08x24 - The Stivics Go West

[bunniefuu]

Hey, little girl,
there's no sense in trying
to talk to a meathead.

And, for once
and for all,

you stop calling
my husband a meathead.

MIKE: Joey, Joey!

Archie, Archie,
they mean it.

They're really
goin' tonight.

They wouldn't stay
for the last dinner.

What the hell
do I care what they do?

Archie, please
do something.

Oh, I am certainly gonna
do something, Edith.

I'm gonna hold open
that front door for them.

No!

♪ Boy, the way
Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made
the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us,
we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew
where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls
and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need
no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled
his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle
ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

I wanna know why that Meathead
couldn't wait here in New York
for a promotion.

Or why the hell he had
to run out to California to be
a dumb assistant professor.

Because they pay higher
for that out in California.

Money don't mean everything.

I don't like the idea
of California.

I'm kinda scared
of California.

Hey, you know somethin'?

There's a very high percentage
of people gets m*rder*d
in California?

People get m*rder*d
in New York, too.

Yes, but when you're m*rder*d
in New York, at least the police
can tell you why.

You get m*rder*d
out in California
for no good reason.

I don't wanna talk
about murders.

Oh, let me tell you,
there's some weird murders
out there in California.

You could get m*rder*d
by some rich kid who's tired
of playin' the guitar.

But you can't tell
that Meathead nothin'.

You can't tell him nothin'!
He knows everything!

If he was bendin' over here,
I'd like to walk up behind him
and give him--

Oh, jeez! Oh, oh!
Cramp in the leg!

Cramp in the leg!
Cramp in the leg!

Hurry up! Hurry up!

Pull the heel
and push the toes!

Jeez! Oh! Oh, God.

Ahh. Ahh.

We are gonna see 'em again--

when we go out there
to California next year.

Oh, what for?

For their tenth anniversary.

They're gonna repeat their vows
and get married again.

Don't you wanna see your
little girl get married again?

Only if she marries
somebody else.

Archie, I can't believe
that you mean that.
Let me get up, Edith.

Another cramp!
Another cramp!
The left leg!

Get it! Oh, Edith,
this one's for life!

Michael, I'm only gonna
ask you one more time.

I want you and Daddy
to kiss and make up.

I'll kiss and make up,

but you know where
he's gonna have to kiss me.
Michael.

You got it!

All right, Mr. Stubborn,

then I'm gonna go talk
to Ma and Daddy myself.

Talk to 'em.
I don't care.

Shh, shh, shh.

Aah!

No, please,
don't wake up Joey.

Oh, Ma.

Gloria, I'm gonna
miss you so much.

Me too, Ma,

but we're gonna
see you next year

on our tenth anniversary.

Oh, Gloria, your father
is so mad now,

I don't think
he'd go to California

even to see John Wayne.

But, Ma, we can't
get married again

without you there!

Don't cry.

Wait a minute.

Wait,
I just got an idea.

You know what?

What if we got married again
right here in this house

tomorrow before we leave.

Tomorrow?
Yeah.

But what about Mike
and your father?

They ain't talkin'
to each other.

Oh, but it'll be a great
way to get everybody

talking to each other
again, Ma.

There ceremony will be
with just the four of us,

nobody else, and I know how
to make Daddy agree to it.

We'll be married this time
by a minister.

Oh, yeah.

But it ain't your tenth
anniversary yet.

Well, so what?

We'll move it up a year.

I mean, what's a year?

At least we'll all
be together.

We're all gonna be
together another year?

No, but, Archie,

Mike and Gloria are gonna
get married again

here tomorrow,
before they leave,

by a minister.

Oh, come on, won't that
make you happy, Daddy?

If I say no,
what are you gonna do?

Hit me on top
of my head again?

Oh, I'm sorry I did that
to you tonight.

I gotta go tell Michael.

Ah, to hell with him!

Oh!

I knew that was
gonna happen, see?

Nobody gives a damn
what I say in this house
no more.

I might as well be talkin'
to the wall here.

Hiya, wall,
how you doin' there?

Archie, please don't
talk to the wall.

Why not?

It makes me nervous.

Oh, jeez.

Stick around, wall,
I'll talk to you later.

Hey, hey, don't push me!
Don't push me!

I am not talking to him!

I said I'm not
talking to him.

- I'm not talking
to that man!
- Hey, you listen to me.

You talk in this house,
you talk to me.

You know
the old sayin'--

Love me, love my dog.

You don't have a dog.

Then shut up!

No, no, no.

Mike, ain't you two
ever gonna make up?

- No!
- No!

Michael,
do you love me?

Oh, Gloria,
don't start this.

Do you love me?

Yes, yes, I love you.
I love you.

That's nice.

And, Daddy,
do you love me?

Oh, come on,
little girl,

don't start anything
like this, will ya?

- Do you--
- Oh, jeez, all right!

All right, then.

If you both love me,

then you'll both
make up with each other,

or else you're both
gonna lose me,

because, Michael, I'll send
you off to California alone,

and, Daddy, I'll pack up Joey
and move to Canada.

And I'll go with ya.

Stifle yourself.

Now, you two
gonna shake hands?

- No.
- No.

You gonna shake hands?

BOTH: Ow, the hair,
the hair!

All right,
all right, all right.

Yeah!

Now we can
all get some sleep.

[JOEY CRYING]

Oh, look,
you woke up the baby.

There you go.
There you go.

- It's your fault.
- Oh, jeez, it's in the toe.

It's in the toe!
Ooh, God, ooh.

I'll bet
that really hurts, huh?

It hurts like hell.

Too bad.

Archie,
would you hook me?

Thought I hooked you
years ago.

Oh, oh.
[LAUGHS]

Help you
with your coat.

Oh, come on, I don't
have to wear a coat.

Oh, sure.

Oh, come on,
Edith, will ya?

We're just going
to a weddin',

not out to dinner.

Oh, Archie, you wanna
look nice, don't ya?

Oh, jeez, all this
fussin' for what?

God, you'd think you and me
was gettin' married.

Forget it, forget it,
forget it, forget it.

But, Archie, no,

when Mike and Gloria
repeat their vows,

we could
repeat ours, too.

No dice, no dice,
Edith, none of that.

Yeah, it would be
so romantic.

Oh, it will be dumb.

Dumb, dumb, dumb.

There's nothing wrong
with two people

showing the world
that they love each other.

Dumb diddle-ee-um dumb,
dumb, dumb.

Case closed.

Oh, well, jeez.

Stop naggin', Edith.

I didn't say a word.

That's the worst
kind of naggin'.

You're doin' it again,
Edith.

The answer is still "no,"
understand?

No. And that ends it.

Now, listen...

...and listen good.

Don't expect me...

to do this
every years.

Oh, thank you, Archie.

Ma and Daddy,
Reverend Chong is here.

EDITH:
We'll be right down.

ARCHIE:
This is so silly.

Reverend Chong,
if it's okay with you,

Michael and I would like you
to read this passage

during the ceremony,

'cause we had it read
at our first wedding.

Oh,
this will be fine.

EDITH: Here we come!

Surprise, everybody.

♪ Here comes the other
bride and groom ♪

Ah, don't do that.

♪ All dressed
in brown and blue ♪

Would you cut it out?

It's so embarrassing,
Edith.

[CONTINUES SINGING]

You wanna get divorced before
you get remarried, huh?

Hello,
Reverend Chong.

You remember my husband,
Archie Bunker.

Yes.

Oh, yeah, yeah,

you're the guy that refused

to baptize Joey
behind their backs.

- That's right.
- Why don't you
refuse to do this?

This is kosher.

Ah, jeez.

Oh, Ma, Daddy,
you're gettin'
remarried, too.

It had nothin'
to do with me.

It's your mother's idea.

Is it all right?

Oh, sure, Ma.

BOTH: Oh, is it all right,
Reverend Chong?

Look at the
Andrews Sisters here.

Yes, of course.

Of course
it's all right.

Oh, then I'll be
your bridesmaid,

and you can be mine.

Oh, yeah!

Well, I'll be
my own best-man,

and you can be
whatever it is you are.

Is that all right there,
Reverend Chin?

- Chang.
- Chong.

Whatever.

♪ Oh, promise me ♪

♪ That someday you and I ♪

♪ Will take our love
together-- ♪

[PRESSES KEY]

Hey, Edith,
hey, hey, Edith, hey,

we really don't
need no music.

The Reverend here
is in an awful hurry.

He has to get right back
to his restaurant. Come on.

CHONG: Uh, shall we
start the ceremony?

Where do we stand?

Brides here,
Mr. Stivic here,

uh, Mr. Bunker
right here.

Yeah, okay, okay,
dearly beloved,
dearly beloved,

dearly beloved,
here we go.

[CLEARS THROAT]
Dearly beloved--

Good.

Uh, before we commence,

Mr. Stivic asked
that I read a passage

for this
beautiful occasion.

- Oh, jeez.
- Daddy.

You gotta stand when
you're gettin' married.

A little respect.

I thought he was doin'
an intermission number.

Uh, the passage
is as follows--

"Sing and dance together
and be joyous,

"but let each one
of you be alone,

"for the pillars
of the temple stand apart,

"and the oak tree
and the cypress grow not
in each other's shadow,

"for if one tree tries
to overshadow the other,

then that one
will wither and die."

Why do you
look at me on "die"?

[CLEARS THROAT]

Do you, Gloria,

take Michael to be your
lawful, wedded husband?

I do.

And do you, Michael,

take Gloria to be
your lawful, wedded wife?

I do.

And, Mrs. Bunker--

Oh, I do!

Let the poor man
finish here, will ya?

I knew what
he was gonna say.

Do you, Archibald,

Oh...

[LAUGHS]

Just make believe
he ain't here.

Go ahead.

Do you, Archibald,

take Edith to be
your lawful wedded wife?

[EXHALES]

Archie.

Give me a minute,
will you, Edith?

All right, all right,

it's only a joke, a joke.

It's only a joke, huh?

Well, do you,
or don't you?

I do.
Get off my back.

The rings,
please.

Now,
repeat after me.

I, Michael,
give you this ring...

I, Michael,
give you this ring...

As a symbol of my vow.

As a symbol of my vow.

And, now,
Mrs. Bunker.

I can't get it off.
It's stuck.

Since when?

Since years.

Oh, well, perhaps
we should dispense
with the ring.

Yeah,
we don't need it.

Oh, no, you gotta have
a ring, or it ain't legal.

All right,
hey, little girl,

give me a loan
of yours there, will ya?

Oh, sure.

Don't spit all over it,
would ya?

It doesn't hurt.

All right.

Now,
repeat after me.

Yeah, I will,
go ahead.

I, Archibald,
give you this ring--

Hold it, hold it.
Do you mind?

"I, Archie," huh?

All right. What?

Give you this ring.

Give you this ring. What?

As a symbol of my vow.

As a what?

Symbol of my vow.

Symbol of my what?

Vow.

Vow.

It don't fit.

Whose fault is that?
You let your fingers go.

Uh, by the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
husbands and wives.

Grooms, you may
kiss your brides.

Oh.

He said,
"kiss the bride,"

not "eat the face
off her."

If you are ready,

I shall now take
the wedding picture.

Oh, a wedding picture.

Now, when I count
to three,

I want you to say,
uh, "chop suey," huh?

You never see an Oriental
without a camera.

Now, get together,
get together.

Closer, closer.

Put your hand in
like this.

All right.
One, two, three.

ALL: Chop suey!

[HORN HONKS]

Yeah, we'll be with you
in a minute!

Honey, hurry up,
the cab's here.

GLORIA: I'm hurryin'.

...good time
in California.

You're gonna see
Disneyland,

and you're gonna meet
Mickey Mouse,

and Donald Duck.

GLORIA: Ma, would you
bring Joey up here?

I gotta get him ready.

All right, come on
upstairs, Joey.

Yeah, well, I can do that,
Edith, you know?

No, I'll do it,
I'll do it.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Edith, I wanna do it.

I think he went potty.

Oh, you do it.

Yeah, uh, just give us
a few more minutes.

Atta boy.

[LAUGHS]

[SIGHS]

Well...

I guess this is it.

You wouldn't be tryin'
to make me feel good,

would you there?

Arch...

...I wanna thank you.

Well, go ahead.

I wanna thank you for...

for all the years you let me
live here, and...

...for all
the free meals, and...

...for all the nice times
we had together.

I--I know there was a lot
of arguing and fighting,

but we...we did
have some nice times.

Yeah,
there was nice times.

You been like
a father to me.

Well, hey, you know,

you been just like
a son to me.

You never did nothin'
I ever told you to do.

Hey, Arch, uh,

we want you and Ma
to come visit us out there.

Oh, uh,
maybe your mother-in-law
can do that, but you know...

I--I think you'd
like it out there.

Nah,
I don't think so.

Sure, fresh juice
every morning.

Well, you know me,
I always take the canned.

Lots of sunshine?

Yeah, well, I burn easy.

Pacific Ocean?

Yeah, well, I don't
like an ocean

where the sun goes down.

I like an ocean
where the sun comes up,
you know?

I'm gonna miss you.

Well, listen,
I--I'm gonna...

...you know, I...

Hey, listen...

...you just take...

...very good care
of Gloria and Joseph.

Those are two things you never
have to worry about, Arch,

I promise.

EDITH: ...And we'll
put your coat on.

GLORIA: Michael,
I think Joey's hungry.

Would you get him
a glass of milk

and a cookie,
or somethin'?

Oh, sure.
Come on, pal.

You know, I think I could
use a snack myself.

Yeah, eat somethin'.

I read in the papers
where millions of Americans

starve to death
on the way to airports.

Ma?

Gloria.

Oh, Ma.

Oh, Gloria.

Hey, Edith, Edith, Edith,
come on now, huh?

Don't start
slobberin' now, please.

I love you, Ma.

I love you, Gloria.

Hey.

I love you, Daddy.

Well, your daddy certainly
loves you, little girl.

[CRYING]

[HORN HONKS]

[GLORIA WHIMPERS]

Yeah, the taxi meter's
runnin' out there,

you know?

You better call them two
out of the kitchen, huh?

Yeah, do that.

Michael,
the cab driver's honkin'.

Okay, honey.

You wanna take Joey?

Oh, Joey.

Goodbye, Joey.

Say goodbye to Grandma.

Say goodbye to Grandpa.

So long, Joe.
So long, Joe.

- Goodbye.
- So long, Joe.

EDITH: Remember
Grandma loves you.

[SOBBING]

I love you, Mike.

I love you, Ma.

Hey, the taxi meter's
runnin' on there, you know?

It's gotta be at least
a $ ride out there.

You don't wanna
add to it, you know?

There's no use
in doin' that.

They...charge you enough
for them rides.

Yeah.

Yeah.

EDITH: Gloria, Gloria!

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Ma.

Goodbye, Joey.

Goodbye, Mike.

Bye, Ma.

- Arch--
- Hey, listen, have a good
trip there, huh?

Have a good trip.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

I--I know you always
thought I hated you...

...but I love you.

Hey, uh...

...you be sure
and send, uh, postcards

every now and then,
will ya?

Because your mother-in-law,

she's--she's wanna...

...she's gonna
wanna know that...

...you're all right,
you know?

Well,
that's a good sky.

Well, take off,
and have a good trip.

Yeah, bye, Arch.

[CAB DOOR CLOSES]

[ENGINE STARTS]

[TAXI DRIVES OFF]

[SOBS]

[BLOWS]

I got ya a beer,
Archie.

Here I come.

H-Here's your beer.

Yeah,
leave it there, Edith.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

ROB REINER: All in the Family
was recorded on tape

before a live audience.