04x02 - A Fuss At The Golf Course

[bunniefuu]

One of your dogs was being a
degen the other day...

What's up, what's up...

Don't let the dog
lick your boot.

Off you go. Way y'go.
Way y'go. Way y'go.

-What's the problem?
-Your boots are covered in piss.

Are you accusing me of washing
my boots in the toilet again?

All dudes' shoes are
covered in piss.

From standin' in front of the
toilet or a urinal.

Your stream hits the water or
the porcelain and it goes
f*ckin' everywhere.

-Prove it.
-No, he's right.

Have you ever taken a look at
the area half a foot in fronts
of a urinal?

It's like a miniature swamps.

Ants could ride
sea-doos through it.

Ants can't ride
no sea-doos.

Of course ants can't ride
no sea-doos!

Just don't let the dog
lick your boots.

I mean not to be an expert on
the subject, 'cause of course,
everybody's a f*ckin' expert.

Everybody's a f*ckin' expert.
Must be nice.

You know, when I was coming
up we'd be lucky to even
have a dog.

Now everyone's a f*ckin' expert.
Must be nice.

You guys notice that whenever
there's a problem everybody
turns into a dog expert?

We oughtta leave
this world behind.

Maybe they could.

-Maybe who could?
-Ants.

-Could what?
-Ride sea-doos.

Good buddy?

See, there's a lot of variables
at play here, obviously.

But if you ask me if I've heard
crazier things than
ants riding sea-doos...

I'd say sure.

You'd need a scientist.

You'd need a team
of scientists, I think.

Well, ants are smart
enough to walk single file
and protect their queen.

So, you know, they're just a
stone's throw away from
humans intelligence-wise.

They're a hop, skip and a jump,
if you really think about it.

You get a scientist to make
a sea-doo for an ant?

Well, I think a team of
scientists, a good one,
for sure could.

A scientist making
sea-doos for ants
would be a tireless job.

Thankless, likely, too.

Well, you operates the gas
with your thumb on the
sea-doo so,

ants don't got thumbs.
That right there is
your first obstacles.

No, you'd have to get
scientists to make the
gas a push button

so the ant could just
put his foot on it.

It's like if a team of
scientists was building
a sea-doo for an ant,

they could likely just as easily
build the ant a bionic thumb
to operate the gas with.

So, there's options there.

Yeah. Ant would need a license
to operate a personal
watercraft.

That's not a big deal.
You can get that
over the weekend.

But the scientists would
have to build them a PFD

because they wouldn't let them
take the course without it.

Ants would have no problem
stabilizing themselves
out on the sea-doo

on accounts that they got more
arms and legs than we do.

They've got a leg up on us
there, if you wants to be
clever about it.

If I'm an ant I'm operating the
sea-doo with my antennas.

That way I've got all those arms
and legs to stabilize myself
on the machine,

which you'd need like,
if it's a wavy day on the water.

It'd still take a lot of
concentration from an ant.

Like Dan's gonna fall off two
or three times when
he gets going.

So it's just trial and error.

I don't know.

You don't know what?

Well, think about
Honey, I Shrunk the Kids.

Think about how helpful and
resilient the ant was
the entire journey.

Well, know what, I'm just gonna
come right out and say it,

the kids might never have got
un-shrunk if it weren't
for the ant.

That's all well and good,
but I'm actually quite surprised
you guys would suggest that the

ants would just up and abandon
his post protecting the queen to
go ride on sea-doos.

Well, you don't know that
ant, Dan.

You know nothing about
the ant, Dan.

That's rather presumptuous
of youse.

You're an ant comin' up in a
tough neighbourhood.

Never caught a break
in your life.

All of a sudden there's a team
of scientists outside your door
with a sea-doo.

Dan, look me in the eye
right now and tell me
you don't ride it.

The ant's buddies would be
thrilled to help him out.

They'd happily cover his shift
protecting the queen.

An opportunity like that?
They'd be linin' up
around the anthill.

How many more opportunities
like that you think the
ant's going to get?

Not many.

That's the first ant in the
colony to ride a sea-doo.
That's his legacy.

They'd be talking about that
ant inter-colonial.

Fire ants wouldn't
f*ck with him.

He rides sea-doos.

-What's the alternative?
-Yeah, what's the alternative?

Work on an ant farm?

That ant's got a life on the
outside, he's got to live it
God dammit.

His hours might have got cut.

He might have mouths to feed.
You don't know.

His wife's thinking about
leaving, taking the kids too.

I was out of line.

Well, good people make
mistakes, Dan.

Yeah, it's all right. Just...
just like,

I don't know, like, down the
road, I think, if you hear
somebody talkin' about somebody

that they don't really know,
you'll swiftly correct them.

I think it's important that they
just learn something here.

Not to be an expert,
'cause everybody's
a f*ckin' expert.

Must be nice.

Can you get me some
sour candies?

Sure, Katy-Kat.

You got him well trained,
don't ya?

Wayne, how'r ya now. Not s'bad.
Good 'n you? Now... now hold on,
Wayne, Wayne.

Wayne, we aint' got time for the
pleasantries, all right?

Youse guys heard what the hockey
coach is up to at the
golf course?

f*ck golf.

f*ckin' ankle sock wearin'
sallies, that's all I know.

That f*ckin' twat

says there's too much shits from
Canada Gooses on the
golf course.

There's too much sh*t from
Canada Gooses everywhere.

Just keep your dog out of it
and keep walkin'.

Exactly. But get this.

To curb the amount of shits from
Canada Gooses,

that degenerate son-of-a-bitch
has put the wheels in motion

to oil and grease up the eggs!
Hot Jimmy!

What the f*ck ya talkin' about
oil and grease up the eggs?

They track down the
Canada Gooses nests,

put oil on Canada Gooses eggs
so they won't hatch.

-Oh!
-(ALL) What?!

So mother Canada Gooses sit on
their eggs and wait diligently
for them to--

Hatch, but they never hatch.

Canada Gooseslings die
inside the egg.

What?!

What?!

What?!

What?!

I've never been so irate in
my whole f*ckin' life!

You f*ck with mother nature!
You don't f*ck with it,
cocksucker.

You don't f*ck with motherhood!

There's a special place in
heaven for animal lovers,
that's all I know.

Those are f*ckin' Canada Gooses.

Those are Canada's f*ckin'
gooses.

Canada Gooses are majestics.

Barrel-chested.
The envys of all ornithologys.

They are leaders.
Born and bred leaders.

Canada Gooses are
van-f*ckin'-garde.

Avant-f*ckin'-garde.

Guardians of the f*ckin' galaxy!

You wanna know what? You got a
problem with Canada Gooses,

you got a problem with me,
and I suggest you let that
one marinate.

Now coach is an expert on
Canada Gooses.
Must be f*ckin' nice!

When I was comings up you'd be
lucky to even have
Canada Gooses.

Now we got so manys you want to
start killin' their babies.
Must be f*ckin' nice.

You guys ever notice

that as soon as there's a
problem around here everybody
starts killin' Canada Gooses?

We oughtta leave this
world behind.

Canada Gooses mate for life.
They're just like you and me.

Those cocksuckers help each
other fly when they're
in the air.

They look out for each other.

Now you wanna k*ll them for
takin' shits.

You know, I saw two Canada
Gooses mount a swan one time

and you gotta think that swan
told her friends about it.

You're g*dd*mn right she did.

I think we all need to take a
good look in the mirror
and ask ourselves,

where we would be without
Canada Gooses.

We cannot allows this to happen.

We will not allow
this to happen.

I'm about ready to put some
anthr*x in the f*ckin' mail
here, that's all I know.

ooh! Settle down, baby.
Settle down.

Hey! Let's hit the golf course!

-Hey. Hey, buddy.
-Oh, hey, buddy.

You, uh, throwin' some weights
around, eh?

Beastin' it up.

Nice. Muscle confusing.

Progressive overloading.

Gettin' yolked.

Gettin' yolked.

Nice. Could use a spot every now
and then, though, you know.

Could use a spot sometimes too.

But I'm... I'm fine, though,
man. Like, I'm good.

Oh, yeah. No, I'm good, dude.
Super good, man. Thanks for...

Sweet...

Who brought the rockets, boys?

Whose billet brothers are
f*ckin' rockets, boys?

I'll celebrate your biscuit all
night, bud.

Ever gone bar upski?

f*g.

How'd you know your dad's
safe word when I fist
his ass, bud?

We got real dirty with
his dangle, bud.

I f*cked your dad with
chapped lips and a runny nose.

f*cked your dad with bad bread
and B.O.

Olympic rules in this
sh**t-out boys.

Order of sh**t is me, me,
me and then me, again.

I'm f*ckin' T.J Oshie.

You've never seen a two-way
centre-man with jam
like this, boys.

Let's see some jam, boys.
Let's see you jam it
right up there.

You need a pest on your roster?

I'm a sh*t disturber.

I'll disturb your sh*t
all night.

Wanna play some Chel?

I should... I should really get
back to Katy, buddy.

Good call.

Man, she makes me do stuff for
her like all the time.

I'll play Chel with you, buddy.
Let's hit that A button.
Ay, ay, ay, ay...

If he gets tired I'll be right
there to hit ay, ay, ay, ay,
for him.

I'll cover his point... any day.

Must be nice.

Thank you. I am very good.

So, ladies and gentlemen of the

Letterkenny Grey Granite Copper
Crick Whistle Ridge
Golf & Country Club,

goose droppings will no longer
be impeding our play on this
lovely course.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now let's hit the links!

Has someone around here got a
problem with Canada Gooses
takin' Canada deuces?

Must be nice!

When I was comings up we'd be
luck to even have oils for
our tractors.

Now you got so much of it you
want to pour it on eggs.
Must be f*ckin' nice!

Whenever anybody's got a problem
these days it's straight to
dumpin' oil on it.

We oughtta leave this
world behind.

Wanna know what? You got a
problem with Canada Gooses,

you got a problem with me and I
suggest you let that
one marinate.

Leave the egg painting to the
Easter Bunny, you pile of sh*t!

Your wardrobe colour scheme
looks like a bi-polar spell!

Get those cocksuckers
off your feet!

-Pardon?
-The ankle socks,
you f*ckin' sally.

How does your wife let you leave
the house lookin' like that,
huh?

My wife d*ed three years ago.

Yeah, well, one look at you and
it's clear she's in a better
place now, you f*ckin' assh*le!

Look! The oiling of goose eggs
was approved by the board,
all right?

And a fine board it is.

So your little breaking-glass
display is not going to work.

That's why we have a new by-law
that prohibits glass bottles.

So all of you are going
to get fined.

Fine my balls, you f*ckin'
dandy. Fine 'em and suck 'em
while you're at it, you chooch!

I will do neither of those
things, good sir.

There's a special place in
heaven for animal lovers,
that's what I always say.

Yes. And those animals will now
have a special place in heaven,
as well.

Along with my wife, Barbara.
So, let's hit the links!

f*ckin' embarrassing.

I'm ready to drive my car
into a crowd.

Just calm down, baby.

Let's get to work on getting the
Canada Gooses off the
golf course.

We have some coyote decoys
in the shed.

Worked for that golf course off
the Maitlands River.

Uh-hm, it'll work here too.

-Pitter-patter.
-We'll get to work on getting
ankle socks off the golf course.

-Ain't that right, baby.
-Uh-hm.

Let's do this!

-'Sup boys?
-Nothing.

You?

Nothin'

I'm not doing a whole lot of
anything these days.

Oh. Oh. Be my altar boy, man.
Be my altar man.

The Lord worketh dayeth and
nighteth in his battle to
castaway heathenethses.

That's a lot of work for the
Lordeth alone. The Lord could
useth some helpeth

in his fight against the
heathensetheseses...

No! The Lordeth have all the
help in the world.

And all they want is your money
anyway. Join us.

Connect. Conjugate.

Coalesce.

-I'm not really religious, boys.
-That'll do.

-Have nothing really against it,
though.
-That'll do.

Can't we all just hang out?

(ALL) No!

Coyotes. The most obnoxious
predators of rural Canadas.

The town'll still give you
sixty-five bucks a tail for
pickin' 'em off.

To k*ll coyotes is okay.
Coyotes'll raid your hen house.

Coyotes att*ck your livestock,
too. You don't see no Canada
Gooses steal with nobody,

good or bad.

No. You know what
Canada Gooses do?

Canada Gooses help the people
who what's stolen from.
That's what Canada Gooses do.

Tell you what, if you're
accusing Canada Gooses
of stealing,

you're accusing me of stealing
and I suggest you let
that one marinate.

Let's get real here. Coyote
decoys work on Canada Gooses,

but there's not a coyote on
planet Earth who wants nothin'
to do with no Canada Gooses.

Lions is lucky Canada Gooses
don't migrate to Africa.
Then they'd be's extinct.

The only animal in the animal
kingdom what wants anything to
do with Canada Gooses

is Canada Mooses.

Well, Mike Tyson had
a pretty good
run of things.

Do you wanna know why?

No Canada Gooses
in his weight class.

Don't you remember
when that plane had to land
on the river in New York

'cause Canada Gooses
flew into the engine?

It's 'cause Canada Gooses
likely had intel there was
a pedophile or two

on board and took matters
into their own hands.

As they should!

No innocent
people hurt either.

You think that's a fluke?
You tell me that's a fluke.

Go ahead and try
and tell me that's a fluke.

You try to tell me
that's a fluke right now.

Okay, look!
No Canada Gooses
on the golf course

means no eggs to be oiled.
Animal cruelty avoided.

f*ckin' eh.

You know, when I was comin' up
you'd be lucky to even have
any animals.

Now you got so many animals
you wants to be cruel to them?

Must be f*ckin' nice!

Any time anybody's got
a problem these days

it's straight to being
cruel to animals.

We gotta leave
this world behind.

Keep it movin'.
I wanna get some sun today
and there's still lots to do.

For Canada Gooses?

ALL: Anything!

MAN: Quack! Who's that?

f*ckin' embarrassing.

You gonna replace
that divot there, assh*le?

(GLASS SMASHING)
That cocksucker went farther
than your ball did, you sally.

-Whoa!
-You got your pitchin'
wedge in there?

I got a pitch for you.
Go f*ck yourself.

That's impressive.

Heard you were
sexually harassing
all the beer-kart girls.

Well, we have
a beer-kart boy
in this club so...

-Bingo!
-(LAUGHING)

WOMAN:
Have some self-respect
you f*ckin' sally.

You're on Canada Gooses land.

You better fix that divot
'cause Canada Gooses
would fix it for you.

There's a special place
in heaven
for friggin' animal lovers,

-that's what I always say.
-Um-hmm.

-Watch yourself, baby.
-(GLASS SMASHING)

You suck!

Go f*ck yourself,
ya sally!

Dookus...

All right, Jonesy.

Despite catastrophic
contrariness in character

and concerning contrast
in conduct.

Disturbing disparity
in demeanour.

Don't be redundant, Roald.

(SNORING)
Oh my God,
I just woke up.

Remind me.

Do you enjoy gaming?

-Yeah.
-Dancing.

Dancing.

-No.
-Hard dr*gs?

-That's a fight on sight, buddy.
-Qui! C'est parfait!

-Pardon?
-I think you mean pardone.
Donc ... Faque allons-y!

Jonesy.
Do you like bread?

-Yeah.
-Uh-hmm.

That's the body
of Christ, buddy.
Do you like wine?

-Sure.
-That's the blood of Christ.
Do you like singing?

-Um...
-Doot do do do do...

-Do do.
-Oh, Lord, did you hear it?

It's the voice of an angel.
I think the choice
is clear. Just do it!

-But... gaming!
-Gaming.

-I love Chel, boys.
-Chel it is.

Chel it is.

Chel? Uh, no!
No! What about... cheese.

Cheese?

Yes. Cheese.

Everyone knows
cheese is the milk of Christ.

You've hit the motherlode
of cheesie yumminess
when you pick Christ.

It's a classic.
Bread, wine, cheese.

And also cured
in salted dried meats.

That's the flesh of Christ.

-Huh?
-See Corinthians!

Bread, wine, cheese, meat!

Christianity is
a charcuterie board.

Come have some charcuterie
with Christ, Jonesy.

You'll like it. It's yummy.

-Blasphemy!
-Sacrilege!

What would you know?

(CAR DOOR CLOSES)

Hey, buddy.

Hey, buddy.

Katy send you for some
sour candies again?

Yeah, buddy.

Buddy, you should just
buy a bunch of packs
of sour candies.

You put all the packs
of sour candies in a jar
at Katy's,

then you won't have
to keep coming into town
to get sour candies.

She'll have
all the sour candies
she wants right there.

Did you know that
you're the smartest person
that I've ever met?

Back off, Reilly.
Jonesy's coming with me.

No he is not!
He's coming with us.

I need a crew, buddy.

Jonesy want some
charcuterie of Christ?

You must be hungry.
You want a snacky?

-Christ gives you snackies.
-Jones... come here Jonesy.

You want a little snackie,
just... shhh--

-Jonesy. Come here, Jonesy.
-(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

Yummy, yummy.
Come here, Jonesy.

Yummy, yummy, snack down.
Yummy, yummy, snack down.

-(ALL SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)
-Who's the good Jonesy?

Come here... come here Jonesy.
Come. Come--

Yummy, yummy ... Yummy yummy-
Oh who's the good Jonesy?

Jonesy, chel, chel, chel... chel
Jonesy, come here buddy.
Come on.

Chel, chel, chel, chel, chel,
chel, chel, chel, chel...

Bujie, bujie, bujie, bujie...

Chel... chel...
Come here, Jonesy.

(GEESE HONKING)

-MAN: f*ck golf...
-f*ckin' embarrassing.

Would you stop talkin'
so I can enjoy
this peaceful game?

How f*ckin' peaceful
can it be hackin' it up
all day, bud.

-You f*ckin' suck.
-You're terrible.

I'm not sure time
heals that wound.

Must be nice to have time
to hack it up all day.
Must be nice.

When I was comin' up
we'd be lucky to have
any times to relax.

Now you got enough time
to relax and hacks it up.

Must be f*ckin' nice!

Whenever anybody has
a problem these days
it's straight to hacking it up

and make yourself
look like a f*ckin' fool
on the links.

Gotta leave this world behind.

-Look, the geese--
-Gooses!

...they're just pheasants
with better marketing.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-You got a problem
with Canada Gooses,

you got a problem with me
and I suggest
you let that one marinate.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-You play the Beatles
White Album backwards,

you know what you hear?

Canada Gooses.

Same thing
for Michael Jackson's
Thriller.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-And everything Shania Twain's
ever recorded!

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-They buried
a Canada Gooses feather

at centre ice
for Crosby's golden goal
in !

When Columbus found
North America and the
Native Americans were in it,

you know what helped
them find the way?
Canada Gooses.

And what did you hear
right before JFK's got
assassinated there,

Fuzzy Zellers?

A Canada Goose
trying to warns him.

Did you ever notice how
there's always Canada Gooses

flying overhead
when there's a fire?

They're flapping water on it,
but no one calls them heroes.

They're not in it for the glory;
they're in it for the people.

For the relationships.

I've noticed walking down
the path of my life

usually in the deepest
and darkest and saddest times,

there was always
one set of footprints
in the sand.

And they're webbed.

And if my wife were here
instead of getting us
a cocksucking gin and tonic

she'd say there's
a special place in heaven
for animal lovers.

f*ckin' embarrassing.

Bring it. Bring it.
Bring it.

Come on. Come on!

See anyone up town?

Yeah, uh, Roald, Stewart,

Glen, you know. Jonesy.

I got a whole bag
of sour candies for you
so you can put 'em in a big jar

and put 'em on the counter
it's just... just for you,
Katy-Kat.

Oh, no I wanted
the sour jellybeans.

Okay, but I just drove
all the way to town
and... and back. So, uh--

Well, maybe Jonesy
can pick them up.
Or is Jonesy gone?

(ECHOING)
Jonesy gone...
Jonesy gone...

Jonesy gone...
Jonesy gone...
Jonesy gone...

-No!
-No?

No. No. I'll... I'll...
I'll go get...
I'll go get them.

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

(INAUDIABLE)

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-So, if I start taking shits
on your golf course

you can start k*lling my babies
'cause it's exact same thing
with Canada Gooses.

-It's exact same thing.
-Aw, it's f*ckin' embarrassing!

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-And how do you thinks
Evil Knievel's made all them

dare devil jumps there,
shitty John Daleys,
Canada Gooses.

Letting them into
their jet streams,
that's how.

That... that is not true.

The same thing goes
for Evil Knievel Junior
and Travis Pastrana.

They owe everything
they have to Canada Gooses.

-It's not true!
-(GLASS SHATTERS)

And most people
don't know this

but Canada Gooses
were the deciding factor
in the Quebec referendum.

They kept
this country together.

-(GLASS SHATTERS)
-You got a problem
with animal lovers,

you got a problem with me
and I suggest
you let that one marinate.

Fine! Fine!
The Geese--

-Gooses!
-(GRUNTS)

I will call off the oiling
of the Goose eggs, all right,

if you will leave
this golf course, all right,

and let the members
of the Letterkenny

Grey Granite Copper Creek

Whistle Ridge Golf
and goddam Country Club,

play this game in peace!

-Do we have your word?
-You have my word!

Then come look me in the eye
and shake my f*ckin' hand.

Hop to it!

Get movin',
Tiger stripes Woods.

Horizontal stripes
are never flattering.

Thank f*ckin' Christ,
am I happy to leave
this f*ckin' Goose factory.

-Holy sh*t
do you hack it up...
-Unreal.

Get some ankle socks,
you d*ck head.

Come on, come on,
come on, replace those divots.

Those Canada Gooses
will do it for you...

The f*ckin' grass grows ...

Go for an Arnold Palmer...

You know, it's hard not to have
Canada Gooses backs when they're
so close to us as humans.

Male Canada Gooses help female
Canada Gooses.

They're f*ckin' hammered, eh?

It's pretty hard to believe that
Canada Gooses

are still labelled a pest
species in most rural areas.

Well, if the shoe fits, wear it.
If the truth hurts,
bare it, bud.

I'll always root for
the underdog.

The Canada Gooselings are pretty
cute when they hatch though,
right?

Well, no arguments there,
good buddy.

f*ckin' eh.

Have you ever seen how Canada
Gooses stray feathers floatin'
on water?

They're not even like other bird
feathers that get all
waterlogged and sh*t.

No. They're aerodynamic.
Aqua-dynamic.

It's almost like ants could use
their feathers as racing as
kayaks or some sh*t...

Ants racing on kayaks, baby.

Of course they can't, ants can't
race no kayaks, honey.

But maybe they coulds.