10x05 - VidVok

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Letterkenny". Aired: February 7, 2016 –; present.*
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Comedy series showcases the antics of the residents of Letterkenny, a small rural community in Canada.
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10x05 - VidVok

Post by bunniefuu »

You were serving over
the legal limit the other day.

Gin?

And cock-suckin' tonic.
That's what I always say.

You drank it all,
you old goat.

Then I'll have a Gin Smash.

"Smashing."

Hey, Gailer,
you ever had a gin gash?

It's when you drink it out of
down there.

He drinks gin out your gash?

I don't even have to be awake.

Oh, baby, this reminds me

of the time we went down
"McMyrtle" Beach!

- What for?
- Making love.

I'm pretty sure this story's
gonna make you want to squirm.

- Bet I won't.
- Oh, you're gonna squiggle.

Bet I won't!
- Bet in a second,

you're gonna wanna squinch.
- Bet I won't.

Think we ought to take
that bet, baby.

Oh, baby, I love it when you
take it.

I love gettin' taken.
- What's the wager?

If I win, I get a case of beer
from you,

if you win, you buy me
a case of beer.

Deal!

I'll shake on
that cocksucker too.

Shaboink.

So Mrs. McMurray and I are on
our way down to McMyrtle.

He had his first ever gin gash
on the plane ride down,

didn't you, babe.
- Mmm-hmm.

Mmm. Mighty fine.

Actually, later, we'll tell you
about gash potatoes.

-
- 'Kay.

Mrs. McMurray are at the top of
the McMarriott Hotel Bar.

She's got a little whale tail
sticking out

the top of her pants.

Just a little thong riddin' up,
little t-bar. Heh-heh.

I got the sleeves cut off of my
t

just to let folks know,
we're playing for keeps.

Shoulda packed a lunch.

Oh, no, now this is when
the story starts getting good.

Wait, what was
the wager again?

If Gail wins, she gets a case of
beer from us,

if we win, we buy Gail
a case of beer.

Your money, honey.

So, Mrs. McMurray and
I are setting up shop.

Open sign in the window.

Let's just say this place smells
cologne-ly.

Tell her about the spinner,
baby.

So, this little blonde spinner
sashays up to the bar,

grabs my beer...

polishes off half of it!

What did she look like.

She coulda spat in it
and I'd still f*ck her.

Like a six or above then?

Then she looks at me and says,
"Good beer."

I said, "Yeah." Then, she looks
at Mrs. McMurray

and stares her straight
in the tits.

Square in the tits.
- Mmm-hmm.

Then, she looks back at me and
says,

"Youse guys down for some nose
beers?"

Degen.

I say, "We talkin' the carny
quesos?"

- White goat tocate?
- Talkin' the disco talco.

The Hollywood wash?

She says, "How 'bout a bumpsky?"

I say...
"Bathroom."

For a couple third stall
solditas.

And she says, "No, no, no, no,
big boy!"

She says, "This here's McMyrtle
Beach, and down here,

we don't keep no secrets."

She dumps a Callaway on her hand
and holds it up

to her honker and...

And she dumps a Titleist on my
hand,

I hold it up to my honker...

And she dumps a Slazenger on my
hand,

I hold it up to my honker...

- Whew!
- Dunloped!

Then we're
the Top Flite three.

Says, "How does that smell?"
I says, "Better than hell."

She says, "Yeah, you ever
smelled heaven?"

She sticks her hand down her
skorts, pulls it up

and puts her peter-pointer right
under my beak.

- How'd that smell?
- Like fuzzy peaches.

Eh, I was hoping for Hot Lips.

Gail, is none of this not
gettin' a wee bit butt-off?

- What happens next?
- You mean after she ripped

a dinger off my
McMichael Kors watch?

- I blacked out.
- Huh?

Mrs. McMurray, tell her what
happened.

He drank about 20 gin gash out
the two of us.

You what?

I drank about 20 gin gash out
the two of them.

Oh... How's that go?

So.

I'm stripped down.
- So's the spinner!

Ooh! Yes, Ma'am.

I tip my bird forward, I pour
the ginsky down my tummy,

it filters
through my bird and...

Straight down the gullet!

Gin gash.
Also called ne-groin-ies.

And you blacked out on that?
You've changed, McMurray.

I've seen you drink 30 Gus N'
Brus a baker's dozen times.

I didn't say I was finished.

Nothin' though, Gailer? Is none
of this not getting you...

a wee bit fidgety.
- And then?

And then, I was just gonna
tell ya--

- Then tell me!
- All right by that time

we're about three grams deep on
the cartel crumbs.

Don't forget about the 20
gin gash!

And this gal wants to kick
things up a notch.

- Yep.
- You ever had a gin gimlet?

- Yeah.
- How 'bout a gin rim-let?

How's that go?

I don't have to move!

Just flip around here.
All right so...

Hold on, baby.
- Mmm-hmm.

Instead of the ginsky going down
my tummy and through my bird,

it goes down my backside and
through my bum.

- 'Member the 20 gin gash?
- Yeah.

Let's just say I lost track of
about a dozen gin rim-lets.

Gailer, ain't none of this
gettin' a wee bit too kinky?

Nah.

Not the fuzzy peach
peter-pointer?

- Nuh-uh.
- Not even the 20 gin gash?

Won't knock it
'til I've tried it.

Not drinking a gin rim-let from
a stranger's butthole

'til her socks are soaked?

What? She left her socks on!
Ugh!

She left her f*ckin' socks on?
f*cking disgusting!

Don't leave your socks on.

Never leave your f*cking white
socks on! f*ck!

Later on, we'll tell
you about the bum rum.

- We did it, baby.
-

We always do it, baby.

What was the wager again?

If I win, I get a case of beer
from you,

if you win, you buy me
a case of beer.

What's up, Boo?

Tanis, how're ya now?

- Good and you?
- Not so bad.

Say,
Wouldy

inside the rink cleaning up
after a bunch of hockey guys,

or would you rather end your day
inside the rink

cleaning up after a bunch of
hockey guys?

- Pull the trigger.
- That's what Emma said.

- Who?
- Emma,

the bro-dude chick I'm banging.
- Here we go now.

- You ever drive truck?
- Sure.

Good, because if all else fails
you can always drive truck.

- f*ckin' bing-bang-boom.
- Did you ever drive boni?

Did I ever drive...?

- Zambo.
- Yeah, one more time.

I says did you ever drive
a Zamboni?

- An ice resurfacing machine?
- That's the ticket.

That line does not appear on
my resume.

Well, good news there, pumpkin,
if you can drive a truck,

you can drive boni.

What's that other term you used
there... zambo?

If you can drive a truck,
you can drive Zamboni.

Is that right?

I can do the flooding throughout
the day but I need somebody

to cover the first and last
flood for me.

- Why?
- The bro-dude chick

that I'm banging, she lives in
the city and I can't

be banging her if I'm flooding
the ice until 11 at night.

- No you can't.
- And then,

I can't be banging her again
in the morning

if I'm flooding the ice for
th.

- But it's your job.
- Bro!

Why d'you gotta be such
a f*ckin' Boy Scout?

Don't be such a f*cking
missionary.

- 'Kay.
- God.

You are such a f*cking square.

Well, it's always been my
favourite shape.

My f*ckin' eye.

A girl who looks like me tells
you she wants to bang

a girl who looks like her and
all you can say is,

Oh, now you paint
a mental picture.

Oh no, it's just that like,
I've been told

my voice's a wee bit nasally,
so when you said that,

I was kinda like, "Well that
does sound a wee bit like me."

- But it's your job.
- But it's your job...

Yeah, I guess I do kinda nail
it, eh?

It does sound a wee bit like me.

Okay, so I'm gonna get Shania
to do the first flood,

but can you cover me for
the last flood

so I can go mess this chick's
bed up?

When a friend asks for help,
you help 'em.

Thanks, Boo.

Well, it's a good thing I used
to drive truck.

Mm-hm. 'Cause if you can drive a
truck, you can drive boni.

I think I prefer
the term zambo.

Why, 'cause boni sounds
a little bit horny?

- A wee bit.
- You are so f*cking ho-hum.

Oh, I've been called worse.

You're like a belt and
suspenders.

Well, reliable and uplifting.

- How's that for ya?
- How's what for me?

- Being a f*cking dial tone.
- Oh, it's not too bad for me.

Come inside,
I'll show you the ropes.

You wanna know what, Tanis,
I just can't believe

you've been driving zambo.

What? Don't be so surprised.

You've seen me drive boni.

What the f*ck do you mean you
like hockey players now?

Was that unclear?

Let's try
a literal translation.

We like hockey players now.

You like hockey players now?

- Mmm. Mmm. Mmm.
- Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.

- Why?
- Their butts.

- But what about 2cock Chakur?
- Just 2cock.

You plateaued, babe.

We have 20,000 SoundCloud
subscribers.

You had 20,000 SoundCloud
subscribers months ago.

How many you got now?
- 20,000.

- Roald.
- Exactly, no growth.

You missed the boat, boys.
2cock Chakur was hot.

- Just 2cock.
- Roald!

But you didn't capitalize on
the heat.

- SoundCloud is so passé.
- Passé-off, Bianca-donk.

- Where's the Twitter following?
- Twitter is a cult.

Stewart's trying to get
verified.

The Tumblr, the IG,
the Snapchat, the VidVok.

- Vid?
- Vok!

That sh*t's for kids.

No it isn't.
That sh*t's entertaining.

Perhaps for enfants.

- Whatever, Roald.
- Whatever, Katy.

- Whatever, Roald.
- Whatever, Katy!

Hah! Last word.

- Whatever, Roald.
- What!

- Must be the butts, boys.
- Gotta be the butts, boys.

You're early.

If you're not ten minutes early,
you're late.

- Look at this mutant, eh?
-

Appears to be overexerting
himself.

- He's going places.
- Literally or figuratively?

Both actually, I got him shipped
up north to my cousin's team,

Senior Triple A, baby.

- Well, that was nice of you.

- I owed him one.
- What for?

He helped me win that 'ship with
the Eagles.

Now, you hold on one bell
pepper. What's his name?

- Shoresy.
- I heard of that dude.

Bit of a snake, isn't he?

Temporary glory is better
than no glory.

- Honesty is the best policy.
- Agh! f*ck you, dude.

Go sell bibles with
that bullshit.

Aren't bibles free?

You are such a pageant bitch
with your conduct.

Well, you know I like to set a
good example

for young people, Tanis.

You're a f*cking napkin.

You drive safe then.

Yeah, I gotta go lie on top of
this broad.

- I'll clean up.
- Thanks, Boo.

How late does he go?

'Til he can't anymore.

I like his work ethic.

If by the time
I get to this door

you haven't looked
at my ass once...

you've changed, man.

You've f*cking changed.

f*ckin' Samaritan.

You two handed me in the ankle.
Now you answer the bell.

Looks like you answered
to Taco Bell, Frankie,

one too many times.

Why don't you save some for
the rest of us,

you f*cking garburator.

Hey, il est Jean-Jaques Fracois
Jaques-Jean.

Eh, more like,
John-Joke Francois Joke-John

f*ckin' Jabba the Pizza Hut.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- f*ck you, Frankie.

I told 'em to put a bear trap
over by the dumpster

to keep you from rummaging
around in there.

Go back into the bush and eat
some berries

like you're supposed to.
- Tabarnak!

You're f*cking Winnie
the Pooh, bud, go put

some honey in your tummy.
- Câlisse.

Jesus Christ, take Christopher
Robin with you,

you f*cking loser.
- Sacrament!

Go back to the f*cking dessert
bar, you f*cking

Treatzza Pizza face.
- Vidange!

Jesus Christ, Frankie, you've
eaten 20 boxes

of apple fritters since
I saw you last.

Mix in a cinnamon twist,
you f*ckin' sumo.

Hey, what's the matter, Frankie?
.

What did you just remember it's
f*cking 2-for-1 dip cones

at DQ, you f*cking hippo?

Ah, oui, Frankie,
continue comme ca.

Enjoy that 20 pack of 'chickie
nuggles', you f*cking loser!

How the f*ck do we
get VidVok famous?

- Don't shout at me, skid.
- Please!

Don't shout at her, skid.

I beseech you,
express in words...

what are the kids into
these days?

- Are you funny?
- Unintentionally.

That's what
I go to VidVok for,

a quick, mindless laugh.

We require an alternate
course of action.

Well, I go for the dancing.
Youse know how to dance, so...

do that and you'll be VidVok
famous in a 'minnow'.

We dance for the soul,
not the spectacle!

Well, what are you good at?

-
- Very little.

Geez, it's like
pulling hens' teeth.

- Hens don't have teeth!
- Holy f*ck.

If we lack the adequacy to plug
into an existing trend,

then we must forge
our own.

Good luck. VidVok's got nutsacks
doing every damn thing.

Not... every damn thing.

What do you wanna
do, Stewart?

The only thing that
we are truly good at, Roald.

Stewart...

♪ ...This, this, this, this,
this, this, this ♪

♪ Do this... do this...
do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this,
do this, do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Do this, do this,
do this forever ♪


♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Do this ♪

♪ Do this ♪

♪ Do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

♪ Can do this, do this,
do this forever ♪

Yo. Can you teach Axe and Slash
how to drive boni?

Uh?

Can you teach Axe and Slash how
to drive boni?!

- Zambo...
- Please.

- Which leg did you break?
- I wish it was my leg.

I'm breaking my back banging
this broad.

I gotta pass the buck here.

- But it's your job.
- (As .

- What? You sound just like him.
- I know.

She does sound quite a bit
like me.

- f*ck, more than a drill bit.
- I'd do it for you.

I do believe you would.

- Thanks, Boo.
- Enjoy yourself.

He's gotta be done soon.

- Another 30 minutes at least.
- What an animal.

Well!
Youse ever drive truck?

Brought three with you
this time, eh, you fat f*ck?

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- Jesus Christ, Frank,

you've eaten so many honey
glazed doughnuts,

you're starting to f*cking look
like one.

- Hey!
- They should call you

Jean-Jaques Fracois
Jelly-Doughnut.

Tabarnak!

f*cking Jean-Jaques Fracois
Extra Frosting Jaques-Jean.

- f*ck you, Shoresy.
- JJ Fritter JJ.

Times up.

f*cking finish chewing
your honey cruller before

you speak, Frank. You're making
a f*cking fool of yourself.

Do you not know what's
ahead of you here?

Well, I know
what's behind ya!

♪ Don't need your... ♪

♪ I gotta live with you inside
my mind ♪

♪ Inside! My mind! ♪

♪ And when I look, I don't need
to b*at you up ♪

♪ I gotta live with you inside
my mind ♪

♪ Inside! My mind! ♪

♪ Inside! ♪

♪ My mind... ♪

- Alycat! Alycat!
- What?

- You, uh, check VidVok lately?
- For what?

Oh, I don't know.

- I don't know. Do you know?
- Do you know? I don't know.

Maybe a little Letterkenny
col?

- Just 2cock.
- Roald, if they're looking

for it on the app it actually
has to be 2cock Chakur.

I know, but if they're just
saying it out loud, I feel-

- 2cock Chakur?
- Just 2cock.

- Banned.
- Yeah, it's a band.

20,000 followers on SoundCloud.

She means you're banned
from VidVok.

- What?
- What?

- You're banned, hon.
What?

"2cock Chakur is banned from
VidVok for violating

"VidVok's policies and rules."
Do anything illegal?

- Snooters.
- Illegal.

Yeah, but they're
recreational snooters.

No matter, Reilly and Jonesy are
blowing up on there.

Reilly and Jonesy... on VidVok!

For what?

Oh, we just went around town and
did that thing with our butts.

Now, remind me again, which
thing--

- Roald.
- You know that thing,

where we yank our shorts up
into our, uh...

Should we just show him?
- Yeah, buddy.

Yeah.

Ready?
- Yeah.

You got famous
for that?

Well yeah.

I mean, there's more to it than
meets the eye, boys.

Yeah. Hired a cinematographer
and a sound engineer,

and we really
got it finessed.

- Oh...
- The cinematographer and

the sound engineer are
technically the same person.

- Skeleton crew, boys.
- Yeah,

he's just by billet brother,

but he went to Humber College,
so he's got it dialled.

- You wanna see?
- Yeah!

- Roald.
- Cool.

- Check it.
- Number one.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I came for the love ♪

And this is
number two.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I came for the love ♪

And last, but not least,
number three.

See this one really shows
our range, boys.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I came for the love ♪

This is a grotesquery.

I told you I'd do butt stuff
for VidVok, but no.

Roald!

We learned there's a butt video
for every season, boys.

It's a super seasonal
concept, boys.

In that it will be over soon.
There's no longevity in this.

We beg to differ. Once they
build up their VidVok audience

to say...
- A milly.

Once they build up their VidVok
audience to a milly,

we'll get 'em going on Cameo.

Is your brother, sister, friend,
friend's brother's brother

or friend's brother's sister
celebrating a birthday,

anniversary, graduation
or brit milah?

Congratulate them with a
personalized shoutout from...

- He's Jonesy.
- And he's Reilly.

And once we build their audience
across all platforms,

we'll get them going
on OnlyFans.

Huge money on OnlyFans.

House buying money
on OnlyFans.

But please, by all means, keep
hitting the pavement doing

whatever it is you were doing to
get you banned from VidVok.

Buying you those roller blades
first though, buddy.

Ooh! Should we got for a quick
blade right now, buddy?

Good idea. They can do a
video in their roller blades.

Brilliant!

- Stewart?
- Roald.

Not all is lost.

We could still show them
the ones we had banked

for our rollout.

No, no one's impressed,
Roald.

You impressed me.

We did? I mean.

I did?
- Stewart?

- You did.
- Wondrous.

With the stupidest,
most recklessly irresponsible,

gnarly-ass sh*t you two have
thought of by f*ckin' far.

Go on.

We've got enough kids with
problems in this town.

What do you think they'd do if
they saw you guys doing that?

- Follow us.
- Monkey see, monkey do.

-
- Come here.

You come here.

Come... here.

You come--

It's not worth it, Stewart.
Not worth it.

- How're you know?
- Good, and you?

Not so bad.

Look at this.

♪ Ah ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ Ah ♪

♪ I came for the love ♪

Outstanding.

It's your
last night, Boo.

- Why?
- He's out. Leaving town.

- Heading up north?
- Why? You gonna miss him?

I like his work ethic.

Thank you for all your help.

I can handle it now that I don't
have to stick around

and watch him skate until he
pukes.

- But it's your job.
- But it's your job.

- Well.
- Later.

All right.

♪ I might step out
of my life ♪

♪ I see no reason why ♪

♪ I might continue ♪

♪ I have this dream that keeps
coming back for me ♪

♪ On a sunny
summer day ♪

♪ Humanity's erased ♪

♪ There we lay
in the park... ♪

Good luck up north.

♪ The sky begins
to spin ♪

♪ The world gets sucked right
into a bubble ♪

♪ I might step out
of my life ♪

ee no reason why ♪

♪ I might continue ♪

♪ I might step into
the light ♪

♪ I see no reason why ♪

♪ I might continue ♪

♪ I might step out
of my life ♪

♪ I see no reason why... ♪
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