01x03 - Fartbook

[bunniefuu]

Got a bit banged up after
work the other day...

Did you get that stump
out of the ground today?

I already told you. Dary
and I are doing it Friday.

- You never told me that.
- Did too.

You gotta tell her more than once.

She's a woman, not a robot.

In all fairness, Dary,
that's a two-way street.

(DAN FARTS)

- You know what Dad would say...
- Plant the corn. Get her goin'.

So, how are you gonna do it?

Well, Questions McGarrity over here,

we chain it up and yank
it out like a loose tooth.

(DAN FARTS)

So, what are you gonna chain it up to?

- My van.
- WAYNE: Won't do.

DARYL: Why?

'Cause that might be a
little too punk rock, Dary.

- What's wrong with my van?
- More than a coat of paint.

- Go on.
- More than two coats of paint.

- Get after it.
- Rear end differential.

Front end differential.
Alternator. Battery.

Doesn't matter. She'll perform.

Well, f*cking measure
twice, cut once then, bud.

You boys ever had a
peanut butter sandwich?

You're one end.

You're the other end.

Stick you's together
and you're just stuck.

Really scraping the
bottom of the yoghurt cup

for that nugget of wisdom, aren't you?

You appreciate my metaphors, Katy.

That's what I appreciate about you.

Is that what you appreciate about me?

Stake about five to % offer
over there squarely down.

Yeah. No. Huh?

So any other insights for us?

Uh... (DAN FARTS AGAIN)

Heck! You wouldn't mind a
quick heads up from a fella

who's about to steam press his Calvins.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

And that's your lesson for
today, folks, farts always win.

That right there was an air biscuit.

That was a real ass flapper,
if I do say so, myself.

Some fine colon bowling.

Some real rectal turbulence.

Wayne, you gonna weigh in on this?

Well there's nothing better than a fart.

Except kids falling off bikes maybe.

f*ck, I could watch kids
fall off bikes all day.

I don't give a sh*t about your kids.

I wish Gail could hear that fart.

I've got a couple pals
who'd appreciates it too.

Wouldn't it be kinda
neat if you could like,

catalog your farts?

What for?

Well, I feel like if other people
could hear that cr*ck splitter

it could have a positive
impact on their lives.

That may be the nicest thing
everybody has ever said about me.

You should be able to

keep track of and record your farts.

And your friends' farts.

Like Facebook?

Exactly like a Facebook.

Just like...

MEN: Fartbook.

(DAN FARTS)

Step one, we got to builds us a website.

How are we gonna f*ck that pig?

I guess we gots to
calls up the Internets.

Oh, yeah? You got a phone
number for the internet, Dan?

Well, I'm pretty sure they
added me on Skypes a while back,

I mean, I gots to check my emails.

- Outstanding.
- Well, I have an idea,

it's gonna chap a few asses but,

there's a fella we know right here
in town who can builds us a websites

so we don't even have to calls
up the Internets, you know.

- Skip that middle man.
- Right, we'll skip the middle man.

Who is... The internet.

- Who is it, Dan?
- Um, Stewart.

Hard no.

You gots a better idea?

Better than going into business
with a meth head? One or two.

Now hold your good g*dd*mn horses here,

let's put it to a vote, those for...

- Those against...
- Get real.

Then she's bought and
paid for. Two against one.

So, driving Pete's family's out of town,

he had a bit of a Texas
Hold'em Tournament.

And I went over there
with my second-cousins.

- Who, Garrett?
- And Jarrett.

Well, Pete gets all liquored
up. Long story short,

me and the cousins, just
standing there in the kitchen

having a beer watching Pete hang a
piss down his own basement stairs.

Then he turns the cock on himself,
pisses all over his g*dd*mn chest.

Then he falls down his
own piss-soaked stairs.

What are you gonna do? It's like,
"Hey, it's your f*cking house!"

But also, "f*ck! It's your house."

(STEWART CLEARS THROAT)

So it's Facebook...

But for farts?

That's right.

- Cartoonish.
- We're in.

But, drop the "The." Just,
Fartbook. It's cleaner.

There was never a "The."

And we want %.

Of what?

- Amateurs.
- Money, generated from the site!

We are not gonna be making
any money off the site.

Yes, we will.

Once we get enough members
playing the butt trumpet,

we will sell ad space
and make a fortune.

Now, let's talk about marketing.

Who should we target to
buy ad space on Fartbook?

Indian food. Greek
food. Asian noodle soups.

What about ring tones?

Instead of putting your phone on
silent, you put in on silent...

- But deadly.
- You are an idiot.

- He's a...
- Wait.

You're an idiot.

Is Geo-stamping farts a good idea?

Of course it is. Popcorn,
fart location, movie theater.

That's information I's wants to know!

- No.
- Why not?

'Cause it's too complicated.
It's like algebra.

Why you gotta put numbers
and letters together?

Why can't you just go f*ck yourself?

The kids will f*cking love that sh*t.

Yeah, you know what else kids
love, keys. (KEYS JINGLING)

Dangling in front of their
faces. They f*cking love it.

Fine.

No ads then.

Shake on %.

Anything down the road will
be negotiated in good faith.

Beggars can't be choosers.

(GRUNTING) Meritorious!

Give us... hours.

Eduardo. We're ranking farts.

I need the algorithm.
I need the algorithm.

- How are you now?
- Hey.

- Not too bad. Good, and you?
- Huh?

Oh.

Gentlemen.

Fartbook.

DARYL: I don't...

I... I just...

What's wrong with you?

- Seeing it all come together...
- Sort yourself out.

Here's what we've done.
I am, at this point,

the only member of fartbook.

Each member will be able
to upload three farts.

Each member will post a
picture to their farts.

Members will then be allowed
to friend request each other

and accumulate audiences for

their farts.

For example...

(IMITATING DRUM ROLL)

My profile.

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

WAYNE: Wanna know, that's...

That's mint.

Like the... Little bull snort
there in the middle there, Stewart.

I really like the placement
of the fizzler at the end.

Thank you.

- Now, shall we sign one of you up?
- Oh!

- Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me.
- Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me. Me...

- Daryl.
- Oh, f*ck. sh*t. c**t. f*ck...

Wait a sec. Can I go eat
a can of Chef Boyardee?

Oh! No times.

I can farts on command.

(CHUCKLING) (GRUNTING)

- Okay?
- Mmm-mmm.

DAN: Ready.

Ahem, I recommend recording
through a professional studio mic

but the internal computer
mic will work for now.

Okay, Dan.

STEWART: Ready?

Go.

(DAN FARTING)

Oh, very nice.

Boy howdy.

Onto the second one.

STEWART: Go.

(DAN FARTING)

- That was a winner.
- DARYL: Really nice work, Dan.

- Really nice work, Dan.
- f*ck, is this awkward.

Onto number three.

(GRUNTS)

(SHORT FART)

No, no, no. I can do
better. I wants to go again.

No, I think you should keep it.

DARYL: No one likes a fart
that sounds too staged.

Do you wanna know what? He's right.

Like that person who just
happens to have burst out

laughing in every
group photo they're in?

Like the camera just happened to catch
that magic moment in every single one.

That like, "Say cheese."

You're not fooling me, bud.

STEWART: I suggest we, um,

send it out to a test
audience, before it goes live.

Um...

Get some feedback. Iron out the bugs.

Suggestions?

What about the Ginger?

Mmm... What about Boots?

Oh, mmm, the Ginger...

You guys...

Ever heard anything about
that guy f*cking an ostrich?

I heard it was Boots
who f*cked the ostrich.

No.

The Ginger f*cked an ostrich.

- Allegedly.
- Let's see...

It'd take more than one
guy to f*ck an ostrich.

You think they were both there?

- Like, Boots held down the ostrich?
- WAYNE: I suppose...

If you really wanted to
get to the bottom of it...

We could find someone,

someone who farms ostriches.

Who might know

how they get f*cked.

I don't think we need
to invite them, though.

We should get the hockey
players in on this.

Those d-gens would lap this right up.

Maybe get Glen. Get
the Christians on board.

Agreed. And we should also get Katy
into the fracas. I'll talk to her.

- The f*ck you will.
- Wondrous.

You talk to her, then.

We reconvene back here in hours.

(FARTING SOUNDS)

(FARTING CONTINUES)

- Oh, yes.
- (FARTING)

Go.

(FARTING)

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

(CAT FARTING)

Hey, has Katy liked any
of your farts on Fartbook?

No, you?

- Huh.
- No. Huh.

(BOTH PANTING)

We got a problem.

We need to talk to Katy.

- What?
- STEWART: Katy.

We've summoned you here today to
talk about your Fartbook profile.

- Super.
- Let's listen.

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

(FART RECORDINGS PLAYING)

- Problem?
- Those are cat farts.

Right.

You've got a picture of your
cat under each of your farts.

It's not my cat. It's just a barn cat.

I seen a co*n having sex with a barn
cat on top of my truck one time, f*ck.

What's the nature of that, David Suzuki?

No one cares about your cat's farts.

But look how cute they are.

Not to be impolite, but you're
the only one who thinks so.

In addition, you've been updating
new farts from your cat almost hourly.

Oh, that's because there's so many
cute farts. Like I can't even keep up.

We've got another problem.

Where's Glen?

Daryl, Rage Monkeys. Daniel. Wayne.

We've summoned you here today to talk
to you about your Fartbook profile.

Allons-y.

You have no photos and no farts

but are friends with everyone
along for the test drive.

Hmm. I'm not friends with everyone.

I'm not friends with
Wayne yet. But I wanna be.

It seems as though you were
just cruising through Fartbook

liking and commenting on everyone's
farts but contributing nothing yourself.

(WHISPERS) Nothing.

I am as God made me.

Blessed with a very healthy
gastro-intestinal system.

Not super farty.

What you're doing is called creeping.

Not what Fartbook is all about.

I genuinely enjoy farts.

You can't just go around
creeping other people's farts.

What the truck is wrong with that?

If you continue to misuse Fartbook,

we'll have to suspend your membership.

Fine. Fine.

Fluff you then.

I have millions...

(CHUCKLES) And I mean, millions
of ways of hearing unlimited farts.

We're done here, Glen.

Are we though?

Are we?

I think we should pump
the brakes on Fartbook.

That's a Texas-size - .

Why?

It's kicking up too much dust.

We haven't even gotten into it and
already folks are gettin' chapped asses.

Well, that's their problem. Not ours.

This is our problem.

We started Fartbook so that good folks
could share farts with other good folks.

That's it.

Not to creepin' farts, or spam farts...

Although, if you eat spam,
you'll get good farts.

Farts should never come between
the love of a man and a woman.

- It's not right.
- You don't get to million farts

without making a few sharts.

Exactly.

So, what are you saying?

Fartbook dies today.

Today, Fartbook is dead.

Oh. You think so?

I'm with the fellas on this one.

- It's not why we invented it.
- (SCOFFS)

- You invented it?
- Our idea.

We built the site.

You know,

you really don't need a forensics
team to get to the bottom of this.

If you were the inventors of Fartbook,

you'd have invented Fartbook.

Hold your horses there.

Let's put this to a vote.

Those for closing down
Fartbook, raise your hands.

Those against?

But we own percent.

- This isn't fair!
- (YELLING INDISTINCTLY)

If you want to sit on our
backs and call yourselves tall,

you have every right to do so.

But don't think that we're gonna sit
here and enjoy listening to you lie.

You have a bit of our attention,

you have the smallest
bit of our attention.

When did we ask for your attention?

The rest of our attention is
back at the offices of fartbook,

where my friends and I are doing
things that no one on this farm,

especially and including you idiots,

are intellectually,
creatively, artistically,

emotionally, or spiritually
capable of doing.

Have I adequately answered
your condescending question?

What question?

(SCREAMS) Farts!

You better lawyer up, assh*le,

because I'm not coming
back for percent,

I'm coming back for everything.

I...

I don't know what happened just now.

(WHIMPERING)

(WHISPERING) No... No...

DAN: You know, I've been
thinking about Fartbook...

What about it, bigshits?

DAN: I think maybe we pulled the
cord too quick on that, you parachute.

I miss it too, three-point shoes.

I was on there a lot.

Too much, likely.

I was always checking it.

It was very addicting.

Except, did you ever really stop
to think about one thing, did you?

Rippin' farts into your
computer doesn't exactly

spike the likelihood of
having sex with girls.

STEWART: Hey!

(BOTH PANTING)

Hey! Hey!

- Not now. Need minutes.
- STEWART: Okay.

Just wanted to let you know
that Glen stole our website.

It's been live for more than hours.

Hey! Hey! f*ck it!

- WAYNE: (EXCLAIMS)
- Oh! f*ck's sake. Jesus!

- (GROANS)
- f*cking sort yourselves out.

GLEN: Cheese and rice.

I can't remember the last time five
men came in this church so aggressively.

Or can I?

You stole our idea.

I did not steal anything.

Look, y'all had a good idea, all right?

You had a terrific
idea. Congratulations.

But did you actually think you were
the only ones in the world to have it?

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Fart culture,
Stewart. It's all the rage.

It's everywhere.

Glen will show you.

Here. Here's the one I like the best.

It's called Fart Filter.

And I like it because you
can put different filters

on all of your farts and it's fun.

So, yeah, I'll just
show you how it works.

This one, no filter. Nothing.

(FART RECORDING PLAYING)

Who cares? Not Glen, right?

Vanilla. Pedestrian...

However, shove that baby
through the Hudson filter...

(FART SCALING UPWARD)

Now there's a renovation.

Now suck on your Sutro filter...

(DISTORTED FART RECORDING)

(EXCLAIMS)

Now boys,

I'm gonna play you

the filter that I invented myself.

I call it...

Valencia.

(FART RECORDING PLAYING)

It's out there, boys.

It's happened. The
idea lives in the world.

Y'all are too slow. Slow on the uptake.

Sad story. Boo-hoo. Toot-toot!

- Go away.
- (HOARSELY) Let's go.

GLEN: Sad face, sad face, angry face.

(FART RECORDING PLAYING)

Better slow down there, Big-sh**t.

Tomorrow's gonna be a great day for hay.

If you can be a man at night,
you can be a man in the morning.

Wayne, how come you
didn't join Fartbook?

'Cause you're not supposed
to fart in front of girls.

What?

There's certain things that should
stay sacred between a man and a woman.

So, all things considered, this
whole thing's pretty f*cking juvenile,

if I do say so myself.

If she's always listening
to your ass acoustics,

or even worse, smellin' 'em,

I guarantee she'll be slower and slower
to crawl into bed with you at night.

What you just said is outrageous.

No it isn't. It's true.

I don't wanna be smelling a
dude's ass all the time. Get real.

What are you? Some kind of fart purist?

So what are you supposed
to do? Just hold it in?

Or take a sh*t, you f*ckin' degenerate.

I don't know why you guys need

everybody knowing your business anyway.

Like why you gotta put
everything on the internet,

while you're doing it,

or after you're done doing it?

Well, if you don't
puts it on the internet,

how's gonna people know what you did?

Do you wanna know what? That's
your problem right there.

Should be playing your
cards close to your chest.

Keep the ladies guessin' a little bit.

- Be the mystery man.
- Right again.

Oh, if a woman's not
gonna love me for my farts

or for me posting my bowling
scores on the internet...

Not really sure I want one.

Well, then it's a good thing
you's two have each other.

(DAN FARTS)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)

(CAT FART RECORDING PLAYING)