08x23 - The Dinner Guest

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ Oh, it's a good day
for movin' along ♪

♪ Oh, it's a good day
for singin' a song ♪

♪ Oh, it's a good day ♪

♪ How could anything go wrong? ♪

Hi, Arch.

That way.

♪ It was a good day
till this guy come in ♪

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey,
watch your step, buddy, huh?

Once false move there,
this razor could make you
a Jew.

Okay? So step back there
and give me a little room here,
huh?

Now...

Come here, come here.
Give me that thing, will you?

Jeez. You're more in my way
the last two days then you
was when you lived here.

Hey, hey, I didn't wanna
move back in here.

It was Ma's idea.

Yeah, I know that.

Well, we're leavin' tomorrow,

so let's just make
the best of this.

Yeah, well,
if your last night here,

I'm gonna move Joey and his crib
back there into your room, see,

'cause if he's in there,
then you and her

won't keep me
awake makin' music
with the bed springs.

You know,
I don't enjoy living here.

I don't like it
sitting downstairs
in the living room with you,

watching the Three Stooges
meet Frankenstein.

Ah, shut up.

Shut up, will ya?

You'll never quit makin' fun
of the things that I like,

or the things
that I hold dear.

Let me tell you
somethin'.

Them Three Stooges
was great entertainment.

They was high comedy.

Them guys was funny.

They weren't funny.

I say they was funny!

The hell's the matter
with you?

You don't think
it was funny there

when Moe hit Curly
on top of his baldy head
with an axe?

Huh? Huh?

You didn't think it was
funny when Larry drug Moe

all the way
across the room
like this here?

Hey, hey, hey.

Huh?
Get it out of there,
will ya?

What's the matter
with you?

That was funny,

'cause them was three
very witty guys there.

Better than that crapola
you was watchin'
the other night.

Some crazy guy in Denmark

runnin' around the top
of a castle

in his long drawers,
talkin' to a ghost.

Jeez.

That was Hamlet.

I don't give a damn
if it was omelet.

It stank.

Jeez.

You know, in the last
couple of days

you've been tryin'
to get close to me there.

That's very strange
for a guy

who really wants to get
the hell away from me!

Oh, so that's
what's bothering you.

You're upset
that we're leaving.

Well, listen,

leave, stay,
what the hell,

I still gotta go to work
in the mornin'.

Come on,
Arch, admit it,

you hate to see us go.

Well, I hate to see
Gloria and Joey go.

Yeah, no, no, no,

you hate
to see me go, too.

Come on, come on,
admit it, let it out.

Deep down inside you have
some real feelings for me.

Listen, I ain't got
no real feelings at all.

Remember that.

Yes, you do.

Arch, come on, you know,
deep down inside,

you know you love me.

Ah, hey.

Come on,
admit it, you love me.

Hey!

I love you.
Hey!

I love you, Arch.

Hey, hey,
whoa, whoa!

Save that stuff
for fruity California.

( knocking )

EDITH:
Archie, it's me.
Can I come in?

Oh, I don't know, Edith,

there's a couple of guys
in love in here.

Well, I gotta
interrupt you.

I need the ointment.

Joey's got a rash
on his little heinie.

Watch the razor,
will ya, Edith?

Do you want me to start
talking to you

out of the side
of my neck?

Did you use up
Joey's ointment?

Why should I, Edith?

Have I got a rash
on my little heinie there?!

( knocking )

GLORIA: Hey, hey,
can I come in?

You come in,
she wants in.

Depends on what
you wanna do.

I'm kinda desperate,

so would you all
please hurry?

Hey, where's
my panty-hose?

Oh, panty-hose,
is that what that was?

Yeah, why?

Well, I wiped off
the mirror with somethin'.

It's in the hamper,
I don't know.

Oh, Daddy.

Excuse me, Michael.

Oh, look at these.

Now I'm gonna have
to wash them again.

Look at--Will ya--

Would you look at this?

This is worse
than the army.

Life's impossible
for me around here--

Oh. Oh, would you
please hurry up
and get out of here?

I gotta go.

Well,
whose fault is that?

Gloria, have you seen
Joey's ointment?

I used it all up, Ma.

You can use
talcum powder on him.

Oh, yeah.

Look at her
hoppin' around
on one foot.

Well, wait a minute,
I gotta get Joey's ta--

Not now, Ma, please.

Hurry up.

There's a lot of things
I need you to pick up for me.

at Ferguson's market.

Oh, Mike, wait till you see
what I'm makin' you

for your last supper.

Last supper--
Last supper, Edith?

Who the hell
are the guests gonna be?

The twelve apostles, huh?

Last dinner.
"Dinner." Say that.

I don't care
what you call it.

It's the last time
we're gonna be together.

Oh, Mike.
Oh, Ma.

Oh!

Just don't start cryin'
and slobberin', will you?

The last thing I need
at this moment

is a rush of sediment.

( toilet flushes )

Okay.

( Gloria screams )

ARCHIE: It's only me.

EDITH: It's only me.

MIKE: It's only me.

GLORIA: Well,
did you see anything?

♪ So sweet ♪

♪ On the sunny side
of the street ♪

( phone rings )

Oh, uh,
somebody get that.

My hands
is in the turkey!

I'll get it, Ma.

Hello?

Yeah, this is
Michael Stivic.

Don't tie up
the line.

( singsong voice )
EDITH: Archie.

It's Archie,
it ain't "Archieeeee."

Here's
the shopping list.

See what we got.

Uh, lettuce,
apples, pears.

What the hell
is "krautons"?

That's "croutons."

What the hell
is croutons?

You put 'em
in the salad.

What do they do in there?

They're delicious.
You'll find out.

I don't want
no mystery salad, Edith.

Open up a can
of grapefruit wedges,

and give me that
with plenty of sugar,
that's all.

All right.
Okay, see you got
a nice spread.

Well, all right,
I'll be a sport, too.

Come home from a saloon,
I'll bring a bottle
of champagne.

Maybe I'll even bring home
a whole maggot, huh?

Oh, Archie!

Edith, I gotta
keep tellin' ya,

don't start things up with me
just before I go to work, huh?

You're still hangin' up
the line there.

MIKE: Yeah, oh, that really
sounds great, Professor.

Yeah, we'd love to,

and, hey, by the way,

Gloria and I are both
looking forward

to coming out to California.

I mean,
we've never been there,

and I think Joey's just
going to love it, our son.

Yeah, we're all
really, really,

looking forward
to the future.

Here's a little something
from out of your past--

( blows raspberry )

Well, anyway,

we'll see you tonight
at : then, right?

Yeah, okay, goodbye.

Who was that, honey?

Honey, honey, that was
Professor Lyman King.

He's the head
of my department,

and he's in town
and wants to see me

and he wants to meet you--
Michael,
you're spitting.

I know, I can't help it,
but he wants to see us
both tonight

at the Oak room
of the Plaza Hotel
at : for dinner!

He wants to meet me?

Yeah, and he wants
to meet me!

What'll I wear?

How 'bout clothing?

What should I do
with my hair?

Bring it along.

And what about
my fingernails?

Bring them, too.

Oh, what am I
gonna say to him?

How 'bout, uh,
"How do you like my hair
and my fingernails"?

Oh, Michael,
the Plaza Hotel.

Huh?

Oh, but do you think
Ma will mind?

Why should Ma mind?

Well, because...

she's making that
big dinner for us tonight.

Oh, gee, I forgot
all about that.

Honey, this is--

It's very important
that I meet this guy.

Yeah,
and at the Plaza Hotel.

Yeah.

Oh, honey,
she'll understand that.

Yeah, she's gotta
understand this, right?

Yeah, why don't you
go on in and tell her,

because I gotta phone Trudy

and see if I can borrow
her fur chubby.

She'll understand,
right, honey?
Yes.

Yeah, there's
no problem, right?
No.

No, there's no problem.
No.

There's no problem,
right?
Right.

( sighs )

There's a problem.

Oh, hi, Mike.

Hi, Ma.

Wow.

Wow, look at all this food
that you're preparing

just for us tonight.

Yeah.

It looks good.

I bet you went to a lot
of trouble, huh?

Oh, no, it ain't
no trouble, Mike.

I'm glad I got
somethin' to do.

It takes my mind
off of your going away.

Oh, my.

Uh, I better
go talk to Gloria.

Well, I got the coat.

Oh, honey.

Oh, are you all right?
I'm sorry.

It's all right.
I deserved it.

Oh, well, I just
came in here to say

I have figured out
what to wear tonight.

Oh, what?

I'm gonna wear
my beautiful,
blue cocktail dress

with your pearls, Ma.

Uh, honey,
we'd better talk.

You don't have
to dress up tonight.

Honey,
we'd better talk.

Yes, I do.

Honey, I think
we'd better talk.

Well, aren't you
gonna dress up, honey?

No, he don't
have to dress up.

I ain't gonna dress up,
and I know Archie ain't--

Well, Ma, you and Daddy
don't have to dress up,

'cause you're not
goin' to dinner.

That's right, we ain't
got no place to go

'cause we're here.

Michael,
didn't you tell Ma

that you and I are havin'
dinner tonight

at the Plaza Hotel?

No, honey,
I--I think you just did.

Uh, I'll see you later.

I'm sorry, honey.

I'm just, uh,
too uncomfortable

to stay in the room
anymore.

Gee, Ma, I'm sorry
about the mix-up.

I thought Michael
already told you.

That phone call
was from his new boss,

and he's in town
and he wants to take us
out to dinner tonight.

Oh.

To the Plaza Hotel, Ma.

Isn't that great?

Well, you been going out
so much all week

to your
goodbye parties,

I thought we was gonna have
our own goodbye party.

Yeah, but I think
having this meeting
with the professor

is pretty important.

Oh.

I know what we can do.

We can invite
the professor here!

We got plenty of food.

That way we can k*ll
two birds with one turkey.

I don't think Daddy
and the professor
should meet.

Gloria, your father
ain't stupid,

no matter what people say.

( sighs )

Ma, can you imagine
this Professor King

trading viewpoints
with Archie Bunker?

I don't think
it would be bad.

Ma, it would be like
Eric Sevareid

trying to talk
to Fred Flintstone.

It would be a disaster.

I'm sorry, Ma, but I think
we'd better go out.

You don't really mind,
do ya?

Oh, no, you go ahead.

Yeah, go ahead.

You and Mike go out, yeah.

Archie and me'll
stay here and have turkey...

and string beans

and the cranberries
are homemade, not in a can,

and the broccoli
with the hollandaise sauce

I made myself,

and the apple pie, homemade
with sharp cheese on it,

and--and two kinds
of mashed potatoes

and chestnut stuffing--

Oh, and if there's
anything left over,

I'll take it
to the Sunshine Home

where they'll appreciate it.

I guess if you're
ashamed of your father,

you must be
ashamed of me, too.

ARCHIE: * Just a gigolo,
everywhere I go *

♪ People know
the part I'm playing ♪

♪ Paid for every dance,
selling each romance ♪

Hey, Edith, I'm home.

Oh, Archie!

I got dinner all ready,
right on time.

Aw, terrific.

Hey, and look what
I got here, huh?

Take a look at this.

Oh, my!

This is real
imitation vintage there,
Edith.

I don't care what the hell
you do with this junk,

but put Lady Bubbles
right on the ice.
Go ahead now.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.
How come only two plates here?

That's all we need.

Uh, you mean a couple
eatin' off each plate here?

Like dogs
in an Alpo commercial?

There's been
a change of plans.

Mike and Gloria
are eatin' out tonight.

Mike--they're eatin'--
hey, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Get back here!
Get back here!

Edith!

What the hell's goin' on?

Mike's professor is in town.

He's--wait a minute!
Get back, Edith! Edith! Edith!

Edith, please, more, more!

It's important that they
have dinner with him.

Well, wait a minute!
Wait, wait, wait!

Wait a minute!
What are you saying to me?

It's more important for them
to have dinner with him

than with
their next of skin?

That's what
Gloria thinks.

That's what--Oh,
that's what Gloria thinks.

Well, do you know
what I think, Edith?

I think that there's
a meathead in the woodpile.

Oh, no, no, please,
don't talk to 'em,

not now, Archie.
They're gettin' dressed.

Don't bother.

Hey,
youse two up there.

Come down. I wanna
talk to youse there.

No, Archie, please
don't have a fight

the last night
they're here.

There ain't
gonna be no fight.

I'm gonna yell at them,
and they're gonna
listen to me.

I wanna hear it
from their own two mouths

that they ain't
got no respect
for their mother.

Hey, Edith,
it's in the Bible there.

Honor thy parents there.

That's one of the Lord's
top ten commandments, huh?

That's right around

covetin' your neighbor's, uh,
cattles and wives and asses.

That's gotta be number three,
or at least number four.

It's five.

It's still
good at five.

Come on down, youse two,
I wanna talk to ya.

Archie, come on, sit down
and eat your dinner.

I already got mad at Gloria
enough for the both of us.

Let me get mad enough
for myself, would you?

But Gloria and me
apologized to each other,

and now it's all right
with me.

But it ain't
all right with me.

Sit down, Archie.

They gotta think
of Mike's career.

I mean,
they got their whole
lives ahead of 'em.

I don't want
their whole lives.

I only want 'em
here for tonight.

Well, here,
I'll find out--
Shh.

Hiya, Daddy.

Hi, Gloria.

I hope you understand

why we won't be eatin'
with you tonight.

Uh, like I was
sayin' there, Edith,

the way my old man taught me
the ten commandments, see,

he said it this way--

"Honor thy father,
and thy poor mother, too,

"be you Baptist, Methodist,
Lutheran, or Jew,

and if thee don't do that,
I'll set fire to thou."

And so saith the Lord,

as he stepped off
of the Mayflower.

Arch,
can I say something?

Not to me, buddy.

No. Edith,
ain't it funny--

ain't funny, huh,

the way when children
are young and little,

you never know
that they're gonna grow up

to give you the shaft.

Pass the beans,
huh, darlin'?

Daddy, you're making me
feel terrible.

Did I hear
a voice, Edith?

Yeah, Gloria said

that you're makin' her
feel terrible.

I done good, huh?

Come on, honey,
let's go.

Michael,
I can't stand this.

Gloria, don't you see

what he's trying
to do to you?

Well,
he's already done it.

I can't go now.

What do you mean
you can't go?

Honey, this is the most
important night of my life.

I know. I'm sorry.

Then you'll have
to go by yourself.

Go by mys--I'm not
gonna go without you.

But, Michael, I have
to stay here with them,

so you will have
to go by yourself.

All right, all right,

you want me to go
by myself? Fine.

I'll go by myself.
Goodbye.

Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

You told me
to go by myself.

Well,
I didn't mean it.

You know, Edith,

I once read
in Emily Post there,

that whispering in the far
corners of the room

is a very low-class
thing to do.

No.
Gloria.

Shh!
Glori--

Glor--Glori--

Ma, am I still invited
to eat dinner with you?

Oh, su--

Uh, bless this food
to, uh, youse,

oh, Lord there,

and please forgive parties
we don't have to mention

for wasting a good
dinner like this

when there's starvation
in the Bronx and Panama.

Am I still invited?

Oh, sure, Gloria.
Get yourself a plate.

How about you,
Mike?

All right.

All right, I'll call up
Professor King,

and I'll tell him
that I'm canceling out

on the most important
night of my life,

and maybe, just maybe,
he won't be so insulted

that he'll never
speak to me again
for the rest of my life.

I hope
this pleases you, Daddy.

Well, let me tell you,
little girl,

a sour-puss never
afflicts my appetite,

you know?

It looks good, Ma.

Oh, thank you.

Well, I mean,
it ain't exactly

the Plaza bill
affair there,

but I think you'll find it
tasty, you know?

Your poor mother
was in the kitchen all day

cookin' herself
unconscious.

Oh, I ain't unconscious.

Yes, you are.
Look at yourself.

I'm sorry, Professor,

we really can't
make it tonight.

No, uh, well, there's
a sickness in the family.

Yeah,
it's my father-in-law.

No, no, no, it's just
that he's not normal.

All right, well, we'll see you
out in Santa Barbara.

Yeah, goodbye.

( sighs )
Oh, boy.

( sighs )

Ain't this nice?

The whole
family together.

Have some turkey, Mike.

I don't want any,
Ma.

Oh, how about
chestnut stuffing?

I'm not hungry.

Oh, come on.

All right,
I'll have a little.

You know, Edith,

it's terrific
how a mountain of food

knocks the hell
out of sadness.

( crunching loudly )

( crunches )

You ever notice, Edith,

how some people eat celery

and make it sound
like a gorilla

eatin' the bark
off of a tree?

I ain't mentioning
nobody in particular.

I just glance at the party
and whistle, you know.

( whistles )

And, Ma,
you know how a father

gets his daughter

to do anything
that he wants her to do

at any time?

He makes her feel
like a bad little girl.

He makes her feel guilty.

( crunches )

Edith, you know what
makes a bad little girl

feel guilty?

Nothin' that her
dear daddy ever done.

Somethin' that
she done herself.

For instance, honorin'
an ignorant, "ingrateful,"

meat-headed husband,

instead of her darlin'
mother and father!

He threw food.

And do you know how
to get away from a man

who insults you
and calls you names

and criticizes the way
you eat, the way you dress,

the way you talk,
the way you think,

for eight years?!

You move out to California
as fast as you can!

Hold it,
hold it, hold it.

I got one more thing
to ask Edith.

You gotta
listen to this.

Edith, do you know how
to get to California

as fast as you can?

You take the next plane!

You don't wait
to take a plane tomorrow!

Thanks for
the suggestion, Arch!

Adios, amigo!

Come on, Gloria.

Right now we're
getting out of here!

We are leaving
right now!

I am not staying
in this loony bin
one more minute!

This loony bin

happens to be
my father's house.

That's why
it's a loony bin!

Hey, little girl,
there's no sense in trying
to talk to a meathead.

And, for once
and for all,

you stop calling
my husband a meathead.

MIKE: Joey, Joey!

Archie, Archie,
they mean it.

They're really
goin' tonight.

They wouldn't stay
for the last dinner.

What the hell
do I care what they do?

Archie, please
do something.

Oh, I am certainly gonna
do something, Edith.

I'm gonna hold open
that front door for them.

No!

ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.