02x03 - The Concert

[bunniefuu]

God almighty, I don't know what the world's coming to.

Bloody perverts.

You're overreacting, Da.

Overreacting? That lad's got no trousers on, for Christ sake.

He has a great set of pins on him, doesn't he?

For God's sake will you close that window, we're foundered here.

I need aired, Mary. I've five layers on me.

Five layers? What are you trying to do? Change race?

Give us a going over with the hairdryer, will you?

Indeed I will not. I've enough to be at. Why do they keep touching themselves? Because they're artists, Granda.

Dirty English bastards is what they are. No offence son.

SDLP leader John Hume has again called for cross party peace talks...

John's really dying for peace, like, isn't he?

It's all he ever goes on about. I hope it works out for him.

Aye, I sort of hope it works out for all of us, Sarah.

Come on, girls, tome to hit the road here. You've been roped into going too then, son? Roped in? Hardly.

He's riding Gary Barlow.

I am not! I just respect him as a songwriter, that's all.

Aye, dead on, James, so you do. Will we need our passports, Gerry?

For Belfast? I don't think so, love. Belfast! Are we not a wee bit early, Daddy? It's a two hour drive with traffic, love.

This thing's in Belfast?! But it's eight hours till the doors open.

Aye, we're cutting it fine all right. Belfast! Sure, why don't you just sell the wains into white sl*very and be done with it?

Gerry'll be with them, Da. That's worse! Sure, they hate his kind there. My kind? Pricks.

That is enough! They're going to the concert, Da.

That's the end of the matter. And, finally, panic at Belfast Zoo today when a polar bear escaped from its enclosure.

The RUC have launched a widespread search and have warned residents in the local area to be extra vigilant.

Now will you see sense? Aye, Granda, cos an escaped polar bear's going to track us down and k*ll us.

As if Mammy's bothered about that.

Wise up, Mammy! As if a polar bear's going to rock up at a Take That concert! He wouldn't get a ticket, for a start.

They sold out months ago. You'd be surprised, girls.

Aye, thon boys would get in where draughts wouldn't.

Sure, the concert's nowhere near the zoo.

But he's not in the zoo anymore, is he, simple Simon?

He's sauntering about Belfast without a care in the world.

Aye, keep up, Gerry. What I'm saying is, it would be quite a lot of ground for him to cover. They're quick on their feet when they want to be, love. Or someone might give him a lift.

Whose side are you on, Orla? Come on, Mary.

If you don't let Erin go, our Mas won't let us go.

Well, neither they should! And I'll be ringing them to say as much.

Brilliant! I hate my life.

Look, girls, I know how much you were all looking forward to seeing This n' That. TAKE That! But there'll be other concerts.

No, there won't! The fact that this one's happening is a miracle.

Nobody good ever comes here cos we keep k*lling each other!

And now we're overrun with polar bears. Where will it end?

Well, I'm not letting the fat, furry f*ck ruin the biggest day of my life. What can we do?

Listen, girls, I've never told anyone this before but sometimes when Robbie's being interviewed, it's like he's sending me messages through the TV, you know, telepathically or whatever.

It's like he's telling me we're going to be together.

Aye, maybe don't that to anyone again, Michelle. Ever.

Look, this is too important. I'm going to that concert.

I'm not afraid of a f*cking polar bear! Me either! Nor me. Bastard!

I'll k*ll it with my own two hands if I have to. Bring it on!

OK, we seem to have gone down a weird road here, people.

I think we've got a bit confused.

We don't have to fight a polar bear.

And, if we did, I wouldn't really fancy our chances because, well, they're massive. But there's five of us so...

The point is the polar bear's not the one stopping us going to the concert. It's our mothers.

And we'll never get them to change their minds.

We're not gonna try to change their minds.

We're going to do something else. What?

Lie our holes off.

We're going to get caught. I just know it.

We're not going to get caught, Clare. Because, as far as our Mas are concerned, me, you and James are at Erin's house, and Erin and Orla are round mine. But we're not round yours, Michelle.

We're on a bus to Belfast.

I can't, I cannot explain it to her again, I'm going to scream.

What's in the suitcase, Michelle? Vodka.

You've brought an entire suitcase full of vodka? No.

There's some mixers as well. I'm not a savage.

You can mix vodka with cider, right?

God I'm boiling. Is it any wonder, Clare? What are you wearing?

Yeah, you look like a f*cking provo.

I don't want anyone recognising me, OK? Nobody's going to recognise you, Clare. Clare Devlin? Is that you? Jesus Christ.

Relax, Clare. It's the weekend.

She has no authority over us at the weekend.

She has no right to question us, and, if she tries to, I'll tell her as much.

Morning, girls. Morning, Sister Michael.

What takes you to Belfast?

I'm not really sure that's... Speak up.

I'm not really sure that's any of your business.

I'm going to assume that was an ill-judged attempt at humour, Miss Quinn. Yes.

Now answer the question.

We're going to the museum. Which museum? The Ulster museum.

What for? A project, a history project. What about?

Ulster?

A history project!

This web of lies we're spinning is getting out of control now, girls.

It's grand, Clare. I think she bought it.

Of course she didn't buy it. She's onto us. I'm telling you.

My God, I'm sweltered here. Then take it off.

I can't take it off. I've nothing underneath it. What, not even a bra?

Jesus, Clare! You've no bra on? Of course I've got a bra on.

I haven't got a bra on. Can everyone please stop saying "bra."

But I can hardly parade about in just my bra. I'm not Madonna.

Isn't that the truth. What's she doing now?

Reading her book.

Now she's looking at the woman beside her.

Now she's getting up.

Now she's coming this way.

Now she's standing right in front of us.

What is he doing? Now she's asking me. Stop talking, James.

I want to sit here. What? Why?

Well, you're just such wonderful company, girls, what with your stimulating conversation and your razor sharp wit.

Really? No, not really. The woman next to me is eating an egg and onion sandwich and the smell of it is enough to turn an orange march.

Christ, but this is heavy. Sister, no, let me.

What have you got in here, girls? It's not ours!

Not yours?

We've never see it before in our lives. Have we, girls?

Never. Nope.

Excuse me, everyone! Can I have your attention, please?

Does anyone own this red suitcase?

No. Now, let me be clear, no-one can claim this bag, is that correct?

That's correct.

I think we've got a code red on our hands.

Driver, pull over!

In position. Examining suspect device now.

Sweet Jesus. Aye, this isn't great.

Ach, it's not that big a deal. They're going to blow up an entire suitcase of vodka, Michelle! I know, animals.

Their wee beekeeper costumes are so cr*cker.

You're unbelievable!

This is so itchy now! Don't blame me! Blame the Milk Tray man.

This is really serious, Michelle! People have gone to jail for less.

Why is this place so mental? That's enough, James.

You have serious f*cking anger management issues, do you know that.

33 Bravo this is 31 Alpha, over.

I hear you. Over.

All clear here. Over.

Roger. Let's pack it up. Over.

Powerful smell of vodka down here. Over.

Vodka, did he say?

Interesting.

OK, we need to go.

We need a better plan, Michelle! This is a great plan.

We cannot walk to Belfast! How far can it be?

Have you ever seen Northern Ireland on a map? It's f*cking tiny.

I have to say I'm not overly keen on being out in the open like this.

Just because of the whole "There's a polar bear on the loose

"that could maul us to death" thing! It can try!

Is it just me, or is that Gypsy an absolute ride?

Michelle! You cannot say that! What? They're called Travellers now.

You can't say Gypsy any more, it's insulting. Is it?

Yes. Yes, it is. Really? Who are they?

They're just people, James, they're just people that are exactly like us. Except different. Yes. No!

That's actually r*cist, Orla. No, it's not. They are different.

They're not. They live in caravans, for a start.

I wish I lived in a caravan. Me too. Caravan's are class.

Could you all stop being so r*cist, please?

I'm a bit scared of them. Is that r*cist? Yes.

Very much so. Is "gypsy" even a race? Traveller!

How'ya, girls. Well, hello, there. Hi. Good afternoon, Sir.

"Sir?" What the f*ck, Clare? Hey! Hold on! What does he want?

I dunno. I'm talking to you! Just walk on. Hey! Are you deaf or what?

Keep your heads down and keep walking. Get back here!

Faster, walk faster. Am I going to have to come after ya, am I?

Jesus Christ, he's following us. Holy f*ck! Run! What?

He's obviously a psychopath! Run!

He looks f*cking raging. I don't want to die! I don't want to die!

This is some craic, isn't it? Holy sh*t, they're fast!

Get off! What? Back off, you heard me, I'm not messing around with this thing. We mean you no harm, Sir.

Seriously, Clare, the "sir" thing, just pack it in.

Why are you being so weird?

Why are you chasing us?

Because you dropped this.

That's my purse.

Why did you think we were chasing you?

Right, I see, we're travellers which means we're psychopaths?

You were right, Erin. Shut up, Orla.

We run after people and b*at them up for no fecking reason.

No, look, that isn't. We're travellers, so we're obviously violent. No, not at all.

Listen, we have huge respect for you and your people.

You've such a strong sense of community and such wonderful, traditional values.

These lads bothering you, girls? Yes, yes, they are.

They're f*cking madmen. They're going to k*ll us. Help us, please!

Jump in.

Arseholes.

We're totally set.

Have you ever actually met them, Rita? Take That?

No, I can't stand them, if I'm being honest, but their fans are so thick they'll buy any old shite.

Present company included. I think you mean excluded.

Naw. Naw, I don't. I see.

Pop music isn't really my thing, truth be told.

It's all so f*cking soulless. Nah. I'm a classical head, all the way, but I've been banned from trading at Glyndebourne ever since I absolutely battered that Pavarotti fan.

And when I say I battered, I mean intellectually, like.

I did kick the sh*t out of him as well!

Pavo's La Boheme is very muscular, but for purity of tone you simply cannot fault Bocelli.

I mean, listen to that, girls.

Pass us a can there.

A can of?

Beer. I see.

Alcoholic beer.

That's f*cking beautiful. While driving. OK. Fine. Good.

I mean, what a f*cking instrument! Glorious!

Any idea what the speed limit is around here?

"Robie!?" Close your eyes, girls, and soak it up!

Sure. Of course.

But maybe you could soak it up with your eyes open and, you know, on the road?

Erin, what are we going to do? I don't know! She's f*cking mental!

She's spelt Robbie wrong on every single T-shirt! What?!

How are we going to break it to her?

That's what you're worried about, Clare? At this very second?

That's what's concerning you, a spelling mistake? I find it disturbing, Erin.

I tell you what, girls, I don't believe in God but, see, if I did...

She's lost the plot. ..that's what he would sound like!

We should have took our chances with the Gypsies. Travellers!

Jesus Christ! What was that?

Did we hit something?

My God, it's the polar bear!

Not again. Get it shifted, girls.

This is rank. Why are we doing it?

Because Rita told us to and I'm scared of her, Clare!

I'm very, very scared of her!

Why's it so heavy? Aren't they meant to be 90% wool?

Just put your back into it! The sooner this is done, the sooner we're back in that van and on our way to see Robbie.

Robie! I mean, it so obviously doesn't look right.

I am not getting back in that van, Michelle.

The woman is a maniac. We've come this far.

We're not turning back Jesus Christ!

What is it? I just put my hand on its hole!

f*ck this, let's just make James do it, the lazy bastard.

Totally. Good idea.

Where is James?

..he doesn't have any other friends...

Will you shut the f*ck up?!

OK. So, as far as I can make out, you think you left this James character with the Gypsies? - Travellers.

The small annoying one thinks we should go back for him because..?

They were so angry with us. He could be in real danger, Rita.

And the mouthy curly one thinks we shouldn't because..?

He's a dickhead, Rita. See, it's tricky.

Come on, Michelle! If we go back for him we'll miss the start of the concert.

But he's your cousin. Who hasn't lost a cousin or two in their time?

OK, OK, so who agrees with Tiny Tears, who thinks we should go back?

Orla! I like James, I like Take That more.

Make a f*cking decision, I've T shirts to flog!

Come on, girls, it's Take That we're talking about.

I know, it's just...

You said it yourself Erin, the greats don't come here.

We never got to see Bros, New Kids on The Block Right Said Fred.

Let's not add Take That to the list.

We can't turn back. There's too much at stake.

James has the tickets.

Despite John Hume's optimism earlier today, the DUP leader, Ian Paisley, has said that under no circumstances will his party sit at the same table as Sinn Fein, making all party talks impossible.

I can't take it any more.

All these false promises.

Waiting week after week, hoping today might be the day, only to be disappointed.

Don't upset yourself, love. It's just a wheelie bin.

It'll change my life, Gerry.

And Strabane's had them for months.

I mean, what's going on there? Who's pulling the strings for Strabane?

I mean, it's against the Trades Description Act.

The label said mahogany. Sure, that's barely oak.

Jesus, but I'm fuming, so I am.

He's gaining ground.

What? The polar bear.

Margo Murphy's niece just saw him outside the Abrakebabra in Coleraine, apparently.

That close? I'll get the holy water.

Sarah, buzz Michelle's mother there, tell her we need our wains back.

I will surely, Daddy.

Then we'll barricade the front door, and if worst comes to worst, Jim across the road lent me his tranquiliser g*n. Nobody's picking up.

Why does Jim across the road have a tranquilizer g*n?

His brother had an awful lot of bother with devil worshippers.

Excuse me? Aye, they sent up camp on his farm and he couldn't shift them for love nor money, so Jim bought a couple of g*ns and just...

What? sh*t them? Aye. I think it worked, you know?

I imagine it would, yeah.

I'm not convinced they were devil worshippers, you know?

Sure their hair had never seen a brush and they were head to toe in tie dye, Mary.

Jesus Christ! OK, I think we all just need to take a moment.

Don't answer!

That might be him! That might be the polar bear!

Yeah, because they're known for their impeccable manners.

They might come into your house and rip your throat out, but they'll knock on the door first.

Could you please stop pointing that thing at me, Joe?

Da...

Och, Geraldine.

I hope you don't mind, your front door was open.

Can you believe this bloody polar bear?

We're at our wits end over at our place. It's desperate, so it is.

Mary? Gerry?

'mon in Deidre love, it's open.

Can you credit this arsehole?

He's going to hold this whole town hostage, you mark my words.

He's an evil bastard, Deidre.

Look, I just want to get my two back home if that's all right, Mary.

Aye, same here. You wouldn't mind getting Clare for me?

What are you talking about? Ssh! Listen.

A polar bear that escaped from Belfast Zoo this morning has been recaptured.

A group of firefighters who were helping with the search discovered the animal close to the A6 between Belfast and Londonderry, feasting on a sheep carcass.

Thank God for that.

I better leave Jim's g*n back, so.

Michelle, James and Clare, did they tell you they were coming round here?

Aye. That's right.

The wee feckers!

What are you playing at? Get in the van, fucko!

Does not have to if you don't want to, James.

With all due respect, this has got nothing to do with you.

The way you treat this fella is disgraceful.

What's going on, James?

Jonjo and the lads, well, they just get me, and it turns out I'm a really good salesman.

He's a natural.

So what? You're a Gypsy now? Traveller!

Actually, Gypsy's fine. I knew it!

Let's get a move on!

Right, get in the van. Come on.

And do not test me, cos we've already missed PJ and Duncan.

Is that who was supporting them? Aye. Aw, I really like them!

I'm not leaving, Michelle. Not even for Gary Barlow?

I don't really rate him as a songwriter, you know?

I'm sorry, Jonjo, but you've just crossed the line there.

"Sure" by Take That My Michelle's going to be wishing she was mauled to death by that thing when I get my hands on her.

I don't know what to do any more.

I mean, they say that all teenagers are a bit rebellious but Clare's off the scale. She's basically a delinquent.

Have you considered adoption, Geraldine?

She's 16, Sarah. Sure, she's past the cut-off.

And finally, amazing scenes in The King's Hall this evening as the British pop sensations Take That play their first ever Northern Irish concert.

Look, girls, we just need some cold, hard proof they went to that concert.

And then, by Christ, they won't know what's hit them.