06x03 - The City

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
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Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
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06x03 - The City

Post by bunniefuu »

You're havin'... Dary?

Breh‐fekst.
Atta boy.

...with your pals
the other day.

You wearin' perfume, bud?

Perfumes is for womens,
good buddy.

He's wearin's the cologne.

It's actually
an eau de toilette.

Eau de toilet.
Eau de dew‐dah‐day.

What's the difference?

Well, a cologne is about
seven's percent's
aromatic essence

that dissolves in alcohols.

Whereas an eau de toilette
is 10% aromatics essences.

There you go.
An eau de toilette like this

will evaporate from
your skin pretty rapidly.

So, you're gonna wanna
load up on it.

You could still take a good
23 to 27% off'er, bud.

You never wears too much
perfumes, Miss Katy's.

And that's
what I appreciate's
about you's.

Let's not.
DARYL:
This eau de toilette is

enchantingly refreshing
on summer days like this.

That may the softest thing
you've ever said, Dary.

No, it isn't.
What is?

"I can't stand harsh metals
against my skin."

They give me a rash.

Oh, I love's pancakes.

ALL: Thank you, ladies.

These are actually crepes.

Pancakes with a French spin.

What's the difference?

Pancake batter has
a rising agent in it.

Baking powder.
There you go.

It makes them
thick and fluffy.

Crepe batter doesn't have
a rising agent in it,
so they're thinner.

Ch‐ch.

All's I know is that these
would be great with some
Elmira's maple syrup.

You's two's could open up
a crepe shop with these.

Wanna know what?
I already told her that.

We call it,
Planet of the Crepes.

Crepe Canaveral.

The Crepe Crusader.
Crepe Winslett's.

Do the Carpets
Match the Crepes?

The Crepe of Things.

Date Crepe.
DAN: I don't know
about that one.

It's Crepes on a Date.
Get your mind outta the gutter.

The Great Es‐Crepe.

Crepe Fear.
Sex, Lies and Video Crepe.

Sadako and the Thousand
Paper Crepes.

Great book...
It's actually pronounced "krep."

Yeah, you guys kind of
butcher our language.

Well, to be fair...

To be fair‐ah...
To be fair...

To be fair‐ah...

To be fair‐ah...

there's folks in France who
think you's guys butcher
your language. So...

ALL: Ooh!

Who gives a crepe!

Wanna know what?
There's pretty good ones
for "krep" as well.

Johnny Crepe.
Holy Crepe.

Total E‐Crepes of the Heart.

Crepe Up,
starring Channing Tatum.

Crepe Up 2: The Streets.

Crepe Le Pew.

Le Creppaneur.
I'd have a Crepsi‐Cola.

Rips, Crepes,
Revelations!

Crepititis.

Oh, jeez, I don't knows
about that one.

Will you get off
my d*ck today?

Led Creppelin.

You know,
if I keeping eatin'
all these crepes...

I might get a crepe worm.

(LAUGHS)

Like a... it's like...

it's like a tapeworm,
but it's having the...

No. Nope.

Wish you weren't so
f*ckin' awkward, bud.

Breakfast.

Atta boy.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

'lo?
Oh, it's Stewart!
He's in trouble...

Who was that?
Skid.

Hello.
It's Stewart! He's in tr...

Who was that?

Skid.

Ahoy, hoy...
Stewart's in trouble!

Call me first, next time.

He's deh...

Isn't he sober now?

Yeah, but he... he's...
he's... he's... (WEEPING)

Slow down.
He's... he's... he's...
(WEEPING)

Breathe, Roaldy.

(SOBBING)

Healing?
Dealing!

Dealing?
Shocker.

(SOBBING)Yeah.
There's another deh... and he...

and he said
he's gonna k*ll him.

Okay. Well, stop deh‐healing
and come home.

He won't... he won't!

Why not?
Because he's a vigi...

he's a vigilante!

f*ck sakes.

Okay. We're coming.
No... yeah.

No, we're not.
Yes, we are.

No, we're not.
Yes, we are.

No, we're not.
Dan, get off my d*ck today.

Sorry, Miss Katy's.

What's the problem, Wayne?

You don't wanna
go to the SPCA
and play with the dogs?

Oh!

What's the matter, Dary?

You don't wanna go
to the food court in the mall

and get a little of everything
to create the perfect meal?

Oh!

And Dan, if,
you get off my d*ck,

we'll play Big Buck Hunter
HD 42‐inch wild

in one of
the Donnelly bars.

Robin Hood...

pop culture's most
beloved vigilante.

Boisterous.

Rebellious.

Unstoppable.

Just like me.

Katy and the hicks
are coming here

and they're gonna
take us home.

No‐ah!
Yes‐ah!

No‐ah!
Yes‐ah!

"No" what?

He said, "No‐wah"!

We keep dr*gs safe.

It's not supposed to be safe.
It's dr*gs!

(GASPS)

You don't relish being
a vigilante, Roald?

This is the third note stuck
to the door this week!

Mmm. The grammar's atrocious.

Exceptionally odious.

That's what makes it scary.

They're too hardcore
to proofread.

Hard corny.
(CHUCKLES)

You're so f*ckin' funny.

If they don't take the edifice
of their letter seriously,

why would I take
their thr*at seriously?

One mistake is enough
for you to ignore
the angel of death?

Two.
Two?

Two mistakes!
In two sentences.

Your, versus, you're,
y‐o‐u‐apostrophe r‐e,

is so f*cking basic
it's embarrassing.

If you want to say,
"You are dead,"

which this f*cking boob
has cheaply attempted,

then you'd want use... you're.

Where is the other mistake?

Omission of the word "of".

(SQUEAKS)
Oh, that may have been
an intentional omission.

Sure, Roald.
He's a man of
exorbitantly few words.

So, my reply...

(SIGHS UNHAPPILY)

"Your thr*at
is meaningless."
Ooh!

Got good hands.

(GASPS, SQUEAKS)

Stick that on the door!

Roald, I would like
to speak with Stewart
privately.

Oh...

(SMACKS)
STEWART: Ow! Again!

Dream notch on
the bedpost, boys.
Go.

Dead or alive?
Either.

Go.
Terry Fox.

Good one.
Great one.

Do you know how much ass
Terry Fox would get
if he was still alive?

He could start with mine.

Ronzy.
Go.

Gretz.
God.

Good one.
The great one.

Reilly.
Go.

Gretz.
BOTH: Get out.

Paulina.

BOTH: Gotcha.

Get it.
Jonesy.

Go.
Grande.

Ariana.
Graceful.

Glorious.
Gracias.

SHORESY:
Ariana Grande looks like
she's eight, tit‐fucker.

I'm givin' the pre‐school
your plate numbers.

ALL: Shoresy?

And Gretz's daughter's
a married woman,
you classless piece of sh*t.

She wouldn't f*ck you
if you had

Mario's dangles
and Messier's d*ck.

ALL: f*ck you, Shoresy!

f*ck you, Daxi.

You wouldn't know what to do
with the great one.

He fires bigger rockets
than Elon Musk.

Oh, f*ck you, Mary‐Anne.

f*ck you, Ronzy.
You're a marathon of dope.

Terry Fox ran
3400 miles

in a 143 days on one leg.

If he were alive,
he'd be gettin' handy's from
Hiltons and Hadids.

f*ck you, Betty‐Anne.

If Terry Fox was alive,

Gisele would be
sliding into his DM's
from Patriots' games.

f*ck you, Mary‐Anne!

If Terry Fox ran 143 days

he smashed 143 broads

and that's probably
f*ckin' light.

ALL: f*ck you, Shoresy.

If Terry Fox was alive
he'd have an interview show
like Seinfeld.

You mean, Comedians in Cars
Getting Coffee?
Yeah.

But it'd be called
Canadians in Cars
Getting Blow's.

MARY‐ANNE:
If Terry Fox was alive

he'd be smashing
J‐Law and J‐Lo
on Scar‐Jo's boat.

He'd be boatin'
with Kylie Minogue.

Let's get some
f*ckin' gyozas.

ALL: f*ck you, Shoresy!

Gimme a high five...

Oh, gimme a high five
right there.

The city is not looking
so bad right about now,
eh, big brother.

WAYNE: Know what?
I'm just happy to be alive

after sharing the expressway
with city drivers.

DARYL: Boy, howdy.

Did you ever notice that
every time you go to merge,

there just happens
to be six in‐breds

merging at the
exact same time?

Come off the ramp,
get your f*ckin' foot in it.

Yeah. And then ya got
the wannabe Indie car drivers
who have it right to the rug

who kinda fly's up
behind you and kiss bumpers.

Like, what's your hurry's there
Jimmy Hinchcliffe's?

Greg Moore
was the greatest.

Oh, yeah, he was
the f*ckin' greatest.

What's their hurry?
They've got a f*ckin'
brunch line to go wait in.

All right, well,
what's the scoop here,
Katy‐Cat?

We gonna go find
Stewart or what?

Well, now hold on one
fiscal minute here, Wayne.

Pizza, fries, sushis,
Yogen Fruz.

I thought we were
going to the food court.

Of course we are, Dary.

Szechuan, shawarma,
stir fries, Five Guys...

We can't forgets about
Colonels Cajun BBQs and DQs.

Well, there's no way
we're missing Tacos
and Quiznos,

Chipotle and Chick‐fil‐A.

Wayne, we're meetin'
the skids at the club
at around midnight.

That's still a good six
calendar hours away, Katy.
Simmer down.

Yeah, but I still have to go
find something to wear.

Show these city girls
what's up.

All right. Let's split.

You wanna know what?
It's always so tough
sayin' bye to the puppies.

Like they're so cute
you almost don't want to.

That may be the softest thing
you've ever said, big brother.

No, it isn't.
What is?

"How come no one ever
compliments me
on my eyelashes?"

You're paraphrasing.
You f*ckin' know it!

Is that what I'm doin'?
What I said was,

"I got real long eyelashes.

"But I'm surprised no one's
ever noticed that."

Gimme a high five...
high five...

(MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING)

Gae?

(MIMICS DOOR KNOCKING)

Roaldy.
Look!

Oh, this is so agitating.

I know. I'm frightened.

I'm referring to
the spelling and
the grammar, Roald.

Gives me
the coldest pricklies.

What have those wordsmiths
assembled for us this segment?

(LAUGHS) How asinine!

They can kiss my asinine.

Oh, that ass is mine...

I'm frightened!

Yet another demeaning
attempt to intimidate.

And this one
even better. Yeah.

I'm pushing the
panic button here,
you guysers.

Don't be such
a jellyfish, Roald!

My slow‐learning,
seven‐year‐old brother

even knows it's,
"If you're... y‐o‐u
apostrophe r‐e,

there... t‐h‐e‐r‐e tonight...

Comma. No period.

It's "I‐t apostrophe s...
on." Period.

I'd have chosen
an exclamation point.

I think you're right.

Past notes haven't
quite landed.
Do you know what I mean?

Yes, sans duress.

They don't exactly have
the tiger by the tail, do they?

Not exactly whipping
the excitement up to
a real fever pitch. No.

They are not.
For a plethora of reasons.

This death note, presumably
the final installment,
it requires urgency.

Some sort of accent,
I would agree.

The exclamation point guides
the reader to approach it
more threateningly.

Like, there's stakes there.
Like, "It's on!"

Right?
Exactly.

As opposed to a period.
Because, if it's me...
It's you.

I read it like... "It's on."

The period leaves the decision
up to the reader.

It does suggest
a more docile read.

There's no room
for ambiguity
in death threats.

Exclamation point?

Yes... Sex‐clamation point.

Oh...
Go stick that on the door!

Alley‐yoop.

(SIGHS) Okay.
Let's clean this sh*t up
and go back in.

I need to find
something to wear tonight.
Get my hussy on.

Give me five
calendar minutes to digest,
and I'll join ya.

Oh, so you're looking
to find a nice bench

to have a sit down
outside a lingerie store, Dary?

I'd be looking
for a sit down,

won't be no bench though.
Be the throne then, Dary?

Porcelain one. Can confirm.

You should have a sits down
in a public washrooms?

Surprised I'm not having
a sit down in a public
washroom right now.

You's would do such a thing's?

Faster than Greg f*ckin' Moore.

How could ya, Dary?

How could you do such a thing's?

Public washrooms is disgusting.

Poo particles is
literally's airborne's.

Oh, ceased mingling
with the peasants again now,
have we, Dan.

Won't find a more
violent environments
on the planet Earth.

Not for my money.

Not for my money either.

Oh, how's the weather up there
in your ivory tower, Wayne?

Well, I'll go in,
just won't have
a sit‐down.


I'll rock one,
like a good old boy.
Not a monster.

Must be nice
to have the option.

Well, I just get
the giggles is all.

Ain't nothin' to giggle about
in a cesspool of fecal matters
and pee‐pees.

Sure there is.
What?

Well... farts.

Ew.
Well, there's nothin' funnier
than a fart.

Except kids
fallin' off bikes maybe.

f*ck, I could watch kids
fall off bikes all fiscal day.

I don't give a sh*t
about your kids.

DARYL: Oh, yeah,
it's super funny.

You just be standing there,
rocking a piss,

dude will come up
next to you.
Just rip a fart.

How is that funny?
Dude droppin'
his guts like that?

I take's exceptions to it.

Well, you're supposed
to be standing there,

nobody'll say nothing,
you'll be rockin' one,
peacefully.

Then you just rip a fart.

It's not funny's.
It's f*ckin' hilarious.

What is your guys
fascination with farts?

Well, you don't know him.
He doesn't know you.

He ain't never heard one
like that before.

Yeah, farts will never
not be funny.

I will never
not laugh at a fart.

There's even a courtesy
aspect of it, too.

Ah, this should be interesting.

Well, like if you go
into a public bathroom,

there's a guy in a stall,

he'll announce his
presence to you.

Like how?

He's sittin' there
and maybe he'll clear
his throat.

Like... (CLEARS THROAT)

That's exactly
how they do it, Dary.

They go... (CLEARS THROAT)

Why would he want to announce
that he's having a sit down?

Well, the first sound
you hear is not a fart.

He's prepping you
for the acoustics.

And how is that courteous?

Well, let's say you're like me,
you get the giggles.

From a fart?
I get the giggles
from a fart, yes.

You're in there,
you're at the urinal,

you hear a fart,
you giggle a wee bit.

Get shaking.
Piss goes everywhere.

How do you think
the pee's particles
gets airborne's?

DARYL: It's weird,

'cause dudes will fart
in front of each other
any day of the week.

Soon as you get
into a public stall,

want to announce
their presence.

Make sure one doesn't
sneak up on ya.

But it's a public bathroom.

You're supposed to hear
those sorts of sounds.

It's just different
in there, Katy.

It's more intimate.
Come off it.

Some dudes want
to announce themselves
by sniffing,

which is not
the right avenue.

Ain't nothin' in there
you wanna be sniffin'.

No, I'm gonna tell ya.
All right, come on, Dary.
Let's go.

You guys should make some
betters efforts to avoid
bacteria's exposures.

Good hygiene is the
only jeans that never
goes out of styles.

Dan, I think that might be
the softest thing
you've ever said.

No, it isn't.
What is?

Okay.

One time my perennials
didn't come in for
the second year,

and you knows perennials
is exposed to live

more than two years.

So, I says,

"I'm so upset
about my perennials."

KATY: Yikes.

Dary...

(FARTS)

(CHUCKLES)

Oy! Oh, girls!

We can help with this.

(SQUEALS)
We don't want these dudes
in the club either.

Thanks, but some hicks are
coming from Letterkenny
and they're taking us home.

(STEWART AND GAE MOANING)

Good luck getting him
away from that.

Sounds like some of that
good f*ckin'...

Mmm.
Mmm‐hmm.

(WHISPERING) There may be
animals being harmed in there.

Listen to me.
Some hicks from Letterkenny
aren't gonna do it.

These dudes roll deep.

Take this sh*t seriously.

You're keeping us safe.
Even though it's not supposed
to be safe 'cause it's dr*gs.

And we appreciate it.
But you're dealing
on their turf.

They're not gonna stop
'til you're off it.

One way or another.
They do not care.

Look at their spelling.

Dangerous grammar.
Dangerous.

(WHISPERING)
That's what I said.

GAE: Oh, my god,
it's so big, Stewart!

Mmm.
Hmm.

So, how's the
take down tally, boys?

Yeah, boys.
How's the tail town?

Undressin' and progressin'
boys.

Workin' smarter, not harder.

You know what
I'm talking about.

Yeah...
How's the titty tally
on your end, boys.

Suckin' some ya‐yas?

Come on, I get off on it.
Yeah, you handlin' some knocks?

Took down an Austral‐Asian
just last week.

How exotic.

Smashed an Indo‐Laotian
two nights ago.

Festive.
I know.

Ever smashed
an Arctic‐Kuwaiti?

No.

Ever smashed
an Ecuadorian‐Albanian?

'Course.

Ever smashed
a Sierra Leonean‐Saudi?

No. Ever smashed
a Sri Lankan French citizen?

Several.

You ever smashed
a Uruguayan‐Israeli?

What?
How about a Croatian‐Quebecer.

BOTH: Likely.

You ever smashed
a Tibetan‐New Zealander?
No.

How about
a Moroccan‐Hong Konger?
No.

Ever smashed a Cuban‐Uzbek?
Come on.

You ever smashed
a Maltese‐Congolese?

Boys, I think that's a dog.

You ever smashed
a Baltic‐German‐Spaniard?

That's for sure a dog, buddy.

How about
a Baltic‐Russian‐Iraqi?

You've for sure smashed
a Peruvian‐Turk.

Everyone has.

Same way everyone's smashed
a Welsh‐Nigerian.

Gimme a Swedish‐Philipinno
for dinner.

And a Guatemalan‐Slovak
for dessert.

Ah...

Gimme a Tamil‐British
Virgin Islander, Ronzy.

Gimme a Kosovar‐Greenlander,
Daxi.

I'm gonna gobble him all up.

We could be in trouble in this
takedown tourney, buddy.

DAX: Gimme a
Qatari‐Montenegrin, Ronzy.

Gimme a
St. Lucian‐Luxembourger, Daxi.

I think
we're in trouble, buddy.

I'm gonna f*ck
a Dutch‐Afghan!

I'm f*ckin'
a Falkland Island‐Serb!

I'm gonna f*ck
a Somali‐Chinese Mainlander!

I'm gonna f*ck
an Islamic‐Spartan!

BOTH: This is Islamic‐Sparta!

(TRANCE MUSIC PLAYING)

(MOUTHING)

(CROWD CHEERING)

Um, that was pretty
f*ckin' serious.

That was pretty
f*ckin' serious.

Bringin' weapons
to a street fight.

Strike five f*ckin' million
against the city.

And a lot of them
condo buildings

just looks like
human storages to me.

Pretty f*ckin' serious, skid?

Mortally f*ckin' serious, hick.

It's time to come home, Stewart.

Can we leave now?
No!

Train ain't
comin' back, buds.

Stewart?

I said no‐ah!

Stewart, we gotta
lay low for a while.

What about...
You go your way.
I'll go another.

It's best we split up.

What about the...
Just...just for now.

I know what comes next.

Stewart...
Gae.

(SQUEAKS) Stewart?
Roald!

Why do you rebel?

I hate my parents.

And?
I hate the world.

And...

I hate myself.

Get this guy
a f*ckin' Puppers...

(SOBBING)

It's not going anywhere
any time soon.

No.

We'll rebel again.

All right,
we need to split too.

Um, Miss Katy's?
What?

Was I's able's
to successfully's...

Stay off
my d*ck today, Dan?

Yes.

And yes, you may.
Gimme competition!

You know what?
It's better with
an even number.
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