪ ♪

♪ Just gimme that ♪

♪ Water ♪

-(clear music)
-♪ Yes ♪
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