10x06 - The Last Vote

[bunniefuu]

ANNOUNCER: The following program
is brought to you in living color on NBC.

[POTS AND PANS CLATTERING]

[HOP SING SHOUTING IN CHINESE]

[SHOUTING ANGRILY]

- Hop Sing. Hop Sing.
- Mr. Cartwright, I quit.

For the third time this
week. Now, what's wrong?

Everything wrong!

Dishes break, pans fall,
fire go out, water leak.

Hop Sing cook all kind
of good food. Nobody eat.

Mr. Hoss go, "Yap,
yap, yap, Little Joe."

Little Joe go, "Yap,
yap, yap, Mr. Hoss."

And then nobody say nothing.

You sit there like
sore-tooth bear.

You go, "Uh! Uh! Uh!"

[SIGHS] Well...

You're right, of course, I...

I agree, but you know how
hard we've been working.

Maybe too hard.
We're tired and stale.

Guess we all got cabin fever.

Tell you what, though, you go back
and clean up whatever disaster there is

and we'll try to make life
a little more livable for you.

Don't want life more
livable! Want everybody eat!

Now, Hop Sing, you go back
there, work up a real good meal,

and I'll go out and work up
a real good appetite, huh?

No more Little Joe,
Mr. Hoss go, "Yap, yap, yap"?

You no go, "Uh! Uh! Uh!"?

No more.

Sorry, it was an accident.

- An accident?
- That's right, an accident.

Little brother, in my way of thinking
there ain't no such word as accident.

That's just an excuse for
carelessness. That wasn't even careless.

- That was stupid.
- What are you yelling about?

- You're still alive, aren't you?
- Barely...

Wait a minute. I just got
through promising Hop Sing

that things were going to be
a little pleasanter around here,

and here you two are
bickering at each other again.

- What started it this time?
- [BOTH SPEAK AT ONCE]

All right, all right, all right.

Forget it. I know what's the matter
with you two. You been working too hard.

No, Pa, it ain't that. We
ain't been working too hard.

It's just that this
one was born ornery.

Is that right, big brother?
Well, let me tell you...

Hold it. Just hold it.

Now, do me a favor,
take the day off.

Go to town. Forget about
everything here. Relax.

- Go away.
- I'm not gonna say no to that.

A cold beer and a few friendly
faces would be a nice change.

- I'll take the south road.
- The north road's fine for me.

Good. Good. Good. Just not having
you two fellas around here for the day

will be a pleasant
vacation for me, too.

[SIGHS DEEPLY] Why couldn't
I have had two daughters?

- Hello, Hoss.
- Hi, Phineas.

I haven't seen you
folks about lately.

- You been working hard?
- Well, you might say that, yeah.

- I'll see you.
- Hey, Hoss, uh...

You ain't been in town
lately, maybe you don't know

me and Titus Simpson's
running for mayor.

Yeah, Sheriff Coffee was
out. He told us about it.

Now, I sort of promised Judge
Clampton that I'd ask folks for votes,

just to make it look good.

If you want to vote for Titus Simpson,
that don't hurt my feelings at all.

Matter of fact, he'd make
a better mayor than me.

Yeah, well, I... I ain't decided
how I'm gonna vote yet.

Yeah, well, it don't matter how
you vote, so long as you vote.

Hey, that ain't bad. I'm gonna
remember that. So long, Hoss.

So long, Phineas.

- Howdy, Hoss.
- Howdy, boys.

Howdy, Hoss! About time
you spent some money in here.

Yeah.

- Little Joe, how are you?
- How are you?

It's a long bar. I'm
standing at this end.

I won't argue. Pa always taught
me to have respect for my elders.

What'll be, boys?

BOTH: Beer.

Uh...

There'll be free beer Friday
after the election, on the house.

It won't be much of an election,
Bruno. Leastwise, not now.

Phineas Burke lost any chance of
winning it just a minute ago outside.

Are you suggesting,
little brother,

that Phineas Burke lost
votes because he talked to me?

Mm-hm.

Yeah, when word gets out that he's
been glad-handing you for your vote,

everybody's gonna know
he's a desperate man.

Nobody wants a desperate man for mayor,
so they'll all vote for Titus Simpson.

[LAUGHING] Oh, boy!

Oh, boy! When you get the orneries
you get them in all directions, don't you?

Phineas Burke ain't
desperate, and you know it.

- Hoss...
- He's gonna be desperate come Friday

when he finds out that
Simpson's getting all the votes.

- Oh, you're gonna vote for Simpson?
- Yes, I like to be on a winning team.

That's exactly why I'm
voting for Phineas Burke.

That's good. That's two
votes he'll get, yours and his.

He'll get a darned
sight more than that.

I'll bet you he wins that
election by a landslide.

You got a bet. Name it.

- Name it.
- [LAUGHING] Oh, silly, I...

Name it! Yeah, see? All talk.

All talk, huh?

You'll be the one that shuts up
when I tell you the bet I got in mind.

Well, how about, uh...

Uh... how about a trip to San
Francisco, and loser pay all?

Yeah, well, that's kind
of a stiff bet, isn't it?

- [LAUGHS] Now, who's weaseling out?
- Nobody's weaseling out!

- I'm not weaseling out. You got a bet.
- And I'm gonna win it.

- Don't be so sure of that...
- Boys! Maybe you don't know it, boys.

But neither Simpson nor Burke
care much one way or the other

which one becomes mayor.

They've been good friends for too many
years to want to make a fight out of it.

Thank you, Bruno.

Don't spend all your money here.

You're gonna need it to pay my
expenses when I go to San Francisco.

[LAUGHING]

Well, Joseph.

Hey, it's been quite a while!
Something I can do for you?

No, Mr. Simpson. Just wanted to
stop by, say hello, see how you're doing.

Well, that's mighty nice of you.

Hey, I hear you and Phineas
Burke are running for mayor.

Oh, we got our
names on the ballot,

but we just did it as a
favor to Judge Clampton.

Hey, wouldn't be so bad being
the mayor though, would it?

- Oh, I don't right care Joseph.
- You don't care?

You're not saying it's not an honor
to be the mayor of Virginia City?

Oh, I suppose it is, but I'd be just as
happy if my friend Phineas were elected.

[SCOFFS] Boy! Say, that's not
the way we learned it in school.

We were taught that a candidate
went out among the people,

- let them know what he stood for.
- Well, there's no need.

Phineas and I
agree on everything.

Well, you could
hand out a few drinks.

Drinks cost money.

Kiss a few babies? That
doesn't cost anything.

Oh! Not me.

- [TAPS COUNTER]
- Well, I'll tell you I'm disappointed.

I really am
because it's not fair,

not fair to the people of Virginia City
not to let them know where you stand.

Oh, come on now, Joseph.
There's nobody that much interested.

Oh, I am interested,
Mr. Simpson. I'm interested.

Because to tell you the truth, I
think you're the only man for the job.

Why, Joseph!

That's a mighty fine
thing for you to say.

It's just the way I feel.

I always said that young folks should
take an interest in their government.

If you want to hand out free
drinks and kiss some babies...

you go right ahead.

Uh... Mr. Simpson, are you
saying it would be all right with you

if I just sort of went around and tried
to get a few people to vote for you?

I'd be ungrateful if I said no,

if that's the way you
want to spend your time.

[TO HIMSELF] I either spend
my time or I spend my money.

- What's that?
- Oh, I was just saying,

it's the duty of every
interested citizen

to pick the candidate of his
choice, then see that he's elected.

That's the American way.

Why, Joseph, that makes
me feel right warm inside.

I know how you feel.
I'd better get to work.

Now, don't you forget that
this was your idea, not mine.

Like I said, I'd just as soon
see my friend Phineas elected.

You just get used to being
called Mayor Simpson.

"The honorable
Mayor Titus Simpson."

[BRASS BAND PLAYING
A ROUSING MARCH]

The honorable
Mayor Titus Simpson?

If you good citizens have a
moment, I'd like to say a few words

on behalf of the next mayor
of Virginia City. Have a drink.

- Thank you, Little Joe.
- Thanks, Joe.

Come to think on it,
there is an election Friday.

Yeah, Burke and Simpson. That
ain't nothing to get all het up about.

Either one would make a good mayor.
Six of one, half a dozen of the other.

- Even-Stevens.
- Gentlemen, please.

Please, do you realize
you're talking about

the highest office we voters
can give a man in this city,

a man who is gonna guide our
destiny for the next four years?

Huh. It appears like you're
pretty fired-up about this, Little Joe.

Which man you figure
ought to be mayor?

The only man a thinking
man would vote for.

A vote for Titus Simpson is
a vote for honest government.

DRINKER: Are you saying that
Phineas Burke ain't honest, Joe?

Oh, no, no, I'm not saying it.

You know, I did feel that
Burke over-charged me

when he fixed
my r*fle last month.

Mm-hm.

Hoss, you just got to give that
brother of yours the A-1 medal for crust.

He suckered you into making a
bet that he sure intends to go his way.

Does Titus Simpson know you're
out b*ating the drum for him, Joe?

You bet he does. I just
got through talking to him.

So, that's where he's been!

Titus Simpson's a peck
smarter than I give him credit for,

holding off until just four
days before the election.

Any man that's that conniving
just got to be a good politician.

Mm-hm.

And then getting himself
a campaign manager.

Campaign manager?

Yeah, I guess you could put it
that way. How about another drink?

- Thank you, Little Joe.
- Thanks, Joe.

"Campaign manager."

It's got a nice ring to it.

Citizens!

It ain't fair, Bruno.
It just ain't fair.

I don't see why not, Hoss. He sure
ain't sneaking around behind your back.

Same token, nothing to keep
you from handing out a few drinks.

Yeah, you're doggone right.

[CLEARS THROAT] It
just so happens, Hoss,

I have some real fine
whiskey right here.

Yeah, well, hang
on to it for me, Bruno.

This is gonna take
more than whiskey.

Drink up!

Come, come, now, Hoss. There
ain't a finer man in this world

than my friend and
partner, Titus Simpson.

I don't know where you got
the idea, but he just would not do

that kind of a low
and sneaky trick.

He would, he has, and
he is. Look here, Phineas.

He's done and got Little
Joe for a campaign manager.

He's over giving out free
booze and a lot of loose talk

about how much more
honest Titus is than you are.

Well, I appreciate your interest,
but I just know you're mistaken.

Titus and me are
just like brothers.

I'd say we're almost
as close as you and Joe.

Ha! Don't you go counting
on how close me and Little...

- [CHEERING]
- I don't understand.

You got a lot of understanding
to pick up on, Phineas.

Take a look at that.

[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERING]

Friends! Friends, let
me just take a moment.

I don't want you to think that Titus
Simpson is trying to buy your votes.

This is merely his humble way

of expressing his modest thanks
to each and every one of you.

[CHEERING]

But... But let me ask,

has any one of you gotten a
free drink from Phineas Burke?

[LAUGHTER]

Titus Simpson
stands for progress.

[CHEERING]

And Titus Simpson
is a man of integrity.

I don't believe it.
That's your brother.

Now, you're beginning
to understand.

Drink up, fellas. What a man
you've got running for you.

Come on, drink up!

Yes, good citizens, as Titus
Simpson's campaign manager,

I can tell you without
fear of contradiction,

that Titus Simpson stands
for fearless leadership...

[CHEERS]

So, he didn't want to be
mayor? He didn't want the glory?

My friend. My partner.

[SLURRED] Whether
you agree with...

Whether you agree with Little Joe
or not, you got to admit us citizens

should be paying more attention as
to who's going to be the next mayor.

And free drinks or not, I'm
voting for Phineas Burke.

Burke?

Didn't you hear me telling
how he robbed me blind

when he fixed my r*fle?

Well, only a second-grade boob
would vote for a slicker like that.

You calling me a boob?

If the shoe fits...

Ugh!

Phineas, you gotta face facts.

Unless you do something, and do it
quick, Titus is gonna win this election.

You gotta do like he done, get yourself
a crackerjack campaign manager.

Well, I've been
flummoxed, sure enough,

but I ain't gonna let no
grass grow under my feet.

And I know the only man I
want for my campaign manager,

the only man that can match that
smooth-talking brother of yours.

- You'd better look him up quick.
- Oh, I don't have to look him up, Hoss.

The man I want is you.

Ah! Phineas, just in time.

- Fresh coffee.
- Yeah?

- Well, which cup got the arsenic in it?
- What?

Oh, don't play the innocent lamb
with me, you back-stabbing coyote.

- What?
- Oh, quit saying "what?"

You gonna deny you sent Joe
Cartwright out to get votes for you?

- Sure, he was here, but...
- Oh.

You gonna deny you knew he
was gonna pass out free drinks,

- make speeches, call me dishonest?
- Well, I knew about the drinks, but...

Oh, quit saying "but."

Although, now I got
you dead to rights,

maybe that's all you can
say, you two-faced skunk.

Now, see here...

No, now, that's been
my trouble, not seeing.

Not seeing what a dirty,
oily-tongued snake you really are.

- Now, see here...
- Quit saying "now, see here."

As a matter of fact,
quit saying anything.

Now, you hold on
just one minute...

Don't you start that again.

From now on, you and me are
through, you understand? Finished.

Where do you keep this chalk?

Here, here, here, here.

Here. Now, you
stay on your side.

Get over here. You stay on
your side, and I'll stay on my side.

And don't you worry about
me being here too long, neither,

cause after Friday I'm gonna
be moving into the mayor's office.

So, that's it, huh?

You heard Joe Cartwright asking
people to vote for me and it bothered you.

That means you really
wanted to be mayor yourself.

Oh, listen who's talking now.

- Now, see...
- Don't you step over that line!

I'll step over
any line I please.

This is gonna be the sorriest
election we ever had, Clem.

It's all my fault, too, getting Titus
and Phineas to run against each other.

I should have known they
wouldn't make an issue out of it,

being friends like they are.

They're real pals, that's
for sure, buddies to the end.

A Damon and Pythias.

BURKE: You try crossing
that line again, you'll be sorry.

SIMPSON: You try
throwing another chair at me

and I'll throw you
through the window.

You did say Damon and Pythias?

Sounds more like Cain and Abel.

SIMPSON: Ha! If you
were mayor I'd leave town.

Doesn't it?

[MOUTHING SILENTLY]

[BEN SIGHS]

Well, it sure is nice to have some
peace and quiet around here for a change.

[MOUTHING SILENTLY]

Hoss, what are you doing,
writing your memoirs?

No, sir. I'm writing a speech for
Phineas Burke. He's running for mayor.

Pa, how do you spell "graft"?

I'd think of a better
word. [CHUCKLES] Graft?

Hey, Joe.

- Joseph?
- Hm? Yes, sir?

Don't tell me you're
writing a speech, too.

Yeah, I'm not writing
it for that thief, Burke.

Mine is for the next mayor of
Virginia City, honest Titus Simpson.

I suppose, uh...

having opposing political
views in one family is all right.

Huh? That's the
American way, Pa.

Well, now, Phineas and Titus,
of course, are both very fine men,

and I think it's commendable that
you two are helping with their speeches,

but you'd better get your work done in
a hurry, we've gotta get an early start.

Get Hop Sing run them into town
for you. We got a hard day's work.

Yeah, Pa.

Pa, I, uh... I don't think I'm gonna
be able to do any chores, Pa,

until after the
election on Saturday.

You see, I... I got myself volunteered
as campaign manager for Phineas Burke.

Yeah, and I'm doing the
same thing for Titus Simpson.

Campaign managers?

Joe, maybe we ought
to resign. It ain't fair.

- It's a dirty trick to pull on Pa.
- What do you mean, resign?

We'll just work extra hard
next week and give Pa a day off.

Unless you're trying
to weasel out again.

Not on your life.

Coffee, Mr. Hoss?

[MOUTHING SILENTLY]

Coffee, Little Joe?

Huh. [MUTTERING IN CHINESE]

[MAN CLEARS THROAT]

Hey, Mr. Simpson. Well,
what do you think of it?

I got to admit, Joe. I never
expected nothing like this.

The way I figure it, nothing's
too good for the next mayor.

Mayor Simpson.

Mayor Titus Simpson.

[CHUCKLES] Does sort
of have a ring to it, don't it?

Hey, Tim, how about a little
more red bunting on the railing?

You bet, Mr. Simpson.

If I'm gonna be mayor, I reckon
I'd better start acting like one.

We'll show that Phineas
Burke how real politicians work!

- Right, Joseph?
- That's the attitude.

Say, Joseph, there's something
I wanna discuss with you...

[CRASH, CLATTER]

- One of ours?
- No, it's one of Burke's men.

He started it, Deputy.
We saw the whole thing.

Yeah, I know.

It's my guess he's one
of Burke's hired hands.

On your feet.

We gotta teach that Burke that he
can't pull any underhanded tricks on us.

But, Mr. Simpson, you
really didn't see anything.

Don't you think you're
going a bit too far?

Now, look here, Joseph. It was
you who started the ball rolling.

It was you who forced
Burke to show his hand,

forced him to show me what a
perfidious turncoat he really is.

Mr. Simpson, I really think
you're going a little too far.

I'm just taking your advice.

Is that the kind of a man you want
for a mayor? It's time for a change.

Drive the rascals out, I say.

A new broom sweeps clean.

May I remind you, Joseph,
that those are your words?

The speech you wrote for me?

The speech that's gonna make
me the next mayor of Virginia City?

Yeah, I wanted to talk
to you about that speech.

Maybe we ought to
tone it down a trifle.

The way you say it, it doesn't sound
the same. That's not the image...

Image? By gad, Joseph,
you've done it again!

I've got to be an
image to the voters.

Well, not the real me, but
the man they think they want.

I got to get over to the tailor's
and get me some new duds.

Mayor Simpson.

I'll see you later, Joseph.

I gotta practice if I'm gonna
make that speech at two o'clock.

- Mr. Simpson, I...
- Mayor Simpson!

[MOUTHING SILENTLY]

Hi, Phineas. Your speech
is all set for two o'clock.

I've been out on the street
talking it up with the folks.

You ought to have a good crowd.

I don't know, Hoss. I'm not
too much on this speech making.

Phineas, you'll be great.

I mean, after all, I spent a
lot of time writing that speech.

- You ain't gonna let me down, are you?
- Oh, I'll do my best.

I got to admit you sure
wrote a fine speech for me.

Yeah, you really
got a way with words.

"When, in the course
of human events..."

Well, that's plumb beautiful.

Yeah, it just sort
of come to me.

Look, Phineas, you got to
practice cause you got to be good.

It ain't so important what
you say, it's how you say it.

You see, if you do it good, you'll have
all them voters yelling and stomping.

And they'll be yelling,
"Phineas Burke!

- The next mayor of Virginia City!"
- You really think so?

Doggone right. You'd better, too,
unless you want old Titus elected.

Never.

Now, you practice that speech,
you hear? I'll see you at two o'clock.

I'll be ready.

"When, in the course
of human events..."

"When in the course...
of human events..."

"When in the course
of human... events..."

- Clem.
- Hello, Ben.

I see you're pretty busy.

Yeah, I'm pretty busy.

I wonder if I can talk
you into coming to town.

Huh?

Well, Joe and Hoss are in there

and you just wouldn't believe
the ruckus they've stirred up.

Three days ago, it was as
peaceful as ducks on a millpond.

Now, it's more like a
sack full of bobcats.

Not doing anything
illegal, are they?

No, nothing illegal, but sure prodding
folks into making a mess of things.

26 fights, four
busted store windows.

I got 14 of the town citizens
locked up in the jailhouse, Ben.

Well, Clem, you're
not criticizing people

for expressing their
political views, are you?

- Because it's my opinion...
- No.

That people should take an
interest in their government.

That's a mild way
of putting it, Ben.

Well, maybe the boys are expressing a
youthful exuberance in their campaigning

but, well, as you said, they're
not doing anything illegal.

No, nothing but making enemies
out of old long-time friends.

Nothing but egging folks on
to tearing half the town apart.

Well, you must be exaggerating.

- You see, healthy dissension...
- No, I'm not.

In an election is what
keeps our country strong.

The American way.

[BRASS BAND PLAYING
A ROUSING MARCH]

Citizens! Citizens.

I know you didn't
come to hear me speak.

You came to weigh the words of a man
who cherishes the future of this fair city,

a man who holds dear the very principles
on which this nation was founded.

A man who needs no introduction.

Citizens, the next
mayor of Virginia City...

[BASS DRUM APPROACHING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

[WHISTLES, CHEERING]

Citizens. Citizens.

Citizens.

Citizens.

Citizens!

Over here is the man
you came to hear speak.

The next mayor
of Virginia City...

HOSS: That's right,
ladies and gentlemen.

The next mayor of
Virginia City, Phineas Burke.

[DRUM b*ating, CHEERING]

[LAUGHING]

Citizens, just...
Citizens, just a minute.

Now, is this any way
to run a democracy?

After all, one of the great principles
of this country is free speech.

And I'm quite sure you're not
going to allow this rude interruption

to keep you from hearing
the words of my candidate.

- Thank you.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

Uh... Good citizens
of Virginia City.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

I, uh...

Um... [CLEARS THROAT]

Yes, yes, I stand before you,
uh... fearless and undaunted.

Uh...

ready to, uh, assume
the, uh, duties of...

- [LAUGHTER]
- SIMPSON: Yes, I stand before you...

- [CROWD LAUGHING]
- SIMPSON: Uh... Uh...

I forgot the speech you wrote.

[LAUGHTER CONTINUING]

Ladies and gentlemen, they can't
say we didn't give them a chance.

You came here to listen to a speech
and, by grannies, you're gonna to hear one.

I give you the
golden-throated Phineas Burke.

[CHEERING, DRUMBEATS]

I, uh...

Uh...

Uh...

- [CROWD LAUGHS]
- Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

Uh...

[LAUGHTER CONTINUING]

I'm sorry, Joseph, but at least
I didn't do as bad as he did.

No, you're right. We ought to
strike while the iron is hot. Citizens!

Citizens, your attention
for just a moment.

I wanted to tell you why Titus Simpson
was unable to speak to you a moment ago.

Because he was choked-up.
He was choked-up, and why?

I'll tell you, why, because
he could see the trust

and the respect in the eyes of
the people that he holds so dear.

Now, doesn't that prove to
you that he is the only man

to be at the helm of the
highest office of Virginia City?

The only man who can guide us
through the stormy seas ahead.

A man of progress,
a man of destiny,

the unimpeachable Titus Simpson.

[CHEERING]

Ladies and gentlemen, now you heard all
of that hogwash, listen to mine a while.

- [LAUGHTER]
- The only reason Mr. Burke here,

the only reason he
didn't say nothing

was that he was just choked-up
more than Mr. Simpson was.

Don't that prove that he's
even... that he's even more im...

- What was that word?
- Unimpeachable.

- Unimpeachable, yeah! Unimpeachable!
- [LAUGHTER]

I don't know much
about a hand at the helm

on a stormy sea
and none that stuff,

because seeing as how we're better
than 100 miles, probably, from the ocean.

[LAUGHTER]

Phineas Burke here would make a
doggone good mayor, I can tell you that.

[CROWD CHEERS]

- He's getting to them, Joseph.
- Sit tight.

[PLAYING A ROUSING MARCH]

That ain't fair, Joe!

That just ain't fair, you
hear? That's dirty politics.

Well, now, maybe you know
which side you should have been on.

That's dirty politics,
and you know it.

Only a man like Simpson
would pull a trick like that.

- You'd be a boob if you voted for him.
- You calling me a boob?

If the shoe fits...

Citizens of Virginia City...

as I gaze out over
the stormy sea of life...

I see calm and prosperity...

SIMPSON: Fearless and
undaunted, I stand before you,

while over there stands a
man that no one should trust...

But... Uh...

SIMPSON: not even his best
friend and business partner.

BURKE: If you're gonna
elect a man like that,

that would sink his
own business partner,

then everybody's gonna
go down like a rock.

But... Uh...

Uh...

Hey, Davey! Davey!

- Come on, it's a fight.
- I'll be right there!

Wah!

Where's the fight?

Uh...

Clem, come here a
minute. I want to talk...

- Judge, I got to get out...
- I have to tell ya.

- I just...
- Just a minute. Listen to me.

- I have to talk to you...
- In a minute, Judge.

Just a minute! I want to tell
you my attitude about this thing.

Now, listen to me.
This is very important.

Uh...

Citizens of Virginia City.

[SMACK]

[SMACK]

- I...
- Uh...

- I want to make sure you understand.
- I do understand.

I'll take care of it later!

I'll take care of everything.

- Hold it, Joe. I'm on your side.
- This one is yours!

Oh, thanks, Joe!

It's the American way.

[BRASS BAND PLAYING]

JUDGE: Well, Pete Carter, huh?

- Right, Judge.
- Now, you step into the saloon.

- You'll find the voting booth inside.
- Thank you, Judge.

- No trouble so far, Judge?
- No. Oh, there has been a big turnout!

This is the biggest
election I ever seen.

I can see that.

Next.

It's a good thing I
was here to watch,

or you'd have probably tried to
stuff the ballot box for Simpson.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

Burke's the one who needs that.

Why, you're probably the only
boob in town who voted for him.

You calling me a boob?

I said it before
and I'll say it again.

If the shoe...

That'll be just about
enough. I have had it.

Now, you go that
way, you go that way,

and try to stay away
from each other.

Ha! This has been a
beautiful election! Beautiful.

Well, it looks like every eligible
voter in town has filled in his ballot.

I'm sure you're right,

but we can't officially close
the polls for another two hours.

Even so, there's no law that
says we can't count the ballots now.

Well, that... that'll be
okay by me, Judge,

but I expect we'd better
get us a couple of witnesses.

Don't want nobody accusing
us of any shenanigans.

Shenanigans?

What makes you think there'd be
any shenanigans about this election?

I tell you what, you go
and get two witnesses.

- Get Joe and Hoss Cartwright.
- Yeah.

Shenanigans!

Burke. Burke. Burke.

Simpson. Burke. Simpson.

Simpson. Simpson. Simpson.

That's all. Now,
total them up, Clem.

C'mon, Clem. Did Burke win it?

- Who won?
- Come on, Simpson win it?

Well?

- Not yet.
- [GROANS]

- Well, come on, let's go.
- Who won?

There's no doubt about it.
302 votes for Phineas Burke.

302 votes for Titus
Simpson. It's a tie.

Maybe you made a mistake.
What do you mean it's a tie?

Look for yourself.
100, 200, 300.

100, 200, 300. Two
left over. It's a tie.

302 votes apiece.

Well, we got to find somebody
else that hasn't voted yet,

otherwise we're gonna
have to call this a no contest

and have an election
again next week.

- Oh, no, not that.
- Pa wouldn't like that.

Hey, Pa ain't voted yet, has he?

By jiminy, Hoss, you're right!

[HORSE WHINNIES]

[♪ BRASS BAND PLAYS
"WILLIAM TELL OVERTURE"]

No, I did not forget to vote.

For the first time in my life, I
deliberately decided not to vote.

What do you mean,
you decided not to vote?

First of all, with you two on the
opposite sides of the political fence,

I didn't wanna be in the
position of having to take sides.

Second of all, Burke and
Simpson are good friends of mine.

Both are equally capable.

If you two hadn't interfered,

the town would have been perfectly
content to have either one as mayor.

- [WHIRRING]
- Pa.

Your vote is gonna make
the decision. You got to vote.

Otherwise, there'll be a
runoff election next week.

The American way to do it.

Yeah, but if there's another election,
there's gonna be another campaign.

And we're the campaign managers.

[WHIRRING STOPS]

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

- I'll get my horse.
- I'll saddle him for you, Pa.

And don't forget, Titus Simpson
will make a wonderful mayor.

I'll get your hat, Pa, in
the name of Phineas Burke.

Pa, would you mind telling me
and Joe how you're gonna vote?

It seems to me, the way a man
votes is his private business.

But it ain't gonna make much difference.
Everybody is gonna know how you voted.

Me and Joe want to
know who won the bet.

Bet? Oh, is that why you
two boys have been putting on

this great big
display of civic zeal?

A bet, huh? All right,
what was the bet?

Well, see, the loser's got to pay
the other one's way to San Francisco,

a little vacation at
the end of the summer.

That's a good bet,
it's a very good bet,

but you boys made
one slight miscalculation.

I'm the one who's
going to San Francisco.

You're the ones who are gonna stay
home this summer and work. Is that clear?

And while I'm in there voting, I
think you boys might walk around town

and try to patch up some of that
damage you've caused. Is that clear?

Looks like we're both losers,
no matter how he votes.

- Don't it?
- Yeah.

You just made it, Ben.
Polls close in a few minutes.

- I'm glad I'm on time.
- The booth's over there.

Don't feel you have to hurry.

[SIGHS DEEPLY]

There's no fool
like an old fool.

What?

If I had a dunce
cap, I'd wear it.

I don't need a dunce cap. I
ought to get kicked by a mule.

Ruined!

Friendship of 20 years,
ruined, and it's all my fault.

Oh, that ain't so, Titus. It was
me that ruined our friendship.

I got delusions of grandeur.

The truth of the matter is

we both got suckered in by them
smooth-talking Cartwright brothers.

Something I want
you to know, Phineas.

I voted for you.

And I voted for you!

Yeah!

[RUBBING FOOT ON FLOOR]

Hey, we still don't know which
one of us is gonna be mayor.

Well, I hope it's you.

Ah. I hope it's you.
You're the better man.

Hey. Hey.

- Here.
- Oh, thanks.

Well, either way, let's make sure
nobody ever breaks up our friendship again.

- [SIMPSON LAUGHS]
- [DOOR OPENS]

- Let's make very sure.
- Mm!

- Titus, Hoss and I wanted to...
- You friendship wreckers, you!

- Trouble makers!
- Fellas...!

- We wanted to apologize...
- Come on, get, get, get!

Friendship wreckers! Get
out, get out and stay out!