01x05 - Episode Five

[bunniefuu]

Already? It's started already?

I think it's just a rehearsal, love.

They've been playing the same
three songs since 1795 --

what do they need to rehearse for?

Well, practice makes perfect, Aunt Mary.

You know, that is why they are so cr*cker.

I'm sorry?

Did you just call the
Orange Order "cr*cker"?

I'm considering joining.

I don't think they accept Catholics, Orla,

or, you know, acknowledge
our right to exist.

Give us a hand here, Gerry --

this'll not close.

We need to shift ourselves!
We're the last Fenians standing.

Relax, love, we've got a
good two or three hours

before the rioting starts.

I'll not settling myself until
we're over that border, Da.

You're absolutely sure we
need the big clock, love?

We've been through this, Gerry.

Definitely don't want
to bring the wee clock?

I can't be doing with the wee clock!

What is your problem with the big clock?

It wouldn't say I have a problem, as such,

it's just much heavier and
takes up a lot of room.

I'm telling you, Mary,
that's how it starts --

now he's dictating what
size of clock you can pack.

Next you'll be telling you
what to wear, what to say.

Before you know it, you'll
be faking your own death

and assuming a new identity.

Erin, I told you not to let him
watch that Sleeping With The Enemy.

- Couldn't stop him, Mammy.
- Great show.

Stick that in the boot.

You'll be as well getting
one of the wee'uns to do it.

Out of the way.

Listen to it! I mean, just listen
to it! I mean... I mean, I don't...

- I mean, why do they have to be so loud?
- Breathe, love.

Far worse for me, Clare. I
mean, my hearing's impeccable.

I've read the same paragraph 47 times

because I can't concentrate because...

Oh, my God, the noise!

This whale, he's a bad brute, Mrs Quinn.

I have to know if they catch him.
Can I come away with you, please?

OK, well, if your mother has no
objections, I don't see why not.

Thank you. Thank you. I'll
never forget this. Thank you!

She's taking you to a
caravan in Portnoo --

she's not giving you her kidney, Clare.

Listen, Mary, I just did a reading.

The cards say if we go on this wee
holiday, we're placing ourselves

in grave danger, which I'm not
buzzing about, to be honest.

You're not psychic, Aunt Sarah.

I am psychic, Erin. I did a course.

I got a certificate.

Aye, this does not look good.

Still no sign of the lottery numbers?

No, Daddy, this psychic carry-on,

it's not all it's cracked
up to be, you know?

Last night, I woke up to
this... wailing sound.

I thought to myself,
"Jesus, it's Granny Pat,

"she's trying to cross over."

Now, it turned out it was
only Aggie next door.

She'd put the electric
blanket on full whack

and scalded the legs o' herself.

But still, it could just
as easily have been...

- The disembodied spirit of
a dead relative? - Exactly.

My nerves are wrecked. I am
living on a Kn*fe's edge here.

Is there any Rice Krispies?

Shh! Shh! This is the best bit!

OK, everyone! Remain calm!

I need you all to listen very carefully.

OK, I'm going in.

For the love of God, don't come in here!

Everything all right, Mary?

Stay back, Deirdre. This
place is a death trap.

Listen, Mary, I hate to do this
to you, but me and Martin are both

working nights and I'm nervous about
leaving these two on their own...

Don't suppose there's any chance
you could take them with you?

- Ach, away, Deirdre, it's just...
- The English thing?

Listen, Mary, I understand.

I mean, he's my nephew, and
even I find it hard to get past.

If I'm totally honest, there's times
when I look at him and I feel...

well, it's pure hatred.
I'll not dress it up.

No, no, it's not the English thing.

I hope to God it's not the
gay thing you're offended by.

There is no gay thing.

Because I'd be disappointed
in you, Mary -- I'll not lie.

Of course not. I mean, if anything,

the gay thing sort of cancels
out the English thing.

Again, no gay thing.

You wouldn't move over there, James?

I can't see past your massive closet.

- I'm just not sure we'll have room
in the caravan. - It'll be grand.

Us men can camp outside.

- Oh, God.
- Oh, God.

Run and ask Jim across the
road for the lend of his tent.

Oh, thanks a million, Mary. I owe you one.

Here, if you want our Ryan to
sort that gable wall of yours out,

you've only to ask.

What's wrong with our gable wall?

- Christ's sake!
- Do you think it's an omen?

Right, now watch.

What about that?

I tell you, girls, the double
glazing, it'll change your life.

Yeah, as I said, it's...
it's very impressive, Jim.

But we're actually in a bit of a hurry,

so if we could just grab that tent.

Mind-blowing.

What are they, stilts?

- Golf clubs.
- I thought... spatulas.

They're r*fles!

Really? Are you sure?

Fairly sure!

I also don't understand
what connection spatulas,

golf clubs or stilts would
have to the Irish resistance!

Christ, he's a dose.

Now, once your tent is erect...

.. you'll want to think about
where to safely store your food,

because believe me, girls,

you do not want to attract predatory
animals into your sleeping area.

Bears are particularly vicious.

Yeah, I'm not sure how many bears
there are in Portnoo, though, Jim.

But there was a cheetah
on the beach one time.

That was a greyhound, Orla.

I know what I saw.

He give you the Intrepid, did he?

That's his second best tent, you know?

I'll tell you what, son, I'm
putting you in charge, OK?

Oh, please don't. Please
don't put me in charge of it.

You'll be all right.

Right, there's too many of us for one car.

Some of you will have to go with me da.

Can I? Can I?

Cos Joe drives really fast.

He, like, runs through red lights
and takes corners on two wheels.

- It's class!
- It really is.

- I think I'll hop in with Mr
Quinn, if that's OK. - Me too!

I'll go with me da -- he lets me smoke.

You're coming? What about the grave
danger we're putting ourselves in?

Well, it's a concern, but so is the fact

that I have nothing in for
me Sunday dinner, so...

All right, Joe, if you just follow me.

- Why should I follow you?
- I've got the map. - Aye.

Well, now I have the map.

Ach, Da...

Joe, it's all just a bit trickier today.

There are so many roadblocks up,
there are so many diversions,

and, you know, I drive for a living.

He says this like it's
something to be proud of.

Look, we just need to get
out of this place as quickly

and as quietly as possible.

You know what age I am, boy?

You know how many of these
parades I've lived through?

You think I don't realise how
quickly a situation can turn?

Do you think I would do anything
to put my family at risk?

No. Of course not. I'm sorry.

Aye.

What are you looking
at, you tangerine tool?!

OK, Granda...

I think what's happened here is,
now, correct me if I'm wrong,

but I think your father has just
driven through a police barricade.

- Well, it's done now.
- Oh, that's true.

It's probably not even that big
a deal if you ignore the fact

that Orangemen are circling us as
though we're their f*cking prey!

It'll be grand!

I'm starting to understand
how Moby d*ck must feel.

Christ, I'm sweating here.

You lot tell me where I can
and can't go in me own town?

Orange bastards!

- Sure, didn't I predict this?
- No, you didn't.

I said this trip would place
us in grave danger, Erin.

- Those were my very words.
- This isn't grave danger.

Oh, look, that cop's
pointing his g*n at us.

I mean, it's not ideal, but
this is more of a pickle.

It's a pickle, isn't it,
Grandad? It's just a pickle.

Arseholes!

OK, then...

- So, would you do me a reading, Sarah?
- I would surely, love.

Grow up, Michelle. A deck of cards
can't actually predict your future.

It's ridiculous. It's medieval.

Shower of shites!

They really don't look
that happy, do they?

Why don't we just that it was an accident,

that we don't want any trouble?

I'm not going out there.

- Well, send one of the
wee'uns out. - What?! - What?!

Well, the wee fella's English.
They might respect that.

I think they would respect that, actually.

- Away you go, son.
- You're not serious!

It'll be grand.

Underneath it all, I'm sure
they're reasonable enough people.

Absolutely no chance!

And how soon am I going
to meet this fella?

- Dead soon. Really soon.
- And answer me this -- is he a ride?

Oh, God, aye.

Is it just a casual thing, or
are we talking a keeper here?

- I'm thinking marriage.
- Holy f*ck!

Catch yourself on.

To think, I could be
staring at him right now.

You can't marry an Orangeman, Michelle.

That's a pity, cos I think
there's something really

sexy about the fact that
they hate us so much.

♪ Holiday!

♪ Celebrate! ♪

I hope your father
appreciates the fact that

- I was the one who got us
out of that mess. - He won't.

Nobody back there actually believed
you were a Japanese tourist, Gerry.

They all thought you were a
nutcase. They took pity on you.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no. Dear God, no!

- What's wrong?
- I can't find my purse.

- I can see your purse right there.
- No, that's my sterling purse.

I'm talking about my punt purse. I
can't find my punt purse, Gerry.

Blessed St Anthony, the Grace of
God has made you the patron saint

of all things lost and stolen.

I turn to you this day
with childlike love and...

- Look, Mary, calm down.
- Calm down, Gerry? We have no punts!

We can't go to the Free State
without punts. We're puntless.

We haven't a punt between us.

Oh, God. I think... I think
I'm having a panic att*ck.

- Oh, stupid purse.
- Over this?

So what happened back
there was totally fine,

but this, this is worth
having a panic att*ck about?

You're going to have to turn around.

There is more chance of me
eloping with your father

to a flip-flop shop in Hawaii!

Look, OK, fine! But that means
we won't be able to buy anything,

which means we'll have no food,

which means we'll all starve to death.

So, you know, on your head be it, Gerry.

Oh, actually, do you know what?
I think I put it in the suitcase.

False alarm there, St Anthony.
Sorry for troubling you.

♪ It would be, it would be so nice... ♪

What's this prick up to now?

What the hell were you playing
at back there, kemosabe?

That's actually a Native American term.

- What were you meant to be?
- Japanese.

I don't think you get much
Japanese tourism in Derry, do you?

Aye, cos that's why it
wasn't believable. Dickweed.

What's going on? Why have we stopped?

My punt purse is in the bucking suitcase.

Punts are such a pain in the arse.
Why can't they just use sterling?

Well, they did for a while, Sarah,

but then, you know, partition happened.

Holy God!

Jesus Christ.

- Did you not put him in there, Aunt Mary?
- No, no, I did not.

All right, how's it going?

Not too bad, not too bad. And yourself?

- I'm sorry, who are you?
- Ah, Emmett's the name.

Well, not my real name,
like, but it'll have to do.

- Anyway, I'll not be keeping
you. - No, hold on. Wait. - Yeah?

- Do you mind telling us what
you're doing in there? - Oh, right.

Well, during the last 24 hours,

crossing the border has become
somewhat of a priority for me,

so I did a bit of asking around,
you know, just on the off chance

someone might be heading down
that way, and your name came up.

- And... there you have it.
- Fantastic.

All right? Lovely to meet you.

♪ We need a holida-ay! ♪

- I'm in shock.
- It's insane!

- I don't even think I fancy him.
- What?

Well, it's obviously him,
it's obviously my husband.

Like, it's just too much of a coincidence.

Do you remember the whole "us being in
grave danger" thing Sarah mentioned?

Well, I think... I think this might be it!

I thought you said fortune
telling was Medieval.

Yeah, well, something has
made me reassess all that.

What was it again? Oh, aye...

- The fact that there's an actual
Provo in the boot of our car! - NO!

I've lost my bookmark!

Now I've lost my page!

Oh, my God, this day just
goes from bad to worse!

A bit of perspective maybe, Clare?

I could coolly fancy him, I suppose.

Why doesn't someone just call the police?

Cos that's not how things
work around here, James.

Well, how do things work
here? How do they work?

Will one of you please explain
it to me, because sometimes

I feel like I've gone through
the f*cking looking glass!

- Calm down, James.
- Aye, don't be such a d*ck, James.

Was there something else, or...?

Yes, there was something else, actually.

Look, I'm sure you have questions.

I just don't really
want to get into it all.

Well, we didn't really want you
to get into our boot, but...

Maybe just leave the fella
be. Sure, what's the odds?

And what if they pull us
over at the checkpoint, Joe?

What if the army asks to search the car?

The Brits are flat out with thon parade!

- They'll not bother with the likes of us.
- That's a good point.

- Stay out of it, you!
- Right, in you go, son. - Ah, Da!

Well, what do you want me to do?

Chuck the wee'un out in
the middle of nowhere?

But this is dangerous,
Joe! He is dangerous!

Er, I'm not dangerous.

In fairness, Emmett, if you
were dangerous you wouldn't say

that you were dangerous, would ya?

True.

Shh!

- Can you hear that?
- Hear what?

Come on, Emmett, out you go.

Ah-ah! You just stay where you are, son.

Ticking.

It's...

It's like a ticking sound!

I'm not comfortable driving
him across the border.

Fine...

I'll drive him.

Oh, dear God!

We're all involved in this, Da.

We'll decide what to do as a family.

b*mb! He has a b*mb!
Listen, Mammy! Listen!

Och, Erin, that's just the big clock.

It's aiding and abetting!

We're talking serious jail time here.

- Well, it's a risk we have to take.
- No, it's not, Joe!

It's not a risk we have to take
-- it's a risk we shouldn't take!

Don't you take that tone with me, boy.

He seems like a nice enough fella, Gerry.

We have to walk away from this.

What if we can't walk away,
Daddy? What if we don't help him

and he kills us all
because we know too much?

I like him. I think he's a character.

- Well? - Just a cup of tea for
me, please, love. - Same here.

- And here, thanks, love.
- Oh, and some Cokes for the wee'uns, please.

- What do you fancy, Sarah?
- I wouldn't mind a wee vodka.

Make that two.

We don't sell alcohol.

- I'll take a tea.
- Any food?

We're just looking.

Fine.

Yeah, and at 2.25 a burger,
looking is all we'll be doing!

Don't mind me, just grabbing a Kn*fe.

- Take it you haven't decided yet?
- Just leave it with me, son.

Aye, no pressure. Sure, I'll
be over here if you need me.

- What the hell does he need a Kn*fe for?
- He's eating his lunch.

God, but he has great teeth, doesn't he?

He really does, but tell the truth...

The hair -- can you see a ginger tinge?

Now that you mention it...

So Christ only knows what's lurking
downstairs -- and that is a concern.

But spending the rest of
your life with a fugitive is

less of a concern?

Absolutely.

Hey.

All right?

- I think you know who I
am. - Yeah. - You sense it?

No, I mean, I remember
-- you're with them.

Look, I just wanted to say,

- while there's obviously
something between us... - There is?

- .. the physical thing isn't
really working for me yet. - Right.

I'm not saying you won't grow on
me, you're not a bad looking lad.

- Thank you.
- But the ginger element...

- Well, I've sort of got a
borderline phobia. - I'm not ginger.

There's a tinge of it.

And while I can't say it won't
be a struggle, I'm willing to try.

Great.

- Even though it sort of
turns my stomach. - OK.

You really think this'll work?
That they'll tell us what to do?

Sure, it's worth a try.

- Would you look at that. - Well,
what do they say? - I think...

Now, I can't be certain,

but I think they're saying
you should leave Gerry.

I could have told you that
years ago and I'm not psychic!

OK, look, I've yet to hear anybody
say anything to convince me

that bringing that lad across the
border with us is a good idea.

sh*t, he's coming!

- I really didn't want to have
to do this... - Jesus Christ!

- Get down! Everybody get down!
- Is there something wrong with her?

Stop that, Erin.

Sorry, Emmett, you were saying?

I didn't want to put you in this position,

- but I can't stress the seriousness
of my situation. - Anything else?

- Oh, d'you know what? I wouldn't
mind a knickerbocker glory. - Right...

- You need to help me out here.
- We do that and we're breaking the law.

Oh, you recognise the legal system of

a brutal imperialistic oppressor, do ya?

If they can put me in jail for 20
years then yes, Emmett, yes, I do!

- Listen, have you
k*lled anyone, son? - No.

- Well, at least not directly.
- Well, there you go. So that settles it.

I don't think that does
settle it, actually, Joe!

You know what's wrong with you,
Gerry -- you're an awful wuss.

- I'm not a wuss! - You're afraid
of your own shadow. - I'm not!

Well, then, grow a set of
balls and help the fella out!

I have a set of balls,
thank you very much!

- Oh, seriously, Daddy.
- You're even afraid of that wee girl.

- What wee girl?
- That waitress!

You wanted a cup of tea,
she brought you a Coke,

and you just sat there and
said sweet Fanny Adams!

Your grandad said fanny.

But that's because I like Coke!

- Her customer service is shocking as well.
- Aye, desperate.

- Someone should say something.
- Ah, Gerry!

Gerry should say something!

I will! No problem! I'll say something.

Excuse me.

Excuse me, please.

What?

Erm, I just wanted to
say that, er, I, erm...

I ordered a tea, you brought me a
Coke, and that's not acceptable.

- But you drank the Coke.
- That's not the point.

And your service has been
nothing short of appalling,

your attitude is worse.

- It's simply not good enough!
- I'll, er...

- I'll bring you a tea.
- You do that!

I'm sorry!

I got a bit of bad news today.

I haven't really been able to focus.

I've been a bit distracted maybe.

- I'm sorry. I'll just take this...
- No, no, ignore all that.

I'll bring you your tea right away, sir.

Well, there was absolutely
no need for that.

- Jesus, Gerry!
- Harsh.

- Awful. - Poor girl. - Aye, I
can't believe you did that, Daddy.

I...

You asked me to!

How could I have known...?

Will you all just stop looking at me?

Fine...

Fine. D'you know what? Fine!

I've had it with the lot of ye!

And just for the record, back there,

I was being an Australian tourist, OK?

Australian! And I happen to think
that my accent was flawless!

Excuse me, mate! Can you
help us get outta here?

Flawless!

OK...

We have to decide what to do here,
one way or another. Let's just vote.

Leave him!

I vote we run away and leave him.

I vote we take him for
better or worse and all that.

- I vote we take him.
- Me too. - I can't decide.

I've decided -- but I'm afraid
to say what I've decided.

Why don't we just toss a coin?

Interesting.

So, heads, the wee 'Ra man comes with us.

Tails, we leave him.

- Aye, ready?
- Go on, then.

- What is that? A fish?
- A dolphin, is it?

It sort of looks like Moby d*ck, actually.

- Ah, shite, I used a punt, didn't I?
- What's on the other side?

- A harp. - So harp must be the
head and fish must be the tail?

Oh, well, that makes sense,
yeah, because fish have tails.

Why don't we just do it
again with real money?

- This is real money, Sarah.
- You know what I mean -- normal money.

- All right. Who has 10 pence?
- It was him!

The mural on our house, the spray paint...

It was Emmett. I can prove it.

Sly wee bastard.

You bloody tout!

Where is Emmett?

There he is.

Is that Jim's tent?

What's he doing?

I told you to look after that tent.

No, you didn't, you told
him to look after it!

Ah, blame the wee'un! Big man!

Jesus...

Jim's second best tent.

How am I going to break it to him?