01x03 - The Fixer

Episode transcripts for the TV show "How I Met Your Father". Aired: January 18, 2022 to present.*
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Spin-off from How I Met Your Mother, Sophie tells her son how she met his Father.
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01x03 - The Fixer

Post by bunniefuu »

[Upbeat theme playing]

♪ Ba-ba-ba-ba, ba-ba-ba-ba ♪

♪ Ba-ba, da-da-da-da-da-da da-da-da ♪

Son, this is the story of the time

I tried to help someone else
fix all their dating problems

through the magic of photography.

SOPHIE'S SON [on phone]:
I feel like we've derailed.

I gave you life. You give me one night.

Now, back in ,

having the perfect profile
photo was a very big deal.

Ugh. All my photos are terrible.

Forget it! I'm not joining Tinder.

I'll just die alone or with Sid.

What? No, dude. Hannah and I plan on

dying at the exact same time at ...

- mid-penetrayshe.
- [grossed-out groans]

- And you were not invited to that party.
- That's fine!

Alone it is. Anything's better

- than joining these ridiculous apps.
- SOPHIE: Why?

You'd do great on the apps.

You're a cool, handsome musician.

Well, thank you, but no.

Actually, what I am is a part-time
music teacher who drives Uber

and is internet famous for
his rejected marriage proposal.

Look, if I join Tinder, I'm
just going to get a bunch

of mean messages from people that
recognize me as the Proposal Fail Guy.

I mean, l-l-let's just take a
glimpse at my Instagram DMs, shall we?

Uh... "You don't deserve to have balls."

[sympathetic groans]

Uh, "LOL, you suck."

But "suck" is spelled with five k's.

Uh, "You have kind eyes."

Okay, well, that one doesn't count
'cause it's from our Aunt Karen.

You know, who cares about
random internet trolls?

Jesse, I've been out with
app guys this year.

.

Oh, it was before
you struck out with Ian,

so now, technically, it's .

Oh, got it. Thanks.

guys, okay,

and I haven't given
up on finding someone.

I refuse to let you quit before
you've even gotten started.

- I don't know...
- I say

if you don't want to
join Tinder, don't join.

Thank you!

You can always spend your
Saturday nights with...

Postmates and p*rn.

Ugh, stop.

Your Kung Pao shrimp in one hand,

- your man shrimp in the other...
- [groans]

Soy sauce dripping on
your downtown dumpling...

- Okay! Fine! I'll join!
- [cheering]

You know what? I'm going
to help you crush on Tinder.

- If there's one thing I know from my ...
- .

We get it! You can count!

app guys,

it's how to create a profile
that makes a girl swipe right.

Let me do this for you, Jesse.

Repeat after me.

"Today is the first chapter
of my next great love story."

Okay. I'm never going to say that,

but I will accept your weird offer.

Great! Okay, first,

I have to take the greatest photo
of you ever for your profile.

Mm-hmm.

You're gonna be drowning
in internet honeys.

You're going to be like, "I can't
breathe! There's too many honeys!"

[laughs] Okay.

Uh, well, I teach
music classes tomorrow,

but maybe we could do
it during my lunch break?

Perfect. I'll meet you there.

- Jesse, life's gonna be alright.
- Mm-hmm.

Life's a nightmare.

Aw, babe. No luck apartment hunting?

No. Turns out, searching
for apartments in this city

without access to your
trust fund's impossible.

I have no idea how you poors did it.

Charlie! We've talked about
using "poor" as a noun.

ELLEN: Charlie's right.

I'm looking for a place, too.

I just got my harvest check
from the farm I share with my ex.

Our love may have wilted, but
our butter lettuce is poppin'.

Wait, you still get farm money?

Why aren't you paying us rent?

Because I'm on my way out.

I gotta be.

- [mashing buttons]
- Mikey!

You tell your mom your
bedtime is bullshit, okay?

Stop crying, Mikey!

Why don't you and Charlie shack up?

Because you can afford a way
better place with a roommate.

Oh my god, let's do it! Alright.

Should we get a grand piano or a
normal piano? Hm? Who am I kidding?

If you're going to get a
piano, you might as well go big.

- Alright, grand it is.
- ELLEN: Sorry.

I'm not really a... roommate person.

All good, you know.

Because I very much see
myself as a lone wolf anyway.

Solitary and... and serious.

Often nude...

I'm sure you can find someone
else to be your roommate...

I did say, "all good."



Let's do this!

Okay, repeat after me. "Today
is the first chapter"...

Never gonna say it.

Well, relax your body.

Shake it out a little.

- Angle towards me.
- Alright, ready? How's this?

Um, why are you looking up?

It's my go-to look.

I have a really prominent Adam's apple,

which I have heard on
good authority women

find irresistible.

What women?

Not my mom, if that's
what you're thinking.

Okay. Maybe posing is not our friend.

Let's-let's do something,
like, a little more natural.

We could, um...

And you're unpacking hummus.

Yeah. Let's get some
of me snacking, right?

And make sure you get the backpack,

so it's clear that I
packed this hummus myself

because backpack hummus
says that I'm prepared,

frugal, and health conscious.

Your mom tell you that, too?

Fine. No hummus.

But just make sure
to get my teeth, okay?

I didn't do two rounds
of Invisalign for nothing.



- What's that?
- Package from Hannah.

Probably our HelloFresh
meal for tonight.

We do weekly FaceTime cooking
dates to stay connected.

I think tonight we're making baked cod.

That's your secret to a happy
long-distance relationship?

Watching each other eat fish?

"Thought we could spice
things up tonight."

Hm, spice things up? What is this?

A last-minute switch to Thai?

She is so bad.

The Vyper Ace Interactive
Male... Stroker?

What is this?

She sent you a sex toy.
And not just any sex toy.

That is the Birkin bag
of sex toys. It has...

three motors.

- So fire.
- What?

Hey, I gotta record my podcast.

- I'll be back in, like, three hours.
- SID: Okay...

This thing? Game changer.

So, there's a separate toy for her,

and you can control each
other's devices with an app.

I don't know. I'm not
really a sex toy guy.

I'm not even a toy guy.

I had a bad experience with
a Lego astronaut as a kid.

He got lost... inside me.

Look... I don't care

if you stuffed a Lego astronaut
up your butt when you were little.

What? I didn't do that.
[nervous laugh] I swallowed it.

With your butt?

I'm just gonna text Hannah
and tell her I can't do this.

Uh-uh-uh! Sid,

Hannah is trying to keep
things fresh and fun and hot

from , miles away!

She is putting herself out there,
so you need to put yourself in there.

Yeah, you're right, you're right. Okay.

Okay. Okay!

So, what? Li'l Sid just...

goes into the black tube?

Your nickname for your penis
has the word "li'l" in it?

Yeah. It's ironic 'cause
he's comically large.



Ellen?

Oh... Hey.

I guess we have the same
taste in apartments, huh?

[nervous laugh]

Hey. Maybe we should
be roommates, after all.

Just kidding. I know that
roommates aren't your thing.

Hi. I'm Ralph, Ellen's new roommate.

See, I thought that I... I get it.

Well, Ralph must be, like, your
best childhood pal or something.

I met him on Craigslist an hour ago.

Wow. Okay, well, that is hurtful.

And also dangerous.
That man could be a...

[whispers]: pervert.

Hey, I'm a good guy.

I'm going to go test out the bathtub.

Look, Charlie, the truth is

I just don't think we'd be
a good fit to live together.

I'm brand new to New York.

I need to live with
someone who isn't so...

- clueless.
- Clueless?

I know my way around this city.

I even learned to keep my
mouth closed on the subway.

Open your mouth for a treat.

Ah!

- That was not a treat!
- [creepy laughter]

Yes, I got very drunk trying to
disinfect my tongue, but I learned!

- [playground chatter]
- [shutter snaps]

I'm sorry, what is this now?

It's the Karate Kid.

Alright, break's over.
You think we got it?

Do you think we got it?

- Jesse!
- Yeah?

I've practicing my Twinkle Twinkle,
and it's getting really good!

Great! I know you've been
working really hard,

and it's a complicated song.

- Some might say poetic.
- [shutter snapping]

Hey, kid. Do me a favor.

Hold this light reflector up for me?

Come on, I'll give you an Altoid.

Here we go. Quick. I
don't wanna miss this sh*t.

Uh, uh, Sophie, please stop
photographing me and this child.

Okay, but this could actually work.

Okay, you, this cute kid? This is money!

MAN: Jesse!

Drew.

Hi. Sophie,

this is Drew.

The vice principal.

- What's going on here?
- Oh...

Jesse needs a date, real bad,

and this little boy's
the only hope we've got.

Where's my Altoid?



- Drew, listen...
- Let me explain.

We're taking these photos for Tinder.

No, no, no, no, no.

For Jesse's Tinder!

To get him dates! We are not
trying to get children dates.

I am very much against children dating.

So, this was all just to get
Jesse a new Tinder profile pic?

- Yes.
- [laughs] Good luck with that.

Jesse's signature looking-up face
ruined the faculty photo this year.

It-it was like he was seeing an
airplane for the very first time.

[laughs] I know, right?

"My god, a flying machine.

- Whatever will they think of next?"
- [laughing]

- [Jesse mouthing]
- [Drew laughs]

Hey, have we met before?
You-you look familiar.

I don't think so. I
have one of those faces.

Oh, I-I don't think you
have one of those faces. I...

I think you have a
singularly great face.

[school bell ringing]

Uh, I should go.

Sophie, it's very nice to meet you.

[laughs]

I do need to ask you to leave
the premises immediately.

But it was very nice meeting you.

You, too. I understand. [nervous laugh]

[sighs]

Wow. He was super into you,

even though you were giving
off strong Amber Alert vibes.

Really? You think so?

Doesn't matter. Today is
"help Jesse find love" day.

Yeah, Jesse's done, okay?

Stop. Okay, okay, maybe
the apps aren't your vibe.

Legend has it, occasionally,

people still meet in real life.

Come on. Let's go to a
bar. I'll be your wingman.

I can't.

Stop making excuses,
and let me help you.

I'm not making excuses.

It's : PM on a Tuesday. I'm at work.

Right.

Okay. We'll go later.

Normal work hours are so random.

Remember, the camera adds pounds,

so your best angle
naked is from high up.

But, not too high! You don't
want Li'l Sid to get too li'l.

Okay. Wow.

I mean, you could give a TED
Talk on cross-country coitus.

Aw, you're sweet.

I've been in a ton of LDRs.

I was in a pretty serious one
with the ambassador to Peru.

And then, I had a very hot
thing with a Polish pilot.

It is true what they
say about the Polish.

No idea what they say, but
wow. You have lived a life.

Alright!

I think my work here is done.

[sighs]

[beeping, vibrating]

- Ah!
- Get it!

- SID: I'm trying!
- VALENTINA: Well, try harder!

Well, I didn't think
it'd play hard to get!

Good day.

I know that you have many
interested parties, such as her,

but I want this apartment so much,

I'm prepared to pay
a year's cash upfront

and five percent over the asking.

Let me think about
that... Okay, yes, deal.

I thought you said you
didn't have any money.

Well, I realized that I
can pawn my gold spoon.

This is exactly what
I was talking about.

I don't want to live with
some clueless rich guy

who was born with a literal gold
spoon in his mouth! Come on, Ralph!

Not cool.

I wasn't born with it in my mouth.

It was gently placed in my hand
while I napped in my diamond crib.

You can't put a gold
spoon in a baby's mouth.

Choking hazard.



[party chatter]

[text notification]

[quiet music]

It's Drew. He's asking
for your phone number.

- Really?
- Yeah, should I give it to him?

- Nah, no. He's not really my type.
- Really?

You guys were all giggling and smiling

and talking about how
singular your face is.

I said I'm good. Now, stop trying
to change the subject, okay?

Go talk to her.

And say what?

How about, uh... "Hey!

- I think you're gonna like me."
- So, lie to her?

Fine. [clears throat]

- Hey!
- Hey.

I think you're gonna like me.

Oh, am I?

Honestly, it could go either way.

I mean, some people
think that I'm charming,

but other people kind of
find me, like, to be a lot.

Uh...

I could buy you a drink
if you're interested

in figuring out which
category you fit into.

Sure. I'll have a margarita.

Okay.

She will have a margarita.

[phone chimes]

- Hey, babe.
- HANNAH: Hey. Whoa,

you look amazing! Great angle.

Really? 'Cause I didn't
even think about my setup.

Okay, I'm turning mine...

- on.
- [vibrating]

Okay, well, watch out 'cause
soon I'll be turning you on.

[buzzing]

[grinding, shorting]

Uh... Wait, something's wrong with mine.

[buzzing]

- [beeping]
- God, the WiFi in here is so bad.

Come with me.

Anyone home?

Alright.

Yeah, the signal's way better in here

- [beeping, buzzing]
- Okay.

Let me just open the app
that controls your toy...

MICHAEL BARBARO [on toy]:
Today on The Daily...

- SID: This thing has a speaker!
- BARBARO: ...the survivor

- of a rare bacterial infection...
- [beeping]

- Is that... The Daily?
- BARBARO: ...talks to us about losing

- all his limbs...
- Yeah, I'm trying to turn it off.

BARBARO: ...and most of his lower face.

I'm Michael Barbaro.

[buzzing]

Okay.

Okay.

- [buzzing]
- Where were we?

[buzzing continues]

- Yeah. Hannah, I can't do this.
- [beep, buzzing stops]

Alright, Li'l Sid's stuck
in a Chinese finger trap.


Big Sid can't stop thinking about
flesh-eating bacteria. I mean,

this sucks even more than
cooking FaceTime fish!

Which I have to pretend to
be psyched about once a week.

I know it sucks.

Long-distance relationships suck,

but at least I'm trying!

[ends call]

BARBARO: Here's what else
you need to know today.

No! There's nothing else I need

[imitating]: to know today!

Michael!

- [laughing]
- Uh, another drink?

- I'd love that!
- Okay, great.

Siri. Text Fort Greene Girls.

"OMG. You will not believe
was hitting on me right now!"

All caps. "Proposal Fail Guy.

"I literally cannot!
[squealing] I'm dying!

I'm gonna try to get him to
sing me his sad proposal song."

L-O-L, exclamation,

skull face, exclamation,
L-O-L, exclamation, skull face,

- exclamation, L-O...
- Excuse me.

We're getting drinks from the bar,

but I'll have a water
and fries. Thank you!

I'm not your waitress.

Okay, I get the confusion.

But, this is about
my friend Jesse, okay?

And he is not some
punchline for you to tell

your dumb friends about at boozy brunch.

He's an incredible guy,
and I am k*lling myself

to make him believe
that he will find love.

Do you know how hard
it is to believe that?

Do you know what it's like
to go on first dates?

No, .

first dates and
have none of them lead

to anything even close
to a real relationship?

Have you ever met a totally cute,

nice vice principal who
wants to take you out,

and all you can think about is why?

What's the point?

If I say yes, he's inevitably
just going to turn into

failed date number !

Yes. Actually, I know
exactly what you mean.

Dating in this city is
k*lling me and seriously...

No! No, no, you do not get
to be relatable right now.

Okay, look. Yes, I was texting my friends

about meeting Proposal Fail Guy,

but I still wanted to sleep with him.

[clears throat] Uh, is the
"sleeping with me" thing

still on the table or...

No. Your mean waitress friend ruined it!

Waitress?

I think you're gonna like me.



Hey. Thanks for letting
me borrow all this.

- How'd it go?
- Very, very poorly.

I can tell. If you'd used
the Vyper Ace correctly,

you wouldn't be walking right now.

Talk to me.

Um...

When Hannah took the residency in LA,

we promised each other we wouldn't
be like other long-distance couples.

Like, we'd make time for
our relationship, but...

between her surgery rotations and
me trying to keep this bar afloat,

it's just harder than
I thought it would be.

To feel close to her.

And I hate it. I just miss her.

I just want to cook dinner
in the same room as Hannah.

Or, like, read the newspaper
with her on a Sunday.

Have sex with her human vag*na.

That is so romantic.

- I have an idea.
- Yeah?

God, you are lucky you met me!



[rumbling]

- I'm sorry about tonight.
- That's okay.

Camilla didn't look like she
was very good at sex anyway.

- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah, she did.

[sighs]

All that stuff you said
to her, that was, uh...

kind of intense, huh?

You remember that night
when we met at the bar,

and you guessed that my parents
had a really happy marriage?

I'm so sorry about that.
Valentina told me I was way off.

Yeah.

You were.

Hm.

[sighs] My childhood was kind of a mess.

It was just my mom and I bouncing around

from one boyfriend's house to the next.

We were more like, you know,
sisters than mother-daughter.

- And I was the big sister.
- Oof.

Always...

picking up the pieces
after every breakup.



And I got really good at fixing her.

So, fixer became my go-to mode.

Especially when I can't figure
out how to fix things for myself.

Uh, fix things for yourself, you mean...

You know, like, find my person.

I want to so bad,

and it just... keeps not happening.

Okay. Sophie...

Repeat after me. "Today
is the first chapter

of my next great love story." Come on.

Today is the first chapter of my...

- next great love story.
- Next... Love story. Hell yeah.

[laughs]

[door chiming]

Alright, this is me.

- Good night, Sophie.
- Good night, Jesse.

Open your mouth for a treat.

Not tonight, Frank.

[bar chatter]

[quiet music]

Hi.

Hi.

How how's your amazing new apartment?

Didn't exactly work out.

Smile and say, "new apartment"!

[shutter snaps]

Alright, that was fun.

How about that year
of rent you promised?

On it.



Ah!

Ugh.

Well, if makes you feel any
better, my day wasn't great, either.

Hi. I'd like to open a line of credit.

My name's Ellen, and my
social security number is...

He bought a camcorder, a
bra, and three jars of honey

before I could cancel the credit card.

He was definitely a pervert.

Look, Ellen, I'm really sorry
I tried to steal the apartment.

I'm sorry for lying to you
about wanting a roommate.

Maybe I don't need a grizzled
New Yorker to show me the ropes.

Maybe I just need a good person

who won't steal my identity,

and we can figure out how
to crush the city together.

I mean, if you'd still have me?

Absolutely. Together, we
will take this city by storm.

We are not afraid of you, New York.

We're the bravest people in the city!

[knock, knock]

- Hey.
- Hi!

What are you doing here?

This is me, uh, trying.

[laughs] That is so sweet.

But, that last-minute flight
must have cost you a fortune.

Not really. I mean, it's a
long story, but I got hooked up.

I have this friend who was in
a long-distance relationship

- with a Polish pilot. Yeah.
- Huh...

Like I said, back in ,

having a great profile
photo was essential,

but it wasn't everything.
You also had to be willing

to put yourself out there,

time and time again,

even when you just wanted
to curl up under a blanket

with a box of Froot Loops,

a box of wine,

and some unboxing videos.

SOPHIE'S SON: What the
hell is an unboxing video?

For a brief time, when I was younger,

everyone was very into watching

other people open stuff on camera.

- SOPHIE'S SON: Sounds dark.
- Mm, it was.

♪ You by benny blanco,
Marshmello, and Vance Joy ♪

But, anyway...

♪ In the moments when I hear my voice ♪

♪ But don't feel like myself,
wish I could hold you ♪

♪ Yes, only you ♪

♪ In the moments when I
walked these city streets ♪

♪ With someone else, I wish I told you ♪

♪ It's only you ♪

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ When the night is over ♪

♪ Out of all the places I could choose ♪

♪ I go to you ♪

♪ Only you ♪

♪ Feel you just below
the surface, darling ♪

[street noise]

Hello?

Hi, Drew. It's Sophie,

Jesse's photographer friend.

Oh. Hi.

Jesse said that you
asked for my number, so...

well, I thought I'd
b*at you to the punch.

Oh, amazing. You
know, I was going crazy

trying to figure out
where I know you from,

and then I realized that we met

at Sid and Hannah's engagement party.

We did?

♪ All I wanna do is go to you ♪

Excuse me! You wouldn't happen to have

a cell phone charger handy, would you?

Oh, uh, yeah. Never
leave home without it.

Thanks!

Yeah. Yeah, Hannah's a college friend.

♪ Feel you just below the surface ♪

So, uh, what are you doing Friday night?

Having dinner with you.

♪ Holding on until forever ♪

♪ Doesn't seem to feel so far away ♪

♪ Oh, you ♪

♪ I go to you ♪

♪ I go to you ♪

♪ I go to you ♪



♪ I go to you ♪

♪ I go to you ♪

♪ Ooh, I go to you ♪

♪ Ooh, I go to you ♪
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