02x04 - Lanford... Lanford

[bunniefuu]

Is this "Bachelor," "Bachelorette,"

or "Bachelor in Paradise"?

I have no idea what I'm watching.

Who cares?

It's five good-looking people
in a hot tub

with no clothes and no morals
looking for true love.

Why do none of these people
look tortured?

I only have David and Ben,

and I literally
can't eat solids anymore.

I'm crumbling up Tums into baby food.

In my day, people had
a little more dignity.

They did this kind of thing in mud.

Going out. Don't wait up.

Harris, stop.

Where are you going at : at night?

Odessa and I are going to see
"Rocky Horror."

Oh. Hi.

We've never met before.

Nice to meet you. I'm Darlene.

Harris has told us
absolutely nothing about you.

Odessa... Capricorn, vegan.

Favorite author... me.
My stuff's pretty good.

Favorite things include

walking in the rain and hairless cats.

Nice to meet you, Odessa.

I'm Harris's grandpa,
and you reek of pot.

I smoke weed for my anxiety.

My doctor thought it'd be better

than getting hooked on benzos.

Okay.

Harris, I better not smell
anxiety on you later tonight.

[Horn honks]

That's our Uber. We got to go.

Hang on a second.

Hey, tell that guy

to stop honking in this neighborhood.

It's low-rent,
and it wakes up my chickens.

Now I gotta go sing to 'em.

I used to go to "Rocky Horror"
when I was your age,

and my friends would hide
their skimpy costumes

under their regular clothes

so their parents wouldn't hassle them.

- I gotta go.
- Hold on.

You don't trust me?

Nope.

Go change.

Should I call Dad
and get his permission?

There's something I've been
meaning to tell him anyway.

Um... okay, you know what?

You can wear that in the theater,

but you have to stay covered up
when you're outside.

Deal. Later.

Aww.

- [Sighs heavily]
- I've gotta say,

you caved on that pretty quick.

Well, she is .
And she's blackmailing me.

She knows about Ben and David.

Holy cats! How'd she take it?

What are you asking?
She's blackmailing me.

She said that
if I don't make a decision soon

that she's gonna tell David
and blow the whole thing up.

Oh, man.

There was a similar situation

on "Bachelor in Paradise" last week,

but they were able to solve it
with a lesbian kiss, so...

No, I... That doesn't help you.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

"The Conners" is filmed

in front of a live studio audience.

Okay, Mark gets his favorite,
Orange Crush...

because it's a special day,

and everybody else gets...
Mmm! expired cola.

So, Mark, what's this special day?

You know you can't come out
more than once

just to get treats.

No, he was the student winner
of Lanford's New Motto contest.

- Oh!
- Congratulations, son.

Let's hear the motto.

"Lanford: Free, Proud,
and Getting Cleaner."

I don't think anyone else

was taking the contest
all that seriously.

Yeah.

I heard second place was "Lanford...

Lanford."

I think it was really brave of Mark

to just enter the contest
and take a chance.

You know, failure
is our greatest teacher.

But I didn't fail. I won.

I don't even believe you.

I think you made the whole thing up.

No. I've got a pin from the mayor.

I'll show you.

Hmm. He's gonna be a while.

Mark... gullible, naive,
and getting dumber.

In therapy, we would consider

where that might be coming from.

You know, facing the truth
about your life

and total emotional honesty
and self-reflection

is the key to everything.

Darlene, you might be
learning that, too,

if you bothered to come to the sessions,
like you promised.

I'm just slammed at work.
I'm gonna get there.

David and I are just trying to work on

- our relationship as co-parents.
- Mm.

Well, we can't really work on
anything if you're not there.

I-I'm evolving every session.

And I'm really proud of myself
for doing the work.

Just having you here

makes me feel like I'm doing the work.

Now, see?

Comments like that used to bother me,

but now I understand that
they come from a place of...

of fear and hurt.

Would you like
to discuss those feelings?

This is the dinner table, David.

We don't discuss feelings here.

We push them down

to make room for food and beer,

which is where we find love.

Gee, Mom, are you sure
you're not dodging therapy?

You might have one or two things

it couldn't hurt to discuss, right?

She should only have one,
but she has two.

♪♪

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Thank you.

To Casita Bonita,
under the new management

of Louise Goldufski.

[Hushed voice] Yeah!

Ahh.

You know, I never asked
how you landed this job.

Well, the owner thinks a woman

won't sexually harass the staff.

I'm gonna show him

that a woman can do
anything a man can do.

[English accent] Hello, the daughter.

Hello, the father.

Hello, the friend.

Yeah, uh, I'm not doing this.

Hey, Louise, you got a minute?

Yeah. What's up?

Here's the story.

I'm a broke, single mother
living in my parents' basement,

and the baby's father
was deported to Mexico.

Now, I know what you're thinking...

"How do I get what Becky has?"

No.

I'm thinking you're gonna
hit me up for something.

Okay. I need more money,

and I want the bartend job.

Ah. Let me think about it.

Uh, I guess I shouldn't,

'cause your dad's going like this.

What's your problem?

Why can't I be a bartender?

Right now, I'm more concerned

as to why Louise can't hold up

under the least bit of pressure.

Wait. Are you still worried
about my drinking?

Yes, I am concerned.

You're under a lot of stress
right now with the baby,

and it'd be easy for you to slip up

if you're pouring drinks all day.

In case you haven't noticed,

I haven't had one drink

since the moment
I found out I was pregnant.

I know, and it's great, but
you're not pregnant anymore.

I know what I can handle.

And this is none of your business.

This is between me and Louise.

You know what's more stressful
than having a baby?

Not having enough money to raise one.

Sorry I mixed you up in all of this.

Ah, it's okay.

There's times I regretted
not having children,

but you really fixed that for me.

♪♪

[Car door opens]

- You okay?
- [Car door closes]

Yes. Ah, thank God you came.

As soon as I got the flat,

I started texting people for help,

but the signal's so weak here,

I didn't know if my texts
were going through.

Sorry. I would have gotten here sooner,

but the traffic's really bad.

Oh, no, it's okay.

Let's just go to the gas station,

- and we'll get some help.
- [Car door closes]

Yeah, let's go.

Hey.

Oh, hell.

You okay?

She's fine. Just a flat tire.

Who are you?

Well, I was just about
to ask you the same thing.

Uh, David, this is Ben.

Ben, this is David.

Oh, come on, man.
So nice to finally meet you.

I got the jack, Darlene.
We can just change it right here.

Oh, perfect.
So, I don't need the gas station.

Could you go to my place
and check on the kids?

I really appreciate you coming.

- Bye.
- No, no, no, no, no.

Wait. Wait. Wait.

You called him to fix the tire,
but I'm just the ride?

You don't think I can fix a tire?

Oh, no, o-of course you can.
Of course you can.

You're... You're strong and
you're smart and you're a man.

You're a strong, smart man,
and you can do anything.

You don't need to prove it to me.

Now, you just go watch the kids,
and we're good.

Hey, you know what?

The most important thing here

is getting Darlene
back on the road, right?

But, again, nice meet you.

Hey, a-a-are you standing here

telling me how I'm not needed?

- Did you just try to blow me off?
- [Both chuckle]

You know what? I think we can all agree

that chitchat is the enemy
of productivity.

Damn right. Let's not talk.

Let me fix this bad boy.

Sorry, uh,

if I came off a little harsh there.

I think it's very cool that
you came out to help Darlene.

You... You ever change one of these?

Yeah.

Um, you know, a-a drunk

could swerve over here any minute

and k*ll all of us, if we're lucky.

Let's... Let's get this done.

No, I got this.

Just... Just...
Just don't get in my way.

- What are you doing?
- What? I'm just...

I'm checking some work e-mails.

WOMAN: How to change a tire?

Step one...

That's weird. I wonder who sent me that.

DAN: Hey.

- [Door closes]
- Got your text.

I understand why Ben's here,

but what's David gonna do with a tire...

validate its feelings?

Hey, Darlene, got your text.

Looks like you got a big problem there.

And a flat tire. Good luck! [Laughs]

DARLENE: Hey, Jackie.

Oh! Oh!

I never got as high
as the forehead before.

Oh, and look at me,

not laughing maniacally
at your pain as I drive away.

So, did they figure it out?

Did Ben kick David's ass?

Did David cry?

Did Ben look hot when he did it?

Why are you so fixated
on my messed-up life?

Because if I don't fixate on your life,

I have to fixate on mine,

and that is a long, dark tunnel
where the screams echo

so it sounds like
there's more people than me,

but it's just me.

All right, we'll stay on my life.

That was way too close tonight.

I have to figure this out,
like, right now.

Maybe I can help. Take out your phone.

[Clears throat]

Look at the text you wrote

when you realized you were stranded.

Read the one that you sent to Ben.

Okay.

Um, "Hey, I just got a flat tire.

I'm on the access road
by the -mile marker on I- .

I've had such a crappy day.
Harris is making me crazy.

I need to spend more time with Mark.

I'm just so tired.

I wish we were together right now

and I could put my head
on your chest and fall asleep."

Okay.

[Clears throat]
Read what you wrote David.

[Sighs]

"Flat tire. Access road. Mile marker .

Need ride to gas station."

They're roughly the same.
What's your point?

Stop kidding yourself.

You know what you have to do.

[Sighs] I know.

I hate this.

I've been so scared
to stop trying with David,

but I have to.

Yes! Team Ben!

But I don't wanna hurt David.

I mean, I just don't know...

How am I gonna break up with him?

How about you do it in therapy?

And that way, he has someone there

to help him make sense of it.

That is a great idea.

They can pick up the pieces
while I slip out the back.

♪♪

- Hey. [Chuckles]
- Hey.

- Thank you so much for coming.
- Oh, sure.

[Sniffs]

Never been to a therapist before.

You don't lock that door, do you?

[Laughs]

I told you she's always had
a great sense of humor.

I-I know this is new
and kind of scary to you,

but like you taught me,

humor can get you through
difficult moments.

Hold on to that thought.

Just to elaborate on what David said,

some strong feelings
could come up today,

but this is a safe place
to let them out.

Oh, yeah.

Um, sometimes strong emotions

are necessary to move forward.

David has made
an incredible amount of progress

in a short amount of time,

and he has a lot he wants to say to you.

Oh, um, okay?

Um, I just...

If it's okay with you,
I'd like to go first.

And I wanna hear everything
you have to say,

but first...

I'm breaking up with you.

What?

I know this is difficult for you

because it's not what
you expected to happen here.

Yeah, you got that right.

Darlene, by controlling
the relationship,

you've... you've always
kept me at arm's length.

I-I-I think I've known that
for a long time.

But until I came here,

I-I was too weak to ask
for what I needed.

You know, I-I needed partnership.

I needed...

true intimacy.

I needed to be heard.

I heard you.

I don't think you've heard me
since I was .

Um, okay.

I'm sorry I couldn't make it work.

I'm still gonna be a great father,

and I will always love you,

but I'm ready to move on.

Okay.

We've broken up so many times before.

How come this feels different?

'Cause this is the last time.

And there's a stranger watching us.

- [Clears throat]
- You okay?

Yeah. I kinda wish I had
gotten to talk first, but...

No, it wouldn't have made
any difference.

We still would have ended up here.

Yeah, I-I can't argue with you there.

[Inhales deeply]

Uh, you know, there's still time
left in the session.

I think it'd be really good for you

to sit here with Gaby

and let her help you
make sense of it all.

[Smooches]

[Door closes]

Do you want to tell me
what you're feeling?

So, you want to do something tonight?

Uh, we're spending the day together.
That's enough.

How about this weekend?

I-I don't know.
I'll let you know tomorrow.

[Air horn blows]

Darlene, we have to talk.

Ever since we started going out,

it's like you have all the power
in this relationship

and I have nothing.

Yeah.

Okay.

LOUISE: Little Bev
is gonna love this stuff.

Oh, I remember this. The kids loved it.

It's how they learned
their animal noises.

What does the cow say?

[Distorted mooing]

I know what the zombie cow says.

And let's see what the birdie says.

[Distorted mooing]

I'll be right back.
Keep an eye on little Bev.

Hold on. Where you going?

Oh, you mean this?

I realized I don't need
the bartender job

to make more money.

I'm recycling these beer cans.

Where'd you get so many?

From the garage.

There were a couple cases in the fridge.

You poured out my beer?!

Hey, if I can't be trusted
around alcohol at work,

I certainly can't be
trusted around it at home.

I mean, that's what you were
worried about, right?

Can you give us a minute?

Yeah. I got to go to work anyway.

And we can get you more beer.

- [Grunts]
- You're gonna be okay.

[Grunts]

So, was pouring out all my beer

supposed to make me change my mind?

I'm just showing you
that alcohol is everywhere.

If I want to drink, I can drink.

And nothing makes you want to drink more

than dealing with kids, like right now.

But unfortunately, I got no beer!

I'm a grown woman, Dad.

You have no right
to interfere in my life.

Everybody wants me out of their life

until they have to move
back into my house,

which I thank God I have to give you.

But this family...

we're not blessed with the best of luck.

And I'm running out of nets to save you.

Dad, it's okay that
you're not gonna be able

to save us every time.

I know that you're anxious
that I'm gonna drink.

Guess what. So am I.

That's not making me feel better.

Let me finish.

I'm working hard to stay sober.

But I have to live with the uncertainty,

and because you love me,

you have to live with it, too.

See, if I'm worried about it,

then I have to try to fix it.

It's the one thing I know how to do.

Well, you know what?

Get retrained for another job.

Maybe you could be a bartender.

Although, with the way you drink,

I don't think it's a good idea.

♪♪

- Hey.
- Hey.

So, I need to talk to you.

Sometimes you do something stupid

and it seems like the right thing

when you're doing it.

And some things are just stupid

and they stay stupid
all the way through.

Uh-huh.

I've been seeing David
for the last month,

and I feel horrible.

But it's over, and I'm so sorry.

And it took me a minute
to come to my senses.

But, Ben, I know what we have,

and I love you.

Let me just finish this.

"And that's why

I'm breaking up with you."

Wait. What?

I've known about David
since the flat tire.

How?

When David was there and I showed up,

you had the same expression as this guy

caught with pounds of cocaine
in his ass.

You lied to me.

I asked you and the kids
to move in with me,

and you said you couldn't

because of what your father
had been through.

Now I find out it's 'cause of David?

Please.

There's got to be something
I can do to make this right.

Mnh. I'm sorry. I'm done.

Wait. So, are you f*ring me?

Look, you can relax, all right?

Unfortunately, I need you,

which is a real miscalculation
on my part.

So, we are going to
work together, awkwardly,

for eight hours a day, five days a week,

because we're professionals.

I'm gonna go get a coffee. You want one?

Sure. That'd be nice.

Write down what you want

and then carry that with you

in case you're ever at a place
that sells coffee.

[Door closes]

[Distorted mooing]

[Both laugh]

- Oh, my God.
- [Chuckles]

We've been doing the cow
for like minutes.

Wait. No. It's only been minutes.

Harris, are you crazy?

In case you haven't noticed,

we've got addiction problems
in our family.

And you... who does your ink?

It's fabulous.

I know she was talking,

but all I heard was, "Mooooo!"

[Laughs]