03x15 - An Old Dog, New Tricks And A Ticket To Ride

[bunniefuu]

Make room on the couch.

[Gasps] Grandpa! You got us a dog?!

[Gasps] Oh, my God, finally!

Something I can love around here!

- What's with all the squealing?
- Oh!

This is Lollipop,

and someone dropped him off
at Neville's clinic.

He needs a foster family

until they can find him
a permanent home,

and I said, "Hold on,
we're technically a family."

Well, I think it's great that
we're fostering a senior dog,

and while we have him,
Beverly Rose and I can take him

out on long, slow walks
in the cool night air.

He's , and he can't walk
because of seizures,

but you can be the one that carries him

in and out to do his business.

Mary, you have a doggie!

Since when are you the
patron saint of abandoned dogs?

Since Neville's clinic
pays bucks a week

to foster animals.

I need the money to pay the mortgage.

[Scoffs] Hoarding old dogs
is a solid plan...

or you could just apologize to Ben

and go back to work
at the hardware store.

Apologize for what?

Asking for % of a business
where I do % of the work?

You need this job, and I want
my boyfriend to come home.

I got enough stress in my life
without worrying about

what this is doing to our relationship.

I hear what you're saying.

There's not a lot of people
who will tolerate you,

and you don't want to
jeopardize your last sh*t.

Not only was I not saying that,

I'm not too happy
that you were saying it.

Okay.

I don't want to make things
harder on you.

I'm not going back in...

but he can still live here.

[Sighs] Thank you.

And until you're working again,

maybe Becky and I can chip in
a little extra money this month.

Hey! Stay out of my pockets.

I'm using the money
from my double shifts

to pay for some business classes
at the community college.

Wait, you're going back to school?

That's great!

Congratulations, honey.

I figure if I'm ever
gonna get out of factory work,

I'm gonna need a degree.

Does it have something to do

with you pretending to be
successful the other night?

Yeah.

When I was having dinner with Mikey,

I was so impressed
by the me I made up for him,

I want to be just like her.

x - An Old Dog, New Tricks
And A Ticket To Ride

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

Well, I set him down,
he bumped into a tree,

did his business, and fell asleep in it.

Good thing the dog is blind,

so he can't see the looks
of pity from the chickens.

You might want to put a sign
on that box.

"Dog. Do not throw away."

[Door closes]

Hey, downer!

Wow. You're awfully chipper for
someone who worked all night.

I don't know how you're doing it.

I got a goal...
and so much caffeine in me

that I got out at
the last stoplight and danced.

A UPS guy got out and danced with me,

but then it got weird and I came home.

You're out of your mind.

You know, you gotta sleep,
at some point.

I'm going to.

But first, I gotta do some stuff

for when Emilio brings
Beverly Rose over tonight.

I have a big girls' night
planned for just the two of us.

I've been working
so much these past few weeks,

I barely see her.

Ah, I'm sure she's fine.

Babies can't tell time.

It's either a quarter to hungry
or minutes past hungry.

They're actually pretty stupid.

We're gonna do all the things she loves.

I'm gonna warm her up
with "Tickle Monster,"

and then I'm gonna read her
"The Very Hungry Caterpillar."

I play all the parts.
It's pretty compelling.

Yeah, I've seen your caterpillar.

I wasn't transported.

DARLENE: So, I called you over here...

- [Clears throat]
- ...because I have got some good news.

- Oh.
- You don't have to live like a drifter

in the back of
the hardware store anymore.

My dad said it's okay
for you to move back in.

So let's go grab your stuff.

Darlene, I am not moving back
into your childhood bedroom.

Oh, come on.

And I-I'll let you take down
my Alice in Chains poster

and put up some of
your Grateful Dead nonsense.

First of all, it's not nonsense.

You're just too uptight
to understand them.

And this isn't about
your dad kicking me out anymore.

This is about you choosing me
for once over your family.

But my dad backed down.

He's not making me choose
between you and him.

- Why do you have to?
- [Sighs]

Look, can't we just go back
to the way things were

until we figure things out?

[Chuckling] No. No.

Look, if we are ever
going to live together again,

it has gotta be in our own place.

But I miss you.

Well, look, I miss you, too.

[Sighs] Just don't make me
miss you for too long.

♪♪

I am sorry... it's just that saying

- the screw is as big as your thumb...
- [Bell jingles, door opens]

doesn't really help me out.

- Thanks.
- [Bell jingles]

[Chuckles] Hey, Jackie.

You look swamped.

- Yeah.
- [Laughs]

I'm a little short-handed
since Dan quit.

[Telephone rings]

- [Clicks, ringing stops]
- So, what can I do for you?

Well, I'm looking for red light bulbs.

I didn't know you were into photography.

Is this for a darkroom?

No, actually, uh,
Neville is kind of a prude,

so I'm just...

just trying to ease him
into the freaky thing.

[Bell jingles]

Oh, is there somebody here?

Yeah, he's in the back. He'll be...

Oh, my God, Molly?

Molly Tilden, is that you?

Do I know you?

I'm Darlene Conner's Aunt Jackie
from next door!

- [Laughs] Oh, wow!
- [Laughs]

- Oh, I haven't seen you in years!
- [Chuckles]

What are you doing now?

Last I remember, you were
working at The Lunch Box.

Still am.

- Oh, are you married?
- Nope.

You still have that mom
you were always fighting with?

Let's cut to the chase.

Nothing's changed.

years... zippo. [Laughs]

- What've you been doing?
- Oh, God. Where... Where would I start?

Um, I moved away, and I got
married a couple times.

- Oh.
- [Both laugh]

And now I'm, uh... I'm...
I'm taking some time off work

back visiting my folks.

Does Darlene know that you're back?

We haven't really stayed in touch.

Oh, right. I forgot about that.

The David thing.

Yeah.

- What do you have against me?
- Nothing.

I just feel that we're at that
point in our friendship

where you should realize
that we don't have one.

I mean it. What did I ever do to you?

Is this because David flirts with me?

[Scoffs] I think
you have that backwards.

You're the one always
pulling the touchy-feely routine

every time he's around.

Look, I was just trying to be nice!

Well, he's not used to being
treated that way, okay?

All right, look, maybe I came on
a little strong the other day,

but I was mad at you.

Just trust me...
I'm not interested in David, okay?

Yeah, right.

And I'm sure David doesn't like me.

I know that. I didn't say he liked you.

I said cut the boy-toy crap.

Okay.

[Dog barks in distance]

So, whatever happened
with Darlene and David?

I mean, are they still together?

Nope, they got divorced.

She's with a real solid guy now.

Real piece of man-candy
from what I hear.

[Laughs] Molly, this is Ben,
Darlene's boyfriend.

Hi. Do you prefer "Ben" or "Mr. Candy"?

[Laughter]

Uh, Ben, this is Molly.

She and Darlene
went to high school together.

Oh! So, how can I help you?

Do you have outdoor speakers?

I'm laying out in my folks' yard.

I would like some music.

I've got a few. Let me show you.

Cool. It was so good seeing you again.

[High-pitched voice] Yeah, okay!

[Normal voice] Darlene?
I'm at the hardware store.

Molly Tilden, back in Lanford,
hitting on Ben.

No, the bitch is still adorable.

♪♪

[Doorbell rings]

- Hello, Becky. [Chuckles]
- Hi, guys!

You remember my cousin Lupe?

She's been helping me with the baby,

so I'm taking her to dinner tonight.

Oh, thank you so much for
helping Emilio out with the baby

while I've been working.

There's my big girl.

- Come here.
- Mama.

- Oh!
- Mama!

- What?
- [Crying]

Are you hungry?

- Mama!
- I got some Go-Gurt in the fridge.

- [Crying continues]
- Aww, she just ate.

- Oh, okay.
- Mama!

She must be overly tired.

She slept on the way over here.

She was driving, so I was concerned.

[Laughing] Oh!

Hey, hey, it's Mommy.

- [Crying continues]
- It's Mommy. Remember me?

- Shh.
- Oh.

- It's okay, Beverly Rose.
- [Crying stops]

Y-Y... No, m-my hands must be cold.

Here, come here.

- [Crying]
- Oh.

Oh, mm.

Oh.

[Crying stops]

Can you take the baby out for a walk?

Sure. Thank you, Lupe.

[Door closes]

She doesn't want to be with me.

She's calling Lupe "Mama."

Eh, let her settle down a little bit,

and we'll try again.

It'll be fine.

No, she's too upset.

I don't want to put her through that.

Just take her back to your place.

Are you sure?

I got stuff to do.

I gotta take my duvet to the Laundromat.

It's too big for our machine.

Okay.

We'll see you tomorrow.

'Night.

[Door closes]

[Crying]

Oh. Hi, Darlene.

Is Mr. Tilden playing the TV too loud?

He can't hear a thing anymore.

Hi, Mrs. Tilden. Uh, no.

- Is Molly home?
- Yeah, sure. Hold on.

Molly! One of your little
friends is here to see you.

Uh, I'm years old and I've got kids,

- but, yeah, it's fine.
- Hmm.

Hey, Darlene.

[Chuckling] This is so cool.

Did your aunt tell you
that I saw her today?

Yeah, she did.

She also told me you were
hitting on my boyfriend.

Are you kidding me?

It's been years

and you're still
an insecure little teenage girl?

I don't have time for this.

Wait.

Wait. So you didn't flirt with him?

No, you psycho.

Whatever your aunt saw,

that's just how I am with everybody.

I am a people person.

Uh, no.

To be fair, you were always

a "having sex with
other people's person" person.

I was .

Geez, Darlene. I wouldn't do that.

I've had a couple of husbands
who have cheated on me,

so I know how that hurts.

All right, yeah. Sorry. Um.

Uh, maybe I overreacted.

Okay, let's start again.

How are you, Darlene?

Fine, Molly.

Hear you've been married a couple times.

Yeah.

Well, the first one was a mistake,

and I repeated it just to make sure.

Yeah, I did it a little differently.

Uh, I took my first mistake
and just stretched it out

so it was one really long mistake.

[Chuckles] I heard.

So, how is it with Ben?

Oh, great, actually.
Yeah, couldn't be better.

Well, if it's so great, how come
you came charging over here

acting all like, "You're
stealing my man, Jolene"?

Well, you know, even when things
are good, stuff can happen.

Come on. I've made all the
mistakes you can make with men.

I've been too clingy.
I've been too independent.

Birthday present threesome,
you name it. [Scoffs]

Well, uh, Ben was living
at the house with me,

and he and my dad had got in a fight.

And now he won't come home.

Threesome, huh?

For Ben's birthday, I got him
a reusable metal straw.

He told me he loved it.

So, are you worried
that he's not gonna come back?

Um...

Guess I'm just feeling
a bit overwhelmed.

I, uh... I have a new job,
and I've got kids,

and my dad needs help,

and now I gotta worry about me and Ben.

You don't have to worry.

I realized a while ago
that it doesn't change anything.

Well, if I don't worry,

then I have to
lean on my negative outlook.

Those are really the only
two personality traits I have.

When's the last time you had fun?

How far am I allowed to go back?

[Laughs]

[Chuckling] Here's what we're gonna do.

We're gonna get dressed up,

we're gonna hit Einen Biergarten,

and we're gonna get white-girl wasted.

Yeah, that sounds
really good right now, but...

Yeah, I don't know.

Oh, come on.

Maybe give Ben a reason
to worry for once.

All right, now, you're gonna go.

You're gonna put on your best
"going out on the town,"

low-cut flannel shirt,
and let's do this.

I do have some Doc Martens that
make my butt look really good.

[Laughs]

TOGETHER: ♪ I'm too sexy for this
shirt, too sexy for this shirt ♪

That's a lot of beer
for a little thing like you.

[Laughs] Oh, no. I'm not alone.

I'm here trying
to get my depressed girlfriend

out of her head.

[Chuckling] Oh, yeah?
Which one's your friend?

Over there.

♪ Love's going to leave me ♪

♪ I'm too sexy for my love ♪

♪ Too sexy for my love ♪

♪ Love's going to leave me ♪

♪ And I'm too sexy for this song ♪

- Whoo-hoo!
- Whoo!

Too sexy! I'm too sexy!

[Laughs] Hey! Look at you!

Are we having fun yet?!

Yeah, I think I am.

Does it... Does it look like I am?

Yeah, here! Get up here with me.

Come on, come on, come on.

- [Grunts]
- Yeah! Now you do!

- [Laughter]
- Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, look at us.

We're wearing the same shirt.

Oh, yeah. It's a man's shirt.

What are you doing wearing it?

Can I buy you a giant pretzel?

Oh, wow. A whole pretzel.

You don't even know where this is going.

[Squeals] Wow!

- What?
- [Chuckling] You're flirting!

- I am?
- Yeah.

Oh, I was trying to humiliate him.

Oh, my God, that means
I flirt with men all the time.

[Laughs]

- Thank you so much...
- [Sighs]

...for getting me out.

I didn't know how badly I needed this.

Well, you're years old.

How much longer are you gonna
wait to enjoy your life?

- ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
- Didn't know it was an option.

- ♪ Oh, I swear what he means ♪
- [Laughs]

♪ At this moment, you mean everything ♪

- [Cellphone ringing]
- ♪ You in that dress ♪

It's Ben.

Just say hi and get rid of him.

Make sure he knows you're having fun.

Hello?

Darlene?

Uh, who is this?

I can't hear you over
all the fun I'm having.

It's Ben. [Laughs]

Where are you?
When are you gonna be home?

Oh, you mean, when
am I coming home to my home,

where you... whoever you are...
no longer want to live?

We need to talk.

Well, I'd love to, but I have to
tell Eileen to come on.

You know, "too-ra-loo-ra-yay"?

All right, sorry, gotta go.

- TOGETHER: ♪ Come on, Eileen ♪
- Yes!

♪ Oh, I swear, what he means ♪

♪ At this moment... ♪

[Instrumental version
of "Come On Eileen" plays]

♪♪

So...

what's your story?

Somebody remember your birthday,

forget your anniversary... what?

Worse. It's just Wednesday.

[Laughs] I've been there.

As a matter of fact,
I'm there right now.

Are you drinking that?

Not yet.

Well, now that we're friends,
would you mind if I took a pull?

[Laughs] Sorry. COVID.

And vodka's just short
of the % alcohol

the CDC recommends to k*ll the bug.

Lucky for me, got my own cup.

Small load, medium load, or large load?

How about a medium load?

Anything more than that, I'll
want to make love to my husband.

[Chair scrapes]

You got kids?

I'm drinking in a Laundromat.

What do you think?

Mine's a baby, and I love her,

but I've been working double shifts,

and I hardly get to see her.

And when I go back to school,
it's only gonna get worse.

That's a tough one.

Damned if you do, damned if you don't.

If I don't, I'm not able to
give her a better life.

[Sighs]

But I don't want to lose her
in the process.

[Voice breaking]
I feel like I'm drowning.

[Chuckles]

You know, when I was in high school,

I thought I was gonna be
running the world.

What did you think
you were gonna be doing?

[Sighs] Drinking.

[Laughs]

So, that worked out for you.

Congratulations.

♪♪

- Oh, you know...
- Aah!

...I never felt
totally safe in this house.

It's about time
they got a security guard.

Darlene said you weren't moving back in.

What are you doing here?

I came to talk to her, but evidently,

she's out on the town
living her best life.

[Chuckling] What's with the outfit?

Oh, I picked up the graveyard
shift at the city impound lot.

It's not bad.

There's a pack of pitbulls
that do most of the work.

So, you're sitting outside
in the freezing cold all night?

For what? Huh?

Just 'cause I won't give you
a part of my business?

You don't think
I'm worth sharing the profits

for all that I bring to the table.

That's insulting, man.

My father gave this to me.

It was important to him,
and percent's just too much.

Is there a percent that isn't too much?

I mean, I think %
is a pretty good amount

for a guy who was
previously a security guard.

Deal.

Well...

It's...

- BEN: Hey.
- [Door closes]

- Hey.
- Oh, somebody had fun.

You're drenched in sweat.

Women don't sweat.

We glow with beer that we can't
process through our kidneys.

What are you doing here?

Well, I was a little worried
by our phone call,

and you sounded
like you were having fun,

so I knew something wasn't right.

No, no, it's actually really right.

Look, I know you're worried
about your dad's money problems,

but I did something that I think'll help

that situation down the road
a little bit.

I gave your dad % of the business.

[Exhales sharply]

My God, that's amazing.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thank you.

Well, I figure in six months,

he should make enough money to
pay the mortgage without you.

And so, if you don't want to
move out with me then,

I'm gonna have to assume
that you don't want us

to have a future.

Okay.

"Okay"? That's it?

Let's talk in six months.

I can't keep worrying all the
time about what's gonna happen,

so I'm taking Molly's advice
and I'm going with the flow.

What does that mean?

It means I'm gonna go make
some toast to soak up this beer.

So why don't you go back
to the hardware store,

and maybe tomorrow,

I will come by and sleep with you.

Well...

what time tomorrow?

When I'm naked in your cot,

it will be shortly after that.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Ooh, you're up early!

Did you have "Come On Eileen"

stuck in your head all night, too?

No. Just the look on Ben's face

when I told him I wasn't gonna worry

about our relationship anymore.

What's this?

Open it.

Okay.

A first-class ticket to Hawaii?

Mm-hmm. What do you say? Come with me.

All right, well, what about work?

And, I mean, who's gonna watch my kids?

You'll miss two days.

And one of the other people

who live [Chuckling] in this house

can watch your kids.

It's so expensive.

No, not for me.

My ex pays my credit card,

and I abuse it
to get frequent flier miles.

I don't know.

Well, I mean, I have always
wanted to go to Hawaii.

Actually, I've always
wanted to go anywhere.

Yes! So, let's do it.

Okay, I'm definitely gonna consider it.

- [Chuckles]
- It would be really fun

to see that village
where all the settlers

got wiped out by that volcano.

I'm gonna have to keep you drunk
the whole time.