05x01 - We Don't Fight at Weddings

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
Watch/Buy Amazon  Merchandise


Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
Post Reply

05x01 - We Don't Fight at Weddings

Post by bunniefuu »

Hats off to Tanis, boys.

It's certainly a great day
for Thunder Bay.

Yeah, Tanis has
outdones herself.

She sure did.

Say, where is Tanis?

Well, Tanis the.

Tough gal.

Homewrecker.

Rocket. sn*per.

Alpha female.

Temptress.

A bits rough around the edges.

Tried to lure you
in to the barn for a...

Round of the bases.

Homewrecking.

Slam. Crush.

Roll in the hay.

Lay in the biblical sense.

Toe curl.

And the truth is
you kinda wanted to...

Pet heavily.

Wreck your home?

Rack up a k*ll.
Score a take down.

Have the best sex of your life.

Fondle?

Become one.

But you didn't.
Because that's not what a...

Good 'ol boy.

Real man.

Straight sh**t. Team player.

Seriously?

God-fearing gentleman.

Stand up guy.

Does.

On the contrary, a...

Good 'ol boy.

Real man.

Straight sh**t. Team player.

p*ssy.

God-fearing gentleman.

Stands-up guy.

Doesn't cheat.

So while you walked towards the barn for what one
would assume was a...

Poke.

Terrible f*cking idea.

Easy k*ll. Quick mash.

Whatever you are into, baby.

Lustful encounter.

Out of characters undertaking.

You didn't.

You got in the truck,
drove over to Rosie's and...

Now, Rosie is a...

Real pretty gal.

So f*cking cute.

Ten. Damn.

Book reader.

Goddess.

Fine woman.

You can't be with one woman

and have feelings for another.

You are of the opinion
that cheaters are...

In the wrong.

Like, 95% in the wrong.

Bad? Or...

Seduced. Fair and square.

Antagonized.

Likelies a good persons
who just mades a mistake.

And you shouldn't very well
go down that road.

So...

Here's the thing...

Okay, you go.

No, you go.
Okay, I'll go.

I'm gonna move to the city.

You are gonna move to the city?

I'm gonna move to the city.

- What city?
- Vancouver.

Well, you won't get many random snowy summer nights
like this in Vancouver.

Nope. So what's in Vancouver?

Pit bull rescue.

I'm tired of reading about it every day.
I wanna help.

You're a great f*cking gal,
Rosie.

You're a great f*cking dude,
Wayne.

When will I see you?

When you see me. Good enough.

And that's what
a get out of jail free card looks like.

Boy, howdy.

Well, I should say.

Sick buddy. Sick, bro.

Can we bang now?

Wonderous!

I likes Monopoly.

So, as for Tanis...

Get after it.

Sure.

Killzone? Poundtown?

We should be banging right now.

Tanis.

You could do much worse,
good buddy.

You and Tanis are gonna give her
the old college try.

Good enough.

Good stuff.

Finally, a non-summer weddings.

I'm smilings.

Well, it seems
a little bit unfair

that at summer weddings gals get to wear
a nice, breezy summer dress

and then we're stuck
being sweaty

and sticky in some
three-piece wool suit.

I guess it can gets
quites pongies down there.

- Yeah, it can get a bit moist.
- No.

Who do you think is gonna moist the Stanley Cup,
this year, Katy?

I'm thinking Calgary.
I swear to f*cking Christ.

Oh, did you
never see Moist Story?

Or Moist Story 2,
starring Tim Allen and Tom Hanks?

- Are you out of your f*cking mind?
- I will fight you.

We don't fight at weddings.

So, Dary, are you gonna be
wearing your dad's suit?

Do falling timbers make tambers?

- Who the f*ck are you?
- Yes, Katy.

I got it for a grade 13 semi-formal
from the Letterkenny Op shop.

- Loves the Op shops.
- I'll take the Sally Ann.

D'you wanna know what?
That suit is so dad the last time you wore it,

it told me the Dire Straits
were the greatest band of all time.

That suit is so dad

it ate all the lunch meat
on the way home from the grocery store.

The suit is so dad it owns a VHS
copy of The Hunt for Red October.

So, Dan, are you gonna
cold rock a kilt?

Like my Grandpas
and his grandpas before him.

A little class, a little sass

and a lot of ass all in one
tartans garments.

Wayne, I assume you'll be wearing one
of only two suits that you own.

Two will do you. One for weddings
and one for funerals.

A good suit lasts you the rest of your life
if you take care of it.

What would you wear for a court appearance?
I've never been arrested.

What would you wear to a job interviews?
I've only ever had one job.

What would you wear to a bar mitzvah?
Not Jewish.

Bat mitzvahs? Still not Jewish.

Graham's from the city.

So there's gonna be
a lot of citiots at this thing.

I f*cking hate citiots.

They're always going on
about how we're saying,

"f*cking mutton in our
f*cking hammies".

f*cking riding our sleds down to
a f*cking pit party, bud.

Giving her tits.

I was climbing the ladder up the hay mound
behind your brother and ew!

Ripped a fart that sounded like
a creaky door opening

inside a hot air balloon, but...

We do not fight at weddings.

No, but we can get laid
if we're keen to.

Sexy just wafts around
at weddings.

Plenty of opportunities
for people looking to do some yessing.

A little bit
of wedding spreading.

A little bit of matrimonies
and hide the balonies.

Oh, sure, maybe some exchanging of rings
and rubbing of things.

Clear eyes.

Full Windsors.

Can't lose.

Clean up well, Cowboy.

Well, a good suit will last the rest of your life
if you take care of it.

And me?

Well, I wouldn't kick you out of bed for eating
f*cking crackers, Tanis.

Top shelf ceremony, boys.

Short, sweet
and not too much God.

I'm told God doesn't have much time
for gays these days, so...

Par for the course, I guess.

Real prouds of Dax and Ronsford
jumps in the brooms like that.

Good guys. Good grooms.

I wonder what that must be like.

What? Getting hitched?

No, being into dudes.
I've got so many questions.

Yeah, and I wanna hear
exactly zero of them.

It's like, what if you
are attracted

to somebody
with the same name as you?

Is it like, "How fun"?

Or is it f*cking weird?
lt'd be f*cking weird.

Quite likely.
That's never happened to me.

Guess the closest I ever came to it was almost doing it
with a gal named Sheryl.

Yeah, I suppose
it'd kindsa be like the time.

I almost hooked up with a gal who had
the same names as my Grandmas.

That would be
f*cking off-putting.

It was. lt was distracting
at inappropriate times...

With...

Ruth.

I wish there was a g*dd*mn way
I could do it with a Katy.

Ew! Or a Kate or a Caitlin.

I guess Katherine would even be
walking the line.

There's no way I could do it
with a Wayne.

Ew! Unless it was Gretzky
or Rostad.

Or Newton.

I'd bow to the great ones.
I'd bend right over.

I'd like Gretzky
in my office behind the net.

I'd be a jar of curry in a f*cking hurry just
feeding him all night long.

I promised Mess
I wouldn't do this.

I just promised to mess.

I'd let Gretzk leave my ass
seriously McSorely

I'd let that lady
Bing lady bang me.

That's 69 with 99 into overtime.

I'd just straight up
let him 99 me.

Howdy who. Ah, what's a 99?

It's just f*cking
while spooning.

All right, boys.

Show me what you can do
with a cock.

Hail!

Hey-ho.

Oh, good day, lads.

Did you ride
your f*cking sleds here?

Oh, are you f*cking matting her?

Is she a charity ride,
like, "Holy f*ck"?

Just about clear putting it
in the f*cking rhubarb.

Yous just gonna stand there
rubbing your peckers or what?

Oh, she's f*cking tits, eh?

D'you give her beans, bud?
D'you give her boots, bud?

Do you give her f*cking torque?

Do you wanna get f*cking smoke?

Or are you taking her easy?

If she's easy,
take her twice, bud.

We'll call you toonie two times.

Let's do her manure.

Isn't this the part where you...
We don't fight at weddings.

Those citiots can f*cking tie
their dicks in a knot.

They can go piss up a rope.

Gretzky, Rostad
and Newton for Katy, eh?

I'm surprised Lil Wayne
didn't make the cut.

What?

Great dress, Bonnie. Thanks.

Op Shop.

You look like
the girl who punched my V ticket.

What's your nationality?

You ever seen the back seat
of a BMW X3?

You should be honored.
My buddy here only fucks tens.

Only tens. Right in the X.

Seriously, come outside.
I'll show you the 3.

It's actually the exact same
as the 5.

X5.

BMW.

Just way better on gas.

Living the Beem.

Stewart, I knowyou are the world's
foremost fire selector,

but this is a wedding and I promised the grooms
we'd play songs like.

Brown Eyed Girl and Shout
and Lean on Me,

Ain't No Mountain High Enough
andMambo No. 5.

Yous guys got the Chicken Dance
ready to play yet?

I f*cking love that song,
I'll tell you.

I put it on in the barn for the cluckers
when them pecker-faced bastards

ain't dropping eggs,
I just love it.

Are you being facetious? Huh?

Can your vestigial minds even comprehend the derogatory
nature of your requests?

Or maybe you could compromise?

Do something cool like b*at juggle
the Chicken Dance?

Here, take...

Enough!

Deejaying is an art form.

A medium in which the most prolific audio auteurs
of our time can speak through.

A deep connection
of the soul of yourself

and the gyrating asses
of the great unwashed

who eagerly thirst
for your deafening compositions.

I like gyrating assesbut I'm pretty sure
it ain't art there, bud.

Yeah, wouldn't you have to
have written the songs yourself for it to be art?

I'm sorry, composed?

I think the word is produced.

Right, or at least didn't download off the lnternet
so you could profit off them.

Yeah, you are more like an art dealer
than an artiste.

Or like an art gallery curator.

Selling stolen paintings.

That you printed
off the lnternet.

Whoa!

If you do not fall back,

and fasten that lip.

Your other, thinner lip.

I'll turn this elegant, soigne ceremony
of the coming together of two bonded souls

into a straight up blood rain.

Hey! Over here.

Chicken Dance.

Get it?

Just wanna go.

Good game you f*cking beauties.

Way to tape your
sticks together, boys.

You two make a hot pairing.

Five minute major and a lifetime misconduct
for butt ending.

You boys enjoying yourselves?

Acting single. Seeing double.

Drinking triples.

Daxy, I gotta say,

solid work on the big city
slam prospects.

Solid big city
slam scouting, Daxy.

Boys, a little, uh,
players only here.

You are not pulling tonight.

Yes, we are.

These are modern city gals.

None of them have any interest
in hockey player types.

Boys, big muscles haven't
been popular with the ladies since Jersey Shore.

The only way to getany attention from a
cosmopolitan, college gal type

is to get in touch
with your inner twink.

You need to be less
power forward

and more power bottom.

We'll getour wedding stylist
to help them out.

So we need to...

Spruce up our look?

No.

You gotta bruce up your look.

So Professor Tricia says that Letterkenny has developed
into quite the h*m* scene

and we can rightly expects
a Pride parades next springs.

Never been to a Pride parade.
What's it like?

It's like a Santa Claus parade.

Except instead of handing out candy,
they hand out condoms.

I should probably start
thinking about a name right now.

Great Day for gay.
A Hard Gay's Night.

Eyes Pride Shut.
Pride Green Tomatoes.

Pride of Chucky.
lndependence Gay.

Ferris Bueller Gets Off.

Star Wars Rogue One.

The Princess Pride.
Pride of Frankenstein.

Pride and Go Seeks.
Carlito's Gay.

Night of the Giving Head.
Lay Anything.

Final Mantasy.

Third Cock from the Sun.

How fella Got His Groove Pack.

The Gay the Earth Stood Still.

Eat, Gay, Love.

Dr. Strangelove

or how I learned
to stop wearing, "Love the Bum".

Bonnie and Pride.

Oh, Bonnie McMurray.

You boys tried the catering yet?

I am chomping at the bit
to get one of those cupcakes.

Nots to be impolite, Dary

but it's actually
champing at the bits.

Oh, you got those
pits ready for your f*cking ponies?

How many ponies you got under your hood?
You got a frigging hemmy under there?

How many CCs is your sled?

Do you f*cking pin her
when you get pickled there, bud?

Oh, I really f*cking gave it
to her last night.

Working hard or hardly working?

What happenedto the part where...
We don't fight at weddings.

I gotta piss.
I'll come with you.

Yeah, same. Okay, let's go.

My cock he lives now. Redux.

What's up, ladies?

What is your nationality?

Grow up around here?

Have any tattoos?

I got a Celtic symbol
on my calf.

I got a Nike swoosh
right above my heart.

I got you a drink.
I swear it's not a roofie.

Yes, it is. Of course, it is.

Hey, that's a real nice dress.

Look a lot nicer
on my hotel room floor.


You ever seen the front seat
of a Honda del Sol?

I'll have a roll
in your hay any day.

We don't fight at weddings.

I got a Harman Kardon
system in the 3.

X3.BM m*therf*cking W, baby.

It's actually
way better than Bose.

Dickskin? Dickens.

Fellas, a list of my requests.

To be played back two, back two ,
three, four, well I have five songs...

No requests.

How dare thou come into
my private roost

of penetrating beats with an audacious act
of social and musical treason.

Every single one of these
is a Brooks and Dunn song.

Starting with
the Boot Scootin' Boogie.

I didn't realize
they had other songs.

Of all the boogies,the Boot Scootin'
is the last one I would

and will ever t*rture
myself or others with.

I'll give you a Boot Scootin'.

What about Blame lt on the Boogie
by the Jackson 5?

Boogie, Oogie, Oogie,
A taste of honey.

Boot Scootin'.Boogie Wonderland,
by Earth Wind & Fire.

Elton John'sStreet Boogie.

This wedding needs a boogie and
it's gonna be Boot Scootin'.

Born to Boogie, T Rex?

Boogie Woogie Wu,
lnsane Clown Posse.

Zip g*n Boogie, T Rex again.

Take the damn boogie
and make it a Boot Scootin'.

I'm Your Boogie Man,
KC and the Sunshine band.

I'm Your Boogieman,
White Zombie.

I hoped it wouldn't come
to blows over a boogie.

But I'll damn well go to blows.

For the Boot Scootin' Boogie.

Not happening, Dickskin.
Dickens!

I got it. I got it.

I got the Chicken Dance.

Went home and got it
out of the cassette player in the tractor.

You play it now or later.
Either way, you'll play it.

Or you'll die.

What's with the super sad
glassware, boys?

What's with your hair?

Oh, just got some
big city prospects.

Don't wanna risk putting a big goose egg
up on the board.

Don't wanna fan
on a yonny cage, buddy.

So, we bruced up our looks.

What does that mean?

Don't worry about it.
Don't worry about it, yeah.

How's that going for ya?

Uh, good. We got bites.

Yeah.

Well, we got like, a... A bite.

They were 50 though.

I took downan older lady once.
It was kinda fun.

Kinda weird. Why?

Well, after she made a pizza.

Sick, buddy.
She ordered a pizza.

No, made a pizza.

From scratch, buddy.

I had to sit and talk

while she made a pizza.

You two look like dandies.

You look like pansies.

You know, the landscape
might be changing

but manly men
never go out of style.

Hello, ladies.

Yeuch, I can't drink
this sh*t anymore.

What am I a ballerina trying
to get skinny?

I'm gonna get some rye, babe.

Cheers.

Katy got hit on
by a top hat guy.

A top hat. A guy in a top hat.

I'd rather take down
a city than a guy in a top hat.

Oh, I don't know, Ms. Katys.

Some men looks
quite statelys in a top hat.

Scrooge McDuck comes to mind.

Mr. Peanut. Slash.

The guy from T Rex. Abe Lincoln.

Uncle Pennybags from Monopoly.
Willy Wonka's.

The Cat in the Hat.
Guy from T Rex again.

Oh, hey there, buds.

Is she a manual?
Or are you driving a bitch stick?

You like bud lite?
You like butt holes around here.

Oh, did you get your pecker stuck
in a bottle of brew?

Where's your sweety bud?

Did she leave you to your John
and your John Deere?

Where's your John q*eer, bud?

I was brought up on Looney Tunes and only dancing
when nobody's around.

Learned the heck
out of it that way, Dan.

I am f*cking irritated.

We don't fight at weddings.

Right.

We don't fight at weddings.

Ten four? Over and out.

Hello, ladies. Ladies.

Can we interest you
in a sh*t of sourpuss?

Perhaps a half glass
of white zinfandel?

Have you looked at
any interesting furniture lately?

I admire his eye
for interior design.

What are you two going on about?

You are really missing the mark.

You know, metrosexuality
went out of style

with the Von Dutch and Chingy.

We are into men.
Classic men, athletic types.

You don't look like
you can fix my car.

You don't look like you can fix
a sliding screen door.

What? Wha... What?

We're ... We're hockey players.

We're the snipe, celly boys.

Dirty f*cking dangles boys.

What are you guys
going on about now?

Now you are just being posers.
It's pretty pathetic.

Even if you are hockey players,
we are not puck bunnies.

Or lacrosse-titutes.

I don't even drink...
I drink beer.

Where are you guys
staying tonight?

There's only motel
in this sh*t hole, so that one.

I've never ridden
in a BMW X3 before.

What about a BMW X3
with a luxury leather package?

She just said she'd never ridden
in one, idiot.

Take me home.

Ladies and gentlemen.

The song for the first dance...

Chosen by...

The grooms.

I can't wait
to take sauce from you

and slot from now
until the horn blows

at the end
of quadruple overtime.

Playoff rules, nice.

There was always an open bet.

I'll take the tender tonight.

A six man, you know
what I am talking about.

As long as you can bury.
Oh, we will find a hole.

You can't slip one past me.
Let's steer this back.

* Sucking on my titties

* Like you wanted me

* Calling me all the time
Like Blondie

* Check out my chrissy behind

* lt's fine all of the time

* Like sex on the beaches

* What else is in the
teachesOf peaches?

* Huh? What?

* Sucking on my titties
Like you wanted me

* Calling me
All the time like Blondie

* Check out my chrissy behind

* lt's fine all of the time

* What else is in the
teachesof peaches?

* Like sex on the beaches

* Huh? What?

* Huh, right

* What?

* Huh? What?

* Right

* f*ck the pain away

* Huh? What?

* Right

* Huh? What?

* Right

* What else in the teaches
of peaches?

* Like sex on the beaches

* What?

* Right

* SIS, IUD

* Stay in school

* 'Cause it's the best

* IUD, SIS

* Stay in school

* 'Cause it's the best

* IUD, SIS

* Stay in school

* 'Cause it's the best

* IUD, SIS

* Stay in school

* 'Cause it's the best

* Sucking on my titties
Like you wanted me

* Calling me
All the time like Blondie

* Check out my chrissy behind.

Yous looking for trouble?
Yous looking for trouble?

Yous looking for trouble?
So what if we are?

We don't fight at weddings.

Wouldn't dream of it, bud.

* f*ck the pain away

* Huh? What?

* Right. Uhh

* Huh? What?

* Right. Uhh

* What else is in the
teaches of peaches?

* Like sex on the beaches

* What? Right. Uhh

* f*ck the pain away

* f*ck the pain away *
Post Reply