09x12 & 09x13 - California, Here We Are

[bunniefuu]

♪ Boy, the way Glenn Miller played ♪

♪ Songs that made the hit parade ♪

♪ Guys like us, we had it made ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

♪ And you knew where you were then ♪

♪ Girls were girls, and men were men ♪

♪ Mister, we could use a man
like Herbert Hoover again ♪

♪ Didn't need no welfare state ♪

♪ Everybody pulled his weight ♪

♪ Gee, our old LaSalle ran great ♪

♪ Those were the days ♪

- EDITH: Oh, oh. Oh, we're here.
- ARCHIE: Don't get too far ahead of me there, huh?

Oh, I can't believe it. We're here.

- ARCHIE: Don't get too far ahead of me.
- I can't believe it.

- Let's stay together, huh, please?
- We're in California.

Where's Gloria?

This is most embarrassing
thing I ever went through.

Instead of checking it on with the baggage,

you gotta carry an unembalmed
turkey on a plane with you.

- I didn't want nothin' to happen to it.
- Oh, g--

What else can happen to it?
It's already dead?

- Where is she now? - [GIGGLES]

She's supposed to be here.

- There she is! - Huh?

- Gloria! Glori--
- No, Edith. No, Edith, that ain't--

That ain't--

Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry.

You look just like my
daughter from the back.

Yeah, we know, we know. Yeah.

Excuse me, madam. I'm a US Marshal.

This woman here is wanted
for setting fires.

- Oh, no! - Get over there.

- Will you sit down?
- It's nice to have met you.

- Sit down. - Where's Stephie?

Oh, gee! She's so slippery!

All right. I'll find her.

- Stephie... - I'll find--

I'll find her. You just sit down here.

Put your stuff on the
seat next to you, huh?

Hey, uh, you could move, huh? Eh? Yeah.

Come on. Now, put all your
stuff on the seat next to you.

Stay with everything.

We'll see if you can get somebody

to steal the damn turkey.

Hey, kiddo!

Hey, kid! Where is she?

Did you see a little-- No, you
don't understand nothing.

Let me through. Can I get through?

Will you let me through, fellas?

Geez, you guys shouldn't be
traveling on the weekends anyway.

Hey, kid-- Oh, there she is.

What are you doing over here?

I thought I saw John Travolta.

This is California.

You ain't gonna see any of
your little school chums.

John Travolta's a movie star.

Don't tell lies. Now, go on back over there

and sit with your Aunt Edith
at the end of the row.

Trying to keep track the two of youse

is like trying to keep a bucket
of confetti up in the air.

- Excuse me there. Excuse me.
- She isn't here.

Excuse me, did you see my Aunt Edith?

Never mind. Don't talk to them.

They'll ask you for money or something.
Gotta find your Aunt Edith.

You just come over here and sit down.

The little girl wants to sit down.

You could move, huh? Yeah, that's good.

Just sit there and stay there and
don't make me look for you no more!

- Edith! - Archie!

Where are you going?

I'm gonna go to look for you.

Oh, you found her! Hi, Stephie!

Yes. Where was you?

[WHISPERING] I had to
go to the ladies' room.

Don't never do that no more.

GLORIA: Ma!

Daddy!

There's Gloria now! There she is!

There's the little girl!

Hello, baby!

- How are you? Yeah, Daddy's here!
- Oh, Daddy.

Hi, sweetheart!

How are you, sweetheart?

Oh, yeah!

- You look beautiful, dear.
- Take off your glasses.

I can't see your face!

We can't see your face!

- My eyes are all red from the smog.
- Oh, geez.

- Ma, what do you got in that bag?
- It's a turkey.

A turkey? You hold that, Daddy.

She took this damn thing
all the way on the plane.

- [VOICES OVERLAP] - Here, hold this.

It was a lousy trip, you know?

We couldn't get a seat near the window.

Did you gain a little weight?

A few pounds.

Edith, don't lose your bag now.

Oh, that's Stephie. This is Gloria.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

- Hi, Stephie. - Hi.

Merry Christmas.

I'm sure we're gonna be good friends.

- Who's that? - Santa Claus.

Oh, he's cute.

Where is Joey and the Meathead?

Did you teach her that?

Teach her what? Where is
Joey and the Meathead?

Daddy!

Don't hit your father in the airport.

- How is Mike's back?
- Yeah, how's his back?

Still pretty bad, so he stayed
home, and I left Joey with him.

We should hurry, Daddy.

You go downstairs, and get the luggage,

and I'll bring the car
around front to pick you up.

- It's a yellow Toyota hatchback. - Ohh.

Did you learn to drive?

- Yeah, I got my license last week.
- What do you know?

She's a driver!

We should hurry now,

'cause Santa Barbara's a long drive.

- Stephanie, come with me. - Take the kid.

Daddy, the luggage
carrousel's down this way.

I know all about it. I'll get it.
Don't worry.

Archie, ain't it wonderful? They got a car!

She's driving a car, yeah.

Oh, yeah. What is a Toyota hatchback?

Well, it's little,

it's got slanty headlights,

and it'll b*mb ya without warning.

Wait a minute, Archie.

ARCHIE: Open it, will ya?

Home sweet home!

- [ARCHIE GRUNTING] - Oh, I can't...

Oh, geez.

Look at me carryin' these heavy bags.

Oh, Gloria, this is beautiful.

Thanks, Ma.

Come and help your Daddy
over here, will ya?

Oh, Daddy.

Aah, God.

Here, Ma, give me the turkey.

Oh, never mind the damn turkey.
Where's my grandson?

Well, it's his naptime.
He's probably sleeping.

ARCHIE: Oh, geez. Oh, look who's here!

Hi there.

Hi, everybody.

- Mike! - Hi, Ma.

Where's your mustache?

Oh, my! Is it gone?

Oh... Mike.

[FAKE LAUGHING, MUTTERING]

Well, why'd you shave it off?

Well, I forgot how I looked underneath.

Yeah. Well, now you know. Grow it back.

Nice to see you, Arch.

Yeah, yeah, nice to see you, Michael.

You're calling me Michael, isn't that nice?

What the hell, it's Christmas.

- Mike, I missed you.
- I missed you, too, Ma.

This is Stephanie.

Oh, yeah, look who's here.

- Stephie, this is Mike. - Hi, how are you?

I heard a lot about you. How was your trip?

I threw up twice.

Yeah, rough plane ride, huh?

I threw up in Gloria's car.

But we stopped and cleaned it all up.

Good.

Never mind that, where's my grandson?

Oh, he's sleepin'.

To hell with that! Wake him
up, I want to see him.

Oh, let him sleep.

He'll be up in a minute, Daddy.

Mike, how did you hurt your back?

I was lifting a hibachi.

What a dope. You lifted up a motorcycle?

Daddy, a hibachi's a Japanese barbecue.

- Oh. - Oh.

- I'm hungry. - I am, too.

Let's see what's in the refrigerator.

Oh, look at this, nothing's changed.

Hey, come on, you two. Let
me show you the patio.

Oh, yeah, I want to see the patio.

- Oh, yeah. - Ooh!

Ta-da!

Oh, they got an outside here, huh?

Oh!

So this is what a patio is.

Don't lose your mind, Edith.

It's only a back porch with no roof on it.

That's all it is.

You got a lot of neighbors, don't ya?

Oh, yeah.

Are they all poor or something?

No. Why?

Well, they're all just laying there

passin' around the same cigarette.

Ahh...

Gloria, take your poor mother
out of harm's way, will ya?

Look! Ma, look.

A real lemon tree.

[GASPS]

Oh!

- Can I pick one? - No.

Yeah.

Oh!

Ooh...

Oh, oh, oh!

[LAUGHS]

Oh, look, Archie,

a real lemon from a real lemon tree.

Edith, I seen all kinds
of trees in my life.

I mean, lemons, watermelons,

sweet potatoes, whatever.

You know, this is the
first lemon I ever seen

that didn't say "Sunkist."

Hey, how about this weather, huh?

Oh, yeah. It's so warm.

Well, it's too warm for me.

I love it.

Yeah, you know, warm is
really only for big bugs.

You know what I mean?

It ain't for Christmas.

Christmas oughta be cold, with ice
and with snow, but look at this--

And palm trees here.

Hey, do we have to have the palm trees?

Why don't you let me
show you all your rooms?

Oh, yeah. I'm tired.

Yeah, all right.

Yeah, 'cause I'm getting
kinda tired, you know.

Being a day ahead this way

gives you what you call "jet lock."

I think it's pretty...

...close the door that way!

I thought you were gonna stay out there.

What am I, a bush?

Geez, you'd think you'd give

some kinda warnin' about a glass door.

That's why I put the butterfly up there.

Butterfly ain't no warnin'.

You want to give a warnin', you put up a...

a skull and crossbones or something, dope.

[GIGGLING]

Stephanie, you're gonna share
Joey's room with him, okay?

Shh!

And Ma and Daddy, you take our room.

But where are you and Mike gonna sleep?

We're gonna sleep out here on the sofa bed.

- Oh, no, Archie! - Yes!

We can sleep out here on the sofa.

But our bedroom is more comfortable.

- Yeah. - No, no.

You sleep in your own room,

and Archie and me'll sleep out here.

A guest is supposed to
take the best and shut up.

Archie, they'll sleep in there,

and we'll sleep out here.

Case closed.

What a boss!

GLORIA: Look who's up!

ARCHIE: Look who's here!

Oh!

Hi, there!

Oh, my! You got so big.

ARCHIE: Hey, look at the
head of hair on that kid.

You remember me? Grandma?

Hey, hey, Joey, you remember me, huh?

Yeah. [BLOWS RASPBERRY]

He remembers me! Ha ha ha ha!
Yeah, look at that.

I cleared out some drawer and closet
space in our bedroom for you.

What do you got in these suitcases?

Your mother made cookies.

Oh. Good boy, Joey.

Come on in the bedroom and
empty out your suitcases.

Come on in and help Grandma. Come on.

Stephanie, I'll help you with
your stuff in here, okay?

There you go.

[EXHALES]

Michael, I want to thank you.

Gloria, I hate to have to
carry on this pretense.

Can't we tell them and get it over with?

Please, can't we let them enjoy
Christmas for five days?

Sooner or later, they're gonna
find out that we're separated.

[INHALES]

Ohhhh.

[INHALES]

Mmmm!

[GRUMBLES]

[INHALES]

Oh, I love California.

[BLOWING RASPBERRY]

Maybe when you retire,

we could come out here to live.

People don't come out here to live.

They come out here to die.

Oh, that ain't true.

It's a well-known fact. Look it up.

Your three biggest
industrials in California

is television, movies and cemeteries.

Speaking of which,

I'm never gonna sleep in this
damn boxed-in thing here.

God, it's like a honeymoon coffin.

Maybe if I got you a glass of milk.

Milk gives me gas.

How about some hot cocoa?

Hot cocoa gives me hot gas.

Good night, Ma.

Oh, good night, Mike.

Good night, Arch.

Good night, Mike.

You can stand up straight now.

This is ridiculous.

[EXHALES]

What are you doing?

I'm going to sleep.

Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

This is where you're gonna sleep.

Gloria, I could be very
comfortable at my own place.

I'm not gonna sleep in that chair

and wind up with a real bad back

instead of the one I'm faking.

I'm not gonna be able
to sleep in this chair.

All right, you can sleep in the bed.

No, I don't think we should
sleep in the same bed now.

All right.

I'm sleeping here. You do
whatever you want to do.

Well, I'm forced to take the chair.

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS]

[SIGHS LOUDLY]

Will you hold it down?

[EXHALES]

By the way, there'll be a
present for you from me

under the tree tomorrow,
so don't be surprised.

What is it?

It's a surprise.

I bought it for you way last October.

What'd you get for me?

Well, when we separated, I
returned what I got for you.

Uh-huh. Thanks.

I exchanged it for an
electric razor for myself.

Well, try to act surprised tomorrow,

because that's what I got you.

Thanks.

I also got myself something
from you to go under the tree.

Oh, really? What's that?

A cute little gold bracelet.

[SHORT CHUCKLE]

What'd you get me that you returned?

I forget.

A fur coat or something.

Must be an awful expensive electric razor

you got for yourself in
exchange for a fur coat.

[EXHALES NOISILY]

Is that chair real uncomfortable?

Very.

Ooh! No, Edith.

I'm too weak.

I was just trying to put out the light.

You woke me up to tell me that?

- [ARCHIE EXHALES] - It's after midnight.

I'm sure it is.

[SIGHS]

[OFF-KEY] * Silent night *

Let's keep it that way, huh, Edith?

Michael?

- Michael. - What?

What? What?

It's : in the morning.

I slept half the night in that chair.

See? And you said you couldn't do it.

Come on, Michael, trade with me.

What's fair is fair. Think about it.

Good night.

Michael.

- Cut it out, will you?
- Get out of this bed.

- Get--Give me that! - Not fair!

- You just hog everything! - Hey! Hey!

- You always did! - Give me that!

[STRAINING] Give it!

Michael...

you're an ass.

- I'm a what? - You're an ass.

A what?

[HISSING] An ass.

A what?!

Gloria...

the only reason I'm going through all this

is to do a favor to you.

Don't do me any favors.

Fine, fine. Come on, let's go.

Right now we get up, we
go into the other room

and tell your parents exactly
what's going on between us.

- Come on! - Please, please, please.

Please, Michael. Shh! Shush, shush.

They gave us five years of
happiness in their home.

The least we can do is give them
one week of happiness in ours.

Five years of happiness?

Those were the worst five years of my life.

Those were the first five
years we were married.

Bingo.

I'd like to make an observation about you,

which I believe my father may have made.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY]

You know something?

Not only are you totally brainless,

but since I moved out,

you got fat.

[CRIES LOUDLY]

[DOOR SLAMS]

- [GLORIA SOBS] - [DOOR SLAMS]

[SOBBING CONTINUES]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR] Gloria?

[KNOCKING]

Gloria, what's the matter?

[CRYING] I'm fat!

I'm fat!

It's Michael!

What's the matter with Michael?

He hurt me so!

Well, how?

I hit him!

You hit Mike?

With my hand.

I never want to see him again.

Oh, Gloria! What happened?

I can't talk about it.

Oh, well, you don't have to.

Michael and I are separated,

and it looks like we're
gonna get a divorce.

[SNIFFLES]

- Oh, no. - I'm fat.

- Oh, no. Oh, no. - I'm fat.

- No. - Yes, I am.

- No, no, no, no. - I'm fat.

[SOBBING]

And that's why we didn't
come to New York, Ma.

We're separated, and we wanted
to spare you our problems.

[BLOWS]

Michael's back isn't really bad.

That's all a lie.

Oh, well, that's nice.

He's just here while you're
here to keep up appearances.

Tsk. [SIGHS]

What happened, Gloria?

[SOBS] Oh, he got all
wrapped up in his career.

We got out here and he made

all these new friends at the university,

and he just seemed to
forget that I even existed.

He was busy going to all of these meetings,

and dinners, and parties...

and I was just lying around the
apartment like a dead tuna.

Well, did he ever ask you to go with him?

Oh, sure.

But that hurt even worse.

He'd introduce me and then he'd just
disappear for the rest of the night.

He was the life of the party,

he was charming with all of the girls

and he joked with all of the guys.

But I wouldn't see him again
till he came up to me and said,

"Well, Gloria, I guess
it's time to go home."

I can't believe it.

One night he forgot and
went home without me.

I can't believe it.

All I do is eat.

The other night, I ate an
entire Sara Lee cheesecake...

frozen.

Tsk. I just can't believe it.

Well, it's true. Look at me.

[SOBBING] I'm fat.

Ma, what are you looking for?

Oh, I want to blow my nose.

Oh, I got another box
of Kleenex under there.

Oh, no. This is good enough for me.

[BLOWS]

[SIGHS]

[BLOWS]

[SIGHS]

Gloria.

Oh.

Are you sure this is all...

big enough to break up over?

Ma...

[SIGHS]

I've been seeing another man.

What?

[WHISPERING] Another man.

Ma.

Ma! Ma!

Are you all right?

- Yeah. - Stay with me, Ma.

Oh, Ma. Oh, Ma.

His name, his name, Ma, is Bud Krieger,

and he's a very nice person.

And he doesn't think I'm fat.

I'm sure you'll like him very much, Ma.

Ma!

Ma.

Ma, please stay with me.

Don't give in.

A little water.

Oh! Ah.

Ah! Oh.

Oh, Ma.

Don't you understand, Ma?

Oh, Ma. See, I was lonely.

And one night at a faculty
party, Bud Krieger--

No, Ma. Stay with me, please.

- Are you all right?
- Yeah, I'm here. Oh. Yes.

He came over, he could see
I was standing alone,

and he talked to me.

Ma, since we've been out here,

he's the first person to
really seem interested in me.

As a matter of fact, Ma,

I think he's in love with me.

- Ahh. - Ma.

Please, Ma. Maybe not.

Maybe not. Maybe I just
sort of imagined it.

Oh, oh.

What are you doing?

Where are you going? Be careful, Ma.

- What are you looking for? - Aspirin.

Here. Right here. Here's the aspirin.

Oh, what's the matter, Ma?
You got a headache?

No. But I will

when I tell your father.

Oh, Ma, stay up. Stay with
me, Ma, please, please.

Sit down. Oh.

Ma, please, don't faint.

Ma... do you have to tell Daddy?

Oh, sure.

Who else am I gonna tell?

- ARCHIE: Hey, Edith, what are you doing?
- Oh!

Yeah.

ARCHIE: What's happening?

Oh, nothing, Archie.

ARCHIE: You wanna do your nothing
in bed, will ya? I can't sleep.

[FLUSH]

I'll be right there.

Oh, Ma--Ma, are you all right?

Yeah. Are you all right?

Oh, Gloria.

You better get some sleep.

Oh, no, I'm up, Ma, I'll just...

put on a fresh face.

It's Christmas morning,

the kids'll be up soon.

Merry Christmas.

[BOTH SOBBING]

[SOBBING] Merry Christmas.

[BOTH CONTINUE SOBBING]

[CRIES] I'm fat.

Edith...

you're supposed to leave
that in the bathroom.

I was just using it for Kleenex.

Well, now I gotta get up.

Why? It's only : .

Oh, yeah?

Well, it's : , according to my bladder,

which was born in New York.

But you can't go in there now.

Gloria is putting on her face.

Ah, God.

But she won't be long.

She's got such a little face.

Yeah, yeah.

Uh, you know...

I think it ain't gonna be a
bad Christmas after all,

huh, you know, with everybody here.

It's nice.

I mean, even the Meathead--

don't tell him I ever said this--

he ain't a bad son-in-law.

You know, we could have
done a helluva lot worse.

After all, he's healthy,

he gave us a little grandson,

he's working,

and he ain't Jewish and he's white.

[SOBS]

What are you bawlin' for?

I got something to tell you.

Well, go ahead.

Oh, it's awful.

Oh, well, if it's awful,
keep it to yourself.

Geez, awful, that's your department.

Archie...

Mike and Gloria...

are separated.

What are you talking about?

They're here, ain't they?

They're gettin' a divorce.

A what?

[MOUTHING WORD]

Oh, you don't mean a D-I-V-O-R-S, do ya?

Oh, no.

Oh, what?

D-I-V-O-R-C-E.

Do you want an aspirin?

No. I want to k*ll your son-in-law!

- Oh, no, no. - Oh, yes, yes.

- Get away! - No!

Get away from me. He ain't in there.

Where the hell is he?

He's in there. No, please.

[INDISTINCT ARGUING]

Oh, no! I'm gonna get in there!

All right, Meathead, get up
and get out of that bed!

Stand up so I can knock you
down again like you deserve!

You ain't gonna cheat on my little girl!

Hey, wait a second, Archie!
I wasn't cheating on her!

Don't gimme none of that crap.

MIKE: I wasn't cheating on her!

What are you talking about?!

Dad! Sh! You're gonna wake up the kids! Sh!

Wake them up and bring 'em in here

and let 'em see me k*ll a guy!

Arch, you're gonna give
yourself a heart att*ck!

If I want a heart att*ck,
I'll give it to myself!

It's Christmas, ain't it?

Come on, Meathead!

Stop hiding behind my daughter there!

Daddy, you're making a big mistake.

Oh, no. You're the one
that made the mistake

when you married that
guy in the first place.

And I warned you, I said,
"Don't come out to California!

"There's something about
the weather out here

that goes into a guy's pants."

You want to know what really happened?

I'll tell you what really happened!

I can't tell you what really happened.

Aw, geez!

Well, I'll tell you what really happened.

No, I got a better idea!

Let's all open our presents!

Ever since we moved out here,

I have been nothing but a housekeeper,

a babysitter and a cook.

What the hell is wrong with that?

You were doing your duty by him.

I can't help it if my job requires

that I spend a lot of
nights away from home.

Whoa ho ho!

What is "whoa ho ho" supposed to mean?

"Whoa ho ho" speaks for itself.

Since when is it a crime for
a man to stay away at night

to better himself and his family?

The only man that stays away at night
to better himself and his family

is a pimp or a mugger or Dracula.

Let's all have French toast for breakfast.

I don't know what you've
been doing at night,

but you certainly have been ignoring me!

Well, you wanted to stay home alone!

That's not true and you know it!

I just didn't want to be with your friends,

because they made me feel inadequate.

I thought you were getting
along with my friends.

I thought you had a lot
in common with them.

Oh, sure. They thought I was dopey,

and I thought they were... dopey.

The only friend I had was Joey.

I think you're leaving out
one other little friend.

[GRUMBLING] Shh!

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I think I heard something
here that--that--that

that I didn't like.

What was it you just said?

I said she's leaving out
one other little friend.

And then you said what?

I said, "Shh."

That's what I didn't
like-- that "shh" there.

Little friend who?

Who?!

Bud Krieger.

Bud Krieger?

Yes.

[MOCKING ARCHIE] Bud Krieger.

Bud?

Bud Krieger?

Bud Krieger.

Well, I certainly hope that Bud Krieger

is one of your girlfriends.

But I don't think she is.

Is he?

Bud Krieger is a man.

I know.

He's a man!

Shh. Archie, your blood pressure.

Let it burst all over the walls

and the ceiling and the floor here!

What was you doing with Bud Krieger?

We just had a couple of dates.

A couple of dates? You're a married woman!

Well, so what? He's a married man!

Ohh, my God!

Oh, Ma!

Please... [MOANING]

He and his wife have been
separated for over a year.

Aw, g--

Well, I knew she was gonna come to this

nine years ago when the first Cosmopolitan

came into the house.

Daddy, there is nothing wrong

with a man and a woman seeing each other.

Seeing each other?!

I think that depends, little girl,

on what they're doin'
with what they're seein'.

What are you getting at?

I think the question is,

what was you and Bud Krieger...

gettin' at?

I don't think I'm gonna
answer that question.

And why not?

Because it's none of your business.

Oh, well, then I got my answer.

How could you do

a thing like this to your family

and him.

Gloria is right.

This is between him and her,

and nobody else.

Gloria's right?

And she busted one of the Commandments.

I forget whether it was
number three or four.

We don't know that.

We certainly know it's one of the top ten.

Well, Meathead,

I never thought I'd be saying this to you,

but you're too good for her!

Archie!

[CRIES]

No matter what she done,

it's none of your business!

What are you talking about?

It's the world's business.

No, it ain't the world's business, neither.

Well, it's certainly God's business.

Then you let God tend to it.

All I want to know is

if Mike and Gloria still love each other.

Don't be ridiculous.

People can't do things
like this to each other

and still love each other!

Yes, they can, Arch.

They can?

Sure.

I love Gloria.

I love him.

Then all you gotta do is figure out

if you love each other enough

to save your marriage.

Do you, Mike?

[STAMMERING] I-I don't
know how I feel now, Ma.

Gloria?

I'm not gonna answer
that in front of Daddy.

Well, that's enough for now.

[MOCKING EDITH] That's enough for now.

So that's all there is to that, huh?

Everything is hotsy-totsy, huh?

He loves her, she loves him,

you love them,

and everybody goes on,

happy ever after.

And nobody suffers for this!

That's a good idea!

Now we're all gonna start Christmas.

We're gonna open all our presents.

Mike, you come with me and help me

wake up Stephie and Joey.

- MIKE: Okay, Ma. - EDITH: Stephie!

Joey!

[SIGHS]

Well, maybe your mother's right.

Maybe it ain't really...

none of my business.

I love you, Daddy.

I love you, too, little girl.

[SOBBING]

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

- Are you gonna help me? - Yeah.

Stephanie, this is for you.
You can open that.

Joey, why don't you open that one up?

EDITH: Thataboy!

- What's that? - Oh!

Hello, look at that.

Thank you, Aunt Edith!

Joey, get on it now.

- Joey, come here. - Thank you, Aunt Edith!

Come on-- Oh, you're welcome.

Come on now.

- Try it out, Joe. - Come on.

Let's see it. Let's see you ride it.

- Come on. - Here he goes!

Oh, boy! Look at him go!

Merry Christmas, Joey!

Look at him go! Whoa!

Look what he got from Santa.

What did you get, Stephie?

Oh, she's beautiful.

- Archie, that's for you. - Oh, not for me.

Gloria, this is for you.

Thank you. Gee, I wonder what it could be.

Oh, Michael, yours is the little
one with the big red bow.

Oh, Michael got a red one, too.

- [GASPS] - What? What?

Oh, Daddy, it's just so lovely.

Look, Ma, what Michael gave me.

Oh, Mike, that's beautiful.

Yes, it is. And what a surprise.

Thank you, Michael.

Oh, and thank you.

It's what I always wanted--

an electric razor.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas.

Oh, Archie,

that's the nicest Christmas present

I could ever have.

Oh, well, I'm glad of that, Edith,

because I left yours in New York.

Oh, that's all right. That's all right.

No, don't hit me.

[♪♪♪]

All in the Family was
played to a studio audience

for live responses.