03x17 - Regrets, Rehabs And Realtors

[bunniefuu]

Could you pour me a to-go cup?

If I fall asleep in rehab,

I think it sends the wrong message.

Oh, and I took your shampoo

'cause I don't know what kind of
stuff they'll have there.

You're gonna be picky?
It's not a vacation, you know.

Just because drinking
has made me dull and lifeless

doesn't mean my hair has to be.

I'm trying to keep it light, okay?

I know it's now or never.

[Sighs]

Are these the plane tickets
Molly left you?

Weren't you gonna sell them?

I tried to. But I keep stopping.

I really wanted to go to Hawaii.

Yeah, she totally ruined
your trip by dying.

I mean... [Scoffs]

did she even think about
how that would affect you?

I'm not making this about me.

Molly knew me

and she knew how good
this would be for me.

I know that sounds like a lot of "me" s,

but Molly just wanted what was
best for... you know, I.

Hey, I'll make it about you.

I'm already packed.

I'll just toss the AA workbook,

throw in a bathing suit,
and we're out of here.

What happened to "It's now or never"?

It became now or later.

No. Not going to happen.

Although I wish you could go,

'cause I can't find
anybody else to go with me.

I can't believe Ben doesn't want to go.

He thinks I should give the money to Dad

so we can move in together sooner.

D.J.: Come on, Becky!

What's all this?

We just wanted to say goodbye,

tell you we know how hard this is,

and we're really proud of you.

Since you're going to a Jewish rehab,

I made you a cheat sheet of
common Yiddish words.

I couldn't tell the difference between

schlemiel and schlimazel,

so I'd play it safe and go with schmuck.

I am so touched by this.

I'm a little...

verklempt.

I made you a dream catcher

to catch all your alcoholic thoughts.

- Aww.
- Oh, it's not big enough,

but that's very sweet.

I brought you some of my company's

international vending machine snacks.

The mackerel-flavored potato chips...

they were huge in Norway.

Just open the bag outside.

Well, I didn't know we were doing gifts,

so here's bucks.

You can buy some cigarettes

and trade them with the other prisoners.

I'm just gonna put this stuff in the car

and come right back
and say goodbye to the baby.

Thanks.

[Door closes]

I know this is gonna sound stupid,

but I wish I was going somewhere.

Well, drink excessively,
and you can, too.

You know what I mean.

I mean, maybe Hawaii is too much,

but how about a couple days
in South Haven?

We could rent a little Airbnb
on the lake.

I've always wanted to try jet skiing.

Well, I've always wanted to
live with my girlfriend, huh?

And if we keep saving our money,

that'll happen sooner than later.

Hey? And, plus,
my "Spring Into Hardware" event

starts this weekend.

Oh, the son of the guy
from Empire Carpets

is gonna be there.

I'll be able to check that
off my bucket list.

[Laughs]

Where's my baby?

[Gasps] There's your mommy.

- [Baby wails]
- Yeah.

Oh, Mommy's gonna miss you.

But things are gonna be so much
better when she gets back.

Yes.

Just don't have any
developmental breakthroughs

while I'm gone.

I know she's walking,

but if she tries to run,

say "no" and push her down.

x - Regrets, Rehabs And Realtors

♪♪

♪♪

♪♪

♪ Whippoorwill ♪

- [Static crackles]
- ♪ He sounds too blue to fly ♪

[Bell rings, door opens]

[Clearer] ♪ The midnight train ♪

Don't take another step. I've got a g*n!

No, you don't.

And what the hell are you
doing in here, anyway?

Are you sleeping here?

I prefer to think of it as
"communing with nature,"

but yes, I am sleeping here.

You know what? Let me turn off my rock.

[Music stops]

[Sighs] What are you doing here?

You're supposed to be in Florida.

I only agreed to move there
because our friends are there...

and your father wanted to
play golf all year round.

Then when he d*ed,

I realized they were his friends

and I hate them.

So, what, you're moving back here?

Yes. This is where my friends are.

That doesn't sound right.

Well, you're here.

I-I was hoping we could be friends.

Oh. Sure.

Yeah, the whole "mom and son"
thing didn't work out.

Let's try friends.

You should've texted me, you know,

and let me know you were coming.

Well, I didn't want to
give you a head start.

Ah. So, what is going on here?

I thought you sold the magazine

and you were living in
some fancy house with Darlene.

Look, Mom, things are just
a little different

than I led you to believe.

I got in bed with a corporation,
and they ended up

kicking me out of my own magazine.

And the fancy house is

Darlene's childhood bedroom.

I just told you all that other stuff

since I thought
you'd be living in Florida.

So, you see, this is really
kinda your fault.

Yeah.

So, don't tell me Darlene

is going to be moving into
your little hobo camp.

Don't be ridiculous.

Look.

I don't want to rent an apartment

unless Darlene can move in with me.

And right now, her dad doesn't
want to let go of the house,

so she has to help him
with the mortgage.

Uh-huh.

And how long is that going to be?

I don't know.

She's been helping him out
for more than a year.

- A year?!
- I know!

I wanted to give her a chance to
try and figure it out, but...

I miss her.

I am sure it'll all work out.

Of course.

And if you strike gold
in the plumbing section,

word will get out,

and there'll be a stampede
of them fancy city gals.

Yee-haw, you dope!

♪♪

Well, Jeff, welcome to Wellman Plastics.

Congratulations on being late
your first day.

I, uh, could've been here earlier,

but I wouldn't have been
this put together.

By the way, I've been vaccinated.

Okay, that's enough
scintillating conversation.

Uh, this is not a hard job.

Uh, the bottles come down the line.

You put them in one of these boxes.

You put the box on the line.

Rinse, repeat.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, I-I'm sorry.

Could you... Could you run that
by me one more time?

Yeah, very funny.

No, I'm serious.

I have a wicked hangover.

Don't do absinthe and beer.

Yeah, and definitely don't do it

the night before you start a new job.

What the hell is wrong with you?

Turn down the blower, boss.

It is a beautiful day. The sun is out.

We are all alive on the big blue ball.

Yeah, but it's our job to
fill the big blue ball

with more plastic bottles,
so let's get to work.

Listen, mornings won't normally
be this tough.

I just... I was celebrating
a-a buddy of mine,

a surfing buddy moving to Australia.

You got a surfing buddy in Lanford?

You got Google Maps, right?

So, we were heading to California, uh,

having adventures along the way,

and then our van broke down here.

So we decided to windsurf
Lake Michigan, as you would.

So then, uh, my buddy's grandmother

left him a whole bunch of money,
and so he decided to

move to a beach in Sydney,

and I'm going to
meet him there when I can.

Okay, well, it'd be nice

if we could all just
take off for the beach,

like, whenever we feel like it.

But some of us have to
make responsible choices,

and it's my responsibility to make sure

that you show up on time
and you do your job.

Wow, man. That sounds like a drag.

Listen, Spicoli.

Get it together or you're
gonna have to catch a wave

to the unemployment office.

You know, we're all carbon-based beings.

If you added any more pressure,
you could turn into a diamond.

I learned that in Superman comics.

Wow.

I hadn't pegged you as a reader.

And I was blacked out on my lawn

when the school bus dropped off my kids.

They tried to drag me into the house,

but I was pushing pounds,

so all the kids got off the bus to help.

It was like ants
trying to move a watermelon.

I hope you had a doorbell cam,

'cause the footage of that
sounds hilarious.

[Laughs]

Becky, it's important

that this is a safe place and we
respect everybody's struggle.

Congrats on losing all that weight.

I think a couple of third-graders

could drag you to the house now.

Come on, give it up for Rachel.

Becky, we haven't heard from you yet.

Is there anything you'd like to share?

Yeah.

After hearing Rachel's story
and Drove Off the Bridge Guy,

sh*t My Ex in the Face Woman,
and Fell Asleep Smoking Lady,

I realize that I'm not
as screwed up as you guys are.

Really? So you just
wandered in here by mistake?

BECKY: Oh, no.

Things definitely got out of control

the past few weeks

because I was under a lot of stress.

But I'm really more of a fun drunk.

What does everybody think about that?

I was a fun drunk right until
I drove off the bridge.

I was singing along to
"I Got Friends in Low Places."

Next thing I know,
the car's an aquarium.

And I was a hoot right up until
the attempted homicide.

We're all here for a reason, Becky.

Including you.

You wrote something
on your intake paperwork

about an incident involving your baby?

Yeah. I fell asleep.

And my aunt said that something

almost happened to the baby,
but it didn't.

But you're here because you
think if you continue to drink,

something could happen.

Could've, would've, might've...

Are you kidding me?

We are all one step past

"could've, would've, might have."

You need to dig down and face the truth.

Otherwise, what are you doing here?

You're taking a spot from somebody else

who wants to get well.

So you want me to leave?

'Cause I have no problem doing that.

- What are you afraid of?
- I think she's afraid

she's just like the rest of us
and really belongs here.

I'll tell you what I'm afraid of.

First of all, the food here.

If dairy doesn't belong with meat,

milk wouldn't come from a cow.

And all you guys attacking me
isn't helping.

You're all schmucks!

I hope that means what I think it does.

The house certainly is quiet
with Becky in rehab,

baby at Emilio's,

Mark is... somewhere.

You can actually hear your own
thoughts for a change.

[Chip crunches loudly]

Mmm.

These are so fresh.

It's like the crunch is kind of

echoing through the kitchen, isn't it?

[Laughs]

Wow.

I guess some people
just can't handle the quiet.

[Knock on door]

Well, isn't that just the way?

- I'll get it.
- Are you sure?

I'm closer since you're on
your way back to your own house.

[Knock on door]

Hello, Barb.

Hello, Jackie.

How are you doing?

How's it going with
your little stew cart?

[Door closes]

It's not a cart.

It's a restaurant,

and I'm getting a little tired
of people assuming that stew

is some "Grapes of Wrath" food

that's a last resort for poor people.

Bouillabaisse is a stew.

So is Beef Bourguignon.

You ever see anybody
buying Beef Bourguignon

off a cart, huh, sister?

Okay, so I think everyone's learned

a little about stew today.

Ah.

I-I didn't mean to upset her.

Well, you got to be careful
around the insane.

Anyway, Ben's not here.

You may want to check
the hardware store.

It was good to see ya.

Actually, you're the one
I wanted to talk to.

Then I think it might be
a good time for another beer.

Can I get you something?

Uh...

I'd take a scotch or a bourb...
or a rye if you've got it.

We don't have any saloon drinks here.

We have beer and light beer,

which is what we call
drinking half a beer.

- A beer will be fine.
- Great.

There you go.

Uh... [Laughs]

Ah, Jackie.

[Clears throat]
So, uh, what's on your mind?

I-I want to ask why your
daughter is supporting you

instead of starting a life with my son.

Oh, you just walk into the saloon

and start sh**t', huh, Tex?

Yeah, well, I'm sorry to be so blunt,

but for whatever reason,

my son is really in love with Darlene

and wants to live with her.

Her paying your mortgage

is really standing in the way of that.

Darlene isn't paying my mortgage.

I got a little behind,

and it was the kids' idea
to help me out.

But you didn't have to accept it.

You've created this codependent
situation with your kids

in order to maintain
the dysfunctional bond

you have with them.

I can tell by your tone you're
accusing me of something bad.

I don't know what it is, but
I don't have to stand for it.

Okay, here's the version for idiots.

You want to keep your kids around.

You clearly can't afford this house.

So do everyone a favor and sell it.

You got a hell of a nerve
coming in here and lecturing me

about what to do with my house
and how to treat my kids!

If I recall, you're the one
that messed up your kid

by getting knocked up
in the back of a van

and lying about it for years!

Yeah, well, at least the guy
who knocked me up

didn't use his kids to pay for his van!

Well, this place is still mine
until the bank takes it,

so I still get to say get your
sorry ass out of my house!

You know, I came over
to pay a friendly visit,

but you insist on making it contentious.

[Scoffs]

You didn't move back here on your own.

Florida kicked you out, didn't they?

It must've been really hard
saying goodbye

to all the other alligators.

♪♪

Wow, you're here before me.

How late am I?

I wanted to get here early
and make up for yesterday.

I didn't want you to think
I was a flake.

Oh, no, it's okay.

I was a little wound up
for personal reasons.

So, do you really just
move from place to place

looking for a good time?

Yeah, pretty much.

I used to have a regular job, and, uh,

I got tired of
waiting for life to start.

I can relate to that.

So I quit,

and I went to sleep on a beach in Fiji,

which I quickly found out

was pretty awkward
being a single guy there

because everyone else
was on their honeymoon.

So I told everyone

that my wife was k*lled
by a shark day one.

Fiji sounds great.

[Sighs]

These days, the only thing
I really want to do

is go to Hawaii and eat
a pineapple by a waterfall.

Actually, somebody gave me
a couple of free tickets,

but my boyfriend doesn't want to go.

You're kidding. Why not?

Well, he thinks we should
sell the tickets

and use the money to pay off bills.

I don't know.
He won't even go to Michigan.

That was me before I lost
my wife to a shark in Fiji.

Yeah, I mean, he's a good guy.

It's just the way
I see things is changing,

and, uh, yeah,

I don't know if he's willing
to change with me.

That's tough.

Listen, if you, uh,
if you ever need a friend

to travel with ya,

I would chuck this job tomorrow.

Now, I say that to you as my friend.

As my boss, I want you to know
that I love this job

and I am totally committed to it.

As your friend, thank you for the offer.

As your boss,
don't get too comfortable here.

♪♪

Well, they've been lying to us
about sardines for years.

There's plenty of room in here.

But if I did sell the house...

Oh, Dan, don't.

Don't let Barb get in your head.

But if I did,

Darlene and Ben
could finally live together,

and if I came out of it
with a few bucks,

I could help Becky
get her own place after rehab

and start her life fresh.

Mm. Make money off this house?

Yeah. Well, I don't know.

I... [Laughs]

Is there a Picasso
underneath the singing fish?

Did George Washington, uh, drink
out of one of our jelly jars?

[Laughs]

Hey, Jackie. Hey, Dad.

Man, I'm starving.

What the hell are you doing here?

They fixed me.

Mmm.

Look, I'm drinking orange juice
without vodka.

And I barely miss it.

Not good.

Not good.

- Where's Beverly Rose?
- She's at Emilio's.

Becky, you got to get back there

before they notice and kick you out.

You were lucky to get a bed at all.

We jumped too fast
putting me into a rehab.

I'll just go to meetings
and read some books and stuff.

Why are you resisting?
You were ready to do this.

I thought I was.

But I'm not gonna spill my guts
to a bunch of strangers

who are attacking me.

Now, please get out of my way.

I'm going to get Beverly Rose.

Becky, stop!

If you don't go back to rehab,

you're not just screwing up
your own life.

You're screwing up Beverly Rose's.

I had to grow up
with an alcoholic father.

I never brought friends around

because he would always embarrass me,

and every time he went out at night,

I used to pray that
he wouldn't die in a car crash.

And then, when things got really bad,

I prayed that he would.

So...

You really want to
put Beverly Rose through that?

[Sighs]

But what if I can't do what
they're asking me to do?

Ooh, you're as stubborn as I am.

But you're also as tough as I am.

You need to go back there
and just get this done.

If you don't try,
you know where this goes.

Will you drive me back?

Sure, I'll take you.

It's lunchtime,
and I've only had one beer.

Hey, if you need a role model,
there you go.

If you're really serious

about figuring out
what the house is worth,

there's a ton of Realtors on here,

come by and give you a estimate.

Why are their teeth so white?

People with good teeth
go into real estate.

Everybody knows that.

Why are we looking at Realtors?

Did we get to the end of the Internet?

Uh...

Barb came by and guilted
your dad about the house

because you helping with the mortgage

is keeping you and Ben apart.

Unbelievable.

E-Excuse me, Jackie. I'm sorry.

Dad, can I talk to you for a minute?

Mm.

Look, I don't care what Barb says.

You should not sell this house.

But she's right.

With you helping me out,
it's gonna be a long time

before you and Ben
get your place together.

Well, maybe that's okay.

No, it's not.
You've been patient long enough.

What I meant is right now,

I'm not in a rush to move in with Ben.

I'm not sure we want
the same things anymore.

Hold up. Are you... Are you seriously

talking about breaking up with him?

No. Um...

I mean, I-I don't know.

I-I just really need him
to be there for me,

and he's not stepping up.

So, I don't know.

I always assumed that Ben
was my future, but...

You know, is it okay if we don't
talk about this right now?

Yeah, it's fine.

There's just one thing
I want you to know.

If you do break up with Ben,
he's still my boss,

and I will have to take his side
and publicly bad-mouth you.

I understand.

I just want to apologize
for my behavior before.

RACHEL: It's okay.

This stuff is hard for all of us.

Yeah, it really is.

And according to the statistics,

about half of us are going to relapse.

Just makes you wonder who.

I don't think Carlos
has driven off his last bridge.

Oh, come on!

This is what fun without
drinking looks like.