03x06 - Bradley is a k*ller

[bunniefuu]

You were havin' breakfast
with your pals the other day.

f*ck were youse drunk last night.

You know, I can't stand it when you
guys get really, really, really drunk.

- Wasn't s'bad.
- It was s'g*dd*mn bad.

You get super annoying when
you're really, really, really drunk.

Right, scary Dary?

Please leave me alone.

Pushing your nipples
against everyone all night?

And what about you, madman Dan?

Or should I say, Legend of the Wind?

It's Squirrelly Dan, Miss Katy.

Challenging everyone to a foot race?

Get real.

Please stop shouting at me, Miss Katy.

And let's not skim over Wayne the Pain.

WAYNE: Mind your own beeswax, Katy.

You have the most annoying f*ckin'
laugh on planet f*ckin' Earth,

when you get really,
really, really, drunk.

Clean it up!

There's a new addition to
the Squirrelly Dan fam-damly.

I've seen that in the paper.

- What's the scoop there, big sh**t?
- Well, Samuel's...

- I f*ckin' hate Samuel.
- He's a Big Brother's now.

Oh, I f*ckin' hate Samuel so much.

Well, that's interesting, maybe make
Samuel straighten up, fly right there.

- That's what I said.
- Youse did pot today, didn't ya's.

No.

'Cause youse are talkin'
like youse did pot.

- Why?
- Because that logic

is Titanic on the ocean floor busted.

Why?

Well, it's like when a celebrity gets
all f*cked up on snooters and such.

They think that the solution
to sortin' themselves out

is to get a puppy.

(CHUCKLES) What's wrong with a puppy?

Well, I'm just sayin' doesn't
it seem more appropriate

to sort yourself out before bringing
a b*ating heart into your own home,

rather than relying on that b*ating
heart to sort yourself out?

Snooters and such.

Uh, hmm, I had my go
with snooters and such.

Small town spawn snooters and such.

KATY: Degens do snooters and such.

- Over and out.
- I'd have to agree.

I think it's differents for Samuel's,

he's just a six-years-old
with a penchants for mischief.

Someone needs to hit that kid.

I thinks for a six-years-old
introducing a little brother's

into the mix might just be what he needs
to inspires him to sort's himself out.

I have to agree.

It's like Samuel who's
introducing a little brother

to himself to sort himself out.

It's different than like a celebrity

introducing a puppy

to sort himself out
after snooters and such.

And my cousin says
the baby is very smart.

- Pump the brakes?
- I'll soft pump.

What's the stupidest thing
you ever heard in your life?

I would like to say, but it's impolite
to talk politics at the breakfast table.

I'd also likes to say but it's
impolite to talk religions

at the breakfast table.

Well, mine is neither politics
or religion so I will say,

the stupidest thing
I ever heard in my life,

is that a baby is smart.

Well, hold your horses
there, big sh**t.

My Aunt Nancy works at the nursery down
at the hospitals and she says

I was the smartest baby
she ever did see.

Your Aunt Nancy said that
I was destined for constant confusion.

Are you saying my Aunt Nancy
is stupids for saying such things?

I love your Aunt Nancy.

I owe her a great deal for
my personal growth as a young man.

I even call her my Aunt Nancy.
Please tell her I said hello.

I will, good friend.

But what, see-suckin' so to speak,

makes a baby smart?

Well, she says I was always reachin'
out for things in my surroundings.

And that made you a smart baby?

- Allegedly's.
- Okay, Dan.

Okay, okay, Dan.

Okay, hold your thumb out.
I'm gonna be a baby.

Ehya.

Now what about that suggests
I ought to be buildin'

rocket ships for NASA in outer space?

Your Aunt Nancy said that
a baby who shows signs of excitement

before it's able to verbally
communicate is a sign of intelligence.

KATY: Aunt Nancy said
signs of stimulation.

Well, 'cause that means that
they're already getting

excited about their surroundings.

KATY: A baby is stimulated
by their surroundings.

Okay, Dary, okay.

Okay, Dary, yeah, okay.

Go wide-eyed stick your tongue out.

I'm gonna be a baby, okay?

I'm gonna show you signs of
excitement slash stimulation.

No but, Dary, like...

Like make the sound like
you're doing it to a baby.

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Ehya.

Now what about that suggests

that I ought to be navigating
unchartered neurological

pathways in the brain?

- I expose nothin'.
- Yeah, realistically.

Furthermore, in the midst of
excitement slash stimulation,

that razor sharp baby is likely
to drop a sh*t in its pants.

Unable to control its own bodily
functions but smart as a whip, Dan.

Imaginable's, but I wouldn't
say likely's.

Hmm, it's possible.

Okay, Dan, okay.

Okay, Dary, Dary, okay.
Dan, hold your thumb out.

Dary, go wide-eyed,
stick your tongue out,

and coo like you're doing it to a baby.

I'm gonna be a baby, okay?

(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(CONTINUES SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

(GRUNTS)

(DARYL SPEAKING GIBBERISH)

Clean it up!

You suppose you could make
the same argument for a dog,

but at least you don't have to
wipe a dog's poopy bum, do you?

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Subtitle by peritta

What is this butt-fuckery?

Had a rowdy crowd in last night, boys.

Where the f*ck from?

GAIL: Up country.

BOTH: Degens.

f*ck!

In degens.

Offered 'em sex in exchange for peace.

No takers, so it's safe
to say they were gay degens.

Well, we'll just let you runs
with that there, Gailer.

Look, we've all had a run-in
with degens from up country.

But we figured out a solution.

All you have to do

is employ the Ginger and
Boots to be your bouncers.

Degens won't wanna
a whiff of this place.

Choice idea, Daryl.

Also go ahead and change
the name of my bar

from MoDean's to Ostrich
f*ckers while I'm at it.

Crazier things have happened.

Besides I'm bringin' in my own bouncer.

Oh, is he single?

You've had a busy winter, Miss Katy.

Get after it.

- Who's that?
- My cousin Bradley.

ALL: Ah, Bradley!

I f*ckin' love Bradley.

I love Bradley so much!

I'm one, I'd go as far as
to say I love him, too.

I love his pecs.

Nobody loves Bradley more than Rosie.

Like, I'm not really one for,
like, being touched

or anything like that, but then like,

he'll be huggin' you
and her huggin' me,

it'll be like a little
bit different. Like...

Well, like it's okay.

I'm his second-favorite cousin.

He's always saying, "God bless you."

And, you know, I'm not
really a religious guy's,

but when he says it
you feel good, like...

Like I can feel the warmth.

Rosie's his favorite cousin.

And he does the best
impersonations, too.

Like so many of 'em.
Like he could do it professionally.

He could do me professionally.

Hey, can't forget about the low-bones.

Oh, youse can's never forget's
about the low-bones.

I hope this is what I think it is.

What's low-bones?

Well, low-bones is basically

like if somebody's saying something,
and you agree with them,

that means give them low-bones.

You can also use low-bones
to say hellos or good-byes.

Do you wanna know what?
Here's what low-bones is,

I can tell you what low-bones is.

Low-bones is when you hold
your knuckles below your waist

like this and bang knuckles
with somebody.

Except don't look the person
in the eye or in the knuckles

when you bang knuckles with them.

Almost like you don't give a care.

And then you say somethin'
positive under your breath

upon bangin' of the knuckles.

Like, uh, "Hell yeah, f*ck it."

Or, uh...

"Yeah, man, you rock."

Like, everybody get in
here for a second.

Just pretend, like, I just got here and
I'm gonna show you what low-bones are.

Hey, everyone, I just got here.

- You rock.
- f*ck yeah.

Yeah, but 'cept you gotta say it
more under your breath than that.

Like, everybody get in here,
pretend like I'm leaving.

Okay, guys, I'm gonna leave now.

(ALL MUMBLING)

Something about the best
part about Bradley is...

But we all know what the
best part about Bradley is.

Bradley is a f*ckin' k*ller.

Oh, like, Bradley
will f*ckin' k*ll you.

Like, Bradley knows his ways around
a head-butts and that's for GD sure.

Not sure that's the
best part about Bradley.

(BREATHING FAST)

When does Bradley get here?

Should be here any second.

Well, then we'll all wait here
at the bar and greet him.

I love Bradley.

I love Bradley so much.

Do you wanna know what?
I'd go as far as to say I love him, too.

- (PHONE BUZZING) KATY: (SIGHS)

(CHUCKLES SOFTLY)

REILLY: Okay boys, it's the
final game of the campaign.

Final chance for one W.

Sixty hard miles, boys.

Fore check, back check,
pay check, boys.

Now, Joint Boy.

Tyson.

You guys may be what this team
needs to finally come together.

- You guys might be the final piece.
- Ferda.

We've reserved the two toughest
numbers in hockey for you.

Joint Boy, you'll be wearing number .

Domi, Godard, Stock.

Three of the toughest players
wore number .

Don't forget Colton Orr.

Thanks, boys, it's an honor.

Pretend Boogaard wore it.

BOTH: That is a f*ckin' honor.

Tyson.

You'll be wearing the toughest
number worn by the toughest

all-around player to ever lace 'em up.

Number nine.

- Gordie Howe, boys.
- Gordie mother f*ckin' Howe, boys.

- Mr. Hockey.
- REILLY: Mr. Elbows.

Creator of the Gordie Howe
Hat Trick, boys.

One geno, one apple, one tilly.
Thanks, boys.

BOTH: Greatest all round
player in the history

of the show, Mr. Hockey.

SHORESY: Gretz is the best player
in the history of the show.

Give your balls a tug. (FARTS)

Gretz is the best.

We didn't mean any disrespect to .

We said Gordie Howe was
the best all-round player.

SHORESY: Gretz holds or shares
records in the show, you piece of sh*t.

Don't nickel and dime the Great One.

But Mr. Hockey...

SHORESY: Suck my Mr. Cockey,
you f*ckin' loser. (FARTS)

Hey, hey, hey. There's
more important things,

like this team coming together.

You're right. f*ck you, Shoresy.

SHORESY: f*ck you, Jonesy.

Tell your mom I drained the
bank account she set up for me.

Top it up so I can get
some f*ckin' KFC.

- (SHORSEY FARTS)
- f*ckin' ..

Hey, there's more important things.
More important things.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- f*ck you, Jonesy.

Your mom loves butt play
like I love Haagen-Dazs.

Let's get some f*ckin' ice cream.

- (SHORSEY FARTS)
- Boys!

We've come a long way.

Overcome adversity on our
quest to finally come together

as a team and get one W.

Bulldozed speed bumps, boys.

You're right, we've conquered.

For example, puck bunnies,
you little bitch.

Yorkie?

Chirping from the bench .

(CLAPS) Scholtzy.

Don't step on the logo.

p*ssy.

Fisky.

Sweaters never touch the floor.

Boomtown.

Presenting my penis to my
all-male teammates in hopes

that they will accept me.

And then having my penis
called "modest,"

with my all-male team further
coming together as a result

of seeing my penis.

That's the big picture.

- What?
- Why do they talk like that?

I wasn't finished!

Boomtown!

Keeping the big picture in mind,

and despite all your honest opinions,

which I do appreciate,

you could have called
my penis "the big picture."

That would have been a thrill.

Boomtown.

Let's get this f*ckin' W boys!

(ALL YELL)

It's the last game
of the season, pheasants.

We'll get this W tonight,

or I send one of these sailing

with this bad boy on my foot!

Think of the destruction!
Think of the carnage!

Think of the good men left behind.

SHORESY: (FARTS) Toilet was backed up

so I had to sh*t in there, too,
tit-f*ckers.

I'm gonna get that plug, buddy.

We have to do something
about that pilon, buddy.

How's that for motivation?

SHORESY: Hey, Reilly, I made a oopsy,

can you ask your mom
to pick up Jonesy's mom

on the way over to my place?

I double booked them
by mistake, you f*ckin' loser.

(FARTS AND DEFECATES)

That guy's a masterpiece.

So, this is...

Goodbye?

Lyric from the Moby track Porcelain.

Roald.

(HIGH-PITCHED) Stewart.

Why don't we call it, adios.

Actually, I'd prefer
if we don't call it that.

Long story, but this girl
I kind of used to date

used that word when she dumped me,

and she broke my heart.

Then we'll call it sayonara.

Arrivederci, amore.

- Ciao.
- Shalom.

- Auf wiedersehen.
- (SOBBING)

Roaldy.

Gae.

- Roald...
- Stewart...

This is what we've been
working towards, remember?

- We did it.
- (SNIVELS) I... I like you.

You, you, you, and I don't want you,

to go, oh, oh.

- Roald.
- Stewart...

Connor.

Darien.

(CRYING)

Hysterics are fruitless.

Tears are valueless.

(GROANING)

Pain...

Is inevitable.

(ALL CRYING)

(CAR HORN HONKING)

(SIGHS) That's my mom,
she's such a twat.

Give me three good reasons
why you fell you must rebel.

BOTH: I hate the world.

- BOTH: I hate my parents.
- (MOUTHING)

BOTH: And I hate myself.

As you were.

Advertise your product or brand here
contact http://www.OpenSubtitles.org today

(WAILING)

No, no, no, no!

I don't understand!

(SIGHS) He's so close I can smell him.

I'm about to slide right
off this chair, boys.

That libido works harder than soldiers
stacking sandbags for a flood.

That's a Texas size - , Gailer.

First the models.

Some talk around town about some
business in Bonnie McMurray's hot tub.

Even heard something 'bout you
and a couple of French dudes.

You've had a busy winter, you old goat.

I have had a busy winter...

But I mean, like French guys,
am I right?

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hello, hello.
- ALL: Bradley!

Ha-ha! Oh, bless up!

I can't believe... I can't believe...

I haven't seen y'all in forever.

ALL: Chris Rock!

Daryl, I see you over there.

- You want a hug, I see you.
- Uh huh.

I see you, looking' at me...
I want a hug, yeah, I want a hug.

Let's have a hug now, gimme a hug...
A hug, gimme a hug now.

ALL: Eddie Murphy!

(CHUCKLES)

You're so funny, Bradley.

We missed you so much, Bradley.

God bless you, boys.

- Thank you, Bradley.
- Thank you so much, Bradley.

What up, Katy?

It's a slip and slide over here, boys.

And you, my second favorite cousin.

- What up, cousin?
- What up, cousin?

(GRUNTS)

I got a Haitian taco recipe
mom wanted me to pass along.

Yeah!

I prayed for you
after MoDean's b*rned down.

He listened.

Props to you and him for getting'
this place back on its feet.

Thanks, cousin.

You know what we say.
Our lips to God's ears, right?

Well, we don't actually
ever say that, just you.

But you're a great guy, Bradley.

(GROANS) So good to see you guys.

- Hey, Bradley?
- What's up?

Can you, uh, can you do...

Do your Michael Jackson
impression for me?

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Uh, I haven't seen you all in so long.

I'm sorry.

I get emotional.

Tito, get me a tissue.

(ALL CHEERING)

That was actually an Eddie
Murphy-Michael Jackson hybrid.

It was a hybrid.

Oh, you're so funny, Bradley.

Oh, yes, you smell
like sandalwood, Bradley.

Seriously. Love.

That's what's up, that's what's up.

So, got a problem with
the degens from up country?

Yeah.

Always got a problem
with degens from up country.

Lots of hard work dealing
with degens from up country.

Degens are a problem in Letterkenny.

- Yes.
- Well, not no more.

Bradley's in town now.

- That's what's up.
- ALL: That's what's up.

Seriously, straight up, you guys
are off-duty for the night.

Oh, I need a lifeguard
on duty right now, boys.

Heard through the grapevine,

you guys have been putting
in OT with these degens.

Double OT.

- That's what's up.
- ALL: That's what's up.

That's what's up.

You've all got the night off.

Do you hear me?

From this day forth

I'm on degen duty
for the foreseeable future.

ALL: Denzel Washington!

Well, anything we could
do to help, though, Bradley.

Oh, we'd loves to help you, Bradley.

Seriously, Bradley,
anything we can do to help.

I want you guys to get out and
relax and have a good time.

Enjoy yourselves and get
really, really, really drunk.

- Oh, pump the brakes.
- Hey, I'll soft pump.

You sure you know what you're
signing up for there, big sh**t?

I think they've earned it.

Little bit.

Little bit.

ALL: Oh, Robert De Niro.

Okay, but fair warning.

They get super annoying

when they're really,
really, really drunk.

I don't care, man!

Gentlemen, you've kept watch
of this town for long enough, man.

Tonight I want y'all to get
out and have some fun, man.

And I will accept nothin' less

than really, really, really,
really, really, really

really, really drunk.

- Get out!
- ALL: Chris Tucker!

(ALL CHEERING)

BRADLEY: That's what I'm talkin' about.

Oh! Well, if it isn't
my favorite cousin.

Waz up, cousin?

- Hi, Bradley.
- Yeah.

Hey, Wayne, have you been, uh,
taking good care of her, Wayne?

Can confirm.

All right, God bless, that's what's up.

DAN/DARYL:
(whispering) Okay man, you rock.

Gail?

Who's that?

Go over and see for yourself.

And where did you come from?

- Glen?
- Oh, hi, Katy.

Is Wayne here with you?

Ooh, there he is, hi, Wayne!

I love this, we're twins.

Uh, busy winter's over.

(SPECTATORS CHEERING)

Is that f*ckin' joker
wearing number , bud?

This is our chance to make
it up to Gretz, bud.

Hey, , you f*ckin' loser.

Are you f*ckin' serious nines?

How dare you wear that number,
you piece of sh*t!

That's the Great One's number,
you f*ckin' donkey.

Think you're Gretzky,
you piece of sh*t?

Gretz probably smashed
your mom in the ' s, bud.

I'll get the white tape out and turn
those double nines into double zeros.

You're a f*cking nobody.

f*ckin' serious nines?

When's Mess get here, bud,
you're f*ckin' hilarious.

When's McSorley get here,
you f*ckin' plug.

Suck my knob!

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

What a f*cking piece of work, bud.

- Piece of sh*t.
- The f*cking audacity.

(music)

SHORESY: Look at that
f*ckin' masterpiece, boys.

PLAYER: I'd master that piece, boys.

SHORESY: Look at those legs go up

and make a complete f*ckin' ass
out of themselves.

I'd wear that out, boys.

SHORESY: Holy f*ck, would
I love to get sticky with her.

Stick me right to her, boys.

f*ckin' Shoresy, buddy,
I'm ready to pop.

Already starting
to snap-crackle, buddy.

We gotta get focused, buddy.

BOTH: W's.

SHORESY: Who brought
the f*ckin' rocket, boys?

Those billet sister's
a f*ckin' rocket boy.

SHORESY: But she looks cold.
I'll show her my warm front.

Hey, you look mad.
I'll give you a bone to pick.

Wait a second.

Tyson, make some room
for us on the bench.

Joint Boy.
b*at the sh*t outta that guy.

SHORESY: Give your balls
a tug, you tit.

That experiment worked
wonderfully, buddy.

Worth their weight in gold, buddy.

Whew!

I'm right on the edge, bud,
but gotta stay focused.

I'm ready for a tilly, buddy.

- W's.
- W's.

(EXHALING)

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

Who brought the f*ckin' rocket, boys?

Who's billet sister's
a f*ckin' rocket, boys?

- Yup!
- Yup.

- Yup.
- Yup.

(WHISTLE BLOWS)

(MUSIC PLAYS ON RADIO)

Oh, that was awesome, Bradley.

(CHUCKLES) Know what, Bradley?

We should totally have a race.

You know what they used
to call me in high school?

- Wheels.
- Bradley, do Bill Cosby.

I would like to talk to you
about Pudding Pops.

(LAUGHING)

All right, that's enough.

You're so funny, Bradley.
Look how fast he goes.

(ALL LAUGH)

Why don't you guys
go play some Buckhunter.

I'll race you over
to the Buckhunter machine.

I'll surprise you. How does that sound?

(WAYNE CONTINUES LAUGHING)

(MUSIC PLAYING SOFTLY OVER SPEAKERS)

Anyone else feeling...

...wayward?

(HIGH-PITCHED) Stewart...

Lacking?

Stewart.

Mislaid?

(CRYING) Stew... Stewart don't...

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

We mustn't marinate in our
own misery and misfortune.

We mustn't bask in our own
bad luck and bitterness.

We mustn't soak in our
own suffering and sorrow.

Gae wouldn't have wanted that.

But...

What would Gae do?

WWGD.

Yeah.

Gae would do one more.

One more rampage.

One final flaunt for f*ck you.

Roald.

Are you in?

In, Stewart.

Connor, are you in?

Darien?

Are you in?

Wondrous!

Roald?

ROALD: Stewart.

STEWART: How cold is it?

ROALD: I'll check it out.

It's minus .

Bummer.

- ROALD: Stewart.
- This is a fool's errand.

What?

Wasted labor.

- Thwarted?
- Pointless.

It's really cold.

It wouldn't be any fun
without Gae anyway.

She was...

an invigorment.

What do we do now?

What we always do, Roald.

Copious amounts of hard dr*gs.

- (ALL WHOOPING)
- That was f*ckin' epic, boys!

I can't believe they
called the game, boys!

Zero-zero for the good guys, boys!

(WHOOPING)

I'll take a good fight over
a W any day, you little bitch!

Yorkie.

Lay beats, fill seats.

Scholtzy.

A good brawl brings a team together.

Makes us one, p*ssy.

Fisky.

Proof we'd go to the wall
for each other, boys.

That's brotherhood!

Boomtown!

Showing you all my penis was
degrading and humiliating.

Had I known I could have just tossed
the mitts to bring the team together,

I would have chosen that route.

You're f*ckin' weird, bud.

- f*ck is he a weirdo.
- (BELCHES)

Boomtown.

But, the team came together.

And that's a f*ckin' W, boys!

(ALL YELLING)

(DOOR CLOSES)

I have never

been less embarrassed in all my life.

They are f*ckin' embarrassing!

(ALL CHEERING)

Jonesy, Reilly. You have a visitor!

What?

Thanks, boys.

For what, Katy-Kat?

For the what, Katy-Kat?

For sticking up for me.

(BOTH) Ferda.

I want to get back together.

But just with one of you.

God bless you, man, but you better
stop it with that nipple sh*t.

From your lips to God's nips, Bradley.

Bradley, do your Chris Tucker again.
That's the best one.

Wayne, I would but your laugh

makes me want to strangle
a small motherfuckin' dog!

- (LAUGHING)
- Hey, Bradley,

we should race right now.

- Really...
- No Dan, no.

What? You gonna race me.

You hear the Legend of the Wind?

I ain't scared of a g*dd*mn thing!

Bradley, do your Denzel Washington
again. That's the best one.

We'll go fast around
the bar, real fast.

Bradley do your Will Smith
again, that's the best one.

You and me Bradley, meter dash.

- Let's go right now.
- (LAUGHING)

Okay, meters too far.
I get it. Twenty-five meters.

- It's not so far.
- (LAUGHING)

Hear the wind?

That's a wind, knocking
on your door, Bradley.

(BOTTLES CLATTERING)

(EXHALES)

ROSIE: Bradley?

Wayne?

That's Bradley's favorite cousin.

Trouble in paradise, shirt-tucker?

Ha!

Wayne.

Please, no.

No one loves Bradley more than Rosie.

(HIP HOP MUSIC PLAYING)