02x02 - The Election

[bunniefuu]

You're having some beers in the barn

with your pals the other day...

So, have you figured
out what you're gonna do

as first act of Ag Hall
President there, super sh**t?

You're looking at it, pea sh**t.

No, he's talking about a
charitable act, big sh**t.

We'll advise you there,
sh**t and ladders.

We'll be your team,

- half court sh**t.
- K.

Like when Obamas became president,

he started bringing troops home.

Oh, is that what he did?

Or when Trudeau became Prime Minister,

he started bringing refugees over.

Oh, did he do that?

Whatever you do, just make
sure peoples know about it.

Yeah, like you're gonna
want to have somebody

come down from the
paper, take a photo of it.

- Tweet a tweet, snap a chat.
- Why?

Well, if it's not in the papers

or on the Internets, it's
pretty much worthless.

DARYL: You know what I think, we
should almost be snapping a chat

about us talking about doing
the charitables right now.

Pump the brakes.

Now, am I doing the charitables

for the charity's gain or my own?

Well, you do the
charitables for the charity,

but the whole point of
doing the charitables

is that people think you're a
good guy for being charitable.

Yeah, behaving charitably,
you'll have people saying, like,

- "Oh, he's a good guy."
- "Oh, he's a real good guy."

- "Oh, he's a great guy."
- No!

I think you have had
too much sugar cereal.

The whole point of doing the charitables

is to help the charity and to
make you feel good, not look good.

Figure it out.

Yeah, but it feels good to have
people call you a real good guy.

You figure it out.

Oh, it feels even gooder when
someone says you're a great guy.

You figure it out.

You want to do a charitable?

Drive into town first
thing in the morning,

dead of winter, after a fresh snow fall.

Shovel a handful of folks'
driveways before they wake up.

No one does a tweet.
Feels f*ckin' sweet.

Also, it's a substantial core workout,

from what I've been told.

Or if you're done doing hay for the day,

drive on over to someone's place

that isn't done doing hay for the day,

cut their grass or something like that.

No one snaps a chat. Go f*ck your hat.

Or couldn't you just help them do hay?

- But gets a photo.
- You're gonna need a photo.

You wanna know what?

No one likes a preachy Patrick,

but you are pissing on the seat here.

Well, no one likes an impracticals Pete.

No one likes an unprepared Paul.

Or if you're a woman,

- no one likes an unproductive Pams.
- Or an improper Pippa.

No one likes a pestering Preston.

Or if you're a woman, no one
likes a patronizing Peggy.

Trust me, good buddies,

any charitables act, big or small,

is an act wasted if your
face ain't attached to it.

- Any charitable act?
- Any charitables act.

Well, then come on, Dan.
Let's drive into town.

We'll let the dog drop
a sh*t on Main Street

and snap a chat of you picking it up.

Good?

Pitter-patter!

Choice work, super chief.

Oh, there's your lipstick.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Subtitle by peritta

Hey, ! Nice stats, no stats.

Scored genos in the dub, one-nine.

Sixty apples in the O, .

Lead the Q in PIMS as
an over-ager, buddy.

Wheeled my buddy's billet sister.

f*cking PIMS, boys.

PIMS club, boys.

All the light bulbs don't work
on the scoreboard, eh, bud?

A quiet night in the red light district,

- one-nine.
- Suck my knob.

Drink milk, one-nine.

What'd they get in a trade for you,

tin of chew and a half a bag of pucks?

Set of used practice jerseys?

Tub of orange slices?

Go carbo-load, .

Suck my knob, you plug.

Hey, Schmelts.

You do not get to talk to Mr. Sakic.

Mr. Sakic has earned our respect.

You have not earned
our respect, Schmelts.

You do not get to talk to Mr. Sakic.

YORKIE: Your first period
in the league, Schmelts.

You'll be sent down by the second.

This is fantasy camp for you.

COACH: Hey!

You think you can just walk into
this league and start chirping?

Know your role, pheasants!

You had a cup of coffee.

You're seat fillers at the ESPY's.

You're Tiger's caddy now
that nobody gives a sh*t!

It's f*cking embarrassing!

I don't miss playing
for that guy, buddy.

Always a silver lining, buddy.

SHORESY: Give your balls
a tug, you tit fucker!

The f*ck did Shoresy come from?

I didn't even know he was here, bro.

Hey. All this time chirping

could be better spent
doing legs, Schmelts.

Never skip leg day, Schmelts.

Hey, nice work on legs day today.

Hey, you rocked legs today, Yorkie.

Thanks. Barts, you're faster

than the Russian Rocket, Pavs Bure.

That is where leg day got you!

Yorkie, statistically,
Mike Gartner was faster

than Bure, and that's
where leg day got you.

- Let's win it all, Barts.
- Let's win this ship, Yorkie.

(BOTH GRUNT)

So, from now on, you're
supposed to call the police

when you got worm pickers
on the property, and not .

Good?

Now that's the business.

Except for that, anything pressing?

- And she's back to choring.
- One moment!

Or should I say motion.

McMurray, how are ya now?

- Good n' you?
- Not so bad.

Good.

- I will speak candidly here.
- Go ahead, baby.

Everybody's listening.
Everybody loves you.

All right.

The goings on from last week's emergency
meeting left me some terrible upset.

Some terrible upset.

Oh, yeah, the ass
pisses all g*dd*mn week,

- that's all I know.
- This is true.

I have had the ass pisses,

also known as p'zazz.

He's been making the weakest cocksucking
gin and tonics I ever g*dd*mn had.

All of these events combined

have brought me to one conclusion.

I, McMurray, motion

something must be done.

Something has to be done.

A proper election must take place,

whereby both Wayne and
I campaign for a week

to see who will be

president of the Agricultural Hall.

I second that motion.

(MOUTHS) I love it when you motion.

I love you, too, baby. Your motion.

All right. Jimmy
Dickskin, do your thing.

Dickins.

Well, that's exactly what I said.

Have at her, Dickskin.

(AUCTIONEERING) All those in favor

of a one-week election period,

give me one hand up, can
we get a one-dollar bill,

one hand, we're looking at two.

Two hands up, give me two,
we're looking at three,

three hands up, getting to three.

We got three over here,
we're looking at four.

Four hands up, we're looking at four.

Four over here, now
we're looking at five.

Can I get a five-dollar
bill, five over here,

now we're looking at six
dollar, can I get a six?

Six over here, now can I get a...

Hands up, baby, hands up!

Give me your heart, give me...

Sold! Majority rules.

Election awarded to McMurray.

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTING)

Get on. Get on. Ride that pony.

Ride it. (GRUNTS) All right.

- (GASPS) Oh!
- Good girl. Good girl.

All right, we knew
justice would be served.

Well, see you next week, big boy.

That's a good pinch.

You still got the p'zazz?

It's not sh*t, it's a
blister from choring.

Put her there.

Have it as you like.
Get your stuff, baby.

Let's hit the road.

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

I wouldn't go in there if I was you.

- Why is she standing outside?
- DEVON: Don't know.

Why are you standing outside, Bonnie?

They crop dusted inside.

- We crop dusted inside.
- Super.

I crop dusted on the way over here, too.

- Did you?
- I did.

- Very cool.
- I know.

- And you're single. How?
- I hate everyone.

- Especially you.
- Couldn't tell.

- Oh, no?
- No.

Guess I have work to do then.

You don't know what work is.

You sure do, entertaining two
hockey players at the same time.

Do what you love and you'll
never work a day in your life.

- Hmm, that's clever.
- Isn't it?

- I see what you did there.
- I smell what you did there.

It's clear now, Katy. You can come in.

Yeah, why don't you go in, Katy?

This has been a lot of fun.

Has been? Still is.

Oh... f*ck off, is what I meant.

We're busy.

- You're busy?
- Very.

Busy ripping farts in coordinated
outfits at the dollar store.

What of it?

- Shut up, Roald.
- Then what?

Are you gonna steal some bikes
and ghost ride them into the river?

- How did she know that?
- Shut up, Roald.

Maybe you could even find

a new spot to rip farts
in, in coordinated outfits.

You know, if you're not too busy.

- Oh, we have other spots!
- (GROWLS) Roald!

Who's the genius behind these
coordinated outfits, anyways?

Well, actually if you are interested...

Just kidding, I don't give a f*ck.

Nice to see you, buddy.

(WHISPERS) Don't listen to her, Devon.

They wanted you to go to law school.

Shut up, Roald!

(TECHNO MUSIC PLAYING)

Devon! Devon!

- How are ya now?
- Spanking!

Not so bad.

Are you the creator of Fartbook?

I am the sole creator of Fartbook!

Cocksucking love that
Fartbook, that's all I know.

- Thank you.
- Good farts.

Now listen, I'm running against Wayne

for the presidency of the Ag Hall

and was wondering if
I could commission you,

and him, too,

to make us a sort of a campaign video.

You are running against Wayne.

Cocksucking right, he is.

Hurting Wayne hurts Katy.
Hurting Katy hurts Stewart.

It can be done

and it will be done!

Make it stop. Make it stop.

Okay. Okay. All right.

So, look, whatever... Whatever is good.

I just wanted to know that we're
on the same page, all right?

I want it to be a sort of a...

Like a good old...

Smear campaign.

What's that?

It's when you run ads suggesting
negative things about your opponents.

For what purpose?

To make yourself look good

by making your opponent look bad.

Oh, if you got nothing good to say,
you shouldn't say nothing at all.

You must acknowledge the appetite
for negativity in today's world.

The misfortune of others,

it's become sustenance.

You must evolve from
your primitive thinking.

Do you remember the band
Primitive Radio Gods?

Had that one really good song?

Bet it's on iTunes.

I hear McMurray has
commissioned Devon et Al,

to make a video for his campaign.

- I suggest you follow suit.
- What sort of video?

A spectacle,

pure adrenaline,

Babylonian.

You're spare parts, bud.

Tell you what.

I'm gonna go into town, mow some lawns.

Give people one less
chore to do this week.

Seems more productive than name-calling.

You wanna know what?

The dog's in the barn, if you
wanna go hurl some insults.

You can get your sustenance.

He won't know what the f*ck
you're talking about anyway.

Have a good one.

Have it your way, shirt-tucker!

(CAR DOOR OPENS, CLOSES)

What is Devon up to?

I'm Devon, the director.

(SPEAKS FRENCH)

Okay. Brown guy here.

Asian woman here.

Native man here.

Gail... Please.

And the whites over there.

As you know,

the purpose of this cinematic experience

is to influence voters.

And we'll do that by reaching
as many ethnicities as possible

with our message about
Wayne, which is...

ALL: He's just not ready.

- That's good.
- DEVON: Right.

He's just not ready to be
president of the Ag Hall.

Um...

There aren't any ethnicities
on the Ag Hall board.

- But there will be.
- Okay, but why?

- Because it's .
- It's not .

(MUTTERING)

And just to really hit home
this whole ethnicities thing,

brown guy, have you ever
seen The Simpsons?

- Yes.
- Excellent.

Need you to talk like
Apu, from the Kwik-E-Mart?

Asian woman,

have you ever seen
The Karate Kid?

Need you to talk like Mr. Miyagi.

"Wax on!"

Native man...

You're pretty dialed in already.

- Gail...
- Where's my money, bitch?

Exactly. (LAUGHS)

And our whites are...

They're super-white,
so just be yourselves!

Thank you.

Where is our gay vote?

Tad Roald. Tad... Tad Roald!

They'd already put cheese
on it, but I picked it off.

(SQUEALS)

(YELPS)

Tad Roald was too shy
to be in our video,

but said he'd organize our gay vote.

So where is our gay vote?

(DOOR OPENS)

I am so sorry that I'm late, you guys.

Crazy story.

My bike chain flew right off my bike

but I happened to be next
to the ice cream truck.

So I picked myself up
a little sweet treat.

Ha. (SLURPS)

It's hot out today,
don't you think, Devon?

- Whew!
- My... No, Glen, no.

- What?
- Modesty.

Mm. Disappointing.

Why does he have his underwear on?

I don't know.

(SLURPS)

Where's my money, bitch?

You spit on me.

You're welcome. Hi, Roald.

As predicted, Devon's made a video.

The song by Primitive Radio Gods

is called Standing Outside
a Broken Phone Booth

with Money in My Hand.

And it is on iTunes.

Ah, you're not gonna like this one bit.

I might like it one drill bit.

And the message is
you're just not ready.

Ah, it doesn't sound so bad.

Yes, it does!

So I won't like it one bell pepper.

Watch!

Hmm.

Looks like we got good g*dd*mn
candidates here, is all I know.

Let's talk about Wayne.

All right. Under the
part that says experience,

it doesn't say anything about ever
being president of the Agricultural Hall?

GLEN: Hmm. That's a hard no.

He'd be inheriting a lot of problems.

Letterkenny problems.

He's a farmer.

But has anyone ever seen
him do any actual work?

Ah, hell, no.

I hear he's been cutting people's lawns.

Like that will stop
the grass from growing?

(CLICKS TONGUE)

Pitter-patter, let's get
down to the real issues here.

Being President of the Ag
Hall is not an entry level job.

How are ya now? Not so
qualified. (CHUCKLES)

Can we really trust a man

who can't even be
bothered to wear a belt?

Hell to the nah-nah.

He's just not ready.

He's just not ready.

He's just not ready.

He's just not ready.

He's just not ready.

He's just not ready.

Nice hair, though.

- Nice ass.
- Hmm.

That's what I appreciates about him.

ALL: He's just not ready!

DEVON: Wayne for
president of the Ag Hall?

He's just not ready.

GAIL: Oh, hell no.

Hmm.

There's a text from your mum.

Cream for your a**l fissures is in.

Wha...

(GASPS) It already has , views.

Slightly concerning on
account of there only being

, people in Letterkenny.

We must respond posthaste.

Two wrongs don't make a right.

(GASPS)

It's jumped views since
we've been conversing!

, .

This thing's going viral.

There could be worse things, Stewart.

I can b*at Devon's view count.

I give you my personal guarantee.

And when I do,

you won't have to sit
through McMurray's pointless,

purposeless, aimless, godless,
motherless, meetings anymore!

There's something in it for both of us.

(SPITS)

Now that's likely the least concerning
thing on your hand, isn't it?

All actors are present.

- Wondrous!
- Why are they here?

Money talks.

He gave us bucks.

It's like cutting two-and-a-half lawns.

But we don't even wanna be here, boys.

You cheated on us, boys.

Oh, pipe down, Pete and Repeat.

You were both getting blowies

from your big city
slams the entire time.

Dude, who told her about the blowies?

Who blew the whistle
on the blowies, bro?

You just did.

Oh, that's gutty, bro.

Shut the back door, bro.

Reilly and Jonesy, Katy,

are here to help us
secure the youth vote.

There aren't any youth
voters on the Ag Hall board.

- There will be.
- Why?

Because it's !

It's not .

(SIGHS) Now, gentlemen,

since you are such crafty vets

of the chirp-slash-beak
slash-carve game,

I've decided to let you improvise.

- We're really good.
- Yeah.

Wayne, let's start with you.

Just, um, look directly into the camera

and say something
slanderous about McMurray.

Kind of feels like I should
make sure my own backyard's clean

before throwing junk in someone else's.

He slandered you first.

What, so you think if he
goes jumps off a bridge,

I'm gonna, too? Figure it out.

Dan? Daryl?

Please help.

(DAN FARTS)

(BURPS)

(LAUGHS)

Reilly! Jonesy!

Let's see what you can do.

- Okay.
- Warm up?

- Yeah, warm up.
- Oh, sure.

Absolutely.

(LIP TRILLING)

- All right.
- (JONESY CLEARS THROAT)

BOTH: The tip of the
tongue, the teeth, the lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

The tip of the tongue,
the teeth, the lips.

- The tip of the tongue...
- Boys!

(CLEARS THROAT)

Katy?

Girls gone wild.

(GASPS)

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

It's not complicated!

We want to slander McMurray

so Wayne can win the election

and I can b*at Devon's view count.

Now, let's try this.

Think about your favorite actor

and try to channel them.

Who are your favorite actors?

Go!

Kevin Costner.

Keanu Reeves.

John Candy.

Chloe Sevigny.

It's easy. Taylor Kitsch, boys.

Big Riggins himself.

You picked Big Riggins, so I'll
take Michael Fassbender, bro.

Yeah. But if...

If Big Riggins, if he's not available,

'cause he's my number one,

it's easy, Chad Michael Murray, boys.

Big Riggins is still my number one

but I love Chaz Michael, bro.

- One Tree Hill!
- Boom!

Go with Michael Fassbender.

- Try channeling that.
- Choose Big Riggins.

DAN: You know what?

Actors named Michael could
really reinvent themselves

if they change their names to Spike,

like uh, Spike Fassbenders

or, uh, Spike Caine

or Spike J. Fox.

- Spike Buble.
- Chaz Spike Murray?

Oh, C. Spike Murray?

Let's try and stay on task!

Well, now it might be kind of awkward,

might be kind of awkward
if actors named Richards

started going by d*ck.

Right? Like d*ck Gere. d*ck Pryor.

- d*ck Dreyfuss...
- Lionel d*ck.

Feel like Richard Simmons
probably prefers d*ck.

(SHRIEKS)

Dude, he got f*cking mad.

Well, looks like she's
back to cutting lawns.

(AUCTIONEERING) All those for Wayne

resuming presidency of the Ag Hall...

Can I get a one vote here?
We got one over here...

Now can I get a two? Two-dollar bill...

Two over here now can I get a three...

Looking at three, three over here,

now can I get a four?
Looking for a four...

Wayne for President for four?

No four. Three for Wayne.

Those for McMurray reclaiming
presidency of the Ag Hall,

can I get a one vote here,
looking for one-dollar bill.

We got one over here, one over here!

Now can I get a two,

looking for a two, two over here!

Now can I get a three,
looking at a three?

Three over here, we're looking at three,

can I get a four, looking for a four.

Four over here, now can I get a five?

Five-dollar bill, looking for a five.

Five over here, now can I get a six?

Six dollars, looking for a six,

six over here! Now can I get a seven?

Seven right here, you can
tell by the way he uses

his walk he's a woman's man.

Sold! Majority rules.

Presidency awarded to McMurray.

(LAUGHING)

Come on, baby. Come here.

(GRUNTING) Yeah, yeah, yeah!

Okay. You gotta act classy.
Now you're the First Lady.

McMurray, Mrs. McMurray,

congratulations.

Thanks, Wayne.

P'zazz is all cleared up and everything.

I'm back to my old self again.

- Glad to hear. Best of luck.
- Appreciate it.

Let's go get a couple
of cocksucking G&Ts,

that's what I always say.

Okay, girl, let's do it.

Sorry, I couldn't vote for you, Wayne.

Your video really threw me off.

Thanks for cutting my lawn, though.

I'll return the favor one day.

Good enough, Jim.

Stewart's YouTube page.

(SLOW POP PLAYING)

McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

Why would I say
McMurray's a piece of sh*t?

All right, he's a piece of sh*t.

(PHONE RINGING)

- Hello?
- Yo.

What's up, B?

Nothing. Chilling.

- What's up with you?
- McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

True.

What's up?

What up?

Yo, who's that?

Yo, pick up the phone.

What up?

What's up?

What up?

(IN A DEEP VOICE) What up?

ALL: Ahh...

McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

McMurray's a piece of sh*t.

Message approved by Wayne.

f*ck a duck.

I mean, this is no fun, boys.

Team No-Fun, boys.

We gotta start giving it back to them

or they're just gonna f*cking
walk all over us, buddy.

- Yeah, but where do we start, buddy?
- (DOOR OPENS)

What the f*ck is that, boys?

Yo, you leave the
house like that, buddy?

What's the problem, Schmelt?

You got a f*cking bush, bud.

You got a bush, bud.

Who's the bush inspector
around here, boys?

Bush inspector's
sleeping on shift, boys.

On our junior team it's a
five-dollar fine every game

and praccy 'til she's shaved
down to the wood, boys.

Hey, get that hedge hog
off your tummy stick, bud.

You're f*cking gross, bud.

You're f*cking gross, bud.

Looks like we got a couple
of cock-lookers, Yorkie.

Of course, the Schmelts
like a good cock-look, Barts.

Oh, yeah, I f*cking cock-looked

'cause your junk's a f*cking car crash

and you can't look away.

I cock-looked 'cause your
junk's a f*cking strobe light.

I can see it with my eyes closed!

So you were cock-looking.

They just admitted they cock-looked.

Well, I cock-looked

'cause your junk's a
f*cking welding flame, buddy.

You look directly at it

and your f*cking retinas getting b*rned.

I cock-looked because your junk's

a f*cking child walking
in on his parents.

Once you see it, it cannot be unseen.

All this time cock-looking

could be better spent doing legs.

More legs, less cock-looking, Schmelts.

I f*cking skipped leg day, boys.

f*ck leg day, boys!

(ALL BREATHING HEAVILY)

(ALL YELLING)

You are woefully uninformed,

- aren't you?
- How?

I said I would b*at Devon's view count,

not win you the election.

And guess what? I did
b*at Devon's view count.

- Look.
- Oh, I don't give a care.

I've been contacted by
Budweiser and Carl's Jr.

over copyright infringements,

but I don't think they're serious.

You wanna know what?

McMurray's meetings are a bit painful,

but not sure that's good enough reason

to get into politics.

- They're all crooks.
- Every one of them.

Now run along, Stewart,

before I get bored of behaving.

Well, I guess she's off to chore.

Been busy cutting other
people's f*cking lawns all week.

Jim Dickins. How're ya now?

It's Dicks... Nope, you
got it right that time.

- Good n' you?
- Not so bad.

I said I'd return the
favor for cutting the lawn.

I figured there's no
time like the present.

Can we give you a hand with anything?