02x11 - Mud Turtles, A Good Steak and One Man in a Tub

[bunniefuu]

- Hello?
- Jackie?

- Yeah?
- Dawn from Cook County Meat and Fish.

Hi. Oh, thank you for coming.

You look exactly like I pictured you

from all of our phone calls.

You are, too. But weirdly,
you sound different.

Oh, I love this space!

You know, a lot of new
restaurants try too hard.

Yeah, not us. We know what
it takes to get the job done,

and we do just a little bit less.

You're hilarious, you know that?

No, I'm not. Am I?

Yeah, heck yeah.

Okay, so, I got your menu.

I will put together a preliminary order.

That way, you can price me

against other suppliers
you're considering.

I mean, thieves.

No, I'm kidding.

I mean suppliers.

Who steal.

Sorry I'm late.

D.J. came over to watch the baby,

and she hit him in the
eye with a rattle.

He cried, she cried, and then I cried

'cause I don't have better child care.

Becky, this is Dawn from
Cook County Meat and Fish.

She thinks I'm hilarious.

Such a pleasure, Becky.

I have to tell you, I think comfort food

in this location is
gonna be a big winner.

The only thing you're missing is
a signature, big-ticket item.

Steak.

You need to offer a good steak.

We can't afford a good steak.

And I'm not just talking
about the customers.

I'm talking about the people
that own the restaurant.

Becky, Dawn has a fantastic background.

She was a buyer for a
big restaurant chain.

I started this company
after the managing partner

at the old place groped
me in the stock room.

Can you believe that?

- Same thing.
- Happened to me.

- The stock room.
- In the stock room.

Yep, and look at us now.

Well, I'm looking at you in those boots,

and I got to tell you, I love those.

Oh, well, they'd look good
on your cute, little figure.

Oh, no, I could never
pull off boots like that.

Oh, you wouldn't have to.

Your boyfriend would
be pulling them off.

And he wouldn't stop there!

Oh, yeah, you better quit it right now!

I mean, I...

I don't even have a boyfriend.

Oh. Neither do I.

But so what?

Here's to being our own soul mates.

- Amen!
- Amen.

Yes, we love ourselves,
and men don't want us.

Can we get back to the food?

Let's talk prices.

Okay. Well, this has been fun.

I will make a list of
what I think you need,

and I will send you
an itemized estimate.

Au revoir.

That's French for "goodbye."

I know.

Everybody knows.

And before you fall in love with her,

we should discuss whether
we can afford her.

I love her. I'm not in love with her.

Oh, my God! What happened?

He tweaked his back
nailing the floorboard.

I'm fine. I just got to
soak it and then lay down.

No, you need to see a doctor.

I'm gonna take you to urgent care.

It's just a twinge. I'm fine.

Ow!

♪ I feel good ♪

♪ I knew that I would ♪

Whoa!

♪ I feel nice ♪

♪ Like sugar and spice ♪

Ohh, Dan.

"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Can I help you with something?

If I need help, I'll ask for it.

See?

Easy peasy.

Huh.

Harris got a letter from
Central Illinois State.

The college or the penitentiary?

"Congratulations. You're a Mud Turtle."

Oh, my God, she got in!

That's great!

Finally, someone from this
family made it to college.

Hey, I went to college.

You went to art school.

That's basically Color
Me Mine with a library.

How much is this college gonna cost you?

I don't know, but now
that I'm a divorced,

unemployed single mom,

we might actually have a
sh*t at some financial aid.

My plan to destroy my life is working.

I told you to stick with it.

You know what... Harris asked me

to bring some clothes over to Odessa's.

I'm gonna take them over there
right now and show this to her.

Ah, she's finally gonna let
you into the dope den.

Ah, at least now I got a sh*t
at getting her out of there

and into a dorm room!

No dr*gs there.

Hello, Odessa.

Harris is expecting me.

Before the other side you see,

answer me these questions three.

Uh, somebody just smoked a bowl

watching "Monty Python's Holy Grail."

Correct. You may pass.

Not what you expected, huh?

We do the human
sacrifices in my bedroom.

Hey, Mom.

Guess what.

You are a Mud Turtle.

I haven't put on makeup yet.

Give me a break.

No. You got into college.

Central Illinois State.

We've got a tour on Friday.

Yeah, I'm not going to that.

What? Why not?

I start working at Price
Warehouse next Monday.

They've got a program for employees

to get a business degree online.

Well, I-I don't want you
to go to school online.

It's a great deal, Mom.
It's only 350 bucks a year.

Yeah, but I want you to live in a dorm

and gain 15 pounds and get mono.

That's for rich kids.

We don't have the money for college.

Yeah, no, we already have an appointment

with the financial aid office.

They want to help us.

A-And see? They look
forward to meeting you.

Nobody ever looks
forward to meeting you.

They write that to everyone.

No, they don't. This is
written directly to you,

"Mr. Harris Conner."

And why do you want a
business degree, anyway?

You should study writing.

You remember when the Sun-Times printed

your "I Hate Lanford" article
and everybody was so angry?

That's the happiest I've ever seen you.

Yeah.

The Mayor called me an
embarrassment to the community.

Of course that made me feel good.

Okay.

I'll go on the tour. For you.

Mud Turtles!

A mud turtle is the worst mascot ever.

What's the cheer?

"Go, fight. Do something."

Mud Turtles! Whoo!

Whew!

Instead of an estimate, we got
a bill from your gal pal, Dawn,

which is weird, because I
don't remember hiring her.

She made a good case for
her company at lunch,

so I went for it.

So now decisions are being
made without me over lunch?

Well, we were hungry after
our Pinot and Painting class.

I'm learning so much about myself.

I always knew I could drink,
but I didn't know I could paint.

This is twice what we
agreed we could afford.

Look at what she's charging
us for vegetables.

They're all locally sourced.

I don't care if they're locally sourced.

I care if they're locally eaten.

And she went ahead and
put the steak on here.

Dawn showed me that
with an upgraded menu,

we can pull people as
far away as Chicago.

You're right.

You can't get a good steak in Chicago!

You got to drive an hour to a
roadside diner in a dying town

that bought their steak from Chicago.

I'm sorry that you don't
trust Dawn, but I do.

Jackie, okay, um...

I might be wrong, but
Dawn is a saleswoman.

Isn't it possible that she's
pretending to be your friend

to ratchet up the bill?

I'm afraid she might be
taking advantage of you.

Au contraire.

I'm taking advantage of her

by being her friend and
picking her brain.

"Au contraire"?

Now you're talking like her.

You've never said "au
contraire" in your life!

Au contraire! I said
it just a second ago!

Dawn likes me.

She invited me to the
Rockford Wine Festival.

Well, okay.

If she's really your friend,

maybe you should cut the order in half

and see if she still wants to go
to the wine festival with you.

Oh, she'll still want me to go.
It's a fait accompli.

Okay. Your counselor will be right in.

See you around campus, Harris.

Hm? He's cute.

Why would I date him when
there's professors here?

Hi. I'm Helen.

I'm here to help with
your financial aid.

- Hi.
- So, Harris,

what did you think of the campus?

It was cool.

I like that the student paper
investigates real stuff.

And it's far away enough from my house

that my mom can't visit on a whim.

Well, Harris, we thought
your admissions packet

was really special.

Your "I Hate Lanford" essay was spot-on.

My ex is from there.

Thanks. I'm glad you liked it.

Uh, along with showing
you that Harris is special,

our application should've also
shown you that we're super poor.

Like Dust Bowl poor.

That's why we put together a
comprehensive aid package

- to make this happen.
- Sweet.

Okay. Loan...

loan...

loan.

Um...

Where are all the grants
and scholarships...

you know, the free money?

Well, I'm sure you folks expected

that you'd be contributing something.

Uh, yeah, something,

but you have us paying
everything, and with interest.

- I mean, we can't afford this.
- According to this chart,

it'll take me 20 years
to pay back these loans.

20 years goes by faster than you think.

You can waste that on a man
everybody said was wrong for you,

but you knew better.

I'm confused.

I mean, the letter you sent
us promised to help us.

I want to.

Um, does Harris have a unique skill

that might qualify her
for a scholarship?

A female tuba player is a
college admissions home run.

Do you play the tuba?

- Yes.
- No.

This is a waste of time.
I shouldn't have come here.

No, Harris, wait. We're still talking.

I'm done.

I felt good about my plan,
and then I let you drag me here

and show me everything
that I can't have.

Thanks a lot.

You know what? This
whole thing is a scam.

You just bring people down
here, get their hopes up,

and then try to trick
them into crippling loans

they'll be paying back for
the rest of their lives.

You should be ashamed of yourself.

You know, I want my $100
application fee back.

I'm sorry. We... We can't do that.

Well, that check was never
gonna clear anyway. Good day.

Dan?

Yeah?

Uh, I heard you hurt your back,

so I came by to check on you.

Mark said you've been in there

for a couple hours. You okay?

I can't pull myself out of the tub.

You're gonna get sick if
you stay in there too long.

I'm coming in.

Aw, geez!

Uh... okay, give me a second
to cover up, would ya?

All right.

Oh, rainbow bubbles?

I didn't picture you as a
bath b*mb kind of guy.

I'm a very complex man.

I have a gay grandson who
gave me this for Christmas.

I thought the Epsom salts would help.

I didn't know the glitter and the color

would turn me into a merman.

Uh, your... your hair has shampoo in it.

Yeah, I-I was gonna rinse it
off with the hose attachment.

It fell in the tub.

Well, I could... reach in
there and root around.

Might change our relationship.

Oh, it's... it's just a little shampoo.

I'll get it.

Um, here.

Okay. Okay.

There.

See? That's not so bad, is it?

It's kind of nice.

Oh, soap in my eye.

- Soap in my eye!
- Oh. Here, I got it.

Okay.

Yeah.

Um...

All right.

Let's get you out of that tub.

Now, do you want to, uh,
have some more towels,

or should I just close my eyes?

More towels. You're gonna peek.

You can't help yourself.

Well, it looks like you two

had a good time at the wine festival.

I only had one glass.

I don't know why I threw
up in the Uber, but...

Dawn bought me this.

Ohh. I'll be right back.

Well, guess I was wrong.

She really is your friend.

She still took you to the festival

even though you cut the order.

Well...

You did cut the order?

- Eh... not exactly.
- Jackie!

Oh, I don't want to know, Becky.

Dawn's the only friend I've got.

That's not true.

Women don't like me, Becky!

I'm a woman, and I used to like you.

I'm 64, and I'm tired of being lonely.

She's the first friend
I've had in years,

and I don't want to lose her.

But isn't it better to find
out now if she's playing you,

before you get any more attached to her?

Or I never find out

and I live in a happy fantasy world

where I go from wine
festival to wine festival.

Look, I just don't want
to see you get lied to

in another relationship.

You deserve a real friend.

I know I do.

How about a glass of wine for courage?

But just one. I don't
want to get sloppy.

What are you doing out here?

Trying to freeze myself to death

so Harris can get some
hardship money for college.

You might want to take your shoes off.

It'll go faster.

The school wouldn't give us any money.

If I'd saved anything,

my daughter wouldn't be
giving up her dreams at 17.

Hi. Welcome to the Conner family.

Pbhhhht!

Dad, you should've seen her face

when she was walking around that campus.

I swear she was actually smiling.

I feel like I failed her.

Don't b*at yourself up.

It sounds like she's got a
few things figured out.

Hey, I'm sure it's a great school,

but she probably doesn't
want all that debt.

And a business degree,
that's not a bad idea.

I want more for her.

I know what you want.

But it's time to get on board
to the future she's building.

And if you're not careful,
you're gonna make her feel like

she's never accomplished
anything in your eyes.

Oh. You mean like art school?

You know where I'm gonna
be Monday morning?

At Harris' first day of
work, congratulating her.

And you should be, too.

Wait.

Is that glitter in your eyebrows?

I wish it was just in my eyebrows.

So, Dawn, um...

I'm just gonna say this.

I have to cut our food order.

I got a little carried away,

and I didn't discuss it with Becky.

Well, that's disappointing.

I know.

And even though it wasn't real,

I really enjoyed being your friend.

What are you talking about?
What wasn't real?

This. Us. I know you were
just being nice to me

so I'd buy more stuff, and I get it.

I'm not hilarious. I don't
have a cute figure.

I'm just a woman with a
roadside restaurant.

So, you think I was just
pretending to be your friend

so I could make a few bucks on an order?

That's ridiculous.

Look, you're cool, you're smart,

you're just damaged enough
to be entertaining.

And you set off all those car alarms

to shorten the line
at the wine festival.

When you want wine,
you are absolutely fearless.

Hey, they were running low on white Zin.

Somebody needed to take action.

I have a blast with you,

and it's hard for me to
make female friends.

I think they're intimidated by me.

- So same.
- Mm.

So, we're still going
to Cheyenne Pete's?

Oh, hell yeah!

We're drunk and fun. We're not
gonna waste that at home.

No way!

I'll be right back.

I cut the order, and she's my friend.

In your face!

That's great.

I'm happy for you.

We're going bull riding.

Hey, I'm off in an hour. Can I come?

Becky, back off!

It's like you reek of desperation.

You know, um, I'm not complaining,

but the smell of those pain patches

is a little overwhelming.

Oh.

I thought the mosquito
candle would cover it up.

More wine?

Sure.

When I can venture more than 10 feet

from an outlet next week,

I'll take you to a real restaurant.

Um, since you brought up next week,

there's something I want
to talk to you about.

sh**t.

There's a promoter

that offered my old band
a tour of the Midwest.

That's great!

How long?

Three months, at... at least.

Could be six.

Wow.

You know, the road is a blast and all,

but if you felt like you...
wanted me to stick around,

I could pass on it.

I wouldn't be comfortable

costing you that kind of an opportunity.

I'd be okay with it.

'Cause, you know, things are
going pretty well with us.

I think they are, too.

Dan, this may be my last
chance to go on the road.

But I'll give that up.

I think you need me.

So if you want me to stay...

tell me to stay.

Of course I want you to stay.

Okay.

So, does that mean you're
ready for a real relationship,

with everything that goes with it?

Got it.

I got to go.

Take care of yourself, Dan Conner.

That's what I do best.

Hi.

That's my granddaughter!
That's my granddaughter!

First day! First day!

Grandpa, what are you doing here?

Hopefully, embarrassing
the hell out of you.

And letting you know
how proud I am of you.

Thanks.

And also probably gonna
pick up some tiger balm

and a canned ham while I'm here.

Pbhhhht!

Hey.

Am I the only one in
this family who works?

I just wanted to say to you,

in front of these vending
machines and this rocket ride,

that I was wrong.

I think what you're doing is great.

You found a way to go to college.
I mean, that's amazing.

Really?

I feel like I'm... disappointing you.

Never.

I am so proud of you.

You know, I just want you to be happy.

Well, you want to hear something weird?

I am happy.

I'm gonna get a business
degree, and I'm gonna get rich

exploiting people like you.

Well, that would be great.

Can you do it quick enough
to send Mark to college?

Sure.

Okay.

It's my first day.
I got to get in there.

- Mm.
- Do you want me to get fired?

A little bit.

Okay, now that I'm painting,

I finished something that
I'm really proud of,

and I think that it would
look great in here...

if you agree, partner.

Of course you can hang
your painting in here.

I call it "Dawn At Dusk."

Wow. You're really talented.

If you put that up in here, I quit.

Okay, I will put it up
in the storage room.

But when I finish "Dawn At Dawn,"

it's going up in here.