02x02 - A Kiss Is Just a Kiss

[bunniefuu]

♪ ♪

- Hey!
- Hey, Dad.

Hey, Dad.

You coming with us to visit
Becky at the hospital?

No, I can't. I'm on a break from work,

but I got something for Becky,
if you'd give it to her.

The store sells this really great

Lanolin cocoa butter for stretch marks.

Wow, that's sweet.

After all she's been through,
it's nice to remind her

she's all stretched out.

I looked in our baby section.

It was either that or something
for cracked nipples.

They cr*ck?

I gotta go. My manager's
in a terrible mood.

He tanked his SATs.

MARK: Bye.

If Becky's getting
something, we should bring

something for Lil Bev.

- Like a stuffed animal.
- Mm-hmm.

I don't know. It's a preemie.

A Beanie Baby that's
bigger than your kid...

that's gonna be depressing.

[CELLPHONE RINGS]

Darlene, it's your phone.

[GASPS] It's Mark's school.

Wow!

Are you in trouble,
or does the pink-eye girl

have lice now?

[RINGING CONTINUES]

Hello?

Uh, hi, Principal Reynolds. How are you?

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Okay, that's... that's not good.

Um, yeah. We'll be there.

What's he in trouble for?

Spreading too much sunshine
everywhere he goes?

Why don't you guys head out to
the car and give us a second?

So, we have to go see
the principal tomorrow

because your school has a "no PDA" rule

and somebody posted a
picture of you kissing

your friend Austin at school.

He wins at everything,
and now he has a boyfriend?

I hate you!

So, Austin's your boyfriend?

How come you didn't tell me?

I don't know. I guess he's my boyfriend.

When we found out they
were gonna start serving

personal pizzas at lunch,

we got so excited that we kissed.

I get that.

Well, there is a longer talk to come,

but have you guys done
anything more than kiss?

No, just the kiss.

And that was the first time.

He only told me he was gay last week.

Is Austin the dark, brooding one

or the kid that's always
smelling his hand?

Neither, Grandpa.

All right, well, we'll
deal with this tomorrow,

but in the meantime, no more PDA.

You're at school to
learn, not kiss, okay?

Got it.

So, you think you're ready for
a relationship, huh, pal?

I think so. Is there
anything I should know?

I'll just say, you're ,
don't sign anything,

and just treat him the way you'd
want to be treated, I guess.

Austin says I don't listen enough.

Does he also say you drink too much?

'Cause that's coming.

- [BREAST PUMP HISSING]
- How are we doing?

I've been trying to pump every
couple hours, but nothing.

I've always been able
to count on my boobs,

but they're betraying me.

Have you tried to express
the milk by hand?

Are you kidding?

I've been squeezing myself
like an entitled frat boy.

It takes some people longer.

Everything'll be okay.

As Becky's life and birth coach,

um, I need to inform you

that your constant
reductive reassurances

are not appreciated.

She understands that the
milk contains colostrum,

which carries the antibodies

that preemies need to fight disease.

She knows that she's playing
with the baby's life.

So just let her be, could ya?

I got your back.

Hey.

Hey! Did you see the baby?

- Oh, yeah. Strong.
- She looks beautiful!

Don't sugarcoat it.

I've seen her. You can be honest.

Okay, well, I've seen cuter
babies in jars at the fair.

[SCOFFS]

It's okay. Babies don't
always start out pretty.

Darlene looked like Yoda.
You had Dumbo ears.

And DJ...

DJ did start out pretty,

so... be careful what you wish for.

Hey, Beck, you know,
you've been up for two nights.

It's hard to make milk when
you're tired and stressed.

You need to sleep.

Geena's hospital...
they had a lactation specialist.

Maybe you can get one of those.

This is County.

People pay their bills
here with chickens.

We have chickens!

You don't have chickens.

I have chickens.

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

♪ ♪

"The Conners" is recorded

in front of a live studio audience.

Darlene, I need to tell you something.

What?

What'd you need to tell me?

That.

- [DOOR CLOSES]
- Get back upstairs.

That could be my dad or the kids.

Mm, did I hear David?

Yes. He slept over last night.

Again? Oh, you're taking
some chances here.

If the kids find out and tell Ben,

your little sausage party is over.

It's okay.

We're quiet, and he knows
to stay in my room

until my dad and the kids are gone.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Oh, crap! It's Ben!

Ben!

Hey, uh, what... what the...
what are you doing here?

Oh. That's funny.

In my head, you just said, "Hey, Ben,

what a pleasant surprise."

I'm sorry. I-I just
didn't ex-expect you.

We're just about to leave
for the ho... for...

So, thanks for coming!

Thanks for the deli platter!

Oh, wow. Wait, are you
rushing me out, or...

No. Of course not.
Of course not. Come on in.

[CHUCKLING] Okay.

Okay, say what you need to say.

[CHUCKLES] I was just
in the neighborhood,

and I thought you might like this

'cause you probably don't have
time for cooking right now.

And, uh, it's, uh...

it's half vegan and... half delicious.

Okay. Thank you! Kiss me and go!

Okay.

Wow, it's like "Casablanca."

[CHUCKLES]

You, sir, have besmirched me daughter!

Now you must marry her!

[CHUCKLES]

And I accept your cold-cut dowry.

Dan, shouldn't you be at work?

Oh, one of my crew guys peed on
some wires and we lost power.

Blew him right out of his shoes.

[CHUCKLES]

[LAUGHING] How you doing, Dan?

Uh, he's great. Everything's great.

Apparently, I'm great.

All right, let's say
goodbye on the porch.

It's on my way to seeing Becky.

[CLEARS THROAT]

So, you know, the other day,
I-I told you that I thought

you seemed stressed by the commute,

but you seem just real anxious to me.

Um, have you ever considered
talking to a therapist?

Well, I have all that discretionary

income lying around.

Maybe I'll try therapy after
that Tuscan wine safari.

[LAUGHS] Oh, come on.

Most therapists charge
on a sliding scale.

Something to think about.

Bye, love-you-miss-you-mean-it.

Oh.

Yeah. Maybe twice a week to start.

Look, Darlene. It's David.

David, you can't be down here
like that. My dad's home.

If he sees you in that robe,
he's gonna know we had sex.

Sorry, I'm just washing some clothes.

And I saw your father go in the
garage with a platter of meat.

He's not coming out till spring.

No, no, it's... it's half vegan.

We've got like two minutes
until he hits broccoli

and comes screaming out of there.

You're making a big deal out of nothing.

Get dressed. Now.

But they're wet.

Aah, and they're cold.

Oh, yeah, I'm stuck.

I'll help. You take left.
I'll take right.

Okay. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Wait. Just a... Let me do it.

You don't know where everything goes.

Okay, go. All right,
love you, and I'll see you

at the principal's office at : .

- Don't forget. Bye.
- Yeah.

[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]

You can't make me feel
worse about myself

than I already feel right now.

At least let me try.

Look, I know it's wrong,

but I-I love David and I love Ben.

And I have to decide who I'm gonna spend

the rest of my life with.

Well, let's talk about it,
and maybe I can help you.

Pick Ben.

Ben challenges you.
He's financially stable.

He'll be a fantastic partner.

David is sweet, but you've
already gone down that road.

But he's the father of my children,

and he's really stepping
up and showing up for us.

So buy him a "Number One Dad"
t-shirt as a parting gift,

and then you go be with Ben.

And the sex has gotta be fantastic.

Get to... Get to rub that
beard all over your body.

David is familiar and
soft and, you know,

having sex with him is
like being with a nice,

fluffy marshmallow.

David has a beard.

Mm, does he, though?

Is Austin's mother going to join us?

Well, she hasn't joined
us in eight years,

so the odds are against it.

Can we get this going?

Yeah, I think we can take care
of this in a couple minutes.

- This whole thing's crazy.
- [CLEARS THROAT]

I'd just like to make an...
an opening statement.

Um, well, as Mark's father,
I-I'm no longer taking

a-a sidelines position
on his upbringing.

I-I am now fully in the picture,
and... and as such,

uh, I, too, think this
whole thing's crazy.

I'm sorry, but we have rules

about public displays of affection.

Mark and Austin are getting
three days detention.

What?! Is this because they're two boys?

Because when I was here,
kids kissed all the time.

My sister, Becky, kissed her teacher,

and she didn't get detention.
She got an "A."

We don't differentiate
on the basis of gender.

Well, you're not punishing my grandson.

Austin doesn't kiss boys.
Mark kissed him.

Well, that's not what I heard.
Is that what Austin told you?

Yes.

That's not what happened.

Yes, it is. I was just
in line for pizza,

and you came up and kissed me.

That's not true.

Uh, Mark doesn't lie.

That's not how he was raised.

I-I wasn't there for a lot
of it, but I'm pretty sure.

Who are you gonna believe?

My kid [CHUCKLING] or the
boy with the nail polish?

Hey, wearing nail polish
doesn't make you a liar.

Now, Austin, I know this is hard,

but you just got to tell the truth.

Don't talk to him.

I am telling the truth.

No, you're not.

Y-You said you liked me.

Well, I don't.

Austin, wait outside.

You raise your kid however you want,

but I've got enough on my plate
raising Austin by myself.

I don't need your kid confusing him

into thinking he's something he isn't!

Hey, you know what?
It's not contagious, lady.

Your kid's not gonna catch
being gay any more than

he's gonna catch being a
cranky, old wench like you.

I don't need to listen to this.

No, yes, you do.

Maybe you don't want to accept the fact

that your grandkid might be gay,

but you scaring him into denying it

is just gonna ruin his life.

Well, this feels like a
natural stopping point.

Oh, maybe you can take
the progress you've made

and continue over coffee somewhere.

No, we're not going for coffee.

We're very angry right now!

Unless you wanted coffee.

- No, I don't.
- Do you want... She doesn't!

Hey, buddy.

You ready to talk?

Principal called.
No one's getting detention.

Okay.

Going for a new color?

Nope. I'm not gonna wear
nail polish anymore.

How come?

Just tired of it. That's all.

Today was, uh, really bad, huh?

I can't believe Austin
said those things.

He won't even talk to me now.

Well, you know that's
because of his grandmother,

not because of you.

Yeah, and his grandma's old.

I heard her coughing in the hallway.

One more bad flu season,

and you guys are back together again.

Hey, don't be mad at Austin.

He's caught in a really bad situation.

I don't care. I am mad at him.

And I'm mad at you.

What? Why?

You told me I shouldn't hide who I am,

and look what happened.

Yeah, but you shouldn't
hide who you are.

Austin has to do that.

You don't wanna live like that, right?

My life would be so much
easier if I wasn't gay.

Hey, stop it.

This is not your problem.
This is their problem.

Forget what I said about not being mad.

Austin's a jerk for turning on you,

and his grandma's a jerk
for not caring how much

she's hurting the two of you.

You should be mad,
and you should stay mad

'cause you're amazing and
everybody else sucks!

Is liking someone always
gonna be this hard?

Oh, you mean falling in love?

Yeah, love is freakin' brutal.

I mean, just take your dad.

I thought he was my soul mate,

and then he left for nine years.

There's probably other examples.

Yeah, but it's a good one.

All right. [CLEARS THROAT]

I-I think we may have gotten off topic.

W-What's important is
that someone wonderful

will eventually come along.

You know, I-I-I think the
hard part is that you know

who you are at a very early age.

And that's great.

But until the other kids catch up,

it might be a little lonely.

Well, what do I do until then?

Well, that is where you're lucky

because you have a really fun family!

[LAUGHS]

Get off me, you weirdos!

No!

Do you feel better now?

Yes, I love myself!

I'm glad I'm gay!

Leave me alone!

[LAUGHS]

[BREAST PUMP HISSING]

We did it!

We did it!

Nice job, lefty!

You were always my favorite!

Nurse!

♪ ♪

Wow!

Yeah, poor Mark, huh?

No, I'm talking about us.

We just parented the
crap out of that kid.

- Yeah, we did.
- Mm-hmm.

We are kicking ass as parents.

We're having great sex.
And we love each other.

Let's go tell the kids we're
getting back together tonight.

I know it'll cheer Mark up.

Um, it's still too soon.

Look [CHUCKLES] we just told
Mark not to live a lie,

and here we are sneaking and
hiding from our own family.

This has gotta stop.

Well, we're still working
on our relationship.

You know, just don't
get ahead of yourself.

If... If there's a reason

we can't be back together, then say it.

Otherwise, I want a decision now.

Okay, um, all right.

Uh, here we go.

Um, there's something
I have to tell you.

I-I... You need to go to therapy.

Therapy? I...

I thought we were doing great.

No, I-I... Think about it.
It... It makes sense.

I mean, we have issues.
We're on again, off again.

You need professional help.

Okay. I'll do whatever it
takes for us to be together.

- Great.
- Well, you have to go, too.

I'd rather not.

If you don't go, I don't go,

and we tell the kids
everything right now.

Okay, fine. I-I'll go.

Okay.

I feel really good about this.

Heck, yeah, you do.

So... when you and David finish therapy

and he moves in with you and Ben...

are you and the rest of the Mormons

gonna raise a barn in the backyard?

You know what?

I may have been forced into this,

but it's probably the only way I'll know

if David and I have a
chance of making this work.

Yeah, here's the other
thing that's gonna happen.

Um, after about three sessions,
that therapist is gonna know

that you're lying your ass
off, and what you're doing

is gonna be totally exposed to David.

Huh.

Well, that's not good.

Well, maybe it'll at least
just buy me enough time

to figure out which man
I'm gonna love forever

and which man is never
gonna trust women again

and probably die alone.

[LAUGHING] Are you saying
that if you pick David,

Ben will die alone?

Because I'm here to tell you
that there are a lot of women

who would shamelessly throw
themselves at a guy like that.

Just stop. It's not funny anymore.

It's just creepy.

♪ ♪

You know what they say...

a watched preemie never grows.

I let her down.

She's getting the nutrition she needs.

That's all that matters.

I finally got colostrum,
and I dropped it.

She's not nursing, so we're not bonding.

She probably won't even call me "Mom."

She'll just be like, "Hey,
Becky, hand me that rattle."

She's never gonna love me.

What?

You think your baby
isn't gonna love you?

Hey.

Do you know all the awful
things we did to you as a baby?

Well, I remember you having Darlene.

That was pretty bad.

Once we left you on a bus,

and you went all the way to Navy Pier.

We used a stroller we found in an alley,

and it folded up on you.

And we laughed because we were high.

The point is, you still
love us, don't you?

Well, I'm gonna need a
little help with the baby,

so I'll say yes.

Thanks, Dad.

Mm, so stop worrying.

You're gonna fall short. Everybody does.

And so what you had a preemie?

Did you really want a super
healthy, strong kid?

Puny, little kids are so
much easier to keep up with.

And you're gonna need that
advantage 'cause you're old.

I am old.

We can play "Sleeping
Beauty." You be Aurora.

I'll be Maleficent. I'll start.

You jump in when you feel it.

[AS MALEFICENT] No,
you will not be woken

until you've been kissed
by a handsome prince.

[CACKLING]

Hey, Jackie.

- [NORMAL VOICE] Uh, oh, hi, Ben.
- Hey.

- You startled me. [LAUGHS]
- Oh, I'm so sorry.

I just came to see the baby.

I didn't mean to interrupt
your performance.

- Oh, no, I was just amusing the baby.
- Oh. [CHUCKLES]

You mind if I sit with you?

Well, no law against sitting.

[CHUCKLES]

[GRUNTS]

You know, if somebody
walked in right now,

they'd think we were just two
parents looking at our baby.

[BOTH LAUGH]

She does have your eyes.

No, it's not right. I can't do it.