11x04 - A Lawman's Lot is Not a Happy One

[bunniefuu]

Ben, you're sure we can get back
in at least two weeks now, ain't you?

Oh, of course.
Quit worrying, Roy.

The San Francisco court
has the trial scheduled.

Shouldn't take more than a couple
of days, not with your testimony.

I'm always glad to
help out, you know that.

Especially as you're
paying all expenses!

Yeah, well, this will be worth it just to
get those timber sharks behind bars.

I know what you mean.

Hiram!

Where in the blazes is
that westbound stage at?

Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

The, the uh...

the stage... stagecoach.

Well, it's late... Oh.

Oh, don't tell me
something I already know.

- What's got into you, anyway?
- Huh?

You're as nervous as a
polecat in a perfume factory.

Here she comes, Roy!

A lovely town, eh, Fairfax?

- If you say so, sir.
- I do say so.

- May I assist you, ma'am?
- Thank you kindly.

- Hoss!
- Ah, Pa, how are you?

Pa, I'd like you to meet Mr. Forbes.
Mr. Forbes, my Pa, Ben Cartwright.

A pleasure, Mr. Cartwright,
a great pleasure.

- Mr. Forbes.
- Pa, this is Miss Cissie Summers.

How do you do?

Miss Summers.

There is an adequate hostelry?

- Hm?
- Oh, of course, of course.

- Just up the street, the Palace Hotel.
- Thank you.

- Fairfax!
- Coming, sir.

A fine fella, fine
gentleman indeed.

Oh, no finer than
you, Mr. Cartwright.

The way you protected
me against that uncouth lout!

There was to have been someone to
meet me, a Mr. Peabody, Hiram Peabody?

Oh, Hiram? Well,
ma'am, he ain't far away.

He's right behind you,
right there in the stage office.

He is?

Yeah!

- Right in there?
- Right in there.

Oh, dear.

I'm sorry to do this to you,
Ben, but I can't go after all.

What do you mean
you can't go with me?

Without you there I don't stand
a chance of winning the case.

I want to go, but I just can't
leave this town without any law.

Well, you hired that deputy
from Placerville, didn't you?

I ought to know,
I'm paying his salary.

You're supposed to be paying his salary,
and he's supposed to be on this stage.

But he ain't. He let me down.

Because of that you're
gonna let me down.

Ben, I don't want to,
but I have no choice.

With Clem out of town, there's no
other sheriff to watch over things.

I think I got the answer, but I
gotta ask one more question.

His name, by chance,
wasn't Roscoe Willard, was it?

Do you know him?

Well, we, uh...

We became briefly
acquainted, yeah, Pa.

Got a little brisk
there toward the end.

Last time I seen him, he was
walking back to Placerville.

He wasn't in too good a shape.

Well, that's fine. Oh,
that's real fine, Hoss.

I'm not about to ask
the why or wherefore,

but because of what
happened, whatever it was,

Sheriff Coffee can't go
with me to San Francisco,

and I stand to lose a rather
considerable sum of money

to a bunch of timber thieves.

And you b*at up
on Roscoe Willard.

I guess he ain't as tough as
his reputation makes out to be.

Oh, he's tough all right, Roy,

but when my ire
gets all worked up, I...

I reckon I was a
match for him, all right.

Yeah, you're a match for him.

Yeah.

Yeah, you would be a
match for him, wouldn't you?

Roy?

Yeah. Hoss, raise
your right hand, please.

Aw, wait a minute now, I
ain't gonna be no sheriff, Pa.

- Raise your right hand.
- Aw, Pa...

Raise your right hand.

- Pa, I...
- Raise it.

I do.

Mr. Cartwright!

I didn't know you were
sheriff of Virginia City.

I didn't either, Miss
Summers. I didn't either.

Hey! Did you find Hiram?

No, I didn't. He's not in
his office like you said.

Well, that's funny.

Well, no need to fret. He's
around here someplace.

Old Hiram's one of our
most dependable citizens.

Well, I knew he would
be. Do you know him well?

Hiram? Oh, shucks, ma'am!

Everybody in town
knows Hiram. Fine fella.

He don't drink or cuss or
do none of them bad things.

Goes to church every Sunday,
sings in the choir, second tenor.

You don't know how good you
make me feel, Mr. Cartwright.

I mean, Sheriff!

You see, I just wouldn't marry him if
he weren't all those things you said.

Marry him?

You and...?

You and old Hiram? You...
You gonna get married?

Ha! Well, I'll be dad-b*rned. You
talk like you ain't even met him!

I haven't exactly!

Oh, no, we've
corresponded for over a year,

and one thing led to another

and finally he wrote to me and
asked me to come west and be his wife!

He's a mighty
lucky fella, ma'am.

But where can he be?

Aw, he's... probably just gone
on an errand or something.

He'll be back directly.

I'm so anxious to meet him.

In the meantime, I'd
best get a hotel room.

- Would you help me with my luggage?
- Oh, sure thing, ma'am.

- Which one of these is yours?
- All of them!

All of them?

I can certainly see why they
made you sheriff, Mr. Cartwright.

Yeah.

I bet nobody'd ever try to
put anything over on you.

It ain't too easy!

Well, Mr. Cartwright, I didn't know
you were sheriff of Virginia City!

Mr. Forbes, I wasn't until
just a few minutes ago.

Remember that big fella on
the stage? Well, never mind.

I want you to meet
some gentlemen.

This is Mr. Green, and
this is Judge Franklin.

This here's my little brother,
Joseph, and this is Candy.

This is Mr. Forbes. He
came in on the stagecoach.

Cattlemen, ranchers. I'd have known
it even if Mr. Cartwright hadn't told me.

And you two are
gentlemen of commerce.

- You, sir, finance.
- Why, yes. I happen to be a banker.

Yes, I know. You
have that look, integrity.

- You're a merchant?
- Why, yes.

I am a judge but I also own the Virginia
City Mercantile. How did you know?

Ah! My little secret,
sir. Bartender!

Round for the house, and
a bottle for me, the finest.

What brings you to Virginia City,
Mr. Forbes? Business? Pleasure?

Oh, a bit of
both, a bit of both.

It's certainly nice
to have you here.

It's an honor to have a gentleman
of your quality visit Virginia City.

Thank you.

- Clumsy dolt!
- I'm terribly sorry.

Uh, gentlemen, I must ask you
to forget what you have just seen!

Hm. Of course.

I've been asking all over
town. Nobody's seen Hiram.

His office is locked up.
You've got to help me.

- Uh, me, ma'am?
- Well, you're the sheriff, aren't you?

Yeah, I reckon I am.

I don't feel very sheriffy at the
moment, though, Miss Summers.

Oh, call me Cissie. I'd feel
much more comfortable, Sheriff.

Well, just call me
Hoss. So would I, ma'am.

Then, you'll do
something? You'll help me?

Ma'am, there ain't no use
in getting all frazzled up.

Old Hiram's probably just out
running an errand in town somewhere.

Oh, Sher... I mean, Hoss!

You're just a big old fuzzy bear
when it comes to boosting a girl's spirits!

Now, look, Miss
Summers, Cissie, I...

Why don't you just run on back to
the hotel and I'll round old Hiram up

and get him all spruced up.

I don't care about that.
I just want to meet him.

His letters were so strong.

Just reading his wonderful
words, I knew he was my man!

Yeah, well I'll round
him up for you, ma'am.

I'm going to insist that Hiram choose
you as his best man. That's a promise.

Aw, thank you, ma'am.

Good day.

Phew! That was close!

Hiram! What in tarnation
are you doing under there?

Well, I was waiting
here for you,

and when she come in I just barely
made it into the desk before she saw me.

Oh, my! What a narrow escape!

Hiram! That little Miss
Summers is a sweet little lady.

If I thought for one minute
that you were fiddling around...

I swear, Hoss, I didn't!

It was just so easy to
write all them letters!

Oh!

Overdid it, huh? Told
her you were six-two?

Six-three! And
rich! And handsome!

And that's why
you're hiding from her?

I'm weak and paunchy!

Besides, I'm not
ready for marriage!

Babies! Diapers!
Responsibilities!

Yeah, all bridegrooms
are alike. You'll get over it.

There's only one way out of
this. You've got to put me in jail.

If she thinks I'm a criminal, she
won't have nothing to do with me!

Oh, Hiram! You a criminal,
in jail? Why, that's ridiculous!

My job is putting people
in jail that are real criminals,

that really break the law!

All right, then! Then I'll
just have to break the law.

And I can't think of a better way
to start than by attacking the sheriff!

Now, you put up your dukes!

Aw, Hiram!

Hiram!

No doubt now, is there, Judge?

You'll notice it's my
property they're looking over.

Ah, drat! I wish I'd
bought it from you last year

when you was offering
it to me for 5,000.

Don't suppose that
offer is still open, is it?

No, the price has just gone up.

Way up!

I'm a ring-tailed coyote
and it's my day to howl!

Hiram.

Lock me up, Sheriff,
before I sh**t somebody!

He coulda blown our heads off.
Look at the damage he's done.

- He'll pay for it.
- You bet he'll pay for it.

Give him 30 days
to think about it!

I'm the sheriff, and I'll decide
what's gonna be done with him.

I'm gonna take him home,
pump some coffee down him

and give him some talking to.

Talking to? What kind
of a sheriff are you?

I demand that you punish
this, this... this boob!

So do I, and I know my rights!

Of course you do,
Hiram. Come on!

I ain't going home,
and you can't make me.

- Hiram, I'm sure gonna try!
- Hey!

- Here, Hiram.
- Huh?

Gulp that down, then
go home and sleep it off!

I'll make up some
excuse to Miss Cissie.

You bring her in here now!

Let her see what a no-good
drunken bum I really am!

She'll go home a wiser girl!

Hiram, things will appear
a lot differently tomorrow

after you've shaped up,
and you're gonna shape up!

Cause you're gonna meet her
tomorrow, whether you like it or not!

Meet her tomorrow?

But Hoss! Wait!
I'm not gonna like it!

Oh, gee! I'm sorry, ma'am.

I was reading the paper and
didn't see your parasol there.

Oh! Oh!

Are you looking for someone?

Oh, you must be...

Joe, yeah.

Joe?

Yeah. My friends
call me Little Joe.

Huh?

Oh, let me take that for you.

- Sheriff! Sheriff!
- Hey!

- Hey!
- Sheriff!

Sheriff!

Sheriff!

Sheriff! Sheriff!

Sheriff!

Sheriff!

Sheriff...! Please will
you arrest this masher?

Ma'am, that ain't a masher.
That's my little brother, Joseph.

Now, give her back
her umbrella, Joe!

Well, he certainly is forward!

Yes, ma'am, he is. Sometimes so
much so he falls right on his face,

always putting his
mouth in his foot!

- That's "foot in his mouth."
- Well, you'd know about those things.

Anyhow, Joseph, this
is Miss Cissie Summers.

- She's engaged to Hiram Peabody!
- It's a real pleasure to meet you.

Well, you're forgiven,
Mr. Cartwright.

Oh, thank you.

I can't stay mad at the brother
of my big old fuzzy bear sheriff!

Uh... did you say,
"big old fuzzy bear"?

Just cut it out, Joe.
That's enough. Cut it out!

Don't worry. I'm not
gonna tell anybody.

Just a few close friends,
five or six, Pa, Candy.

See ya, Fuzz!

Oh, I shouldn't have said that,
Hoss. I've embarrassed you!

Aw, that's all right, ma'am. He's
always razzing me about something.

Now, more important
things. I found Hiram.

Yeah, he just had some legal
matters he had to attend to.

Oh, of course, he wants to
take care of all his business

so that we can
enjoy our honeymoon!

Wonderful man! I just knew
he'd be the thoughtful kind!

Yeah, he's, uh... He's
doing a little thinking, all right.

You'll get to meet
him in the morning.

My knight in shining armor!

Yeah. He'll be home all
night shining his armor!

What?

A toast to these dear ladies

for their kindness
to a stranger!

Fairfax!

Uh, yes, sir! I shall
remedy that at once, sir!

It is our pleasure, Mr. Forbes.

When we planned this picnic it
was so you wouldn't be a stranger.

When we found that you were
going to build a resort... Oh!

Gentlemen, I thought you were going
to forget what you were not meant to see!

We did. That is, we didn't
tell anybody but our wives.

Not another soul, and
they won't tell anyone.

We saw you out there
surveying that land.

Uh... we were just riding by.

Since you're
interested in that area,

we thought, uh, it'd be a good
time now to have a talk about it!

To be blunt, Mr. Forbes, we'd
like to invest in your project.

Yes, I'll even take
stock for the land.

Uh... I was asking
25,000 for that tract, but...

Yes, I'll take
20,000 in stock...

Sorry! My firm is backed by a
syndicate of Kansas City bankers.

We are amply financed and we
will absolutely not sell any stock.

Well, it seems to me that you would want
local people to invest in your project.

That way, the
people of Virginia City

would want you to
succeed and would help!

Hm, yes, well, that is
a valid point. Uh-huh.

Yes, I will need the
cooperation of the local bankers.

- Fairfax!
- Yes, sir.

Yes, yes.

Local investments, huh? Well, I'll
have to have time to think that over.

I'll give you my
answer in the morning.

In any case, you will all be my
guests at the opening night party.

Fine food, two orchestras
from Paris, France!

Champagne, brandy.

- Fairfax.
- Yes, sir.

And when I have finished this resort
hotel, I shall go on to greater things.

To San Francisco,
Sandwich Islands.

Perhaps even China!

- Fairfax.
- Yes, sir.

It is my ambition to build
a chain of resort hotels,

circling the globe like
a glittering necklace.

Fairfax.

Yes, sir. If I may say so sir,

there are pressing matters at the
hotel awaiting your attention immediately.

Ah, yes, sir. Yes, sir.

Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Yes.

Pressing matters,
yes. Pressing matters.

Just a moment, please.

Thank you very much.

Don't forget, burn the
trousers and you pay for them.

Well, after a day like this, I
could do with some brandy.

After destroying the wine
at the picnic? I think not.

Another drink and you would
have built a hotel on the moon!

Those two chuckleheads would
have bought some stock there.

On the contrary, you could
have spoiled everything!

Those two chuckleheads
are rich, important men.

They lead,
Virginia City follows.

And another thing, you
were ad-libbing again.

From now on, you say the lines I
wrote for you and not another word!

Uh... just a little drink?

After you polish my boots, memorize
your speech for tomorrow, maybe!

"My syndicate is convinced that your
crystal pure meadows and green..."

"Green meadows
and crystal pure air!"

Oh, yes, sir.

"My syndicate is convinced that your
green meadows and crystal pure air..."

- Just a little drink?
- Not yet.

Out, out! Out!

- I'll k*ll myself!
- And I'll work you over good if you do.

I promised Miss Cissie you're gonna meet
her in the morning and you're going to.

You're the law! You're
supposed to protect me!

Hiram! That's enough! Out!

"Wanted!

Madam Marove, bunco
games, fraud and swindling

in Texas, Arizona,
and California."

Hm!

"$10,000 reward for
m*rder, Art Merklin."

"Wanted for horse stealing,
Millie Barker, $100..."

Hi, Sheriff!

Howdy, boys.

Hey, we just saw Hiram run outta
here like his coattail was on fire.

- What'd you do?
- Yeah, well, I...

I had to send old
Hiram along home.

Your voice is a lot deeper
now that you're the sheriff!

It is?

It is?

You know, speaking of going home, we're
heading back. You want to ride with us?

Well, I'd like to, boys, but
the weight of the badge,

the responsibility of my
town, I gotta stay here with it.

It's heavy, I know.

It's a shame, too, because you're
gonna to miss a fantastic meal!

Hop Sing has done
a wonderful job.

He's making a whole mess of
chicken and dumplings and... Oh!

Well, you're both gonna miss it if
you don't get out and leave me alone.

- I got things to do.
- Yeah, better let you get back.

- Thanks for the protection.
- Yeah. Feel safe.

See you later, Hoss.

Good night, you big
old fuzzy bear, you!

- I don't believe it!
- You are. You're a big old fuzzy bear.

- No, no, I mean this!
- Don't believe what?

You know that nice gentleman
Mr. Forbes? Rode in on the stage with me?

Yeah, that's a real
nice man. What about it?

I think I gotta arrest him!

Of course you gotta arrest him.
You're the sheriff, aren't you?

What?

There it is, the
projected new hotel.

My syndicate is convinced that your
green meadows and crystal pure air...

will bring floods of the wealthy from
the smoke-clogged cities of the east.

Uh, now then, who's first?

Yeah.

I'll take $100
worth of that stock.

- There you are, sir.
- Thank you.

$1,000.

There you are! $1,000
worth of certificates

that will be worth double
in no more than a year.

Mr. Green will deposit
the money in my account.

$300.

Here you are, sir.

$300.

100.

Mr. Forbes...

This is a stickup!

Reach for the sky or taste lead!

Didn't you hear me?
I said this is a stickup!

Yeah, yeah, I heard you, Hiram.

- Well, I confess, I did it.
- Did what? What?

Peabody, have you
completely lost your mind?

Yesterday, he sh*t up the saloon
and you refused to arrest him.

Maybe now you're
convinced he's a criminal!

Yeah, you heard him. Arrest me.

Oh, Hiram, give me those
things before you hurt somebody.

Hiram, you're making
a fool out of yourself.

But, Hoss, you
gotta put me in jail.

- I ain't gonna do no such a thing.
- Aw, Hoss.

Mr. Forbes...

We realize that you're only
a temporary sheriff, Hoss,

but I'm certain
that you understand

that attempted bank
robbery is a serious crime.

Hiram here had no intention
of robbing your bank!

Hiram, come on.

Get up from there and go on home
and no more shenanigans, you hear?

But, Hoss, you've
gotta lock me up!

- I'm a masked menace!
- Of course he is!

I am the one that has to decide
what punishment goes with what crime.

And in Hiram's particular case,

the punishment is to
NOT be locked up in jail.

Hiram, you break
that little lady's heart

and I'll break every bone
in your body, you hear me?

Get that silly thing off your face
and go on home and behave yourself.

Go on.

In all my days I have never seen
such a rank miscarriage of justice!

Scot free! I can't believe it!

Dereliction of duty,
that's what it is!

With Cartwright for a sheriff,
every crook in the country

has a license to
rob and cheat us.

That ain't true, Mr. Franklin.

As a matter of fact, I came
here to arrest a real criminal.

A rotten no-good-for-nothing,
dirty, thieving scoundrel,

one who is ready
to really skin you!

You're under arrest,
Mr. Forbes. I'm taking you to jail.

Let me see this!

There's not even a mention of a
Cavendish Forbes, not even a picture!

You've got nothing to go by.

Nah? Nothing to stand on, huh?

No picture, huh?

Well, there's a description
here. Listen to this.

It says here that
Farthingill Frobish,

or whatever name he was
using at that time, is six feet high.

Stand up, Mr. Forbes.

It goes on to say that he weighs
200-plus pounds and is "stout".

And that's pretty obvious.

I do hope, sir, that
you're not going to allow

the misguided zeal of
this inexperienced lawman

to spoil your relationship
with our community?

I'm certain you can show
him the error of his ways.

To err is human,
to forgive divine.

I'm gonna do the
human thing this time.

The divine can wait until I get a
message back from Butte Montana.

I done telegraphed that sheriff
about you, sir, and you're under arrest.

Come along, Mr. Forbes.

Why, this is an outrage!

At least you can wait
until you get your answer,

which I am certain will
completely clear Mr. Forbes.

And which I am certain will
give him time to skip out of town

with all money
he's collected, too.

Not a chance! You're
the one that told me

that my job was to protect the community
and that's exactly what I'm doing.

Now, come along,
Mr. Forbes, you're under arrest.

If I am not released with an hour, I
shall cancel the plans for the hotel.

Come on, Fairfax!

I'm sorry, sir, but
the duties of a valet

do not include the
humility of durance vile.

I'm sure that the
jail is very filthy,

so do be careful
with your trousers, sir.

Come along, Mr. Forbes.

Mr. Cartwright, you
haven't heard the last of this!

Not by a long sh*t!

Hoss! Well, you sure got
this whole town in an uproar.

When you botch things
up, you botch them up good.

You got any idea what Forbes'
hotel would mean to this town?

Yes, I do, Joseph.

Do you have any idea
what it would do for this town

if he absconded with all the funds
that he's stolen, including Candy's $100?

You see, they'd
blame me for that, too.

All right, suit yourself. I've
heard of towns where a lynch mob

comes to a jail and
pulls a prisoner out,

but it's gonna be the first time
I've seen them pull the sheriff out!

Joseph, you run along.

I am perfectly capable of handling
any situation that might arise here.

Except that one!
Handle it for me!

- Where is the sheriff?
- We want to see him immediately!

- Girls!
- Mr. Forbes, help is coming!

Mr. Cartwright, I want you to
open that cell door immediately!

Mrs. Green, I have no
intentions of doing no such thing.

Oh, we are well aware of
your stupidity on that score,

but we have no intention
of disobeying the law.

But there is no law that says
that that poor persecuted man

cannot be allowed a
few of the comforts of life.

Now, where are the keys?

I will not be intimidated
by a bunch of...

- Keys? Here you are.
- Oh, thank you.

Come along, girls, Mr. Fairfax.

- Joseph, you rot...
- Sheriff, give us a hand!

Nice.

Lovely, ladies.
Absolutely lovely.

Your generosity has warmed
the cockles of my heart.

Dear Mr. Forbes!

We wanted you to know that every decent
person in Virginia City is behind you,

excepting one
misguided creature,

a fool who allows known
criminals to run rampant

while he harasses
a fine gentleman.

We hope you haven't
changed your mind.

Well, in the face of Mr. Cartwright's
insult to my integrity, I must confess,

I did consider looking
for some... friendlier town.

However, how can I refuse you?
You ladies have been so gracious.

Yes, I will continue
to sell stocks.

Anyone who wants to buy
stocks, I will do business right here.

- Pass the word along, Fairfax.
- If you say so, sir.

Be very careful
of the trousers, sir.

I think you're making a
mistake about this Forbes fella.

Look, if he knew the jig
was up, if he was a con man,

he wouldn't keep selling
stock while he's in jail.

Joe, I know exactly what
I'm doing. I can handle it.

All right. You know best.

I just wonder what the
penalty is for false arrest.

For the third time today, there
ain't no answer to your telegram.

Not that there's any doubt
what it'll be, Cartwright.

You used to call me Hoss.

That's before you almost ruined
the sweetest setup this town ever had.

Hi, Lee.

Irving, Norman.

Sheriff Cartwright?

Oh, hi, Miss Summers.

I thought you were
going to find Hiram for me.

You mean he hasn't...?

Well, you see, ma'am,
I've been terribly busy...

No. He doesn't want to see me.

Or he has seen me and
he's changed his mind.

And I sold my millinery
shop and I came out here.

I thought I was
going to be married.

Now...

Oh, ma'am, don't be upset.

Why, there's lots
of fish in the ocean.

Maybe.

What's a woman my
age going to use for bait?

I generally wait to deliver
night wires in the morning,

but I know you're
anxious to read this one.

From the expression on your
face, Elbert, I don't think I am.

I don't imagine you are, but I
rather savor the words myself.

"From Sheriff A.J. Mulligan."

Yeah, yeah, what does it
say? Just tell me what is says.

"Sylvester Cromwell was
apprehended by me six months ago.

He stood trial and was sent to
territorial prison for ten years."

Thanks a lot, Elbert.

Thanks so much.

I should never have let him go,
Joe. The man's a crook and I know it.

Stop worrying about it
and eat some chicken.

Hop Sing fixed it special
for you. It's fantastic.

- I ain't hungry.
- Well, you got to eat something.

Dad burn it! Joe, I only
did what I thought was right!

Everybody knows that. They didn't
expect that much from a weekend sheriff.

- Have some chicken.
- Look here.

This wanted poster described Forbes
right down to the clothes he wears.

Well, maybe this Forbes and this Frobish
fellow had the same tailor, who knows?

Yeah. It says here he even
travels with his own valet.

What's a valet?

"Val-et?" No "va-let."
That's a manservant.

Oh, a manservant?

Mm-hm. Ain't nothing
unusual about that.

When a man's got a lot of money
he can afford himself a manservant.

No matter how much money he
has, he can't afford this kind of chicken.

Just going to lunch, Cartwright!

That's Sheriff Cartwright,
and don't you forget it.

I won't have to remember
long, the way things are going.

Yeah? You get this
telegraph sent off pronto

or you ain't gonna be a
telegrapher long neither.

Boy!

Oh, boy! You don't know
when you're licked, do you?

All right.

All right. I'll send it.

I'll send it.

Where you been? You left this
place like a tornado hit or something?

I'm ready for some
chicken now...

- Does that do it?
- That does it!

Praise be!

I'd rather have this one!

Hey, Sheriff, you go on back over to
the hotel and bring Cissie over here.

When she sees me like
this, maybe she'll go away.

And I'll pay for the
lamp, of course.

You bet ya, you will, and you're
gonna stay in there, 30 days.

- 30 days?
- That's right.

Hey, Sheriff? What if she won't
go away? Can you make it 60?

Yes, this is the exact spot
on which the hotel will be built.

Thank you, ma'am.

Fairfax, give the
lady her bonds.

How are you, sir?
Good to see you.

May I be of assistance, sir?

I'm Elbert Higgins,
telegraph operator.

If you say so, sir.

I'm not supposed
to do this, but...

Cartwright sent this
telegram a while back.

I think it's just terrible, the
way he picks on fine Mr. Forbes.

Uh... With your permission, I
shall bring this to my master.

You let him know
I brought you this.

He'll remember me. I
bought $50 worth of stock.

Of course he'll remember you.

He likes to see
young men get ahead.

His only wish is to take... make
the world a much better place.

If you say so, sir.

Excuse me, sir.

Pardon me.

- Judge Franklin, Mr. Green.
- Yes, Mr. Forbes.

You have a most efficient
telegraph operator, gentlemen.

I just received a message
from my syndicate in Kansas City

- that dictates my immediate return.
- Not trouble?

Oh, no, indeed. They're more anxious
than ever to get construction under way.

I'm afraid that a good
many of your good friends

will have to wait for my
return to purchase their stock.

I shall, of course, take the money
that's already been invested with me,

in cash.

All cash, Mr. Forbes?

Why, there's over 100,000.

Won't a bank draft do?

Well, I'm afraid I will find it rather
difficult to convince my syndicate

to share in the profits with
any of you good people.

Now, cash talks.

A bank draft drawn on a bank unknown
to them might make them hesitate.

Makes sense, Green.

Of course it does! You think
I'm inexperienced in finance?

I'll get it ready
for you right away.

Fairfax, find out what time
the eastbound stage leaves.

I already know, sir.

In two hours. Three o'clock.

Thank you, gentlemen. Just take it
all over to the stage office, please.

Hello, Miss Summers. Looks
like you're leaving us, huh?

The sooner the better.

Since I've been here, Hiram
Peabody hasn't shown his face once.

Well, it'd be pretty
hard for him. He's in jail.

Right over there.

- What?
- He's in jail.

So, that's where
he's been hiding?

Oh, and your conniving brother
has been in on it all this time?

Oh! Pretending to be my friend?

Wait till I get ahold of him.

Well, a lawman's lot
is not a happy one.

- Hear anything yet?
- No.

And why don't you
quit pestering me?

Dad burn it! There's been
plenty of time for an answer.

That stage is gonna
leave in five minutes!

Well, now, ain't that a shame?

As if anything was gonna
come of your telegram anyway!

Well... that might be it, as if it
was gonna do you any good.

Elbert, can't you
move a little faster?

I'm moving fast as I can!

I'm ruined!

My life's savings!

My friends, my good friends.

I shall return shortly
to build the hotel,

which will bring great
wealth to your fair city.

The sooner we leave, the sooner
I'll return. Move along, driver.

- You're under arrest, the both of you.
- I beg your pardon, sir!

- You bungling boob!
- Cartwright, you leave them alone!

They're crooks and
I'm locking them up.

Tell him, sir, tell him that if he
doesn't release you immediately

there'll be no hotel
built in Virginia City.

If you don't release
us immediately

there will be no hotel
built in Virginia City.

Did you hear that, Cartwright?
You're gonna be mighty...

You wretch! You...!

You lying popinjay!

You Casanova!

You mailbox Romeo, you...!

You're beautiful.

You are through, Cartwright,

and unless you want to
get yourself b*at to a pulp

you're going to
apologize to Mr. Forbes.

Mr. Forbes?

- Fairfax?
- Mr. Forbes?

- Well, where's Mr. Forbes?
- Where could they be?

Strange, ain't it?

There's an explanation.
Mr. Forbes is no crook! He is...

He is a crook!
Mr. Forbes is a crook!

But he ain't the main one. That's
what I been trying to tell you.

It's Fairfax! He's the main
crook! He's the brains.

He hires them dummies,
puts them clothes on 'em,

makes them say what
he wants 'em to say,

then when all the suckers get
wise, and start putting them in jail,

Fairfax walks quietly out
of town with the money.

Give me the bag. I stand
a better chance alone.

- We can meet up later.
- No, you don't.

You said that to the last
man that wore these pants

and he was in jail
for a year and a half!

Come back, you thief!

Hey, wait, wait.
Where are they going?

I got a feeling there
goes your $100.

Not my $100!

- I'll cut them off!
- Right.

Come back! Come back, you crook.

- Moreover...
- I'll handle this.

If you knew they were crooks,
why'd you let 'em get away?

Why did I?

As district judge, I order
you to go after them.

Nail them, Sheriff! Well,
what are you waiting for?

Mr. Franklin... Judge Franklin, you
seem to forget I ain't the sheriff no more.

- Mr. Green done took my badge!
- Well, let's go get him ourselves.

Are you going to let this turn
into a vigilante town, Cartwright?

Now, you were
made acting sheriff

and no one can take your
badge away except myself.

- If you don't go after them I will.
- But Your Honor...

Your Honor? Your Honor?

Judge Franklin?

Judge...

C'mon!

It was the least we could do!

- We're proud of you!
- It was the least I could do, folks.

Do you, Hiram Peabody, take Cissie
Summers as your lawful wedded wife?

- I do.
- The ring, please?

- The ring!
- Oh!

Place the ring on her finger,
please, and repeat after me.

With this ring, I do thee wed.

With this ring, I do thee wed.

I now pronounce you man
and wife. You may kiss the bride.

Hey, Sheriff, how long you
gonna to keep me in here, anyhow?

30 days.

Next time you hit
somebody, don't hit the judge!