02x10 - Throwing a Christian to a Bear

[bunniefuu]

Dinner's ready!

Last one in washes the dishes!

Looks like it's Mark!

Okay, okay, before we
eat, tomorrow's Sunday,

and I want everybody
dressed appropriately

so we can pay our respects

to the one thing that helps
us make sense of this world

and gives us the strength to
make it through another week.

- Amen.
- Amen.

We're going to church?

Come on! Harris! On a Sunday?

We're watching the Bears-Packers game!

But it is like church,
because when the Bears

are collapsing at the end of the game,

we ask the Almighty for
a swift and merciful end.

And win or lose,
we stick with the Bears.

Total commitment.

Because if you're not a true... fan...

Oh, man! My Patriots receiver
is out for tomorrow.

That could cost me.

Are you gambling?

Yep. Fantasy football.

Taking money from a bunch of suckers.

Oh, so it's like a megachurch.

No fantasy football tomorrow, Jackie.

We're only rooting for the Bears.

No distractions.

Hey, can we eat already?

I only came over here to
steal food and do laundry.

I don't need all this jibber-jabber.

Eh, eh, eh, eh!

That's not dinner. That's
for the game tomorrow.

The SpaghettiOs on the
stove... that's dinner.

Ugh.

These aren't even real SpaghettiOs.

They're... Pisghetti Joe's.

Come on, Mark, help me get
this food out to the garage.

I hate football.

Do I really have to come tomorrow?

It's important.

I'm even bringing this
guy I've been seeing.

Ohhhh! So, you checked the traps lately,

and you caught one.

Hey, hey. Not cool.

Does his wife know he's coming over?

This is why you haven't met Wyatt yet.

- Wyatt!
- Ohhh!

- Wyatt!
- Well!

Wait, wait. What about Emilio?

We've been talking about it.

He doesn't think he can
get back in the country,

so we both decided
we should start dating.

So, where'd you meet this guy?

We went out once back
when I was drinking.

I threw up in the clown's
mouth at Putt-Putt.

But Wyatt was so sweet.

I got a text the next morning
that said, "Had a fun time.

You're a blackout drunk. Get help."

Aww.

I bumped into him about a
month ago with Beverly Rose.

He saw that I'm sober
and even hotter now,

and we've been dating ever since.

Ohh! Good for you.

Okay, what's wrong with him?

Nothing.

He treat me great,
he loves Beverly Rose,

his mom and I DM on
Instagram all the time,

and when the check
comes, he doesn't run.

Darlene... he tips.

He tips?

He must be a millionaire.

No. He's manager of
Miracle Ear at the mall.

So he's a really good listener.

Uh, hold it.

I know the problem.

The sex is terrible, right?

We haven't done it.

He knows I'm not ready yet

because sober sex is
gonna be a whole thing.

You gotta look at each other in the eye.

You gotta worry about their feelings.

I don't have the bandwidth
for that. It's terrifying.

Don't worry. The sex will happen.

It wasn't the alcohol that made
you loose and indiscriminate.

That's all you.

Thanks. That's what I thought, too.

"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Good morning, sunshine.

Come on.

- It's time to get up.
- Oh, 20 more minutes.

You moved back to Lanford
so we could start this paper.

You've been in bed for a week.

It's nice in here.

Come snuggle.

Ew!

You need a shower.

- I don't wanna!
- Why not?

Because I am planning
on taking a shower,

but once I'm done, I have
nothing else planned.

I'm not ready to face an
uncertain post-shower life.

No. It's not uncertain.

Guess what... I got a loan
broker to meet us this afternoon

to get funding for our new magazine.

No. Today doesn't work for me.

It's my shower day.

Look, I know you've been in
a funk since we got fired,

but we don't have any money coming in.

I'm broke.

You've seen my underwear. It's not lace.

It's just got that many holes in it.

I just don't think I can get out of bed.

I can help.

- Get out of bed!
- Aah!

Hey, hey!

Now that leg's too long.
Do the other one.

If we have to watch this game,
can't we at least get a new TV?

There are so many dead pixels.

It's like we're watching
through a chainlink fence.

Yes, run, you bastard!

Jackie, I told you. No fantasy football.

- Lose the earbuds.
- Okay!

She's got wired ones in her back pocket.

Oh, for God's sake!

How?! How can you drop that?!

Come on! They pay you
to catch the football!

Are you seeing this, Mark?

I'm sorry, what?

I was looking at a bird outside.

A bird?

This is the Bears-Packers game!

You gotta focus.

Okay, I have something
to tell you, Grandpa,

- and I hope you'll still love me afterward.
- Yeah.

I don't care about football.

Give me a minute, pal.

I do still love you, but
everything's different now.

I understand this gay thing,
but this is a choice.

I've been pretending to like it,

but I just don't get why
this is so important.

Because when you're a Conner,

you're not just part of this family,

you're part of the Bears family.

It's... It's about tradition.

I learned the game from my grandpa,

and the first time he took me
to watch Gale Sayers play...

one of the best days of my life.

And he bought me a hat.

And now I'm giving it to you.

I would've liked that hat.

Thanks, Grandpa.

Look at you!

Now say, "Let's go, D!"

Let's go, D!

Now look extremely disappointed.

Now you're a Bears fan.

Next thing you need to know...

we hate the Packers.

Why?

Because the Midwest ain't
big enough for both of us.

- But it's pretty big, Grandpa...
- Just hate, would ya?

That's probably Wyatt.

Everybody, please go easy on him.

You didn't tell me you
were a Packers fan!

Well, I'm not rabid about it.

I just thought the
cheesehead would be funny,

like I'm one of those nuts
who puts on all the gear.

It is funny.

Let's put it in the car.

Aw, come on. I'm not gonna
offend anybody with this.

I wear it all the time when
I hang out with Bears fans.

Those aren't Bears fans.

These are Bears fans.

H-Hey, everybody.

This is Wyatt.

Run, man. Run.

Excuse me?

Oh, no, sorry.
I'm watching another game.

Fantasy football.

I am so sorry.

I didn't realize how seriously
you guys took your football.

It's okay. We were just
surprised to see those colors.

Hey, Wyatt brought some things in a bag.

What you got in there, Wyatt?

Oh.

Just some treats I thought
everyone might enjoy.

This is a special trail
mix I make myself.

I throw in dried mango.

I know. Crazy, right?

Adds a zing, and it's
just instant energy.

Congratulations, son.

Two things that have never
been in this house...

a Packers fan...

and mango.

What else you got in there?

Well, I also brought some
beer. O'Doul's for Becky.

Isn't that thoughtful?

And regular beer for everyone else.

Cool. Dad, you like beer.

Wow. I do. It's like
we're the same person.

I'm... I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

This is just Packer-phobia.

We should give you the
benefit of the doubt.

- Thank you for the beer.
- Yeah.

Uh, it's a small batch organic IPA.

I'll have an IPA. You know what
that stands for, don't you?

Uh, India Pale Ale.

I was gonna say "I Pee
A-lot when I drink beer."

Here's a little factoid.

I know Chicago loves its Bears,
but did you know the Packers

are actually owned by
the people of Wisconsin?

That's not football, son.
That's Communism.

Take the football!

What a great hit! Oh, yeah!

He's done having kids!

Oh.

Wow.

Maybe I'm mistaken,
but it sure seems like

you guys are celebrating
because a player got hurt.

It certainly looks that way.

Shame!

Oh, Wyatt, if that was a
Bear limping off the field,

you'd be celebrating.

I wouldn't.

Because, as a Christian,
I don't wish harm to anyone.

The Crusades... that
was you guys, right?

Oh!

You want a little cream
for that burn, Wyatt?

Mark, watch this replay.

Now, see how we used play action
to freeze that linebacker?

- Does that always work?
- Sure,

because Packers are
inherently dumber than Bears.

Aunt Jackie!

That's okay. I can take it.

Oh, I'm surprised you understood it.

Yes!

We win!

Great game!

It's only the first quarter,
but good energy! Yeah!

- Oh!
- Eat it, Cheesehead!

Hey!

Wyatt is a guest.

I understand the jealousy.

The Bears have won one Super Bowl,

the Packers have won four.

The trophy is called
the Lombardi Trophy,

which, did I mention,
we've won four times?

Ah, you got me there, Wyatt.

Did I mention that
you're an udder-sucking,

Rodgers-loving, cow-tipping...

dairy-dork loser?!

Mary called it!

Again, thanks for coming in on a Sunday.

I'm sure Ben'll find a parking
spot and be in here any minute.

I know we all want to get home

and watch the Bears
game with our families.

I always watch with my
family. It's a tradition.

But... this is fun, too.

Sorry.

I put $2 in the meter, and
then I realized it's Sunday.

Everything I touch turns to crap.

As you can see, we've expanded
on the Lock 'Em Up model.

We have a new section

that exposes local companies
who are doing sketchy stuff.

That sounds interesting.

I bought an accordion once
that came apart in my hands.

You give us a name, we'll go get 'em.

Uh, right.

We're gonna get 'em.

We're gonna go after all
the accordion guys.

I do have one question.

The magazine business as a whole
seems like it's on the decline.

Are you ready to buck that trend?

Sure.

Sounds pretty hard, though, doesn't it?

What...

What Ben is trying to say

is that we have a very
well-planned business strategy.

She's right.

We got a completely, um...

what do you call it? Um...

She's right.

A lot of people come in
here over-rehearsed.

Good for you guys.

So, Ben, tell me more about your
departure from Lock 'Em Up.

You know what... I'm gonna
jump in and answer that,

because otherwise, he will. Um...

I better... just go.

I'm not helping here.

I'll walk home.

You know, I thought
everything would change

once I took the shower,

but... it didn't.

Chicken salad, potato
salad, macaroni salad.

When your family thinks of salad,

it's not so much greens
as it is mayonnaise.

How you holding up?

I'm okay.

Your family's just
having some fun with me.

I don't see the reason

why they had to drag
my mother into this.

I'm sorry. That was over the line.

For the record, I don't
think she's a wild jackal

that squatted out a
Packers fan in the woods.

Oh, for crying out loud!

We got a quarterback who
trips over his own feet!

How come our runner always goes straight

for the big pile of people
instead of the open part?

'Cause then we'd be a winning team,

and that's not our way.

Yes! Yes!

Jackie, I told you

I didn't want that fantasy
football stuff in here.

I'm up $187.

Here! It's five bucks.

Go buy yourself some "get off my ass."

Oh! He lost two yards!

He's the worst person in
the history of the world!

Hey, buddy, it's just a game.

Save that anger for something important.

The boy's just rooting for his team.

Sure. And I love football, too,

but at the end of the day,
it's just entertainment,

like a game show or magic or something.

Ooooooooh...

Magic?

Did you say magic?

You think a football
game is like some bozo

pouring milk into a top hat?

Football's kind of like magic.

It's like faking a hand-off.

Who's got the ball? Does
that guy have the ball?

No, it's that guy.

20-yard play. Whoa! It's magic.

Come on, Mr. Conner, you got to admit

that some people do take
football too seriously.

They sit on their couch
rather than hike or bike.

If they put as much energy
into their real lives

as they do into these games,
they'd accomplish a lot more.

Are you talking about me, Wyatt?

I didn't mean to offend you.

Well, you did.

Football is a big thing in this family.

Our team's struggles are our struggles,

and their successes are our successes.

Because sometimes we need a
win to get through the week.

And who the hell are you
to pass judgment on that?

Let's go, Wyatt.

Wow. That was fast.

I'm down like a hundred bucks.

I'm gonna need that five back.

Sorry about my family.

I wish you met them under
better circumstances,

like when they're asleep.

Yeah. Boy.

I gotta tell you,

I give you a lot more
credit for staying sober.

Thanks.

Why is that?

That's a challenging environment.

My family's not the reason I drank.

Couldn't have helped.

There's a lot of anger there.

I mean, I get why y'all need
to escape into the game...

and beer...

and mayonnaise.

That's not an escape.

We love football.

We love beer... some of us too much.

And you'd have to pry the mayonnaise

from our cold, slippery hands.

Look, I'm not trying to upset you.

I just think you and
little Bev deserve better.

Better than what?

All the support in the world
doesn't mean anything

if you're constantly
around toxic people.

Are you calling my family toxic?

What the hell do you know about them?

You were with them for an hour.

I'm glad I'm seeing
this side of you now.

You are a judgmental,
holier-than-thou jerk!

And you're boring!

You're like trail mix without the mango.

No zing at all.

This isn't even a good fight!

Get out!

This is my car!

I don't care! Get out!

F-Fine.

But don't mess with my pre-sets.

I am so sorry.

I had a lot of time to
think on the way here,

and I figured it out.

I'm afraid to fail.

You know, the last time I did this...

if I screwed up, I only wrecked my life.

Now, I'd take down you
and your kids with me.

What? You think failure's
new to my kids?

We eat failure for breakfast.

And we'd have it again for lunch,

but we failed to plan,
so we don't have any.

So, you're gonna tell me

you don't have any problems
taking this giant risk?

You've already built a
successful mug sh*t magazine.

Why can't you just do it again?

Because it's not that easy.

It was brutally hard the first time,

and it took a hell of a lot of luck.

Do you know who was on the cover

of the first issue of Lock 'Em Up?

The Lanford Cannibal.

This guy ate his own
foot on a public bus.

Now, what are the odds
of that happening again?

I'm not gonna kid you, Ben.
They're not good.

So, here is what we're gonna do.

I am gonna use you
for your credit rating,

and you are going to get out of my way.

Well, that seems harsh.

So, I taught you everything I know,

and you're just gonna
use me to get the money

and then make all the decisions?

Yeah. You're finally getting it.

And what are you gonna do
about it? Take another shower?

N-No. I'm gonna...

O... kay.

I see what you're doing.
You're baiting me.

No, I'm just pointing out
that you're a shell of a man.

So I will build this thing, and
you'll greet me at the door,

looking pretty with a
martini in your hand.

What do you say about that?

Alright, yeah.
I'll play your little game.

I'll let you do all the work,

and I'll stay in bed and
collect half the profits.

Oh. Okay, now you're baiting me.

The baiter has become the baitee.

I think this conversation
has turned stupid.

Now, for the record, I won't
be bringing you any martinis

until you move up to a whole
better class of underwear.

Well, I'm alone again.

Aw, that's too bad.

I was looking forward to backing
over Wyatt with my truck.

I really wanted him to be the one.

I don't get it.

Why that guy?

Because I thought he was
steady and dependable.

Beverly Rose needs somebody like that.

Let the baby get her own guy.

You're not ready yet.

What do you mean?

I'm 44 years old, and I'm
still picking the wrong guys.

My picker's broken.

Look, you've been sober for a minute.

This is the first guy you've dated.

How are you supposed
to know what you want

when you don't even know who you are?

I'm just gonna find

the first decent,
weak-minded guy with a job

and force him to love me.

Look, you just have to
be patient. It'll happen.

And when it happens,
grab on tight to that person

and never let them go.

Thanks, Dad.

Ugggh. I can't believe
I kissed a Cheesehead.

Hey, hey, hey! Keep that to yourself.

I gotta live in this neighborhood.

What's going on?

- The Bears came back!
- We're within two.

We got a chip-sh*t field goal to win it.

We prayed for this!

I put a buck in the collection basket.

You muff this kick, and I swear to God

I will k*ll everything you love.

I don't know why I care so
much that he makes this.

It's like Stockholm Syndrome.

I've taken on the values of my captors.

And it is good!

I had the Bears' kicker!