02x20 - Bridge Over Troubled Conners

[bunniefuu]

Ooh, look at this apartment.

I mean, they want $1,100,
but it's worth it.

Are you kidding?
Look at the size of that fridge.

It's tiny.

That's a wine fridge, Elly May.

Oh, hey, look.

This place has got one of those,

and it's got three bedrooms,
a bay window,

a fireplace, hardwood floors,

it's in our price range.

Something's got to be wrong.

Let me check.

Oh, yep.

Sex offender a block away.

But he exposed himself in a library,

so that doesn't really affect us.

Hey, guys.

I've got a surprise.

We're going to Mexico!

Thank you, Jackie.
I was about to tell them that.

Oh, fine, well, you tell them

how we're going to
the border bridge in El Paso

so that Emilio can meet Beverly Rose

for the very first time.

Oh, damn it. I did it again.

Well, this seems very sudden.

Uh, who's gonna run the restaurant?

Oh, well, uh,
Emilio had a couple days off,

so it seemed like a good time,

and DJ said that he would cover for us
until we got back.

Uh, you're aware that DJ's gonna be

doing magic tricks
for the customers, right?

You know what's great for a restaurant?

A filthy dove walking across your plate

while you try to eat a tuna melt.

Gotta go. Bye.

- Hey, Becky.
- Yeah?

How can you afford this trip?

Emilio's tías are paying
for the gas and hotels.

Hey, look, I know they're
putting pressure on you

to marry him and make him legal,

but you're not really thinking
of doing that, are you?

Becky is not gonna fake some marriage

just to get Emilio into the country.

My God, it would make it impossible

for her to meet
and date anybody for two years,

which is the amount of time
they have to spend

to pretend being married
to fool the government.

Why are you so wired?

I just finished off
122-hour energy drinks

so that I'm, uh...

I'm good to drive for... 24 hours.

It doesn't really work that way.

They don't kick in one after the other.

It's all at the same time.

So now you're just gonna be

on the verge of having a heart att*ck

for the next two hours.

Oh, my God, you're right.

That explains the thumping in my head.

It's my heart.

Let's get on the road.

She's such a scatterbrain.

I don't know how she makes it
from one day to the next.

Baby.

Thanks again

for the ride from the grocery store.

It would've been hard

walking back with all this stuff.

Well, I was driving down the street

and I-I saw this sad old man

struggling with a couple grocery bags.

And I thought,
"Hey, there's my boyfriend...

and his face isn't the right color."

When I get my truck out of the shop,

my face will be the right color
all the time.

When are you getting it back?

As soon as I give 'em

all the money I have left in the bank.

I may be at the point
of going to the mall

and hurling myself down the escalator.

Well, there's nobody in the mall.

You'll lay there for days.

Hey, uh, you wanna
catch a movie or somethin'?

I can't. I got some stuff to do.

Uh, I'll see you later.

You don't have stuff.

Why are you trying to get rid of me?

It's embarrassing.

I got to go to the bank.

They're foreclosing on the house.

Oh, my God.

Well, why didn't you tell me?
We're a couple now.

We're supposed to be there
for each other.

You're right.

Gimme $4,000.

I don't have it.

But I have cleavage,
and I know how to use it.

Alright, let's go.

Better to have 'em and not need 'em

than need 'em and not have 'em.

The Conners - S02E20 - Season Finale
Bridge Over Troubled Conners

"The Conners" is recorded in
front of a live studio audience.

Well, thanks for coming with me
to look at apartments, guys.

- Wow!
- Nice.

It's even better than the pictures.

Look at all the architectural details.

You don't get this
in the newer buildings.

Oh, I love it.

I'm hungry.
How long's this gonna be?

You said we were going somewhere to eat.

We're here. Nobody's home.

Go to the fridge
and get whatever you want.

But before you go, um, Darlene...

Yeah, I think this is it.

Alright, let's do it.

Guys, Ben and I are moving in together,

and if we get this place,

we're legally obligated
to bring you with us!

Together.

W-Why aren't you guys excited?

Because we've been through this before.

You said we were going
to move to Chicago with Ben,

and that didn't happen.

One of you is gonna sleep with Dad

and screw this up.

Well, it is kinda my turn.

You know what,
that's not gonna happen this time.

Go explore, have fun.

Yeah.

Guy. There's a guy.

There's a guy in there.

It's okay. I'm Cyril.

I live here.

So, feel free to, uh,
look around, but quietly.

I just got the bird to sleep.

Relationships, am I right?

Oh, uh, you have a bird?

I'm so tired of hearing that.

No, I don't have a bird.

I'm with a bird.

We share the space.

We're equals.

So... Cyril, um...

why are you leaving such a great place?

Originally, there were three of us.

Uh, but Pretty Bird passed,

and now it's just me
and Mrs. Featherbottom.

She just can't be around
all the memories.

So, how soon will you
and Mrs. Featherbottom

be leaving the apartment?

Uh, I haven't broken it to her yet.

She's been here
since this was my mom's place.

Yeah.

She still hasn't gotten over her death.

Wake up, Mommy.

Wake up, Mommy.

He would be so perfect for Jackie.

Wow. Wish I had a bank like this.

I took a sandwich into my bank once,

and they wouldn't even cash my check.

'Course, I didn't have any money.

This ham represents
40 years of friendship.

Jim helped me buy that house.

And the day we closed,
I brought him a ham.

Now every time I have a problem,

I bring him a ham, and he helps me out.

- Hey, Jim!
- Hey, Dan.

Oh, Mr. Potter!

- Uh, this is Louise.
- Hi.

And you remember ham.

Of course.

Ham was at my wedding.

See, this is so great.

Big business has gotten so faceless,

but you guys are just,
"Hey neighbor, got a problem.

Here's a ham."

Well, you know why I'm here.

I just... I need another month.

Or two.

Maybe three.

But I won't take four unless you insist.

Look, Dan, I'd love to help you out,

but I can't this time.

What?

Come on, Jim. You're kidding, right?

You know they're gonna take my house.

Yeah, I know that, Dan.

Y-You don't think I wanna help ya?

Hey, Dan's good for the money.

Tell Jim about
that big apartment complex

you just bid on over on Spaulding.

It's huge.

And the apartments all have walls,

which is great for a drywaller.

Isn't that right, Dan?

That is right, Louise.

Thank you, girls.

Look, i-i-it's not up to me anymore.

You know, we got bought out,

and I'm just trying to hang on myself.

You know, they want somebody
cheaper and younger in my spot.

So they tell me what to do, and I do it.

Well, they told you to screw me over.

No, they told me that
you're an unacceptable risk.

They got an algorithm now.

An algorithm.

So I'm a number now.

I got some machine telling me
get out of my damn house.

My whole family's living there!

Where are they supposed to...

That's not your problem.

Thanks anyway, Jim.

I'm sorry. Hey, tell Gail I said hi.

Look, it's your daddy!

Mi amor!

Ay. Ay, que lindisima.

Oh.

I can't believe
I'm actually holding her.

She's so wonderful.

You think that's good,

you should change some diapers.

It's transcendent.

Thank you for driving all this way.

Oh.

Your tías were so helpful.

They even gave us little medals
with saints on them

to "take care of us."

I used one to scratch off
a lottery ticket in Missouri.

I won 10 bucks,

so shout-out to St. Christopher.

We are going to have a great day.

I can't wait to show you Parque Central.

Oh, my mother gave me her earrings

for Beverly Rose.

They're real gold with little diamonds.

These are so nice.

Uh, I'll just put them
in my ears for safe keeping

'til she turns 18.

- Oh, yes.
- Yes, baby.

We're in Mexico.

Hey. Is my dad around?

We saw the greatest apartment yesterday,

and it's super close by.

We got to tell him.

Yeah, I brought him some beer
to celebrate.

You know, it's not every day
your little 43-year-old girl

leaves the nest.

Uh...

That's great, you guys.

Uh, look, before you tell your dad,

I got to give you a heads-up.

He's in trouble with the mortgage.

The bank's gonna take the house.

Well, he talked to Jim, right?

He brought the ham?

Yeah.

Yeah, it didn't work.

He owes four grand.

Four grand?!

How the hell did he get that far behind?

I don't know.

You know, work's been slow.

Sometimes things just pile up on ya.

He's too proud to tell you,

but I thought you should know.

Damn.

Just never ends for you guys.

One of your ancestors
mess with a witch or somethin'?

I'm not gonna let my dad lose his house.

I hear ya.

Maybe we could, you know,

sell some more ads for the magazine,

put together a few bucks.

Or... we use our deposit money
for the new apartment

to bail him out.

Where are we supposed to go?

Well, we could live here...
I mean, just for a while...

And help with the mortgage payments

just until he gets back on his feet.

Look, Darlene, I know you love your dad,

and so do I,

but it's not gonna be
for a little while.

Um, he is a 65-year-old
construction guy,

and he's not just gonna suddenly
start making more money.

Look, I-I'm sorry. My dad needs me.

Darlene.

Look, I don't want to live here, okay?

We finally agreed to move in together

so we can start our own life.

Now, what, you're gonna
make me the bad guy

'cause I don't wanna
move into your childhood home?

Look, we can't lose this house.

It will k*ll my dad.

And every memory I have is here.

Staying up all night,
fighting with Becky in our room,

teaching DJ how to sled down the stairs

on a piece of cardboard.

I mean, this is the last place
I saw my mom alive.

I don't want some other family
moving in here

and erasing all those memories.

Hey, look, those memories are in you.

They are not in this house.

Now, I know that this is hard for you,

but it is not the kids' job
to rescue the parents

at the expense of their own lives.

You can't save everybody.

Yeah, of course you feel that way now,

but eventually, your parents
will need help, too,

and I will do whatever it takes.

But you won't have to,

because my parents
have paid off their house,

they have a fat pension
and long-term health insurance.

Well, tell those arrogant bastards

to get over here, grab a
bucket, and start bailing,

'cause the Conners are going down!

That was really fun.

The people here are so nice,

and I noticed the tequila's so cheap!

The people here are so nice

because the tequila's so cheap.

Well, I'm glad I didn't come here
when I was a drunk.

I would've d*ed.

Hey, you being a drunk wasn't all bad.

We made a beautiful baby.

Yeah, we did.

Uh, well, I guess we got to go.

Goodbye, Beverly Rose.

There you go.

Yes.

I might not be there
to watch you grow up...

...but I promise to FaceTime you
as much as I can.

Te amo, mi amor.

Que dios te bendiga.

This won't be the last time you see her.

I'll come back, like, every few months.

No, you won't.

You can't afford to,
and I understand that.

I will.

You'll see.

Bye, Emilio.

So, do you wanna get married?

If you're looking for all those weird
ice crystals, so I made the kids eat it.

Holy crap.

What happened?

A guy owed me money for a drywall job,

and he wouldn't pay me in full.

We negotiated,

and we thought the best way to settle it

was to punch each other in the face.

I got 200 bucks out of it, though.

Whoa.

What's the other guy look like?

Oh, about 6'1", brown hair,

pretty good-looking,
'til he had the broken nose.

Dad, you can't go around
b*ating people up

who owe you money

just to keep the bank
from taking the house.

Damn it, Louise shouldn't have
told you that.

Well, I'm glad she did.

I want to help you out.

You already help me out!

I don't see anybody else around here

filling up old water bottles
with gas station hand soap.

I'm talking about the mortgage.

You don't have the money.

Well, you know what,
I'll... I'll sell my car,

and I'll take the bus.

I'll get a second job.

I'll go back to the casino.

I will do whatever it takes

so that we don't fall behind again.

No, you're not doing that.

Your dad's right.

You're not doing that.

We're doing that.

Now, together, Darlene and I have enough

to pull you out of the hole,

and then, you know,
we'll take over the mortgage.

No, you won't.

Mark told me about the apartment.

I'm not taking your deposit money.

I will not be a burden on you kids.

No, you're not a burden.

I mean, you always figured out a way

to keep this roof over our heads.

It's our turn now.

The bank's not taking my house.

You're not taking my house.

I will figure something out.

Don't be so stubborn, Dan.

Look, we're helping ya, and that's that.

I already kicked a couple asses today.

Don't make me kick yours. Boop!

That was a hero moment

that was super unsatisfying.

Not to me.

Thank you.

Hey, you don't think he's crazy enough

to let the bank come for the house

instead of taking our help?

Well, you know,

we've got a little time to work on him

before the eviction.

He's probably got about six months

before the house sells at auction.

Now, that's when the sheriff comes
and grabs your dad,

drags him out kicking and screaming.

And, of course, if he has
any weapons in the house,

it could end up being a SWAT situation.

And as I understand it,
if the guy has a sh*t,

he'll take the sh*t.

Uh, your "everything
is gonna be alright" speech

needs some work.

! Hola, mi familia!

- Hey!
- Oh!

How was Mexico?

It was good.

I dropped Jackie off at home.

God, that woman can talk.

Oh, she was going on and on

about how she used to date
Dr. Seuss back in the day,

40 years ago,

but he would never reveal
his true identity.

She claims she did him on a plane.

She swears she did him on a train.

- Heeey!
- Hey. Hey, welcome back, Becky.

Hey, Beck.

- Hey!
- Mm.

How was the trip?

Yeah, how's Emilio doing?

Uh, he's changed a little bit.

Um, he's married now.

Sorry, Becky.

Don't be.

He's married to me.

What the hell are you talking about?

Uh... I don't know.

I saw Emilio with Beverly Rose,

and I thought,

how would I feel if I couldn't see her?

And I then I said, "Don't look back,

don't look back, don't look back."

And then I did...

and then I married him.

Wow.

So, he's moving in?

Relax.

He has to stay in Mexico for two years

while we pretend
we're in a real marriage.

Then he can get a waiver to come back.

Oh, you better be damn careful.

You're breaking the law.

They could throw you in jail.

Ooh, diamonds.

If you go to jail,

I can wear those earrings

to keep 'em safe while you're gone.

Hola, Becky.

What are you doing here?

Once I held Beverly Rose, I realized

I didn't want to miss
any more of her life.

Emilio, the point of us getting married

was so you could come back legally

and be part of Beverly Rose's life.

If they catch you here,
you'll be banned forever.

You're supposed to be in Mexico.

Check it out. I am.

Here is me in Juarez

celebrating 2021
with my New Year's glasses.

Here's me in Juarez
gaining a little weight

in the winter 2021

and then taking off the weight
in the summer.

It's a good thing
you took off the weight,

because you're gonna have
to run from immigration

when they catch you here!

Go now!

It's late!

There's no traffic!

I'll be fine.

I'll be staying with my tías.

But right now, I really want
to see Beverly Rose.

Okay.

But you showing up here
without telling me is wrong.

This lack of communication

does not bode well
for our fake marriage.

Bienvenidos. Bien...

Uh, uh, uh, uh, quick question.

Is this where you're teaching your kids

how to appropriate
somebody else's culture?

Yeah, I'll bet you can't wait
to get home,

"talk in an accent,"

put those sombreros down on the ground,

dance around them while
your kids shake the maracas.

You know who can't afford
those maracas...

The kids that make the maracas.

Yeah, keep walkin'.

Bienvenidos.

Oh, classic. Piñatas.

You gonna take those home

to your little entitled
white-kid family?

Alright, go ahead.

Shout "Ay-yi-yi,"
b*at the burro with a stick.

Latinos come in all colors.

We're Mexican, dumb-ass.

Ohh.