03x01 - Keep On Truckin' Six Feet Apart

[bunniefuu]

♪♪

Hold it right there! [ Sighs ]

Well, Sheriff,
I hear you're pretty fast

with that there thermometer g*n.

But someday,
somebody's gonna come along

what's gonna be faster.

You say that every day,

and I still don't know
what it means.

Don't move!

[ Thermometer beeping ]

Okay, it's normal.
You passed the first test.

Are you coughing, sneezing,
or experiencing diarrhea?

Exactly in that order? No.

Move it or lose it.

Harris.

You're in my
easy‐to‐reach‐a‐beer spot.

Sorry. Last chair.

Tell little psycho boy to stop
making us eat six feet apart,

and you could sit on the beer
if you want.

[ Thermometer beeping ]

Uh‐oh. Mom, you're 99.

Can you smell this?

I‐I don't want to smell it.

It's bad enough
I have to eat it.

Excuse me!

Does anyone want to
socially distance their asses

so I can come back in the room?

If not, can I please have

another serving of
mashed potatoes?

Thank you!

Oh! Damn it!

Oh, don't worry! I'll eat it!

Too good to go to waste.

You know, the best part about
this damn pandemic

is having you in our bubble
cooking for us.

That's the best thing?

You know what I mean.

Becky, take my spot.

I can't eat and watch that.

Dibs!

So, Dad, have you heard anything
from the bank?

I mean, they can't take our
house during COVID, can they?

They're so busy
repossessing other houses,

maybe they'll forget about us.

[ Chuckling ] Yeah!
They have their pick.

Hey, should we grab that
four‐bedroom Cape Cod

or Tobacco Road over there
with the chicken coop out back?

Is Mark here?

I saw you ride up on your bike.
Show me your test.

Here. See? Negative!

That's last week's test.

Oh, for pity's sake.

I'll just leave.

I'm in!

You delivered food
to dozens of people.

You have to go!

I eat disinfectant,
and I crap sanitizer.

Do your worst
or get out of my way, junior.

What's that?

Tony's Falafels closed,

so he had an inventory sale
in his parking lot.

Hummus, olives,
chickpeas, grape leaves.

Sounds like what animals eat
to become food.

Man, restaurants are
dropping like flies.

I'm not letting anything happen
to The Lunch Box.

I've bailed on too many careers.

I was a cop, I was a trucker.

I got sh*t, I quit.

Fell asleep at the wheel,
I quit.

And by the way, I fell asleep
at the wheel as a cop,

and I got sh*t as a trucker.

Oh, my stars and garters!

Wellman Plastics is reopening,
hiring 200 people!

Hmm. Isn't that where you and
Roseanne used to work, Jackie?

Yep.

Look, it says
they're making up for

the plastics slowdown
out of China.

[ Laughs ]

Game over, China!

I remember visiting
you guys at work

and watching you robotically
doing the same job over and over

and thinking, "Wow.

It must really suck
to be an adult."

And it does.

It's gonna be
a hell of a place to work,

with people shoulder to shoulder
on that assembly line.

It's gonna be way too easy
to catch something.

Yeah. I was too easy.
I caught something once.

From the supervisor, Booker.

But it was worth it.

He looked just like
George Clooney.

So, you, uh ‐‐ you care to make
a friendly wager?

Yeah.

If I win, then you have to spend
the night at my place.

I've got a 160 average, Booker.

There's no way
you're gonna b*at me.

Alright, alright,
what if you win?

Then you spend the night
at my place.

Sounds good.

Scrubbing my bathroom.

[ Sighing ] Ohh, man.

I shoulda hit that
till I broke it.

[ Knocking on door ]

Let the old guy get it.

If it's Death, I'm kissing him
right on the mouth.

Ha!

[ Chuckling ] Tito!

Hey, neighbor. How you doing?

Man, I haven't seen you
in a dog's age.

I've been in the house,
you know.

I got a guy working on my roof.

I think he's trying to screw me.

So, could you look over
this contract?

Just help me out.

Sure thing. Be happy to.

This is an eviction notice.

Yeah, you've been served.

You son of a bitch.

Hey, I'm...

I'm sorry.

I've been out of work.

I need money for hospital bills.

My ‐‐ My son tried to do
one of those, uh, videos

where he dances alongside
a moving car.

Uh, he's progressing well.

Yesterday, he said "cat."

W‐Would this be the wrong time
to ask for my mower back?

Hold on.

It's right behind the door.

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Uh, do you know what happened
to the rest of my wine?

I had like half a bottle.

Oh. Sorry, you're new.

Um, house rules ‐‐ "If it's red,
keep it under the bed.

If it's white, who drinks
half a bottle anyway?"

[ Refrigerator door closes ]

It's like living with bears.

Yesterday I put my plate down,
went to get a napkin.

Someone ate the meat
out of my sandwich.

That's Harris.
She's cutting back on carbs.

Are you working?

Mm‐hmm.

How do you do that with all this
craziness in the house?

Well, we're starting a magazine

about criminals
and shady people.

I use the family
for inspiration.

And I started drinking a lot.

Your family stole my Merlot.

I want you to go out there
and b*at 'em up.

Oh, yeah, I forgot to mention.

If it's red ‐‐

I know!

[ Sighs ]

What's that?

An eviction notice.

I got five days till
the sheriff locks us out.

Well...

worse comes to worse,
you can come stay with me.

What about the rest of the
baseball team that lives here?

Yeah, well...

I can't go anywhere.

But you know what?

You're good‐looking enough
to get yourself a rich guy.

I am not leaving you.

No.

I meant lure him back here
so we could rob him.

[ Laughs ]

♪♪

Hey.

Uh, I bought some vegan cheese
to go with Louise's wine.

Where is it?

Oh, um, well,
if you give me some cheese,

I'll make sure it spends
some time with the wine.

I'm just glad
you're liquored up,

'cause the premiere issue
of Lanford Exposed

just lost its last
big advertiser.

You gotta be kidding me.

There's gotta be somebody else.

[ Chuckling ] No.

Businesses aren't advertising
'cause people aren't spending.

Everybody's just staying home

and watching reruns
of "The Nanny"

and scarfing antidepressants.

I think that's just you.

I just finished that article

about how banks are
screwing people over

just when they need help
the most.

It's, like, the best thing
I've ever written.

I guess we could hit up
the smaller businesses,

sell smaller ads,
and make it up in volume.

That is such a great idea.

Yeah, and we'll double team 'em.

I'll go out there with you
and knock on some doors, too.

Okay, well, that could work.

Yeah, and the mask will hide

your general contempt
for humanity.

♪♪

Okay!

Ready for more deliveries.

You can't make all those
deliveries by yourself.

Well, who else is gonna do it?

We can't afford
a delivery service.

And besides, my calves are
getting to be like steel cables.

Thanks, Emilio.

How come the bags are
all stapled closed?

Oh, because the delivery person
keeps eating the fries.

Customers describe her as

"a greasy‐mouthed woman
with giant calves."

Well, that's the problem
with this country.

We're in the middle
of a pandemic,

and people are
counting their fries.

Emilio, you shouldn't
be out here.

Somebody from ICE might see you.

Do you know how long it's been
since I felt the sun on my face?

I'm starting to look like
a white guy.

I could probably get a loan
for a house right now.

We're officially married,

so they're gonna have to
look at my credit, too.

Ain't gonna happen.

That's okay.

Beverly Rose,
you will be my sunshine.

Pick‐up for Steve Weisman?

Uh, it's those bags right there.
Can you grab them for me?

Uh... sure thing...

dude!

I'll get it.

Uh, here you go, Officer.

Have a great day. Thanks.

Oh, and by the way,
the food here

has gotten way better
in the last few weeks.

Oh! Ah, yes. That would be me.

I am the new chef.

Chaz... Johnson.

Chaz Johnson.

Chaz Johnson?

Why would you take a chance
like that?

You made me nervous.

And you're being paranoid.

I lived here for years
before I met you,

and I did not have a problem.

What are you talking about?
You got deported!

I only married you

so you could come here legally
in a couple years.

If they catch you here now,
you'll be banned forever.

But what if I go back
and they do not let me back in?

They keep changing the rules.

Do you really trust this
government not to do it again?

No. I guess I don't.

And you have
that nice, cozy basement

with my child in it.

I'm not ready to
tell my family yet,

and we don't need
to live together.

We're not a couple!

What ever happened
to that nice little drunk girl

I made love to in a freezer?

Oh, don't romanticize it.

I had to hold on
to a side of beef
to keep my balance.

♪♪

Dan, what the hell
are you doing?!

I'm working.

Well, you shouldn't be
doing that alone.

Where's your crew?

They went to get coffee.

All of them?

Right when you need to unload
drywall from the truck?

They promised to bring me
a Frappuccino.

Okay. Alright. I can wait.

I gotta stretch these big boys
out anyway, so...

1,000...

999...

998 ‐‐

Jackie, just go!

No. Not until
you tell me the truth.

I laid off my crew because
I need to make all the money.

I got the eviction notice.

Oh, Dan.

I don't have time to chitchat.

I‐I got‐‐ I gotta work.

But you can't be doing this
by yourself.

You're gonna have
a heart att*ck!

Just go!

Alright, fine!

Fine.

Here's your lunch.

Where do you think you'll fall?

Well, probably straight back,

hand clutches the heart,
the other one goes out,

so I guess right about there.

Ohh.

♪♪

Hey, Dad. I picked up
the kind of beer you like.

The big kind.

Hey, I just now got comfortable.

How about one of
my wonderful daughters

sliding that over to me?

There you go.

Just give me the damn beer.
I'm hurt.

[ Gasps ] Are you?!

Oh, my God, Darlene! Dad's hurt?

Well, what happened, Father?

I hope you weren't
drywalling by yourself,

like a complete idiot.

Jackie should've never told you.

It's none of your business!

[ Scoffs ] Yes, it is!

Because if you get thrown out,
we get thrown out.

Now, we are wasting time.

Right now Becky could be selling
her body out on the street.

Aw, you really think so? Thanks!

It's tough to keep
in hooker shape.

This conversation's over.

Come on, Dad. Let us help you
with the mortgage.

You're out of options.

You're like the captain
of the Titanic.

It's time to throw on a dress
and sneak into the lifeboat.

Please.

Let's not wait until the sheriff
is knocking at the door.

Let us pay rent.

It's me, Ben, Becky, Harris.

We'll make it work.

Hey!

Lay off your dad.

He works his ass off,
and now he's hurting.

And you know what a stupid,
stubborn, prideful man he is.

He'd rather put you all
out on the street

than let you help him
in any way.

That started out so good.

Alright, I got no choice.

I'll take your rent.

[ Sighs ] Finally.

By the way, I'm gonna be
a couple weeks late.

[ Sighs ]

Uh, me too.

And when you decide
who pays what,

just remember my baby and I
live down there in steerage.

Oh, and I'm gonna drink this
because you lied to us.

[ Groans ]

♪♪

Hey. How'd you do?
You sell any ads?

I did run into the Whelan family
in the parking lot,

and they are gonna buy an ad.

"Joyous congratulations to Jacob
on his streaming bar mitzvah,

and rest in peace to Menachem,
the best poodle ever."

Boy. Been a real roller coaster
for that family.

Please tell me
you did better than I did.

Well, in fact, I did.

I got ‐‐ drum roll, please ‐‐

Bill's Lawn Mower Repair.

Hey! Yes.

And the best part is

he wants to pay us
in lawn mower repair.

Well, that's great,

because we may need
to start mowing lawns.

[ Sighs ]

I'm so sorry, baby,

but I don't think
there's any saving this thing.

We're almost broke.

You ready to call it?

[ Groans ]

I can't believe this.

Every time
I thought about my future,

the magazine was part of it.

[ Scoffs ]

This is like my future's over.

Well, you can still find
something else

that you can
use your writing for and ‐‐

No. Sto‐‐ No more writing.

It's, like, ruining my life.

I'm staring down a stack
of overdue bills.

I just told my dad
we'd start paying rent.

Say what, now?

It's time to get a real job.

I should have known
this magazine thing
was gonna fall apart.

By the way,
thanks for the false hope.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I know this has been
hard on you,

but it's been
a great ride for me.

I lost my business,
I've gone through my savings,

and I'm sleeping in
your childhood bed.

But, hey, at least I have
your sour face to look at.

[ Chuckles ]

I'm just scared, you know?

There's, like,
not a lot of jobs out there.

Well, you could be a bouncer
at one of those big box stores.

They're looking for greeters

who'll take down the customers
who won't wear masks.

That's not a job.
I'd do that for free.

Hey.

Is this the line to apply for
jobs for Wellman Plastics?

No, it's a soup kitchen line

that started during
the Great Depression.

Service is just slow.

Thanks.

I hope I end up
next to you on line.

You seem fun.

Hey.

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?

Jackie told me she can't afford
to give me a salary

for The Lunch Box right now,
so I'm applying for a job.

Go ahead.

Call me a loser.

Okay, you're a loser.

I'm actually here
to get a job, too.
The magazine folded.

Then why did you
call me a loser?

'Cause it was free.

Uh... wait.

If you're working here,
who's gonna watch the baby?

Not a clue.

Man, wouldn't it be perfect
timing if Emilio were here?

[ Chuckles nervously ]

No. Emilio being here
would be a total disaster.

Oh, no. Emilio's here.

It's okay.

He's gonna watch Beverly Rose
at the restaurant

while he hides out
from the authorities.

But don't tell Dad.

He won't understand.
[ Door opens ]

We're gonna hold the line
up a bit

until we get the folks inside
taken care of.

And then
we'll start it up again.

Ugh.

Alright.

I won't tell Dad about Emilio

if you let me wear
Mom's old Wellman shirt.

That is a brilliant suck‐up idea
for the interview.

No way!

Why aren't you trying to get
another writing job?

Because I've got
25 years of failure

telling me that
that's the wrong direction.

When I moved back in
with Mom and Dad,

I didn't think
I could go any lower.

And then I chased this stupid
magazine into the ground.

I mean, like,
what is wrong with me?

No one wants me to be a writer.
Take a hint.

You know? It's like...

[Voice breaking] If I'd done
anything else, you know,

I wouldn't be standing
on this line, starting over.

As the older sister,

I guess I could have been
a better role model.

Uh, at least
I'm ahead of you in line.

Mom worked here.
Maybe it'll be okay.

No, we're supposed to do better
than our parents.

We're not supposed to be
going backwards.

We're ‐‐ We're gonna end up
as immigrants

on a ship back to Ireland.

Oh, my God,
what if they don't hire us?

They have to take us.

We're legacies.

We have Wellman Plastics
in our blood.

Well, that's probably
just from the tap water.

Let's look at this positively.

Um, it's a new beginning.

Aunt Jackie started here,
and she owns a restaurant.

That's something to be proud of.

Sandwiches!

Who wants an olive hummus
sandwich heah?!

Opa!

Well, maybe our kids'll
do something.

♪♪

Well, here we go, Laverne.

Schlemiel.

Schlimazel.

Both: Hasenpfeffer Incorporated!

♪ Doo‐doo‐doo, doo‐doo‐doo ♪

♪ We're not gonna make it ♪

At least Laverne and Shirley
worked in a brewery

and could chug a beer
once in a while.

Well, we get free
travel‐sized bottles,

which will come in handy

if any other country ever
lets Americans in again.

Alright, come on. Let's just
be happy we're working.

Wait.

How old were Laverne and Shirley
supposed to be

when they had these jobs?

Around 22.

Oh, crap!

♪♪

We've been stuck in this house
for months.

We needed something
to celebrate.

So I found something special
about today.

Go ahead and guess. Okay.

Thomas Edison applied for
a patent for the light bulb.

No!

Becky: Uh...

there was a giant earthquake
in Uzbekistan.

Good, but no!

It's National Reptile
Awareness Day!

It's also my birthday.

We knew that, honey.

Happy birthday!
Happy birthday, man!
Happy birthday, Mark!
Happy birthday!

[ Laughter ]

Is that my cake?

[ Laughs sadly ]

Well, it sure is, birthday boy!

Why is there a lizard on it?

That's because of your nickname.

When you were a baby,
we called you ‐‐

Iguana!


Iguana tell you happy birthday.

Hooray!