01x06 - A Fuss In The Back Bush

[bunniefuu]

A pack of coyotes come right up
the back porch the other night,

'cause your dog's in heat and you
know those f*ckin' yellow eyed bastards

will go right through the
screen door if they're horny.

(COCKS g*n)

Look like you're goin' to a formal
with that top button done up to .

Oh, it's not like I'm gonna
be one of those nut sacks,

sitting around getting
sucked on by skeeters all day.

Come off it.

Well. Pitter-patter. Let's get at 'er.

Sixty bucks per dead coyote
ain't gonna collect itselfs.

I think I'll have a bumper
dump before we get started.

Oh, I don't give a care.

You ever had a bumper dump?

It's not polite to talk about.

Though I do gotta piss g*dd*mn bad.

Well, you have a dump,

leaning up against the back
of the bumper of your machine.

So, it's pretty near
like it sounds then.

You ever have a stump hump?

You know, I think I did, but...

I can't remember.

- It's when you have sex...
- With a girl?

Yeah, with a girl.

Bent over a stump of a tree.

My friend said he had sex inside a
hollowed log one time and I thought,

"Why, I bet Fred Penner
pulled that off one time, too."

This right here, perfect
stump for a stump hump.

I should say.

- Wayne?
- Dary.

Come over here and join me for a sec.

Oh, well f*ckin'...

Like f*ckin' why?

It appears somebody's been growing
marijuana in your back bush.

You left the barn door
open after chores one time

and your dad thought you were stoned.

But you haven't smoked the
electric lettuce since grade eight.

That's a mitt full of
Johnny Red Eye, all right.

I think it's only
appropriate we call the cops.

Just take about % off
'er over there, mixed berry.

Don't be such a sally.

You know how much sh*t
needs doin' around here?

Well, sh*t needs so much doin' really...

The produce stand is a f*ckin' shanty.

If we sell this stuff,
we can make thousands.

I know a guy on the reserve.

- I don't know.
- Why not?

- It's 'cause...
- Just kidding. We don't give a f*ck.

KATY: If the cops come
around here, people will talk.

Don't want people talkin'.

- Call your guy.
- (SMIRKS)

STEWART: Hello, Tanis.

TANIS: You know the
deal. Personal use only.

If I hear about yous turning
around and selling them,

and I will hear about it,

we're gonna have a hell of a problem.

TANIS: Here's your smokes.

Dime a dart.

Dime a dart.

- Buck a dart.
- Buck a dart.

- They're f*ckin' ya.
- Buck a dart.

Buck a dart.

They're f*ckin' us.

I've got some photos
here. Of the goins' on.

(SIGHS)

You gonna be upset if you keep
scrolling to the left, dog.

You gonna see some sh*t
that you don't wanna see.

This is a big crop.

Whoever planted it,

has done a lot of sneaking
around and maintaining it so well.

We're busy enough keeping the
worm pickers off the property.

There's nothing like good outdoor grown.

It's k worth and ready for harvesting.

You pull it out of the ground,

I'll pick it up.

Cash deal.

Deal.

Who is this?

WALLY: That's Tanis, my daughter.

Should say estranged, I suppose.

What's so stranged about her?

I'll tell you, if you
find yourselves in her way,

you oughtta swiftly get out of it.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Give me a minute.

So, how about it, boys?

Can always count on old Katy-Kat.

You delivered. I'll give you that.

But what type of prick doesn't stand
up and shake another man's hand?

About Tanis...

What about her?

I think I'm sweet on her.

Yeah? What for, Dary?

- What for...
- Dary, you don't need to explain.

She makes your d*ck hard, get after it.

We'll worry about that later.

Work on the produce stand starts today.

- Still waiting for you to say...
- Thank you.

For being a d-Jen with a drug dealer.

Now, if you ever hit me
and I find out about it...

- (GAGS)
- COACH: That's good, Jonesy.

No more kids table with the
big boy moves like that, huh?

You guys ready to play
like big boys yet, huh?

Maybe pick out your own
outfits in the morning?

Make your own snacks?

Some solo back to school shopping?

It's f*ckin' embarrassing!

Good news is,

Pee Wee secondary team just
canceled their ice time.

I think we can make good use of it, huh?

Suit up, pheasants.

Another hour of the fun stuff on deck.

Might as well bring your
puke buckets with ya.

You f*ckin' newbies!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey, Schmelt.

What the f*ck's wrong with you?

Nothing, why?

Are you f*cked up right now?

- Me?
- Yes, you!

Are you on meth right now?

(WHISPERS) Oh, my God.

This is unsee 'er, bro.

Got that f*ck, buddy.

If we don't f*cking do it,
no one else is going to.

The writing's on the wall, bro.

MAN: Hey, give your balls
a tug you tit fucker.

Not the right time, Schwarzy!

How did this happen, bro?

We don't know any dusters that do
meth and now the f*ckin' rookie?

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Well, we do know Stewart and
Devon and all those skids.

But that's it, buddy.

You know, I heard that Ginger
and Boots used to do that sh*t.

And look where it got them, Schmelt!

My buddy Royze had a bad stint for a
while, now that I think about it, buddy.

But that's cause Royze
was hangin' out with Tolzy

and that guy's a f*ckin' pigeon.

My buddy Parkzy too.

I guess Belzy was f*cked up for a while.

And he got Welzy into it.

Yeah, Belzy and Welzy were doing
it with Carzy and his billet sister.

Carzy and his billet sister
got Colzy f*cked up once.

Wait, isn't Colzy still f*cked up, bro?

Only when he's with
Kitzy and Burzy, bro.

Colzy is always with Kitzy and Burzy.

Well, Colzy, Kitzy and Burzy are always
with Carzy and his billet sister, buddy.

Who are always with Belzy and Welzy.

Letterkenny is a meth town.

We're gonna go see the skids.

- We're gonna go.
- We're gonna do it?

- Do you wanna do it?
- You want one?

- Let's do it!
- Give me one!

- We're gonna have one.
- Give me it.

- We're going.
- Let's go then!

Let's go!

Better buy all the smokes.

- What is this?
- This is where I ruin your life.

- Hang on...
- No, no, no.

You hang on. All right?

Yous ripped me off.
And I'm f*ckin' pissed.

But... (SIGHS)

We can make it right. As
un-PC as this market may be,

it's pretty lucrative, so...

If you sell the rest of the
cigarettes at a buck a dart,

we get ninety cents, you get ten.

- (LAUGHS)
- Deal.

- Deal.
- No! No deal.

I spent all our money at that rave.

You're gonna step on some toes in
any business venture. It's inevitable.

If we want to take this meth
business to the next level,

we cannot part with any more coin.

- Are you with me?
- Always.

Let's get this over with then.

You guys wanna dance? Let's do this.

(LAUGHING)

We can do this, too.

(CONTINUES LAUGHING)

Is that how you think this works?

You just take a b*ating
and then we're square?

Bunch of basics.

(EXHALES)

Yous been watching
the wrong movies, boys.

Mmm-mmm!

Pay attention. (CLEARS THROAT)

This isn't just about
us anymore, all right?

This is about everyone now.

Your friends, your families...

Until we get paid, they all suffer.

(SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

Let's go.

Let the burning of Letterkenny begin.

Gotta say, fellas, this
is coming together nicely.

I might actually spend
some time out here now.

WAYNE: With some f*ckin' clothes on?

- Not my forte.
- WAYNE: Unfortunate.

You brings us sustenance while
we are hard at work, Katy.

That's what I appreciates about you.

Is that what you appreciate about me?

Go easy, squirrely Dan. Thank you.

Your sister's hot,
Wayne. There, I said it.

DAN: I said it! I regret nothing.

I regret nothing!

(DAN PANTING)

Too fat to run.

- f*ckin' Stewart.
- f*ckin' skids.

- Where the f*ck is this kid?
- f*ckin' hate this kid.

- f*ckin' wreck this kid.
- f*ckin' k*ll this kid.

No, no. Just get 'em.

- Yeah.
- We'll hurt 'em.

Yeah. No, it's a metaphor.

- Yeah, I get it.
- Yeah.

Hey, but then we're here for donnybrook,
not him and his buddies, buddy.

Oh, f*ck.

We don't necessarily
need to wait for them

to get here to wreck
the meth lab, buddy.

- We can just f*ckin' wreck right now.
- True.

Dibs on Devon, bro.

Jonesy, I don't even wanna
discuss dibs right now.

- No discussion on dibs?
- Buddy, we'll f*ckin' get 'em all.

Oh, yeah, okay, let's get 'em all.

Let's f*cking do it, buddy.

(GRUNTS)

***

JONESY: It's already trashed.

RILEY: I'm not quite sure
how I feel about this, buddy.

JONESY: Bit anti-climactic.
Isn't it, buddy?

Yeah. (EXHALES)

sh*t!

Wonder who smashed up his place, bro.

f*ckin' long hair don't care, bro.

We find the skids and have
that f*ckin' donnybrook, buddy.

Buckets off?

f*ckin' rip over there
and just conflict.

Fight. Injure. k*ll.

Ball up and bang out, bud.

- Bust on. Bust up.
- Download the scrap app.

Pugnacity. Truculence. Burkie.

Little squabble. Little
quibble. Smackdown!

Spar. Spat. Schism.

We are at this level!

But we need to get to this level!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

(CRASHING)

That's a lotta weed.

Sorry about what happened here.

Know about the beef?

What beef?

Between your meth pals and my daughter.

Two things. One,

no one who does meth is a
pal of mine for f*ck's sake.

Two, what are you talking about?

She was ripped off on
a cigarette transaction

by some fellas from Letterkenny.

(SNIFFS)

And then?

She's owed money by
someone from your town.

She's gonna make it everyone's problem.

I'm sorry to be the bearer of bad news.

Hope this serves as
some sort of consolation.

Count it if you like.

She won't stop until
she gets what's owed.

When Tanis comes back to collect,
she won't be short staffed.

Us neither.

- (CAR ENGINE STARTS)
- f*ckin' skids!

(SIGHS) Predictable!

Predictable!

Is this little soiree for us?

And you missed to a better one
at the Ag Hall last weekend.

- You should have come.
- You gave the rookie meth, idiot.

First one's free.

You f*ckin' turned
Letterkenny into a w*r zone.

Got us labeled as a meth town, idiot.

- So, what are you gonna do about it?
- Idiot.

- Buckets off.
- f*ckin' go time.

- Shed 'em.
- Go me!

A little f*ck me, f*ck you?

MAN : Free f*ckin' nose jobs?

- MAN : Let's dance.
- MAN : Hit the d-floor.

TANIS: My balls dangle harder than you.

Yeah, sounds familiar.

(WHISPERING) This is what
we've been waiting for.

- Hey!
- It's time.

- You got our money?
- Nay!

We do not have, nor will we
ever have, a dime for you.

And you took away our only source of
income when you trashed our meth lab!

- (ALL LAUGH)
- We're all here. So, uh...

It's combat, let's proceed.

Power stop, Tanis. We got dibs
on the donnybrook with the skids.

What's a dibs?

A dibs is a dibs is a dibs.

Hey! Pipe down, sh*t head.

You don't get it, do you?

This is about the money.

So, until we get the money,
Letterkenny will continue to burn.

All right? (SPEAKING OTHER LANGUAGE)

How are you now?

Good, and you?

Deadly.

Is that...

The Ginger and Boots.

(WHISPERS) Those two
guys f*cked an ostrich.

Just the Ginger f*cked an ostrich.

Allegedly.

Mmm-mmm. It would take like two people
to f*ck an ostrich. Three even...

It was a sick ostrich.

Allegedly.

You're f*cking ruthless for bringing
a couple dudes like that here.

(WHISPERS) In his defense...

He's usually not the type of prick I am.

If they f*cked an ostrich,
what else have they f*cked?

Just the Ginger f*cked an ostrich.

Allegedly.

I ask again. If they f*cked an ostrich,

what else have they f*cked?

It's almost not worth thinkin' about.

(TANIS SIGHS)

Okay, speak.

Yous got ripped off.

It's too bad that happened.

- And?
- And it's none of my business.

Till it was my business.

Now, we could b*at the
f*ck outta yous right here.

And mark my words,
one day, we'll get ya.

But that doesn't solve
our problem here. Dary.

Your name's Dary?

It's Daryl.

That's just something my
friends call me sometimes.

We gotta put the damage you're
doing around Letterkenny to bed.

That's k. What are you's owed?

(SCOFFS) More than that.

- We're tough f*ckin' sleddin'!
- Hey.

We're gonna call it k.

- Is that what we're gonna do?
- We are.

You're gonna take it
and leave Letterkenny.

And if yous come back for so
much as to pump your gas...

When he gives a warning,
he don't repeat it.

We'll get ya.

Deal. (CLEARS THROAT)

Beats fighting an ostrich fucker.

All right, can we, uh,
part the hick sea here?

Uh, actually wait.

I got to know.

This has gotta sting
a little bit, right?

(CHUCKLES) I mean,
you're short, you're ugly,

you're incompetent,
you're f*ckin' broke!

f*ckin' A.

You're a f*ckin'
addict, you're hopeless.

Yeah. (CHUCKLES)

I mean you are such a tragedy that

even all these people here who hate you,

will bail you out, just so

they can...

What's the word? Erase you.

My cousin was born with fetal alcohol
syndrome and he works at a f*ckin' bank.

What's your f*cking excuse?

That'll do, Tanis.

Hey! I'm not talking to you.

Look at you.

You got bloodshot eyes, runny nose,
f*ckin' greasy hair, scabs everywhere.

What is that? What's that, right there?

You see that? Is that cum?
Dried cum on your f*ckin' zipper?

- (TANIS LAUGHING)
- I'm so sorry.

(TANIS INHALES) Oh, you are pointless.

I bet, the second you popped out,

your mom wished she
had a sewn up snapper.

Probably would've been better if you
grew to a sickly size inside the womb

and k*lled the both of you

before you f*ckin' rolled
out and started f*cking up.

KATE: Bitch.

(GROANS) What?

I'll tell you what's
gotta sting a little bit.

(TANIS SCOFFS)

(GROANS)

Well, f*ckin' get after it, then!

RILEY: Well, Who
would've 'thunk it. f*ck.

JONESY: Mmm-hmm.

That was a top tier sucker, Riley.

DAN: You too, Jonesy.

Thanks boys. I'd sucker
you guys in your sleep.

Still... Makes my top
three suckers, boys.

An A- box sh*t, you f*ckin' barbarian.

Never claimed to be a lady.

Did you stop and smoke a joint for a bit

and then jump right back in there

Nectar of gods, fellas.

On the house.

All right! (CHEERING)

Well at this rate, we'll
need another one soon, Gail.

(BANGING)

You know, I gotta say,

I'm looking forward to a bit
of peace and quiet around here.

DAN: Hear, hear.

There ain't no reason to
get excited, am I right?

- Yup.
- Yeah.

MAN: All right.

Who the f*ck is the
toughest guy in here?

That'd be me.

(MUSIC PLAYING)