01x07 - Look Who’s Stalking

[bunniefuu]

It's hotter than Satan's assh*le.
I'm building a water park.

As much as I love soaking
in the soup of my fellow men,

I'm afraid there's no room in the budget
for a water park, King Merriman.

Water parks pay for themselves!

You hear that?

It'd be irresponsible not to build
a water park, Blinkerquartz!

With what money?
We'd have to mortgage the castle!

When it comes to mortgages,
I know the term "castle default swap"

sounds misleading, but‐.

Sold! Your haircut makes me trust you.

You defaulted on the mortgage,
and now the bank owns the castle.

We'll have to slash the m*llitary budget.

Thank you for selling me
all your m*llitary surplus.

This better not come back
to bite me in the ass.

Bandits just stole all the cattle
with a shitload of m*llitary surplus.

Sorry. This is just a thing I do
when I'm nervous.

Okay, no steaks for a while,

but we can use the grazing land
to plant grain.

Nobody's gonna starve.
I've got this under control.

I'll trade you all your grain
for these magic beans.

Done. Holy f*cking hell.

Finally. Problem solved.

Now, I've got a date with a lazy river.

Oh, come on!

I've got you.

And that's why I b*rned down
the water park for the insurance money.

Was the water park insured?

f*ckin' beans!

Oh. There you are, beans!

Oi! You, boy!

Tell the king to suck me balls!

We're starving out here!

Okay. Will do.

Great. Cheers, mate!

Ah, those poor people.

Maybe you're not magic beans,

but at this point we could use
some regular beans, too.

I bet all you need is a helping hand
to get started.

I believe in you, beans.

SLOANE I believe in you, too.

Beans, is that you?

Do you always talk to dirt?

Chicken soup for dinner again.

Ah!

Wish the bandits hadn't
stolen all our cows.

Hi, I'm Patrick. I'm a squire.

I'm Sloane. I work in the kitchen.

Oh, let me grab that for you.

So, uh, ah,

do you, uh, behead chickens here often?

Actually, this was my last one.

With the budget cuts,
kitchen staff's getting laid off.

I was gonna stay with my aunt,

but her condo b*rned in that
mysterious water park fire.

Oh, no. That's terrible.

Well, maybe now I'll finish my novel.

It's about a depressed kitchen maid
who can't feed her family.

Wow. Things are worse than I thought.

Oh, yeah. It's a shitshow.
I hear squires might be next.

But don't listen to me.
I'm just a depressed kitchen maid

who can't feed her family.

Oh! The novel's about you.

Oi! Haircut!

Stop talking that girl's tits off,

and get busy telling the king
to suck me balls!

Sounds like you have a lot to do.

Anyways, too bad I'm leaving.

Would've been nice
to get to know you, Patrick.

B‐bye, Sloane!

Did you hear that, beans?
She wishes she could get to know me.

You're right. Maybe I can save her job.
I'll talk to the king.

I love you, little buddies.

Your highness, we're late
for the morning briefing!

We have much to discuss,
and it's all bad.

Is there cake at the meeting?

We had to cut the cake budget,

which you would know,
if you came to the briefing.

No cake, no king.

You can't hide in there, forever, sire.
The people are angry.

Wha-What are they saying?

She's the most beautiful girl
I've ever met, Broth.

Who knew someone could look
so sexy slitting a chicken's throat?

Oh, boy. A castle smokeshow.
I can't wait to lay eyes on this broad.

She's right there. Look!

Where? That extremely average
potato maid is in the way.

- Hey, lady! Quit blocking the view!
- What?

S‐shut up. That's her!
Isn't she gorgeous?

Two eyes, a mouth, a nose. I mean,

her face has all the parts.

Aah. I know.

- I can't let her get fired.
- Patrick.

Get the king out of his room.
He can't hide all day.

Here's some cheese and crackers
if you need backup.

Sometimes you have to make
a cheese trail and hide around the corner.

And then I told Blinkerquartz,

"No cake, no king."

You're the cleverest king
in all the land. Kiss me!

Now, now, you little starfucker.

Kiss me, or I'll k*ll myself!

Let's not be hasty.

I'm throwing myself
out the window. For love.

What the hell?

Merlin's merkin! My beans!

My magic beans!

My sustained verbal abuse
and plant‐shaming worked!

Oh, that's weird.
Someone left a trail of snacky food.

Who will eat it?

Sire?

What? The beans!

I‐I knew they just needed a little love.

Your maj‐Sire!

Be back never, m*therf*ckers!

Jesus Christ,
he's free‐soloing the stock.

He doesn't have
the upper body strength for that.

I've gotta go after him. Or do I?

If he's running away from his problems,
maybe I should, too.

But if the king dies, the kingdom's
problems might only get worse.

Oh, God. Come back!
The kingdom needs you!

f*ck the kingdom. I'm free!
My new life starts today!

Where do you think this goes?

I'll climb this baby to the moon!

Whoa!

Meh.

Mom, Dad, we're here for Sunday dinner.

They're at a jigsaw puzzle convention?

Ugh. God, Dad is so whipped.

They left us twenty bucks for pizza.
f*ck, yeah!

Hey, man!

- Somebody get the door! Ha ha ha ha!
- Blarney, what the f*ck?

Look what I found on the street!

A big‐ass bean!

Please don't bring
your filthy street bean in here.

Aah. Eh, you think it's worth something?

Absolutely not.

Why is your bean moving?

There's nothing up here but clouds.

Exactly. No meetings. No debt.

No uninsured water parks.

Holy sh*t! Sire? Sire!

Are you okay? What.

It's better than any Blanket Kingdom.

Where... Where are we?

Home.

That rainbow city looks far away.

Patrick, carry me there.

Oh. Wait.

Look out! Big, big people!

Aah! Big people are attacking! Help!

Easy now, Wispies.
Let's not fear the unknown.

Let's welcome these strangers
with compassion!

Greetings! I am Mayor McCloud
of the Wispies.

Welcome to the
People's Republic of Nimbus!

Well, I'm Patrick,
and this is King Merriman.

Did he say he's a king?

We haven't had
one of those in centuries!

No king? Then how do you know
which one of you is the best?

Well, we're all the best.

I know! We'll explain it in a song!

No. No, that's, that's‐‐
No, you're good.

Your town is amazing.
You have so many good ideas.

I'm not sold.

Oh, f*ck. Mm. That's good. Mm.

We are never leaving.

Seriously, Patrick. Try this.

Our cake scene back home
is seriously subpar.

I'm like a blind man seeing color
for the first time.

For the love of God, make it stop!

Coral, go do your thing!

- My "thing"?
- Your maternal instincts.

I think they're located in the boob area.

Are you kidding me? I hate babies.

Do you know how hard it is
to not get pregnant in this day and age?

My high school nickname was
"The Comeback Kid."

Why don't we just throw it in the river
and get some pizza?

Good plan. Agreed.

Damn, that's cute.

Ah, Beanie's hungry.

Wow, we're actually great parents!

(Beanie cooing\}
Nah, nah, nah. This is Ruben's pizza.

Get off!

The f*ck-Get-off...

- Get the f*ck off of me!
- Holy sh*t!

Have you taken the tour?

They've got an ethically sourced
food co‐op, a‐a windmill power grid,

free childcare center, and don't even
have a word for unemployment.

And they have a vending machine
just for cake.

Mm.

Okay. Sire, this place is a utopia.

These ideas could help us
out of our financial crisis back home.

Home? This is my home now, Patrick.

The home with unlimited cake.

I love Nimbus, too.

But we have responsibilities at home.
The people need you.

You go be responsible.
I'll be right here.

Cakin'. Hello!

I'm not trying to embarrass anybody,
but I must ask.

Did one of you have
expl*sive diarrhea in the rainbow river?

- That's not the toilet?
- Oh, no.

That's the source of
all of our drinking water.

Sucks for you.
How about topping me off on this cake?

And there's another thing, my friend.

You've already eaten
a month's worth of cake.

It's meant to be shared.

Shared? But I'm the king.

Weren't you listening during
the elaborate musical number?

This is a republic. Leaders are elected,
and there are strict term limits!

Not anymore. I'm the king now.

Your king demands cake!

Rah!

This always happens
when big people show up.

Gert! Get the harpoons!

Woo! BOTH: Go, go, go!

Come on, you've got this! You can do it!

Yay! Yeah!

They grow up so fast.

You're doing it, Beanie!

There's our little star!

Yeah, Beanie! Holy sh*t!

Oh, f*ckin' awesome!

Untie your king!

No, no, no, no.
Destruction of property.

Poisoning the water. Excessive frowning.

These are serious crimes.

But why am I under arrest?
I was an innocent bystander.

Were you? Bystanding is a felony here.

- This place sucks. Let's go home.
- Now you want to go?

You ran away from your problems
like a child,

and then when we had the chance to leave,
you chose cake, and threw a tantrum.

Destroyed their non‐denominational
faith space,

and shat in their drinking water.

Hey, maybe I'm not their king,
but I'm still your king,

and I command you to get us out of here.

I have been trying to help you all day,

and you keep ignoring me.

Mm. Who said that?

Hear that?

You were mean to your king,
and now God's gonna k*ll you.

Look. The beanstalk! It kept growing.

No song is gonna fix this.

What is it? What's up there?

Giants!

You, there!
This monstrosity's blocking my light!

Chop it down!

This isn't over.
One day I'll get your precious butter.

Beanie, did you clean your room?

Don't talk back to me,
you f*ckin' gremlin!

Oh. I didn't mean it.

Beanie, I'm sorry!

It's from Kingstown U. Ready?

Beanie... did... not get in! f*ck!

He takes after you.

Fee‐fi‐fo‐fum, b*tches!

Ha ha!

Spring break!

Uh. I'm done. Let's do some sh*ts!

Aah!

Why did you never mention the giants?

Show me them Wispie titties!

They've been gone for generations.

In olden times, they enslaved us,
but even worse,

they're assholes!

Check out the bling! Wassupppp?

Who wants to get f*ckin' faded?

They're always bringing
their guitars to parties

and talking about slammin' puss!

And they all seem to be named Tyler.

We banished them to the clouds above,

but now your beanstalk has given them
a way to return!

Oh, he's got his guitar out!

Oh, great. You got an earring
to go with that shitty tattoo.

Is this midlife crisis
ever gonna end, Beanie?

Are you drunk?

You stole a boat?

What's wrong with you?
Where'd you learn to be a boat thief?

How'd you turn into such a pathetic
attention whore?

And how did you become such a lush?

I learned it from watching you.

Is this

all our fault?

We made Beanie this way.

No, we've been terrible parents.

The cops! We've gotta hide Beanie!

You distract them.
I'll sneak Beanie out the back.

Goodbye.

No, no, no, no, no! No, Beanie!

Beanie, no!

No!

My firstborn!

sh*t!

Ha ha ha ha.

Mm.

But we didn't vote for this!

Trick sh*t!

Ha ha! Meant to do that!

Ha ha ha ha! Watch this!

Crushed it!

Mayor McCloud, cut the ropes!
We can help you!

Freeing you would require
a two‐thirds majority!

And the speaker of the house
just got trick‐shotted!

Okay. The hell with this.
We're playing by king rules now.

Humph. Untie us or I eat the mayor.

- Oh!
- See, Patrick?

Democracy is a failed experiment.

Now, let's get the f*ck out of here.

We can't just let them get slaughtered.
We're responsible.

Actually, it's the beans' fault.

How about this?
If we take down that giant,

you can take that big‐ass nipple ring.

Ah, I had one of those in high school,

but my girlfriend's headgear
got stuck on it.

Not to wear!

It's solid gold.

It'll pay your bills for months!

Fine. We'll do it your way.

Here! Run through his legs.

Party foul! Whoa!

That might be the worst thing
I've ever seen.

Now gimme that gold.

Yoink!

Nope. That's worse. Ugh.

Uh, I think I'm okay.

I'm getting my second wind.

Boot and rally.

The good news is we'll feast
on giant meat for weeks,

and the bad news is that beanstalk
still bridges our world to theirs!

Not for much longer.
They're chopping down the beanstalk.

Come on, sire. It's now or never.

Broth, wait! Stop chopping!

Sire, get on!

Whoa! Bazingaaaa!

Oh, gentlemen.

It has been an honor‐Aah!

Oh, hey, Patrick. Sloane!

You're leaving?

What the f*ck just happened?

I've saved the kingdom.

Look at this loot.
It's still got a little nipple on it.

But we're rich.

Once we pay for the catastrophic damage
to the castle,

this should keep us afloat
for a few weeks.

So, the kitchen staff keeps their jobs?

That's a random question, but sure.

Oh, sh*t.

What? Oh, no.

Who was that?

Oh.

Oh, my God.

I hope at least their
modern art museum survived.

Never mind.

Patrick, quit lollygagging.
You've got a nipple ring to melt down.

- And you? Make me a cake.
- Yes, sire.

Oh! It's not fair!

- Goodbye, sweet Beanie.
- We did the best we could.

Wow. Who knew parenting was so hard?

You know, nobody ever talks about that.

We should apologize to Mom and Dad
for all we put them through.

Seriously.
I once pawned Mom's wedding ring

to get into an underground
pirate fight club.

I mean, I won, of course.
Totally worth it.

Do you guys think Beanie was sent here
to force us to examine ourselves

and become better people?

Kids, we're home!

Jeez, where'd the day go?

Hey, let's tell Mom
she forgot to leave us pizza money.

Good idea. Classic.

Hey, Mom! I'm all your fault!

That was amazing!