04x04 - The Wedding of Dan and Louise

[bunniefuu]

The wedding is tomorrow

and the bridesmaids' dresses
aren't even here yet.

The florist says that they're
out of baby's breath

and he's gonna replace it
with eucalyptus,

which is gonna make the entire church

smell like cough medicine.

Oh, and after our ceremony,
there's a funeral,

so there is gonna be a casket
off to the side

reminding us that as we
start our new lives together,

someone's going the other way.

You've got this.

The wedding's gonna be great.

[Cellphone dings]

Oh, more good news...
the weather report.

There's a storm coming in.

- A storm of love.
- [Scoffs]

Your father is useless.

Uselessly in love.

So, I know I probably don't
even need to ask you this

because it would be cruel
and insensitive,

but Ben is not coming
to the wedding, right?

[Laughs] Funny you should
mention that. Yes, he is.

[Scoffs] Why didn't you tell me?

Well, I was going to, but...

this.

Look, honey, he's my business partner,

and the rest of the family loves him.

Do you have any idea
how incredibly awkward

this is gonna be for me?

Nope. I married my highschool sweetheart

and made that last for years.

Just sayin'.

Uh, yeah, if you subtract
sleeping, drinking beer,

and "working on your motorcycle
in the garage,"

you guys had like three good years.

Look, I know the wedding's
gonna be hard,

but just try to avoid Ben
the best you can.

We sat him and his plus-one
at another table.

What?!

What?!

He's bringing a date?!

When were you gonna tell me that?

[Sighs]

At the last possible minute,

and if you want to know why,
listen to your tone.

I mean, why would he do that?

Is he trying to stick it to me?

Or maybe he just wants to prove
that he can find somebody

before I do.

That is so pathetic and small.

Now I only have one day to find someone

to make him feel like crap!

x - The Wedding of Dan and Louise

♪

♪

♪

♪

Is it appropriate to serve wings

at a wedding reception in a church?

Well, not an angel's wings...

unless they're, you know,
parmesan-garlic.

God... [Sighs]

I am so nervous about
being at the wedding.

It's my first big social event

where everybody's gonna be drinking.

Well, you can't pick up a drink

if you've already got one in your hand,

so you just carry a Shirley Temple
around all night.

Oh, finally! A cure for alcoholism.

So... [Sighs]

I'm bringing a date to the wedding.

Don't make a big deal about it.

BOTH: Oooooooooooh!

Who's the damaged guy?

Okay, I'll tell you,
but you can't say anything

- to my mom, okay?
- Uh-oh.

No, it... it's not like that.

He's a tattoo artist
I work with, and he's sweet

and supportive and he respects me,

and he's and he's got two kids. Bye.

No, no! Hang on.

He's ?!

Well, hey, you're dating
somebody younger.

Why I can't I date somebody older?

Yeah, we're both about years
different in age

from our dates, but you're .

And stupid.

Hey, I called you
my cool aunt in public.

We were all stupid at .

You've only had one bad relationship.

Before your aunt foolishly dated a man

who's too young for her,
she prepared herself

by having many, many bad relationships.

Good point.

And you cannot surprise
your mom with this

at your grandfather's wedding.

Well, that's exactly
what I'm going to do.

She won't be able to freak out

'cause she has to maintain for Grandpa.

Now, when you say "Grandpa," do you mean

your actual grandfather or your date?

♪

[Clears throat]

By the way you're oilin' that chain,

I can tell you're pretty excited
for tomorrow.

I'm just holding it together.

I'm nervous as hell.

Best thing I can do right now
is be a cheerleader for Louise.

Disaster!

We got the bridesmaids' dresses

and they are all the wrong sizes!

I'm sure it'll be fine.

Actually, the... the... the...
the dressmaker screwed up

and she did it in Italian sizes
instead of US.

[Italian accent] Ey, that's-a crazy!

Will you just take 'em off?

I-I-It's making me anxious
just to look at them.

[Sighs] This is impossible.

I had a dream of a perfect wedding,

and now it's just a nightmare.

I can't find the flowers
and the dresses are all wrong,

and people are yelling at me
about where they're seated.

I am overwhelmed.

Look, these are just
the last bumps in the road.

We're almost there.

No, Dan.

I want out.

I-I-I-I think we should
just live together.

You were right.

You didn't even want to do
all this, and I forced you.

Just call everybody...
tell them I'm sick.

Look, I know it sounds crazy right now,

but hours from now, you'll be
doing the chicken dance

and feeling great.

[Sighs] You're not hearing me, Dan.

This is too much.

I don't think I want this anymore.

I should go talk to her.

No, give her some space.

She's embarrassed because
she asked for all this.

The only way you can really help her

is if you take all this off her plate.

There's one day!

I don't know how to fix any of this!

Come on!

Your woman's in trouble!

You gonna stand by watching her drown?

No, you're gonna jump in
and pull her to safety.

Well, if she has to wait for me
to fix a dress

or find baby's breath,
she's going under.

Dan, you're the family fixer!

You fix things!

Somebody's got a problem,
who do they go to?

They go to Dan!
You really gonna let her down?

- No! No! Of course not!
- Yeah!

All right. I'm taking over.

Yeah.

Give me some duct tape
and let me at them dresses.

Okay, it's not your fault
that that's an idiotic idea.

It's our fault

for trying to domesticate men
and bring them inside our homes.

You're outside animals.

♪

Okay, I think we're ready
to load the van.

Let's get this old goat hitched.

[Bleats]

Have you heard from Louise?

Wedding's in a few hours.

I know it's in a few hours.

I've been texting her
all morning, telling her

I've got everything
under control, but nothing.

I'm starting to freak out.

What if she doesn't show up?

Oh, no, she'll be there.

Just 'cause she's been
a single woman her whole life

doing what she wants,
going wherever she pleases,

that doesn't mean
she's not gonna want to be

tied down... to...

You know what? Let's get
all this stuff in the van.

The weather service has just
issued a severe weather alert

- [Knock on door]
- for Chicago, including Elgin,

Lanford, and the surrounding
communities.

[Thunder rumbling, rain falling]

Hey!

Mikey!

I didn't think you were gonna show.

Why wouldn't I?

You know, because after the sex,

you were all in love with me and stuff.

[Sighs] I'm fine.

I've got those feelings in check.

I know you're not ready
for a relationship

because you're a drunkard.

A big one.

That's why I appreciate your support.

It's gonna be hard not to have a drink

when everybody's getting
plastered at the wedding.

[Gasps] Ooh, maybe
you should keep a Shirley Temple

in your hand all night.

Wow. I gotta go apologize to my aunt.

- Hey.
- Hey, Mikey!

Okay, the rain's getting worse.

We better get on the road.

Grab your stuff.

Hey.

Wait, so, you actually planned
to ride over here

on a scooter in the rain,
put me on the back of it

all made up for a wedding,

and then ride six miles to the church?

I-I brought you your own trash bag.

Oh, gee, without knowing my size?

I'm a -gallon, for future reference.

Hey!

I was coming over to see
if anybody needed a ride,

but then my car stalled after I swerved

into a flooded pothole trying to avoid

this idiot on a scooter
wearing a trash bag.

Ah! And, of course, it was you!

What the hell is he doing here?

Well, you were bringing a plus-one,

so I decided to do the same.

My plus-one was my mom.

Dude's mom won't even date him.

She decided not to come because
[As Mom] "it sounds like

a super-spreader event,
and COVID probably won't be

the worst of it."

Well, I didn't know that.

Oh, well, hey, it's all right.

It's not like you've ever done
anything impetuous before

without considering the consequences.

Okay, we can discuss
our shattered lives in the van.

Let's go.

One question.

"Impetuous" means doing
something quickly without care

or consideration for how
it affects other people.

So, it has nothing to do
with being hungry?

I was way off.

We're running late.
Can't you drive any faster?

This is flat farmland.

I've seen what these winds
are capable of.

Do you know what it's like to
take a loved one to identify

a cow with a pig through it?

Hey, Neville, what is this thing?

It's a horse speculum.

Wow. Those things must be huge.

Look at this.

You can crank this thing even wider.

Put that down.

I'm sure you and the professor
will be very happy together.

Well, we're not together.

And I am not a professor.

Would you stop?!

I'm nervous enough about the
wedding without having to listen

to you idiots yammer about
what goes inside a horse.

JACKIE: Hey, it's Twister Hunters!

You guys onto something today?!

You might want to turn back!

A couple of funnels
have touched down in the west,

but the cell could move to the south!

Oh, my God! That's my therapist.

Dr. Harding?

What are you doing?

You're a psychologist.
Why are you chasing tornadoes?

Oh, hey, Darlene!

Uh, my ex-wife told me
that I hide in my office

to avoid life and, uh, that I'm boring.

I'll tell ya, I'm sitting here
driving into a tornado!

Doesn't feel boring to me!

I'm pretty sure I'm gonna die!

But you give me advice, and what
you're doing is insane!

Well, you gotta do as I say,
not as I do, Darlene.

How are the panic att*cks coming?

Well, I'm sitting in this van with my ex

and the guy that I was gonna go
to Hawaii with,

and a psychic told me that
the only way I'm ever gonna

figure out my life is if I go on
a spiritual journey.

Sounds like driving into
a tornado is the best thing

that could happen to you right now!

Good luck!

Great.

If I die in the same van
as Billy Bong-Water over here,

I'll never forgive you.

Of course you won't. You'll be dead.

[Scoffs] And you were gonna
marry this guy?

♪

Hi.

Oh, hey.

I'm Darlene.

Oh, a snake with a devil's head.

- Cool.
- [Laughs] Thanks.

You must be one of the guys
in Louise's band.

Oh, no.

But I was in a g*ng once.

It's kind of like a band,
but if you make a mistake,

they... mm! sh**t you in the face.

Oh, well, thanks for coming.

- [Laughs]
- Uh, hi, Mom.

I see you've met my date.

This is Aldo.

We work together at the tattoo shop.

We could fight about it
right now, but that'd be

really selfish on Grandpa's big day.

See you later.

What was that about?

I have no idea.

I think Harris is dating
some scary, old dude

with a neck tattoo.

Wow. That is news to me.

If I had known about that,
I would have told you immediately.

Wait, so you knew?

Oh, yeah, I knew. Jackie, too.

Where's the rest of the family
and all the other guests?

Most of them couldn't make it
through the storm,

but they're gonna try to make
the reception later.

Hey.

You guys seen Louise?

No, and I was just in
the bride's dressing room.

It's empty.

BECKY: To Dan and Louise!

May they last longer
than Darlene and Ben!

ALL: Cheers.

I thought that was really nice.

Does this apple juice taste
weird to anybody?

It's burning my throat. [Clears throat]

Oh, my God. This is champagne.

You told me that the apple
juice was on the left!

It is! We were on the
other side when I told you.

I'm so sorry.

Here, this is the cider.

No, wait, I almost did it again.

- Becky!
- It's okay. I-I got it.

[Sobbing]

Do you know this is the men's room?

I don't care!

I'm so upset I thought
I was gonna throw up!

I blew my sobriety!

H-Hey, look, it was only one
sip, and it was an accident.

It doesn't matter!
A sip is considered a drink!

I should have smelled it first,
and now it's in me,

and now I'm afraid I'm gonna want more!

I don't know what to do!

D-Do you want to call your sponsor?

I tried. She didn't answer.

I left a message.

I can't go out there.
There's alcohol everywhere.

[Sighs] Hey, look,
then we can stay in here for a while.

I'll distract you.

You know this church
used to be a Taco Bell?

That's why it has the Spanish motif.

All the original Taco Bells
used to look like the Alamo.

That's an interesting thing
to think about!

Not at all!

I have to get completely
out of my head right now,

or I'll have to leave,

and I don't want to leave
my dad's wedding!

How do we do that?

♪

[Playing "Bridal March"]

♪ I am too old ♪

♪ To be a flower girl ♪

♪ I'm ' " and I've already
kissed a boy ♪

♪

I'm here. [Laughs]

Glad you made it.
I almost didn't make it.

Had to use the women's bathroom.

I went in the men's room...

somebody was gettin' it on in the stall.

Don't judge. Maybe it was an emergency.

When your mom saw we were a couple,

it looked like she was gonna pass out.

No! No, she always looks pale like that.

Oh, okay.

Uh, we need a minute here.

Okay, don't make a scene.

Unless Louise doesn't show
and we need a distraction.

Then you can go at each other
like a MMA pay-per-view.

I gotta go.

♪

I know my dad invited you
because he felt obligated

because you work together,
but you didn't need to say yes.

I don't even know why you're here.

This is a day for family.

Do not come to the reception.

Well, it isn't your choice,
and I felt like I was family

when I was helping
pay your dad's mortgage.

Oh, right, and you've been
so gracious about it.

Oh, hey, I was happy to help.

And, yeah, I became close
with everybody in your family,

which couldn't be helped because
there's like of you!

Place is like a kennel!

Well, that's over now.

When you bailed on me,
you bailed on my family!

As we wait for the bride, we are silent.

♪

Aw, crap.

♪

- Sorry I'm late.
- [Scoffs]

I didn't think you were coming,

so I've been bad-mouthing you
behind your back.

♪

I can't tell you how glad I am
that you're here.

Well, we'll talk about it later.

We're supposed to be walking.

No. Let them wait a sec.
They're here for us.

I just want to look at you.

- You're beautiful.
- Mm.

- Let's walk.
- Okay.

[Sighs] Thanks for helping me
when I needed it.

When you said you were okay
just living together,

I realized I wasn't.

I want to be your husband,
'cause once we're married,

that's at least one legal speed bump

- before you can ditch me.
- [Sighs]

If everyone would take their seats...

Dearly beloved,
we are gathered here today...

[Air raid sirens wailing]

Tornado!

Son of a bitch!

I knew I shouldn't have done it
in the church.

Everyone, please move quickly
but in an orderly fashion

to the shelter.

They always give you at least
a ten-minute warning.

Finish the ceremony.

Are you sure about this?

About marrying you? Yes.

About the ten minutes...
I-I'm less than confident.

Let's go.

Um, okay.

[Quickly] Uh, we are gathered here today

to witness and celebrate
the marriage of Louise and Dan.

Better cut to the chase.

Yes, okay. Uh, right.

Do you, Louise Beth Goldufski,
take this man...

[Glass shatters]

[Wind howling]

We have to go!

No, we can still get to the "I do's"!

Guys, come on!

We're holding the cellar door for you!

This place is gonna come down!

God gave us a shelter! Let's honor Him!

Every year, I renew
my certificate as a minister

to the Universal Life Church!

It's mostly a tax break,
but I can do marriages!

- L-Let's do it!
- The abbreviated version!

Okay, Dan, do you take this woman

to be your lawful wedded wife?

- Yeah, I do.
- What about this guy?

Yeah, sure, it's been going
pretty well so far.

Yeah, by the power vested in me
by the back pages

of "High Times" magazine,

I now pronounce you
man and wife! Do the thing!

- Oh!
- Let's get the hell out of here!

Oh!

♪

JACKIE: Mm, mm!

[Slurring] I wanna make a toast!

ALL: No!

Show us your boobs!

Hey!

Later!

[Laughter]

To Dan and Louise!

May they last longer
than Ben and Darlene!

I thought that was so funny
when Becky did that!

Yeah, show's over, Shecky.

I just want to say something.

I want to thank all of you for
making my life so wonderful.

And thank you, Louise...

for finding a way to top that.

Aww. That was beautiful, Dan.

Now show us your boobs!

[Laughter]

Later!

And to my hubby!

Oh, man, I never thought
I would say that.

But now I don't think I'll ever stop.

Ooh.

Thanks for being there for me today.

I have to come up with
some better coping skills,

for both our sakes.

- You got this.
- Aww.

You know I have my nephew's
christening next week.

It'll be kind of a letdown
without all the fornicating

and destruction of
a Conner get-together.

It's what we do.

Since the reception's off,
when everyone leaves,

can Ben stay and do foreign-movie night?

We're gonna watch "Master of
the Flying Guillotine,"

put it on mute, and do our own dialogue

so it becomes a rom-com.

They lose their heads in love.

You know, Mark, we might just
have to put a pin

in foreign-movie night for a while.

That is so unfair.

How about you guys figure out
how to be around each other

so you don't screw up stuff in my life?

I still like Ben, and depending
on what you decide,

I'll tell you how I feel about you.

I'm just gonna grab a beer.

Mark wants you to stay for movie night.

How do you feel about that?

[Laughs] I hate it.

Really hard to be in the same
room with you right now.

But I shouldn't let that
affect your relationship

with Mark.

I hope you'll understand if
I choose to go out in a tornado

rather than sticking around
while you're here.

Well, you're a good mom.

Hmm.

Must have k*lled you to say
something nice about me.

b*rned my throat like
a ghost pepper, but I'll heal.

Mm, be careful out there, will ya?

You might want to put
some rocks in your pockets,

or the wind'll carry you off
like a plastic bag.

Thanks for caring.

It's hard to stop...
even if you want to.

JACKIE: Ben, look at my boobs!

BEN: Oh, God!

♪

♪ I was dancin'... ♪

I will always remember you

just as you look right now.

Are you going off to w*r?

No.

I mean, you'll never
get older in my eyes.

You're always gonna look just like this.

[Smooches] I love you, Mr. Conner.

I love you, Mrs. Conner. [Chuckles]

♪ ...were dancing ♪

♪ My friend stole... ♪

Um, eventually, they're all
gonna move out, right?

Let's not spoil the moment.

♪ I remember the night ♪

♪ And the Tennessee Waltz ♪