02x06 - Monster

[bunniefuu]

Hey! You're ruining my birthday cake!

If only that were all she ruined.

Make her stop!

Oh, Daria, she's just a baby.

She wants to play, too!

I'm such a cute baby.

Why can't I be an only child?

Yeah. Why can't I?

Isn't it great to sit here and see your whole life unfold before your eyes?

It's almost as good as drowning.

Girls, guess what?

I found a box of old home movies my dad took of me when I was a kid!

I'm having them transferred to video tape!

I wonder why I never went through an awkward phase?

He wanted you to watch her birth?

That could scar you for life.

The birth itself did that.

Speaking of permanent damage...

I don't see any vegetables!

You should have my view.

Why vegetables?

To throw at the screen during the big food fight?

What food fight?

Daria, are you thick or something?

This is the Food in Film Festival.

Didn't you see the Rocky Horror Picture Show last month?

Kevin and I wore each other's underwear.

Again?

Sorry to disappoint you, but I don't think this is an interactive event.

Tonight they're showing Andre Sakarynsky's Last Meal.

A Russian art film from the 1930s.

Russian?

Subtitles!

I'm hungry.

You didn't happen to save any of Kevin's produce, did you?

Daria?

We're about to be seen with a teacher.

Hi, Mr. O'Neill.

Hi, girls! I'm just so invigorated!

Great cinema is timeless.

Couldn't that movie have been made today?

I guess, if you could find someone to exhume the actors.

Can I give you two a lift home?

No, that's okay. We love to walk.

Yeah, it's a perfect night for a nice long stroll.

Don't you want to sit in the front, Daria?

I'd love to, but, you know, I'm afraid of an airbag injury.

Oh, my gosh, I'm so sorry, what was I thinking?

Of course you must sit in the back!

Sometimes I think film is even more a mirror of our times than the novel.

Do you think this is because of its greater verisimilitude?

Jane?

I can't really hear you back here.

Road noise.

Plus, I don't know what verisimilitude means.

What about you, Daria?

Let's face it.

Most people would rather watch a movie than read a book.

It's fast, it's easy, and you don't have to worry about your lips moving.

That is a fabulous class assignment, Daria!

Thank you for the suggestion!

Um, did I make a suggestion?

Because if so, I'd like to withdraw it.

So, as an exercise in living literature, you'll all be making your own movies.

We have Daria to thank for that exciting suggestion.

There's that word again.

Now, before we split into movie making teams, who would like to direct?

Remember, this is a precious, precise, and very, very costly instrument.

It's not the sort of thing one ordinarily lends a teenager.

We'll be careful.

I explained to you about the three focus modes and the depth of field override and the auto-sleep feature.

I'm about to go into auto-sleep myself.

Okay, Daria. Just... try not to use it too much.

There. Tree-Cam.

You're just going to leave it running?

Only a day or two.

It'll catch everyone passing by through the tree's totally objective point of view.

Riveting.

Andy Warhol filmed eight hours of a guy sleeping and people thought it was brilliant.

Those people changed their minds after they got into twelve step programs.

Wait... Those people changed their minds after they got into twelve step programs.

Wait...

I think I just saw some leaves rustle.

There's our climax.

Maybe we need a script.

And then you open the window and say, "Life is a meaningless descent into the void."

Then you jump, and on the way down you scream, "Now I understand, I understand everything."

Can you get rid of the window part and give me something funny to say?

And a poodle.

I'd really like to be in a scene where I'm walking a poodle.

Actors.

"Is there no way out?"

"No exit, my friend.

It's just us, stuck in this room together, forever and ever."

"Help! Hell is other people."

On second thought, hell is myself.

No, babe, you gotta run to me like you haven't seen me in years.

I've been in China, remember?

I was trying to do it in slow motion, like Jodie said.

You add the slow motion part after, you idiot.

Don't you?

Who cares. This sucks.

I really want to do a film about the supermarket strike.

But I already paid for this gown. I can't play a checkout girl in this.

It's a documentary.

You don't need the gown.

Oh, no! I won't do a nude scene!

Unless you think it's crucial to my character.

What are you doing?

Can I borrow something to wear to the Fashion Club party tonight?

Check her head for bumps.

Please, Daria?

It's the Fashion Don'ts Costume Gala.

You know, a Fashion Don'ts Costume Party could be kind of... cinematic.

Yeah. I'll tell you what Quinn.

I'll lend you an outfit, but you have to let me videotape you and your friends tonight.

What, like, with a camera?

Yes. For a movie, for class.

Why would I say no to that?

She's strangely mesmerizing.

Superficial... narcissistic... self-absorbed... she's got star quality, all right.

I love your don'ts, Sandi.

But look at you, Quinn: boxy top with too long bottom and the wrong shoes.

Where did you ever come up with that?

Quinn, you're a genius.

I'm, like, an artist, and this is how I express myself!

Oh! Bad color!

She's even scarier on tape.

This party is just the tip of the iceberg.

We've found our subject.

You mean...

A day in the life of Quinn Morgendorffer.

Are you sure you want to do a horror movie?

So they're going to follow me around for a whole day.

Or a minute, depending on how much we can stand.

It's so nice to get home early and have a chance to make dinner.

Quinn, are you sure you want to do this?

What about your privacy?

When did this family turn into such a bunch of privacy freaks?

My video transfers!

I can't wait to relive my childhood!

Shall we watch after dinner?

I thought I'd write a little narration before the big screening.

I want to capture the whole essence of the period.

I don't remember you having such fond memories of those days.

It's all coming back to me!

It really makes you feel nostalgic for your childhood.

This is your golden time!

Enjoy your youth, girls.

I think I'll pass on dessert. I don't want to look puffy tomorrow.

I guess I'll go watch TV by myself for awhile.

When these ballerinas work out at the bar, they work out at the bar!

Tanked in a tutu when Sick, Sad World returns.

Come in.

Daria, I wonder if you'd tell me what you have in mind for this movie of Quinn.

What do you mean?

It's just a lame assignment for English class.

I mean, why Quinn?

Well, she's lively, she's photogenic.

You know what? She's bubbly.

Daria...

We're going to follow around Quinn for a day and show the world what it's like to be attractive and popular.

I'm kind of curious about that myself.

It's just that sometimes you judge people's behavior by a pretty rigid set of standards.

Not everyone can live up to them.

That's what wrong with the world.

Not even you live up to them all the time.

I guess I could go easy on her.

Thanks, sweetie.

But don't hold your breath.

Ready?

Rarin'.

Remember, we're exposing a hollow, self-centered egomaniac.

Trust me. We won't have to work very hard.

Let's just say mornings are not her best time.

Good morning, beautiful world.

Don't you want to sh**t me?

Yes. I want to sh**t you.

By the way, which is my best side?

I know they're both good.

You're already wearing makeup.

I am not!

I just happen to be the kind of person who doesn't really need makeup.

So you're putting it on because...

Not everyone is as lucky as I am.

I want to be a role model for all people.

Even the ones who need makeup really badly.

I think I need to sit down. I'm getting dizzy.

The people, united, will never be divided!

I don't get it!

Why are they all standing there?

They're having a dispute with management, so they refuse to work.

Someone should tell them they're taking up the sidewalk.

Tell me why you're on strike and what you hope to accomplish.

It's simple enough: an honest day's pay for an honest day's work, and stop chiseling away at our benefits!

I'm getting a craving, babe.

Ho-Hos?

Yeah!

No problem, babe!

Hey! Escuse me...

Power yoga is a really good thing to do because inner beauty is just as important as outer beauty.

Like, can you have a CD without a CD player?

I don't think so!

It was a time of innocence, when you left your doors unlocked and candy bars cost a nickel.

Not that those two facts are related, I'm... aww, dammit! Lemme start over here.

It was a carefree time when a young boy could learn to ride a bike on sun-dappled streets.

Hey! Hey! Why doesn't anybody help that poor kid?

He skinned his knee! Oh, I get it.

"Get back on the bike Jake. Big boys don't cry.

Crying is for girls, Jakey."

Shake, shake, quiver and quake!

It's all coming back to me now!

Are your cousin and her friend going to follow us everywhere we go?

I told you, just ignore them.

You always say that about them, but they don't usually have a camera.

It's a little project that I got, um, forced into.

By the way, which do you think is my best side?

They're both good.

I know, but this side has my better dimples.

I don't know how much more of this I can take.

Um, guy?

Would you find out if they have those cheeseless pizzas?

Sure! And, uh, it's Zachary.

Why did you invite that guy?

I thought you were going steady with Larry this week.

Larry totaled his car. Zachary's got his mom's car.

You're so smart, Quinn. You always think ahead.

Did you hear that? Did you hear that, guys?

Guys!

Oh, look at that cute little boy.

And he grew up into such a handsome man.

Honey? Wouldn't you like a little more light in here?

Okay, Jake, I'm just going to catch up on some paperwork in the kitchen.

Thanks for driving us here, Aaron.

It's Zachary.

That's what I said.

But shopping is kind of a girl thing.

Maybe you could meet us after or something.

But what will I do in the meantime?

I don't know. Do you have any shopping to do?

Maybe there's someone special you want to get a present for.

Um, well, you're kind of special, Quinn.

Oh, Zachary, you don't have to get me a present.

If you ask for Theresa in Junior 5 and tell her it's for Quinn, she'll help you out.

Did you get that? I hope you got that.

Did you know that "pore refiner" spelt backwards is "renifer erop"?

Give me that!

Oh, look! Pore refiner.

I'm glad I don't need that.

Have you ever noticed how popular people always have the tiniest pores?

I wonder why that is?

Your pores are very cute, Quinn.

But you can't seem them, can you?

Oh, my God, they've been... they've been zooming!

You better not zoom that thing. Stop zooming, I mean it.

If you can see any of my pores on camera, I swear, I'll k*ll you.

Stop the tape! I do not have pores!

My pores are cute! My pores are tiny!

You're fired!

Anything you say can and will be used against you.

We've got our Quinn.

That's a wrap.

But a wrap skirt is a definite don't.

Oh, my God. Did I really just say that?

I have the cutest little pores, don't I?

You really do. Each one is like a tiny dimple.

I wish I had pores like yours, Daria

"Pores Like Yours."

That would be a great name for a pore conditioning exfoliant.

God, Daria, how do you do it?

Here we are, complimenting you on your perfect pores, and you're unselfishly thinking about how you can improve the pores of others.

Duh! I guess when it rains, it "pores."

Dad? What are you doing up?

I was a child. I needed attention.

I had a boo-boo on my knee.

Uh, it's pretty much healed now, though. Right?

Did anyone care?

No one cared.

This is what I never had, Daria.

What we're doing now: simple parent/child bonding.

The kind of closeness your mother and I have worked so hard to give you.

Gee, that's funny.

I could've sworn I woke up from the dream.

You just can't put a price on a moment like this, Daria, and once these years are gone, they're gone.

Dad, it's 4:00 A.M.

I just woke up from my worst nightmare: resembling my sister.

You're reliving an instance of parental neglect from forty years ago.

You call this parent/child bonding?

Works for me.

Let's watch again.

Thanks for meeting me here.

Looks like you had a rough night.

Just promise me that if I start acting, talking, or thinking like Quinn, you'll do the right thing.

If you don't respond to drug therapy, I'll authorize electric shock.

Oh, and by the way, your teensy-weensy pores look really cute today.

But which is my best side, hmm?

I know they're both good.

Hey, Daria.

Did I forget to mention who drove me here?

If you can see any of my pores on camera, I swear, I'll k*ll you.

Stop the tape!

This is too easy.

sh**ting ducks in a barrel.

How's that film project coming?

Pretty good.

I haven't seen you so amused since your sister fell at her dance recital.

That was me.

I knew it was one of you girls laughing at one of you girls.

Can I sneak a peek?

We're still editing.

Quinn's got a real screen presence.

By the way, which is my best side?

I know they're both good.

If you can see any of my pores on camera, I swear, I'll k*ll you.

Stop the tape! I do not have pores!

My pores are cute! My pores are tiny!

You're fired!

Oh, my. This is a little cruel.

Are you sure you haven't taken her out of context?

She creates her own context.

You know, Daria, I wouldn't let Quinn make a movie that made her sister look ridiculous.

How could she?

She doesn't admit to having one.

I'll tell you what, Daria: you do what you think is right.

I don't like the sound of that.

Don't worry. She's clearly overestimated my conscious... by assuming I have one at all.

By the way, which is my best side?

Is that my movie? Can I see?

Sorry, but that would interfere with the creative process.

See, we're like artists, and this is how we express ourselves.

You understand.

I can't wait to see it.

I just hope I don't sound stupid or anything.

Not that I would.

Perish the thought.

I just, I know that sometimes certain types of people, jealous people, might think, who does she think she is?

Because I sometimes think that.

But I can't let myself go on too long thinking that.

Or anything else.

I mean, sometimes I'm walking down the hall with Sandi, Stacy, and Tiffany, and suddenly I'm outside of myself, watching, and it's, like, "Who are these girls?

Can't they talk about anything but guys, and clothes, and cars?"

But then, what would we talk about?

You have to be good at something.

You're good at your reading and writing and stuff, and you're good at your little paintings.

They are miniscule, aren't they?

I figure, being attractive and popular, that's what I'm good at.

Maybe it's not that important, but, you know, it's what I can do.

Aw, hell.

Yeah.

Jodie, where did you learn to juggle symbolism like that?

Um, I worked with storyboards. I think that helped.

And now, a work by Daria and Jane.

I want to be a role model for all people, even the ones that need makeup really badly.

By the way, which is my best side?

Like, can you have a CD without a CD player?

I don't think so.

By the way, which is my best side?

Don't look like you have on too much makeup.

Wear enough to make it look like you don't have much on.

By the way, which is my best side?

Goodnight.

Thanks for sharing my day with me.

And remember, fashion is fun and everything, but we should really do something about the rainforest and stuff.

What was that?

I told her I'd give her the opportunity to show there was more to her than the surface Quinn.

Turns out there isn't.

And what exactly happened to the pore stuff? Our big finish?

You know the conscious I don't have? It got to me.

The Depths of Shallowness. Provocative indeed.

Now, what if we...

Your movie really kicked butt, guys.

Oh, sure.

I mean it! It really captured a kind of despair.

Your sister makes me so sad.

You and me both.

You're the girl from the movie! I love you.

Which is my best side? Can you tell me?

Now I'm really sad.

God, I thought I was the only one ashamed of my pores.

We're all ashamed of our pores, but you mustn't be ashamed of your shame.

So, you did the compassionate thing, and look where it got you.

She's more popular than ever.

We set out to make an exposé, it ends up a love letter.

See, we're like artists, and this is how we screw ourselves.

And you, too, can have bouncy hair if you just take the time to bounce from the inside as well.

Come on, everyone! Bounce with me!