06x02 - Bush Party Season

[bunniefuu]

The dog gave you
a wee bit of a scare
the other day.

A stroke?
That's what I said.

But he didn't have a stroke.
That's what they said.

Why'd you thinks
he was havin' a strokes?

Well, he was out layin'
in the sun for a few hours,

when he came back up the house,
his back end was all honey d*ck.

How so?

Well, it was like he was trying
to walk and scratch himself
at the same time

and his brain couldn't figure
out which one to focus on.

So what did you do?

I said, "Oh, f*ck, this is it."

Is that what you did?

I said, "Oh, f*ck,
you're getting the needle.

"Better get one ready
for me, too."

He's okay, good buddy.

Oh, f*ck,
"If we're diggin' a hole,

"better dig a big one,
I'm gettin' in there with him."

But it's all been sorted?

Oh, it's all sorted but I said,
"Oh, f*ck," Dary.

Yeah, we oughta leave
this world behind.
That's what I said.

You knew that he was
on bladder meds
for the last three weeks.

f*ckin' geezer.

And that he'd be passing
the bladder stones
sometime around now

and to expect
some odd behavior,

you still go
worst case scenario?

I said, "Oh, f*ck, this is it."

And what was the verdict?

Passin' bladder stones.

Exactly. Just passing
some bladder stones.

There a f*ckin' echo
in here, Katy?

I think he faked it.

Faked what?

A stroke.

Why would the dog
fakes a strokes?

Gus faked a stroke so that
he could go to the vet and get
a thermometer up the bum.

Look, if you're comin'...

you better come correct.

Well, look how Stormy responds
to a thermometer up the bum.
Hates her life.

No time for a knuckler
there either.

No time for a two‐knuckler.

There's no such thing
as a three‐knuckler.

Which we've established.

Cito, too. Even the sight
of a thermometer,
send him scrambling.

Yeah. God help the vet
tries to throw a knuckler
up Cito's bum.

Vet might not get that one back.

What are you sayin' here, Katy?

I'm saying that Gus is...

Look, if you're comin'...
you better come correct!

Gus is gay.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, he is.

No, he isn't.

Yeah, he is.

Have you ever seen him
mount a female?

He's a gentleman.

But you've seen him mount
countless males.

He'd mount the red‐hot tailpipe
of a high CC quad.
Katy, come off it!

What if he is gay?
What's the big deal?

I don't give a f*ck if he's gay.

Maybe you do.

Maybe you think that...

Just gimme a minute.
Gotta let that...

Gotta let that marinate.

Hey, Dary,
what if Gus was gay?

I don't give a f*ck
if he's gay.

Dan, what if Gus is gay?

Well, Professor Tricia's...
I withdraw.

See, Wayne, Gus is gay.
What's the big deal?

I already said I don't give
a f*ck if he's gay.

Well, that makes me very happy.

Just don't, uh...

Don't go sayin' that
around McMurray.
Why?

McMurray gets weird
about that stuff.

How so?

Like, he's fine with it,
if you're gay...

If you're q*eer.

Maybe he'd like to get
honey dickin'.

He just, uh, gets kind of weird
talkin' about it, is all.

How does he talk about it?

Well, he'll just get
all uncomfortable, you know.

He'll be like, ahem...

"Uh, you know, if one of them
come up to me and say,
'You're f*ckin' cute, bud...'

"From what I said
right from the start

"at the very beginning,
'I ain't one of ya.'"

That is about the best sh*t
I've heard all day.

Ahem, "If they ever come up
to me and say,
'f*ck, are you cute, bud.'"

"You wanna know what I said
right from the start
at the very beginning?"

"Yeah, uh, I... I love my wife.
And you know, uh..."

Keep it away from me?

"No... not around me."

"Because, I ain't one of ya."

This is fascinating.

You know, Professor Tricia...

You know what, Dan? Enough!

WAYNE: "Ahem, I ain't one of ya.

"No, but, uh,
yous got your street,

yous got your day
and from what I'm told,
yous are here to stay.

"Just keep it away from me,
'cause I ain't one of ya."

L.O.L.

"You know why?
I don't really care, I mean,

"I don't like being told what
to do myself there, either."

"Yous got your street.
Yous got your day."

"Oh, boy, do I love my wife
and, boy, she loves me."

"From what I'm told
yous are here to stay..."

"Not anywhere near me."

"Ahem, I ain't one of ya,
but, uh, you know,
you can think I'm cute,

"but, uh, you know,
you're a good enough guy,

"but, uh, I see we both
like tight T‐shirts, but...

"We can have a beer,
but nothin' else.

'Cause I ain't one of ya."

"Talkin' about, uh...
You know, maybe, maybe
you ever been to 'Pulco?"

"What you never been down 'Cun?"

"Ever been down
to that 'Minican?"

"Ever been down Caico?"

"Gotta go down to Caicos,
you never been to Caicos."

"Plenty of yous
in the Florida Keys."

"Florida Keys,
Florida for me's."

"Plenty of yous down Key West."

"I love the Key West...
Key West is the best."

"Plenty of yous down Miami."

"Oh, hot jimmy‐don‐bobby,
I been down to Miami."

You all right with it
if the dog's gay?

Much told gays
are here to stay. So...

Guess he does always
spring that red rocket
when he's up on your lap.

So that was in the cards.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(IMITATES SWIPING)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Snipes.

Oh... sn*pers.

Hey, boys, quick row down?
Yeah, quick pow‐wow, boys.

You guys sure you want
your sn*pers just cruising
in there unattended?

Chest puffer convention
in there, boys.

Dudes walking around
with watermelons under each arm.

Nothin' to worry about there.

Uh, no reason not to trust her
'til she gives you one, boy.

Wow, that's
a mature approach, boys.

Thinking the game far
beyond your years, boys.

You guys comin'
to bush party tonight?

You bet.
You?

The bush party
we're hosting?

Yeah.

Perhaps.

Mmm... boys.
Boys!

We got a bet going
with Ronsy and Daxy...

Who can tally
the most take downs.

That's a mature approach, boys.

Thinking the game
far beyond your years, boys.

Mmm. All the college
and uni tail home
for the summer, boys.

Gotta get it while the getting's
goodest and the goods
about to get got, get it?

Got it.
Good.

More to that.

The college and uni kids
that are home

that have taken
their fightin' skills
to the city for a year,

they're thinkin'
they're tougher than nails.

More to that.

There's a chest puffer in there

beaking about being
the toughest guy
in his college town.

And I think you know
what that means.

Well, are you gonna tell me?

Well, if he's sayin' that
he's the toughest guy
in his college town,

college towns are bigger
than our town

and that would also make him
the toughest guy in...

BOTH: The toughest guy
in Letterkenny.
(FARTS)

Who's the toughest guy
in Letterkenny?
Here we go now.

Just givin' you a heads up.

More to that.

Suckers are fair game
at a bush party.

Yeah, like, if you see a dude
giving me the stink eye,

best just walk over there
and sucker him.

Yeah, because he's likely
thinking about suckering you.

Now you
don't wanna get suckered.

Yeah, we know the rules
at a bush party, boys.

All about the W's
at a bush party, boys.

They don't ask how,
they ask how many
at a bush party.

Some chest puffer in there
saying he's the toughest guy
in Letterkenny.

How'd that work out
for you, JB?

One's the loneliest number, bud.

Yeah, well,
second place is first loser.

Lotta chin waggin' going on
in there, eh?
Yous ready?

You tellin' me
I don't look it?

Heads on a swivel, boys.
Use your peripherals.

Who the f*ck are you?

Him or me, boys.
Only rule of suckers.

Here we go now!

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Holy sh*t, you just hop off
a horse or were ya
f*cked up the ass?

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)
Tough carrying around those
watermelons all day, pheasant?

Enjoy the water weight
'til your creatine
runs out, bud.

You're gonna look like someone
stuck a f*ckin' pin in ya.

Breathe, pilon.

You're gonna get
f*ckin' hemorrhoids.

Way to hustle, bro.

SHORESY: f*ck, you could cut
the sexual tension
over there with a Kn*fe.

Give your balls a tug,
tit fucker.

f*ck you, Shoresy.
Put a shirt on.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Reilly.

Go scoop it
off your mom's bedroom floor
for me.

She gives my nipples
butterfly kisses.

f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.

Your mom sh*t cum straight
across the room and k*lled
my Siamese Fighting Fish.

Threw off the pH levels
in my aquarium,
you piece of sh*t.

f*ck you, Shoresy.
Do you hear yourself?

f*ck you, Reilly.

Should have heard
your mom last night,

she sounded like
a window closing
on a Tonkinese cat's tail.

Sounded like, "Ah..."

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Jonesy.

Should have heard
your mom last night.

She sounded like my great‐aunt
when I pull a surprise visit.

She was like, "Oh..."

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Reilly.

Your mom sneaky gushed so hard,
she bucked me off the waterbed
last night.

Don't tell her I was thinking
about Jonesy's mom
the entire time!

f*ck you, Shoresy.

f*ck you, Jonesy.

Your mom ugly cried
'cause she left the lens cap
on the camcorder last night.

It's f*ckin' amateur hour
over there! (FARTS)

BOTH: f*ck you, Shoresy!

That's it, Roaldy.

Just enough to turn it green.

I never thought I'd be able
to put a wholesome spin
on drug dealing,

but here we are.

GHB is the best party drug
when used properly.

What's it like?

It's like the chattiness
of good blow,

with the euphoric high
of good M.

No way!

And half the come down.
No way.

And you keep your appetite.

Dee‐lish.

Kinda just flail.

Ho‐lee.

But when used improperly,
it's the date r*pe drug.
Ew.

That's why we put
green dye in it.

In case some
financial district chauch

with contentious intentions
tries to slip it
into some girl's drink...

...she'll know.

I'd sure like to try it.

I like sober Roald.
I like sober Gae.

STEWART: Gae...

Can't feel my legs...

Not as much
as I like sober Stewart.

We'll go to the club
at midnight.

ROALD:
Sure thing, partner.

(MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS)

Make that 12:30.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON SPEAKERS)

Nope.

And you better not
be the ones

who have been crop‐dusting
this place
for the past half hour.

It's f*ckin' gross.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

What are you doing?

I don't know,
straw bales and barley.

Just between us girls?

(BOTH SPEAKING FRENCH)

I'm a little concerned
about my electrolytes.

Feels like they're
a little bit depleted.

You gotta stay hydrated.

Look, if your pee isn't clear,
you're not hydrated.

Just gotta approach this thing
like a marathon runner.

Throwin' so much hip in this
sort of weather's a great way
to get heat stroke.

Ever had heat stroke?
No.

You don't want it.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

I'm actually surprised
to see you out here doing this.

Suppose you gotta find time
for other things, though.

The day'll get away on ya.

You know, I don't mean to bring
this up to your back door
like this or anything...

No, no.
If a friend asks for help,
you help him.

I'm not complaining.

I know you better than that.

Just... just between us girls?

Just between us girls.

(IN ENGLISH) Girl talk.

Girl talk.

SHORESY: Whoever did that,
that's f*ckin' Timbits hockey.

That's Saturday morning
tyke skills camp.

Hey, nice butt... Let's get
some f*ckin' bubble tea!

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Hey! We said
watch our drinks.

BOTH: f*ckin' idiot!

I did!
No, you didn't. Look!

Why are they green?

Because someone put G in them.

G's not green.
BIANCA: Yes, it is!

DEALER: No, it isn't.
ALY: Yes, it is.

And you shouldn't sell
that stuff anymore.
It's not safe.

It's not supposed
to be safe. It's dr*gs.

It doesn't matter anyway.
No one will buy it
from you that way.

Let's go find who's selling
the green stuff.

Whoa, whoa, whoa! What?

Somebody else
is selling in here?

Yeah. And keeping us safe.
Some vigilante sh*t.

And when a girl asks you
to watch her drink,
watch her f*ckin' drink.

BOTH: f*cking idiot!

(DUBSTEP MUSIC PLAYING)

(GRUMBLES)

(PHONE RINGS)

'Lo...

Of course I'll be there,
it's on the property...

'Kay.

Chest puffer's coming.

Ch‐ch.

(INAUDIBLE)

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

What... what's going on there?

Take downs,
by the looks of it.

No. With the Amish girls.

No, they're not Amish.
They're Mennonite.

What's the difference?

Mennonites can use
cars and electricity.
Amish can't.

Menno‐nappers.

Menno‐night riders.

Shmelly's.

They're in this period
of their lives called Rumspringa

where they can just carry on
like the rest of us for a while.

Call us the English.

Yeah.
We're in the English world.

We've been called worse.

They can co to parties and be
sh*t heads without any
consequence from their parents.

They can still go home
and have a bed to sleep
in no matter what.

Why just let them
go be sh*t heads?

Well, it's to help them decide
whether or not they want to stay
in the English world permanently

or go back
to the Mennonite world
and be with their families.

What's in the Mennonite world?

Whole lotta chorin'.

Great pride in community.

Generations and generations
of inbreedings.

How many stay
in the English world?

Few.

But some do?

KATY: Yep...

Some do.

(PARTY MUSIC PLAYING)

Roald!
Stewart!

Has our modus operandi
escaped you?

Stewart?
Our M. O.!

f*ck emo.

Inconspicuous!

I'm to spit in this?
Veil your transactions.

I'm down for trans action.

Keep your dealings disclosed,
lest we be made manifest.

Are you guys sellin'
the green G?

That's us!
Shh!

Pleasure.
This is some vigilante sh*t.

Grazie.

Wayne!

Who the f*ck are you?

I'm the toughest guy
in Letterkenny.

Ch‐ch.

Have an eye for suckers.

We got 'em.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIBLE)