03x04 - Les Hiques

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
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Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
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03x04 - Les Hiques

Post by bunniefuu »

You're packing up for a fishin' trip
with your pals the other day.

I loves fishin' in Kwee-bec.

Who doesn't love fishing in Kay-bec?

Great fishin' in Kyu-bec.

- I f*cking hate Quebec.
- This guy's f*ckin' Puppers.

- Oh, I'm havin' flash snacks.
- To what?

To last time we went fishing.

On the ride home, I had to sit in
between a family size of Salt'n Vinnies

and a party pack of Dill Picklers.

Admittedly, last time, things
got a little out of whack,

when it comes to the snacks.

We deserve the flak,
but now we're back on track.

We have a new plan of att*ck.

Everything we pack
has to fit in this sack.

We made a snack pact.

All these have to start
with the letter "C," in fact.

A, stop rhyming. B, why "C"?

- Well, we trieds "A."
- Apples.

- And we trieds "B."
- Bananas.

But "C" gave us many choice options.

Cookies. Crackers. Cheese. Chocolates.

See? And then we're on to "D,"
and so forth.

- KATY: Mmm. Love the D.
- Pardon?

- Why does jerky get to come?
- It's Caribou jerky.

- What about the nuts?
- Corn nuts.

- And the beer?
- BOTH: Cold beer.

There's too much choice in the world.

- How do you fig, Newton?
- Well, look at toothpaste.

It used to be just Colgate or Crest.
Now there's like kinds of each.

- Whitening.
- Brightening.

- Enlightening.
- g*dd*mn right'ning.

It's g*dd*mn frightening.

Nice work, double D's.

Oh, speaking of double D's,

Mrs. McMurray went to the casino
with her pals the other night,

so McMurray and I went to the rippers.

When the cat's away,
the mice will play.

Where was my invite?

Get this, one
of the stripper's names...

Tell us on the road. Let's go fishin'

I loves fishin' in Kwee-bec.

Who doesn't love fishing in Kay-bec?

Great fishin' in Kyu-bec.

I f*ckin' hate Quebec.

Get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

I'll get myself a Puppers.

(DARYL SPITS)

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(ALL URINATING)

It's nice to have a break from you guys
naming your own burps.

On the way homes, we'll be
spelling our own farts.

Hey, you pretty near need
consonants for that.

I's and T's, and some P's.

That's maybe smart.

Anywho, about the rippers...

Oh, tell us when you get there.

There's lots of time for telling
stories when you go fishin'.

I loves goin' fishings in Kwee-bec.

Who doesn't love fishing in Kay-bec?

It's great fishin' in Kyu-bec.

I f*ckin' hate Quebec.

Get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

And everybody else in it, too.

What's the problem, poopy-pants?

Well, for one thing,

you can never tell
what the hell they're sayin'

half the time, that's for one thing.

Ignorance is bliss, bud.

Yeah, they should figures it out.

Maybe you should figure it out.

Okay, you try to name me
one good guy that's a French guy.

You try to name it. Go ahead and try.

I bet Corey Hart's a pretty good guy.

I'm not sure that he's a French guy.

DAN: You'd trust somebody's
who wears sunglasses at night?

DARYL: Name me another
French guy that's a good guy.

Go ahead and try.

Well, what's about that guy
from the alien show?

- rd Rock from the Sun?
- That's the one.

- John Lithgow?
- Nope.

- French Stewart?
- Yeah, that's the one.

He's not French.

Well, his name is French.

That guy squints too much.

Well, they can take a walk,
the whole lot of 'em.

Dary, I think there's something
much deeper at play here.

- Can confirm.
- What's the story?

- All right, well, so this one time...
- Oh, tell us when we get there.

There's lots of time for tellin'
stories when you're goin' fishin'.

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WAYNE: Great day
for sleighin' huh, Dan?

It's a toboggan.

So, Dary, what's the story?

Which one?

I'd hear the ripper story now.

Well, I'd hear why you hate
French people so much.

Doesn't hate 'em. He loves
'em, that's the problem.

- No, I don't.
- Do too.

- No, I do not.
- Yeah, you do.

You love French gals
but hate that they don't love you.

(EXHALES)

Dary, please explain.

Well, every time there's
a French gal I kinda like,

I have a real hard time
explaining to her

that I kinda like her
'cause she only speaks French.

And I'm not a good enough lookin' dude
to get by on just my looks.

Aw, Dary.

Give this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

And, if there's like,
an English gal I kinda like

but there's a French dude around,

you know she's goin' home
with the French dude

'cause the English gals
love French dudes.

Can confirm.

And English dudes love French gals.

Can confirm.

That's why they can take a walk,
the whole lot of 'em.

All right, well let's hear
the ripper story, then.

- Yeah.
- Oh. (CHUCKLES)

Okay. (CHUCKLES)

Okay, so me and McMurray
went to the rippers the other night,

and there was this stripper
and her name was...

All-anus Morissette.

(ALL LAUGHING)

I loves it when they do variations
on real people's names.

Like, uh, Avril Vagine.

Nelly Furtaco.

- Alec Baldwang.
- (DARYL LAUGHS)

Okay, yeah, yeah, yeah, yep,
but, but...

All-anus Morrisette.

(ALL CHUCKLING)

Sm'ellen Degenitals.

Oh, Meryl Strip.

Hannibal Licked-her.

- Dongie Darko.
- Count Dracu-load.

Oh, that's a fun one, too,

'cause it lends itself
to good costumes.

And that's just so camp.

(GIGGLING) Yeah, yeah,
but no, no, but...

All-anus Morrisette.

- (ALL LAUGHING)
- (DISTANT LAUGHTER)

- Okay, guys...
- (GROUP LAUGHING)

(RADIO ANNOUNCER SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (ANNOUNCER EXCLAIMS)
- (GROUP LAUGHING)

Who's that?

The French.

(SNORTS)

(SPITS)

(GROUP LAUGHING)

- (COUGHING)
- (LAUGHING CONTINUES)

- Boys.
- Boys.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

What is that, you little bitch?

What's the red stuff, schmelts?

- Shred the red, boys.
- Shred the red, boys.

Less meals, all wheels.

Protein powder program. Meal suppies.

Meal scheddie looks like this, boys.

Breakfast, Shreddies.

Lunch, shreddie the reddies.
Dinner, spaghettis.

(STOMACHS RUMBLING)

sh*t.

(BOTH SIGHING)

(BOTH FARTING)

REILLY: Only thing about
shredding the red

is a few more trips
to the sh*t shed, boys.

JONESY: A few more trips
to brown town, buddy.

REILLY: (STRAINING) Table
for one at the Poo-za Hut.

JONESY: (SIGHS) Gotta let
the jerseys out of the barn, bro.

REILLY: You'll be Russian
to a state visit

with Splat-amir Poo-tin.

JONESY: Drown a few brown snakes, bro.

REILLY: Couple of King Cobra
coilers, boys.

JONESY: King Kong coilers, boys.

SHORESY: f*ck my entire f*ckin' life,

if you tit-fuckers
light a match in here,

the whole f*ckin' barn's goin' up.

Give your balls a tug.

- REILLY: f*ck you, Shoresy.
- SHORESY: f*ck you, Reilly.

- Fight me, see what happens.
- (FARTING CONTINUES)

Yeah? What's gonna happen, Shoresy?

Three things, I hit you,
you hit the pavement,

I jerk off on your
driver's side door handle.

- JONESY: f*ck you, Shoresy.
- SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.

Tell your mom to top up
the cell phone she bought me

so I can FaceTime her late night.

(FARTS)

I don't think we can trust her.

- Pourquoi, Roald?
- She's got that look.

What?

You know when somebody
comes to your party

and does all your dr*gs,
then tells everybody

that you're the drug addict?

Sit.

Stay!

FAK-U's mission moving forward is
hereby labeled, "Operation Gae."

Objective?

Find a way to get Gae back to the city,

- as per her wishes.
- Danke schoen.

Danke stop, you're not even German.

- Danke shut your mouth, Roald.
- (GASPS)

Modus operandi, create mailbox mayhem.

Our Operation Gae HQ is here.

During the last gasp of daylight,

we will skulk into
our various positions here,

here, here, and here.

Then upon clown sundown,

we will wreak havoc all over town.

We'll deposit
the contraband in my trunk

and we will dump our load... Here.

In the Dollar Store parking lot.

To clarify, you want
to steal mailboxes?

- Affirmative.
- That's a federal crime.

(LAUGHS)

- (SCOFFS)
- (CHUCKLES)

(SNORTS)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Are you scared?

No.

- (THUDS)
- Ooh!

Oh!

Ooh, ooh.

(GROANS)

(EXHALES)

Best of all, Wayne et al.,

will assume the destruction was caused

- by Tanis and her crew again.
- It's perfect.

Hey, maybe could urinate
in the mailboxes too, you know.

To underline how pissed off we are.

(LAUGHS)

Roald!

You're in FAK-U now.

It's serious.

You're in...

Or you're out.

I acquiesce.

We are FAK-U.

Freaks Acting Krazee United!

Give me three good reasons
why you feel you must rebel.

BOTH: I hate the world.
I hate my parents.

- I hate myself.
- I hate they.

FAK-U!

ALL: FAK-U!

(RADIO BLARING)

(GROUP LAUGHING)

(ANNOUNCER CHEERS)

(LAUGHING CONTINUES)

Not only are they gal hoggers,

they're louder than a bunch of...

(STAMMERS) Goat... g*dd*mn
stranded seals over there.

Get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

I got a Puppers right there.

(GROUP LAUGHING)

Hey!

Didn't they teach you
how to pipe down in CEGEP?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (DISTANT SINGING IN FRENCH)
- (SPITS)

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Hey! He said simmers down,
so simmers down!

Why don't you go eat some tartars,

you snails suckin' mime lovers?

Uh...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I don't know
what the f*ck you're saying,

but turn that sh*t down!

I would rather have Celine Dion.

(MUTTERING IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SHOUTING IN FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(GROUP SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

What do they say
about arguing with idiots?

They'll drag you down to their level
and b*at you with experience.

Over and out.

- I can be helpful here, fellas.
- No we... We got this. We got this.

I still don't know
what the f*ck you're saying,

but you're saying it now
in a hostile tone.

And youse don't speak to us
in a hostile tone.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(LAUGHS MOCKINGLY)

I still don't know
what the f*ck you're saying,

but other than Georges St-Pierre,

every Frenchman is a f*ckin' p*ssy!

So youse better simmer down
and I mean right now!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, why don't you go to a poutine
festival in the Thetford Mines?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Why don't you go canoe
in the three rivers,

you inbred fur traders?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Go eat a Nanaimo Bar in Kamloops...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

I f*ckin' know what that means.

I love Nanaimo Bars.

- 'Cause you do pot.
- Yeah.

Then why don't you go
savagely force feed a duck

and then enjoy your foie gras
in a sugar shack, Trudeau?

(GROUP GASPING)

Why don't you go
snowshoe into the Bell Centre

to watch back-to-back
sold-out Simple Plan shows,

then go eat some Montreal smoked meat,

you bagel-munching, rope pissers?

(SNOWMOBILE APPROACHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING)

Anik!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

(SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

- (LAUGHS)
- (SPEAKING FRENCH) Pfft.

No, you're a cock a vine!

You know what, Dan? Sit down.




You know, this one's off
the beaten path a wee bit,

but do you ever notice how French people
go "pfft" at the end of a sentence?

Yeah. Yeah, I noticed that.

French people do that all the time.

They end a sentence and they go "pfft."

I don't knows if I follows.

Well, like if you were an English person
going "pfft" at the end of a sentence,

like French people go "pfft"
at the end of the sentence,

the sentence would probably
be something like,

"You get so drunk some nights
you piss the bed,

"but other nights you get so stoned

"you can't piss at all, so pfft."

Yeah, or like your guy says,
"Sex isn't good anymore."

And you're like, "Well,
how do you think I feel?

"All you put into it
is your d*ck, pfft."

You wanna know what's kind
of fun to make fun of 'em for?

Is if right after they go
"pfft," you go... (IMITATES)

- Do that again.
- (IMITATES)

So like, "You like having casual sex

"'cause he gives you some good,

"but at the end of the day,
he doesn't give you

"a God damn, so, pfft."

- (IMITATING)
- Pfft.

- Pfft! Pfft.
- (IMITATES)

And you know what else?

None of youse knows where to put
the S's in your God damn sentences.

So why don't you go get tricked

by a Just For Laughs Gags

before you have to hold a referendum

to separate my foot from your ass!

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Choice words, super chief.

- (FLUSHING)
- (BOTH SIGHING)

Now that was a big turd,
period, brother.

You gotta have a big turd, buddy.

Sniped a penalty sh*t, bro.

Finally got the poo-er play
clickin' bro.

Almost had to foreshit the game.

Too many poo-minute penalties.

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

So what? You boys ready
to shred the red?

Shreddy the reddy, boys.
Try it for praccy.

Not sure I want a trouser brownie,
you little bitch.

Yorkie?

Not sure I'm up for smuggling
Fudgee-Os either, Barts.

Scholtzy.

Not sure I'm up for squishy poopies.

If it ain't yumsies in my tumsies,

my poopies go squishies.

p*ssy.

Fisky.

I've been stocking nut like Bulk Barn.

Boomtown!

In.

That's what I f*ckin' love
about you, Boomtown.

Love the jam, Boomtown. Love it!

Shred the red!

BOTH: Shred the red. Shred the red!

GROUP: Shred the red! Shred the red!

ALL: Shred the red! Shred the red!

ALL: Shred the red! Shred the red!

ALL: Shred the red! Shred the red!

ALL: Shred the red! Shred the red!

ALL: Shred the red! Shred the red!

She is hot.

I'm pretty sure the French
word for hot is chaud.

I'd like to chaud her something.

Why don't you invite her
to the chaise lounge, Dary?

I would...

Except I wouldn't be able to understand
what she's saying half the time.

And I'm not a good enough looking guy
to get by on just my looks.

(TUTS) Aw, Dary.

Cheer up, Dary. Despite those frogs,

whose wives can't even
take their last names.

I'm pretty sure they don't use
middle names over there either.

No middle names? It's .

No, it's not.

I loves fishin' in Kwee-bec.

Who doesn't love fishing in Kay-bec?

It's great fishin in Kyu-bec.

I f*ckin' hate Quebec.

Get this guy a f*ckin' Puppers.

(SPLATTING)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Pfft!

(IMITATES)

- Pfft!
- (IMITATES)

- Pfft!
- (IMITATES)

(ENGINE REVVING)

Well, I guess everybody
understands body language.

Anik is gone forever.

Aw, next time, you'll know to strike
while the iron's hot, big sh**t.

I just can't catch a break.

(ROD CLICKING)

- Oh, you got one.
- DARYL: Oh... Hey...

(LAUGHING) Eh?

Oh, bother.

Oh! Too hot.

- I've had a hearty, boys.
- (FARTS)

Mudslide, budski.

- Oh, no. I've sh*t my pants.
- (FARTS)

You little bitch. Yorkie.

(FARTING)

I've cranked an eight-ball
in my sports-shorts.

(FARTING CONTINUES)

Scholtzy?

- (STOMACH RUMBLES)
- (FARTS)

Peak behind door number two to
see my little poop de Ville.

It's my little deuce poop. p*ssy.

Fisky.

(FARTS) I've had a blumpy.

A grumpy blumpy.

Boomtown?

(SNIFFS THEN SPITS)

I'm ready to get the lead out.

I'm ready to... (FARTS)

(SPLATTERING)

Wait.

I sh*t my pants, too.

I'm sorry.

This is on you, you little bitch.

I'm gonna get you, schmelt!

(GRUNTS)

Cops are so dumb. Cops are mushrooms.

I'll need you to expound, Gae.

What do you do with mushrooms?

Are we talking Portobello?
Shiitake? Chanterelles?

I can cook, you know.

You give them sh*t
and keep them in the dark.

Roald. Are you afflicted?

What are you...

Ow!

Roald?

Give me three reasons
why you feel you must rebel.

BOTH: I hate the world.
I hate my parents.

I hate myself!

As you were.

ALL: FAK-U!

What a bust.

Pretty pedestrian effort,
super chieftains.

Only fish we caught was the one
Cock Cousteau tossed over at us.

I f*ckin' hate Quebec.

Can't catch a break here.

(SNOWMOBILES APPROACHING)

Oh, bother.

Degens from up-country.

No ostrich fuckers in Quebec, hicks.

Well, we are way the fucks
outnumbered, bud.

It's not how many you win,
it's how many you show up for.

- Is that a No Fear slogan?
- Likely.

(MAN SPEAKING FRENCH)

(CONTINUES IN FRENCH)

(SNORTS AND SPITS)

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)
- Your brother's hot.

Do you speak English?

- Oui. Yes.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yes. Oui.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

No problem. Of course

- (SPEAKING FRENCH)
- Bon.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Well, it's best to avoid a scrap
when you're goin' fishin'.

But you hate degens
from up country too, huh?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Yeah?

And where exactly
is up-country Kyu-bec?

My whole life, I've hated the French.

You can't understand what they're
saying half the f*ckin' time.

And I couldn't land
one of your beautiful women

if my life depended on it.

As far as I'm concerned, youse can
take a walk, the lot of youse.

But then youse had our back today...

- Yeah.
- Oui.

I loves me fishin' in Kwee-bec.

Who doesn't love fishing in Kay-bec?

Great fishin' in Kyu-bec.

I f*ckin' love Quebec.

- Hear, hear!
- Cheers!

- ANIK: Sante!
- Merci, mes amis.

Thank you.

I'm Anik.

I'm Daryl.

I think you're really good-looking.

Um, I was looking at you
and I see you look at me so, pfft.

(IMITATES)

You speak English.

Pretty much everyone in Quebec does.

Wow.

Do you like Alanis Morissette?

(GIGGLES)

(GIGGLING CONTINUES)

Oui.

(LAUGHING)
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