02x04 - Call Me Forty

[bunniefuu]

Oh, my goodness!

You've put googly eyes on everything!

Except in the bathroom.

No one needs that kind of pressure.

(LAUGHS)

I have so many new friends to meet.

And allow me to be the first person

to officially wish you
a happy th birthday.

(LAUGHS): Oh...

Officially! Yeah, yeah.

Wouldn't want any, uh,
unauthorized "happy birthdays."

No, wouldn't want the birthday
police knocking down the door

and shoving a bunch
of cake in your face.

- What are you looking for?
- Nothing.

- Are you looking for a birthday surprise?
- No.

'Cause you said no surprises.

You're right, I did.

Why would I say that?

More importantly, why would he listen?

Okay, off to work. Have a
great day, birthday girl.

Yeah, you, too.

See you tonight.

Okay, if y'all know anything,
now's the time to tell me.

(QUIET CHATTER)

Mm.

("GET THE PARTY
STARTED" BY PINK PLAYING)

Wait. What's happening?

♪ I'm... ♪

- ♪ Comin' up, so you ♪
- Get out of here.

♪ Better get this party started ♪

No way. I love streamers!

- ♪ I'm... ♪
- Oh, my God!

- ♪ Comin' up ♪
- What?!

(KAT LAUGHING)

♪ So you better get this party started ♪

- ♪ Get this party started ♪
- (SCREAMING)

♪ On a Saturday night ♪

(WHOOPING)

♪ Everybody's waiting... ♪

Were you hiding in my
apartment all morning?

Yes! You need to clean your bathtub.

(LAUGHS)

Surprise!

(WHOOPING)

- You didn't listen.
- Hell no!

- Thank you!
- ♪ I can go for miles ♪

♪ If you know what I mean ♪

♪ I'm... ♪

♪ Comin' up ♪

♪ So you better get
this party started... ♪

(WHOOPING, LAUGHTER)

This is the best birthday ever!

♪ Me, oh, my, oh, my, oh, me ♪

♪ Nothin' wrong with you
but I'd rather be me. ♪

Kentucky Kingdom was really
fun, but I am exhausted.

My feet are screaming,
and, let's face it,

twirly rides are a young girl's game.

It might have been the funnel
cake you ate before the ride

and the funnel cake
you ate during the ride.

Hey, I only ate half of that.

The rest of it flew out of my hand.

(LAUGHS): Yeah. That
kid behind us was pissed.

Oh...

Sometimes sitting down
is better than sex.

It's been a long day.

Not gonna take that personally.

(GROANS) But you're right.

This couch might be the best
ride I've been on all day.

(CHUCKLES)

(PHONE BLIPS)

My mom's back from Australia,

and she wants to have dinner with us.

Meet your mom?

Isn't it a little soon for that?

I met yours a week
after we started dating.

That's only because I
held her off for six days.

Come on, she's gonna love you.

I don't know. I've got
a rough track record

when it comes to
meeting people's parents.

It can't be that bad.

Mom? Dad?

This is Kat.

(CHUCKLES): Hello. I brought you a gift.

And that was one of the better ones.

That didn't really happen, did it?

(CHUCKLES) You don't forget
your first restraining order.

Your first?

Hey, Erica.

Hey. You left your sweatshirt
at my house last night.

Ooh-hoo, my man!

Thanks. You know, I could have gotten it

next time we see each other.

Yeah, about that...

I don't think there
should be a next time.

My man.

I thought we hit it off.

We did.

And I think you're great,
but I get the feeling

you're looking for
something more serious,

and I'm just in a
casual place right now.

Oh.

Sorry.

This isn't even mine.

It's nice, though.

That's tough. I'm sorry.

Thanks.

Max, party of one, your table's ready.

- Hey, don't get down.
- Can't help it.

It feels like everyone
around me is pairing up.

Kat and Oscar. You and Randi.

Phil and his new nurse guy.

Oh. And you know lonely Allen
who comes in every night?

Not lonely anymore.

Well, you know what
always makes me feel better

after being rejected by a woman?

- What?
- Checking the mousetraps

and cleaning the bathrooms.

PHIL: What the hell?!

- What happened?
- I will tell you what happened.

Cat Sajak ripped up my apron!

He's had it out for me

ever since I threw away
one of his favorite toys.

It was a ball of foil.

Get over it.

Why don't you just crumple
up a new ball of foil?

I tried that. He could
tell it was a fake.

(LAUGHS): Oh, come on, Phil.

Well, you laugh all you want,

but this only means one thing:

I have a cat nemesis.

Great. Okay, I have things to do.

- Hi.
- RANDI: Hey!

- Did you have any luck?
- Yes. I found the perfect dress

for my dinner with Oscar and his mom.

It is flame-retardant and
already the color of wine.

- Ooh...
- Smart choice.

I keep telling Katharine it
doesn't matter what she wears...

Oscar's mom isn't going to like her.

Way to stay on brand, Sheila.

No, no. Mothers never think anyone

is good enough for their son.

Your Grandma Silver hated me

from the moment she met
me till the day she d*ed.

I swear, at her funeral,

she glared at me from the casket.

KAT: Please, Mom,

I'm nervous enough.

I thought I was helping.

Wasn't I helping?

Kat, you don't have
anything to worry about.

Yeah, just be your
wonderful, charming self.

RANDI: But don't
randomly break into song.

And don't make up lies
to try to impress her.

Ooh, and don't do an Irish accent,

because it always veers towards pirate.

Also, don't turn your head.

Your profile is not your friend.

RANDI: And I can't believe
that I even have to say this,

but don't kick Oscar's mama in the face.

But again, the important
thing is to just be yourself.

Just in case.

You're gonna be fine.

Tell that to my armpits.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Don't sweat it, guys.

(HIGH-PITCHED): Thanks, Oscar.

- Hello, sweetheart.
- Hi, Ma.

Hi. I'm Mary.

Really? 'Cause I don't
see a little lamb! (LAUGHS)

I'm sorry, that was dumb.

Uh, I'm Kat.

So you see a little
Kat, not a little lamb.

I'm gonna stop talking right now.

You're everything Oscar said you were.

Why don't we sit down.

It's so nice to finally meet you.

I'm sorry I'm late.

I couldn't get off the phone
with your abuela.

She never stops.

¿Cómo enciendo la televisión?

¿Por qué no me visitas más?

¿Cómo apaga la televisión?

(FORCED LAUGHTER)

That's so funny.

Oh, you speak Spanish.

Yes, of course I do. I teach it.

I... I mean, I used to. I did.

But it was a whole
thing. Uh, someone d*ed.

And I was in the paper.

I was in el papel.

El periódico.

Right, right, yeah, I
was in that one, too.

Why don't we, uh, order some appetizers?

In English.

(IRISH ACCENT): Aye,
there's a great idea.

We'll start at the top of the menu.

Ho-ho, shiver me
timbers, brussels sprouts.

Well, that's certainly a
lively take on vegetables.

Let's order some of those.

Oh, uh, let me get the waiter. You...

Oh! Oh! I am so sorry.

- It's okay. It's just water.
- Let me get in there.

- Oh! Oh, crap.
- OSCAR: Oh! Aw...

Oh, dear.

But I didn't kick her in the face.

And that month with the
tribe was life-changing.

We had absolutely no contact
with the outside world.

Except that one night I
snuck into town to get a pizza

and check the score
of the Cardinals game.

(LAUGHS) A woman after my own heart.

Your life is so cool.

Did you always know you
wanted to be a travel writer?

Oh, gosh, no. I was a
bookkeeper until five years ago.

But once my kids were out of the house,

I was free to follow my dreams.

She likes to remind us
how we held her back.

I call them "my little ankle weights."

- (LAUGHS)
- I'm kidding.

You know you and your
sisters were the best thing

to ever happen to me.

I'm sure your mother feels the same.

Uh, I think we'd have to go
to the source on that one.

You know, Ma, Kat kind of
did the same thing as you.

She was a math professor
before she opened the cat café,

and one day she said, "Screw all of you,

I'm following my dreams."

Actually, I left
everyone in the department

a nice note and a candle, but yeah.

Look at us, a couple of brave
women rewriting our own stories.

Should we toast?

Ooh, why would we wave around liquid

when this is going so well?

You're right, you're right.

Again, I'm-I'm sorry about
that. I hope your pants are dry.

Oh, they are. But speaking of wet pants,

I have a funny story about Oscar

when he was playing a
tree in a school play.

Let's just say he watered himself.

Ma, Kat doesn't want to hear that.

Oh, yes, she does. She wants
to hear every single detail.

Honey, I'm having dinner
with your girlfriend

for the first time...
did you really think

we weren't gonna get here?

Fine, but no pictures.

Of course not.

I just AirDropped you the video.

- (GASPS)
- Why do you have that on your phone?

Yeah, and why is it taking
me so long to get it?

How'd it go?

Not well.

Halfway through the conversation,

she remembered she's a lesbian.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

Nothing. You're a smoke show.

Maybe it's my breath?

Blow on me.

Ooh. That's minty fresh.

Is it my clothes?

Give me a twirl.

Not gonna lie.

You could bounce a
quarter off that ass, man.

Well, then, what is it?

You got rejected twice. Relax.

No, but it's more than
twice. It's also Jessica.

I've texted her a bunch
and gotten no response.

A bunch?

Show me.

Dude.

- Dude!
- What?

Do you see what my
thumb is doing right now?

It should not still be doing that.

Well, there was a typo,
so I texted to fix the typo

and then there was a typo in
that, so I text to fix that...

No, this is more than a typo, okay?

You're coming off thirsty as hell.

Am not.

Really? 'Cause I'm seeing
a lot of emojis here.

You taught me: one per exchange.

This looks like a damn cave painting.

I was just showing her I was playful.

You were showing her you were nuts.

I'm not a nut.

I'm just, I'm ready to be
in a relationship again.

I want what I had with Brigitte.

Or what I could have had with Kat.

And I want that for you, too.

But this is not the way.

Well, I wanted her to
know I'm interested.

You said you were
interested three times,

and the last one you wrote in all caps.

You know what that sounds like, right?

I am interested, Jessica!

I swear this cat is staring at me

like he's Bette Davis
and I'm Joan Crawford.

Yeah, I don't know who those people are.

What the hell?

Phil, what are you doing?
You're supposed to be folding

the shirts, not mopping
the floor with them.

It's Cat Sajak, I tell
you. He's out to get me.

Aw, Cat Sajak is a good boy.

He's not out to get you.

(CAT SAJAK HISSES)

(HISSES)

Hey, I got a text from Oscar's mom.

She wants to hang out
again, just with me.

- Oh, that's great!
- Oh...

My "meeting parents" curse is over.

I'm gonna go pick out an outfit.

KAT: Oh!

I'm okay.

I love her enthusiasm.

I worry about her safety.

You're very brave
inviting me out for wine

after what happened last time.

Offer still stands for
me to use a sippy cup.

Don't be silly. But I do have
a change of clothes in the car.

(KAT LAUGHS)

This is so good.

I don't even care that
I'll have heartburn

and assume I'm having
a heart att*ck later.

I have antacids if you need some.

The trick is to take
one before you start.

(GASPS, IMITATES expl*si*n)

Mary, you have just rocked my world.

Today is my new birthday!

Kat, you're fun. I really like you.

I'm so glad. I really like you, too.

Good. I need you to
break up with my son.

Sure. Wait, what?

You're very nice. You're
just too old for him.

I'm . That's the new .

Well, by your logic, my son is ten,

and you should be on a list.

Whoa, whoa! Can you please
not say that so loud?

Listen, I want grandkids,
and I don't see that happening

if Oscar stays with you.

Well, with all due respect,

that's really up to Oscar and me.

My son lives in the moment.

He doesn't think long-term.

Or have you not seen
his Angry Birds tattoo?

Well, you know, just so you know,

Halle Berry had her first kid at

and her second kid
at... wait for it... .

Sweetheart, you're no Halle Berry.

I know that. Or do you think
I'm old and delusional?

I'm just keeping it real.
Things go downhill after .

I was already in
perimenopause at your age.

Okay, you've made your point.

Do you get irregular periods,
mood swings, night sweats?

That's your body closing up shop.

Okay, I think we're done here.

I, uh, I'm gonna go.

For the record, I'm not
ashamed of my emotions,

I've always been a hot sleeper,

and my periods are regular as rain.

Regular as rain!

- Hey.
- Hey. How'd it go?

(SIGHS): Good. We had a great time.

Your mom is lovely.

Couldn't be lovelier.

The loveliest of lovely.

Just a frickin' delight.

Well, that took a turn.
Uh, what's going on?

Well, uh...

I'm not Halle Berry, and your
mom thinks I'm too old for you.

- Wait, what?
- Yeah.

That's crazy. You sure
that's what she meant?

Well, she said, "I need
you to break up with my son,

I think you're too old
for him," but, you know,

I could just be reading into things.

That is so out of line.
I'm calling her right now.

- No, don't. Save your minutes.
- I don't know what that means.

Of course you don't. You're too young.

(SIGHS) What if she's right?

You know, my age starts with a four,

- and yours starts with a two.
- Kat, I've dated women my own age,

and it never worked out.

This is the first time
that it feels right.

No, it does feel right.

But the age thing is real.

I'm having a lot of "old
people" things happen to me.

You know, the other day I
tweaked my back sneezing.

Then I made it worse
reaching for a handkerchief.

Yes, I use a handkerchief.

I have to wear glasses
to read small print.

And if I'm being totally honest,

I don't even remember where
I was going with all of this.

You were explaining to me
why you're too old for me.

Right. And it's only gonna
get worse down the road.

Eventually, my teeth are gonna fall out,

and then you'll have to blend
my food and change my diapers

and help me remember my life,
like in The Notebook.

First, thank you for
comparing me to Ryan Gosling.

Second, let's just slow down.

Can we take this one day at a time?

But you do have to think long-term.

Like, what about kids?
You know, I froze my eggs,

but that's not something
I can snooze on.

I'm not even sure I want
kids, and if we decide we do,

there are options: we
can foster, we can adopt.

Maybe we just get some dogs.

- Dogs?!
- Cats, cats. I mean lots and lots of cats.

Listen, the one thing I know for sure

is that I want to be
with you for all of it...

'cause I love you.

Wait, what'd you say?

(SHOUTING): I love you.

I love you, too.

(CHUCKLES): Wow. We just did that.

We did.

's turning out to
be a pretty good year.

Wait. You're ?

(LAUGHS)

- Oscar said it first.
- Oh...

And then I said it back.

It was the first "I
love you" of my life.

Oh, I'm so happy for you, Kat.

I mean, it's gonna be weird
with his mom for a while,

but, you know, I don't
need everyone to like me.

Amen to that.

- (KNOCKING)
- Unrelated: if you were my boyfriend's mom,

- would you prefer flowers or chocolate?
- (LAUGHS)

- Hey.
- I know you're closed for coffee,

but are you open for an intervention?

Always. Step into our office.

What's up?

What are we intervening? dr*gs? Alcohol?

His boring T-shirts?

Worse. Somebody's taken
our cool, suave Max

and replaced him with this dope.

Wow, you live in a good school district.

That's where I'd want
my future kids to go.

I mean, I'm open to homeschooling,

but that's a decision me and my
future wife will have to make.

What do you think?

Why is it so bad to
want to fast-forward

through the chitchat and
get right to the real stuff?

You got a nice smile.

I'd love to take you to my
buddy's cabin in the woods.

It's beautiful there. Super remote.

No cell service.

Just you and me in
the middle of nowhere.

That was a romantic getaway.

She thought you were
gonna m*rder her, dude.

She definitely made sure
her Taser was charged.

She had locked and
loaded on her way to the car.

So you're saying I'm
coming on a little strong.

A little strong?
You stink of desperation.

That's what I've been
trying to tell him.

But does he listen? No.

Which is why we are here.

I'm just so sick of dating.

I get it. Dating is the worst.

- Hey.
- Shh.

But you have to slog through it

no matter how miserable
and soul-sucking it is.

Again, I say, "Hey."

Again, I say, "Shh."

You know, Max, maybe
the thing to do right now

is just to stop pushing so hard.

Stop trying to force
something that isn't there.

Well, then, what do I do?

Just keep dating and
dating, with the drinks

and the small talk and
the walks in the park

and the calculated texts

until I accidentally stumble
upon someone who's right for me?

OTHERS: Yes.

- (GROANS)
- Hang in there.

You're great. It'll happen.

Or you'll die alone.

- Wha... ?
- What? We've been closed for minutes.

I'm ready to go.

♪ ♪

Could I get another
glass of wine, please?

Sure.

What happened to your date?

He left. We didn't hit it off.

God, dating sucks.

Yeah, tell me about it.

- (LAUGHS)
- This one's on the house.

LUCY: Thanks.

You're welcome.

You want to join me?

Uh, sure. Yeah, I can take a break.

Sorry you had a rough night.

(GROANS) I'm just so
tired of the whole thing.

I wish I could skip straight
to marriage, buy a house,

have some kids... I think
three is the perfect number.

What do you think?

Yeah, I think my boss needs me.

- Is that what I sounded like?
- Pretty much.

By the way, that wine is
coming out of your paycheck.

And that did count as your break.

♪ ♪

- Meow!
- (GASPS)

(LAUGHS) What are you doing?

I haven't seen Cat Sajak all morning.

He must be lying in wait.

Oh, no. He got adopted this morning.

So there's nothing
for you to worry about.

And some would say there never was.

What?

Yeah, I thought you would be happy.

Well, of course.

Good riddance.

He riled up my days,

he ripped my clothes to tatters, and...

And you miss him already, don't you?

So much!

Does this help?

I appreciate that, but...

it's just not the same.

So, I got an apology text from your mom.

Yeah, she heard me, but mostly
she heard my abuela,

who, by the way, also wants to meet you.

(CHUCKLES): Oh, I'm busy.

- I didn't tell you when.
- Yeah, I'm just trying to protect her.

Hey.

If your mother ever
says anything like that

to my Katherine again,
there will be hell to pay.

Nobody messes with my baby.

I need coffee.

Oh, my God.

I know.

Wasn't that the sweetest
thing you've ever heard?

("GOTTA DO WHATCHA GOTTA
DO" BY KELLI WAKILI PLAYING)

♪ Whoa-oah-oah-oah ♪

♪ Mm, mm, mm, mm, mm ♪

♪ Whoa-oah-oah-oah ♪

♪ Yeah, listen, I'm asleep
in the morning light ♪

♪ Till the roosters start to crow ♪

♪ I'm-a feel a good time tonight ♪

♪ Yeah, the roof's about to blow ♪

♪ Yeah, see your best somebody ♪

♪ That somebody that you all know ♪

♪ I can feel the lights go down ♪

♪ It's time to start the show, yeah ♪

♪ But I want to see you get down low. ♪